A friend came out

A word from our sponsor:

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So an old school friend of mine went on Facebook today and announced that they have just just changed their name and they are now transitioning from male to female. Of course I am happy for her and wish her all the luck and happiness in the world but I'm not sure I can see them again. I am afraid of what it will mean for me. I have been so deeply in denial and shoving these feelings down for so long that I am afraid of what will happen if I meet them. As it is the post has shaken so many things loose that my emotions and feelings are all over the place. I'm afraid that it will unleash something that I will not be able to ever stop and that bad things will happen. What should I do?

Comments

I used to think that way too

And now, I have never been happier since I transitioned.
I realise your situation might be very different from mine. And I had easy and affordable access to a psychologist specialised in transgender patients. But then I live in the Netherlands, home of wooden shoes, toys, cheese and - if you ignore the waiting lists - actually amazingly accessible trans health care.

Anne Margarete

Please don't be...

Please don't be one of the "friends" who drop her after coming out, whatever the reason. She's going to need all the friends she can retain

Anne Margarete

Friendship

Xtrim's picture

Friendship is measured at your time of need not when it is convenient. What kind of friend are you? As difficult as it is for you this is when your friend can really use as much support as she/he can get. So be there for her/him.

Xtrim

A Friend I Knew Came Out

He, now She was the son of a friend who was a Mormon Bishop, and at first, I thought they would blame me for having something infectious, sort of. Her transition is unusual in that She says there will be no surgery or hormones, but will dress as a woman. Her parents are devastated.

Your friend will need all the friends she can get and if you wimp out, then you were no friend.

I came out in 2004 and lost all my friends, my church, and family. My youngest daughter has contacted me after 14 years, but the way she is, it's not worth it.

Lately, I've strongly wished I hadn't but just vanished.

Opinions

What you're getting here are OPINIONS -- other people's opinions. It's YOUR opinion that counts. What people here meant to say is . . . don't walk away from your friend. but. . ..

This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.

The Bard had it right.

You're closer to the situation. What does your friend really need? Your friend doesn't need you to throw yourself into a tailspin. Your friend needs your support. Ask how you can help. Don't jump in to save someone, if you can't swim. People drown that way. Toss your friend a life preserver.

Find a support system that doesn't require you to feel things you don't want to feel. You need to be rational for yourself AND your friend.

You sound like a nice person who is scared. That is understandable. Reach out for support. Your friend might need that same kind of support.

Jill

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

Reach out to her

Tell her that you know the sorts of mental anguish that she's going through. If she is a real friend she will understand and won't expose you to the world at large. There is a risk in doing this. Only you will know is she is that sort of friend. She may need someone like you at times like this.
Samantha

I understand

Patricia Marie Allen's picture

Denial is common among trans folk. That you have stuffed your feelings is not surprising. Being the way you are put you in a precarious position. My advise is to contact her via PM (Messenger on Facebook) and tell her that you understand. Ask her to keep confidential what you are about to say. Then be upfront with her about just why you can't see her in person. You can be sure that she understands where you're coming from. She's been there for years herself.

Then offer to maintain a virtual friendship. Listen to her woes, calibrate her triumphs; in short be her sounding board... a person she can let it all hang out for. Then of course direct her here, if she isn't already visiting us.

In the long run, it will be as good for you as it is for her. You've being dealing (even if was by denying it) with it for years yourself. Allowing yourself at least virtual contact will give you some much needed therapy.

When I first started trying to deal with my trans nature, there was no internet. It took a month of Saturdays to research it in the library. Most of what I found was case studies with only one book that dealt with it from a layman's point of view. That book mentioned a magazine called "Transvestia." A publication written by trans people for trans people. Enter a dark era where I began to haunt adult book stores looking for that magazine. I never found it in the book stores, but I did find an ad for Tri-Ess. I won't go into the pros and cons about Tri-Ess except to say that by joining that group, I was finally in touch with others like me.

I made use of their remailing service where in you could write members without revealing who you were or exactly where you lived. It was a complicated thing. You wrote what you wanted to say, put it in an envelope with postage and the member's membership number in pencil, then put that sealed envelope in another envelope and mailed it to Tri-Ess headquarters. They would then address it to that member and remail it.

I spent a small fortune in postage, but it was well worth it to be able to tell someone just what I was feeling and then have them respond in a caring, understanding way and express their feelings in the same way. Thousands of dollars worth of therapy I couldn't have gotten any other way.

She's your opportunity to do the same. She can be totally up front and honest with you without fear of rejection and you can do the same. At some point you may reach a point where you can see her face to face.

In the end, I believe you will come out in a better place for this interaction. Please consider it as much for you as for her. She needs you right now and even though it's scary for you, you need her as well.

Hugs
Patricia

Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt

Take some time

You say that your emotions are all over the place. That's not a good state to make any kind of decision. Give yourself several days to adjust to this news and find out what your real internal response is. It may not be consistent from one moment to the next but you should have a better idea how you feel overall. You can then decide how much interaction with this friend you can handle and how much you feel safe telling them. I hope all goes well for both of you.

Another perspektive?

Monique S's picture

Things never happen at random, believe me. This might just be a sign for you. There may be similarities that make the point in time right for her ... and possibly for you to finally face your fears and overcome them

It took me until I was more than thirty years old to come out and then still was in doubt for more years thereafter,

Now looking back on more than thirty years after that, I ask myself why I ever was afraid. I know quite a bit of others who think like me. But then, like Anne, I am in Europe. The social security here is so different to the states, it sometimes seems like a different world. Nevertheless even here you have to be courageous, but I found the courage becomes more with every step after the first. Good luck.

Monique S

And a Beautiful Lady you have become

BarbieLee's picture

Monique, thank you for the guidance and support you give to all those who are seeking support and answers. The most heartfelt gift one may ever receive is "you saved my life". Those who say it and those who we lose in the great shuffle as they have moved on, it's the same. Sometimes it is the physical reality as they didn't end their life. Sometimes it's the emotional as they find themselves.

We can't save them all and yes, we make mistakes but we are only human with all the faults and blemishes. Well, I am anyway. I pray the path we make through this world makes it easier for those who follow in our footsteps Love you hon, don't ever change.
always,
Barb
Life is a gift. Treasure it until it's time to return it.

Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl

Thank you everyone

GrandiaKnight's picture

Thanks for everyone's advice. Of course I will continue to support and help my friend but I think I also need to take a step back and consider some things. It may be time to finally find a professional to talk to. We shall see what happens

"The pen is mightier than the sword ... if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp"