Breathing...Chapter 1
The bus ride from Moon Lake to Toronto was far too short and it was way too bittersweet for me. I’ve never felt this way before about friends in my entire life. I had friends home and i left them and home with like no problems but this.
Amy, Paige, Drew, Elly they made me bawl as we had to separate and head off to our different flights.
No One's really made me bawl before and Jess was in the same shape as me.
Then it got even worse for her as she had to go and take all of her make-up off and get changed and pack just so much of her away.
It was hard to watch too really.
It was like there was so much light just draining away out of her eyes and that was happening right in front of me.
Me I couldn’t really do the same as most of what I had was Robin’s stuff and Rob’s things were waiting in Halifax.
It was such a hard thing and she seemed so depressed after that.
I looked at her. “Let’s go look around we have some time before our flight, maybe do some shopping?”
Jess tried a brave smile. “Shopping here? You’re crazy with these prices.”
“C’mon it’s fun to just look.”
We stopped in at 7-11 and got smoothies and went and looked at stuff at Gucci and Bvlgari and choked at the prices as we kind of oooooh’d at the pretty things.
I’m getting things being pretty and while just..just so much another person’s life and reality I can get the allure.
Especially jewelry.
I mean having someone spending that kind of cash on you is commitment and as long as you remembered how hard they worked and likely scrimped and saved it’d feel pretty damned special to get something from someone like that.
I see things I want to do next summer.
I want to come back next summer.
There’s a lot of stuff here but we kill most of our time in MAC cosmetics and we both get a few things as we ask for some samples.
I kinda fibbed and not. “Uhm hi…? I really like the stuff that you have here it’s so nice. But...uhm I was wondering if we could get some spare samples? We live in Nova Scotia and we really never get close to seeing cool stuff like this home and it’s really not going to be like our folks will stop by the malls before we hit it back to the sticks.”
The counter girls was really cool and she had a whole bunch of things that the staff stopped taking samples of and we leave in good spirits adding that to our carry ons.
The clothes are so...expensive here with travelling and stuff just making it super high end.
Still next year an earlier flight because I want to look around.
Then it’s all over for Jess and me hanging out as it’s time for our flights and we’re on different planes hers stopping in Moncton and I’m Halifax bound.
I have just enough time to get a snowglobe for Gramps of Toronto and a CN tower one for Dad.
I’m going to share the make-up and things with the rest of the women in my family.
Yeah...I thought that.
I hope that sort of applies to Robin.
I’m scared of all of that.
And I’m freaked out a little that Robin is part of me so much.
Is that even normal?
Can I go back to being Rob?
I’m still questioning so much, maybe more than ever honestly.
I still am a total flight noob and loving it as much as I’m not ready to go home.
It takes so little time to get to Halifax.
And I do love how the city looks from up here and the harbor and citadel hill...it’s just kind of beautiful in that coming home way.
Then we’re landing and as I’m getting to baggage claim Aunt Chris and Terri’s there as well as Mom and Dad…
Oh shit...what do I do?
I wasn’t expecting our parents.
Breathing...Chapter 2
*Before…
I still am a total flight noob and loving it as much as I’m not ready to go home.
It takes so little time to get to Halifax.
And I do love how the city looks from up here and the harbor and citadel hill...it’s just kind of beautiful in that coming home way.
Then we’re landing and as I’m getting to baggage claim Aunt Chris and Terri’s there as well as Mom and Dad…
Oh shit...what do I do?
I wasn’t expecting our parents.
*And Now…
I’m standing there with my bags in my hands and jaw hanging open looking as every bit as girled up as when I left Toronto.
And my folks are there and Dad looks...shocked.
Shocked because he was looking around and as soon as I saw them and stopped Terri let out this really hyper and emotional scream of “Robin!” and ran over and she hugged me.
I can’t help it I hugged her too as she bounced and vibrated.
My brain’s locked in stall.
And Dad looks shocked like I’ve never seen him and Mom is still staring at me even more shocked than him.
Aunt Chris gives Dad a shove into him saying something before she comes over and hugs me. “Hello baby welcome home.”
I hug her tight and sigh. “Are they going to be alright?”
“Oh yeah I mean they sort of knew but they weren’t prepared for you like this.”
“Me like this?”
“All sunshined up and looking super cute and all the other stuff.”
“Oh...Other stuff?”
Aunt Chris looks at me. “You really picked up on how to carry yourself.”
Oh…
I’m blushing because I wasn’t trying and it was just something that I’d been doing for so long that it just stuck.
Dad comes over and looks at me then he looks me over and he hugs me. “Hey kiddo, you look good.”
“Uhm thanks Dad…” I have no idea what to say.
He grabs my luggage for me then Mom’s there and she is still kind of staring until she reaches up and moves a strand of my hair and touches my cheek.
“Oh...I have so much more to learn about you don’t I.”
My eyes go wide and they tear up as well because of all the things that could have been said would have likely been said I really, really was not expecting that.
Terri actually sniffles and she has tears starting and I reach in my bag and give her some tissues.
She smiles. “Thanks i just got this eyeliner right too.”
I nod. “That’s okay I have lots.”
Mom looks at me her head tilted. “How…?”
I give her sheepish look. “Well I go some before we left and then we stopped for lunch on the way up and some friends and I got some free things from Lush and before leaving the airport i score some free things at the MAC cosmetics store in the airport.”
Mom looks confused but she’s sort of smiling and Aunt Chris is looking at me like she’s proud and dad looks like I just spoke a foreign language and Terri hooks her finger into the opening of my bag. “Really! What did you get!?”
“Hey, lots of stuff nosy but most of it’s in my carry on tote.”
She grins and Aunt Chris turns and she starts leading the way out of the airport and I look at her car and our car and Dad’s putting my bags in our car so I get in our car. Mom actually gets in the back.
And then we’re driving but we’re following Aunt Chris and we’re heading to her place.
Dad’s looking at me as we’re driving. “So how was it?”
“It was...good...I made a lot of friends, really good friends. I want to go back next year.”
He’s looking at me. “So did you figure things out?”
I look back at him. “Some, A lot and learned even more stuff but some of the stuff that I learned led me around to like some bigger questions too.”
Mom’s like. “What kind of questions?”
“Who am I? Just how much is being Rob or Robin me? Why do I like this some much?”
She looks at me. “Lots of people crossdress Robin it’s not a big deal.”
I look back at her. “But it is, we live in the middle of nowhere Mom and I know that we’re not exactly totally in the back beyond but it’s still very, very red necked small town home….I’m not sure if I’m up to bucking the system honestly and I’m not sure who I am as Robin either. Do I just stop being me after learning who I am all these weeks?”
Mom leans ahead and she puts her hand on my shoulder. “You’re still our kid Robin whichever way that you figure out in taking.”
Dad sighs but he’s nodding too. “We’re with you no matter what. I’m just actually glad that you’re doing this and asking these questions instead of keeping quiet and bottling it all up.”
