Laika Goes To Hell Part 1

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DOGGIE’S INFERNO
a bit of doggeral by LAIKA PUPKINO
.

Canto One: LOST IN THE WOODS
.

My name is Laika and this is my canto
And you might think it’s some strange mad-dog rant though
If you’ll spare some indulgence and hear this tale out
You’ll see just as plain as the nose on your snout
That every last word of my grim account’s true,
And be glad this all happened to me and not you…

Now I’m not a puppy what’s prone to go roamin’
But somehow I found myself far from my home and
In some big weird forest ugly-smelling and dark;
Not a soul within earshot to answer my bark.
I was real scared I’ll tell you, and plenty confused,
And not one teensy weence little wee bit amused!

‘Til I came to a clearing and beheld a sight
That made this old pup’s heart well right up with delight.
I was dumbstruck with wonder, agog with sheer awe
At that glorious vision of caninehood I saw.
From his proud noble carriage I just knowed it was him-
Yep, every dog’s hero- the great Rin Tin Tin Tin.

Well there was only one thing I could think of to do
In devout genuflection to this prince of virtue,
Which he bore with good nature as I savored his musk,
‘Til he at last cleared his throat and bespoke to me thus:
Your obeisance is noted. You honor me, Mutt.
Now kindly dislodge your cold nose from my butt!
”

So I withdrew my sniffer from that good shepherd’s wazoo
And said, “Tell me oh Hero,” (‘cause I was hoping he knew…)
“How I’ve come to be here in this weird hinky space,
When last thing I knew I was home at my place?
Doin’ somethin’ or other, my recall's a bit hazy.
I was chewing on something, and by gosh it was tasty!”

Said he: “It’s no surprise that your memory’s blocked;
This quite often happens when a critter gets shocked.
You had chew toys aplenty that your owner had bought you,
But there was one thing he told you that you never had ought chew;
Yet his pleas and entreaties you steadfastly ignored,
And kept on going back to that electrical cord…

“Your Master had warned you time and time again,
And for us dogs disobeying our Human’s a sin.
So now you are here in this place that’s positioned
‘Tween the green fields of Heaven and the pits of Perdition.
You’re not quite yet dead dawg, but you’ve been knocked right out cold,
So you yet have a chance for to reclaim your soul…

There are things I will show you, a sort of a tour,
Of what awaits bad dogs beyond Death’s great black door.
You’ll view torments eternal which merely to see,
Could cause you to piss yourself involuntar’ly.
Youl’ll hear wails of such anguish, of such despair and fear,
That they shall haunt your dreams for the rest of your years!
”

“But all dogs go to Heaven, least that’s what I’ve heard…”
He shook his great head. Said, “Dawg don’t be absurd!
There’s no up without down, no black without white,
No laid back n’ mellow without stressed and uptight,
It’s all Yin and Yang, friend. So know this as well:
There’s no Pet Paradise without Animal Hell.

“What you have here’s a chance that but few beasts are offered,
A lesson, I warn you, that had best not be squandered…
”
If I’d thought I could do so I would have run and hid.
Instead I joked weakly, “Let’s not and say we did.”
He said, “You’ve no choice now, the one way out's through it.”
“Then to quote Cole Porter,” I grimaced, “Let’s do it!”

So we set off down the old forest trail a few clicks,
Until we came to a river, a river of sticks.
It’s a visual pun,” sighed my guide, “And quite hoaky.”
I said, “There’s no way to cross that. Those sticks look real pokey!”
And yet soon enough across them we’ll be faring,
We need but await here for the great barque of Charon.
”

The sticks undulating as they passed was hypnotic,
And watching them found me soon growing quite seasick;
When trotting up the bank came a dainty Chihuahua
No greater in size than some Bull Mastiff’s right forepaw.
She told us, “I’m Charon. Chew guys here for a ride?
You chur man? It’s all chitty on that other side!
”

Make it so,” spake Rin Tin Tin, so she let out a yip
Of such hurricane force that our feet lost their grip
On the bank’s barren soil and we flew up in an arc,
High over that river t’word a vast region real dark.
“What a bark!” I did marvel, “That Charon’s quite a lady.”
Yes she gets the job done,” grinned my Virgil, “Next stop …………….. Hades!”
.

