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Be careful, I'm in a really, really bad place tonight. It might be a very good idea not to read this.

I’m trying to write a story, but I’m so ANGRY! I was visiting some relatives, and I heard somebody talking about “those Transgender freaks, and how anyone who would let their child think he is transgender should have their ass kicked.”

My own family.

I just want to jump off of a skyscraper, or maybe a bridge. I’m so tired of being like this. I hate having to hide who I am. I wanted to walk up to that person, tell them about me, then kick their ass right out the door so I could get started on really doing some serious damage. I am going to lose it soon, I know this. I’m going to take someone I have loved since I was a child and pound their face into a pulp. I’M GOING TO TELL THEM ALL TO GET AWAY FROM ME, AND NEVER BOTHER ME AGAIN. I’m going to spend the whole night crying my eyes out, and give real, serious consideration to doing something stupid.

I just can’t do this anymore. I’m a freak, and I hate it so much. It’s not fair, I didn’t do anything wrong! Why do I have to be like this? Why can’t I just get it over with? Apparently it won’t bother anyone. I’ll just be that weird one, you know the pervert?
Good thing they kept the kids far away. Who knows what would happen with one of those Homosexuals?

I am so far down, I don’t think I can even see where up is.

Wren

Comments

Don't worry, I won't!

Hey, if anything happens to me, you're all toast, and I'd never do that to ya.

I'm just sad and angry, and I can't tell anyone. One order of Drama, on rye!

It'll get better. It always does. Besides, with congesative heart failure, diabetes, kidney disease, arthritis and who knows what next, I don't think I'm going to see many more birthdays anyway, and really, there's no rush. Heaven can wait, right?

Oh yeah, I gotta go to heaven. If this much fat goes to hell, you're all in trouble!

Wren

I was trying to type up some

I was trying to type up some encouraging words but I'm not much of a writer. So ill say I feel for you I have been there, when it weighs so heavy on you it hurts to move. I can say I for one would miss you and your talent. If you can't be around these people any more family or not so be it they lose. Calm down drink some tea and go on being the beautiful caring person you are.


I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

I'd love to be able to say I don't know how you feel...

Andrea Lena's picture

...but... a couple of years ago I was typing something on the PC in our spare bedroom/office. My wife was watching TV and a commercial for some entertainment reality show came on with a young man dressed in women's clothing was singing. She called out 'What do they call men that dress in women's clothing on stage?" I was about to say, 'female impersonator' when my son interrupted his Anatomy homework long enough to say, 'FREAK!' It broke my heart, and is the major reason why I haven't come out further to my wife and not at all to my son.

It would be very easy and patently ridiculous for me to say that at least you have a family here, but nothing can take the place of the love and the acceptance of those we hold dear, and nothing is more painful than their rejection. What some face is hatred...out and out rejection by complete separation. What most of us get is what my son exemplified; transphobia. A fear of people like us that's borne mostly out of ignorance. It's no excuse, since ignorance is preventable.

I cannot remove any of the pain you feel, but I know from the pain and dread in my own heart what it feels like. I am so sorry that you had to hear such horrible words from someone of whom you expected more. My prayers to you, dear heart.

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Couldn't have said it better...

Or as eloquently.

There are those in my family who have rejected me this profoundly as well... All I can say really, is try not to let them get to you. They aren't worth it, doesn't matter if they're family or not, no one should ever have the power over you to make you do anything you'll regret.

In all honesty, you ought to look at it this way: feel sorry for THEM, for their inability to learn and accept things they don't understand.

Abigail Drew.

There are a number of reasons...

...I avoid spending any more time than absolutely necessary with most of my family... >.> This is definitely one of them.

*hugs!* Wren! >.< I wish I could say that I didn't understand what you are talking about, but I've been there far too often, and over the rail staring down at the pavement. ._. So, there's not a lot I can say or do other than to offer *hugs!* and someone to whom you can rant.

If you can tolerate hip-hop (I realize not everyone can), you might check out a song by Lupe Fiasco titled Beautiful Lasers (2 ways). In the song he talks about a period in which he was having his own terminative thoughts. One passage in the second verse stands out:

Door, keep telling me to fight
Gun on my table telling me to come on
Telling me to to put him inside my hand
Then put it up right next to my dome

Door keep telling me to find a reason
Anything to keep me from squeezing
Simplest things, yea you really like summer
You really like music, you really like reading

It would be trite, and more than a bit untrue to say that that sort of thing -- thinking of positives, things you like to do, or people whose company you enjoy or whatever -- will always work, or is absolutely right, but it does help. It is, if you'll pardon me saying so, damn fucking hard to do sometimes when you're right there, right in that moment, trying to decide to keep going or to just finally stop. >.< I also can't say that I've no regrets from choosing the former. I can't tell you that "you can't do that!" or "you mustn't do that!" However much I understand that feeling, I'm not you and can't make that decision for you. Nor will I try to guilt you out of it.