I look at him and he’s staring at Aunt Chris’s car and I think I get what he’s thinking about.
“I am too Dad, I’m scared as heck.”
He says as we’re pulling into her parking lot. “Yeah, there was none of this stuff even thought about being talked about when I was your age Robin. I want you to talk about it, I want you to hurt and be frustrated but we want to know...I don’t want to see you go through what Christine did.”
Yeah he actually said it.
And even Mom’s nodding and I know that means a lot too since as far as I’ve ever known Mom’s childhood was absolute shit.
We get out and I walk around to Dad’s side of the car and I give him a really big hug and he literally feels surprised by me doing that and I haven’t not really hugged him since Rob was a pre-teen.
Then I hug Mom who’s smiling and hugging me back and I keep hugging her as Dad gets my luggage?
He says. “You’ve some time before school so we figured you could use some more time with your Aunt here and sort of adjust or whatever you need to before actually coming home.”
“So you guys just came to see me?”
Mom shakes her head. “No we came here for that but yesterday we came here with your cousins so they could actually get some back to school deals and shopping before taking them home.”
Yeah there was something there too or lots of somethings. My cousins don’t have much and a pretty crappy home life half the time and back home they’re one of those looked down on families...even worse that we get home...home we’re lower middle class. My cousins are way less than that and it’s got to be hard.
And yeah they don’t make it any easier either some of them were like coming out of the womb with mullets and are not great people but there is that whole don’t know better thing.
Mom shakes it off. “So we came to see you and your Dad and I are taking a long, long deserved weekend in the city.”
I smile. “That’s actually really cool, so what’s the plans?”
We start walking in and I keep hugging her but I shift so it’s the girlfriend around the waist hip to hip walking together thing and we get a few feet before her eyes show that she’s realizing that we’re walking like that and she gets this look in her eyes that has all her smile lines in play and she starts back up walking with me and she even seems a little bouncy.
Uh-huh...Okay Mom’s really getting she’s just meeting Robin.
And I’m kind of excited to because this is Mom that Rob doesn’t get to see.
Breathing...Chapter 3
*Before…
We start walking in and I keep hugging her but I shift so it’s the girlfriend around the waist hip to hip walking together thing and we get a few feet before her eyes show that she’s realizing that we’re walking like that and she gets this look in her eyes that has all her smile lines in play and she starts back up walking with me and she even seems a little bouncy.
Uh-huh...Okay Mom’s really getting she’s just meeting Robin.
And I’m kind of excited to because this is Mom that Rob doesn’t get to see.
*And Now…
It’s actually even nice to hear Mom say as we’re walking hip to hip. “I used to do this with my friends y’know i didn’t think this was still a thing that girls did anymore.”
I smile a bit bigger. “Yeah it was a thing back at Moon Lake, a lot of the girls did stuff like that only it was a lot different with the lesbian girls.’
She laughs. “I can imagine...well know I can’t.” she looks at me as we’re taking the stairs up. “You know I just realized I really don’t know any out gay or lesbian people. I mean we have a few in town home but i really don’t actually know them.”
I sigh. “Yeah me either even at Moon Lake we all sort of knew each other is but I found myself getting in pretty deep with my cabin and most of they were trans girls.”
“And you were allowed in with them?”
I nod. “Actually because of me question my stuff like I am it’s okay or it was okay. It was a lot of shocks and learning though.”
“Shocks, yeah living as a girl could definitely be shocking.”
I nod. “Still is but at the same time Mom it was really like nothing like the shock I had of the girls that I met there and all the shitty stuff they got to deal with. You and Dad are flipping angels sent from heaven compared to some of those assholes.”
Mom’s looking at me and we stop just after we get in through the door from the stairwell.
“I’m seriously proud of you Robin, it’s hard, really hard to trust and make friends when you come from abuse. I’m so proud of you for doing that.”
“Proud enough for me to maybe have my best friend over sometime?”
“Best friend?”
I look her in the eyes. “Yeah...and I’ve never really said that before with anyone but Jess is my best friend she lives up in Hillsborough and that’s pretty close like somewhere around Moncton or something.”
She smiles. “I think we can figure something out. Heck I haven’t been to Moncton in ages so maybe a good reason to visit might be some different Christmas shopping, maybe a girls trip.”
I hug her tight. “Thanks Mom that’s seriously cool.”
She grins as we head to Aunt Chris’s apartment. “That’s right I am and don’t you forget it.”
We head inside and join the others and I can’t help but to smile as we’re greeted with the scent of lobster.
Okay a lot of people don’t like that smell but even living in Nova Scotia it’s a treat. It’s expensive and one of those things that we might get to have or afford once a summer and depending on how things go we sometimes have them around Christmas too.
And it’s a whole feed of them and Aunt chris has them in these big steel bowls and Terri and her have rolls of paper towels out and her table is covered in a plastic table cloth and there’s a really big pot set out for the shells and the bodies and she went out with all these fixings that i guess might be a town thing.
Butter, butter with lemon, butter with garlic, vinegars of different kinds, shrimp cocktail sauce and a bunch of other things.
Home it’s usually two things and that’s apple cider vinegar in a dipping dish or plain melter butter.
The couch is actually moved out of the way some too and we have lots of space and Aunt Chris is happy that she has the leaf in her table.
And there’s sides too….like for food.
Lobster just isn’t lobster without potato salad really and mom makes great like really great potato salad.
I think i actually really want to learn how to make it from her and there’s a bowl of potato chips out the thick Ms. Vickie’s kettle cooked salt and vinegar ones too.
And there’s coleslaw which Dad and Terri are both giving the evil eye to.
Yeah neither one like that very much.
And there’s lemonade.
Okay it’s really good all of it and we’re talking and as much as i’m telling them what Moon lake was like Dad and Mom are talking about the cousins being over and some of the stuff that they did from some cool things to the screw ups and things to Terri talking about working at Aunt Chris’s shop and people she’s met and working as a shampoo girl and things like how halifax isn’t really like she thought it was.
Oh and yeah the chip thing a Cape Breton this from where Aunt Chris’s grandparents lived and it’s frigging good just scoop some potato salad on the chip like one of those salsa dips and then pop a bit of lobster meat on there and it’s really good.
Dad and Aunt Chris squick the rest of us out as they eat and clean out the bodies of the lobsters with the eggs and the green stuff but Aunt Chris holds some of it aside for making lobster soup.
Which got Mom and her going on soup versus chowder and and Dad’s hopefully being diplomatic saying/asking for. “Both?”
Which had us all laughing.
Then once the feasting was over it was cleaning up and washing things down and shells and bodies and things going into pots on Aunt Chris’s stove with yeah one for her and one for Mom.
And Dad taking out the trash so it doesn’t smell of seafood and then dessert.
And dessert is the three of us me and Terri and Mom learning how to make Lemon tonic cake.
Apparently it’s another one of those things that comes from Aunt Chris’s side of things.
And being cut off from her family, and being trans and not having any kids and no one else but us.
No matter what’s going on in my head in my life I want to give her that.
And it is a simple recipe… Lemon boxed cake mix and a pre-heated over and greased pans with flour...but the actual cake is boxed cake with grated lemon peels added and juice squeezed in it then replacing the oil with olive oil and the liquids with a can of tonic water. Then right in the over after a quick mix because the tonic activates the baking powder.
I’ve never had it before and I kinda like it actually.
“I thought this was just for making like drinks with gin.”
Mom shudders. “Eeeeeww...Gin’s gross.”
Aunt Chris laughs at her. “That’s a reaction that speaks of a story, you’re so going to tell us right?”
I’m looking at Mom and so’s Terri and Mom’s looking at us and has this look on her face. “Holy...you two look so much like you’ve always been sisters.”
I look at Terri and she’s looking at me and she has that looking at me harder like she did before I left.
I step up and hug her. “I’m not sure about so much but I learned that I really want to get to know my sister a lot more…”
She hugs me back and she sniffles. “Me too!...I...I actually missed you when you went away for the summer…”
Breathing...Chapter 4
*Before…
Mom shudders. “Eeeeeww...Gin’s gross.”
Aunt Chris laughs at her. “That’s a reaction that speaks of a story, you’re so going to tell us right?”
I’m looking at Mom and so’s Terri and Mom’s looking at us and has this look on her face. “Holy...you two look so much like you’ve always been sisters.”
I look at Terri and she’s looking at me and she has that looking at me harder like she did before I left.
I step up and hug her. “I’m not sure about so much but I learned that I really want to get to know my sister a lot more…”
She hugs me back and she sniffles. “Me too!...I...I actually missed you when you went away for the summer…”
*And Now…
It’s really different to actually feel this way compared to how things between us have always been all of our lives. I mean it’s not like we hate each other at all it’s that Rob and Rob’s life was really different in so many ways.
And frankly I was jealous of the things she did and her chores and all the stuff that was different between us.
Moonlake showed me so many things and so many different people that I don’t feel that way any more and i want to get to know Terri a whole lot more.
And I’m serious about that because after knowing the girls in our cabin I can see that with my sister I’ve only barely scratched the surface.
And way more than that with Mom and Aunt Chris and even my grandmother.
We go from hugging to sitting at the table together as dessert is baking off and with some prompting from Aunt Chris and a glass of wine Mom embarrassedly starts telling us about when she was going with some guy called Josh Perkins and I know that Terri’s wracking her brain to figure out if we know him or not and she tells us about a party she had been to and the fight that broke them up.
Apparently he thought that she was easy and that it was something that was going around school for her given our other Aunt and that people thought it was like because of where she grew up and how poor they were.
She doesn’t go into that too much but she did have a few extra close together swallows of her wine as she mentioned that.
And she talks about this other girl named Kit who again is someone we don’t know and that Kit and her had just met that night and she had seen the whole thing go down and she offered Mom some Gin.
Actually she does say Gin and Tonic and Mom makes a face. “I had one and it wasn’t so bad but after that one hit I was so angry and wanted to do something that justified all the stuff Josh and his buddies had been saying I started drinking it straight.”
We all winced.
Mom looks at us. “And how do you two know how bad straight booze is?”
We both chuckle and Terri says. “Really Mom? I mean it’s home you literally can’t go to a dance without someone having booze.”
I nod. “I’m not a drinker though, it’s just a lot of the people that show up at the school dances are usually well lit when they get there and they’re kind of…”
Terri finishes. “Assholes.”
I nod. “There’s zero shortage of people home at school that are instant assholes just add alcohol.”
Mom looks at us. “You do know to not get into a car with someone that’s been drinking right?”
We both nod.
That’s kind of a no brainer, even in our grades as things are we all know people that crashed and died or were hit by a drunk driver or hurt even there’s no shortage of that happening in rural Nova Scotia either.
She smiles. “Good, and while I’m not impressed with either of you drinking i’m not going to blast you for it. Some stuff doesn’t change...but if I ever catch either of you coming in with booze on your breath when you’re underage then they’ll have to make up a new word for how grounded you’ll be.”
We’re both nodding and the cake is soon done and we’re having it how which is actually really good.
And I take some out to Dad and I sit with him. “Feeling left out?”
He was watching TV and pauses the show. “No, you all are having a good time I’m just Netflix and chilling.”
I grin. “I really hope not dad you’re supposed to do the chilling behind closed doors.”
He blinks. “What!?”
I laugh. “It’s slang for hooking up Dad, getting some.”
He blushes and covers his face with his hand. “Oh dear god I’m old.”
I laugh some more. “Have you used that with Mom?”
He’s nodding.
“And she didn’t know either right?”
He nods again.
“Next time tell her to google it.”
He drops his hand and he grins at me. “I just might have to do that.” he eats some cake and asks. “So how are you holding up?”
“I’m okay, it’s still really strange being Robin around you and Mom.”
He nods. “I hope you know that we’re behind you kiddo, I mean people go through lots of stuff and kids that are well LGBT are usually going through a lot of stuff from things I know through your Aunt Chris and stuff that I’ve read.”
I sit back further into the couch and pull my legs under me. It’s more comfortable that you think only it’s just one of those really coded gender deals that guys or non-femme guys aren’t socially allowed to do.
“I’m actually still thinking of all the stuff ahead Dad. What is home going to be like or feel like and I kind of like being Robin but I have no idea how going back to Rob’s going to feel and then there’s school and town and the grandparents and just me trying to walk back into my old life and there’s just so much that’s changed about me.”
“Like being Robin?” He asks.
I nod and pull a small couch cushion in front on me and I hug it. “And the fact I like me, her, I like being Robin and that when I’ve been Robin I’ve met a guy and talked and danced and stuff and it was so much not the end of the world.”
Breathing...Chapter 5
*Before…
I sit back further into the couch and pull my legs under me. It’s more comfortable that you think only it’s just one of those really coded gender deals that guys or non-femme guys aren’t socially allowed to do.
“I’m actually still thinking of all the stuff ahead Dad. What is home going to be like or feel like and I kind of like being Robin but I have no idea how going back to Rob’s going to feel and then there’s school and town and the grandparents and just me trying to walk back into my old life and there’s just so much that’s changed about me.”
“Like being Robin?” He asks.
I nod and pull a small couch cushion in front on me and I hug it. “And the fact I like me, her, I like being Robin and that when I’ve been Robin I’ve met a guy and talked and danced and stuff and it was so much not the end of the world.”
*And Now…
Dad looks at me.
“So that guy…?”
“Danny.”
“Okay Danny, you didn’t mind how you two clicked.”
I shake my head. “No...it was freaky and it was really scary too but in the end it was still sort of exciting...and he was nice and it was kinda cool.”
“Were you attracted to him?”
“Sorta...kinda…? I’m not even sure really but I liked me when I was with him as Robin.”
He’s nodding. “And that’s still a factor in things now?”
I hug the cushion some more. “Yeah, I mean I’m not like oh-em-gee guys or anything but before this summer Rob was pretty sort of sure in his sexuality at least.”
Dad nods. “Sexuality when you’re not straight is rough enough.”
I sort of just gesture in that whole open armed way. “I know right? I mean I’m still trying to get to where me unbecoming Robin is eventually going to happen and how I’m going to react and feel when that happens and all the stuff with home and school. So what the heck am I going to do if this sexuality stuff is still going on in my head too?”
He smiles. “You know we love you regardless right.”
I sigh. “I do and I’m so, so, so lucky you guys do. I’m just still scared Dad and part of me is freaking out even still with you and mom being okay with Robin existing.”
Dad moves and he goes over and he hugs me. “You’re our kid, and that’s enough. Look you’re mom and I we’re not that far removed from you guys. We’re not boomers we’re barely gen x’ers. Sure we didn’t have as many folks coming out and stuff as you guys do but that doesn’t mean we’re not going to support you or your sister.”
He ruffles my hair with his hand. “And if our town can’t deal with stuff then that’s a pretty damned sad state of affairs and all considering these days. But no matter what we’ll face it all together.”
I sigh and lean on him and we stay like that until Mom and my sister and Aunt chris come out from the kitchen and we actually all sit together and we end up talking about things to do and see while we’re here in Halifax.
We’re going to do a mall trip and see where Terri and Aunt Chris work at and we’re going to likely hit a few movies while we’re here since home doesn’t have a movie theater anymore.
We had a little independent one like a long time ago and it does like some plays and things now once in awhile from the whole town cultural crowd and things and they show like private artsy films like documentaries and things but it’s not really a thing most folks go to.
Especially for like general entertainment.
Heck I’m not sure our movie rental place will hold up too much longer with people able to see pay per view movies on their cable or online.
So going to a good theater is a treat.
And there’s going to be more shopping too. Not like Robin shopping like we’re talking about the first time around but school shopping since we’re here in town and we can get stuff all in one go while we’re here and can hit more stores and places.
And oddly enough and it’s kind of serendipitous? I think that’s the word but it’s also Pride week here. Like LGBT+ Pride and none of us except for Aunt Chris has been to one.
It’s kind of neat to hear about that since Aunt Chris is part of the whole thing and not because she’s trans or that she does a weekend drag show either but she’s actually in the organizing group of it too.
We actually talk like this for a couple of hours which is just like a record for us as a family about things and then it’s sort of late and sort of not but we’re all yawning so we decide to call it a night early.
So that leads to a round of using the bathroom and getting ready for bed and Dad taking off to go to the motel with Mom.
They’re going for a break, some private time I think and I don’t want to think too much on it either because y’know just nope and eeeew.
Terri and I get changed and we head off to the spare room and she’s been using that while she’s been living here and it shows with all of her stuff that she’s picked up since being here and we set up a bed in a bag which is pretty cool and loads better than a sleeping bag on the floor and her and I stay up for awhile watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on her laptop.
I fall asleep after the second show.
It’s not too bad a show and kinda rough and raunchy but that doesn’t bother me. It’s just after leaving camp and coming home all in the same day and all the shock and stuff with my family and being full from supper I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.
My dreams sweep me up in visions of Moon lake and of being Robin in my hometown and no one knowing that I’m...was Rob but I’m just the new girl.
Breathing… Chapter 6
*Before…
Terri and I get changed and we head off to the spare room and she’s been using that while she’s been living here and it shows with all of her stuff that she’s picked up since being here and we set up a bed in a bag which is pretty cool and loads better than a sleeping bag on the floor and her and I stay up for awhile watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on her laptop.
I fall asleep after the second show.
It’s not too bad a show and kinda rough and raunchy but that doesn’t bother me. It’s just after leaving camp and coming home all in the same day and all the shock and stuff with my family and being full from supper I just couldn’t keep my eyes open.
My dreams sweep me up in visions of Moon lake and of being Robin in my hometown and no one knowing that I’m...was Rob but I’m just the new girl.
*And Now…
I’m not used to sleeping in but the bed-in-a-bag is actually comfy and after everything yesterday and traveling and the time difference sleeping in feels actually pretty good.
The dreams were...well sort of good but also sort of really unsettling too in a way because part of me wanted that.
I don’t think that going back to school as Robin in my small town’s going to fly either.
I can imagine and well not quite likely imagine all of the hate that i could get if that was going to happen.
And then there’d be the blowback on my family too.
I layed there for the longest time it felt like after there was enough light coming into the room to wake me up.
Just curled on my side sort of hugging part of the sheets like a body pillow and turning that over and over in my head.
The dream and the consequences and all those forbidden thoughts of what if.
And the thing is I’m still not sure of it, if I’m anything or this is just all me trying to escape me or figuring things out because of other stuff.
Terri wakes up and she looks over at me and she smiles even as she rubs her eyes.
“Morning.”
I sit up and stretch some. “Morning back.”
She gets up and makes the bed which has me raising my eyebrows. Terri looks at me. “Hey, not my house so…”
“Fair point.”
I roll off my bed and do the same and Terri looks at me. “Gym?”
“Pardon what?”
“There’s a gym in the basement I use it a lot before I have to do anything and before my shower so….you coming?”
“Uhm...okay.” I find some of my clothes that will work for Robin working out and Terri actually does the hair in a bun and no make-up thing and she stops in the kitchen and makes two smoothies with Carnation instant breakfast and some cocoa powder and other things and we share half a banana and half a granola bar before heading down.
It’s not bad not like a real gym but there’s a bowflex and some pink plastic covered free weights and a bike and a treadmill and a jump rope too and we actually work out.
I’m surprised too since that’s not something that Terri even did home and well neither did I really but I did more like physical chores and well messed around in the weight room at school like half the guys did. We don’t get full use from it since it’s usually like the domain of the sports teams and stuff.
Terri put on the TV that’s down there and we watched or rather listened to videos on Much Music while we worked out pretty hard for a half an hour. I let her do all the stuff she wants and I go with what she’s doing.
Light weights, running, biking, and jumping rope.
We actually have fun doing the jump rope thing because I think I last did that like in kindergarten?
Not really a boys toy even back then.
We use a bunch of baby wipes after we’re done and head upstairs again and I’ll admit it still was a work out and she looks great.
I can tell this is part of why she looked so different when I seen her.
And yeah...maybe part of me is jealous.
I have to ask though. “So why the change and the working out?”
Terri looks at me. “I want to look better.” She shrugs. “Aunt Chris does this stuff all the time and she got me into it too with her.”
She looks at me. “I want to be popular Robin, I lived in Halifax all summer and you were off in Ontario I want to come back and not just be same old Terri.”
I nod and she’s staring at me.
I look at her. “What?”
“Normally you’d have gone off on me like being shallow and stuff.”
I shake my head. “Not now. Heck no, I get wanting out, and not just like out from home but like out from who we sort of have been going along with being.”
Terri gapes at me and then she blinks and smiles. “Can I keep you? Seriously Robin...this mean a lot, part of me was expecting you to go back to being Rob and with all of that stuff that Rob used to bitch at me about.”
I blush. “Sorry, yeah I could be an asshole sometimes.”
She holds up her hands . “No...no I was kinda just like you said too sometimes. Living here and seeing new stuff but really getting to know Aunt Chris and seeing the huge mountain of bullshit and pain she’s been through...I get things a whole lot more about being privileged and stuff and kinda about starting to do stuff instead of talking about doing stuff.”
We head into the kitchen where Mom’s sipping coffee with Aunt Chris and there’s lots of toast made and some bottles of homemade jam that are awesome and I end up asking about that and talking with Aunt Chris about it.
Lemon peeling and whole lemon sliced marmalade using like two kinds of lemons and there’s just a little vanilla in it so it actually has this hint of like lemon pie.
Green tomato jam which is big chunks with sliced bits of oranges and then brown sugar and cold orange pekoe tea as the liquid.
We talk about camp and me working in the different places and then Terri who worked with Aunt Chris at the salon place she was working at for her day job.
And then Dad’s there and we make plans for the day to go out and see more of Halifax since we’ve never seen it like the touristy things and we head off all together.
After we get showered and changed.
We stop off at the salon and meet folks and Mom gets her hair done and Dad gets a cut but something newer and not from the barbershop in town.
I get Aunt chris with the tanning stuff to help me get rid of my tan lines and things and get it all evened out and covered up professionally before I head home. I also keep my long hair but just a trim and a few highlights that will look good for Rob.
Then it’s a few other places like the boardwalk which doesn’t have a lot going on it’s just we’ve never been and it’s just cool to go to and see and shop or well mostly window shop since a lot of it is touristy stuff and it’s really expensive.
But we do have fun and we do laugh and carry on and take some pictures.
Seeing Mom and Dad walking and holding hands and things in pretty cool too.
I can appreciate that kind of stuff more even when they get all PDA and stuff.
Then it’s shopping.
Mom and Aunt Chris literally have this list of places that they want to go to and literally have it all on Aunt Chris’s tablet and Dad drives us around and while I’m interested there’s only so much that I can really let myself get into because I’ll be going back to being Rob.
But on that note Terri and I shop for Rob like two girls shopping for a guy and that helps.
It actually helps a lot and in more than one way too.
As Rob I knew what I liked and what was comfortable but I never really got that whole thing that some of the preppy sort of guys did with just like knowing what was good looking or cool looking with like clothes and things.
Turns out there’s like a formula for all of that with like matching this and that and a good watch and good shoes because girls look at shoes and belts but a watch...apparently there’s a whole thing with that too that’s considered sexy.
And then there’s them helping me with shopping for a whole new bathroom kit for Rob and better soap and shaving cream and things that are nice and not overpowering. Mom and Aunt Chris are like really helpful with all of that with that mature woman’s perspective on it and both Terri and I learn something with all of that.
I do by some things for me as Robin. I’m not sure how or when I’m going to use them and it might just be only home or back at Moon Lake.
But I get them anyways.
It’s a good day...I’m really kind of privately doing the roller coaster between scared of what’s coming and being angry that I have to change and scared that I don’t want to change and what that even means and sad too when I think about either changing or how messed up I feel about all of this.
We stop at Aunt Chris’s place again and drop things off and go and change again and we all take off to have supper heading out to King of Donair.
Yeah it’s something we all like and again one of those things that you have to travel to get when it’s really good like they do it. Home is okay but it’s not going here and after we really stuff ourselves there we head to the mall to go and see another movie that we wanted to see while we’re here.
Mom and Dad go see something by themselves and yeah they look like they’re going to do more than just watch a movie and Terri and Aunt Chris and myself we go and get our snacks and we settle in.
Tomorrow...likely it’ll be time to put being robin away tomorrow.
*Before…
I do buy some things for me as Robin. I’m not sure how or when I’m going to use them and it might just be only home or back at Moon Lake.
But I get them anyways.
It’s a good day...I’m really kind of privately doing the roller coaster between scared of what’s coming and being angry that I have to change and scared that I don’t want to change and what that even means and sad too when I think about either changing or how messed up I feel about all of this.
We stop at Aunt Chris’s place again and drop things off and go and change again and we all take off to have supper heading out to King of Donair.
Yeah it’s something we all like and again one of those things that you have to travel to get when it’s really good like they do it. Home is okay but it’s not going here and after we really stuff ourselves there we head to the mall to go and see another movie that we wanted to see while we’re here.
Mom and Dad go see something by themselves and yeah they look like they’re going to do more than just watch a movie and Terri and Aunt Chris and myself we go and get our snacks and we settle in.
Tomorrow...likely it’ll be time to put being Robin away tomorrow.
*And Now…
The movie was fine but really it just sort of felt like going back to rob was hanging over me and the night some.
I knew that I was getting sympathetic looks from Aunt Chris some of the time and when it got late Terri and I crashed.
She actually pulled me into bed with her.
“This doesn’t happen with Rob, I don’t know this, this is just different.”
And I didn’t even sleep that well either.
Bad dreams.
And it wasn’t dreams of being outed either which you’d almost figure would have been a thing but it was more like me dreaming of all my friends from camp.
And the lives that they were leading and all of the things that were going on with them and them actually transitioning and all these really good things.
I really do hope at least some of it comes true.
But me?
I was just me.
And getting more stuck in a rut being Rob stuck at home in my one dead horse town working at crap jobs and just going through the motions.
And honestly it was really close to something that could happen.
I didn’t know that you could have dismal nightmares.
Getting up and getting ready was slow and Aunt Chris did help with ample really good coffee and that helped a lot then we packed up everything.
Mom and Dad had a really good night too.
I could just tell by the looks that they were sharing with each other and those little touches and signals and everything.
So I put a smile on my face and really, really tried to concentrate on the good things.
It was still pretty hard and it really sucked saying goodbye to Aunt Chris for both me and for Terri who learned a lot being here.
I will always love the Cool Aunt Hug that she gave me.
Then it was driving home and it was a long drive and one that was too short all at the same time.
God...everything seemed different and yet so badly the same all at the same time.
The same places and what looked like the same things going on and then driving through town we ended up going home.
Okay there was work to be done already with lumber in the yard and there being a lot of tree length firewood in a massive pile in the yard too.
I hate firewood.
Part of me groaned inside just seeing all of the projects.
I mean I love my grandpa and everything but the end of summertime he gets all projecty before the snow starts to fly.
