Fighting Depression again (or still?)

I don’t talk about myself much, guess I’m not very comfortable with it. I am willing to talk to anybody, be it a crowd or one on one, but writing about me feels weird. I post on my blog about twice / thrice a year, complete with pictures, if anyone is interested.

I’ve been unemployed almost 6 months, longer off and on again. Unemployment is long gone, and savings are draining steadily. I have my son (nephew actually, but the relationship is that of parent adult). If not for him I would be in real trouble.

Problem is I think I am sabotaging myself to a large degree. I can do better.

One of my sure signs for being depressed is not being able to read. When I came out to myself I stopped reading for almost a year, after reading 1-3 books / week. I’m still reading, but I cannot keep up here even though I want to.

I am a connoisseur of depression. The life threatening version I had almost 4 years ago that prompted my transition left me with a low water mark. I am not even close to that point. But a steady low state does wear one down.

I’ll keep on fighting it. I have a friend I am afraid is going to go down the path to oblivion, for the same reasons (more or less) that I was. I am not able to reach her anymore, though I will keep trying.

One of the ways I fight my personal battle is to be an activist. In Texas this means more than most places. I refer to myself as an activist pacifist. I will talk to anyone, even if they are hostile, but I will not push my views on anyone. I am most definitely not in the closet. For my next job I will be as much as I can be, it is hurting my chance of keeping a job. Life is not fair, I’m old enough to accept that.

It is not all bad. My family accepts me. Even the one who had cut me off is starting to talk to me again. I have an absolutely adorable grand baby, a little girl just over a year old, with the sweetest personality anyone can ask for. She and I are very close. So I have some good ammunition to fight this with.

Now if I could only find a job. Seems like a common mantra nowadays.

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