.
AUTHOR’S NOTE:This poem came to me yesterday in one inspired (?) rush when I thought I was going to be working on my THE ABATTOIR prequel. The 5 or 6 cantos of the complete poem will be 99% non-t.g., so I was more comfortable posting it as a blog than as a story. If this sounds a bit like cowboy poetry, that’s intentional. I figured this would be the kind of verse a dog would write. Also it freed me from having to get really anal about rhyme and meter, rather than trying to match Signore Dante’s elegant precision (or so I recall, having read the Ciardi translation 10-15 years ago…). Parts 2 and 3 will depend on my coming up with appropriate punishments for the various canine sins. I have Circle One: Beggars, nippers, chewers. Circle Two: Poopers & piddlers, all-day barkers, leg humpers. Circle Three: Biters and Berzerkers. I’m not doing nine circles, Doggy Hell being a much smaller place than the one for humans. I don’t want most of these punishments to be too horrible (real animal abuse being about as funny as child abuse, which is to say not funny at all...), but more or less silly ones, like big robot fire hydrants with legs that chase the damned dogs around whizzing stinky perfume on them. I have most of these punishments figured out, but the one that has me stumped is the one for leg humpers. Are there any sick puppies out there who might have some suggestions?
~~~hugs n' belly rubs, Laika.

Comments

Interesting

I like your writing style as it is unique and pleasant to read. If you want to continue I would love to read the next portion.

I'm sure not everything here has to be TG related as that would make for bland reading.
(No offense meant to anyone)

Jayme Ann
The answers to all of life's questions can be found in the face of a true friend

The answers to all of life's questions can be found in the face of a true friend

Leg Humper Punishment

terrynaut's picture

Nice poem. I like silly. heh

As for leg humping dog punishments, I have an idea. I think the humping hounds should get a taste of their own medicine ... from cats. Yes, leg humping cats should pay back those naughty leg humping dogs. *giggle*

Carry on Laika, and good luck scratching and clawing your way out of poverty hell.

Hugs, not humps

- Terry

cats making dogs their bitches

laika's picture

Hi Hon.
It IS a good idea, fittingly ironic. But I've already got cats (sabertooth tigers) for hell's demons, and if I remember Dante's story the guards weren't often directly involved in the punishments, the punishments were more (magically) mechanical in nature, part of the set up of whatever sector the sinner was condemned to. I'll think of something. Dogs get stuck together, maybe they could get stuck to legs...

Basically it's a silly little project, not high priority, something I do when I'm on the bus and don't want to pull out my current story...
~~~hugs, LAIKA

DAMN!!! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PM, NOT A COMMENT!
Oh well...

Cats' Henchmen

terrynaut's picture

Don't forget the mice! The mice might be larger and just the right size to do the dog leg humping. Don't give up on the idea! *giggle*

Write on, you crazy emerald! :)

Hug

- Terry

Ah Laika

kristina l s's picture

It's nice to see more or your thoughtfully gentle maniacleness. I do hope all is wellish in your little corner of the pound.

Kristina

ps Sick puppy indeed, but maybe a really lovely juicy bone that begs to be chewed. They sniff it, they pick it up and carry it off and flop and get comfortable and on the first lick it turns into chilli powder. Serious pawing of snout ...where's that water bucket??!!! Hell fire, hah.

Paws For Reflection

joannebarbarella's picture

Bring out all the dogs of fiction as your journey proceeds and smell that poop, the older the better, nuzzle it and if it's really ripe, have a good roll in it and share the ripeness with the rest of us.
I love that image of cold noses and butts. Perhaps it leads my mind to dogs in tandem and buckets of cold water. Now that's really an image from Doggy Hell. Keep at it Lovely Laika,
Hugs,
Joanne

leg humper punishment...

Snarfles's picture

the leg humpers could have the irresistible urge to hump their own leg... impossible to accomplish naturally...or some of the humpers could become stationary legs at random intervals the interval determined by how egregious their sins

"Humpers"; Or, the leg belongs to ...

a Lady dog, far too tall for the humper to ever reach target, Or get any kind of satisfaction.

(Saw this happen. Suitor dog could only get his nose to where he wanted ... something else.)

(Rin TT will reveal the only way out of that punishment is to just ... Stop. Then the Dog Soul can Move On ...

Just like in our world, where the only way out of some "punishments", ex: excessive alcohol, smoking, serial Bad Relationships, is to just ... Stop.