Literally months and months away but I’ve been gone and he’s likely got everything planned for me to do with him and Dad.
Okay it was not as bad as I thought that it was and my mood definitely colored things.
We came home and unpacked and as soon as I seen my room I knew that I wanted to change it.
Which mom was all for since it meant cleaning things.
The cousins hadn’t touched too much stuff between my room and Terri’s so it wasn’t too upsetting and things but we still cleaned everything while Mom and Grandma cooked or finished this big supper that Grandma had planned.
Part of me wanted to be in the kitchen too.
And even though they knew, know about Robin just thinking of going there was hard.
I’ll admit my room needed clearing and the color was fine and all it’s just that there was stuff that I wanted to come down and to put some other stuff up. So after walls were washed and the carpet cleaned I moved things around and put up some shelves that were one of those things we were always going to get around to doing.
So some pictures in actual frames from Halifax and the cheap dollar store places and a cork board for things like some of my pictures that I have from there as well as postcards and my plane and bus ticket and some of my tourist stuff.
The school stuff sorted and unpacked and things put away I was glad to just be done.
Terri was washing like everything we had and while the cousins weren’t dirty or bad people there’s this whole thing of what did other people do and everything.
I mean realistically.
And Robin carefully went into rubber totes under my bed with some dryer sheets and everything taken care of and sorted.
I couldn’t put her into my closet.
I couldn’t…
I end up having a moment where the non sleep and the stress catches up with me and I cry some to myself.
I get called to supper and I go and I was my face so I’m not too blotchy and I sort of wet my hair too and then head to the dining room where all these really great smells are coming from.
Lobsters just in the shell and a big pot of them and then there’s homemade fried chicken potato salad and a lovely plate of garden veggies all sliced and set out. Okay stuff fresh from the garden does cheer me up a little it really is a taste from home.
I guy shake hands and half-hug grandpa who does the same and pounds me affectionately on my back.
“Welcome back kiddo, you and me and your dad have a lot of stuff to do when you’re not working.”
I fake a smile. “Missed you grandpa, we’ll get things done don’t worry.”
Then grandma hugs me really tightly and she whispers in my ear. “Later tonight when he’s watching his shows I’m coming over. I want to meet Robin.”
Okay...I’m pretty surprised all over again.
*Before…
I guy shake hands and half-hug grandpa who does the same and pounds me affectionately on my back.
“Welcome back kiddo, you and me and your dad have a lot of stuff to do when you’re not working.”
I fake a smile. “Missed you grandpa, we’ll get things done don’t worry.”
Then grandma hugs me really tightly and she whispers in my ear. “Later tonight when he’s watching his shows I’m coming over. I want to meet Robin.”
Okay...I’m pretty surprised all over again.
*And Now…
I’ll admit that I’m not just surprised but part of me is happy as well. Grandma saying that as well as the really big hug she gave me did help a lot.
And it was a grandma hug with that difference when a woman or a girl hugs another woman or a girl.
There’s something deeper in that lean in, something deeper in the squidge.
It cheers me up enough that the food is cheering me up as well and there’s BBQ that Gramps made and he’s one of those old guys that has his own cooker that’s this old steel drum that was long cleaned out and like cut with a torch and all put together like so many of those old guys do around here.
Seriously they grew up pretty much all poor so everyone had made do.
So there’s BBQ that he made with ribs that were swimming in sauce when they started now cooked so deep and low that they have this almost sort of sauce jam on them.
And there’s ham shoulder which is done with the cap on and smothered in a sauce he cooks down from canned pineapples and other things that is really good but even better after the next day.
And there’s lobster.
We almost always have lobster for any kind of big occasions in our family.
Grandpa of course knows people and so does dad so there’s always a big feed.
And there’s all the sides as well and Grandma has some lobster shelled as well in a bowl and mixed with things for us to make our family lobster rolls with.
Not the hot dog bun ones either though those are good too but it’s grandma’s feather rolls and you pull off the top like a muffin and then pull out and eat some of that tuft of bread in there that’s when you either put in a spoonful of coleslaw in the roll or potato salad and then top it with the lobster and the top of the roll...their kind of more like a slider.
And then well there’s the salads and the sides which are usually pickles and things. Grandma makes this green tomato chow-chow sour pickle that is perfect with the ribs because it cuts through everything.
And there’s corn on the cob and that sort of has me smiling and thinking of camp because to be honest the corn we had up there was really good, better than ours.
We eat and we talk about things at camp for me in stuff I learned and took and the jobs and things and Terri is talking about Halifax and the people she met and some of the customers and people she got to work with.
Grandpa looks at me. “So this Moon Lake is a kind of camp for the queer kids.”
I almost choked on my can of coke.
Dad sighs. “It’s a camp for LGBT+ kids.”
“Good.”
We all are looking at him. He looks at us. “What? I knew things about how you two hooked up and Christina’s a lovely woman even if she didn’t start out that way. You youngsters think this is new?”
He is almost punctuating what he’s saying as he’s cracking open his lobster.
“Well I think it’s a good thing. Look at Christina and all the hell she went through because no one would listen to her or she thought that everyone would hate her.”
Dad says. “A lot of people did and do hate her.”
Grandpa gets that old guy look when they have that air of being indignant about something. “And we damned well don’t talk to those people any more now do we. We nearly lost Christina and I’m not having that happen with my grandkids.”
I’m choking up and Terri’s crying openly and Mom and Grandma have tears in their eyes and Grandma moves her chair over right next to him in this scooch movement and she’s smiling at him until he turns red.
I smile at that because they’re holding hands and I get this moment of seeing time almost peel back and I see the same people I’ve seen in their wedding pictures.
They even kiss and he feeds her some lobster and they do this whole little sweet thing and then Grandma says. “Okay...you both went really far out in the world so let’s really sit and talk.”
Talking started as we were eating and a lot of it was talking about “queer stuff” and it’s not a dig from grandpa but it’s that sort of old school language that they use and Mom and Dad and Terri and I talk about things and I sort of end up talking about the most of it with like the most recent experience and all the things that I learned in camp.
About how it’s LGBTQAIPD+
The LGB stuff’s pretty easy, the T gets into stuff like transgender versus transexual which is usually defines by the dysphoric need that it’s not enough to transition and live as that gender but that surgery and bottom surgery in most cases is required by them. Then there’s the whole non-binary crowd which I really have to explain.
Which is they’re not a boy or a man and their not a girl or a woman and while some of them are in between just themselves.
Which kinda led into the Ace community which can refer to either asexual people which kind of don’t have sexual attraction with other people. Which can go from not really feeling attraction that much at all and would rather just be platonic with everyone to those that feel attraction but just can’t with people.
And then there’s the Ace community that is Agender which means that they don’t really find any connection to gender at all. It’s not the same as being Non-binary which I have to explain because a Non-Binary person still has like normal levels of gender feelings and things and want to be themselves and express that while Agender want to express sort of this gender neutral sort of thing.
