I had been party to a gay bashing that had turned violent, a lot more violent than I had expected. I was one of those people who felt poorly about the treatment they’ve received tonight but never saw it from the other side like this. I justified lashing out at people like sports officials, opponents, boys, and girls who had teased me. I graduated, so to speak, into graffiti and vandalism. But in November things went wrong as the violence got out of hand for even me, plus I got caught.
There were about four cars of us and five of them, not carloads but individuals, the ‘them’ were gay, transgendered kids from our school. They had a habit of walking together before or after dances or events on Friday night. I figured they would run and we’d chase them with most getting away and we’d hassle the ones we caught. The only one I knew well is Randy and at 6’ 2” and being a starting end for the football team he would be the surest one to getaway.
I’m, Brad 5’9”, and weighed 135 pounds at the beginning of school. While I have gotten into fights they have all been one on one or sometimes me jumping in on the side of a friend.
Last September I had been beaten up by two bigger guys, so I took to be in a group so it would never happen again. That night in November was the second time when we fought with someone. The previous time it was us, one carload of five getting after two guys, one who got away and the other whose shirt got ripped, he was pushed down and we beat on him until he cried. I wasn’t proud of it but I didn’t feel bad either.
This time, two cars of us pulled alongside of them and two carloads waited until they ran. I was in the group that got out, but to my surprise the two gay girls, yes I know now to call them lesbians or just by their names. Well, they and one guy ran. The gals ran between some buildings and houses on the next block; one of them was hit with a rock and once they were safe went to the hospital. The big surprise for me was Randy didn’t run.
Marvin tried to run but was quickly stopped. There were seven of us, two of the guys took Marvin to the side. I yelled at Randy to try running, I would have even let him get past me. Instead, Randy looked at me and said, “You wouldn’t be doing this if there weren’t more of you, you’re a punk.” He shouldn’t have called me a punk, so I ran at him to knock him down. Well, I didn’t knock him down but I did bump him into two others, causing him to fall.
I didn’t know one of them had a small bat and he hit Randy in the leg and another guy had a small knife and he cut Randy. Once someone said blood; I fell next to Randy telling the others, “Getaway.” I guess Randy had been hit and kicked a time or two. He was grimacing and holding his leg with his cut hand which made things look really bad.
I stayed with Randy and Marvin until the cops were turning onto the street. As I try to run Randy took hold of my wrist and I got caught. Eight of us would get caught and charged. One police sergeant told us that night, “If you hadn’t injured them as you did, I could have let us off with a warning.” ‘Really (?), I’ll be in trouble at home, but I doubt that would be so for Bart or Jake.’
Many people are horrified that it happened in our community. Friends, people at school, and neighbors are horrified because I’ve always been seen as a good guy, “One they would never suspect.” I’m right about being in more trouble at home. I’ve been grounded until my court appearance and maybe after if I’m not in juvenile detention. I had a part-time job that I am still working at but all my pay has been going to Randy and Bridgette for expenses not covered by insurance.
I would have lost my job if I remained visible to the public. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how one looks at it; I’m able to work in the stock area receiving supplies for trucks and doing janitor jobs out of sight.
My court appearance comes up the second week of January and the only suspense should be what my sentence will be. What I did was known that I was pleading guilty. My parents were hoping I would get a plea agreement. My lawyer said that wasn’t likely since my deposition pretty much documented the District Attorney’s case against Jake, Bart, and me.
I was a little surprised that Claude, Robin, Bridgette, Marvin, and Randy were all here. None of them has been willing to talk to me since the incident. I even tried to stop at the Thomas’ to see Randy after he was home from the hospital and another time with my parents.
The Judge asked me to stand and he was to read the charges against me. “Bradley Lincoln, just this morning I have received notice that you are now being charged as an adult. The charges are terrorizing, bodily injury with the use of weapons. Since the charges have been changed from those committed by a juvenile to that of an adult, I would entertain a request for a continuance; how do you plea?”
I look back to my parents; I’m scared as I was already worried about my treatment in a Juvenile Detention Center. My Mom’s crying and Dad is focused on her. I quickly look over to Randy and the others. The Judge asked again, “Bradley, how do you plead?”