I will say that if you ever do make that choice, and as well when you do, one way or the other, pass on, I will miss you. Whether or not anyone else does, I will.

So, again, *hugs!* and I'm around if you need.

-Liz

Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"

Thanks everybody!

Ya made me feel better (well that and my new kitten, Shadow, which makes cat #8...). I like what Abby said, so I guess I'll just feel bad for them, and pray that someday their brains start. I'm sure mit will happen, someday. Holiday plans just changed, though.

Wren

I'm with ya on this!

I've been facing copious amounts of BS this week also and have discovered that my tolerance for crap is way down. I understand this OH so well ! It's strange because I have enjoyed about a year and a half of absolute heaven, and then THIS !

It seems that when we finally get comfortable, our guard drops and then we get it in the face!

I think I have had it the easiest of any T woman I know of but it still kills me, makes me want to die. Yeah, I do so get it.

Chin up. This too shall pass they say.

Hyeah!

K

Down

Wren, please remember that you have FAMILY here.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Got the T-shirt

There is nothing that can be done. It is like arguing religion: everyone has their own view, and it will fester within most of them till death. It's like race. Many, many people are more than happy to share their opinions about 'them xxxx' over there, who aren't like us normal folk.

They are including you in their in-group, and if they didn't they would probably be more circumspect. All you can do is remember that they are not aiming at you, it's just friendly fire. It wounds, but without intent. Open their eyes with slow and polite explanation. I found, years ago, that of all things a comment about suicide rates tends to stop the flow.

"Lookit that freak! What does he think he's doing?"
"Better than stepping in front of a train, I suppose..."

Polite hints. Shaming gently. Take comfort in the simple fact that you know who you are.

As hard as it is...

As hard as it is to hear, there IS something to Cyclist's "slow" comment. I know giving my parents a few YEARS to get used to the idea (before they SAW the results) seems to have mellowed their point of view.

Education CAN help (with those who are willing to be educated)...

Best wishes/luck to you Wren.
Annette

6 months in

Teek's picture

Six months ago I revealed my past from my perspective to immediate family (Mother, Father, Brother). It took a few months for extended family to get the highlights, but so far it is doing a pretty good job of causing a rift in the family. My cousins have all been instructed to have NO contact with me. One of them has come to my defense, causing her conflict with her mother and other members of the family. The funny thing is, no one is talking to me (except for that one cousin), so they are all getting a warped perspective on things. I am at the center of the turmoil, but I don't see it because I am not there to see it. Actually kind of fun to know you are being shunned and a major topic of discussion in the family, when for years I was a nobody who barely even got a mention in a Christmas letter. I separated myself from my family years ago with very minimum contact.

It still hurts a little to know that they have now separated themselves from me with NO contact. I am trying to maintain a simple attitude. "It is their loss." They have chosen not to know me. They have chosen to make judgement without talking with me. I am who I am and that has not changed throughout my life. I am here when and if they ever want to talk or see me again, but I am done playing their games. My life is too valuable to be brought down by other people's negativity. I can not change them if they will not have a civil conversation with me. The one thing that hurts me the most however, is what it is doing to my cousin and her relationships with the family.

Love - - our society makes us believe parents have to have unconditional love for their children. It leads us to believe family is more important than anything else and you must always be their for family. Love them or Hate them, you must be their for family. Reality is something else. I have chosen to place myself in a place where I am happy. For years now, that has not included family. Many tell me that is sad. Maybe it is, but I generally lead a happy life. I am not sure I could say that if I was still attached to my family. I walked away years ago and almost no-one noticed or cared that they never saw me. I tried to stay in contact, but it was a one way street. Find LOVE where you can. Live a happy and fulfilling life. Find a place in the world where you can be happy. If people around you are bringing you down, should you be around those people? Society has brainwashed us to believing we need to be around family and we need to have close ties to family. For forty years of my life desperately I tried to be the person my family wanted me to be so I could be close to them / loved by them. I failed. Not for lack of effort, but because a relationship requires both people trying to make it work. In my life only one side was trying and this was before all my views came out.

