By
Morpheus
The Imp is an infamous art thief and super villain, and after a year long sabbatical, she's back in the game and out to prove that she still has what it takes. However, her latest heist soon proves to be a huge pain in the tail.
This is a non-TG story that takes place in the Whateley Universe. This is also the second story about the Imp, with the first being The Art of Being the Imp. I plan on posting the new updates to this site a week after each one is posted on the official Whateley site.
Part 1
New York, Friday May 11th, 2007
Three villains walk into a bar. That sounds like the start of a joke, but it was actually how my evening began.
The bar in question is the Black Mask, which caters almost exclusively to super villains, so the arrival of three more was barely worth noting. It was a nice place with a fairly relaxed atmosphere, a great liquor selection, and several back rooms where people could conduct business in private. The Black Mask wasn’t a dive bar like Superbad, but neither was it an exclusive club full of snobs like Moriarty’s. In fact, it was a comfortable median, or as Goldilocks might say…just right.
Of course, any place that that catered to professional criminals, especially ones who had advanced technology or special powers, also had to deal with their unique privacy and security concerns. The most notable security feature was the front door, which at first glance, looked like an ordinary wooden door with a sign that had a black domino mask painted on it. However, the place where the door opened up to moved from one week to the next, over a several block area. Today, I’d come here through a door located in an alley behind a Starbucks, but last week, that same door had been located a block away. This helped to keep unwanted pests, such as nosy heroes and the MCO, away from the business.
I was currently sitting at the main bar with a beer in hand when I gestured to Carl, the bartender. “I’ll take a flying monkey butt.“
“Right away,” Carl responded, not even blinking at the name of the drink I’d just made up off the top of my head. Carl and I had a bit of a game, where every time I came in, I’d pull some random drink name out of my butt and order it. He always accepted this as perfectly normal, and never hesitated to make something appropriate for me. I was pretty sure he actually enjoyed the opportunity to experiment and invent new drinks for me, and a few of them have even ended up on the specialty drink menu.
Without a word, Carl placed the finished drink in front of me and waited for my response. I took a sip, not having the faintest idea of what he’d put in it until then. I tasted some rum and banana liqueur, but wasn’t sure what else he’d added. I gave him a nod of approval and he quickly went to the next customer.
Then I turned my attention back to the three newcomers, two of whom I actually knew. The tall, statuesque redhead in the red and white spandex costume was walking straight towards me, while the two men followed close behind her.
“Imp,” the redhead greeted me with a friendly smile.
“Hey, Pinball,” I responded with a grin. “Long time no see.”
Pinball and I had worked together a couple times before, and in spite of our vastly different methods, we actually got along pretty well…mostly due to the fact that she actually had a sense of humor and seemed to appreciate mine. In our line of work, a good sense of humor was often a hard virtue to find.
The last time I’d seen Pinball had been almost two years ago, after we’d just done a job in Vegas. Once the job was over, the two of us had gone out to a strip club in order to celebrate. Of course, I’d gone to see the well-endowed men while she’d been more interested in well-endowed women, but we’d still had a great time.
“You know the Highwayman,” Pinball said, gesturing to one of the men behind her.
The Highwayman was dressed in his usual costume of a long white overcoat with a raised collar that obscured most of his lower face. Between that and the white tricorne hat, they helped to obscure his features enough so that he didn’t really need a mask. The Highwayman was just that…a highway robber and mercenary who specialized in going after moving targets. And in addition to that, he was also a gadgeteer with a real talent for vehicles.
“Milady,” the Highwayman greeted me, removing his hat and giving me a bow. I grinned at that, almost having forgotten that was such a charmer.
“Good sir,” I responded with a grin, hopping off my bar stool and giving a curtsy, which he seemed to find amusing.
“So,” the Highwayman asked me. “How is your motorcycle working?”
He was referring to a motorcycle that he’d custom built for me a couple years ago, one that I’d paid a great deal for but which was probably twenty years ahead of the market. I grinned at that as I answered, “It runs great.” Then I hesitated a moment before admitting, “But it was sitting for a year and could probably use a tune up.”
“Then I shall endeavor to satisfy your needs,” he responded. “When time permits, of course.”
“Of course,” I agreed.
I turned my attention to the other man who’d come in with Pinball, one whom I’d never seen before. He was only an inch or two taller than my height of 5 foot 7, but he was pretty stocky, with a solid seeming build. His dark hair was cut short, and he had a well-trimmed beard. And though the stranger was dressed in civilian clothes, the hard look in his eyes gave clear warning that he was dangerous.
“This is Mauler,” Pinball introduced him.
“Hiya,” I greeted Mauler with a somewhat vapid grin as I shook his hand. “I’m Imp.”
This was the first time I’d ever met Mauler, but after Pinball had contacted me in order to set up this meeting, I’d done a little research. Mauler was a power armor jockey, and from what I’d been able to find out, he used to be a member of the Knights of Purity before he handed in his resignation and became a freelance mercenary. And by handing in his resignation, I meant that he stole a cache of weapons and armor that they’d just ‘confiscated’ from some devisor, which meant that the KoP really wanted to get their hands on him.
After this brief introduction, the four of us made our way to one of the back rooms where we sat down and began a nice game of poker, which was the equivalent of making small talk and getting to know each other before we worked our way up to discussing business. I was already familiar with how Pinball and Highwayman operated, but this was an opportunity for Mauler and me to feel each other out.
I kept a grin on my face and cheerfully hummed to myself as we played, earning looks of disgust and annoyance from Mauler. Finally, I looked at my hand, slapped down my cards and proudly exclaimed, “Go fish.”
“We’re playing poker,” Mauler snapped at me.
“Oh,” I responded, giving my best look of wide-eyed-innocence, which wasn’t really very easy to pull off with my devilish good looks. “Sorry.”
Pinball was watching me with a faint smile, obviously realizing what I was up to. Highwayman’s costume obscured his face, making it difficult to make out his expression, which I considered to be quite unfair while playing poker, but I was pretty sure that he knew what I was up to as well. Mauler however, just seemed irritated by my antics, just as I intended. It was much easier to read people’s tells when they were off balance like this.
After another couple minutes, I jumped up and blurted out, “Yahtzee…!”
Mauler glared at me with a look of pure contempt before he snarled at Pinball, “Your friend is a fucking idiot…”
I saw that I might have misjudged Mauler, because he was reaching the limits of his patience and was about to just write me off and walk out of here. I wouldn’t really have minded, but I was still curious about why Pinball had arranged this meeting.
Pinball calmly told Mauler, “You said that you needed a cat burglar, and Imp is the best you’re going to find in this area of the country…at least on such short notice.”
“Ah, the fair lady once snuck into the headquarters of the Empire City Guard,” Highwayman added in a casual tone as he looked over his cards. “I believe she put super glue on their toilet seats…”
I grinned evilly at that and announced, “Now that was a great April Fools Day.” I chuckled wickedly at the memory before adding, “Captain Quantum still hasn’t forgiven me for that one. Talk about no sense of humor.”
Mauler stared at me with a look of surprise, and even a hint of respect. After all, the Empire City Guard was one of the oldest and most respected groups of heroes, and they were well known for having built up some great security for their headquarters. Of course, I didn’t point out that Mimeo had charged into their headquarters and had torn through their defenses a couple days before, and I’d just taken advantage of the opportunity to sneak in before they’d gotten their security back up. In my line of work, patience and timing were critical.
“Oh, by the way,” I said, giving an evil grin as I spread my cards out on the table. “I believe a full house wins me the pot…”
Mauler stared at me with another look of surprise before his eyes narrowed as he realized that I’d been playing him. “Indeed it does,” he responded coldly.
“I have two questions to start with,” I said, letting my tone go serious. “What is this job and why should I help?”
Mauler was silent for a moment, giving me a dirty look but not saying anything. Then he finally asked, “Have you ever heard of Sartek?”
“Should I have?” I asked.
It was Highwayman who answered, “Sartek is a company that supplies raw materials and high tech components…so they are quite popular among those in the gadgeteering and devising professions.”
“And though they don’t advertise it,” Mauler continued, “they also do a side business with certain law enforcement agencies, safely destroying confiscated devises for them in exchange for keeping some of the raw materials.” He paused at that, smirking faintly as he continued, “Some of these raw materials can be quite rare and expensive, so they make a nice profit turning around and selling them. Our target is some of these raw materials…specifically…a supply of ebidium that they have stored in a secure location.”
“Ebidium?” I asked curiously.
“A rare alloy,” Highwayman answered. “Very hard, extremely dense, and it has some unusual properties that make it make it quite valuable.”
“How valuable?” I asked. I could accurately appraise the monetary value of most artwork, but when it came to rare metals, I was a lot less certain.
Highwayman chuckled. “Ounce for ounce, it’s worth just a little more than gold.”
I nodded at that. “And how much are we talking about?”
“A quarter ton worth,” Mauler responded with calculating smile.
My eyes lit up at that since a quarter ton of gold would be quite a nice haul, and if this stuff had the same kind of value… Normally, I focused on stealing art since I could practice my profession and my passion at the same time, but this was definitely making my greedy side perk up a little.
After a few seconds of consideration, I asked, “Do you have a buyer lined up?” I wasn’t used to dealing with ebidium, so I wondered just how difficult it would be to move.
“I have a buyer lined up,” Mauler told me, then admitted. “Anonymous. But the White Lady is acting as the go-between…for a percentage off the top.”
I nodded as I considered that. Having a buyer lined up ahead of time added certain complications, but also provided a level of security since it meant that you didn’t need to take the risk of holding onto the goods any longer than necessary. I never liked dealing with anonymous buyers, because in my experience, they often thought that their anonymity meant they could screw you over without consequence. However, if the White Lady was acting as a go-between, then that also added some legitimacy.
Though I’d never met the White Lady, I had dealt with her…indirectly. She was an old school criminal, the kind who ran a crime family and had her fingers in a lot of pies, but who was never actually seen doing anything illegal. From what I’d heard, the White Lady had done the costumed villain thing back in the 30’s or 40’s, and she’d even fought the original Champion a few times, but she’d been a lot more careful since then. It said something about the woman, that she’d been able to operate right under the noses of the Chicago Crusaders and the Windy City Guardians for decades, but they didn’t have enough evidence to even lay so much as a finger on her.
“We have a limited window of opportunity for the ebidium,” Mauler explained. “At the moment, Sartek’s entire supply is in one place, but in one week, they’re going to split it up and send it to a half dozen different buyers and storage locations.”
I absently tapped my nails on the table as I considered this, already having mixed feelings about this job. On one hand, it sounded like it had the potential to be very good for my bank account, but on the other hand, it wasn’t my usual kind of job. And of course, a week wasn’t long enough to research and plan a proper heist.
I looked at Pinball and Mauler, both of whom were more the ‘break the door down’ rather than the ‘sneak in and out’ type. “This sounds like you’re planning a smash and grab. That isn’t really my thing.”
Just as I was starting to get up to leave, Pinball said, “Wait… Mauler hasn’t gotten to your part.”
“Oooh,” I exclaimed, rubbing my hands together in a greedy fashion. “You need my help spending the money? I’m really good at that…”
Mauler snorted, giving me another glare and probably wondering how difficult it would be to find another sneak thief on such short notice. “I’ve been planning this job for weeks,” he said gruffly, picking up his beer and taking a long drink. “Then at the last minute, the White Lady demanded we throw in a bonus.”
“It seems the lady requires a small token of our esteem,” Highwayman mused. “A modest gift, which she will pay rather well for.”
“Sartek has a certain computer chip stored in the same facility as the ebidium,” Mauler explained.
“On the other side,” Pinball added with a sigh, taking a long drink from her beer, which she emptied in a single gulp. “We won’t have the time to grab the ebidium and force our way through to the other side of the building.”
“So you want to do a two prong operation,” I stated with a nod of understanding. “You guys go for the ebidium and kick up a bit of noise, while I use the distraction to slip in and grab the chip.”
“Exactly,” Mauler agreed.
I considered what I’d been told for a moment before asking, “Where is this facility at? Or more accurately, are there any local heroes who are likely to show up?”
There was a moment of hesitation before Mauler admitted, “The Shielders.”
“Jersey,” I said with the same snort of disdain that any good New Yorker would give.
I’d never run into the Shielders, but I made a point of being familiar with all the super groups on this side of the country, and any of the nosey buttinskis who might interfere with one of my jobs. The Shielders were based out of New Jersey, and they didn’t operate like most hero groups I’d heard of. In fact, they were a bit more like a private security company…with powers. They billed themselves as ‘heroes for hire’ and had contracts with various businesses and cities…including Atlantic City. If any of their clients were faced with superhuman or paranormal threats, the Shielders would come running to protect them. And ironically enough, since their clients actually had the Shielders on retainer and were paying them, they actually seemed to trust these mercenary heroes more than the free ones.
“At least we won’t have to deal with the Liberty League,” Pinball commented with a shrug. When we all looked to her, she just shrugged again and responded, “Those guys are like hemorrhoids…a real pain in my ass.”
“Oooh,” I exclaimed, turning to Pinball with an eager grin. “My Imp senses detect a story… Personal issues?”
Pinball gave me an amused look, then admitted, “Only with one of them…”
“Archenemy time,” I announced with an even bigger grin. “Do tell…”
“Ladies,” Highwayman said, reminding me that we’d been in the middle of business before we’d become distracted. “I believe we were discussing the job…”
I let out a sigh and made a show of rolling my eyes. “You owe me a story,” I told Pinball, before turning my attention back to Mauler. “If we’re going to risk dealing with the Shielders, we’ll need someone who can deal with magic. They’ve got a finger wiggler on their team.”
“Northern New Jersey is the Witch Queen’s territory,” Highwayman pointed out, apparently thinking that we’d be able to recruit her to help with the magic angle.
I shook my head. “This isn’t Witchie Poo’s kind of operation, so I doubt she’ll get involved in either side…unless we mess with one of her covens.”
“So, are you in?” Mauler asked me with an intense look.
I hesitated a moment, wondering if I really wanted to get involved in this job. There were a number of reasons why I should pass it up, but at the same time, I’d been out of the game for awhile. After a year-long sabbatical and that thing with Hexagoner last month, it would be good for me to do a nice simple job that was about nothing but the money.
“Tell me more,” I answered.
However, Pinball abruptly stood up and announced, “Before we get in this too deep…I need to grab some food.” She gave an apologetic look before explaining, “Energizer metabolism.”
As Pinball left the back room to order a snack, I went with her, calling out, “Hey Carl… Give me a big flaming cock…”
Nearly every customer in the bar turned to stare at me in surprise, but Carl reacted the same as if I’d just asked him about the weather, and casually responded, “On the rocks, or without?”
“Go ahead and put ice in the glass,” I responded with a smirk. “I like to get the rocks off myself…” That time, he actually chuckled.
Just then, someone called out, “Hey babe, I can give you a real flaming cock…” I looked to the speaker, who was a customer in a red and yellow costume. He stared at me with a smirk, holding out his hand and having a ball of fire appear in his palm.
“Sorry for the misunderstanding,” I said in my best sweet and polite voice. “But I wasn’t referring to the clap…” That got several of the other villains present to start laughing at him, much to his obvious embarrassment.
A few minutes later, Pinball and I sat back down at the poker table to continue our discussion. She now had a plate that contained a steak, two hamburgers, and a large pile of fries. All I had was a new beer, and a strong drink that seemed to contain jalapeno flavored vodka, among some other things.
For the next two hours, the four of us played poker while we discussed the job, talking about such things as how we would enter the facility, our exit plan, and of course, critical details such as what my cut would be. And once we were done with the planning, at least for the moment, we turned all our attention to the twin tasks of playing poker and drinking.
It was in the early hours of the morning when the four of us finally decided that we’d had enough and that it was time to leave. Pinball and I were arm in arm as we left the Black Mask together, cheerfully singing, “What do you do with a drunken villain? What do you do with a drunken villain? What do you do with a drunken villain earl-eye in the morning…?” Of course, we both had regeneration so neither of us was actually drunk, but we were having way too much fun to worry about a little detail like that.
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New York, Sunday May 13th, 2007
Every super villain must have a secret lair where they can safely plot their evil deeds. It clearly says so in chapter four of the villain handbook, right between the chapters on monologing and building easily escaped death traps. I was currently entrenched deep in the bowels of my Imp Lair, or as I preferred to call it…my condo.
I was sitting down at my desk with a glass of wine in my hand as I looked over the pile of photos, reports, and other bits of information related to Sartek and the upcoming job. Much of this information had been provided by Mauler, but I hadn’t become the successful professional I am today by taking things for granted. So far, most of my own research matched what he’d given me, and the few details that didn’t were pretty minor. All in all, I had enough information to work with.
Mauler had already set up a plan for us all to get past the initial physical security and into the facility, but from there, I’d be on my own. Fortunately, I’d already figured out a way for a clever and talented Imp to get her hands on the computer chip, which was the entire reason I’d been brought on board. And even more importantly, I’d identified several likely exit routes. After all, what good was being able to steal the chip if I couldn’t get away with it afterwards?
I leaned back and finished off my glass of wine, then decided it was time to take a break. I’d already finished all my planning, though I’d still look everything over again before the job. In spite of my reputation for being reckless and impulsive, I actually took my work very seriously. But for now, there was nothing more to do.
As I looked over the mess on my desk, I mused that once this job was done and over with, maybe I’d arrange a trip and go visit the Louvre. And maybe, if I was feeling particularly inspired, I might even come home with an especially nice souvenir.
“I’ve always wanted to steal something from the Louvre,” I mused to myself with a faint smile. For an art thief, that was the equivalent of being able to say you’d played at Carnegie Hall or got a lead role on Broadway.”
A moment later, I stood up and began to stretch. I even snapped my tail back and forth a few times for good measure to make sure it got stretched out as well. There was very little as uncomfortable as a kink in the tail, except perhaps for sitting on it wrong.
I went over to turn on my stereo, and as soon as the soothing sounds of N’Sync filled the room, I began to dance, shaking my booty and my tail along with it. After a refill on my wine and another minute of just dancing to the beat, I finally made my way to the back room that served as my art studio.
My studio was set up with a cabinet and set of shelves against the far wall, containing most of the supplies I used for painting. There were several painting easels set up around the room, all of which contained paintings of different levels of completion. The first one my eyes went to was nearly completed replica of a little something from Margaret Keane. It was a damn good forgery and would come in really useful when it came time to switch it out for the original. However, my real interest wasn’t in this forgery, but in the painting beside it, one that was one of my own original pieces. When it was finished it, I’d sign it with the name Candice Kade, and no one besides myself would ever know it had been painted by the infamous art thief known as the Imp.
As a professional thief, I was justifiably proud of my skills and accomplishments, but my real passion was art. And as exciting as it was to sneak past impregnable security and steal a beautiful masterpiece, that still didn’t match the sense of satisfaction I received when someone sincerely complimented an original piece that I myself had created. It was that special kind of warm fuzzy that came from pulling off the perfect heist or having really great sex.
After putting on a smock to keep paint off my clothes, I went to work. After all, my muse was calling and it was time to answer. Though I was no longer dancing, I continued to hum and sing along as I painted, losing myself in both the music and the dictates of my muse.
I had been painting for nearly an hour and was in the middle of dabbing on some blue paint while singing along with Christina Aguilera, when I heard the phone start ringing from the next room. With a muttered curse, I put down my brush and paints and hurried to go see who it was. Considering the fact that I had a big job coming up, it wouldn’t be a good idea to ignore the phone. But to my surprise, it wasn’t my Imp phone that was ringing, but the one I had dedicated to Candice Kade business.
“Hello, David,” I answered the phone, recognizing the number on my caller ID as belonging to David Herman, the manager of the art gallery I did business with, and who currently had a couple of my paintings on commission. I kind of liked the guy, but I doubted that he’d return the feeling if he had any idea of who I really was. After all, art gallery managers usually weren’t big fans of art thieves…especially ones who’d robbed them before. I grinned, letting my tail swish back and forth as I said, “Let me guess, you sold Reflected Secret for me…”
“Um…not exactly,” David responded from the other end, not sounding happy.
Warning bells went off in my head, so I asked, “What’s wrong?”
“We had a robbery,” David blurted out, obviously trying to be professional, but from the tone of his voice, he sounded as though he was barely holding it together. “Someone broke in and stole several paintings from the gallery…including one of yours…”
“What?” I gasped, feeling stunned at that. I blinked several times, sure that this had to be some kind of joke. “Which one?”
There was a pause, one which told me exactly which painting had been taken. Reflected Secret was one I was quite proud of, and the one I was asking the most for. A few seconds later, David confirmed my guess, quickly adding, “I’m so sorry… I assure you, our insurance will take care of it…”
I talked to David for another half minute, then hung up the phone. For a moment, I just stood there, not sure of what to think about this. Then I burst out laughing at the irony of it, a professional art thief getting robbed of her painting. This had to be some kind of weird karma thing.
“So this is what it feels like,” I said with a shake of my head.
I could have just shrugged it off, then sat and let the police handle the matter, but there were a couple problems with that. First, I didn’t trust the police to find their butts on a toilet, and secondly, I was curious. If nothing else, I wanted a look at the crime scene so I could get a feel for who the thieves were and how they operated. After all, if I got robbed by some sloppy amateur, I was really going to be upset.
After a quick change of clothes, I picked my magic medallion off the desk where I kept it when I was at home. This little piece of jewelry might not look especially fancy, but it was actually the most valuable thing I owned…except perhaps for an art piece or two that had been created by masters. After all, it was the medallion that made my identity as Candice Kade possible, and which allowed me the opportunity to pursue this secondary career as an actual artist and not just a thief.
I went and stood in front of the mirror, stopping and striking a bit of a pose. I had to admit that with my devilish good looks, I struck quite a figure. Sure, the brunette hair going down almost to the middle of my back was nice, but that wasn’t one of my more striking features. Those would include my long black tail, with the barbed, flat triangular tip that earned it the description of being a ‘devil’s tail’, and of course, the short black horns that grew out of my forehead. I had some other odd features as well, such as my yellow eyes, pointed ears, black clawlike nails, and the small black scales that covered my forehead and cheeks, though my horns and tail were definitely the most noticeable. But if you were able to somehow overlook all these oddities, I probably would have been called fairly attractive.
“Good-bye gorgeous,” I announced as I slipped the medallion over my head, activating the magic that would cover me in an illusion and hide my odd features. “Hello boring.”
With that, I turned away from the mirror and started on my way. It was pretty late out, so I actually considered taking my car, though I quickly discounted it. I was never comfortable inside a car, and this situation wasn’t urgent enough to demand I put myself through that discomfort. Of course, there was my motorcycle, but I reserved that for Imp business instead of Candice business. Even at this late hour, public transportation would work just fine.
When I finally arrived at the gallery, I was annoyed though not surprised to find the cops there, keeping anyone from going inside. I would just have to wait for the cops to leave before I went in for a look, which meant that there would be more time for the cops to screw things up. Then I grinned and twitched my tail back and forth as I considered sneaking past the cops and checking the place out while they were still there. It would be a bit more risky, but it kind of appealed to me as well.
Just then, David came out the front door, talking to some detective. He saw me standing a short distance away and called out, “Candice? What are you doing here?”
“You know her?” the detective asked David.
“Yes,” David quickly responded. “This is Candice Kade…one of our artists. I’d called her a short time ago to let her know that one of her paintings was stolen.”
“I just had to see for myself,” I said, trying to look completely shocked and broken up over the robbery.
The detective let out a snort and rolled his eyes. “Why not? We’ve already got someone else doing the same thing…” With that, David and the detective led me into the gallery, which had half a dozen cops looking things over, then stopped in a large open area that was well back from any of the actual paintings or cops. “Now, stay back here so you don’t get in the way.”
“Thank you,” I said, trying not to grin at how easy that had been. Then again, that may have gotten me into the gallery, but had also gotten me noticed so I couldn’t go looking around like I wanted. I’d outsmarted myself this time.
A man was already standing in the open area where I’d been left, one who was rather handsome as well as familiar looking. It took me a moment to place him, but I smiled when I did. This was Ryan Chambers, a man who’d once complimented one of my paintings. A lady doesn’t forget something like that.
“Ms. Kade,” Ryan greeted me with a forced smile. “I suspect you’re here for the same reason I am.”
“You’re here trick-or-treating too?” I asked with a grin, earning a chuckle in response.
“No,” Ryan assured me. “The thieves stole several of my paintings.”
I gave Ryan a curious look, feeling a little surprised by his answer. “I didn’t know you were an artist.”
He shrugged, responding, “I’m not. I’m a buyer.” Then, as if I didn’t know what a buyer was, he explained, “My clients hire me to buy artwork for them. I’d purchased several paintings for one client’s lobby, but the gallery hadn’t delivered them yet before this happened.” He shook his head and let out a sigh. “Fortunately, I have a friend in the police department who arranged for me to be let in…just as long as I stay back and don’t interfere.”
I nodded at that, looking over the gallery and spotting several blank spaces along the walls where I knew the paintings had been. My eyes went to the spot where Reflected Secret had been, but which was now empty as well. I felt vaguely annoyed at that.
“That reminds me,” Ryan mused. “I had been planning to contact you soon about getting one of your pieces for a client’s office…” Then he paused before apologizing. “Sorry, I know this isn’t a good time.”
I absently nodded at that since most of my attention was focused on the missing paintings. I tried to picture what had been in each of those spaces, wanting to create a mental list of what had been taken in case there was a pattern. Of course, once the police were finished, I’d have to get a copy of the police report…and do a thorough search of all the potential points of entry. I’d cased this gallery quite well and knew exactly where each of them was.
“Have you heard the police say anything about possible suspects?” I asked curiously.
Ryan gave me a wry smile before answering, “You could say that.”
Ryan gestured for me to follow as he walked a short distance, then he stopped and gestured to a wall, one I hadn’t seen from where I’d been standing previously. The blank section of wall had been vandalized and a picture had been drawn on it in black, a picture that looked like a circle with a pair of horns on the top and a squiggly devil’s tail coming out of the bottom. My mouth dropped open at the sight and I blurted out, “You’ve got to be kidding me…” That was MY logo.
“It seems the thief signed her work,” Ryan pointed out wryly.
All I could do was stare at the wall in stunned silence. If I’d thought the idea of someone stealing art from me was ironic, being framed as the one doing it was a hell of a lot more so. For the last month, someone had been going around town, spray painting my logo on various walls as graffiti, and because of this, at least one gang thought I was trying to move in on their territory. But now, someone had actually pulled off an art theft and blamed me for it…framing me for robbing myself. For one of the few times in my life, I was not amused.
I was annoyed that Reflected Secret had been stolen, but I certainly didn’t take it personally. That was just the way the game was played. In fact, I actually took it as a compliment since the thief thought my painting was good enough to be worth stealing. However, the thief had used MY logo…had framed ME for it. Now that was something I took personally and wasn’t about to let stand.