“Your Honor, I probably should ask for the continuance as I am scared, but it’s been hard to wait and be in court today. I acknowledge I am guilty.”
The District Attorney stands and asked, “Your Honor may I approach the bench with a request of the victims as the complaintives.” He granted the request and took a large envelope that he gives to the judge. The Attorney steps back.
The Judge read and then states, “I am going to ask that Bradley be placed in custody until 2:00 p.m. so I might consider this most unusual request.” Since I had only been in jail part of one night, it was spooky being taken to the jail today. Some of the men already in jail had fun at my expense. Officer Jurgens said, “Sorry kid, but these aren’t the convicted criminals you will see in prison, these are fairly tame.”
It was 10:30 when I’m put in my cell and 1:30 when they are to come to take me back. I’d been given a fish sandwich and other food on a tray for lunch but no utensils. Officer Jurgens tells me, “If you even look like you are loosening your belt or going to harm yourself, I will take your belt and have someone staying right next to you.” I didn’t eat anything and I had trouble holding down my breakfast. Having Officer Jurgens took me back to court was kind of a relief.
I’m standing in court as Judge Daniels enters. “Bradley have you seen the movie Gandhi recently?”
I tell him, “We saw the movie in December as part of our world history class.”
“I would like to meet with the Defendant and the lawyers involved in this case in my chambers.”
Back in the judge’s chamber room, we meet and Judge Daniels spoke, “Bradley the people you have hurt are seeking to extend an olive branch of sorts. Before I consider making a ruling on it; I want to know if you would be willing to accept the following agreement:”
It stated,“As part of sentencing, the five of us would like to convey to Bradley, face to face the hurt he has caused us. We would like a formal agreement whereby he be our friend and acts accordingly for the following year. That he be willing to be Randy Thomas’ boyfriend and act accordingly for the coming year. This would include holding hands and allowing Randy to put his arm around Bradley’s waist and to go on dates and study together as possible and is beneficial to five students. This would not require Bradley to kiss Randy or allow touching considered inappropriate based on their friendship at the time or contrary contact or displays of personal affection according to school policy on the display of public displays of affection. Lastly, that Bradley would be given five years of probation and the requirement of obtaining counseling as approved by the court. This would be in place of any time he is sentenced to serve for these crimes.”
Bradley are you willing to accept this agreement if it would be offered to you instead of the sentence of imprisonment?”
“I would be willing to consider and accept it, pending the hearing of my sentence and if I find the imprisonment more severe.”
Judge Daniels says, “I will place the sentence I am prepared to pass on you into this envelope and give it to the bailiff for when we meet in court. You are excused until the court reconvenes in thirty minutes. Any objections by the defense or prosecution should be made at that time.
I am allowed to use a restroom and then I am with my lawyer and family as we go back in the courtroom. My defense lawyer has shared the terms of the possible agreement with my parents. My Mom, Gloria Lincoln, shares. “Bradley, whatever the sentence I want you to accept this agreement. Whatever you have not come to understand about your actions you would in the following year. I don’t want you going to prison.”
Dad speaks, “Son I think you do well to consider the sentence and take the lesser of the two. Both sentences are against your interest; hopefully, you would be sentenced to a medium-security prison and protected from harm."
My brother and sister decide to remain quiet.
People file back into court along with several reporters and one television camera. “Will everyone rise for the Honorable Judge Daniels?”
The Judge sat, as does everyone else in court save my lawyer and me. “Bradley Lincoln, you have been offered an alternative to serving the sentence I am ready to pass judgment upon you for the crimes you committed in November of last year. My sentence in light of treating you as an adult is as follows: I am required to sentence you to no less than seven years for the crimes of hate and reckless and mischievous harm you have caused to which you have pled guilty. I hereby sentence you to ten years in no less than a medium-security prison with the following requirement of probation of five years if you are paroled before serving your full sentence.”
“Now I ask you young man would you be willing to abide by the suggestion received by the Court instead of the sentence I have passed upon you?”
