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I haven't posted a blog in awhile, or at least I haven't posted a serious blog in awhile :-) Like the title? It sort of came to me after talking with Ashleigh about something that's been on my mind the last couple of days: the "H" word.
So basically, I'm thinking about getting myself into a better place physically. Some of you know, I live in the middle of nowhere, and I can't drive. I have to emphasize the second point. I'm legally blind. That complicates things by a factor of ten, if not more.
But things are slowly moving forward again, and I find myself fighting not to try and jump ahead, push things too hard, too fast. The fact things are moving forward again brings up a lot of emotional realizations for me, chief among them that I literally, physically ache to live as a woman. I want to start hormones as soon as I can, to do what little I can to make my body match my mind more closely.
The frightening part is, I realize now where the temptation some transwomen go through, to buy hormones illegally comes from.
I want to state upfront that I am NOT considering that. It's not even an option, but the fact it crossed my mind bothered me enough that I wanted to post a blog about it.
Kind of silly, posting about that one little thing, but it extends outward from that, really. In a way it represents a fundamental shift in my thinking from "I could never transition" to "Could I pull it off?" to "Okay, this needs to !#@% happen."
It's a non-choice for me. I can pretend to be happy. I can ignore it and hope it goes away, but I'll never feel like a functioning member of society.
I'm actually in a good place right now though, despite all this. Like I said, things are moving forward. Right now, I just have to wait and see what's going to happen next before I can say with any certainty what's going to happen, but it's more hope than I've had in awhile. :-)
If and when this did theoretically happen though, I'd have access to therapy, support groups, and most importantly, good friends to help me through. That's what makes this so tempting. It's the three things I don't have right now, at least in my "offline" life. :-)
~Zoe
Comments
it sounds like a good step hon
We'll be cheering you on.
Be True to Ones Self
I wish you luck in your journey, where ever it may lead. We are here to support you as you travel down this path.
Keep Smiling, Keep Writing
Teek
Good luck, Zoe
I wish you luck.
Hugs
Nick
the temptation of illegal hormones...
Boy do I ever know what that's like!
The only thing helping me resist that is that I truly can not afford them. I likewise can't afford medical supervision either, so I'm doing what I can afford - herbal manipulation. Which I got started doing and just can not allow myself to go off of... So yeah, I definitely know what that's like.
I didn't really go through quite the same shifts... I went from thinking I was just a non-gender, to thinking I was an effeminate male, to thinking I merely WANTED to be female, but could resist it, to gosh dangit, there's no freaking way I can function in society as a man, so why the heck do I insist on trying? I never really thought too much on the logistics of it, my concern shifted basically from destroying myself for the benefit of my family to dangit, if they can't take who I really am, I'll just have to try to make it without them. I still care deeply about my family, and it hurts me when they refuse to accept me for who I really am, but I can no longer continue to put their "peace" ahead of my happiness.
Anyways, good luck on getting to where you need to be... It's a hard road for each of us. I hope you can continue resisting the urge to go the illegal route...
Abigail Drew.
I take it...
...legally blind means registered as visually impaired not unable to see lawyers or their nefarious activities?
Unfortunately, one has to jump through the hoops or the professionals take their ball away. It would seem that no other profession has control and power issues like psychiatry - says a lot if you think about it.
As for your situation, I believe there is an old saying to 'make haste slowly'. It's always possible to move forwards, even if it's only preparing yourself for how you'll cope with change or how you'll help others to cope with your change. Or even being absolutely sure it's what you want to do. Do the gains at least equal the losses?
If it's really what you want to do, then I wish you well - it isn't an easy road, but you won't be alone if you come here.
Hugs,
Angharad.
Angharad
Legally blind
I've always wondered why they call it that. I guess it's because it's the point at which visual acuity is so bad that one isn't allowed to do certain activities that could prove hazardous to others' well-being, like driving or owning a handgun, operating heavy machinery, etc. :-D
Basically my eyesight is somewhere in the 20/200 range - it's kind of a weird situation because of my medical history, but that's the short version of it, anyway. :-)
Since I currently live six miles outside a small country town and can't drive, I've dug myself a rather deep rut, but I'm finally ready to get out of it. :-) Sometimes it feels like I can't do anything, which is really why I started writing in the beginning. Robin was born out of wishes and desires that I felt I'd never see. She was my way of keeping myself from doing something stupid, or going insane. I just didn't want to face that until recently (Well, recently being within the last year and a half).
But yeah, things are slowly changing. My biggest hurdle is, ironically, myself and finding the courage to say goodbye to my family for awhile. As much as I hate their attitudes sometimes, I still love them, and I've been afraid to let go of them if they can't accept this. It's something I'm growing more and more ready to accept and face though. It's getting to a point where I feel like I can't even pretend to be male anymore. I hate going out, and go out of my way to dress androgynous when I do. It's something I can't avoid anymore, and I need to start thinking about and planning how to make it happen. :-)
*hugs* Thanks for the support :-D
~Zoe
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