We get mad at people who make bias comments about LGBT issues/people. Yet, we struggle to stand up and state our own views on the issue to the ones we love. Some can be educated and view things differently - - - others can't. I was a wimp, I only revealed my views when I realized I had nothing to loose. I had no relationship and if I was disowned, things would be no different than before. I finally realized nothing would change if I was disowned, and there was a chance things might get better (they didn't). I have a life to live. I deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life. So do you Wren Erendae Phoenix. Be happy. Find a way to be happy in life. The world has a lot to offer. Go find a place where you can be loved in it.

Sympathetically Yours,

Teekabell

Keep Smiling, Keep Writing
Teek

I can't imagine...

Patricia Marie Allen's picture

Wren,

It's a terrible thing when you discover the bigotry in your family includes your demographic. I can't begin to imagine your hurt. It's bad enough when people you have to associate with (like at work or some other unavoidable connection)espouse ignorant, bigoted ideas, but your own family? I shudder to think where that would go in my brain.

You ARE not a freak!!! You are simply a member of a small minority. Worldwide, there about 10% of the people who are left handed, about the same number as those who have gender issues. An even smaller number of people are ambidextrous. About the same ratio as there are true transsexuals. So being transsexual is no more freaky than being ambidextrous.

The smaller the minority the less understanding there is. I think that's why those of us who deal with gender issues tend to be loners. Even when involved with large groups we tend to hold ourselves back. It goes with the territory. I have a good relationship with my family, but I can't say I'm close with any of them, except my daughters who grew up knowing Dad wore women's clothes. It took until the oldest was nearly 40 to be OK with it. The youngest has been OK from the get go. She is concerned that her husband might not take it well, so I kind of keep it under wraps around him.

You might want to read my story, "Silence is Golden." It's the story of my struggle to accept myself.

Hugs
Patricia

Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt

Many of us get more from friends

Angharad's picture

than we do from family. I have a brother and a son with whom I have very little if any contact. That is their choice, I haven't done anything to them, but that seems irrelevant. Sadly, it also means I have a grandson I've not seen who is two and a half years old.

I suppose people have a right to reject us, we are usually so stuffed full of guilt we rarely reject them and frequently accept their apparent right to abuse us.

While it would be nice to have a loving and accepting family, that doesn't happen for many of us. I'm grateful that my daughter accepts and loves me as I do her. I still love my son but since his marriage, his wife runs his life and tells him what to think - much of it negative and not the way he was raised. Worse, he has very little contact with his mother or sister, so it's not just me.

I find it intellectually baffling why everyone can't be pleasant to everyone else, it would make life easier for us all. Instead we play games with each other and seemingly enjoy screwing up other people's lives often apparently, just because we can.

In some mythologies, humans are seen as a stage between the animal kingdom and the angels. Most of the time, I would suggest we're closer to the former being nasty, selfish and spiteful - worse than a rattlesnake with PMT. One day we might transcend our baseness or eliminate our species - either way, I suspect the rest of the planet will celebrate hugely.

Angharad

That does a disservice...

...to the animals. >.>

Remember that angels were the ones that, by the stories, fell...

-Liz

Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"

Up

I was on the phone to a girlfriend earlier, second time today. We talked about all sorts of things, a wide-ranging discussion of the sort where we had to put the phone down twice whilst we...answered necessary functions. I then had a glass of wine, and listened to one of the bands (on disc) that my character Annie is so fond of.

All of the time I sat in my nighty, because I was having a shitty I-hate-my-body day. It was a long time before I could force myself out of my seat, put on the necessary clothes and ride to the local Waitrose for what I needed for tea. Wigs make me sweat. Bra pinched. Cycling makes me sweat. I felt like a piece of...

So I got back, had my evening meal, and spoke to my friend again, as I describe above. Music, laughter...there is a point to this ramble and that is that I really, truly felt like shit today, I really felt like a fraud. Then I spoke to someone who...well, 'support' is the word. That is the point. There are people here who have corresponded with you, people who think they might know a little of the real you. Step outside the hateful remarks, and take hold of the support you have here.

Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

That's the right attitude!

Live for yourself, not others. Live life to enjoy it for yourself. Do what you can with the time you have. And make the most out of life.
Do not worry about what others think. Worry about you and what you want to do.

Grab life by the balls, what you do with it is up to you.

Sephrena