I am terribly shaken by the sentence and while I feel it is harsh my lawyer had shared the sentence could be up to fifteen years in maximum security where I would hopefully be placed in isolation for my own safety. But even that would be very dangerous to my mental health.
My voice is shaky and tears can’t be held back, “Your Honor, I accept the agreement understanding those I have offended are being gracious and merciful to me.” I fall back into my seat crying with my hands covering my face. I am hoping that the agreement is a done deal and settled.
Judge Daniels says, “Seeing the young adults and the parents of those offended and those of the defendant, I will individually request each of you to declare your willingness to accept this agreement. Bridgett Cameron’s parents and Randy Thomas’ parents voice their displeasure with the kindness their daughter and son are showing. But they do agree to abide by the agreement as do the other parents. My Mom agreed as did my father after a moment of hesitation.”
“Bradley, I hope your remorse is sincere and I warn you against wavering in your compliance. You are likely to experience ridicule and judgment from various people; I consider that as part of the consequences of your actions. The guidelines and parameters of compliance and what is appropriate to expect of you will be spelled out by the court within thirty days. Your agreement will begin upon your leaving the court today.
The judge permits Claude, Robin, Bridgette, Marvin, and Randy to proceed with their face-to-face remarks to me. Feeling their disdain for my actions and the hurt especially beyond their physical injuries made me wonder why they offered their agreement. Marvin in many ways was even more moving in his remarks than Bridgett or Randy. Randy's speaking hurt me deeply because of the friend I hurt and his asking me to be his boyfriend.
Randy’s Mother asks to speak to the court, but already at 6:00 p.m. Judge Daniels denies her request. Since I am a minor, my parents are required to sign my agreement with me.
I’m surprised with the end of the trial, Randy, Marvin, and Bridgett come up to me and wait for my parents to finish hugging me. I extend my hand to shake hands with them but Randy’s arms fly open for a hug. I am not quite ready for it but I hear my Mom. “Just start accepting their friendship now.” Randy warmly hugs me and I believe he kissed the top of my head. Marvin shakes my hand. Bridgett puts her hands on each of my shoulders, waits for me to look her in the eyes. “Don’t expect this to be easy, but I am glad you agreed to it.” With that said, she pulls me into a hug. The guy who I am, I would have rather been the one embracing her, but I know she doesn't see me that way.
Marvin says, “I am Jewish and my parents would like you and whoever desires to go to eat with us now as a sign of enemies uniting in an agreement as of peace.” I’m exhausted and do not want to go, but Marvin’s mom said, “Others need not come Bradley, but I believe you need to honor your agreement to befriend Marvin.” I look to Mom and Dad. I know Dad is uncomfortable. “I will go with you Brad,” I hear Mom speaking behind me and feel her hand on my shoulder.
As we leave the courtroom a camera was smack in my face as the reporter places her microphone in front of me. “Bradley, what do you honestly think about being required to be friends to lesbians and gay boys you were part of attacking?” Mom’s hand is again upon my shoulder and Dad tells me to move. I stop, “Besides being a lot nicer than the alternative. Randy and I were friends and most everyone in school likes and respects him as well as the others.”
“Yes, but you weren’t seen as his boyfriend then. What do you think about going on a date with him?”
“I am not sure what I feel about it or how I’ll handle it. I agreed to it and somehow I need to take my word good again.” I felt Mom’s tug so I walk away and don’t respond to any more questions.
Mom, Cathy, and I go to the restaurant the Huffman’s select. Randy, Robin, and her parents join us there. Cathy, my older sister and she had come back from college to be here for me. After we ordered, Mr. Huffman suggests we individually pray before our meal. Cathy speaks up, “My family is comfortable if you would say a prayer for us.” Robin’s family and Randy all agree.
I’m initially uncomfortable when Randy asks Cathy if he can switch with her and sit next to me. Randy is mostly interested in just visiting with me, telling me what he likes. He shows me his hand that was cut and how it has healed. I asked about his broken leg and he told me it was severe but had stayed in line. The biggest problem is that there was a crack from the break that went up to the knee. Something about the growth plate might be affected if he grew noticeably.