It took a while to get through that even with my parents and stuff because for some folks this is confusing.
“The biggest thing we were taught was it’s not either-or...it’s and...All these letters are part of the community because they overlap.”
The I is for Intersex people and they’re included because of the things that happened to them or the way that they’re seen. There’s some of the kids at camp who were Intersex and because of things that were happening to them they were finding themselves too and some where transitioning.
And P is for Pansexual.
Terri asked. “Isn’t Pan just a fancy way of saying that their Bisexual?”
I nod. “That’s something from what I get is pretty much up in the air. Some people see Bisexuals as into either or but not things like non-binary. Others say it’s either or and everything in between and they say that Pan is just fancy Bisexuality. Pansexuals sort of see it as that whole hearts not parts kind of thing.”
“How’s that different?”
I shrugged. “All I can put it down to is the Bi crowd that are the ones that say either or. Both them and the people that call themselves Pansexual say there’s a difference and it’s enough that they’re a thing.”
D is for Demi-sexual and that’s like being Asexual only once in a long time and usually after there’s a long time of getting to know someone the demi-sexual person will feel attracted to someone. It’s not just being picky or being selective or just getting to know someone it’s literally like from everything I found out that there’s like a threshold...a demi can see that person naked they get attracted to for years before whatever happens happens...that and it’s also like being Pansexual because most demi-sexual people will form attractions to who the person is as much as what they are.
Really confusing for them until they start figuring out the demi-thing they might have thought that they “swung” one way and finally sort of came out only to have someone else happen to them.
One of the trans guys told me me. “It’s like you are kinda meh about the whole dating and sex thing then you meet someone and you like Frank-sexual or David-sexual when it hits.” which is how I explain that to them as we’re talking seriously about stuff and eating dessert.
Q is for Queer which is kind of a slur but not as well with the way that the community is and it’s sort of a catchall too. A lot of people that have a lot of different things going on like a trans lesbian or other things might just use queer because it’s easier than trying to tell people what you are and having it sound like some kind of messed up resume.
Then there’s the other Q side which is Questioning.
It’s considered actually an important part of the community and it’s kind of tangential like being queer because you might figure into being part of other things later.
“See we don’t double the Q’s or The A’s because they’re really over lapping things.”
Dad nodded cutting into a piece of cake. “It can be a mouthful.”
I nod. “There’s a lot of stuff with that in the community too and lots of fights and arguing as well. The most common thing is either just to go with the LGBT+ or the LGBTQAI+ in most places these days.”
Dessert is pretty great too we have a lemon cake with is three layers with lemon zest in the icing and there’s lemon pudding in the middle and then there’s pie. Grandma baked a strawberry pie and a blueberry pie.
We’re allowed to have drinks with the adults since it’s a special occasion and we’re all full of food.
So it’s us getting to try a bottle of that dessert wine that’s made with the frozen grapes at the vineyard and stuff which is...really kinda yuck to me and grandpa but dad likes it “in small doses” he adds. And we try some Sherry which I really don’t like that much either but it’s Grams go to. I love the bottle it’s that rich blue glass.
In the end I ended up drinking orange pekoe tea with peach schnapps in it and a little cream which I will have to say was really good with a little of the cake and the strawberry pie.
After dessert we sort of split off Dad and Grandpa to do some of the chores and I’m helping with things there and outside. Grandma’s got the lobster leftovers in the kitchen to be shelled and she has all of the shells in this big roaster tossed in melted butter and they’re cooking off literally getting roasted with some white wine and after things that need to get done we’re doing dishes and cleaning all the little bit meat out of the lobsters and their bodies.
They’re that expensive that we use everything and even as expensive as they are we still splurge a few times a year to get them.
But yeah every little flake is gone through and pulled out and either used or saved. Mom likes to save some of it and freeze it so when we have a big to do or something or like Christmas or something she’ll do Lobster puff like a Crab puff or she’ll do Lobster balls which is little cherry sized ball of lobster and cream cheese with lobster butter and like sweet red pepper and some other things but they’re really good she usually tries to have some joint/knuckle meat to put in the middle if those.
Oh and Lobster butter is what’s in the oven, basically it all cooks down and then you take out the thing and fragile shells and buzz them up in the food processor and dump it all back into the roaster until it cooks down and the wine burns off and you have this butter that’s all roasted lobster flavored and sort of orange.
A secret family ingredient in our seafood soups and chowders….oh and Lobster fried rice….yeah that’s a thing here with us.
Mom usually freezes it and saves it after every feed.
It’s doing all this stuff and having a few more drinks as we’re doing it and talking and it’s Terri’s turn as she talks about some cool people she met and that a couple were girls and that mixed in her head with what I was going through and doing and she figured out that she’s… “Maybe Bi or like Pan or whatever.”
After things are done we’re having another round of drinks then grandma says.
“Why don’t you go and change so we can spend time with Robin?”
I swallow my tea and schnapps. “Are you sure?”
I look at her and Mom and then Dad and Grandpa and they’re all nodding and Terri smiles at me. “C’mon Robin let’s go and get you changed.”
*Before…
It’s doing all this stuff and having a few more drinks as we’re doing it and talking and it’s Terri’s turn as she talks about some cool people she met and that a couple were girls and that mixed in her head with what I was going through and doing and she figured out that she’s… “Maybe Bi or like Pan or whatever.”
After things are done we’re having another round of drinks then grandma says.
“Why don’t you go and change so we can spend time with Robin?”
I swallow my tea and schnapps. “Are you sure?”
I look at her and Mom and then Dad and Grandpa and they’re all nodding and Terri smiles at me. “C’mon Robin let’s go and get you changed.”
*And Now…
Terri takes my hand and we head to my room and she closes my door as I pull the totes from under my bed out.
I look at her. “I couldn’t put her, me into the closet. I just can’t Ter.”
“So under the bed so you’re sort of sleeping over her or you or like whatever?”
I blush and do a shaky nod.
She helps me go through things and she even steps out while I do my downstairs tuck and gaff business and she smiles when I say that it’s okay to come back in.
“Cute panties.”
“Thanks, I like them and they’re something...I don’t know. For me? It’s like that first serious clothing thing that I’ve bought like y’know.”
Terri nods. “There was so much of that for me this summer, it was like me buying for me and judging things for what I wanted and it was for like everything. Aunt Chris gave me lots of advice but this was me really kind of getting to…”
“Breathe?” I say to her smiling.
“Exactly, no parents and no friends and none of what other people around me thought. Just me living and working and making all of my own choices.”
I’m nodding as I’m rolling on some deodorant and then a tiny puff of body spray and then it’s getting into my bra and inserts and getting them right and settled before getting into my bra and then I slip into a skirt that I like and sandals and match it with my camp t-shirt from the lake and Terri helps me do a quick fix with my hair and I’m pretty nervous as we head back out.
