I'm pretty depressed today and I think I know why.

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This is, I'm afraid, gonna be a long one, so if you don't wanna read it all the way through, it's okay with me. There's just some things that have been building up in me for a long time and I finally had to acknowlege them last night so I could maybe find a way to deal with them in a rational way. If you're not interested in my life or the state of what I laughingly refer to as a mind... read no farther.

The first is the story I'm TRYING to write. A sequel of sorts to the most emotional, most difficult thing I've ever written... Sara's Story. If you've read it you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't read it, and you think you might want to, let me warn you that it's a two boxes of tissue kind of story. I've been having LOADS of problems trying to write this sequel because it's been a few years since I wrote Sara's Story and also I've been in a writing slump for quite awhile. I've gotten some wonderful private messages from several people who are trying to help me get past my aversion to deadly violence in the sequel, pointing out that I don't actually have to write what happens to the "bad guys," but can just concentrate on the final results and that has helped me, but...

When I write, a story flows out of my mind and I just try to keep up with it. Idon''t plan or have an outline to work from, nor do I ever have an ending, a denoument in mind. I go whever the storyline in my mind takes me and hope that it all makes sense when I finish. That isn't happening with this sequel. The words are coming hard, so hard in fact, that to me it reads like someone else is writing them... and that has been playing with my confidence to write at all.

The second thing that's been burning in me is the fact that, last night I said goodbye to a relationship that really ended several years ago. It was a time in my life when, for the first time in my life, I felt loved and needed. Suffice it to just say that it didn't work out and the other person ended it as gently and compassionately as she could. I KNOW that the whole thing wouldn't have worked for either of us, but I fell SO hard that, while my rational mind said: "It's over. It didn't work. Move on. Forget about it and try to remain friends." On the other hand, my subconscious mind refused to cut the strings that held onto what was and kept me hoping, even though all hope was, logically, gone.

Well, last night, it all came to a head. I called her, hoping for a conversation like the ones we've had as friends. Instead it became an emotional climax in which I told her goodbye. I just couldn't deal with the reality that she had moved on and I hadn't. It wasn't healthy for my sanity to keep on hoping for a hopeless solution. I probably could have handled the whole conversataion better, but my emotions tied me in knots and,while she was telling me about all the wonderful, important things that are now happening in her life, all I could think of was what _I_ had lost. Yeah, selfish is my middle name. I cried...I didnt plead, but I got to the point where I couldn't bear hearing that voice I love any longer. I said her name, then I said, "I love you... goodbye," and hung up the phone.

After that, I sat by myself wondering: "What the hell did I just do? I caused negaative emotions in someone I still think the world of, and maybe made her feel guilty that she had caused me such pain." which I didn't mean to do, but my emotions ran away with me and I had to resolve and end what my heart still thought it wanted... and couldn't have. What I did and said was wrong, and I knew it the instant I said and did, but it was too late to inject any sanity Ihad left at that point. If she reads this blog I hope she'll read what follows.

I'm sorry, kiddo. I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed in your life. I'm sorry that I hung on so long to something that just didn't work. I'm sorry I tried so hard to convince you that I was right for you, even though I knew I really wasn't. I'm sorry if I hurt you by anything I said or did. I'm hurting right now, but it's not your fault, it's mine... all mine. Maybe, now that I have finally let go, i'll be able to get on with what is left of my life, knowing I at least was finally able to face reality instead of living in a hopeless dream of what could have been. I wish you nothing but the best of everything in life.

Now to the third thing that has been preying on my mnd. I'm getting old. Yeah, big surprise, right? I never, ever thought that I'd live this long. You're supposed to treat your body like a temple and I've treated mine like a third rate, third world whorehouse and yet, I'm still here. No question that I'm not as capable of things as I once was and that I am sick. My own damn, stupid fault. Oh, I'm not dying, although we all are, but I don't think I'm gonna shuffle off this mortal coil anytime soon, and I'm NOT thinking about hurrying the process along any faster than it's already going...with the exception of my own bad behavior and habits. It's just that I'm finding it SO damned hard to realize that I'm not a kid anymore. There's a disconnect somewhere in my brain that refuses to accept that I am just as subject to the frailties of ageing as anyone else is. I mean, I was gonna accomplish great things in my life, right? I was gonna set the world on fire with my brilliance and insight. In reality, I only baffled myself with my own bullshit.

Everything I ever attempted to accomplish, everything I ever had something good going, I ended shooting myself in the foot and ruining what I was trying to do. Why? Because I was fighting myself... or rather, Cathy was fighting "him." That guy I was supposed to be. The one to carry on the family name. The one who failed at everything... but I was really never "him." I never realized that simple fact until I got into therapy and finally acknowleged the fact that I was never really supposed to be a "him." Like a lot of you I was forced into a life role I never even began to fit into. Oh, I played the part for a lot of years, but I never was "him." Not inside. So I've done my best, more or less, to leave "him" in my dust and tried to make a success at being "her." A life role that I ws never trained in. Never knew what to do or how to do it... but a role I feel much more satisfied with... more comfortable in.. more relaxed in.

So, that is most of what has been preying on my brain and mind for too long. By now, if you've managed to follow this rambling collection of nonsense, my congratulations and thanks. If it hadn't been for all of you, the online community, I would have been dead and forgotten a looong time ago. Both literally and figuratively.

Thank you for reading. I expect laughter at my foolishness and flames at my stupidity. Go ahead. Maybe that would teach me a lesson I should have learned long ago.

Catherine Linda Michel

Comments

Where do I

Angharad's picture

click the kudos button? Life is what we make it, go and have some fun before it's too late.

Angharad

Such pain

I will need to process this, so am not ignoring you at all. The need to emote about life is something we all experience so you have my compassion. As to Sarah's Story, it may be a while before I read it since sad stories are very triggering, and giving love and compassion to others is easier than facing my own anger and desire for revenge. I'm no angel and fighting off my own feelings is a full time job.

Unrequited love is extremely painful but we all must face it and adjust if we are to survive.

Hugs

Gwen

Cathy

Biggest most gentle hugs my sister of the heart.
Grover

I guess...

I guess everything is ok with you - you feel and act like any female would under similiar circumstances.

Thanks all of you.

I know I screwed up last night and, trust me, I'm okay and I have control of myself back.

Catherine Linda Michel

As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script. Y_0.jpg

Grief

It's not my least intent to trivialize your feelings, but may I point out that it need not be "depression" to have very dark feelings as you grieve the end of a relationship. Such things are hard, more so the more you care. Sorry you are in dark times right now.