During the dinner, Marvin asks, “Did you understand our reference alluding to Gandhi and the movie?” I could see Robin and Randy nodding in affirmation of his question.
“I think you’re referring to the man I believe he was Hindu and he or others had killed the parents of a very young Muslim child and he came to ask Gandhi what he should do. Gandhi said he should raise the boy as own child but raise the boy as Muslim.” I paused in thought, “I think you are challenging me in my friendship with you and as a boyfriend to Randy to learn what it means to ‘be’ as one identifying as gay and lesbian.”
Robin challenged Cathy, “Could you express Brad’s challenge if he were you and you were to be my girlfriend?”
Cathy speaks up saying, “Wow that’s powerful. If you were one of my friends and I found I was falling in love with you. Well I know we’re both female with so much the same but now I’d be challenged to embrace my identity as a lesbian as well as you as my girlfriend. Parts I think neat because most women get frustrated by how many men think. I would share many of the same senses of sensuality and gender identity. But I am sure I would be challenged to see you and me anew as well as the dynamics of our relationship. Like Brad, it would be challenging.”
“I think the real Brad is a neat guy, so I’m interested in how my brother will be a friend and boyfriend.” Randy and Robin understood all she said way better than me or even Marvin, I think.
Megan Thomas speaks up, “It is not as simple as sweet Brad reading a book on Blacks and thinking he’s Black. Even if someone spits on Bradley it will only mean he has a taste of others seeing him as gay, transgendered, or a criminal. It won’t be the same as Randy being gay.” There’s a mother's hurt and anger being expressed as well as a challenge to understand that I won’t understand.
The meal is good and most of the time visiting is enjoyable enough, but it weighs heavy capping the day as it has been.
It was 9:30 when we leave the restaurant and Cathy asks me, “Brad, did you know that you were acting submissive to Randy and Bridgett?” Mom tells her, “I think the expression should be passive, but that is how your brother generally acts unless he is putting on an attitude.” I don’t fully agree or understand what they mean. Cath will be heading back to college in the morning so she stays up to visit with me.
“Brad, what do you plan to do when Randy wants to hold your hand, give you a kiss, or date you?” “Sis I don’t really want to think about that.”
“Well, I think you should think about it before other people are around you and it happens. Remember you didn’t think before when you went along with something stupid and hurtful.” It felt Cathy hit me below the belt, but it makes me think she knows what she is saying.
“Cathy, what do you think I should do? I’ve only kissed two girls. I wonder what girls are going to think of me when they see Randy holding my hand?”
“Aren’t you afraid of what guys will think?”
“Sure I will be but I don’t hope to date any of them.” Cathy laughs at the thinking of her youngest brother. “My first problem will probably be whether Leann and Rick will still be my friends.”
“Brad the lone suggestion I will give you if you and Randy kiss is to keep your lips together.”
“O yuck Sis, did you really have to say that?”
“Well do you remember I dated Rob Morgan? I wasn’t ready when he kissed me and I got his slobbering tongue.”
“Sis you are grossing me out. As far as Randy is concerned I will tell him I won’t ever be kissing him especially on the lips.”
I had a dream, Sara giggles, “Robin asked if she and I could double date with you and Randy.”
“You wouldn’t,” I say and then wonder about her silence. I’m pretty sure she is just teasing. Despite a warm shower, I hadn’t slept well.
The next morning I am up and ready by usual time and almost out the door when the doorbell rings. It is Randy he’s come to take me to school. Robin and Bridgett are in the car waiting. “O’ I was going to walk.” Randy smiles, I thought I would like to give you a ride to and from school when I can.” I say goodbye to my Mom and Cathy. Mom will give Brian a ride to the middles school.
Randy offers me his hand and even comes with me to my side of the car. They talk on the way to school and I’m even quiet for me. I do say, “I’m surprised you even want to be seen with me.” Bridgett says “Ditto but we did it anyway.”
Randy patted me on the shoulder, it’s strange. It didn’t feel like I thought. Randy is strong and while he’s kind of gentle it is not like I thought it might be. Yeah, I know he’s strong and in good condition but I’ve been told what it would feel like and it isn’t.