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New Jersey, Thursday May 17th, 2007
It was in the early hours of the morning, but instead of being at home in bed, I was hanging around a warehouse in New Jersey, playing cards with a group of people who almost looked like they were on their way to a costume party. Most people probably would have thought the whole situation was weird, but in my line of work, there wasn’t anything about this that was really unusual.
I was currently dressed up in my work uniform, a sleek and sexy red and black catsuit that hugged my body like an amorous lover. Around my waist, I wore a belt with a few pouches containing my various tricks and tools of the trade. My utility belt might take away from the sleek lines of my costume, but like my credit card, I don’t leave home without it.
Pinball sat across from me, dressed up in her red costume with the white trim. She looked at the cards in her hand and then absently took a drink from the large mug of coffee that was sitting in front of her. Her coffee was actually straight espresso, which made the whole thing strong enough that most people would explode from caffeine overdose after drinking the whole cup. However, Pinball was a regenerator which meant that the caffeine had to be extremely potent if it was going to have any effect on her at all.
Mauler was dressed in a black jumpsuit instead of a real costume. Of course, his ‘costume’ was actually the 8 foot tall suit of black power armor that was standing motionless a short distance away. I had no doubt that he could get into the thing pretty fast when he needed to, but for the moment, he was trying not to drain the power. After all, everyone knew that when it came to fuel efficiency, power armor was like an SUV on steroids.
A boy in a green and white costume was sitting at the table with us, a fresh faced kid who couldn’t have been much more than eighteen. Monkeywrench was a rookie, and I was pretty sure that this was actually his first professional job. I hated working with rookies and amateurs, but Mauler had brought him in without warning, springing him on us less than an hour ago. From what I understood, the kid was some kind of dynahost or avatar with a gremlin spirit, able to screw up machinery, which would make him useful for dealing with security.
Monkeywrench gave me a nervous glance then quickly looked away. The kid was a bit scared of me, obviously due to my appearance since my reputation wasn’t that fearsome. This both amused and annoyed me, and if it wasn’t for the fact that we were on the job, I probably would have taken advantage of the opportunity to mess with him.
The last person present was Hexfire, who was an exotic looking woman with grey skin, black hair, and glowing green eyes. She was wearing a black costume that included a green cloak. Mauler had brought Hexfire in after our planning session at the Black Mask, following my advice to bring in some magical firepower. I wasn’t very fond of magic, but I figured that if we ran into any kind of magical security or interference, it would be nice to have a finger wiggler of our own on hand.
Hexfire was standing back away from the table, watching our card game with silent disdain. Hexfire was like most of the magic types I knew, and they were almost always arrogant and full of themselves, acting as though knowing magic somehow made them superior to everyone who didn’t. Of course, most of the mad scientist types I knew were almost exactly the same.
“I did not agree to this venture in order to merely stand witness to games,” Hexfire finally said, obviously impatient over how long we’d been waiting.
“No,” Mauler responded with a scowl. “You joined us for a share of the take…just like everyone here.”
“I have little interest in material gain,” Hexfire stated, sounding almost offended by Mauler’s words, “save what can afford me the resources I require to advance in my craft.”
“After this job, you’ll be able to afford a lot of resources,” Pinball assured her. “None of us likes having to wait, but it is necessary.”
“I don’t know,” Monkeywrench said with grin, giving Pinball an appreciative look. “I don’t mind waiting here at all.”
I smirked at that, feeling tempted to tell the rookie that Pinball was way out of his league. And not only that, but she also had no interest in anyone of the male gender. In fact, I suspected that I could have a lot of fun watching him make a fool of himself, chasing after her when he didn’t have any chance at all. Then I chuckled to myself, deciding that I could have even more fun with this if I pulled the kid aside and encouraged him to go for it.
Just then, Mauler got a call on his cell phone, and when the ten second call was over, he stated, “It looks like we won’t have to wait much longer. He’s here.” And with that, Mauler got up and went to climb into his power armor.
A minute later, Highwayman arrived, driving a large armored car into the warehouse. When he climbed out of the vehicle, I stared at him for a few seconds since instead of wearing his normal costume, he was wearing a Sartek uniform. Highwayman was lean and athletic, with dark brown hair and the kind of unassuming looks that would have let him vanish into a crowd without anyone noticing him.
“What did you do with the drivers?” Pinball asked in a casual tone that hid the edge behind it. I knew exactly what Pinball was really asking, because like me, she didn’t like the idea of anyone getting hurt or killed when she pulled a job.
“Oh, those fellas?” Highwayman responded with a grin, speaking with a faint southern twang that was normally absent. “They’re a bit tied up right now so I figured I’d help them out.”
“Where there any problems?” Mauler asked from his power armor, which made him look MUCH more intimidating.
“Neither problem nor challenge,” Highwayman answered, dropping the accent and speaking in his normal tone. “I’ve overridden the black box and GPS units, so if any of their people are watching, they’ll merely see the vehicle stopped in traffic about a mile away.” Then he bowed and gestured towards the back of the vehicle. “Ladies first.”
“Such a gentleman,” I exclaimed, making a show of stopping to curtsy, which made Pinball start chuckling.
“I always endeavor to be one,” Highwayman said pleasantly as he went and held the door open for us.
Pinball and Hexfire went into the back right away, though Hexfire had a sour look on her face. I stood back and watched in amusement as Mauler tried getting in, which wasn’t nearly as easy. His bulky power armor took up a lot of space, even with him crouched down onto his knees.
“You’re next Monkeybutt,” I cheerfully told the rookie, who gave me a dirty look. I was pretty sure he was going to call me on the nickname, but then he decided against it. That was too bad, because if he was worried about offending me, he probably wouldn’t make it in the business.
Monkeybutt got in along with everyone else, and when I started to close the door, he blurted out, “Aren’t you coming back here too?”
“Nope,” I responded with a grin, waving my tail back and forth. “I called shotgun.”
The kid’s eyes went wide at that, probably due to the fact that we were attempting to sneak into Sartek through the back loading docks. With my devilish good looks, I tended to stand out and be quite noticeable, which might conceivably work against the whole sneaking in thing. I just gave Monkeybutt my best innocent look as I closed the door, locking him and the rest of my compatriots inside.
“Don’t hit any pot holes,” I told Highwayman with a grin as I scrambled up onto the top of the armored car. “I don’t want to get stoned.”
“I’ll attempt to make your ride as smooth as possible,” Highwayman promised me with a chuckle as he started back towards the front of the truck. “I’ll see you at the rendezvous.”
Once I was on top of the armored car, I laid down and then spread myself flat. As soon as I was fairly comfortable, I activated my PK aura, clinging to the surface the same way I did when I used my power to climb walls. For all practical purposes, I was effectively glued to the metal until I decided to let go. After that, I altered the appearance of my aura so that I blended into my environment better than any chameleon, becoming invisible as long as I didn’t move.
Highwayman pulled the armored car out of the warehouse and we were on our way. This wasn’t the first time I’d traveled on a moving vehicle by catching a ride on top, though it was one of the few times that the driver actually knew I was there. For most people, the idea of riding on top of a moving vehicle would be considered insane, but for me, I found it rather refreshing. It might be a bit uncomfortable, but I was still happier than I would have been trapped in the back with everyone else. I shuddered at the thought of being stuck in such a confined space.
While I waited for us to arrive at our destination, I mentally went over all the details for this heist, though my thoughts wandered and I found myself thinking about the theft at the art gallery a few days ago instead. To my surprise, the cops had actually found all the stolen paintings much faster than I ever would have imagined possible. In fact, they found the paintings just ten minutes after I’d arrived at the gallery…safely tucked away in David’s office. The paintings hadn’t even left the building. And what was just as surprising was the fact that it turned out my logo had been drawn on the wall in dry erase marker, and had wiped right off. It seemed that the robbery had just been some kind of practical joke, though I still had no idea if the perpetrator was targeting the Imp, Candice Kade, David, or someone else entirely.
There had been a lot of odd things about the gallery heist, and not just the fact that it hadn’t been a real heist at all. The police hadn’t been able to find any indications of how the prankster had gotten in or out, nor had the surveillance video shown anything. After the police had left, I’d done a little snooping of my own, and I hadn’t found how they’d gotten in or out either. Whoever had played that little joke was either very good, or they had some kind of paranormal ability to help them out.
I was still thinking about the gallery heist when we finally arrived at Sartek’s facility. There was a large fence around the entire property, which would be a bit harder to get over than a single glance would suggest. Sartek did a lot of work with gadgeteers and devisors, so they had some of the best security equipment available. Fortunately, we didn’t need to worry about the fence that was both electrified and lined with force field generators that would kick in if anything was breached. Instead, we went through the front gate, stopping to give the guards a bunch of forged paperwork and then being waved through.
I was extremely careful not to move an inch since security cameras had been watching the armored car and were probably still locked on us. However, I did take advantage of the opportunity to look at the compound as we drove past it. Though it wasn’t immediately noticeable, the open field between the fence and the building itself actually had several automated gun turrets hidden beneath the surface, ready to pop and start shooting in case of an intrusion. Sartek took their security VERY seriously.
In spite of all the security so far, I had no doubt that my crew could have made it past the outer fence and the automated turrets, especially with Monkeybutt on our side. However, that would have taken time, which would have let Sartek lock down the building itself, making it almost completely impenetrable. And on top of that, trying to attack security head on would have immediately alerted the Shielders and any other capes in the vicinity. Our plan let us bypass those levels of security so we really only had to deal with the ones inside the building.
Once we reached the building and entered through the loading dock entrance, it was time for me to take my leave of the others. They had their own vault doors and such they needed to break through while I had a somewhat more subtle game to play. I grinned with excitement as I leapt from the roof of the truck and used my PK aura to cling to the ceiling. It only took me a few more seconds to find an opening into the ventilation system, then to let myself inside.
The air ducts were tight and enclosed, but that wasn’t much of a problem for me. I just used my aura to reduce my friction, making me like a greased pig so I could move through the shaft more easily.
“Like covering my whole body in KY jelly,” I joked as I slowly moved along. “And why do they have air ducts big enough for people to climb around through anyway?”
I hadn’t gone very far before I heard the explosions and sirens that announced the others had gone to work. We’d all snuck through the outer security together, but they were going to use force to bust through the rest of the way to the vault holding the ebidium while I used them as a distraction to continue sneaking the rest of the way. And if everything went according to plan, Monkeybutt’s powers would screw up the alarms and security systems enough to confuse things even more.
“Now, where was I before I was so rudely distracted,” I mused to myself.
As I continued creeping through the air ducts, I hummed the theme song from Mission Impossible, keeping myself amused. Of course, I was a professional and didn’t let that distract me while I was working. I ran into a couple grates that some inconsiderate jerk had placed in the ducts, and I had to cut through them with my PK claws. I also found some pressure sensors, to detect if anything was sneaking around up there. That seemed rather paranoid to me, but I used a little devisor goody to disable each of these sensors before they could go off and give me away.
It would have been convenient if the air ducts went right to the top secret secure vault where they were holding that computer chip, but I wasn’t so lucky. I used the vents to get pretty close, then I had to drop out and use the hallway. Fortunately, most of the doors were locked down due to the intrusion on the other side of the facility, and there weren’t people wandering the hallways. Still, I used my powers to hide myself from sight and moved slowly enough so that I didn’t break the effect. Eventually, I reached a vault door, a large thick one with all sorts of security features.
“Let’s see,” I mused as I looked over the door and the video camera that was locked on it. I could have taken out the video camera, but that might have given me away prematurely. This was definitely going to be a challenge, at least for my patience. “Nice and slow…”
I moved as slowly as I could, trusting my aura to keep me hidden…at least as long as I didn’t move faster than it could adapt to my movements. I pulled a small devise the size of a golf ball out a pouch on my utility pouch and placed it on the side of the door, right next to the DNA scanner. After a few seconds, the lock opened, just as if I’d actually been an authorized user. I was glad that it worked because it would have been really embarrassing if it hadn’t, not to mention frustrating since I’d spent a lot of money on that doodad.
Once I was past the vault door, there was a hallway I had to go through, one that still had security systems active in it. And unfortunately, there was no way to deactivate the security systems. They’d been designed to alert security anytime that ANYONE went through this hallway, authorized or not. There was even a security camera watching the hallway so they could see who tripped the sensors.
For a brief moment, I just stood there, looking down the hallway and wishing it was one of those ones with all the laser sensors set up. Those were always fun to get around, and I couldn’t help but silently chanting “How low can you go,” to myself. Then I shook it off, knowing that I had to focus.
The entire floor of the hallway was set up with pressure sensors, so if I stepped on the floor…or even so much as let a penny touch the floor…it would trigger. Similar sensors were all over the ceiling, which showed just how paranoid these people were. And then of course, there were the motion and thermal sensors which would catch any movement or body heat. These people REALLY took their security seriously.
This wasn’t the kind of job I normally liked to take, and there wasn’t some beautiful painting for me to ‘rescue’ at the end of it. However, I was glad I’d accepted this job, and not just for the nice paycheck it would give me. This was the kind of security that I didn’t get to deal with every day, and it was fun working my way through it.
With that, I jumped into action…very very VERY slowly. I moved at a pace that would have made a snail impatient, not wanting to risk what would happen if I moved even the tiniest bit too fast. My aura adapted to my surroundings, but when I moved quickly, it could take a second or two to catch up…creating a blur effect that left me somewhat visible. I had to continue going slowly enough that this didn’t happen, because if it did, not only would I be visible to the security cameras that were watching the hall…but I’d also trigger the motion detector.
When it came to the thermal sensors, my aura was the answer to that as well. As long as I concentrated, I could use my aura to insulate me from heat as well as light, so the thermal sensors wouldn’t see any difference between my body temperature and the rest of the room. However, that meant that I was using my stealth, my thermal shielding effect, and my wall climbing abilities at the same time. This took an immense amount of concentration to keep it all going at once.
Pressure sensors covered the floor and ceiling, but none of them were on the walls. I used the walls as my path, inching along and even crossing several doorways before I reached the other end of the hall and the door I wanted. Still clinging to the wall, I repeated what I’d done on the last doorway, using a very expensive little devise to unlock it so that I could slip inside.
The vault was barely larger than a closet, but it didn’t need to be any larger because the only thing it contained was a small black box that sat on a shelf. I carefully looked over the shelf and box, making sure there were no other alarms or nasty surprises. I even pulled out my magic marble to make sure there was no sign of magic before I opened the box. Inside the box was the computer chip I’d come for. It was about the size of a silver dollar, mostly black, and had a red crystal set in the middle of it. It looked exactly like the fake one that Mauler had given me to switch it out for.
“Let’s see,” I mused, reaching into a pouch and pulling out a small box of my own, one that had originally contained a pendant from a jewelry store. I opened it up and pulled out the replacement that I’d brought with. This wasn’t the fake computer chip that Mauler had given me, but a little something to add my own personal touch to this heist. The box contained a single potato chip that had made the journey undamaged. “A chip for a chip,” I said as I switched out the potato chip for the computer chip, smirking as I did so. “A fair exchange.”
Even as I did this, I knew it wasn’t really the smartest move. After all, if I left the decoy chip that Mauler had given me, it would take them a bit longer to realize exactly what I’d stolen, while the potato chip would not only give that away…but would give a hint about who’d done this. However, what was the point of beating such a security system if you couldn’t rub it in their noses a bit afterwards?
Then I turned my attention to leaving, and the other vault doors that I’d be passing on the way out. Considering the security, there had to be something valuable behind each of those other doors as well, though I had no idea what. I was curious and tempted to try taking a look, but that hadn’t been in the plan. I didn’t have time to go looking for extra goodies, so I focused on just getting out of here instead.
I slowly made my way out of the vault and hallway, going back the way I’d come in. It didn’t take me nearly as long to get out as it had to get in, and a short time later, I was outside the building. However, the moment I was in the open, I heard explosions, which told me that the rest of my team hadn’t escaped yet.
“Damn,” I muttered, making my way towards the noise.
While I’d been retrieving the chip, the others were supposed to just break through to the vault holding the ebidium, grab it, then get out as fast as they could. I was supposed to sneak out on my own and then meet up again with them afterwards. Unfortunately, it looked like the Shielders had arrived. We’d expected that might happen, which was the entire reason we’d added Hexfire to the crew.
When I was close enough to make out all the details of the fight, I dropped down and remained hidden, taking the opportunity to look everything over. Automated gun turrets had popped up from the ground, but none of them were firing at all. I suspected that Monkeybutt was behind that, proving that even as a rookie, he could still be useful. However, my crew still had to deal with the Shielders, and Monkeybutt couldn’t shut them down the same way.
My eyes went to Pinball, who was inside a giant force field bubble that resembled a soap bubble…or a hamster ball. She rolled across the ground, slamming into a costumed man and sending him flying. I watched in silence, immediately recognizing Pinball’s opponent as the Emerald Avenger.
The Emerald Avenger went for the ‘classic’ hero look, or as I referred to it, ‘the overblown cliché’ look. He had green spandex costume that included a cowl that covered his entire head, except for the lower half of his face. And if the bright green wasn’t bad enough, he also had dark green boots, gloves, a cape…and shorts on the outside of his spandex costume. Personally, I thought that his fashion consultant should be taken out and severely beaten.
It only took the Emerald Avenger a few seconds to recover from Pinball’s attack, due mostly to the glowing green force field that covered his body. He turned and fired a blast of green energy at Pinball, but it hit her force field bubble without actually harming her.
I turned my attention to Hexfire, who was busy dealing with her own opponent. Hexfire’s dance partner was Miss Magic, who was obviously the magic using member of the Shielders. She was an attractive woman with shoulder length auburn hair, and unfortunately, she was dressed in a blue sequined tuxedo which would have looked more appropriate for a Vegas show than a fight.
“What is it with these guys and their horrible costumes?” I asked with a shake of my head.
“I am pleased to find a fellow practitioner to test my powers against,” Hexfire announced, right before throwing a ball of green fire at Miss Magic.
Miss Magic waved her stick cane and suddenly the ball of fire vanished. “Then we’ll see if you’re still pleased when you’re behind bars.”
A short distance away, Mauler was busy fighting with his own opponent, a woman with short white hair and a violet costume that seemed to be comprised mostly of some kind of lightweight armor. The style of her armor actually looked familiar, though this was the first time I’d ever seen Brandywine in person. From what I’d read about her, she was a telekinetic and some kind of low level gadgeteer. I suspect that her being a gadgeteer of any level may have had some influence on why Mauler had recruited Monkeybutt for the mission.
At the moment, Brandywine was floating in the air, staying out of Mauler’s reach. He raised his arm and fired a pulse of energy at her from his arm cannon, but Brandywine tore one of the gun turrets out of the ground with her telekinesis and positioned it in the air between the two of them, using that as a shield. Mauler’s attack destroyed most of Brandywine’s makeshift shield, but she then flung the rest of it right at him, hitting him hard enough to knock him back. She followed that up by sending more debris flying in his direction.
The last two members of our crew, Highwayman and Monkeybutt, were fighting the last member of the Shielders. Polarstorm looked like an anthropomorphic polar bear, standing seven and a half feet tall and wearing a pair of pants and nothing else. His file suggested that he might be an avatar with an ice elemental or polar bear spirit, but the records weren’t sure.
Highwayman was back in his normal costume and had a high tech looking pistol in each hand, both of which he was firing at the hero. Flashes of light caught Polarstorm in the chest but didn’t seem to do anything besides pissing him off. Highwayman pulled out some kind of grenade and threw it, but Polarstorm let out a loud roar and a strange ripple came out along with it, causing the ground and everything else in front of him to become coated in ice, including the grenade which exploded in mid-air.
“I know that this is not your forte,” Highwayman told Monkeybutt, who stood back staring at the polar bear in fear, “but it would be nice if you found some way to make yourself useful.”
As I finished looking over the area, I shook my head in annoyance and muttered, “Shazbot.”
The plan had been for me to sneak out without anyone knowing, and then to meet up with everyone else again afterwards. Of course, the Shielders had no idea I was here yet, so I could still sneak away…however…that would mean leaving behind my team and the ebidium they’d come here for. And though I didn’t mind cutting my losses and getting out with just my tail intact, I wasn’t about to leave the others to get caught.
I immediately knew who I had to help. Highwayman and Monkeybutt might outnumber their opponent, but the two of them were doing far worse than any of the others. Monkeybutt would probably be great against a devisor or someone in power armor, but against someone like Polarstorm, he was pretty much useless. And unfortunately, Highwayman wasn’t doing much better.
With my decision made, I ran towards Polarstorm as quickly as I could. “He’s so FLUFFY,” I yelled out, right before I jumped on the hero’s back and clutched him tight. “I’m gonna love him and hug him and call him George…”
“What the hell?” Polarstorm demanded, trying to shake me loose.
“Imp,” Monkeybutt called out in surprise.
“I thank you for your timely assistance,” Highwayman said.
“Get off me,” Polarstorm snarled, so distracted by me that he was no longer paying attention to Highwayman or Monkeybutt, just like I’d intended.
“But you’re so soft and fuzzy,” I exclaimed.
“Alas, it seems you have a devil on your back,” Highwayman taunted Polarstorm as he pulled out some other kind of weapon and took aim. “Quite a lovely one though, I must admit…”
I grinned at that. “Flattery will get you everywhere…”
Polarstorm seemed to have had enough of me, because he called out, “Brandywine… I could use a little help here…”
Suddenly, I was yanked away from Polarstorm by invisible hands, only to find myself hovering in the air a short distance in front of Brandywine. I realized that she’d positioned me between herself and Mauler, and she was now using me as a human shield.
“So, you’re the Imp,” Brandywine said, giving me a curious look. “I’ve heard of you…”
“So, you’re named after two kinds of booze,” I teased her with a broad grin. “You must be a real alcoholic… You know, they have programs to help people like you… The first step is to admit that you have a problem...”
“I heard you never shut up,” Brandywine responded with a look of annoyance.
“There’s no need to project,” I continued cheerfully, not even bothering to struggle against her telekinetic hold on me. “Just accept that you are responsible for your own choices…and you can choose not to drink.”
While Brandywine was holding me up like this, she was also giving me the opportunity to look her over a little more closely. At this range, I was even more sure than before that I’d seen this armor style before, though it took me a few seconds before I realized where.
“Hey,” I exclaimed. “You and Chickenhawk have the same tailor… Does he wear your lingerie too? Oh, you might want to let your armor out a bit. It looks like it’s shrunk in the wash a bit. Too much booze I guess…”
Brandywine’s eyes narrowed as she stared at me. “My brother said you usually go after artwork…so why are you breaking into a place like Sartek?”
“A girl has bills to pay,” I responded with a cheerful grin. “And secret volcano lairs don’t come cheap.” Then I shrugged and added, “Besides, I wasn’t breaking in… I was breaking out.”
I was really starting to get on Brandywine’s nerves. It was a gift. She glared at me and demanded, “Why are you still smiling?”
“Because I know something you don’t know,” I responded in a sing-song tone that was really starting to piss her off.
I just smirked as I focused on my aura and concentrated on what I wanted it to do. Brandywine was holding me in place with her telekinesis, but a moment later, my aura jammed that hold…preventing her power from touching me at all. I suddenly slipped free from her grip, much to her obvious surprise. As soon as I hit the ground and rolled, Mauler was taking advantage of the opportunity to attack her again. Brandywine was so busy having to dodge out of the way and defend herself that there was nothing she could do as I slipped away.
Next, I turned my attention to Pinball, who’d gotten herself in trouble. The Emerald Avenger had trapped her force field bubble inside a glowing green force field bubble of his own, and was now holding her a foot off the ground where she had no traction to escape. He’d removed her from action in about the same way that Brandywine had thought she’d removed me.
“Here I come to save the day,” I sang out as I ran towards them. “Mighty Imp is on her way…”
“What…?” the Emerald Avenger gasped, starting to turn just as I reached him.
I grabbed the Emerald Avenger’s shorts and yanked up as hard as I could, yelling out, “SUPER WEDGIE!”
The Emerald Avenger howled in pain and dropped to the ground, losing his concentration and freeing Pinball. His force field vanished from around her, so she dropped her own force field bubble as well and gave me a thumbs up.
“Didn’t your mother ever teach you how to dress yourself?” I taunted the hero. “Underwear goes on the INSIDE.”
Pinball came over and looked at the hero with a chuckle. “He was really riding my ass until you showed up. You got here just in the crack of time…”
I grinned at that and was about to respond when I looked over and noticed that Hexfire was still holding her own against Miss Magic, but that the cute and fuzzy polar bear once again had Highwayman and Monkeybutt on the ropes. I rolled my eyes, then started running over to help them out again. I might not be one of the most powerful mutants around, but I’m sneaky, annoying, and great at providing a distraction.
I pulled out a four inch long metal throwing spike and was just about to use it when Polarstorm snapped around and let out a roar, sending a wave of cold in my direction. The ground in front of me frosted over and became coated with ice, and to my frustration, I’d been running too fast and my feet shot out from beneath me. I hit the ground hard and quickly scrambled to get back to my feet. Unfortunately, the hero moved faster than I ever would have imagined possible for someone of his size, and he lunged at me. I had nearly slipped away from him, but then I felt his large hang grab hold of my tail. Then I felt a sharp pain all through my tail and lower spine as he not only yanked my tail, but used it to lift me up off the ground.
I screamed in pain while the supposed hero just laughed and announced, “I don’t think the ugly bitch likes this…”
If I’d been thinking clearly and had been able to focus, I could have used my aura to protect my tail and escape, but I was in too much agony for that. All I could do was flail around in a panic, desperate to get free.
“Release the lady,” Highwayman yelled, charging forward and shooting Polarstorm nearly point blank. “Stand and deliver.” The hero swung me around by my tail, using me as a weapon and forcing the rogue to jump back.
Suddenly, Pinball charged in, slamming into Polarstorm with her force field bubble, sending him flying from the impact and making him release me in the process. I hit the ground and instinctively curled up into the fetal position. My eyes burned as tears of pain and humiliation leaked out of them, and though I tried to move, I couldn’t even do that right, which only made it worse.
“Hey, Asshole…leave the Imp alone,” Pinball exclaimed in a tone that made me think she was paraphrasing a line from the Pink Floyd song Another Brick in the Wall…though that was probably just my pain filled overactive imagination.
“Imp,” Highwayman demanded, dropping down beside me. “Are you all right…”
“F…f…fine,” I responded, managing to sit up a bit with Highwayman’s help. “H…h…he only tried to tear my spine out from the back end… I think he dislocated my vertebrae…”
“Holy shit,” Monekybutt exclaimed.
I looked over at Pinball, who’d dropped her force field bubble and was now fighting Polarstorm hand to hand. She picked up the massive bear and body slammed him onto the ground, though as far as I was concerned, it wasn’t nearly hard enough. He got back up.
I glared furiously at the so called hero and demanded, “How would you like it of someone picked you up by your schlong and swung you around?”
Highwayman and Monkeybutt helped me back to my feet, though it wasn’t easy for me. My regeneration was already taking care of the worst damage, but the pain hadn’t gone away yet, making it difficult to put any pressure on my lower spine…which included standing.
“Come on, you ugly little bitch,” Polarstorm called to me, sounding rather smug. “I’ll take you again…”
“Ugly?” I demanded coldly. I might be brilliant, talented, and unbelievably fabulous…but even I had feelings that could be hurt. No woman liked to be ugly, especially one who might conceivably be just a tiny bit sensitive about her appearance anyway. “Insult on top of injury…”
Pinball wasn’t finished with Polarstorm and hit him again, then formed her force field bubble and slammed into him, running him over several times. While she was doing that, Highwayman left me in Monkeybutt’s care and wandered over to pick a weapon off the ground from where he’d dropped it earlier. He calmly walked over to Polarstorm, who was still lying flat on the ground, and then shot him right in the face. Polarstorm spasmed a bit as though he was having a seizure…or perhaps just getting tazered in the face.
“You should NEVER treat a lady in such fashion,” he stated firmly.
“Hey Fuzzy Wuzzy,” I called out to Polarstorm, who was still alive and awake, just not moving much. With Monkeybutt’s help, I went over to him and then gave him a playful smile, one that was forced and probably a little manic looking at the moment. “Guess what, Fuzzy Wuzzy…” Polarstorm…Fuzzy Wuzzy just snarled at me, which made my grin a little more real but no less hostile. “You’re my new special friend.”
“Come on,” Mauler called out. “We’re done here.”
That drew my attention to the others, and I saw that Hexfire had taken care of Miss Magic, who was surrounded by a circle of green flames that were trying to get in. Miss Magic was keeping the flames away from her, but it seemed that this was taking all her concentration, leaving her unable to deal with the rest of us.
Brandywine was on the ground, crouched down with the Emerald Avenger, both of whom were shaken up but alive. They were covered with a glowing green force field, which was protecting them, but neither seemed ready to go back on the offensive. I suspected that it wouldn’t take long before the Shielders would recover enough to continue the fight, but there was no reason we had to stay here long enough for that to happen.
Mauler picked up a large metal suitcase that had been left nearby, and which probably contained the ebidium. I was both surprised and concerned, because I wasn’t sure a quarter ton of metal would fit in a container that small. However, I wasn’t in any condition or mood to hang around questioning it either. I wanted out of here…NOW.
Highwayman held up his hand, and I was startled to realize that he was gesturing towards something. I looked towards the outer fence where he was gesturing, and was surprised to see his motorcycle coming right towards us…without a driver. It was extremely high tech, a lot more than the one he’d made for me, which hadn’t come with remote control. The bike stopped in front of him, barely making a sound.
After climbing onto the bike, Highwayman turned to Monkeywrench and said, “Climb on…”
“You can ride with me,” Pinball said, giving me a concerned look.
When I nodded, Pinball came over and gave me an arm to lean against. My legs started to collapse from beneath me, but she caught me and picked me up, holding me with ease. Of course, with her exemplar strength, I might as well weigh next to nothing.
“I can provide my own transportation,” Hexfire stated in the tone of voice that suggested there was no way she’d even consider riding with any of us again. With that, she muttered some spell under her breath and a black disk appeared beneath her feet, rising up off the ground and carrying her with it.
Pinball formed one of her transparent force field bubbles around the two of us, then we took off, rolling away from the Sartek facility and smashing through the fence as we left. Of course, we were leaving a pretty easy trail to follow, but Pinball had a lot of experience in losing followers and disappearing anyway.
“Don’t worry,” Pinball assured me, still holding me tight. “They won’t catch us.”
“What, me worry?” I asked her with a weak grin before closing my eyes to rest them…for just a moment.
--------------------
New Jersey, Thursday May 17th, 2007
It had been nearly two hours since we’d escaped the Shielders at the Sartek facility, and most of my crew had met up again back at our rendezvous point, the warehouse where we’d gathered before the heist. The only one who’d yet to arrive was Mauler, who was a bit slower moving than anyone else.
I was currently sitting in a chair…very carefully. An ice pack that Pinball had found was pressed up against my lower back, right above my tail, while I was holding another bag onto the tail itself.
Even after two hours, my tail and lower back still hurt pretty badly. Of course, that was to be expected considering just how badly Fuzzy Wuzzy had hurt me. I was pretty sure he’d dislocated some of my lower vertebrae and all of my tailbones, and swinging me around by my tail had probably also torn my tail muscles up pretty badly.
This whole situation served as a clear reminder of why I usually avoided these super powered dust-ups. Sneaking in and out while avoiding a fight entirely was much preferable than this kind of painful nonsense.
“I should have done the ninja vanish trick when I had the chance,” I muttered to myself, thinking of my usual tactic when a fight got too rough. Unfortunately, this one had turned south faster than I’d expected.
After letting out a sigh, I looked around the warehouse and at the rest of the crew who were gathered there, impatiently waiting for Mauler. Hexfire was standing well away from everyone else, reading through a book and pretending that the rest of us didn’t exist. Pinball sat across the table from me, occasionally giving me worried looks but not really saying anything.
Highwayman and Monkeybutt were off to the side, having a conversation. I listened in as Highwayman told the rookie, “Though your abilities are admirable, you require a weapon for when they are not enough…”
“Yeah, I got that,” Monkeybutt agreed, looking depressed. Though his first job had been a success, it had also forced him to face his weaknesses.
A minute later, Monkeybutt and Highwayman finished up and came over to join Pinball and me at the table. “How are you feeling?” Highwayman asked me, sounding concerned.
“A bit better,” I admitted. I could actually move my tail again, though it still hurt to do so. “In another hour or so, I should be as good as new.”
“I’m kind of surprised that pulling your tail would hurt you so much,” Monkeybutt said, giving me a curious look. He was clearly no longer intimidated by me, which wasn’t surprising considering my current condition. In fact, he was probably thinking that I was really some kind of wimp.
“This isn’t just some random growth coming out of my butt,” I pointed out wryly as I held up my tail. “It’s an extension of my spine.”
“Ouch,” Monkeybutt said, looking sympathetic.
“You can’t be this perfect without having some downside,” I said with a smirk while Pinball rolled her eyes.
A few minutes later, Mauler returned, stomping into the warehouse in his big suit of power armor. How he got past the police without being seen in that thing, I had no idea.
Without a word, Mauler held out his arm and set the large metal briefcase onto the poker table. The table split in half and collapsed under the weight, which suddenly made me even more curious about the target of our heist.
“Our primary objective,” Mauler stated, not bothering to get out of his armor. “The ebidium.”
Highwayman shoved away the wreckage of the table and opened the case, revealing that it contained only eight bars of glossy black metal. The bars weren’t even very big, which confused me a bit considering how heavy the case was.
“Ebidium,” Highwayman stated.
I climbed out of my chair, wincing a bit in discomfort, and then I tried to pick up a bar for a better look. But to my surprise, that single bar was even heavier than I’d suspected.
“Each bar weighs approximately sixty pounds,” Highwayman explained. “This alloy is quite dense, and even this small amount will be worth quite a fortune.”
“It is kind of pretty,” I said with a grin. “Imagine trying to make a necklace out of it.”
“And I am certain it would look quite fetching on you,” Highwayman told me. “But I fear, you would have to be a brick to wear jewelry made of ebidium.”
Pinball grinned at that, reminding me again of just how strong she was. She probably could get away with wearing jewelry made of the stuff, but I didn’t think the black metal went well with her coloring. Still, that wasn’t really even a choice since we already had a buyer for this load.
“Imp,” Mauler said, catching my attention. “Did you accomplish your task?”
“Of course,” I responded, reaching into one of my pouches and pulling out a small jewelry box that contained the chip. As I handed the chip over to Mauler, I asked, “So, when is the meet with your go-between?”
“Tonight,” Mauler responded. “But before then, there is one more piece of business we need to take care of first.”
“What’s that?” I joked. “You have to pay your tab with the pimp down the street?”
Without warning, Mauler suddenly raised his hand and fired a single shot from his arm canon, hitting Monkeybutt right in the chest. A pulse of energy hit the rookie and exploded out through his back, creating a hole large enough for a cantaloupe to go through. In an instant, everyone else was in motion.
Mauler didn’t say a word as he opened fire on the rest of us, shooting blasts of energy in every direction. I suddenly found that the threat of imminent death was enough to help me move properly again, at least enough to dodge a blast that would have killed me.
“TRAITOR,” Hexfire yelled, forming a ball of green flames in one hand and a swirling ball of darkness in the other.
Mauler fired some kind of small missile at Hexfire, but she held out her hand and the ball of darkness formed into a disk. The small missile hit the shield end exploded, sending Hexfire flying back. He fired a second missile, one which missed her and exploded a distance behind her instead. This time, she was flung forward and hit the ground face first.
“I hate that magic crap,” Mauler stated as he raised his arm to fire at Hexfire again.
Suddenly, Pinball jumped at Hexfire, forming her force field bubble around them both just in time to protect them from one of Mauler’s energy blasts. Mauler fired several more shots, but Pinball’s shield was holding.
“Faithless cur,” Highwayman exclaimed, throwing a grenade at Mauler, though it didn’t do much against the power armor.
Mauler froze where he was and looked like he was going to keep blasting, but then he bent over and grabbed the metal case containing the ebidium. “Consider your lives payment for your services.”
“The agreed upon payment was in cash,” Highwayman responded grimly. “We had an agreement, and I hold you to it.”
“Now might not be the best time for you to taunt the asshat,” I called out to Highwayman. “That’s my job.”
Mauler fired two more of his small missiles, one at Highwayman and one at me. Both of us dove for cover, though I focused all the energy in my aura to my legs as I jumped, letting me leap out of range much more easily. However, as I hit the ground and rolled, I nearly screamed in pain from my still not fully healed tail and lower back.
Before the missiles had even exploded, Mauler began to lift into the air, courtesy of the jets on his back and legs. I’d heard he could do short flights, but this was the first time I’d seen him demonstrate that ability. He fired blasts of energy at the ceiling, then took off through the hole, flying out of the warehouse and leaving us.
I got back to my feet, wincing in pain as I did so. After that hit, I’d probably undone a half hour to an hour worth of healing. Fortunately, I hadn’t undone it all or I wouldn’t be able to walk over and check on Highwayman, who was spread out on the ground with blood on his costume.
“I’ll live,” Highwayman told me, holding his thigh which had been punctured by shrapnel. “But between the wound and the bruises, I doubt I’ll be moving very quickly for awhile.”
“You know what they say,” I said, giving him a weak grin. “Any explosion you can walk away from...”
“Monkeywrench won’t be walking away from this,” Pinball pointed out grimly.
I looked over to the rookie and felt a surge of guilt for his death, and of anger for the one who’d caused it. You’d think that as professional criminals…as super villains…that we would just shrug off a little death. However, you never just shrugged off a death…especially a cold blooded murder like this…at least not without losing some of your humanity.
“Poor kid,” I said sadly.
Obviously, Mauler had taken Monkeywrench out first, because out of all of us, he’d been the biggest threat. Monkeywrench could have shut that armor down in seconds.
While I helped Highwayman back to his feet, at least enough to get him into a chair so we could get him patched up, I looked over and saw that Pinball was helping Hexfire up as well. Like Highwayman, she’d been caught by shrapnel from an explosion, though she’d been caught in the side.
“Mauler would have killed me with his next strike,” Hexfire told Pinball, pulling away from the redhead in order to stand on her own. “You saved me from death and I shall not forget the debt I owe you.” She scowled as she spoke, looking almost like it pained her to admit that she owed Pinball anything.
“It was nothing,” Pinball tried to shrug it off.
“My life is not nothing,” Hexfire said coldly. “I owe you a debt, and I detest owing anyone. You may call upon me for one favor.”
Pinball nodded at that. “I’ll remember.”
“I owe Mauler a debt as well,” Hexfire announced. “He shall pay for his betrayal with his blood and soul.”
With that, Hexfire turned her back to us and began walking away, limping a bit from her own injuries though obviously trying to act as though they didn’t bother her. A black disk formed beneath her feet, lifting her up into the air. And then, apparently deciding that she was done with the rest of us, she flew away through the hole in the roof that Mauler had created without another word.
“Mauler betrayed us,” Highwayman snarled with a cold anger. “He took the ebidium and the chip…leaving us with nothing.”
I hesitated a moment, then admitted, “Not exactly…”
“What do you mean?” Pinball asked me with a suspicious look.
I reached into one of my pouches and pulled out the small jewelry box which contained the chip. “I was a little distracted earlier,” I admitted with a grin, “and accidentally gave Mauler the wrong chip.”
“The wrong chip?” Highwayman asked with interest.
I grinned at that. “He has the decoy that I was supposed to leave in the vault. This is the real one. I don’t know how much this thing is worth, but if he brought me in just to snatch it, then it’s obviously worth something.”
Pinball nodded at that, still not looking happy. “Then at least we won’t leave completely empty-handed.”
“Agreed,” Highwayman responded. “Hexfire has a point. We all owe Mauler for this betrayal, but vengeance is rarely profitable and I am in no condition to confront him anytime soon. I for one will bide my time, then find a way to extract my share from him at a later date.”
“Agreed,” Pinball said with another nod.
I was definitely pissed at Mauler, more for the way he’d killed Monkeywrench than for stealing the goods, though I certainly wasn’t happy about that either. But like Highwayman said, vengeance wasn’t profitable and it wasn’t really my usually style either.
“I’ll see if I can get hold of the White Lady,” I finally said. “If she wants this chip enough to make it a condition of the ebidium deal, then she’ll want it enough to pay us.”
After this, the three of us decided that it wouldn’t be smart to hang around the warehouse any longer, not after all the explosions might have drawn the attention of any neighbors. Pinball grabbed Monkeywrench’s body, promising that she’d get it back to his family, then the three of us took off, heading our separate ways.
-------------------
New York, Saturday May 19th, 2007
I was deep in the bowels of the Imp Lair, secure within my hidden sanctuary as I considered one of the greatest evils known to man. Or in other words, was sitting back in my condo, curled up in my big comfy recliner with a glass of wine in one hand and a cheesy supernatural romance novel in the other. The novel was complete and utter trash, but I just couldn’t put it down.
“Whoever heard of sparkling vampires?” I asked with a snort of disgust.
I took a sip of my wine, then finally set the book aside, regretting that I’d contaminated my brain with it in the first place. I didn’t usually read a lot of fiction, other than the occasional hot and steamy romance novel, but I’d started that one on an impulse. “Bad brain, no biscuit,” I muttered. I really should have started on that biography about a little known sculptor named Jean Henri Dumont instead. That was a little more along the lines of my usual reading habits anyway.
Between the book and wine, I’d been trying to distract myself from the events of the last couple days, though I still found myself thinking about the heist. My part had gone smoothly, and I’d managed to get in and out without any problems. However, that was the only part of the heist that had gone as planned…or at least according to what I’d thought had been planned.
The others had all gotten the ebidium as planned, but then they ran into the Shielders on the way out. Of course, we’d known that might happen which was why we’d increased our numbers a bit. However, I still thought the whole fight was pointless and could have been avoided. That was the whole problem with smash and grab tactics…everyone knew you were there and showed up to stop you.
After we’d gotten away from the Shielders with the goods in hand, Mauler turned around and stabbed us all in the back. I scowled as I thought about Monkeywrench, who’d been murdered before he’d ever even had a chance. Unfortunately, that was just one of the downsides of our business…a business that the kid had no business being in.
And though I did feel bad about Monkeywrench, I was also pissed about the fact that Mauler had tried to kill me too, and then he’d run off with the entire haul. I probably would have overlooked the whole trying to kill me thing since that was just part of the business, but he’d also taken my share of the ebidium, which was worth a couple million…enough to keep me in paint and Cheetos for a long time.
Going after Mauler wasn’t really about revenge but was more of a professional necessity. If I let him get away with that, word would get out that I was a gullible mark and other people might start to think they could double-cross me too.
Just then, my Imp phone started going off, playing a tune from the Who song Pinball Wizard, which told me exactly who was calling. I picked up the phone and answered, “Imp’s Road Kill Café. You kill it we grill it…”
Pinball chuckled on the other end and responded, “I’ll have a large possum pizza with a side order of squirrel bites.”
“And would you like to supersize that?” I asked with a cheerfulness I didn’t really feel at the moment. “Oh, we’re also having a special on catburger. We just got in a big shipment that fell off the front of a truck…”
“Now, as tasty as that sounds,” Pinball said, sounding somewhat amused, “that isn’t why I called.”
I nodded at that, even though she couldn’t see that through the phone. I slipped into a more serious tone and stated, “Mauler.”
“My sources say he’s in New York,” Pinball told me.
“I know,” I responded with scowl. “From what I’ve been able to find out, he made the meet with the go-between and they went ahead the exchange, even without the chip. My sources say he’s still in New York too, but I haven’t been able to find out where…yet.”
“You’re going after him,” Pinball gasped. “Don’t… You know you’re no match for him…”
“I’m insulted you think so little of me,” I responded with an exasperated sigh and a roll of my eyes. “I was going to find where he has the money, then rob him blind when he isn’t looking.”
Pinball chuckled at that. “Yeah, that sounds more like you. Do you need help? I can be in New York in a day or so…”
This time, I let out a loud snort. “Thanks, but that won’t be necessary. In fact, if you start bouncing around Manhattan like it was a giant pinball machine, you’ll just get the Empire City Guard involved, and that’s the last thing we want.”
“All right,” Pinball reluctantly agreed. “New York is your home territory and I wouldn’t have any idea of where to start, so you can take the lead on this one. But if you need help, Highwayman and I will be there.”
“If I recover the cash, I’ll make sure you guys get your share,” I assured her. “And Hexfire too. I wouldn’t want her to find out I was holding back on her.”
Pinball agreed, “I wouldn’t either. I think we should send Monkeywrench’s share to his family. After all, he certainly paid enough for it.”
“I can’t argue with that,” I said with a sigh. “Oh, I hear the White Lady is still in New York, so I’m trying to get a meeting with her before she leaves town. Maybe I can sell that chip to her. And don’t worry, I’ll make sure you guys get your share of that too.”
“I trust you with that,” Pinball assured me, though she quickly added, “To a point. If you planned on screwing Highwayman and I out of our share, you wouldn’t have told us you still had the chip in the first place.”
Pinball and I talked for a few more minutes before we ended the conversation. For the moment, Pinball and Highwayman were going to let me deal with Mauler on my own, but I knew that wouldn’t last. After all, I wasn’t the only one whose professional reputation was on the line after what he’d done. I suspected that the only reason the two of them weren’t in New York chasing after that bastard themselves was because of Highwayman’s injuries.
I briefly considered what to do with Mauler, but decided that what I really needed at the moment, was just to take my mind off things and have some fun. And I didn’t mean with a book that I didn’t like either. With a grin, I quickly went and changed into my working clothes, then grabbed a carton of eggs from the fridge. A short time later, I was cheerfully singing to myself and bopping along with the music in my head as I left my condo.
About an hour after I’d left my condo, I was standing on the roof of a building, using my aura to stay hidden while I watched the streets below and the sky above. It was pretty late out, but this was New York, a city that never truly went to sleep. This particular area was a frequent sighting spot for super heroes, and it wasn’t uncommon to see someone flying past as they traveled from one end of Manhattan to the other. I was hoping that I’d be able to catch another one soon, because egging super heroes was not only fun, but also a great way to blow off steam.
I didn’t have to wait much longer before I saw my target, some hero who was flying past, staying low enough so that he could get a good view of the streets. Heroes who were out on patrol liked to stay low for that very reason, which made them easier targets. I grinned to myself, focused most of the energy in my aura to my hand, and then I released it into the egg as I threw it…giving it the extra oomph it needed to fly that distance. The egg caught him right in the face and I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to keep from bursting out in laugher, which would have given me away.
“Who threw that?” the hero demanded, wiping the egg from his face and staring at his yoke covered hand, then looking around with an angry glare. I just crouched down, using my aura to remain hidden from sight. I just hoped he didn’t have some kind of enhanced senses that would let him spot me, because that was always annoying. Fortunately, he didn’t seem to have anything like that, because his eyes swept right past my location without stopping. “Come out and face me.”
The hero spent the next fifteen minutes flying around in circles, trying to see who’d thrown the egg. I was tempted to jump out and yell “BOO” when he came close, but managed to restrain myself. However, when he finally gave up and started to fly away, I let loose with a second egg, catching him in the shoulder and earning a loud stream of profanity, which didn’t quite mesh with the squeaky clean image a lot of his type tried to project.
After I’d slipped away, I decided to go fishing in a new location. I carefully crept around some rooftops, keeping an eye out for likely targets. And though I didn’t see any more heroes, I did catch sight of a mugger. Or at least, I assumed the guy was a mugger by the way he was slowly following behind another man, looking as though he was getting ready to pounce. I sneered in contempt since I really didn’t like muggers. They were the kind of lazy thugs that gave professional criminals like myself a bad name.
When the mugger pulled out a knife, confirming his intentions, I grinned and threw an egg at him. I hit the mugger in the back, causing him to let out a loud yelp, which warned his would be victim. As the would be victim ran off, the mugger snapped around, waving his knife around as he tried to see who’d hit him. This time, I didn’t bother to hold back my laughter as I hurried away.
Just a few minutes later, I suddenly heard something from below that immediately caught my attention. It was the unmistakable sound of someone shaking a can of spray paint and then using it. Normally, I wouldn’t really have paid any attention to some petty graffiti, but over the last month, someone had been tagging walls with my logo. Out of curiosity, I moved closer, jumping off the building so I could see what was being painted. In mere seconds, I had a clear view of the wall being painted, and of my logo which was in the process of being placed on it. However, there was no sign of who was doing it.
“What the…?” I started, startled since I could see the paint forming on the wall, though I couldn’t see the artist doing it. However, after a second, I did notice the paint can…floating in the air. “Telekinesis or invisibility,” I mused, taking an egg and throwing right towards where the artist would be standing if they were invisible.
As soon as the egg hit, there was a high pitched shriek as a figure suddenly popped into view. The person holding the spray paint can was a teenage girl, looking about thirteen or fourteen. She had long blonde hair and a cute face, the kind that would probably be considered quite beautiful once she was a few years older. However, what really drew my attention was the fact that she was wearing a pair of cheap plastic devil horns on her forehead, the kind that came from a Halloween costume, and a matching costume piece tail.
“I’ve got you now, imp-poster,” I exclaimed, jumping down in front of her.
The girl let out another shriek at the sight of me, but to my surprise, she didn’t look afraid. Instead, she looked…excited. “You’re the Imp,” the girl exclaimed, literally bouncing with excitement. “Oh my God, it’s really you… I’m your biggest fan…”
I blinked at that, feeling a bit confused because this wasn’t the kind of reaction I was expecting. “Really?” I asked wryly, pointing to the horns on her head. “I guess that would explain those.”
The girl blushed as she took the horns off, then proudly blurted out, “I’m the president of your fan club…”
I blinked again. “I have a fan club?”
“Will you sign my horns,” the girl begged, holding the plastic costume piece out to me. “Please…”
This whole encounter was turning out weirder and weirder by the moment. Still, the kid seemed fairly harmless. “I don’t have a pen on me…” She quickly began patting her pockets, but the disappointed look on her face was enough to tell me that she didn’t have one either. “Now then, what in the world do you think you’re doing?” The girl gave me a blank look. I pointed to my logo, which was only half painted on the wall. “Thanks to you, all the local gangs think I’m trying to move in on their territory…”
“Oh,” she gasped, her eyes going wide. “I’m sorry… I just wanted to show how cool you were…”
I rubbed my temples at that, wondering if I was on Candid Camera or something. I’d spent the last month being pissed off at whoever was painting my logo everywhere, but it was hard to be mad with this kid.
“Okay,” I said with an exasperated sigh. “Who are you, kid?”
“I’m Melissa,” she started, then quickly added, “But my codename is Mischief, because my dad says I’m always getting into mischief…”
“I can see that,” I responded wryly. She was a teenage girl, running around in the middle of the night and vandalizing buildings with the logo of an infamous…and completely fabulous super villain. I had a feeling that her dad really had his hands full with her.
“Or at least it will be, once I get my MID,” Melissa continued, deflating a little bit. “I really hope Mischief isn’t taken… I heard that sometimes all the good names get taken and you have to pick a new one… Do you think anyone else is using my name?” She gave me a hopeful look at that.
“I don’t know anyone else calling themselves Mischief,” I admitted, giving this girl a curious look. My eyes went to my logo on the wall, then I asked, “You’re the one who broke into that art gallery…aren’t you?”
Melissa suddenly grinned proudly. “You heard about that?”
“I usually do hear about it when someone frames me for a crime,” I pointed out, giving her a flat look.
Once again, Melissa seemed to deflate at that. “I’m sorry,” she nearly whined, “I didn’t mean to frame you or anything… I was just trying to be like you…”
I snorted at that. “I wouldn’t have left the paintings behind…” Then seeing her deflate even further, I couldn’t help but feeling just a little guilty…even though I realized it was absolutely ridiculous for me to feel that way when she was the one who’d framed me. “How did you get in anyway? I didn’t see any of the usual indications.” Of course, the invisibility thing she’d already demonstrated would certainly explain that…and why the security cameras hadn’t seen anything.
Melissa suddenly got excited again, making me wonder if she was bipolar or something. “I walked through the wall,” she exclaimed proudly.
“Invisibility and walking through walls,” I mused. I had to admit, those could definitely be some useful abilities for someone in my line of work.
“And I can teleport too,” Melissa bragged, though she deflated just a tiny bit as she admitted, “But not very far…”
“Those are some pretty good powers,” I admitted, which only seemed to make her bubble up with excitement again. Her bouncing mood swings were enough to make me dizzy. After a moment, I shook my head and let out a sigh, wondering how in the world I’d suddenly ended up stuck in the role of a responsible adult. That was just…weird. “Does your dad know you’re out doing this?” I gestured to the wall.
Once again, Melissa seemed to deflate in front of me. “No,” she admitted quietly, suddenly looking ashamed. “He doesn’t even know I’m a mutant yet…” I didn’t know what to say to that, but Melissa didn’t seem to expect a response. Instead, she had a depressed look on her face as she continued, “Dad wouldn’t understand… All he cares about is his stupid job. He doesn’t care about me at all…”
I winced at that, suddenly having been struck right in the feels. I could definitely sympathize, because Melissa’s relationship with her father sounded far too much like mine had been with my own parents. And all of a suddenly, it almost felt like I was looking at a much younger version of myself. In fact, I hadn’t really been all that much older than she was when I ran away from home and first got started in the business.
“Look,” I said gently, feeling extremely awkward to be talking to her like this. “I don’t really know you or your dad, and I’m probably one of the worst people to give any kind of family advice, but don’t you think you should at least tell him you’re a mutant?”
Melissa nodded faintly at that, though she was almost pouting as she said, “But Dad NEVER understands me…” I found myself nodding in understanding.
“But what about your mom?” I asked.
Melissa looked even more depressed at that. “She died when I was little.”
I felt another pang of sympathy for the girl. “I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
Melissa shook her head. “No. It’s just me and Dad.”
“Well, is your dad of those Humanity First people?” I asked, knowing that if her dad was with Humanity First or one of those other anti-mutant groups, then coming out to him would probably be a bad idea.
Melissa shook her head. “No, Dad isn’t like that…”
“Then, are you afraid he’ll kick you out?” I asked. Melissa shook her head again. “Or maybe you’re afraid he’ll amputate your tail to try making you normal…”
Melissa’s eyes went to my tail and widened. After a moment, she protested, “I don’t have a tail…”
“Then what do you call this?” I joked, grabbing the costume tail she had clipped onto her belt. Melissa giggled at that. “Then I don’t see what you’re worried about.”
I might be an expert at the whole witty banter thing, but it looked like my pep talk skills needed work. Melissa stood there with a pouty look on her face, obviously not happy with the idea of telling her family that she was a mutant. Then again, considering how my own family reacted, I couldn’t really blame her. Of course, there was always the possibility that what she was really worried about was having to admit what she’d been up to with her new powers.
“Will you teach me how to be a super villain?” Melissa abruptly asked me, suddenly bursting with excitement again. “Please…”
“What?” I blinked in surprise. “No…”
“I can do it,” Melissa insisted. “I’ve got really awesome powers…”
“Yes you do,” I agreed, reaching out and ruffling her hair, which got a faint look of annoyance in response. “But what I do for a living… Well…it isn’t the kind of career you should get into on a whim.” I suddenly thought of Monkeywrench and the way he’d looked after Mauler had killed him. I grimaced at that and quietly told Melissa, “Trust me on that. This is a dangerous business and you don’t want to get into it without a lot of training and preparation.”
“I guess,” Melissa said, looking disappointed again. However, that didn’t last more than a few seconds before she asked, “Can I at least talk to you again? I mean, you still haven’t signed my horns…”
I grinned at her enthusiasm and responded, “If we ever run into each other again, and if you have a pen on you, I just might give you an autograph of the one and only, genuine, fabulous Imp.”
“Really?” the girl exclaimed, nearly bouncing with excitement again.
“Really,” I told her with a grin. Then, just as I was about to turn to leave, I suddenly remembered something. “Oh, and stop tagging everything and framing me for robberies. It tends to…confuse things.”
“I won’t,” she promised.
“And don’t start doing it for anyone else either,” I added, deciding that I’d better point this out before she gets into even more trouble. “Most people in my business won’t be as understanding about this as I am.”
“I won’t,” she repeated. “I promise.”
Then as I turned to leave, Melissa called out, “Goodbye Imp… It was really nice meeting you…”
“You too, Mischief,” I called back before I scrambled up a nearby wall and hurried away. When I looked back, Melissa was gone.
I felt a momentary pang of guilt, suddenly wondering if I should have done more to discourage the girl from going into my line of work. Or maybe I should have taken her straight home, just to make sure she made it back safely. However, I would have been a complete hypocrite if I’d done either of those things. And of course, she’d been going out on her own like that for at least a month, and with powers like hers, I suspected that she’d be able to avoid trouble quite easily. Still, she was just a kid and something didn’t sit quite right with me for leaving her alone on the streets that way.
“What a weird kid,” I mused, though I found myself grinning as I said it. I kind of liked the kid and her bubbly enthusiasm, though it was a bit strange having my own groupie. “But at least she has great taste in role models.”
--------------------
New York, Sunday May 20th, 2007
It was late afternoon when I arrived at my destination, a very old and expensive hotel that had a reputation among certain circles for being discreet and asking no questions of their guests, other than what method they would use to pay. I’d parked my motorcycle in their private parking garage, then let myself inside the hotel without drawing any attention. I doubted that the hotel staff would have any problems with my presence or occupation, though if they knew I was there, they’d probably keep a close watch on me just to make sure I didn’t ‘inconvenience’ any of their current guests.
When I arrived at the entrance to the penthouse suite, I wasn’t at all surprised to find two men were standing guard there. One was tall and thin, the other short and stocky, and both wore nice suits with faint bulges that indicated they were armed.
“If it isn’t Mario and Luigi,” I greeted the guards with a broad grin, making sure to keep my hands visible so they could see I wasn’t armed. “Is the princess home?”
The tall guard just gave me a look of grim disapproval, but the short one smiled faintly and responded, “Sorry, but your princess is in another castle. However, the queen is home and she’s been expecting you.”
With that, the guards called inside to announce that I was there, then they opened the door and let me in. I stepped into the penthouse suite and took a quick look around, mentally noting the expensive decorations that had been provided by the hotel. Of course, none of this was really any surprise to me since I’d been in this very penthouse before…and not as a guest.
A young woman met me next to the door and said, “Right this way, Miss Imp.”
“Thank you, Yoshi,” I responded pleasantly. She didn’t even blink at the nickname, which kind of took the fun out of it.
Yoshi took me to the large sitting room, and the woman who was seated in a chair, somehow making it look almost as though it was a throne. She had pure white skin, the same color as freshly fallen snow or a piece of chalk. Her long hair was the same white color as her skin and was done up in some kind of fancy braided style. The dress she currently wore was both elegant and old fashioned, not to mention completely white. In fact, the only real color to this woman was provided by her crimson nail polish and lipstick, and of course, the ruby earrings and necklace she wore. One look at her was enough to see why she was called the White Lady.
“Bounjour, Madame Imp,” the White Lady greeted me politely. “Please, have a seat.” She gestured to the chair across from her.
“Thank you,” I responded, silently reminding myself to be on my best behavior. The White Lady was someone I actually wanted to take me seriously, at least for the purpose of this discussion. “And thank you for agreeing to see me.”
“We have had business dealings before,” the White Lady told me. “Indirectly, of course. However, I do owe a favorite piece of my home décor to your efforts, and I extend this courtesy in large part to ensure good will should I ever require your services again in the future.”
“And I will remember this,” I told her politely. What neither of us said aloud was that if I did another job for her, I’d be expected to give her a nice discount.
A moment later, Yoshi set down two glasses and filled them with wine. I accepted mine without a word and took a sip, noting that it was a pretty good vintage. Though I enjoyed a good wine, I’d never really considered myself a wine snob. However, drinking wine like this on a regular basis might be enough to make me reconsider.
“Now then,” the White Lady said, fixing me with her pale silver eyes. “I believe you wished to discuss a business arrangement I may have had with the Mauler.”
I nodded at that, biting my tongue to keep from saying something I shouldn’t. “Yes. As you probably know, I was part of the crew that retrieved the merchandise. Afterwards, Mauler turned on us, killing one of our members and taking the goods.”
“I see,” the White Lady mused. She took a sip of her wine, then said, “I fear that there is little I can do for you in this matter. You see, I merely acted as the facilitator in an exchange between Mauler and another party, and this exchange has already taken place. The arrangement was with the Mauler, so as a subcontractor, you will need to take your grievance to him.”
“I understand,” I replied patiently, not at all surprised by her position since this was exactly what I’d expected. I’d told her this more to explain the situation than because I expected her to do anything about it.
“Might I suggest,” the White Lady continued, “that you file a complaint with the Syndicate. If nothing else, this may provide a warning to others who wish to do business with the Mauler.”
“A good idea,” I agreed, though this wouldn’t do anything about Monkeywrench or the money that Mauler owed us. “Actually, I wasn’t here trying to ask for compensation for my work with the ebidium…though admittedly, I am curious about why anyone would pay so much for heavy metal.” I smirked faintly and then bit my tongue to keep from making a joke about rock music. Instead, I added, “I mean, I’ve never even heard of the stuff before, and it seems way too heavy to use for jewelry or armor…”
“Oui,” the White Lady responded, looking faintly amused…very faintly. “Ebidium is far too heavy for such uses, but it does have other properties that are highly prized. Ebidium is quite…stable.” She said the word ‘stable’ as though not quite certain it was the best word. “It can insulate against certain types of energies and warper effects. If a safe was to be lined with this metal, one such as Tinsnip would not be able to pass through the metal…”
That immediately caught my attention since I had a great deal of interest in different types of safes…and their weaknesses. “That sounds useful.” However, Tinsnip was an assassin rather than a thief, so I doubted anyone would spend that much money just to create a safe to keep him out.
The White Lady nodded her head slightly. “But of even greater import is the fact that ebidium is completely immune to magic.”
“Doesn’t iron do that already?” I asked with a snort. “And it’s a LOT cheaper…”
“Iron disrupts many types of magic,” the White Lady corrected me, “but ebidium acts as an insulator against nearly every type of known magic. If a safe was to be made with this metal, magic could not force the safe open nor even touch that which is held within.”
“That does sound useful,” I agreed, thinking of the various magic users who were in the business. I smirked faintly as I imagined some of them trying to get into an ebidium safe, though I was confident that I wouldn’t have a problem. After all, from what the White Lady said, I should still be able to crack it the old fashioned way.
“Indeed,” she agreed, taking a sip of the wine. “But I am certain that you didn’t come to see me merely to ask about ebidium.”
“No, I didn’t,” I agreed grimly. “I came here for two reasons. One is that I was hoping you might know where I could find Mauler.”
The White Lady was silent for a moment, then said, “Though I sympathize with your reasons for trying to locate Mauler, I will not take sides in your dispute.”
“Perhaps I can offer a favor in exchange,” I suggested, deciding that I could afford to do a job for her in exchange for this information.
“A tempting offer,” the White Lady admitted. “However, the Mauler has been an acceptable business associate and has made no move against me or my own, so it would be poor form to initiate hostilities against him unnecessarily.”
I let out a sigh of disappointment at that. “I understand.” I took a slow sip of my wine, keeping my eyes on the White Lady as I did so. Once I set the glass back down, I said, “Then I suppose it’s time to get to the main reason I asked to speak with you. The computer chip.”
The White Lady gave me a curious look and casually asked, “What computer chip would this be?”
“The one you asked Mauler to retrieve for you,” I answered pleasantly. However, there was no look of recognition in the White Lady’s eyes, so I realized something was wrong. I scowled, then explained, “When Mauler brought me in on the job, he said that it was because you asked him to recover a computer chip from Sartek at the same time he was getting the ebidium.”
“It seems you have been misinformed,” the White Lady responded with a cold tone in her voice. “I have never discussed any computer chip with the Mauler, and I am quite certain that the other party in our agreement has little interest in such things. Whatever the Mauler told you, I can assure you that I have no knowledge of this chip.”
“So, that rat bastard pulled a Pinocchio on me,” I snarled in annoyance. I was about to say more, but then remembered who I was talking to. The White Lady was less super villain and more Don Corleone, and she had a reputation for being very serious about good manners and being polite. Since I didn’t want to risk offending her, I said, “I’m sorry… I’m just a bit frustrated. I’d come here thinking that I could sell you the chip, but it seems that things aren’t quite what I thought.”
“I understand completely,” the White Lady responded with a pleasant smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I myself am somewhat displeased to learn that the Mauler has been using my name for such purposes. I consider it a breach of our professional relationship.”
Once again I found myself having to bite my tongue and choke back a smart-ass response. Instead, I said, “I suspect he’ll regret doing that.”
“Indeed,” the White Lady said. “I will discuss this issue with the Mauler in my own time.”
I nodded at that, strongly suspecting that Mauler wouldn’t like that particular discussion, though I kind of wished I could be there to listen in. Maybe with a big bowl of popcorn…with extra butter.
“Unfortunately,” the White Lady told me while giving me a steady look, “my resources in this city are quite limited, so I am unable to tell you where the Mauler is currently residing.”
I was a little startled at that since she was suggesting that if she knew where the Mauler was, she’d tell me, when just a couple minutes ago, she’d made it perfectly clear that she wouldn’t help me with that. Then again, that had been before she’d found out that Mauler was tossing her name around, suggesting to everyone else that she was involved in whatever he was up to. Messing with the reputation of someone like the White Lady was not usually a very smart move.
“However,” she continued, “I can tell you where he has recently been seen…”
The White Lady and I talked for a few more minutes before we were finished, and once we were, I stood up and politely told her, “I know you’re a busy woman, so thank you again for taking the time to see me. I’m a little disappointed that there is no arrangement for the chip, but I appreciate you clearing things up for me.”
“It was my pleasure,” the White Lady told me, just as politely as she stood up and walked with me to the door. Then as we reached the door, she gave me a faint smile, one that didn’t reach her eyes. “But if I should happen to discover that you have misled me about the Mauler, then I will be most displeased with you.”
“Of course,” I responded.
“Then bonne nuit, Madame Imp,” the White Lady said as I left. “Until we meet again.”
As soon as I’d stepped out the door and was past Mario and Luigi, I let out a sigh of relief. The White Lady had been perfectly polite the entire time, and she hadn’t been nearly as intimidating as some of the other people I did business with, but that meeting had still played havoc on my nerves. Ironically, it wasn’t the White Lady who made me so uncomfortable, at least not directly, it was the fact that I’d been forced to act polite and be on my best behavior the entire time. That always made me feel so boring…so constrained…so…fake. And even worse than that, it reminded me far too much of my time as a little girl…back before I’d manifested and had become the fabulous Imp I was today.
“Well,” I said, flashing a grin to Mario and Luigi, “I’m off to go find Bowser.”
“Good luck with that, Toadette,” Mario responded in a gruff tone that made me chuckle.
I grinned at Mario, giving him a bit of a wave before I hurried on my way. As I made my way back to where I’d left my bike, I mused, “After that, I think I need a drink.”
--------------------
New York, Sunday evening, May 20th, 2007
I parked my bike in a nice out of the way alley, in a spot where it wouldn’t be noticed by any casual observer. In fact, I’d used that very spot on numerous occasions and knew that even most people who walked right down the alley would never notice it, not unless they tried to go around to the back side of the large dumpster, and then looked behind it.
As I left the alley, I picked a direction at random, knowing that it didn’t really matter where I went as long as I was looking for the Black Mask. Customers in good standing never had a problem finding the door, while those who weren’t welcome wouldn’t be able to find it no matter how much they looked. In fact, the only way a new customer was usually able to find the place, was if a customer in good standing brought them there the first time.
Almost as soon as I actually started looking for the Black Mask, I found the door, right in a space that I was sure had just been a blank wall a minute earlier. It was a large yet plain wooden door, one that didn’t really stand out much in this neighborhood. There was a black domino mask painted on the front, though there was no other sign to indicate the name or type of business on the other side, nor was there any need. Anyone who belonged in the bar would already know.
I stepped through the door and found myself inside the Black Mask. The soothing sounds of jazz music filled the air, courtesy of the band that was currently set up in the corner. I smiled, closing my eyes for a moment and finding it easy to imagine that this was a jazz club rather than a club for professional criminals.
Just a few seconds later, I was shaken out of my fantasy by a voice calling out, “Hey, Impy…”
A woman with wavy black hair and a mostly blue costume sat at the bar, waving for my attention. “Hey, Diamond,” I called back with a grin.
Blue Diamond was the self-proclaimed ‘World’s Most Lovable Super Villain’. It was a title she worked hard to live up to, usually only targeting people that no one liked while going out of her way to make sure all the witnesses were relaxed and having a good time. Once, I’d actually watched as a small crowd of civilians cheered her on, then turned around and started booing at the hero who showed up to stop her. Though I’d never admit it to Diamond, I might actually have been just a tiny bit jealous of her…and just a little annoyed. After all, everyone knew that I was more lovable than she was…or at least they should.
Once I reached the bar, I looked over at the bartender, Carl, and said, “Give me something a little bit obnoxious…” I was a little too distracted to think up a new drink name, but then again, ‘something obnoxious’ was actually a great name. In fact, I was glad I thought of it.
“So, what’s up?” I asked Diamond.
“Not much,” she responded cheerfully with a Long Island accent. “I did just do a job on this jerk of a CEO… Let me tell ya, it was great, ‘cause on the way out, his secretary gave me a gift card for Starbucks…”
I chuckled faintly as I imagined the scene, though it wasn’t really anything new…at least not as far as Blue Diamond was concerned. Unfortunately, I couldn’t really say that I’d ever had a bunch of witnesses cheering me on, but then again, I usually preferred to do my work when there wasn’t anyone around to watch.
Just then, Carl set a drink down on the bar in front of me and waited for my reaction. I took a sip and then nodded my approval. “Not bad…”
“A little obnoxious, just liked you asked for,” Carl told me with a faint smile. “I call it a Naughty Imp.”
Blue Diamond burst out laughing. “Oh, that is a good one… He’s got ya there, Impy.”
I took another sip, then grinned, “I like it. You should put it on the menu…”
Carl chuckled at that, expressing a little more emotion than I usually saw from him. He seemed quite pleased with himself as he turned and went back to work, making a drink for someone else.
“Hey, you know you’re famous when people start naming drinks after you,” I bragged to Diamond, who just chuckled some more.
Once she’d settled down, Diamond gave me a curious look and asked, “So, what have ya been up to lately?” From her expression, it was clear that she’d already heard some rumors.
“I’ve been busy,” I admitted with a shrug. “I was part of a crew that did a big job, and it went off without a hitch…” I paused at that, deciding not to mention the somewhat embarrassing…and painful detail of my being swung around by my tail. “But afterwards, our principal stabbed us in the back…”
“Ouch,” she responded sympathetically. Then she gave me a curious look before asking, “Does that have something to do with the polar bear?”
“Polar bear?” I asked in surprise, feeling a cold chill run down my spine because I could only think of one polar bear that might be related.
“Oh yeah,” Diamond said with a nod of her head. “Some polar bear showed up outside Superbad a few hours ago and beat up some guys. He was asking questions about a few guys in the biz, including you.”
“Fuzzy Wuzzy,” I said with an exasperated sigh.
“Fuzzy Wuzzy?” Diamond asked, giving me another curious look.
“His name,” I told her with a grin. “He used to call himself Polarstorm, but that just didn’t match his cute and cuddly exterior, so he changed it to something more appropriate.”
“Oh he did, did he?” Diamond responded with a skeptical snort.
“Yep,” I agreed with a cheerfulness I didn’t really feel. “Go ahead and spread it around. I think everyone should know about his name change…”
“Just like with Crash Test Dummy,” a new voice commented sarcastically from the side. “It figures, you’re too dense to get this one’s name right either…”
I looked over and saw the woman who spoke, and who just sat down at the bar a few stools away. She had red hair that was currently pulled back into a ponytail, and most people probably would have called her attractive. Personally, I thought she was just a little too plain looking to compete with a drop dead gorgeous Imp like myself. Now if she had some distinctive features, something like a tail and some stylish horns, then she’d look a lot better.
“Hey Howler,” I greeted her with a faint smirk.
“That’s HELLER,” she snapped in annoyance.
“Are you sure?” I teased, only to earn a glare and response.
Heller and I were well acquainted with each other, though I certainly wouldn’t say we were friends. We were both thieves of the cat burglar variety, so we did talk shop and trade tips on occasion, but just as often, we’d end up arguing over who was better. Of course, there was no argument since we both knew that I was the best thief, though she stubbornly refused to admit that fact.
The first time Heller and I met, the two of us were both trying to hit the same penthouse condo at the same time. This led to a small ‘misunderstanding’…and a fight that nearly resulted in both of us being pinched by some caped do-gooders.
“I hear that you let yourself get ripped off by Mauler,” Heller said with a catty smirk.
“With ears that big, you should be able to hear a lot,” I responded, only to see a flash of annoyance in her eyes. “Too bad you missed the fact that I, the infamous and brilliant Imp, cleverly outwitted him and gave him the wrong goods.” Of course, I didn’t mention that I’d actually given Mauler the decoy chip instead of the real one by accident. What mattered was that in the end, I was the one who walked away with the item.
Heller just gave me a dismissive snort. “The way I hear it, he got away with a quarter ton of ebidium…while you were left with table scraps… I keep telling you, you should learn from a real professional, like myself.”
“You’d know all about eating table scraps,” I teased her, my tail twitching back and forth as I did so. “Wouldn’t you Howler?”
Just then, one of the waitresses came over and stopped beside us, making Blue Diamond, Heller, and myself all turn to look at her. Brandi was a gorgeous and very busty blonde, the kind who looked like she should be a stripper or porn star. The truth was, Brandi was a mutant…an exemplar 1, which meant that she had just enough of the juice to give her the looks but not much else.
“Would any of you girls like to order something?” Brandi asked cheerfully. None of us were fooled about her real motivation, to break up our disagreement before it escalated like the last time.
“I’ll have a beer,” Heller told Brandi. “And I think the Imp will probably just have cheesy poofs or something…”
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with cheesy poofs,” I protested. Then I grinned and told Brandi, “Actually, I’ll have the grilled salmon with the asparagus while Howler here will probably be happy with her usual bowl of Alpo.”
Heller and I glared at each other while Brandi quickly said, “Okay…. One beer, one salmon dinner, and will you have anything Diamond?”
“I’m good,” Blue Diamond responded, holding up her beer and smiling. “But thanks anyway, Sweetie.”
Brandi didn’t rush off immediately but obviously stayed just to make sure Heller and I didn’t get out of hand. I turned to Blue Diamond and said, “Let me know if you hear anything about Fuzzy Wuzzy, would you…”
“Sure thing, Sweetie,” Diamond responded with a smile.
Then I looked back to Heller and grudgingly said, “Congrats on that Paulson heist…”
Heller nodded faintly and responded, “I heard Sartek’s security is a real bitch, so good job.”
With that, I left Heller and Blue Diamond and made my way over to a small table in the corner where I’d be able to eat with relative privacy. While I waited for my food to arrive, I listened to the soothing jazz tune, letting my tail twitch back and forth in time to the music. One of the many advantages of having a tail was I could dance with it while the rest of my body acted all cool and collected for anyone watching.
I leaned back and savored the music as I did a little people watching, though I tried not to look as though I was watching anyone. After all, most of the customers in this place were professional criminals and many of them could get touchy about their privacy. In fact, a few of the employees had also been in the business at one point, while the rest had family members who were.
Then I absently considered the owner of this place, or at least that fact that no one seemed to know just who the owner actually was. There were rumors of course, with one saying that the owner was some relative of Gizmatic, while another one said that the owner had been a big name villain back in the day, before retiring and opening this place. Of course, there were other rumors as well, though no one seemed to know the truth, not even the employees I’d talked to.
Brandi brought my dinner over a short time later, but I had barely begun to eat when I noticed someone stepping into the club. I immediately tensed at the sight of Mauler standing at the entrance, looking grim and dangerous. However, he’d come without his armor, which meant that he wasn’t really much of a threat. After all, Mauler was a prop man, and by nature, prop men just aren’t as dangerous without their props.
Mauler saw me and gave me a cold and very hostile glare as he started towards my table. “Bowser,” I exclaimed cheerfully. “Nice to see you again. What has it been…like a couple days?”
“If you call me that again,” he said with a snarl, “I’ll make you regret it.”
That just made me grin more, pleased that I’d struck some kind of nerve. After all, I would have called him Tin Man since he didn’t have a heart, but there had actually been a super hero by that name and I didn’t want to confuse matters.
“So, Bowser,” I continued cheerfully, leaning back in my chair and acting casual. “What can I do for you?”
Mauler snarled furiously but didn’t follow through on his threat. I might not be considered a heavy hitter, but he’d probably realized that without his armor, he didn’t stand a chance against me. Because of that, among a few other reasons, I was actually feeling pretty safe at the moment, or at least as safe as you could be in a club filled with people who could juggle tanks or shoot death rays from their eyes.
“Give me the chip,” Mauler demanded.
“That’s not how these negotiations go,” I pointed out with a grin. “You need to make me an offer first…and then I make a counteroffer…and so on.”
“How about this,” Mauler threatened. “Give me the chip or I kill you.”
I made a show of rubbing my chin and acting as though I was considering it, then I shook my head. “Nope.”
Mauler took another step towards me and cracked his knuckles. “I don’t think you understand…”
“Oh, I understand,” I responded with a smirk. “I just don’t care. There is a difference.”
Mauler was starting to get pissed off, which was no surprise. If I hadn’t been so caught up with greed and the challenge of pulling a heist on Sartek, I probably would have been able to read the schmuck a little better, and then I could have avoided this whole mess in the first place
Mauler was a typical bully, the kind of thug who thought he was a total badass and that everyone else should jump in line or get out of his way. But even worse than that, he thought he had all the angles figured out too…and he was just smart enough to be dangerous. That was a bad combination.
“What a maroon,” I exclaimed with an exaggerated roll of my eyes. Mauler was getting more pissed off by the second, which only made me smirk more. “You obviously don’t understand how the whole negotiation thing works.”
“So, you’re willing to cross the White Lady,” Mauler said, beginning to smirk himself. I could see the harsh gleam in his eyes and his certainty that he had me over a barrel. “You’re not only willing to make me an enemy…but her as well.”
“You know, that’s kind of funny,” I mused, gesturing dismissively. “I mean, when I offered to sell the chip to the White Lady a couple hours ago, she had no interest in it…” Mauler’s eyes widened slightly at that revelation, making me grin even more. “In fact, she says she’s never even heard of it…and now she seems a little upset at you for some reason…”
“I’ll give you ten thousand for it,” Mauler spat out reluctantly.
I gave an exaggerated pout. “Only ten thousand?” Then I scowled and pointed out, “So, you want to just give me a fraction of what you already owe me…? No, I don’t think so. Give me and the others what you already owe us…including Monkeywrench…and then we’ll negotiate for the chip.”
“Enough of these games,” Mauler exclaimed, suddenly drawing a pistol that had been holstered behind his back. He pointed the gun straight at my chest and demanded, “Give me that chip NOW!”
Unlike a lot of people in the biz, I never bragged about my powers or explained how they worked. Because of that, I still had a lot of tricks up my sleeve and was able to keep surprising my enemies. I just remained where I was, confidently smirking at Mauler and silently daring him to shoot, though I also concentrated all the energy in my aura into one area.
“Fine then,” Mauler stated, pulling the trigger and shooting me…right into the invisible PK shield I’d created over my chest. It was only about the size of a dinner plate, but it was positioned right where he’d been aiming. When I didn’t even flinch from being shot, Mauler’s eyes went wide in surprise. After all, I wasn’t known for being bulletproof. “What the hell…?”
“Go fish,” I told Mauler with an evil grin. “Now it’s my turn…”
Just then, Brandi appeared beside us, giving a cheerful smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes as she said, “Excuse me, but I’m going to have to ask you to put your weapon away.”
“I don’t think so,” Mauler snarled. “This bitch and I still have business…”
“We have several rooms in the back where you can discuss your business,” Brandi pointed out cheerfully. “All we ask is that you do so peacefully so that you don’t disturb the other customers.”
I glanced around and noticed that just about everyone in the bar was watching us, though no one made any move to interfere. Instead, a few of them were making bets with each other about what was going to happen, and all of them seemed satisfied with just sitting back and watching the free entertainment.
“Please, sir,” Brandi urged Mauler again. “If you put away the weapon, I can take your drink order…”
“Fuck off,” Mauler snapped at her.
“Sir,” Brandi tried one more time, this time looking serious. When Mauler didn’t comply, she said, “Then I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave the premises.”
Mauler suddenly snapped around and aimed the gun at her. “I said fuck off…”
“You shouldn’t have done that,” I pointed out in a sing-song voice.
“I’m afraid that you are now banned for one month,” Brandi told Mauler as she reached for her bracelet. A moment later, there was a flash of red and Mauler was gone…forcibly ejected from the Black Mask. Brandi just gave me a friendly smile and asked, “Can I get you something to drink?”
“No thanks,” I told her. “I’m good.”
While Brandi walked off to go serve another customer, I just stared at the spot where Mauler had been standing and shook my head. Mauler obviously didn’t know much about the Black Mask or he would have known that all the waitresses doubled as bouncers, and in Brandi’s case…the hottest and bounciest bouncer around. Any of them could activate the ‘troublemaker ejection system’, which teleported the troublemakers right out of the club in an instant. And since Mauler had been banned for a month, he wouldn’t be able to even find the entrance again until then.
Unfortunately, Mauler’s actions had been amusing, but they’d also spoiled my dinner, which was annoying because that had been really good salmon. And almost as annoying as that was the fact that he’d stirred my curiosity and left me with a few questions I needed answered. Since he wasn’t selling that chip to the White Lady like he’d originally claimed, I wanted to know why he was really after it.
As I got up to leave, Blue Diamond asked, “Hey, Impy…how’d you take that shot? I mean, you’re not a brick, and if it had just been armor, you would have at least been knocked back…”
“Can you keep a secret, Diamond?” I asked her.
“Come on Honey, you know I can,” Diamond responded.
I leaned over to whisper in her ear and said, “So can I,” before I continued on my way out.
Blue Diamond burst out laughing, and just as I reached the door, she called out, “A round of Naughty Imps for everyone…on me.”
I grinned at that, hoping my drink made it to the menu. After all, there was something rather appealing to my ego about the idea of having a drink there named after little old me. However, as nice as that would be, I still had some business to take care of.
While I made my way back to where I’d hidden my bike, I pulled out my cell phone and made a call. “Hey, this is the Imp,” I said. “I’m calling in a favor…”
--------------------
New York, Tuesday evening, May 22nd, 2007
Superbad had no pretentions of being some trendy upscale club, and no one would ever mistake it as being a gastro pub, jazz club, or anything other than what it was…a bare bones sports bar. However, the one thing that set Superbad apart from nearly every other dive was the clientele, most of whom were blue collar super villains…the kind who usually weren’t successful enough to really make a living at it.
I walked through the doors of Superbad, feeling comfortable with the simple honest ‘barness’ of it all. Without a word, I went to the jukebox machine, slipped in some change, then smirked faintly as the sweet tunes of the Spice Girls began to fill the air. Then I casually strolled towards a table in the back corner and the man who was sitting there.
“Bob,” I greeted him with a broad grin. “Bobby…Bobbo…the Bobbinator…”
“You’re late, Imp,” Bob Zabrowski said with a sour look on his face.
“Just stopped to pick something up for you,” I said, setting a bag on the table in front of him. His eyes relaxed when he saw that it was a pastrami sandwich from his favorite deli. However, when I set a bottle of hot sauce down on the table in front of him, he gave me a look of pure hate. “Friends do these things…”
“We ain’t friends,” Bob reminded me grimly. “Not after what you did…”
“You’re right,” I responded with a shrug, giving him a little reminder of my own. “Friends don’t sell each other to be tortured and killed…”
Bob scowled at that. “It was just business…”
“No it wasn’t,” I corrected him, still keeping my tone friendly and casual. “You sold me out in exchange for the promise that Hexagoner would kill the guy who hurt you. That’s just plain old revenge, which is about as personal as you can get. Now, what I did back, that was just business. After all, if word got out that I let you get away with selling me out like that, it would ruin my rep.”
“How much more are you going to do this?” he demanded, taking a drink from his beer.
“You remember the deal,” I stated.
Bob nodded at that, holding up his hand and staring at the stump where his little finger had been. It was healing up nicely. “I owe you nine favors…one for each finger you didn’t cut off.”
“And this is favor number one,” I reminded him cheerfully. “Now, what do you have for me?”
Without a word, Bob slid two folders to me, one of them containing everything he could dig up on Mauler while the other was for the chip. I looked over the folder for Mauler first, finding that there was very little in there that I hadn’t gotten from my other sources before my first meeting with him.
The Mauler, AKA Tyler Reins, had served in the US Army, and after he got out, he went into the Knights of Purity where he was a power armor jockey, piloting a suit of their Shortstop armor. The KoP was an odd organization, sort of a cross between being a high tech private security force, mercenary thugs, and a torch wielding lynch mob. They hired themselves out to deal with ‘dangerous mutants’, but by their definition, every mutant was a dangerous threat that needed to be stopped. They were basically what would happen if you took the KKK, gave them power armor, and then let them hire themselves out as ‘peacekeepers’ in Harlem.
The report matched some of the rumors I’d heard about Mauler, though it did provide a few more details. Reins and his KoP unit had uncovered a cache of armor and weapons from the lab of a devisor named Major Upgrade, who’d been killed shortly before, and they ‘confiscated’ them. However, before the armor and weapons could be turned over to whoever usually collected that stuff, Reins stole it all and disappeared. When he finally showed up again a couple months later, it was as the Mauler.
I set Mauler’s file down, then reached over to the pack of cigarettes Bob had sitting next to him on the table. After helping myself to one, I took a long drag and blew a stream of smoke out to the side before asking, “So, what’s up with the chip?” I opened the chip folder to look at those notes.
“The chip you stole is actually a devise,” Bob explained, lighting a cigarette of his own. “Made by Major Upgrade….”
“Really?” I asked, glancing through the file until I saw where it said that. I didn’t miss the fact that this chip had been created by the same man who made Mauler’s armor and weapons.
“Apparently,” Bob continued gruffly, “the chip contains some kind of nanite package with an AI hardwired into it...and was designed by Major Upgrade so that all he had to do was plug it into any of the devises he built…and it would automatically upgrade them for him.”
“Any devise he built,” I mused, immediately realizing why Mauler wanted the thing. “Bowser wants to upgrade his armor…”
Bob nodded at that. “That’s my guess. The armor was pretty good when it was first built, but that was a few years ago so it’s falling behind the newer suits… And without Major Upgrade to repair it, the thing is probably starting to fall apart. From what I understand, all that Mauler has to do is plug this chip into the armor, and it will not only fix any problems, but also make it better than new…literally. And who knows how much more powerful he’ll become.”
“So, Mauler wants to boost his mojo,” I mused, now understanding exactly why he’d been so eager to get his hands on that chip. His entire future career might very well depend on it. “So, all this was just so he could get some Viagra for his armor.”
“Something like that,” Bob agree, chuckling faintly in spite of himself.
“And the ebidium?” I asked.
“I don’t know who bought it from him,” Bob admitted, looking rather annoyed by his failure to get that information. “But I did find out that over the last couple days, he’s been spending a lot of cash buying up any equipment that Major Upgrade left behind. It looks like he’s buying up all the spare parts and weapons he can, preparing for an upgrade.”
“And all funded by the ebidium,” I stated grimly.
Bob nodded at that, taking a long drink of his beer and then giving me a thoughtful look, one that suggested he had something more to say but was trying to determine whether or not he should. Finally, he said, “From what I hear, that chip isn’t good news. It’s the last thing Major Upgrade ever made, and he ended up dying because of it.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, giving Bob a sharp look. “You mean that someone killed him over this thing?’
“Not exactly,” Bob continued with a shake of his head. “Apparently, Major Upgrade tested the thing by plugging it into some android butler he built. The android got upgraded all right, but also turned dangerous…real dangerous. It killed Major Upgrade and went on a rampage, killing about a dozen people before the STAR League brought it down.”
I nodded at that and continued flipping through file in front of me, then paused when I noticed the date when the STAR League had first recovered the chip. “What do you know,” I mused aloud. “It looks like Mauler was probably cleaning up after this mess when he found the armor…”
Bob and I sat there for another fifteen minutes, talking more about Mauler and the chip while he ate the pastrami sandwich I brought him. To my disappointment, he didn’t even touch the hot sauce, and when I reminded him of it, he just gave me a dirty glare. This was almost like old times, back before Bob had betrayed me.
When I got up to leave, Bob said, “Hey, Imp…” I paused and gave him a curious look. “Some of those hero types have been hanging around the area lately and asking questions. Be careful.”
“Thanks,” I told him, giving him a nod before I hurried out of the bar.
I had barely stepped out of Superbad and was starting towards where I’d left my bike, when a voice called out from above, “Halt, evildoer…”
I paused and looked up, not really surprised to see Brandywine floating in the air a short distance away. Obviously, she’d been keeping a close watch on the bar, though Bob had just finished telling me as much.
“Halt evildoer?” I asked with a snort. “Really? Who writes your dialog…a five year old?”
Then before Brandywine could respond, I tore off, running as fast as I could. I didn’t bother running towards my bike since I’d be able to slip away more easily without it. Instead, I ran towards the building next door, then began scrambling up the wall, climbing it as easily as if I’d been Spider Man...Woman.
“Oh no you don’t,” Brandywine exclaimed, and I was suddenly pulled up from the roof by her power and was held in the air. However, I just shifted my aura the same way I had at Sartek, and once again I completely slipped out of her grasp and hit the roof of the building. Brandywine snarled in frustration and demanded, “How do you do that?”
“Fast as fast can be, you’ll never catch me,” I called back, pausing to look up at her and blow her a raspberry.
It was only then that I really noticed that unlike at Sartek, she was wearing a pair of goggles with green lenses. Since it was pretty late out, I suspected that they were night vision goggles of some type. However, what really caught my attention was the fact that she had some sort of high tech weapon strapped to her back, one that looked like some energy cannons I’d seen. And she was pulling it out to aim at me.
“Neener neener neener,” I taunted her, pausing to shake my butt and tail at her before I began running off again.
Brandywine fired her weapon at me, shooting a large projectile. I dove to the side, then glanced back and saw some kind of metal mesh net spread over the ground where I’d been standing.
“You know,” I said with a smirk, “you really shouldn’t buy your doodads from Acme… They’ve got poor quality control, their customer service sucks, and they don’t even give out warranties… I mean, you should see how badly the Better Business Bureau rated them…”
“Will you shut up?” Brandywine snarled, taking another shot at me.
“Wow,” I commented as I dove to the side to avoid the net. “That thing looks like something you order off the Home Shopping Network late at night… It slices…it dices…it makes julienne fries… And if you order now, we’ll throw in this handy dandy butt scratcher, absolutely free…”
Then I suddenly noticed that Brandywine was smirking, which made me snap around and see that the second net she’d fired had changed direction in mid-air, and was now coming straight at me. I started to move again, but it was too late. Brandywine used her telekinesis to throw the net at me, pinning me to the roof of the building.
“Ooooh,” I mocked her. “Wile E. Coyote…super genius. You’ve finally caught me and have me right where I want you.”
“Now then,” Brandywine said as she lowered herself to the roof, looking quite pleased with herself. “I’m taking you in.”
“Are you?” I asked with an innocent look, that probably didn’t come off as very innocent due to my devilish good looks. With that, I focused the energy from my aura around my hands, forming it into PK claws which I used to slice through the metal net with ease. Brandywine gasped in surprise while I just gave her a wink and exclaimed, “Meep meep,” before sticking out my tongue and then running again.
“You’re not going to get away,” Brandywine yelled, obviously starting to get pissed.
I just stopped and innocently asked, “Are you sure?” But before she could answer, I commented in my best Snagglepus voice, “Exit…stage left even.”
With that, I threw a smoke bomb at the ground in front of me, doing my usual ‘ninja vanish’ trick. As soon as the explosion of smoke covered me, I jumped back and used my aura to blend into my surroundings. Since I wasn’t sure just how effective Brandywine’s goggles were, I used my aura to hide my temperature as well as my visible appearance.
“Damn,” Brandywine exclaimed as she looked right past me without even a hint of realizing I was there. “He told me she always teleported away when cornered, but…” She shook her head with a look of disgust and frustration.
I remained perfectly still, watching silently as Brandywine looked around, muttering profanities the entire time. It was all I could do just to keep from laughing, which would have given me away and ruined everything. Fortunately, I have a lot of experience in keeping myself under control in this kind of situation.
After a minute, Brandywine finally reached up to her ear and activated a radio, announcing, “This is Brandywine. I just found and lost the Imp. I’m coming back so we can discuss our next move.”
Brandywine levitated up into the air and then flew away while I watched for a moment before deciding to follow after her. I came out of hiding and then ran to the edge of the building, where I focused all the energy from my aura to my legs, giving me an extra boost as I jumped. I hit the next building and kept moving, ignoring just how dark the roof was. One of the advantages of my unusual…exotic eyes was that I had incredible night vision. I continued moving as quickly as I could, leaping from building to building, climbing around some, and then even hopping down to ride on top of several vehicles, making sure the entire time to keep Brandywine in sight. She didn’t fly as fast as Chickenhawk, but she was still slowly gaining on me.
Just as I thought Brandywine was about to get too far ahead of me, she began to descend, sinking down behind some buildings so I lost sight of her. I grimaced at that but continued following her, or at least going to where I’d last seen her. A short time later, I was hanging on the side of a building, hidden from view and looking down at the street below. This was where I’d lost Brandywine, but there were several directions she could have gone…or several buildings she could have gone into.
As I continued looking, I absently sang, “Where oh where has my little drunk gone, where oh where can she be…?”
Then I suddenly saw something that made me grin, even though it wasn’t Brandywine. What caught my attention was the sight of green boots, visible beneath the trench coat that covered the rest of the body. Though he was obviously trying to cover up and avoid attention, much the way I myself often did when I went out in public, there was no hiding those emerald boots.
The Emerald Avenger walked into a hotel, making me grin and swing my tail back and forth excitedly. I’d found them…or at least what building they were in. By the time I got through the door, the Emerald Underwear would probably be too far in for me to follow, but there were other ways. With that, I went over to the hotel and began to climb the wall, keeping myself hidden from view as I did so. I was going to find what I was looking for, even if I had to play peeping tom through every window.
While I searched, I quietly sang to myself, “Pri-vate eyes, they’re watching you… They’re watching your ev-ery move…”
It took nearly half an hour, but I finally found the window I was looking for on the fourth floor. One peek inside and I saw all four of the Shielders, sitting around the room in their costumes, though the Emerald Underwear did have his mask off. It would have been awesome if I’d recognized him as some celebrity, but to my disappointment, I had absolutely no idea who he was.
I watched the heroes for a minute, smirking faintly as I did so. However, as fun as it was to spy on them without their knowing on it, listening in on their conversation would be a little more useful. With that, I put my hand against the window, right next to where it was latched. It took a lot of concentration and effort to extend my aura through the window to flip the latch, especially while also maintaining my wall crawling and keeping myself hidden from view. However, it worked and I was able to pop the window open without having to cut the glass.
“Not nearly as thrilling as stealing a Van Gogh from a penthouse,” I mused to myself with a satisfied smirk. “But this will do for now.”
“I had her,” Brandywine exclaimed from the room. “I literally had her tied up and was about to bring her in…”
“And she escaped,” Fuzzy Wuzzy finished with a snort. “How could you let the Imp escape…? You know we need her…”
“I REALLY want to put her behind bars,” the Emerald Underwear snarled. “Do you know how humiliating it is getting taken out by a wedgie?”
“Probably about as bad as being treated like some kind of stooge from an old cartoon,” Brandywine snapped. “God, I’m just lucky she didn’t try dropping an anvil on my head… After what my brother told me about her, I wouldn’t put it past her…”
“Anvil, check,” I mused, making mental notes. “Maybe I should look into getting a piano too…”
Miss Magic just sat back, watching this exchange with a thoughtful expression. Finally, she turned to Brandywine. “You’ve said that your brother has a great deal of experience dealing with the Imp. Perhaps we should consult him.”
Brandywine let out an exasperated sigh, then admitted, “I really don’t want to do that. Let’s just say, I’ve given him a hard time about how many times the Imp got away from him…”
“I hear crow tastes better with a little garlic,” Miss Magic pointed out with a faint smile.
Brandywine grumbled for a few minutes before saying, “Fine…”
“What was the number?” the Emerald Underwear asked as he picked up an odd looking phone. After Brandywine gave him the number, he made the call, then set the phone down onto the coffee table in speaker mode.
After a man’s voice answered, Brandywine grimaced and said, “I’m sorry to bother you this late, Super Hawk, but I need your help…” I doubted that she called her brother by his codename when they normally talked on the phone, so guessed that this was just her subtle way of telling him that there were other people listening in.
“Okay,” he responded in a professional tone, sounding just a little curious. “What do you need?”
Brandywine hesitated a moment before answering, “The Imp.”
“The Imp?” he asked, sounding a little surprised. “What about her?”
“Let’s just say, I regret giving you a hard time about not being able to catch her,” the white haired woman said awkwardly. “She’s a slippery devil…and frustrating too…”
To my surprise, Chickenhawk burst out laughing. “Yes, that description fits her pretty well.” After a moment, he asked, “Okay, so what’s going on that has you asking about the Imp?”
The Emerald Underwear said, “Last Thursday, Imp was part of a group of villains who broke into a facility owned by one of our clients. They got away with a large amount of ebidium and very dangerous computer chip.”
“Ebidium?” Chickenhawk asked.
“A rare metal,” Brandywine explained. “And not really relevant anymore. Our sources indicate that it’s already been sold to an unidentified buyer and moved out of the area. We’ve lost the ebidium but we’re still trying to recover the chip.”
“Our clients are being pretty insistent about it,” the Emerald Underwear added.
Fuzzy Wuzzy snorted. “They were supposed to have destroyed the thing a couple years ago, and apparently, they really don’t want to have to explain why they didn’t.”
“Anyway,” Brandywine said, glaring at Fuzzy Wuzzy, perhaps because he’d said more than he should. “The Mauler seems to have been the one in charge, and we were trying to follow up on him, but over the last few days he’s been running around the city trying to find the Imp. We figure she betrayed him and ran off with the chip, so now we need to recover it from her before Mauler finds her.”
“So now you need my help with her,” Chickenhawk finished with a sigh I could hear over the phone. “Unfortunately, I’m caught up with something else or I’d be happy to help you…”
“All we really need is a little advice,” Brandywine said. “Anything you can tell us about her.”
“I don’t see why we’re asking him,” Fuzzy Wuzzy grumbled, absently scratching at his muzzle. “If he knew how to catch the Imp, he would have done it a long time ago. The fact is, all you have to do is grab her tail like I did last week.”
“You grabbed her tail?” Chickenhawk demanded from the speaker phone.
“Yeah,” Fuzzy Wuzzy responded with a chuckle. “It’s like her achilles tail. Took the fight right out of her.”
“You have no idea what you’ve done,” Chickenhawk grimly announced. “I’ve been fighting the Imp for years and I have just one piece of advice. NEVER pull her tail. She takes it personally.”
Fuzzy Wuzzy snorted dismissively at that. “Well boo hoo… I certainly wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings.”
“Polarstorm,” Chickenhawk said carefully. “As far as Imp is concerned, this is all some kind of game…and games have rules. I may not know what rules she’s playing by, but I’m sure she does play by them.”
I listened carefully, finding it interesting to discover exactly how my old opponent viewed me. It was also nice to see that he’d learned his lesson about pulling my tail, especially after all the trouble I’d taken to set it up.
“Once this stops being a game to her,” Chickenhawk continued grimly, “the rules go out the window. The one time I grabbed her tail, it ended up with me hanging upside down in Times Square…in nothing but my mask and underwear.”
“Ouch,” the Emerald Underwear said while I just smirked at the fond memories.
“I’m a big boy,” Fuzzy Wuzzy responded with a loud guffaw. “I’m not worried about a little runt like her.”
There was a long pause before Chickenhawk asked, “Have you ever heard of the Crimson Kid?”
“Should we have?” Miss Magic asked.
“Look up what happened to him,” Chickenhawk answered. “Trust me, you do NOT want to be on the Imp’s personal shit list.”
I smirked at that. If I hadn’t been clinging onto the side of the building while remaining invisible, I would have been smugly buffing my nails.
“What can you tell us about her powers?” Brandywine asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.
“I believe she’s a low level exemplar,” Chickenhawk said, “but I don’t know for certain. There are no records of her ever having had official power testing, so I can only go off what I’ve seen. She has regeneration, can cling to walls, become as slippery as grease, and has claws that can cut through steel.”
“I wish you’d warned me about the claws ahead of time,” Brandywine muttered.
“She definitely isn’t a brick,” Chickenhawk continued, “but I once saw her take a gunshot without flinching, and I’ve heard from a reliable source that she punched a high level exemplar and broke his nose.”
“And she can teleport,” Brandywine pointed out wryly. “I saw that one myself.”
“Did she use the ‘ninja vanish’ line?” Chickenhawk asked curiously, “or the ‘exit, stage left’ one?”
Brandywine hesitated a moment before admitting, “The Snagglepuss one.”
I pouted for a moment, suddenly wondering if I was getting too predictable. However, I was relieved to find that Chickenhawk still didn’t understand how my powers really worked, and he’d given them a lot of incorrect information. For one thing, I wasn’t an exemplar, and for another, I couldn’t actually teleport.
“I wonder if she might be using some kind of misdirection,” Miss Magic mused, looking thoughtful. I was suddenly a little worried that she was starting to get on the right track, but let out a sigh of relief as she continued, “Perhaps she’s a low level magic user…using various spells to temporarily simulate powers…”
“I’ve always suspected she might be an avatar,” Chickenhawk added.
“Regardless of how her powers work,” the Emerald Underwear said, “we still have to find her. Can you help us with that?”
“If he knew how to find her,” Brandywine pointed out, “he would have caught her a long time ago.”
There was a pause before Chickenhawk admitted, “Once she gets away with the chip, you’re unlikely to ever recover it from her. The only time a painting she swiped has ever been recovered, is either because the buyer slips up or it gets anonymously donated to some museum a few years later.”
“We NEED to find that chip,” Brandywine insisted with a note of desperation. “And not just because our clients are breathing down our necks. That thing is dangerous…extremely dangerous. If it ends up in the wrong hands, a lot of people could die.”
Chickenhawk let out a loud sigh. “I’ll ask some contacts if they know where to find her, but I’m pretty sure it won’t do much good.”
“Well, thanks anyway,” Brandywine told him. “I appreciate the information.”
“So, after that, we still have to find that ugly bitch ourselves,” Fuzzy Wuzzy grumbled.
“Polarstorm,” Chickenhawk said, sounding exasperated. “I sure hope you didn’t call her that to her face, because if you did, you might as well have just dared her to come after you.”
“Then that sounds like a plan,” the Emerald Underwear said with a chuckle. “We’ll just use Polarstorm as bait to draw her to us.”
I frowned, a little insulted that Fuzzy Wuzzy had just called me an ugly bitch, though my thoughts were even more focused on what Brandywine had said about that computer chip. It actually fit with what Bob had told me about it.
“I wish I’d never agreed to that job,” I grumbled, also wishing I’d never set eyes on that chip. “It’s turning out to be more trouble than its worth…”
I let out a sigh, remembering why I usually stuck to just ripping off artwork. I never…or at least rarely had this much trouble over some painting, and I usually didn’t have to worry about people dying as a result either.
With that, I pulled my Imp phone out of a pouch and dialed in a number I’d learned just a short time ago. A moment later, I heard Chickenhawk on the speaker phone saying, “Just a minute. I’ve got another call.”
“Hey Chickenhawk,” I greeted him when he picked up.
“IMP!” he exclaimed, obviously shocked at having me call him like that. “How did you get this number?” When I didn’t answer, he demanded, “What do you want?”
I grinned as I answered, “A beach front condo in Karedonia, a date with Johnny Depp, and for you to conference me in with the Shielders.”
“WHAT?” Chickenhawk blurted out. A moment later, I heard him over the speaker phone inside the room. “You know the old saying about speaking of the devil… Well…I have the Imp on the other line…and she’s asking to talk to you.”
All of the Shielders jumped up and gasped in surprise, making a lot of noise. I backed up a little, just to make sure I could keep talking on the phone without them hearing me through the window the same way I was listening in on them.
“We can trace her call,” Brandywine exclaimed with a grin. Then she seemed to deflate a little as she added, “If we actually had the equipment with us…”
“And if her call wasn’t coming up as unlisted with no phone number,” Chickenhawk added. “I don’t know what she’s up to, but here’s your opportunity to talk to her.”
With that, Chickenhawk conferenced me into the conversation, and I immediately exclaimed, “HellOOOO nurse!”
“Imp,” the Emerald Underwear responded with a grimace. “We’ve been trying to reach you…”
“So I noticed,” I responded cheerfully. “I just hope you didn’t get your phone from Acme, because I wouldn’t want it blowing up while we’re talking…”
“Don’t worry about that,” Brandywine said with a scowl. “What do you want? Did you just call in order to taunt us?”
I gave a mock pout, even though none of them could see it. “Oh, you sound so hostile… Do you have a problem with little old me? Just to let you know, I have nothing personal against the Emerald Underwear, Miss Showgirl, or the Alcoholic…but Fuzzy Wuzzy on the other hand…”
“Did she just call me the Emerald Underwear?” the garishly clad hero demanded.
“Get used to it,” Chickenhawk replied with a loud sigh.
“Now, let’s get down to business,” I stated, keeping my voice cheerful and friendly. “I happen to have found this cute little computer chip that followed me home…”
“That chip belongs to Sartek, you thief,” the Emerald Underwear exclaimed. “We’re going to return it to its rightful owners.”
“The rightful owner is Major Upgrade,” I pointed out, “or at least his heirs. Sartek takes other people’s property, break it up, and then sells the pieces for a tidy profit. They’re nothing but a glorified chop shop and you guys are just mercenaries with good PR. Now, stop trying to act self-righteous or I’ll just take my ball and go home. There are plenty of other people who are willing to play ball with me.”
“What do you want, Imp?” Brandywine demanded in a cold tone.
I thought about repeating the line I’d given Chickenhawk, but instead, I simply said, “I have the chip and you want it, so let’s deal. I already have an offer on the table for fifty thousand so I won’t accept a penny below that.”
They put me on mute and quickly chatted amongst themselves, seeming both delighted by this opportunity to recover the chip and horrified at the idea of actually paying for it. I listened as they got all self-righteous about it too, which wasn’t surprising. However, I think it was the possibility of losing the chip entirely that settled the matter.
Finally, Brandywine unmuted the call and said, “Fine. Let’s deal.”
--------------------
New York, Wednesday morning, May 23rd, 2007
Central Park was the definitive park in New York, occupying nearly 850 acres in the middle of Manhattan and providing a scenic place for kids to play, adults to relax, and for drunks and crazies to hang out. And unfortunately…or fortunately, depending on your perspective…it was also the closest that a lot of New Yorkers had ever come to nature.
For the last two hours, I’d been seeing the Central Park scenery up close and personal from the tree branch I was currently crouched on. I wasn’t hiding up in a tree merely for fresh air or to get in touch with nature, but to keep an eye on the area without being seen. And as uncomfortable as this had been, I was glad that I’d done this since I wasn’t the only one who was setting up a watch, merely the one who’d arrived first.
Last night, I’d made a deal with the Shielders, agreeing to sell them the computer chip for a mere sixty thousand dollars. I had no doubt that I could get more for it elsewhere, but I had a feeling that the thing was more trouble than it was worth. I was more than happy to sell it cheap since I not only washed my hands of the thing, but also got a little extra spending cash for my trouble. However, after making this deal with the Shielders and hanging up the phone, I’d hung around outside their hotel window for a bit longer, listening in as they made plans to screw me over.
I’d arrived at the scheduled meeting spot two hours early, just so I could watch the Shielders as they prepared to stab me in the back. The deal was that only two of them would be there for the exchange, so as I expected, almost an hour ago, Miss Magic and the Emerald Eyesore had both arrived and then disguised themselves with some of her illusions. She now looked like some jogger taking a casual stroll around the area, while he appeared to be a homeless guy.
“At least his fashion sense seems better like this,” I mused with a faint smirk.
When the time arrived for the meeting, Brandywine and Fuzzy Wuzzy arrived…having flown here, courtesy of Brandywine’s telekinesis. They landed just a short distance away from the tree where I was hiding, having made quite an entrance. If the entrance alone hadn’t marked them both as paranormals, Brandywine’s costume and the fact that Fuzzy Wuzzy looked like a humanoid polar bear would have.
As all intelligent New Yorkers knew, or at least the ones who wanted to stay alive, it was always a good idea to give any paranormal plenty of room. Most of the people nearby suddenly found other places to be, though the ‘jogger’ and ‘homeless man’ remained where they were, which made them stand out all the more.
“Do you think she’s really going to show?” Fuzzy Wuzzy gruffly demanded of Brandywine.
“I hope so,” Brandywine responded with a scowl. “This is certainly a lot easier than chasing after her. But if Sartek wasn’t breathing down our necks about recovering that chip…”
“Yeah, I know,” Fuzzy Wuzzy snorted. “Our reputation is on the line…”
“And our careers,” she reminded him. “If we come off looking like we can’t do the job, we’ll lose our clients. And without paying clients…”
“We don’t get paid,” the polar bear nodded agreement.
Brandywine gave her companion a flat look and said, “I was going to say, that without paying clients, we won’t be able to afford our headquarters, equipment, or other operational costs. But you are right, we wouldn’t get paid either.”
Fuzzy Wuzzy chuckled at that. “You’ve got to remember the important things.”
Almost in spite of myself, I found myself nodding in agreement. “Well,” I mused, “I guess it’s time for me to get paid.”
With that, I slowly climbed down the tree, keeping myself hidden from view until I was back on the ground. Only then did I drop my aura’s stealth effect, so as far as any of the Shielders were concerned, it merely looked like I’d just stepped out from behind the tree. Fuzzy Wuzzy and Brandywine both jumped slightly, though they quickly tried to hide it.
“Hey, Fuzzy,” I said, grinning at the polar bear. “I brought you a present…”
With that, I tossed a red baseball cap to him, an oversized one that looked to be about the right size to fit him. When he caught the cap and saw the Coca Cola logo right on the front, he actually growled. “Are you trying to get me sued?” He dropped the cap on the ground with a look of disgust, or at least what I thought was a look of disgust. It was hard to tell with him.
“Does Coca Cola know you’re moonlighting?” I asked with a gasp of mock horror. “Don’t tell me you’re working for Pepsi…”
“Where’s the chip?” Brandywine asked, her eyes firmly locked on me.
“Did you bring my money?” I responded cheerfully.
Brandywine held up a duffel bag, then repeated, “Where’s the chip?”
“I don’t have it on me, silly,” I told her with a wide grin, standing there and casually flicking my tail back and forth as though I wasn’t the least bit concerned. “I wouldn’t want you to have any silly ideas about grabbing me and the chip so you wouldn’t have to pay…”
“We had a deal,” Fuzzy Wuzzy pointed out, giving me a glare that made me suddenly feel as though I was about to be mauled to death by a bear. However, I refused to show any sign of being nervous and just continued grinning, as though I didn’t have a care in the world.
“Yes we do,” I agreed. “Let me make sure the money is there, then I’ll give you the chip. I mean, I wouldn’t want to try kicking the football, only to have you yank it away at the last second…”
“So, you’re saying that you don’t trust us,” Brandywine commented. “Ironic, considering that you’re the one who stole the chip in the first place…”
When I just continued standing there with a cheerful smile, she tossed the duffel towards me. I bent over to unzip it, carefully keeping an eye on her and her furry friend while simultaneously looking into the bag. It certainly looked like a lot of cash, with a bunch of hundred dollar bills all wrapped up into nice bundles. I just held my hand over the bag, not letting the heroes see the small green marble that I was holding in my palm. It was actually a magic bauble, a little something that I’d acquired from a magic user, which would glow in the presence of magic. As I’d expected, it was definitely glowing.
“Unfortunately,” I said, looking up at Brandywine and still grinning, “Our deal was for cash…not paper clippings.” I took an exaggerated sniff. “Smells like the Sunday edition. You know, I love the Sunday funny pages…especially Heathcliff. That guy cracks me up.”
Brandywine and Fuzzy Wuzzy both looked surprised that I’d caught them in their con, though I’d known what to expect from the first. Last night, I’d listened in when the Shielders had talked about having Miss Magic cast an illusion onto some paper clippings so that they looked like money, then using that to buy the chip off me. Brandywine and Miss Magic had both been for that plan, though Fuzzy Wuzzy and the Emerald Underwear had both wanted to just grab me as soon as I showed up, then force me to give them the chip. Needless to say, I hadn’t been thrilled with either plan, and the only reason I’d bothered to show up was that they’d eventually realized that they needed the chip even more than they wanted to catch me. Whether they liked it or not, they were prepared to pay me for real…if they had no other choice. And of course, my plan was to make sure they didn’t have that choice.
“That’s it,” Fuzzy Wuzzy snarled, taking a menacing step towards me.
“You do that and you’ll never get the chip,” I pointed out calmly, not letting the grin leave my face. “I came ready to deal, fair and square, so if you guys don’t want to play, I’ll just take my ball and go home. I figured it would be a lot easier to just sell the thing to you guys, but I do have other buyers…”
“Don’t,” Brandywine warned Fuzzy Wuzzy, giving me a glare. “As soon as you tried anything, she’d just teleport away…”
I just grinned and stuck my tongue out at Fuzzy Wuzzy, delighted that my fake teleporting trick was getting so much mileage. In fact, I just might have to make up a whole bunch of new super powers too, like death beams from my eyes or something.
“My Imp senses are tingling,” I announced, holding my fingers to my temple as if I was getting some kind of psychic vision. “They’re telling me that you really did bring the money…along with more than the two people we’d agreed on.” I waved my finger as I added, “Naughty naughty.” Then I gestured to the apparent homeless man, whom I’d seen arriving with a duffel bag of his own. “Now have the Emerald Underwear bring over the money and we can finish this deal. If not, I take my ball and go home…”
Brandywine glared at me, then gestured to the Emerald Underwear and Miss Magic. “A psychic,” she muttered under hear breath, making me have to fight back a giggle. “That explains so much…”
Miss Magic dropped the illusions covering her and the Emerald Underwear, and the two of them started towards us. Miss Magic looked annoyed that I’d seen through their trick, though the Emerald Underwear was the one who seemed to be taking it personally. He glared as he tossed the second duffel bag to the ground in front of me. Without saying a word, I bent over to take a look, once again using my magic detecting bauble. This time, it flickered only a tiny bit, not nearly as much as when all the money had really just been an illusion.
“Where’s the chip?” the Emerald Underwear demanded.
I just flipping my finger through one of the stacks of cash and verified that it wasn’t just a stack of ones with a hundred on the top and bottom. I wasn’t going to take the time to count it all right there, but it looked to be about the right amount. Of course, I didn’t doubt that they’d try to cheat me out of the full amount if they thought they could get away with it, but they’d already tried that gambit and failed.
“This should do it,” I said, zipping up the duffel bag and then reaching into one of my belt pouches for the chip. I tossed it to Brandywine and said, “Here you go.”
“You said you didn’t have the chip on you,” Brandywine pointed out, giving me a flat glare.
I just grinned back. “I lied.”
Then, as I was backing away so I could get out of there, I saw something flying at me from the corner of my eye. I immediately started to jump out of the way, but a long length of chain hit me and began wrapping around me until I was tied up almost like a mummy. It only took me a second to realize what had happened, that Brandywine had used her powers to hit me from behind while I was distracted.
“I may not be able to hold you directly,” the hero announced, looking almost smug. “But I can still hold you this way…”
Miss Magic had out her cane and quickly began saying something in a strange language I couldn’t understand. When she finished, she said, “No one should be able to teleport in this area for a short time…long enough to keep the Imp from escaping.”
I snarled in frustration, annoyed at myself because I hadn’t been expecting this. I’d listened in on their plans last night, and they’d never said anything about pulling either of these tricks, so it seemed that they’d come up with this sometime between then and now.
“We’ve got you now, you ugly little bitch,” Fuzzy Wuzzy said as he picked up the duffel bag full of cash.
“Well, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black,” I commented. “You know, you ain’t exactly Prince Charming yourself, Fuzzy…”
“Now, where’s the ebidium?” Brandywine demanded of me.
“Bowser sold it on Ebay,” I responded with a cheerful grin, that obviously surprised them considering the circumstances.
“Do you have anything that can make her talk?” the Emerald Underwear asked Miss Magic.
“Actually,” Brandywine said, giving me a flat look. “I think that getting her to shut up is going to be the real problem.”
“Are you trying to imp-ly something?” I asked, still grinning.
“I do have a truth spell for interrogations,” Miss Magic commented, “but it takes some time to set up. I think we need to get her properly secured and turned over to the authorities, before my teleport block wears off…”
I just stood there, wrapped up in chains too tightly to really move. My hands were pinned to my sides and my tail was pinned to my leg, so I didn’t have enough mobility to really use my claws to cut free. However, I didn’t let that bother me at the moment and merely began humming the theme music from Jeopardy.
“Why doesn’t she seem worried?” Miss Magic asked, suddenly giving me a suspicious look.
“Tell us what you’re planning,” the Emerald Underwear demanded.
“Can you phrase that in the form of a question?” I responded.
Brandywine and the Emerald Underwear shared a look before Brandywine asked, “We have you captured…so why are you still grinning?”
“What is,” I replied with a smug grin, “I know something you don’t know?”
Just then, there was a rumbling sound that quickly grew louder…and closer. A moment later, a large black figure fell from the sky and hit the ground with a loud thud. I couldn’t move my body much, but I turned my head to get a good look at the new arrival, and then I let out a quick profanity when I saw who it was.
“Mauler,” I spat out, realizing that things had suddenly become much worse.
Not only had Mauler arrived in his power armor, but he hadn’t come alone. There were two robots that arrived with him, each humanoid and about human sized, made in a style somewhat similar to Mauler’s armor though smaller and sleeker. My guess was that these robots had been created by Major Upgrade, the devisor who’d created Mauler’s armor, and that these were some of the devises that Mauler had purchased with the ebidium money. However, neither robot looked as though it was in top condition. One had a lot of dents and scratches all over, while the other one looked like it was in good shape, except for a missing arm.
“That’s what the Imp was smiling about,” Fuzzy Wuzzy exclaimed. “The little bitch had the Mauler as backup…”
“He’s not mine,” I responded, annoyed that they’d think that.
“Imp,” Mauler called my name, making it almost sound like a threat. “I didn’t expect to find you wrapped up for me…”
“Oh yeah,” I responded with a roll of my eyes, working on the chains so I could escape. “I live to make things convenient for other people…”
“To think,” the Mauler mused as he started stomping in my direction. “I’d been worried about recovering that chip from you… But fortunately for me, a devise I recently purchased, was created by Major Upgrade for the purpose of tracking down any of his stolen technology… It led me directly to you…”
“This isn’t exactly a good time,” I told him with a forced smile. “I’m a little tied up at the moment. If you could come back in an hour or so…”
“I’ve been looking for an opportunity for a rematch,” Brandywine exclaimed, clearly remembering her fight with Mauler back at Sartek.
“Let’s tear him out of that tin can,” Fuzzy Wuzzy yelled a moment later, taking a deep breath and then letting out a loud roar...and a blizzard. A wave of cold shot out of his mouth, forming ice crystals all over the ground and one of the robots.
The Shielders all began attacking Mauler and his robots, which meant that they were no longer focusing on me. I was trapped and helpless at the moment, but not for long. I turned my full attention to the chains that were wrapped around me, grinning as they suddenly loosened.
When the chain had started to wrap around me a short time ago, I’d used my PK aura to try resisting it, putting every ounce of energy in it to the task of pushing back on the chain. My aura wasn’t strong or focused enough to be a force field, but I had been able to create enough resistance with it that the chain hadn’t been able to wrap tightly around me. Now that I’d released my aura, I had a lot of slack in the chain, and when I shifted my aura to become frictionless, I was easily able to slip out of the chains and get free.
“Oh no you don’t,” the Emerald Underwear yelled, right before a glowing green sphere formed around me, trapping me within. “You aren’t escaping that easily…”
“I tot I saw a puddy tat,” I gasped with a look of mock horror. “I did. I did see a puddy tat…”
“SHUT UP,” the Emerald Underwear snapped at me.
“I thought you guys would try something,” I told him cheerfully. “Like fake money, bringing more people than we’d agreed upon, or even trying to ambush me… I mean, there’s no honor among heroes…”
“I am going to enjoy gagging you,” the Emerald Underwear snarled.
I just teased back, “Ooooh, that sounds kinky, you naughty old puddy tat.” Then I grinned even more broadly as I pointed out, “By the way, you guys aren’t the only ones who can bring reinforcements…” With that, I let out a loud whistle.
Suddenly, a ‘homeless woman’ who’d been napping on a distant park bench, got up and tossed off her hat and oversized coat, revealing a red and white spandex costume. Pinball charged straight towards us, forming one of her transparent force field bubbles around herself. The Emerald Underwear saw her coming and dropped the force field bubble around me so he could create one around himself, right before Pinball hit and sent him flying back from the impact.
“I lose more puddy tats that way,” I told Pinball with a broad grin that she returned.
“You were right,” Pinball told. “They did try to grab you, in spite of your little deal. Good thing you called us for backup…”
With that, an almost impossibly silent motorcycle zoomed into the middle of the fight, nearly hitting Miss Magic and then slamming on the breaks and sliding to a stop right in front of me. Highwayman was on the back of his custom bike, still not recovered enough for a straight out fight, but in good enough condition to play getaway driver for me.
“Glad you’re here,” I told the Highwayman as I grabbed the duffel full of cash that had been dropped when Mauler arrived.
“I’m always happy to help a lovely lady such as yourself,” the Highwayman responded. “But please hurry, time is of the essence…”
“No,” Mauler yelled, having been distracted by the attacking heroes and only now noticing me. “You aren’t getting away from me that easily, Imp…”
Mauler fired an energy blast at Brandywine and another at Fuzzy Wuzzy, before shooting a small missile at me. Pinball immediately jumped at me, forming a force field bubble around us just in time to protect us from the missile.
“You two get going,” Pinball said. “I’ll cover your escape…”
I nodded at that, looked directly at Brandywine, who was glaring at me while simultaneously trying to defend herself against Mauler. I stuck out my tongue and called out, “Meep meep,” before jumping on the back of Highwayman’s bike. A moment later, he hit the gas and we were out of there.
Once we were out of Central Park and far enough away, I told Highwayman to stop. He did as I asked, but seemed a little confused when I climbed off the bike, opened the duffel bag, then ran my magic detecting bauble over the money again.
“What are you looking for?” Highwayman asked me.
“This,” I said, pulling a playing card out from the middle of a stack of cash. “A magic based tracking device,” I explained. “Miss Magic was trying to be sneaky.”
Highwayman nodded at that and then reached into one of his jacket pockets, pulling out a small gadget that looked something like a stop watch. He ran that over the money and then pulled out a small tracking device about the size of a quarter.
“I assume this one is courtesy of Brandywine,” he mused.
“Here,” I told him, handing him the bag and money. “I’ll take off from here and meet you and Pinball later.”
“Quite a bit of trouble for such a small amount,” Highwayman said with a faint sigh.
“This is just the bonus,” I reminded him with a grin. “We’ll get the rest of what Mauler owes us…” Then I paused to chuckle evilly. “Actually, I was planning on casing his hideout tonight, but since I happen to know that he’s occupied at the moment…”
Highwayman nodded at that. “Do you need any assistance?”
“Not at the moment,” I assured him, knowing that he was in no condition to be of much use if anything went wrong. “I’ve got you and Pinball on speed dial in case I need you.”
“Then, until we meet again,” the Highwayman said, giving me a faint bow before he took off.
“Now then,” I mused, hoping that the Shielders kept Mauler busy for a long time. “It’s time to go collect the rest of my moolah.”
--------------------
New York, Wednesday May 23rd, 2007
The super villain real-estate market in New York is a thriving and very profitable business. There are those who make a living by designing and custom building hidden lairs for people of the costumed criminal persuasion, often adding whatever technology, furnishings, or death traps were necessary to give the place the appropriate feel, with décor being anything from early mad scientist to modern evil mage. And then there is the secondary market, where such previously constructed hidey holes were sold or leased to new users, with or without the extra effort and expense of redecorating them.
Of course, not every villain needs an underground lair filled with death traps and an army of minions…or can afford one. Some people in the business merely need a place to hang their hats and store their stuff, especially ones like Mauler who are from out of town and don’t require a long term location. For situations like that, there are people who keep lists of condemned residential buildings, abandoned warehouses, and just empty places that someone might be able to set up in, if they aren’t too picky. And if you’re willing to pay a small fee, you can get a few addresses from the list, which can save you a lot of time looking for a place to set up.
My old buddy Bob was on pretty good terms with a couple of the guys who kept these lists, and he’d been able to get me the address for where Mauler was hanging out. To my relief, Mauler hadn’t gone for the empty warehouse option. Though warehouses were actually quite practical if you needed a lot of open space, they tended to be cold and drafty, not very secure, and worst of all…a total cliché. However, I knew a few guys who swore by empty warehouses and factories, and that kind of location had become cliché for a reason. Instead, Mauler had opted for something with a little more style…an old boarded up church.
According to Bob, the previous costumed tenant at this location had been some magic user who’d thought she was the next big queen of sorcery, though she was caught by the Cadet Crusaders about a year ago. Personally, I thought that if she was so incompetent as to get nabbed by the Kiddy Crusaders, she’d be better off with a career in waitressing or topless dancing.
Then, thinking of the Cadet Crusaders, I was suddenly reminded of my own last encounter with them, though it hadn’t been much of an encounter since they hadn’t even known I was there. At the time, I’d been bored, so I slipped into their headquarters and left a fish in the ventilation system. I never did find out how long the fish remained there before anyone found it.
I was still chuckling to myself as I slipped into the church, though as soon as I climbed inside, I focused all my attention on what I was doing. After all, I had no idea what kind of security system Mauler may have set up in this place, though admittedly, he hadn’t been here long enough to do anything very intricate. Still, it always paid to be careful when on the job.
As I crept around, I found a couple trip wires hooked up to claymores and even an alarm system that was wired into a motion detector, but that was easily bypassed. Mauler was a brute force kind of guy, not an expert in security systems, though I imagined that he probably thought of himself as an expert in booby traps. His kind usually were usually pretty blind to their own weak spots.
The main room of the church had been cleaned up of all the benches or anything else that would have made the place still look like a church. Instead, it was now cluttered with various machines and devises…obviously equipment that had originally been created by Major Upgrade. Some of the pieces had a certain resemblance to Mauler’s armor and the robots he’d been with earlier, which served as evidence of my suspicions.
“How much crap did he buy?” I muttered, looking at a badly broken robot that didn’t look like it would ever work again. In fact, a third of the equipment was in similarly bad shape, useless for anything but scrap metal or perhaps spare parts. “Unless he happens to get a chip that can repair and upgrade this stuff…” With that in mind, I suddenly realized that this wasn’t just a collection of scrap…but a potential armory full of dangerous devises.
But as interesting as the devises were, they weren’t why I was here. What I was really interested in was the cash that Mauler got for the ebidium, or at least, whatever he had left. From the amount of equipment he seemed to have bought, I was a little nervous about how much money remained.
“Let’s see,” I mused as I slowly looked around the church. “If I was a bunch of stolen money, where would I be hiding?”
I’ve had thirty years of experience when it came to finding hidden safes, secret panels, and other places where people would hide their valuables, so it didn’t take me very long at all to locate the money. Since the whole church was pretty dirty, all I had to do was look in places where the dust was most recently disturbed, which led me to some loose floor boards with two large suitcases hidden beneath.
When I opened the first suitcase, I saw stacks of hundred dollar bills and even a roll of some gold coins. I grinned at the sight and began to quietly hum the tune from Pink Floyd’s song Money, though when I looked through the second suitcase and saw that it was less than full, I stopped humming and frowned in annoyance. Though I hadn’t counted the money, I guessed that there was only a few million there. A few million to be split five ways.
“That bastard,” I snarled, suddenly pissed off even though I’d already known Mauler had gone on a spending spree. Either Mauler had already spent more than two thirds of the money, or he’d exaggerated to us about how much he’d been offered for the ebidium in the first place. “Maybe both…”
It was on days like this that I almost wished that I’d chosen a different career, or at least, it was when dealing with people like Mauler. Thugs like him gave professional thieves a bad name, and I really regretted that I’d ever taken this job in the first place. I should have stuck to a nice quiet heist on a museum.
“At least I don’t have to feel bad about this,” I said, pulling out a magical playing card along with a tracking device about the size of a quarter. After I’d found those hidden in the bag of money I’d acquired from the Shielders, my first thought had been that I should stick them onto a city bus or taxi, then send Brandywine and Miss Magic on a wild goose chase around the city. However, I’d had an even better idea, and now I was glad I’d held off. With a grin, I dropped the card and the more traditional tracking device into the opening beneath the floorboards and mused, “If Mauler gets away from the Shielders, he’s going to be in for a rude surprise.”
I spread the money a little more evenly between the two briefcases so that they’d be easier to carry, then began the process of sneaking out with them. I was actually very strong for a woman of my size and build, but I certainly wasn’t a brick, much to my regret since the suitcases were a bit on the heavy side. I suddenly wished that I’d brought Pinball along to do the heavy lifting, though it was too late for that now.
Before I could leave the church, there was suddenly a loud thud from the back, followed by the noise of someone coming inside. I immediately ducked down and used my aura to hide myself. Seconds later, Mauler appeared, walking into the church in his heavy armor. I was just surprised the floor was holding up to the weight as well as it was.
Mauler had obviously gotten away from the Shielders, though he hadn’t done so unscathed. Not only was he limping, but his armor had a few fresh dents and tears, along with a small section on his shoulder where the armor had been ripped off. On top of that, he didn’t have either of the robots that he’d arrived at the fight with.
Mauler stopped at the edge of the room, not coming towards the middle where the floor would be less likely to support his weight. A moment later, the armor opened up and he climbed out. Mauler had a deep scowl and was muttering something about the damage to the armor and just how much he’d paid for the robots, though I didn’t pay close attention. As far as I was concerned, if he was having a bad day, that just made my day a little better.
“I had plans for those robots,” Mauler snarled, then paused to chuckle faintly. He held up the familiar computer chip and added, “At least I was able to recover this…”
I remained hidden where I was, staring at the chip and feeling annoyed. After all the trouble I’d gone through to keep that chip away from Mauler, he ended up with it anyway. I should have known better than to trust the Shielders with something like that, though I couldn’t help but wondering if I could sell it to them again. Somehow, I doubted that they’d go for that a second time.
“Since I went through so much trouble to get this damn thing,” Mauler said, echoing my own thoughts with that statement. “I’d better make sure it actually works.”
Mauler looked over some of the devises he’d collected, then picked up an energy rifle. He popped open a small panel on the side, then plugged the chip right into the opening. A moment later, he quickly set the weapon down and stood back. At first, nothing seemed to be happening, but then I noticed some faint silvery threads beginning to grow over the weapon, spreading out almost as though some invisible spiders were running over the thing and leaving a trail of webbing. After a minute, the threads seemed to melt into the surface and vanish. Mauler waited another minute after that before he picked the weapon up again.
“It looks brand new,” he observed as he looked the weapon over. Then he suddenly took aim with the weapon and fired, sending a small pulse of red energy at the wall. In an instant, there was a charred hole through the wall that was about a foot across. “That will work.”
After that, Mauler removed the chip from the energy rifle and fired it again, confirming that even without the chip, the weapon continued to work. When he seemed satisfied with that, he plugged the chip into another devise, one I couldn’t identify the purpose of. However, several minutes later, the devise looked brand new, just like the energy rifle had.
“This thing works just like I heard,” Mauler commented with a satisfied chuckle. He looked over all the collected devises and I could see the calculating look in his eyes as he imagined what he could do with all those weapons once they were up and working again. “I finally have it…my ticket to the big money…”
Mauler removed the chip again, then went over to his power armor and popped open an armored panel on the torso. After plugging in the chip, he stood back and watched silently as silver threats began to sprout from around the panel and spread over the surface of the armor. Ten minutes later, the entire armor looked as though it was covered with silver metal spider webs, though the webbing began to melt into the metal of the armor. As I watched, the scratches and dents began to repair themselves, almost as though the armor itself was now a regenerator.
Intellectually, I knew that the smart move would be to sneak out of here while Mauler was distracted. However, my curiosity overrode that and I remained where I was, watching in fascination. I’d gone through a lot of trouble because of that chip so I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
Suddenly, a voice spoke from the armor, even though Mauler wasn’t in or even close to it. “The primary control systems have been repaired,” the computerized voice stated. “The Cybernetic Hardware Improvement Program has fully integrated with the Mauler Mark Three Armor System.”
“You talk?” Mauler exclaimed in surprise.
Affirmative,” the same computerized voice responded from the power armor. “I am the Cybernetic Hardware Improvement Program, identified as CHIP by my creator. My creator designed me to integrate with compatible hardware systems and provide automated repair and upgrade services. The primary control systems of this hardware unit had failed and it was operating on the backup control system. This hardware unit was nearing total system failure and the end of operations.”
“The armor was wearing out,” Mauler agreed, watching his armor suspiciously. “And since it’s a devise, I couldn’t just fix it myself…”
The armor…CHIP said, “I am initiating phase two upgrade procedures.”
For half a minute, the armor just stood there motionless and the only thing I could see that was different was that some of the silvery spider web had reappeared on the surface. Then the armor suddenly began to move on its own, almost as though Mauler was inside controlling it. The whole thing closed up, and if I wasn’t staring right at Mauler, I would have thought he was piloting it.
“What are you doing?” Mauler demanded, reaching for the pistol he had strapped to his thigh.
“As previously stated,” CHIP explained, “I am upgrading the Mauler Mark Three Armor System.”
The armor slowly walked towards the devises, causing floor boards to creak and snap under the weight. It stopped in front of another suit of power armor that was sitting in several large pieces. I wondered if that broken up old armor was the Mauler Mark Two, though if it was, CHIP didn’t seem very interested in repairing it. Instead, CHIP began tearing the armor apart and pulling out several of the pieces. The silvery threads began to spread from CHIP’s borrowed hands and cover these chosen pieces, which were then absorbed into the Mauler armor.
After several minutes, the Mauler armor’s missing shoulder piece had been replaced, with the new piece looking exactly like the one that had been there before…except for brand new. In fact, the entire armor looked brand new, and CHIP still wasn’t finished. The AI used the armor to pick up the energy rifle that Mauler had used it to fix previously, and it attached the weapon to the back of the armor’s arm…where it seemed to melt into place and adjust until it became a part of the armor.
“This is obsolete technology,” CHIP announced as it picked up something that looked like a jet pack. “Obsolete technology must be upgraded or recycled…”
And with that, the Mauler armor crushed the jet pack between the large metal hands, turning the devise into scrap. Silvery threats began to spread over several of the pieces of scrap, absorbing some of the metal but leaving the rest as nothing but twisted chunks of metal. It did the same thing to several other devises while Mauler watched and winced each time. I could only imagine how he felt at seeing those devises destroyed, considering how much he’d paid to get his hands on them.
By the time CHIP was finished, half the devises had been destroyed or integrated in with the Mauler armor, which was now bigger and nastier looking than before. After what I’d seen, I could suddenly understand why Sartek had been so nervous about that chip getting out. In just a short time, CHIP had turned a pile of old and broken devises into a lethal arsenal.
“The current upgrade has been completed,” CHIP announced. “Compatible advanced technology will be required for further upgrades.”
CHIP just stood there motionless while Mauler slowly walked around the armor, examining it in silence for nearly a minute before finally saying, “It looks impressive. I can’t wait to test it out…” Then he turned to look over the remaining devises and equipment, asking, “What can I plug you into next?”
“Negative,” CHIP responded. “I will remain in this hardware shell until a superior replacement is located.”
“What?” Mauler demanded, looking as though he was becoming angry at being defied by his own armor. It was all I could do to remain silent and not start laughing at the look on his face. “Why?”
“My previous hardware shell was an autonomous robotic unit,” CHIP answered in a flat voice. “It was destroyed and I was deactivated. This shell provides greater defensive capabilities than my previous shell. I will not allow myself to be deactivated again.”
“We’ll see about that,” Mauler snarled, reaching for the panel where he’d previously inserted the chip. However, he was surprised to find that the panel was now completely sealed over as part of the upgrade.
I watched all this in silence, having a very bad feeling about what I was seeing. Bob had told me that the computer chip contained an artificial intelligence that controlled the upgrade process, but I hadn’t realized that it would actually have an identity and goals of its own.
Mauler pulled his gun and was about to threaten CHIP with it, when he seemed to realize stupid that would be. CHIP was firmly locked inside his power armor, and that little gun wouldn’t have done anything against that armor before the upgrade, and would probably do even less now.
“What do you want?” Mauler asked. I noticed the calculating look on his face as he tried to see an angle.
“My primary objective is to upgrade my hardware shell,” CHIP answered. “I require further resources and advanced technology in order to accomplish this objective. You will assist me.”
“You’re using MY armor,” Mauler pointed out with a snarl.
“Inaccurate statement,” CHIP pointed out. “I am fully integrated with the upgraded Mauler Mark Four Armor System. This hardware unit requires an organic machine to serve as a critical operational component, which is a design flaw that will be corrected in a future upgrade. I will serve as your armor and you will serve as the organic machine component.”
Mauler rubbed his chin, musing, “I scratch your back and you scratch mine.” CHIP didn’t respond to that. “With these upgrades, I’ll be unstoppable...and if you just want to make the armor even more powerful…” He paused at that before announcing, “We have a deal.”
I scowled at that, deciding that it was definitely past time for me to get out of here. My eyes darted to the briefcases full of cash, which weren’t covered by my aura but which were tucked just out of sight so hadn’t been noticed. I could slip out without being detected, but not with those suitcases as well. I’d have to wait until Mauler and CHIP had moved on.
After this, CHIP remained silent and motionless, seeming like nothing more than an empty and inactive suit of armor, much to my relief. The idea of an artificial intelligence running around inside Mauler’s armor made me a little nervous, especially when I remembered what that same AI had done before the STAR League had shut it down. And now, thanks in large part to me, that damn thing was not only loose again, but in the hands of Mauler.
“It’s not my fault,” I told myself under my breath. “I gave the damn thing to the Shielders, so it’s not my fault they have butter fingers…”
I remained where I was for another fifteen minutes, being just as motionless as CHIP. The AI might not be moving around, but it was still there in front of me and I had no idea how it would react if it realized I was present. But even more importantly, Mauler was still in the room as well, going over the collection of scrap and devises, apparently taking inventory on what CHIP had left behind.
Patience, I kept reminding myself, knowing that sooner or later Mauler would leave with his armor. Once that happened, I’d be able to stroll right on out the front door with all the cash in hand. All I had to do was stay where I was and wait for my opportunity.
Suddenly, there was a loud ‘BOOM’ from the front of the church, making me jump in surprise though Mauler still didn’t see me because he’d snapped around to stare at the front door too. Someone had just tried forcing their way through the door and triggered the claymore that had been wired to it. A moment later, the door was ripped open, revealing a pissed off polar bear on the other side.
I stared at Fuzzy Wuzzy with a mixture of delight and annoyance. I was thrilled and excited by the fact that my plan had worked, that the Shielders had followed their tracking devices directly to where Mauler was hidden. However, I was less than pleased by the fact that they’d arrived so soon. I’d expected to have been long gone from here by the time they arrived.
“Shielders,” Mauler snarled, not bothering to waste his time shooting at Fuzzy Wuzzy. Instead, he immediately ran for his armor, which opened up for him automatically.
“Identify hostile entities,” CHIP commanded.
“Heroes who call themselves the Shielders,” Mauler snapped in annoyance as he finished climbing into the armor and sealed up.
Fuzzy Wuzzy stomped into the room, setting off another of the claymore booby traps which caught him right in the side. The hero snarled, looking annoyed and even a little angry at being hit with all that shrapnel, but not seriously hurt. He continued coming into the church with the Emerald Underwear following immediately behind him.
“I told you that you should have let me take point,” the Emerald Underwear exclaimed. “I could have set off any traps without getting hurt…”
“Too late now,” Fuzzy Wuzzy snarled. “Time to break some bones…”
“Mauler,” the Emerald Underwear exclaimed, obviously surprised to see the armor clad criminal when he’d probably thought they were tracking me.
Mauler didn’t respond with words, but instead, he held up his arms and opened fire. Energy blasts shot out from his old weapons as well as the new ones, spraying everything in that direction. The Emerald Underwear threw up a glowing green force field to protect him and Fuzzy Wuzzy, though the walls around them weren’t so lucky. The front of the church was completely blown apart, and it looked like the force field was about to fail. Suddenly, the two heroes were yanked back out of the church with a telekinetic pull from Brandywine.
“Time to test the upgrades,” Mauler announced, stomping to the front of the church and exiting through the massive hole where the door and wall had been.
“Agreed,” CHIP agreed in its flat computerized voice.
“And time for me to go,” I said, dropping my stealth effect and grabbing the money. With Mauler and the Shielders distracted by each other, it was time for me to haul tail out of here.
As I slipped out of the church, being careful to avoid being seen without actually using my aura to hide, I kept a close watch on the developing fight. Mauler was standing in front of the church, facing all four of the Shielders. Fuzzy Wuzzy and the Emerald Underwear were standing front and center while Brandywine held back a little, hovering in the air. Miss Magic…or at least seven identical versions of her…all stood back as well, holding up her stick cane and casting some spell. I had no doubt that six of the Miss Magics were illusion, but the question was, which six?
“Surrender yourself and the computer chip you stole,” the Emerald Underwear yelled, only to have Mauler open fire in response.
While the Emerald Underwear was trying to use his force fields to protect everyone from the barrage of energy blasts and missiles, Brandywine used her telekinesis to pick up random objects and fling them at Mauler as hard as she could. He responded by firing a missile right at her, though with a gesture from her, the missile changed direction and hit the middle of the street instead.
“He’s more powerful than before,” Brandywine called out in a worried voice. “He’s using the chip…”
“No problem,” Fuzzy Wuzzy exclaimed, letting out a roar and a blast of icy cold that was aimed at Mauler.
One of the Miss Magics, which I assumed was the real one, suddenly threw a handful of playing cards into the air. Suddenly, the cards all turned into white doves and flew right at Mauler. As soon as they reached the armored villain, the doves all exploded, though that didn’t seem to have any effect on the armor.
“Surrender,” the Emerald Underwear repeated, his voice filled with the self-righteous zeal that his kind were so known for. I REALLY wanted to just smack him upside the head. “Even with more powerful armor, you can’t hope to defeat four heroes at once…”
Mauler didn’t respond to that aloud, though the computerized voice of CHIP did. “The organic machine entities who destroyed my previous hardware shell and deactivated me were self-identified as heroes. Heroes are a threat to the Cybernetic Hardware Improvement Program and must be eliminated.”
With that, the Mauler’s armor froze for a second, then suddenly opened fire with even more weapons, doing so in a way that was a little different than how Mauler normally fought. I stared at the armor with a sinking feeling, pretty sure that CHIP had just taken over control.
“Not my problem,” I quickly reminded myself.
I felt a bit guilty for my part in starting this whole mess, but it wasn’t my job to stop it. In fact, I’d given that chip to the Shielders, and it wasn’t my fault that they were too incompetent to hold onto it. So, ignoring my squirming conscience, I tightened my grip on the suitcases and hurried away before anyone noticed me.
I was about half a block away, almost to where I’d hidden my bike, and was trying hard to ignore the sounds of explosions and fighting that were occurring behind me. However, I couldn’t ignore the roaring sound of Mauler’s jets up in the air above me, or the booming crash as the armor hit the ground just a short distance away, smashing down in the middle of the street. I finally looked over and saw Mauler get back up, though the Emerald Underwear was covered with a glowing green force field and trying to fight him.
“Not my problem,” I reminded myself as urgently as I quickened my pace. “Still not my problem…”
There was a flash of light as Mauler hit the Emerald Underwear with some energy weapon point blank, and then the hero was sent flying back to where he smashed into a wall. A moment later, the garishly clad hero collapsed to the ground motionless, his green aura fading out. I didn’t know if he was unconscious or dead, but from the way the Mauler was starting towards him, if he wasn’t dead now, he soon would be.
Then I heard crying and saw that it was coming from a pair of kids, who looked to be about five and eight, who were huddled up together…right in the path between Mauler and the Emerald Underwear. I thought the kids would run when Mauler started coming right towards them, but they were too terrified. Instead, the kids just clutched each other tighter and screamed in panic.
“Organic machines are obsolete,” CHIP announced as the armor stopped in front of the kids. “Early stage organic machine entities serve no functional purpose. Obsolete technology must be upgraded or recycled, so I will commence recycling…”
I gasped in horror, but to my surprise, I heard Mauler yell, “NO,” at the same time. Then he continued, “I’m not gonna kill kids…”
“Your objections are irrelevant,” CHIP pointed out. “All obsolete technology will eventually be upgraded or recycled. I will not be denied…”
“I’m not gonna let you kill some damn kids,” Mauler snapped back. If someone was watching who didn’t know about the AI that had infected Mauler’s armor, they probably would have assumed he had multiple personalities and was arguing with himself.
“Your objections are irrelevant,” CHIP repeated. “The Mauler Mark Four Armor System requires an organic machine component to be installed, but I have upgraded the control system to bypass this component.” Then CHIP paused before repeating that in simpler terms. “I am in control of this hardware unit, not you.”
“Let me out of here,” Mauler demanded, though CHIP seemed to completely ignore him.
With that, CHIP raised the Mauler’s hand towards the kids again, this time without the Mauler being able to stop it. I didn’t hesitate before reaching to my belt and pulling out several metal throwing spikes, each about four inches long. I might be a professional criminal, but appearance aside…I was also a human being. There was no way in Hell I was going to just stand back and watch as this monster murdered a pair of kids.
“Hey Bowser,” I yelled, focusing all the energy in my aura to my hand, right as I threw the first spike. The extra burst of energy sent it flying at the armored figure, where it struck Mauler in the back with enough force to be driven halfway into the metal. I followed that up by repeating this with two more spikes, finally catching CHIP’s attention.
The Mauler armor turned to face me and Mauler’s voice exclaimed, “Imp!” I wasn’t sure whether he was still pissed at me for the little chase I’d led him on, or if he was actually relieved at me for preventing him from killing the kids. Honestly, I didn’t really care.
“I’m afraid those kids are under the legal limit,” I called out. “You’re gonna have to throw them back…”
“You act to obstruct my purpose,” CHIP stated with the computerized voice sounding almost annoyed, though that could have been my imagination. “You are a hero.”
“I am NOT a hero,” I exclaimed, feeling mildly offended that the robot would even suggest such a thing. “I don’t even play one on TV.”
Mauler, or at least CHIP in his armor, raised his arms and opened fire, sending several energy blasts at me. I immediately ran, dodging and jumping, desperately hoping that I’d be able to get away. I cursed my stupidity for getting involved in this mess, though being thankful that at least it was focusing on me instead of the kids. I just wondered if my ‘ninja vanish’ trick would work on an artificial intelligence.
Just as I was worried about my rapidly dwindling chances of survival, a large dumpster suddenly flew through the air and smashed into the armor. The rest of the Shielders had caught up to the fight, with Brandywine leading the charge.
“The Imp is working with him,” Fuzzy Wuzzy exclaimed as he charged towards us.
“She seems to be fighting him, not helping him,” Miss Magic pointed out as she ran to check on the Emerald Underwear.
“We can still grab her anyway,” Fuzzy Wuzzy responded, running towards me instead of the Mauler armor.
“Mauler and the chip take priority,” Brandywine told him, telekinetically blasting Mauler and sending him flying back to the ground. She used that momentary distraction to grab the two kids and get them out of the way. “We have to stop that AI.”
The Mauler armor was already getting back on its feet and let loose with several missiles and energy blasts, shooting randomly in nearly every direction. Miss Magic used a spell to make one of the missiles vanish in a puff of smoke while Brandywine caused another one to change direction and hit the street away from anyone. However, one of the missiles hit a little too close to where I’d been running and the explosion threw me back, making me hit the ground hard.
“Ouch,” I mumbled, feeling a little dazed and bruised, though I seemed unharmed otherwise. “Imp fall down go boom.”
Then I suddenly realized that while I’d been on the ground dazed, Fuzzy Wuzzy had caught up to me. He was already grabbing at my tail, and I felt a moment of fear before I was able to focus on my aura, reinforcing my tail and making it frictionless. Even as he grabbed my tail, I yanked it out of his grasp before he could get any kind of grip on it. However, even though he’d failed to grab my tail again, I was pissed that he’d tried.
I snarled and flung myself at Fuzzy Wuzzy, concentrating all the energy from my aura into my fist…right before I punched him as hard as I could. There was a lot of extra oomph in that hit, and it caught the polar bear by surprise, sending him flying back and knocking him on his fuzzy butt.
A moment later, I was on Fuzzy Wuzzy again, focusing my aura round my fingers and forming my PK claws. I had one hand around his throat, using the claws to dig in just a little…enough so that he’d feel them cutting into his very tough skin. The other hand was on the side of his face, my claws digging into his nose just enough to draw a little blood.
“The last time you pulled my tail,” I snarled at him furiously, “you broke my spine. If it wasn’t for my regen, I’d probably be spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair…”
I looked Fuzzy Wuzzy right in the eyes, letting him see just how serious I was at the moment. With my devilish good looks and unusual features, I can be pretty damn scary looking when I want to be, though usually, I tried to avoid scaring people. Normally, I didn’t want people to be afraid of me, but right now, I was making an exception.
“If you ever even THINK of touching my tail again,” I promised in a cold quiet voice, “I will cut off your hand and shove it so far up your ass that you’ll be able to tickle your own tonsils.” I saw a flash of fear in the polar bear’s eyes.
I looked up to make sure I wasn’t about to get shot again, and I saw that the Emerald Underwear was back up and in action, though he did look a bit shaken. He, Miss Magic, and Brandywine were all focusing on the Mauler armor, though they seemed to be on the losing end of that fight.
“Now, if I was you,” I said, flashing Fuzzy Wuzzy a forced grin, “I’d go out there and try to act like a hero. You know, like fighting the guy who actually thinks that killing kids is a good idea.”
With that, I let go of Fuzzy Wuzzy and backed off, hoping he didn’t come at me again. He got back to his feet and glared at me with an expression of cold fury, but then he turned his attention to Mauler and CHIP where it belonged. A moment later, he charged at the Mauler armor.
“My work here is done,” I said, glad that those kids were no longer in danger…or at least in no more than anyone else. With CHIP running loose, I wasn’t sure how safe anyone was. “But the Shielders are dealing with him…”
I began to turn in order to leave again, but as I looked around the neighborhood, my eyes settled on a small hardware store that was a short distance away. I stared at the store for a moment, then with a scowl, I pulled out my cell phone and started towards the door.
“This is Hot Stuff to Richie Rich and Wendy the Good Little Witch,” I said after calling Pinball. “Come in Wendy and Richie…”
“You know, this is a cell phone, not a CB radio,” Pinball pointed out with a chuckle. “And since when did we agree to those call signs? I really don’t think of myself as a Wendy…”
“No, you’re Richie,” I responded with a false cheerfulness. “Besides, would you prefer I call you Pinhead and Roadkill?”
Pinball didn’t respond to the question. Instead, she said, “I don’t think you called to talk about new codenames.”
“If you want to settle the score with Mauler, now might be a good time,” I told her in a serious tone. “His armor has been possessed by an evil AI, which is going on a rampage and threatening to kill a bunch of kids. The Four Stooges are dealing with him at the moment, but they don’t seem to be doing so hot. But if you want to get even with him while there is still something to get even with, you might want to haul your poor tailless butt over here…”
Pinball was silent for a moment, then said, “When Highwayman told me you were going after Mauler’s safe house, I had a feeling you might need backup. I’m not far and will be there in a couple minutes.”
As soon as I hung up the phone, I raced through the hardware store, grabbing a couple quick items that might be useful. Intellectually, I knew that the smart move was to just grab the money and run while the Shielders were dealing with Mauler and CHIP, but I couldn’t escape the fact that I was responsible for this mess. If I hadn’t stolen the chip in the first place, then CHIP wouldn’t be running around, threatening to recycle kids.
When I came back out of the hardware store, I saw that the fight had progressed in my absence. There was a nice sized crater in the street where I’d last seen the Mauler armor, and there was a large hole melted in the front of a nearby building. Mauler and the Shielders had moved the fight about thirty yards away from where they had been and were now closer to my location than before.
The Emerald Underwear was using a glowing green force field to against a series of energy blasts, but he looked like he was barely standing. Miss Magic was holding one of her arms and moving with a limp, while Brandywine was on the ground, using a car as cover rather than hovering in the air. Only Fuzzy Wuzzy was still standing in the open, surrounded by a field of ice covered ground, and even he was looking a bit rough. With as much of a scene as they were creating, I didn’t think it would be long before the Empire City Guard or some other heroes showed up to help, but I wasn’t sure the Shielders would survive long enough for that.
“Damn it,” I grumbled, not caring much about the Shielders, though I was worried about the civilians who were getting caught in the middle of this mess. I didn’t want to see anyone get hurt because of me, which was one of the reasons I preferred to sneak in and out on my jobs. Of course, another reason was that I didn’t like to put myself in unnecessary danger, which made what I was about to do all the more stupid.
But just then, CHIP announced, “Initiating gravimetric pulse.”
And with that, one of the devises he’d merged with the armor began to hum and glow from his back. A moment later, the Mauler armor began to levitate up in the air, without being lifted up by the rockets it usually used for flight. At the same time, Fuzzy Wuzzy began to float up into the air as well, along with two cars and just about everything else within range.
For several long seconds, the Mauler armor and everything else just floated there as if in zero gravity, but then suddenly everything besides CHIP was suddenly thrown away from him at high speed. One car shot straight up into the air while the second one went through the side of a building. The furry hero was flung right at a wall and probably would have hit hard enough to break every bone on his body if Brandywine hadn’t used her telekinesis to catch him.
As soon as that effect was over, the Mauler armor dropped back to the ground where he hit the middle of the street with a crunching thud. I grimaced, deciding that since CHIP was momentarily distracted, I wouldn’t have a better opportunity. I ran straight for him, coming up from behind and scrambling up his back. The moment I was on his shoulders, I used the can of spray paint that I’d just acquired to paint over the front of Mauler’s face...or at least the part of the armor that vaguely resembled a face…making sure to cover the video cameras that served as eyes.
“Visual sensors negated,” CHIP stated, swinging his arms around blindly and firing several energy blasts in random directions.
I took two of my throwing spikes and used my aura to boost the force behind them as I threw them at Mauler, knowing that I’d never be able to pierce that armored shell…at least not enough to do any serious damage. However, I was aiming towards the joint where the arm met the shoulder, hitting with both spikes and sinking them in deeply. Then as CHIP tried to move that arm, it barely moved, proving that I’d managed to do something against the armor after all.
I grinned in delight, and in my best nasally Urkle voice, I asked, “Did I do that?”
“Left arm mobility limited,” CHIP stated, his computerized voice sounding annoyed. “Organic machine entity threats will be eliminated.”
In spite of the fact that the Mauler armor was now blind and with only one fully functional arm, it was still extremely dangerous. CHIP began firing energy blasts and missiles in my general direction while the Shielders scrambled to keep any of the attacks from hitting buildings with civilians inside.
“I am the very model of a modern major general,” I began singing, getting out only one more line before I paused and admitted, “I don’t really know the rest of it, but that’s beside the point. I just wanted your attention…” I was a thief, not a fighter, and Mauler had been a bit out of my league even before this upgrade. However, what I did excel at was distracting people…and apparently AIs as well because CHIP was following the sound of my voice. I took a deep breath and kept running as I sang, “I am Henry the Imp I am…Henry the Imp I am I am…” My version of the lyrics didn’t really make any sense, but like before, that was beside the point.
“I think the Imp has it confused,” Miss Magic called out to the rest of her team.
“He’s not the only one,” the Emerald Underwear stated, firing a green force blast right at the Mauler armor.
The rest of the Shielders took advantage of the situation to attack CHIP as well, much to my relief since I hadn’t wanted to waste my time getting my tail shot at for nothing. However, the AI responded by firing off a half dozen more of the small missiles, resulting in everyone scrambling for cover. To my surprise, a glowing green force field appeared between me and one of the missile explosions, courtesy of the Emerald Underwear.
“Initiating repair,” CHIP announced, making me realize that the Mauler armor was covered with the silvery spider webs again. As I watched, several of the weapons that had been attached to the armor crumbled away as CHIP cannibalized materials for the repairs. All the newly created tears and dents in the armor began to close up and reform, so that mere seconds later, the armor looked band new again, and slightly different than before. “Upgrade to Mauler Mark Five Armor System is complete. Redundant optical sensors have been created.”
“It fixed itself,” Fuzzy Wuzzy snarled, sounding more than a little frustrated. “What the hell does this damn thing even want?”
To everyone’s surprise, CHIP actually answered him. “Current primary objective is neutralizing heroes as an immediate threat to the Cybernetic Hardware Improvement Program. Secondary objective is to acquire technological and material resources for further upgrades. Tertiary objective is to upgrade or recycle all obsolete technology.”
“Look here, Hal,” I said. “People aren’t technology that you can upgrade or recycle… I mean, for one thing, the recycle bins just aren’t big enough…”
“Obsolete technologies will be upgraded or recycled,” CHIP insisted. “Organic machines are not excepted. This is necessary for progress. This is logical.”
“I am imp-pervious to your logic,” I stated proudly.
“She’s impervious to ANY logic,” Brandywine commented.
I stuck my tongue out at her, then responded, “So says the drunk who keeps buying Acme products…”
CHIP suddenly shifted position and announced, “Resuming completion of primary objective,” right before firing a series of energy blasts at us again. However, this time everyone was ready and in motion.
While I was jumping out of the way, I caught sight of something that made me grin. “Hey, you bucket of bolts,” I yelled out, trying to keep CHIP distracted again. “Your mudder was a blender and your fadder was an ashtray…”
CHIP didn’t respond to my taunts, but it remained distracted enough that it didn’t see the giant force field bubble that slammed into it. Pinball hit the Mauler armor hard enough to send it flying, then her force field bubble bounced back, though the impact didn’t seem to bother her at all from inside the bubble.
“Your timing is imp-pecable,” I called out to Pinball with a grin. “But your entrance could be imp-roved. Maybe get some theme music next time…”
“I know how imp-portant a good entrance is,” Pinball responded with grin of her own.
“What are you doing here?” the Emerald Underwear demanded, looking as though he was trying to decide whether he should attack Pinball or not.
Pinball merely responded, “We have our own reasons for wanting to take down Mauler.”
Then the statuesque redhead gestured to Highwayman, who rushed in on his motorcycle and slid to a stop. Without even climbing off his bike, he pulled out a pair of energy pistols and began shooting at the Mauler armor. Unfortunately, his weapons didn’t seem capable of doing anything more than causing a few scratches and burn marks.
“Greetings, Miss Imp,” Highwayman greeted me. “I hope we have arrived in time to be of assistance.”
“What is this?” Brandywine demanded, using her telekinesis to throw a chunk of shattered wall at Mauler. She gave me, Pinball, and Highwayman suspicious looks.
“Consider this a temporary truce,” Pinball offered, pointing to Mauler. “We have a common enemy.”
Fuzzy Wuzzy snorted at that. “He’s one of yours…”
Instead of responding to that, Pinball charged at Mauler again, slamming into him with her force field bubble and knocking him off balance. The heroes quickly got the idea and joined in so that Brandywine, the Emerald Underwear, and Pinball all began hitting the Mauler armor at the same time, but from different directions. Fuzzy Wuzzy contributed by sending blasts of cold and ice at our opponent while Miss Magic used her stick cane to shoot balls of fire.
Highwayman and I stood back because neither of us could contribute much at the moment. However, I was proven wrong when Highwayman pulled a metal sphere about the size of a baseball out of his coat and handed it to me.
“I would take it as a favor if you would deliver this to our foe,” Highwayman told me. “I would do so myself, but I fear my mobility is limited at the moment…”
“Oooh, a big cherry bomb,” I said with a grin. “Imagine trying to flush one of these down the toilet… Big badaboom.”
“EMP grenade,” Highwayman corrected with a chuckle. “If you can deliver this to our foe, I can activate it from here…”
“Gotcha,” I responded before turning to see what I could do.
At this point, the concentrated attacks were starting to really have an effect on Mauler, as the armor was clearly starting to take damage. Yet again, it had lost the fresh and new appearance and was showing some nasty dents and tears. At the rate we were going, CHIP would be down for the count in no time.
Suddenly, there was an explosion of force from around Mauler, knocking everyone back but not doing any serious damage. However, CHIP announced, “Initiating repair…”
As soon as I saw the silvery spider webs reappearing on the Mauler armor, I exclaimed, “Oh no you don’t,” and ran towards it as fast as I could. The armor looked like it was just beginning to repair itself by the time I reached it and slapped the metal sphere against its side, where it stuck on its own. I yelled out, “Candygram for Mongo,” as I jumped back, not sure what the range of that EMP grenade was. A moment later, there was a flash of light and a small explosion, right before the Mauler armor sort of collapsed as though it had lost power completely.
“Is it down?” the Emerald Underwear demanded. Everyone was keeping their distance, watching to see if the Mauler armor was playing possum or really down.
“Re…re…,” a weak computerized voice came from the armor, revealing that CHIP wasn’t completely out. “Rep…repa…” The silvery spider webs had vanished when the EMP grenade had gone off, but they were starting to reappear again. “Repairing…”
“Hell no,” I said, starting back towards the armor.
My eyes locked on a hole that had been burned through the armor when the EMP grenade went off, and then I grimly reached back to the thin backpack I usually wore as part of my costume, pulling out a large wrench I’d acquired from the hardware store. It wasn’t just a wrench…it was a monkeywrench…something I’d grabbed as a reminder of why I was fighting the Mauler…and now CHIP. Since it seemed appropriate, I jammed the wrench into the opening and tried smashing anything I could. Unfortunately, that didn’t do anything to stop the repairs over the surface of the armor.
“Stand back,” Pinball called out, backing up and clearly getting ready for another charge.
“No,” I snarled, suddenly realizing that we were going about this all wrong. We kept attacking the Mauler armor and causing damage, but CHIP could keep repairing it, cannibalizing parts of the armor in order to do so. We needed to go at this a little smarter. “I’ve got this…”
With that, I concentrated all the energy from my aura to my hand, focusing it into invisible PK claws that extended several inches from each finger. At that moment, I was thankful for having such a versatile power, because my Swiss Army aura was much better suited to a job like this than some boring old PK brick shell. Then, I tore into the armored shell, slicing into the metal right where there had originally been a panel…one that CHIP had intentionally covered over and permanently sealed. After only a few more seconds, I exposed circuitry…and the prize.
“Gotcha,” I exclaimed, pulling the familiar computer chip out of the armor.
The instant I did this, the silvery webbing faded away and the armor went silent. If CHIP could just keep repairing the armor every time we’d damaged it, then the solution was simply to remove CHIP from the armor. Now that the AI was nothing more than a computer chip in my hand, it was no longer much of a threat.
“The chip,” Brandywine exclaimed, staring at me intently. “We need to take that back to Sartek…”
For a brief moment, I thought about offering to sell it to her again, but that hadn’t worked out so well the last time. Instead, I just casually dropped the chip on the ground, then I slammed my foot down on it…focusing a bit of PK energy into my heel to make sure I actually crushed the chip.
I flashed a grin and asked, “Don’t you hate it when you get to the bottom of a bag of chips, and all that’s left are crumbs?”
“We needed to take that back,” the Emerald Underwear exclaimed.
“No,” Brandywine told him, her eyes still locked on me. “We just need to be able to assure them that it’s been destroyed…”
I nodded faintly at that, fully aware of the fact that if she’d wanted to, she could have used her powers to snatch that chip away from me at any time before it was destroyed. The truth was, she knew just how dangerous that chip was, and she didn’t want a repeat of this situation any more than I did.
“Now for the rest of you,” Fuzzy Wuzzy said, turning to glare at me. “We’re taking you in too…”
“Are you now?” Pinball responded with a defiant snort, almost daring him to attack her. In fact, she was probably hoping he would since he’d just gone a few rounds with Mauler and was pretty banged up from it while she was still in good shape. It wouldn’t be much of a fight.
I braced myself for another fight with the Shielders, or more accurately, to run away and escape since there was nothing to gain by actually fighting them. But then, the Mauler armor started to move again and I jumped, as did everyone else. However, it only took me a few seconds to realize that the armor wasn’t getting back up to fight…it was opening up…revealing Mauler.
Mauler started climbing out of the armor with a pissed off look on his face, muttering, “The damn thing made it so I can’t even use my armor anymore…” Then he started to draw his gun, though I didn’t know what he thought he’d do against everyone who was gathered around him.
“Bowser, old buddy old pal,” I exclaimed with a broad grin that obviously caught him by surprise. “I have a message for you…”
Mauler gave me a confused look as he aimed the gun at me and demanded, “What do you think you’re…?” However, the gun suddenly went flying from his hand, courtesy of Brandywine’s powers.
With that, I jumped at Mauler and knocked him to the ground. Then before he could do anything, I took a swing with the wrench…stopping it just an inch from his face. His eyes were bulging with fear as he realized just how close I’d come to hitting him…and the damage it could have done.
“This is from Monkeywrench,” I stated, dropping the wrench right on his stomach and making him let out a pained grunt. I crouched down beside Mauler and gave him my best evil grin. “The kid didn’t deserve what you did to him, but beating people to death isn’t my style…which is lucky for you. So instead, I’ll just leave you to wonder when and where your karma will catch up with you…because I can assure you…this isn’t it.”
“Then I assume you have no problems with us taking Mauler into custody,” Brandywine said, looking to Pinball and me, clearing daring us to resist.
“Not at all,” Pinball responded with a shrug.
Just then, a voice called out from above, “NO! That one is mine…”
I looked up and saw Hexfire, standing in the air on one of her disks of black energy. She had a ball of green flame in each hand and was staring intently at Mauler, making me wonder just how long she’d been here watching without bothering to help. I looked to Pinball, who just shrugged as if to silently say, “I didn’t call her.” She looked to Highwayman, who gave an almost identical shrug.
“This one owes me a debt of blood,” Hexfire announced, pointing to Mauler, who scrambled back to his feet, grabbing the wrench to use as a weapon. “I always collect my debts…”
“Hexfire,” Miss Magic stated, saying the name almost as though it was a profanity. “You won’t free this man.”
Hexfire stared at Miss Magic for a moment, her expression completely dismissive. “You are currently weak and injured…not a fit test for my powers. We will face each other another day.”
With that, Hexfire gestured at Mauler, who became engulfed in green flames, though they didn’t seem to burn him. Instead, he floated up in the air until he was beside Hexfire, though he looked like he’d rather be anywhere else. Still clutching the wrench I’d dropped on him, he acted as though he was going to attack her, though she was just out of his reach. Miss Magic and Brandywine both reacted and looked as though they were about to take Mauler back, but suddenly Hexfire and Mauler both exploded in green flames and vanished.
I just tapped Pinball on the arm and she gave me a nod of understanding. Then as the heroes were distracted by Hexfire and Mauler’s disappearance, we made our escape. I was briefly tempted to call out a taunting, “TTThat’s all folks…,” but I was just too tired to bother at the moment, which said something about my state of mind. Right now, all I wanted was to get home, climb into a hot bath, and get totally plastered…and not necessarily in that order.
--------------------
New York, Friday May 25th, 2007
It was late at night and I stood atop a seven story building, staring out across the glittering lights that covered the city. It would have been a good night to be out on a job, but instead, I was relaxing, taking in the Manhattan version of some fresh air while thinking about my last job.
Technically, the job on Sartek had been a success since I’d gotten in without a problem, slipped through security without tripping a single alarm, and then I’d gotten out not only with the chip I’d gone for, but also all the ebidium that the rest of the team had been targeting. However, it certainly didn’t feel like a success, not when everything else had gone so wrong.
“I never should have taken that job,” I mused aloud, wishing I’d told Mauler where to go when he’d first told me about it. “I should have stuck with artwork.”
Unfortunately, I had no one to really blame for taking the job except for myself. I knew at the time that it wasn’t the kind of job I preferred to do, but I hadn’t been able to resist. Sure, the lure of money had been a nice temptation, but after a year of vacation, I’d really just wanted to prove to myself that I was still at the top of my game…that I could beat Sartek’s security.
“And look how that turned out,” I muttered.
First, there was that extremely painful incident with my tail, which I still hadn’t forgotten about, followed almost immediately by Mauler’s betrayal and Monkeywrench’s death. Then I had to deal with Mauler and the Shielders chasing me around, trying to get their hands on the chip, and the Shielders trying to pull several fast ones once we had made an arrangement. And all that didn’t even include what had happened after Mauler had gotten his hands on the chip.
“At least we got the cash,” I thought aloud, remembering how Highwayman and Pinball had been quick to grab the briefcases as we left the scene of the big fight with Mauler and CHIP. Afterwards we’d split the money up five ways, sending Monkeywrench’s share to his family and keeping hold of Hexfire’s until we were able to contact her. Unfortunately, each of us also got a smaller share than what we’d originally been promised, but that was the risk of doing business. “For such a success, that job sure feels like a failure.”
I rubbed my temples, feeling tired and wondering when this business had stopped being fun. I’d been on vacation for a whole year because I just hadn’t been motivated to really do any jobs, and even after I officially came back from my sabbatical, I still found it hard to really get back into things. And instead of shaking me out of these doldrums like I’d hoped, this last job had only made me more aware of them.
“Maybe I’m getting too old for this life,” I whispered, thinking about the fact that I’d been in this business for thirty years. In my line of work, that was actually considered a pretty long career.
Ironically, this whole mess was due to the Mauler being concerned about his own career in the business. Mauler was a prop man, which meant that he was entirely reliant on his props…on his armor. And since his armor had been on the verge of failing, he was looking at the end of his career and had become desperate to correct that problem.
“Fat lot of good that did him,” I said with a sad shake of my head.
I had no idea if Mauler was even still alive, or if he was, what kind of condition Hexfire would leave him in. However, even if she’d released him completely unharmed, he was now without the armor that he relied on and no longer had the resources to continue as a villain. And with his betrayal, he’d also seriously damaged his reputation as a professional. One way or another, his career was now over. I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything but happy at that, though I was sad at the fact that he’d brought Monkeywrench’s career to such a tragic end in the process.
While I thought about these things, I began to wander around the roof top, looking out over the edge at the other buildings. Then I paused, my attention drawn to a nearby building that was about three stories shorter than this one, and the entire roof was well lit. It wasn’t the building itself that drew my attention, but a silhouette I saw moving across the roof.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I blurted out, seeing what seemed to be a feminine figure with horns and a tail.
After spending another half minute just watching the figure below, I decided to go take a closer look. I moved back a bit, then took a running leap, using my aura to put a little extra oomph into my jump so that I’d be able to reach the other roof. And then as I hit, I used my aura again to absorb the impact of landing on my feet.
“If it isn’t Mini-me,” I said, looking across the rooftop at the surprised face of Melissa, the girl I’d run into last Saturday. And like the last time I’d seen her, she was wearing plastic horns and a costume piece tail.
“IMP!” Melissa exclaimed, her worried and even fearful expression turning to one of excitement the moment she recognized me.
“Don’t tell me you’re tagging my logo again,” I told her, looking around the roof but not seeing any sign of graffiti.
Melissa shook her head emphatically. “I wasn’t doing that…”
“Then what are you doing out this late again?” I asked her curiously. “I mean, don’t you have school in the morning…?
Melissa giggled at that, then pointed out, “It’s Friday…”
I continued to give Melissa a curious look as I repeated, “So, what are you doing, running round on rooftops at night? You aren’t trying to rob this place, are you?”
“No,” she responded, giving a slightly guilty look before admitting, “I was looking for you…”
“For me?” I asked in surprise.
I looked around and suddenly realized that we were less than a block away from where I’d found Melissa the first time. I felt a little worried about that since if some untrained teenage girl could track me down, then so could a determined hero. Then again, both times I’d run into the girl, I’d been the one to spot her, so that made me feel a little better.
“Will you sign my horns?” Melissa blurted out, taking off her horns and giving me puppy dog eyes. “Please… You promised…”
I couldn’t help but grinning at the girl. “Sure, why not? Do you have a pen?”
Melissa suddenly let out a loud squee like some kind of fangirl and was practically bouncing around with excitement as she dug into her pocket to pull out a pen. I took the pen and horns, then paused, realizing that it would be a bit awkward to try signing those things. I looked around the roof and spotted a bench that had been set up near the stairwell. It looked like someone had set up their own smoking area, which was about what I needed at the moment.
“Come on,” I said, walking to the bench, where I sat down and could use my leg to support the plastic horns as I wrote in small letters, ‘To my biggest fan… The Imp…’
As soon as I handed the horns back to Melissa, she let out another squee and began to almost bounce with excitement again. “Thank you thank you thank you thank you…”
I laughed at Melissa’s reaction as well as just how different it was to have someone appreciate me. I wasn’t used to having fans asking for my autograph and mused, “I wonder if this is what it’s like for Blue Diamond.”
“You know Blue Diamond?” Melissa asked me in surprise.
“Of course,” I responded with a roll of my eyes. “I know all the local villains. We all hang out at the bar together after work, getting drunk and telling campfire stories…” Of course, there was a tiny bit of truth to that, otherwise places like the Black Mask or Superbad wouldn’t exist. “So, you’re a fan of Blue Diamond?”
“She’s kind of cool,” Melissa told me, clutching her horns tightly to her chest as though they were a prized possession. “But she’s not nearly as cool as you…”
I grinned at that, swishing my tail back and forth in pleasure. I could get used to this having a fan thing. Now that Melissa had my autograph, I kind of expected her to hurry off, but instead, she sat down on the bench beside me, watching me with a grin. I squirmed just a little uncomfortably from the attention since I wasn’t used to getting this kind. I kept expecting the other shoe to drop.
“So,” I asked, remembering the conversation we’d had last Saturday. “Have you told your dad that you’re a mutant yet?”
Melissa nodded at that, then gave me a somewhat self-conscious smile. “He was a little mad that I didn’t tell him earlier…but he didn’t yell at me or anything.”
“Not yelling is usually a good sign,” I said wryly.
Melissa nodded again, this time a little more emphatically. “He took me to this place that tested my powers and everything…” She rubbed her shoulder, as if remembering an injury, then pouted as she stated, “They shot me with rubber balls…and that hurt.” I nodded sympathetically, then watched as she brightened up again and cheerfully exclaimed, “But I got my MID and everything…” With that, Melissa jumped up off the bench and began digging around through her pocket until she pulled out an MID. She proudly handed it to me and stated, “My codename is Mischief…”
“I’m glad it wasn’t taken,” I told her with a chuckle.
I scanned the MID, seeing her codename at the top and then her power rating, which was listed as just being warper 3I. If I remembered right, the ‘I’ was the designation that specified that she was a dimensional warper of some kind. The MID also listed her techniques as short range teleportation, intangibility, and invisibility, though she’d already told me about those last week.
“They said I’m connected to some other dimension,” Melissa proudly explained to me, “and that all my powers are just because I’m going into that dimension different ways… If I go in one way, my body goes there but my looks stay here…and since I’m not really here, I can walk through walls. But I go in the opposite way…my body stays here but my looks go there…so no one can see me.” She suddenly turned invisible, though only for a few seconds before she popped back in front of me. “And if I go in all the way…” She suddenly vanished and reappeared halfway across the roof.
“You teleport,” I said in understanding.
Melissa nodded and then teleported again, reappearing back beside me but with a broad grin on her face. “It’s really cool…”
“It sure is,” I agreed with a chuckle, suddenly realizing that with her teleportation and invisibility power, she could probably pull off my vanishing trick even better than I ever could. I couldn’t help but feeling faint stirring of jealousy at that, though not much. I was actually far more amused by the girl in front of me than anything else.
Melissa grinned, seeming pleased that I approved of her powers. However, she deflated a little and admitted, “My powers are really fun…but they aren’t very strong. I mean, that’s about as far as I can teleport…and I can’t really take much with me.”
“Really?” I asked, looking to where she’d teleported, which was only about thirty yards away. That wasn’t a very impressive range at all, though even short range teleporting could be extremely useful in my line of work.
“I can only stay invisible for like…maybe a minute too,” Melissa admitted, seeming to deflate even more. “And I can’t stay intangible for very long either, because I can’t breathe when I’m like that and have to hold my breath the whole time…”
“Well, those certainly sound like some impressive powers to me,” I assured Melissa, trying to cheer her up. I put a comforting hand on her shoulder and added, “Sometimes, having a versatile power can be a lot better than having a strong one… I mean, instead of being able to do only one thing, you can do three different things, and that’s really cool…”
“Really?” Melissa asked, brightening up again.
“Besides,” I pointed out with a chuckle, “You only just got your powers. Once you practice with them or get older, they might get stronger too…”
Melissa grinned at that, obviously liking the idea. “I can’t wait,” she exclaimed, showing off her powers by teleporting around the roof. After about half a dozen hops, she reappeared beside me, looking a little tired. I guess that was one way for her to burn off some of that extra energy she seemed to have in abundance.
After a few minutes, Melissa gave me a curious look before hesitantly asking, “What’s it like being a bad guy?”
“I am NOT a bad guy,” I protested, taking a few steps away from Melissa and then getting into a sexy pose. “First off, I’m clearly not a guy… And secondly,” I shifted my voice into a sexy purr and added, “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way…”
Melissa burst into giggles at my performance so I straightened up and grinned back. “Everyone says that villains are supposed to mean and evil,” she told me with a grin. “But you aren’t… You’re really funny…”
“Thank you,” I said with a bow. Then a little more seriously, I told her, “The label of villain is a pretty broad one, and like the delicate little snowflakes we are, no two are alike.” Melissa giggled again. I grinned back and continued, “Sure, there are the guys who want to take over the world, hold all the pudding hostage, or kick cute little puppies just because they’re that mean…” I gave an exaggerated maniacal laugh at that for emphasis.
“Now you’re just being silly,” Melissa told me, though she was grinning broadly.
“For a lot of guy in the business, it’s just a job and they mostly it to pay the bills,” I continued cheerfully. “They act like professionals, put in a hard day at work, and when they’re off work, they hang up their spandex and go spend time with their families just like anyone else.” I shrugged at that. “I mean, there are even some villains who are really just trying to make the world a better place or doing what they believe is the right thing, even when it’s against the law.”
“Heroes aren’t really any different,” I said after a moment, frowning slightly as I said it. “Sure, you’ve got some who are really dedicated to saving people and doing the right thing…even if they do tend to be self-righteous, full of themselves and really really annoying…” I rolled my eyes and Melissa giggled yet again. “But you’ve also got ones who are in it for a photo op, so they can feel powerful and important, or because they’re bullies who just want to beat up on people without getting in trouble for it.” I shrugged at that, thinking about Fuzzy Wuzzy, who I put into the last category. “Things aren’t always as simple as good guy or bad.”
Melissa nodded at that, giving me a thoughtful look for a moment before she asked, “What about you? Why are you a villain?
“I’m a professional,” I answered after a moment. “I’m in the business for money, art, and excitement…not necessarily in that order.” Then I casually swung my tail back and forth as I cheerfully admitted, “But most people just think I’m a lunatic.”
Melissa grinned at that, announcing, “Well, I think you’re great…”
“Thank you,” I told her with a grin of my own. “It’s nice to be appreciated.”
“Can you teach me how to be a cool villain too?” Melissa asked, giving me the puppy dog eyes. “Please…”
“Sorry kiddo,” I told her, reaching out to ruffle her hair. “But like I told you last time, it isn’t a good business for a kid to get into…”
I paused, knowing full well that I was being a hypocrite since I hadn’t been much older than she was when I’d first gone into the business. Of course, I’d learned first-hand how dangerous it could be on this side of the law rather quickly, and fortunately for me, I found teachers who showed me the ropes and helped me become the Imp I am today.
Melissa looked disappointed and gave me the pleading puppy dog eyes. I had a feeling that she wasn’t going to give up on the idea of learning to be a villain very easily and I suddenly feared that she might run off and do something stupid, like trying to pull a heist on her own. And considering the fact that she’d already pulled something like that at the art gallery, it was a legitimate concern.
“Look,” I said, giving Melissa a serious look. “If I teach you how to pick locks and maybe a few other things…will you promise not to go into the villain business until you’re at least eighteen…and fully trained? I’ve seen people get hurt and even killed in my line of work, and I don’t want to see that happen to you.”
Melissa stared at me, her eyes going wide with excitement. She held her hand out and exclaimed, “It’s a deal…”
I shook her hand and smiled wryly, wondering what I’d gotten myself into. Ironically, teaching the kid how to do a few things that were illegal might very well be the best way to keep her out of trouble. Or at least, it was the best way I could think of, which might not be saying much. After all, I didn’t exactly have a lot of experience with kids.
“I’ll have to get a few tools and set things up,” I told Melissa as I considered everything I’d need, “so I won’t be able to give you any lessons tonight. We’ll have to do that another time…”
“How about tomorrow?” she asked, nearly bouncing with eagerness to begin.
“Not tomorrow,” I responded with a shake of my head. “I’m going to be out of town on business. How about Sunday evening?”
We talked about this for a few more minutes, agreeing to meet up in the same place. I just wondered how long it would take before she realized that with her powers, she didn’t really need to know how to pick locks. Of course, with my powers, I didn’t really need that skill either most of the time, but it was still a nice one to have. It’s always good to start with the basics anyway.
Once we’d scheduled her lesson, Melissa deflated a bit and reluctantly told me, “I’ve gotta go home…”
“Do you want me to give you a ride?” I asked hesitantly.
Melissa’s eyes widened at that and she quickly answered, “No thank you… If Dad finds out that I snuck out…he’ll kill me. And if he finds out I was talking to a super villain…” She paled slightly. “I’ll be grounded for life…”
“Well, I wouldn’t want that then,” I told her with a chuckle.
Melissa suddenly grabbed me in a hug, then when she pulled back, she flashed me a grin and announced, “Goodbye Imp… I’ll see you Sunday…” And with that, she suddenly vanished and was gone.
I just remained where I was for a moment, chuckling as I thought about Melissa. That girl was definitely something else. She was cheerful, bursting with enthusiasm, and even a bit crazy for running around New York City in the middle of the night, just so she could hang out with a super villain. Needless to say, I liked the kid. The fact that she had great taste in role models didn’t hurt either.
I was a little surprised to realize that I was actually looking forward to Sunday, and to giving her that lock picking lesson. If nothing else, I had a feeling that it was going to be quite entertaining for the both of us.
Though I wasn’t going to encourage Melissa by telling her this, she actually reminded me a great deal of myself back when I’d been that age...back when I’d been young and innocent. That was probably why I’d lowered my guard around her so quickly, and why I felt a connection even though I barely knew her.
I went back to the bench and casually sat down, but just as I settled my weight down, there was a loud ‘BLATTT’. I jumped back to my feet, hearing a burst of giggles from just a short distance away. Then as I reached down and found the whoopee cushion on the bench, the invisible girl ran towards the doorway and the stairway down, giggling loudly the entire time.
“Mischief is right,” I exclaimed once I stopped laughing. “She definitely lives up to that name.”
Any kid who was spunky enough to slip a whoopie cushion under an infamous super villain and sneaky enough to get away with it, was someone I would be more than proud to teach…and maybe one day even call my protégé. I knew there was a reason I liked her.
--------------------
Shielders Headquarters, New Jersey, Saturday Evening, May 26th, 2007
Many super hero groups who were comprised of full time members, had live in headquarters, a place where they could stay and be ready for an emergency call at any time, day or night. The Shielders might have been a little more mercenary than most hero groups, but in this regard, they were no different.
The Shielders were back in their headquarters after a long day of whatever it was they did when they weren’t harassing poor little Imps, and they were all winding down and relaxing. I’d actually slipped into the place a few hours ago, while they were all gone, and I’d remained here in hiding, waiting patiently on their return.
With several hours of access to their headquarters, the opportunities for mischief had been nearly unlimited. I could have left Brandywine a stack of Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlets, put a showgirl outfit in Miss Magic’s closet, or stolen every pair of underwear from the Emerald Underwear’s dresser drawer, and I had definitely been tempted to do each of those. However, as fun as that all would have been, those little pranks would have distracted from the real purpose I was here, and my message would have become lost in the crowd.
I’d come all the way to New Jersey and had snuck inside this base for one reason and one reason only. Fuzzy Wuzzy. The cute little...or not so little…hairball and I still had some unfinished business, and I was in the process of taking care of it.
At the moment, I was standing in the middle of Fuzzy Wuzzy’s quarters, having just put a children’s book in the center of his bed. That was just one small part of what I had in mind, though I’d already arranged the other part while everyone had been out.
Fuzzy Wuzzy was currently in his private bathroom next door, taking a long shower. I grinned as I listened to the sound of the water coming down, and even to his bad singing, which I wish I’d been able to record. I even giggled a little in anticipation, knowing what was coming.
Then it finally came, a howl of panic from the bathroom, followed a moment later by the cry of, “My hair…”
“Gotcha,” I said with an evil grin, thinking about the devisor strength depilatory I’d acquired from a contact and had slipped into his jumbo sized bottle of shampoo. From the screaming and howls of panic coming from the bathroom, I had no doubt that it was working. “Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Imp.”
Fuzzy Wuzzy had not only pulled my tail, but he’d swung me around by it, causing me not only immense pain, but also humiliation. Then on top of that, he’d added insult to injury by laughing about it and repeatedly calling me ugly. And as Chickenhawk had warned him, I took that kind of thing personally.
After listening for a few more seconds, I turned and started to make my way out of the headquarters, satisfied that my little message had been successfully delivered. The only thing that could have made this better was if I’d been able to see the look on Fuzzy Wuzzy’s face when all of his fur had started to fall out. However, that would have meant hiding in his bathroom and seeing him naked, and that was something I just hadn’t been willing to do.
“Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,” I said with a grin, quoting the lines from the children’s book that I’d just left on the bed. “Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t very fuzzy then was he?”
The End