Dad smiles and both Grandpa and Grandma are definitely giving me a serious look over and then they both hug me.
Grandma says. “Hello Robin it’s really nice to meet you.”
“Hi…” I can’t help it I’m blushing and she’s doing that grandma thing where she fixes your hair in a good way just to like care-fuss.
*Before…
“Breathe?” I say to her smiling.
“Exactly, no parents and no friends and none of what other people around me thought. Just me living and working and making all of my own choices.”
I’m nodding as I’m rolling on some deodorant and then a tiny puff of body spray and then it’s getting into my bra and inserts and getting them right and settled before getting into my bra and then I slip into a skirt that I like and sandals and match it with my camp t-shirt from the lake and Terri helps me do a quick fix with my hair and I’m pretty nervous as we head back out.
Dad smiles and both Grandpa and Grandma are definitely giving me a serious look over and then they both hug me.
Grandma says. “Hello Robin it’s really nice to meet you.”
“Hi…” I can’t help it I’m blushing and she’s doing that grandma thing where she fixes your hair in a good way just to like care-fuss.
*And Now…
It is really strange and still scary to be out and at home with my folks and as Robin home, in my own home.
It’s also really cool the way Grandma is being and I’m honestly most surprised by Grandpa who is such this old school, old farmer and logger and fisherman type I mean he was even in World War Two.
Mom decides to do the family thing even more and she digs out Scrabble since Dad and I only like Risk and well Monopoly just gets folks steamed.
Scrabble’s a learning game in my house so it’s highly approved and Terri and I get to have another peach tea. We’re not buzzing or anything since it’s been awhile since the last one and it’s a very adult kind of things to do.
I don’t think I’m ever going to really be a drinker. I’ve tried it a few times but it hasn’t really been something I’ve liked so far and gin like Gramps like with tonic...wow it smells like the finishing room in wood shop.
Dad sticks to his beer now that he’s not driving and he drinks Keith’s only as it’s like local and maritimer and all that. He’ll drink Moosehead too just not anything from a microbrewery.
Or as Dad calls it Hipster garage batch.
We play and talk and honestly it’s Terri and I taking up a lot of the conversation as we both go off about our summers.
And when it somehow shifted over to make-up it was just us girls and Dad and Grandpa retired to the woodshed.
See this is a guy thing right?
Out there both having a few “pops” and listening to the radio while they chop wood or like split kindling.
I’m good where I am plus it’s neat talking and comparing notes with Terri who learned from Aunt Chris personally and at her work.
And that gets to the point of where to explain things to Mom and Grandma we end up in Mom’s room and have Terri’s trove and my trove and Mom’s things and we start doing makeovers.
Grandma is impressed as she hasn’t really used much past what she was used to for a long time and was interested in how light things are and how much they have changed.
Liquid powder foundation and tone blending an some lighter mascara and eyeliner and using a lip brush and pencil for more definition.
Mom is even pretty dated too.
And we did this for a couple hours before we mud masked all up and made hot chocolate and watched Sisterhood of The Travelling pants.
Plus this started and created Ladies Night.
We’re going to try and do this once a week.
It’s actually pretty late when we’re done and Gramps and Dad were chivalrous and stayed up for Grandma and Mom.
I went to bed after de-masking and with a ladies night planned I’m feeling better about putting things away.
I’ll have a night to Un-Rob myself and to decompress and breathe.
The next morning comes pretty fast and it’s up and doing the chores and it’s not so bad compared to what I thought it was. Maybe I did need some space.
Breakfast was pretty much just toast and cereal and then it was getting to work.
I’m clearing brush which means using the thinning saw which like like a weed wacker but with a circular saw blade on it. Dad is power sawing trees down and we’re clearing a whole new section of the trees near the houses to make another side yard.
We’re buying an old trailer/mini-home to put in here.
Why?
Well for me and Terri to have some private space and to have friends over and I’m kind of thrilled that this will include any of the girls from camp that might want to stay over sometime.
And it was pretty hard on the house having the cousins here so when they are here this will be where they’re staying from now on.
Dad says things are pretty bad for them so this might have to become an emergency shelter for them too at some point in time.
That’s a little worrying.
I mean part of me is kind of selfish and hopes that this won’t happen but some of my cousins they’re families are pretty rough.
A lot of people don’t get that a lot of the time when you’re poor things can get really bad.
Like Mom’s first cousin Sandra.
I like Aunt Sandra she is sort of nice. I don’t know her well but as nice as she seems she’s got a pile of kids. And not to be shaming but she has them from different guys. The first one was the only one she married and that’s Uncle Raymond and he’s...well I’m not going to make any bones about it he’s a piece of shit.
I’m not going to stereotype him with the black thing because those things you see on TV aren’t really a thing here.
But he did leave her and the kids high and dry and never paid alimony or support and from everything I ever heard he takes off out West and works the oil rigs for a season and then gets off and comes back here on full pogie and has all this cash that he parties. And he parties with women a lot younger than him too.
So yeah he’s a piece of shit.
And the black thing?
Well it’s only really a thing because while the black stereotypes aren’t really a thing down here ALL of the racism is.
So my cousins, his kids had to grow up half and that just means all that scorn from folks because they’re half and their dad left and they are both dark skinned, or dark skinned enough that they still got all of the racist stuff full blast.
They live in Truro which is about an hour from Halifax in the other direction from us. Truro is one of those towns that’s kind of a city but not and one of those places too where in a lot of places jobs and stuff were just getting worse.
So yeah things were crap with all of that and add in Aunt Sandra just adding more bad choices in her guys...and three more kids all of five of them are girls that’s just… bad and Aunt Sandra being a single mom never really worked.
Which just added to things.
Then there’s my Aunt June my Dad’s sister.
Who is married to this real asshole Uncle Ralph.
Yeah like puke.
He and her have four kids and he’s like biblical mean to his kids and strict. Just without the bible. All four are boys so they’re...well he’s not a good dad and he drinks a lot too.
He won’t come here.
Aunt June won’t either or she won’t come and stay she’s loyal to Ralph for whatever insane reason. But he won’t come here. It was even before I was born I guess and there was a fight and more than just words like fist flew.
Dad and him went at it hard and I guess gramps went and literally got the shotgun.
It’s been sort of we don’t talk unless we have to.
The two youngest boys come here after Jason who’s the oldest took off outwest when he was sixteen. And after taking the brunt of Jason being gone Mathew ran away here.
Or tried to he got lost and called Dad to come and get him.
Somewhere out by Great River soaked from hitching in the rain.
Stuff was said between my folks and Aunt June and The two younger Tanner and Davey come here. Matt used to but he has a girlfriend now that he pretty much lives with.
I know I’ve complained before and things but...camp, some of the stuff my friends went through.
I can get the need with my cousins if things get worse.
I still want this space for my friends to come here at least a few times between coming to camp.
So I’m working hard.
And Terri is working hard too since this place will be here for here and her friends too.