Well, the last couple of days have been filled with anxiety, and last night I finally put together why.

It goes back to an article on Facebook which was about child abuse, and the idea of making a Valentine's day card for your younger self.. I thought it was a really good idea, and was going to work on making one for the 7-9 year old me, but I didn't realize how much I was triggering myself until my anxiety was at Defcon 5 and you could almost hear the robot from "Lost in Space" going "Danger, Dorothy Colleen, Danger!"

I wanted to send a special thank you out to Naomi, Doc, Fiona, Talia, Star, and all the other crazies who have been so awesome to me on the BC chat site, especially the last while when I've been in blanket-fort mode as often as not.

They've cheered for me, they've been silly to make me giggle, and they've always been ready with huggles when I needed them, which has been pretty often.

Special thanks to Naomi for being willing to join Jaci in our little game of "who's girly", which never fails to bring a smile to my face.

Bless you all.

This month's TG Mixed Tape will not have a contribution from me, sadly.

I had every intention of contributing something. Really I did.

I wish I could blame it on the illness (bronchitis, to be exact) that refuses to go away, even after nearly two months.But I can't, since really, I feel pretty good now, and conceivably could have contributed something in the limited window left to me.

Since my fiction stories are in various stages of completion at the moment, I told Hutcho that I'd contribute an essay on growing up as a disabled transperson. It seemed like a good idea, since there's not much written about folks like me, and no documentary to my knowledge has ever tackled the subject. Easy, right?

I think I've figured out why I've been so fragile the last little while.. I think it was in part due to stress because of Sharon's health situation (which added to the pile of stress I've already been dealing with.) And in part because I've been triggered by the 50 shades of grey discussions.

You might say "Dorothy, the movie is about bondage, how does that trigger you?"

In my younger days I used to like playing on the cb radio in New York City. I had a little walkie talkie type unit that didn't get much range, but how much do you need in a condensed area.

At the end of the night I would always end with over and out and go on with life. I always wondered what was over and what was out. My guess is that my participation was over and my power was out.

I always thought that was a fun way to end things

over and out.

Well that's the foot fixed. I have a load of paperwork and planning applications and Landlord Licences to sort out so I'm taking the next six weeks off to sort it out. That's how long the surgery on my foot is going to take to heal. They've had to break the fifth RHS metatarsal and re-align it with a scarf joint and screws so my right foot doesn't resemble a hobbit's. Wont be able to walk without crutches for four weeks then it's 'heel-weight-bearing, for the next two weeks.

Recent events on Facebook have got me thinking, and I wanted to share some thoughts about the difference between my online self and my offline self.

I think the word you'd use to describe the online me is ... uninhibited. She (and forgive me for using third person here) giggles a lot, huggles just about anybody, acts silly to make her friends laugh, makes friends easily, has even flirted with people, and probably overshares her personal stuff.

I've had a belated realization regarding healing and now feel somewhat foolish for not realizing it before.

I have a very close friend who has gone on a self righteous rant about "50 Shades of Grey". I doubt that she has read the books or intends to see the movie. I have read the books and plan to see the movie but do not intend to tell her that.

Florida Lawmaker Says Using Restroom Is A Choice For Transgender People

http://www.buzzfeed.com/dominicholden/florida-lawmaker-says-...

this is his answer to Buzzfeed news these people are just morons , using a bathroom is not a choice it is a body function needed by most people

Our long suffering cat was euthanized at aprox 9:45am CST today, Saturday Feb 7th.

He and his late littermate Cally were two Wisconsin Humane Society kittens from the old location behind WTMJ tv and radio near Esterbrook Park in Milwaukee WI.

Best estimate were he was born Feb 08th 1995. But we will call him 20 years old.

He will be cremated and his ashes scatted over his sisters grave by a peony in our back yard.

Well, yesterday, I was able to get a counseling session at the Edmonton Pride center, and I found it very helpful. I talked with the counselor about my current stress, my past, my faith, and my transition. Best of all she seems really well versed in trauma and how it impacts a person. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to see her, but I'm going to do everything I can to get better.

Since I started publishing on Big Closet, I have managed to produce at least one piece every month with one exception.

However, that streak is in jeopardy now.

The piece I was working on based on a nightmare is too triggering for me right now, and the other story I had started, "Solomon's test" has its own problems. Mainly that I am afraid it might be too close to the current story "Shortcuts", insofar as both stories are about a bet between cosmic forces and a person getting super powers.

Every once in a while I have a random assortment of subjects to write about that aren't quite substantial enough to merit their own entry, so it felt best to include the lot of them under the above catch-all title so I can get them out of my system already.

Well, after I read the latest chapter of "Buffalo gal wont you come out tonight", I ended up struggling pretty hard with my PTSD. (Not blaming the author, the warnings were there, I read it anyway)

I cried for more than an hour on the phone with Jaci before I calmed down enough to sleep, and since I woke up I've been feeling super anxious and I am having a hard time keeping my heart rate down.

Ah, well. Just another day ...

Thursday, I rolled over in bed and on top of Felix's laptop. I then proceeded to move it further out of my way with my knee. Long story short, I cracked the screen. I felt bad. I felt horrible. And I should feel those things because, as everyone knows, I am a bad, horrible person.

I didn't know I cracked the screen until Felix came home and went to use his laptop. Only made matters worse. I guess I could have lied and said I had no clue, but I fessed up.

Recently at work there was perceived racial slur in a comment overheard by a third party and as a result we were all issued a copy of the company's unlawful harassment policy, which I quote below.

the time- where did it all go.

Today should be a happy day, but it's not. Not really. It is my birthday and I turned 4 - oh no today. So it is time to put away the pretty little dresses and the rumba pants, time to put the petticoats in storage, and time to say good bye to the party dresses, the footed pajamas, and the one piece swimsuits with the little tutus. I will have to say good bye to my old friends Barbie, Ken, and Skipper. The Barbie corvette is up on blocks and the pink power wheels jeep is being sold on craigslist.

But there are things to look forward to.

It is wonderful that this development is happening. There is statistical information that is new to me, so listen closely and enjoy.

Gwen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=baIDLK9G2fI

I have spent what seems like an inordinate time wondering why I am trans. Oh I know, there are several scientific reasons and more are still awaiting discovery, but I have suddenly found that it isn't really important WHY I am trans, but that I AM trans and, surprisingly, that seems right somehow.

I am a blessed (or lucky) person, and I know this. I've begun a transition, and still I have been able to have a job, I've still got my family, and none of the horrible things I feared have happened to me.

But despite my blessings, I wish I could have one more.

A person to share my life with.

Ah, well.

For those who've followed the twisting turning path that is my life, caring enough to drop a note, or lift up a prayer, thank you.
.
Fortunately, this isn't about drama. Not about rejection, divorce, hostility or any other negative emotion.Nor is it about weight loss or weight gain, physical problems, or the vagaries of my doctors. All of those are present, it's just they've taken a backseat to something I'd nearly forgotten exists.
.
Acceptance.
.

I started HRT today!!! :):):)

My sister took our sick and nearly 20 year old cat to the vet to see if the meds had helped any

Still not sure if he has cancer but he does have an inflamed bowel.

The bloody stools have stopped as best we can tell.

His red blood cell value was at 13 out of a healthy 30 right after Christmas. He was near critical at that time according to the vet.

After a prolonged period of severe depression I'm trying to get back to writing stories again. I began work on a new story a few weeks ago, and it's starting to look pretty good. Really struggling to stick with it. It's difficult to write in a vacuum and I've drifted so far from the few friends I ever had. I'm not even sure anyone would remember me or be glad to know I'm still around.