It is only Wednesday and as we pull into the parking lot Randy asks about Friday. “Will you go out with me Friday night? We could either see a late movie or get something to eat after you are off from work.” Seemingly he knows I’m to work from four to eight. We’re now walking into school and while we’re close Randy is not holding my hand or anything.
“I would need to go home and take a quick shower and change; I’m a little grubby after work.” Randy smiles and says, “It’s a date then.” He didn't say it very loud, but several heads turn, I’m pretty sure they heard him. Randy leaves me at my locker and goes. I won’t see him until after lunch in World History.
I’m glad Randy is a junior and we only have one class together and not even lunch. I go to lunch planning to eat with Rick and Kevin two friends, but they go separate ways from me when Marvin, Gordy, and Bridgett show up. No, Gordy is not the guy who ran away that night. I’m not even sure Gordy is gay or anything. Gordon asks, “Have you been hassled any yet?”
“A few names, a few guys and even two girls blocking my path and I don’t know which bumps were intentional. I’m getting psyched out a bit.”
“The time I saw you knocked into the lockers was intended,” said Bridgett. “You were smart not to react back.”
“You mean too afraid? Yes, he was bigger and his friends were with him.”
“Randy’s asked a couple of friends to help protect you,” Gordy says. “I have agreed.”
“Do you mind if I ask,” I began to say?
Gordy cuts me off, “I kinda do, but the answer is no, I’m a friend of Randy’s but you already knew he had some straight friends.”
“Zing” I deserved that. “I hope you and your old friends are in the minority, but it's weak friends like you who make them seem more.” That wasn’t a ‘zing’ it’s a buzz saw at the knees.
I try to say something, Gordy says, “Shut up for now!”
The next class is World History and Ms. Hahn says Randy and I can sit together if we don’t talk too much. She doesn’t have to worry about me or us, but the students around us and across the room. Ms. Hahn asks, “Does anyone know a local event that matches some of the national and world news going on?”
I think half those who are silent are because they don’t put two and two together. The other half are worried the obvious answer might not be what she wants or they are afraid of our feelings being hurt. Mary Schibb raises her hand, “Brad, and hate crimes and discrimination.”
“Now we will talk about it half the period and then we will move on,” Ms. Hahn said. “I for one am glad that our watching the Gandhi film proved to be beneficial.” Gordy responds, “In the movie and book we’re not told if the man did as Gandhi suggested. Movies can allude to the ending one wants to hear. Hate is still alive and sick, I gather many times it isn’t successful.”
Mary sets another question, “Is it just because of hatred?” Bill one of the smaller sophomores speaks up, which is unusual. “It is part of the power of violence as well as many who won’t speak up for those without it.” The whole class is silent for over a minute. Ms. Hahn asks, “Bill could you explain that?”
“Well the way I see it, Bradley was part of the quiet group until he got beat up; then he joined the violent group and seeking not to go to jail people have taken up Gandhi’s idea.” Again the class is quiet save Ms, Hahn; “I’d rather we don’t single out individuals. I guess I should have stated it differently.” It was between Gordy, Bridgett, and me who would be called next. “Are you sure, you want to speak Bradley?”
“No, but I kind of need to. Unfortunately, Bill is right on correct. My chance to change my story is in my hands. Not to lose what Bill is saying, there are some here who get violent and there are more who tend to stay quiet.”
Bridgett adds “The fact our world will never be perfect is one of the excuses for keeping it that way.”
I haven’t confirmed it, but someone said Ms. Hahn was called into a meeting with Principal Hendrichs and the Superintendent. I text Mom from the boys’ room before I get home…
To be continued…
(Caution: This story talks about violence, gender bigotry, and personal relationships. Depending on one’s viewpoint it could be seen going too far, not far enough or whatever. Bradley Lincoln is an offender, who has been part of the so-called silent majority to a fault and may end up in relationships that are contrary to where he’s been. The story bases itself in part from a smaller story within the film Gandhi.)
GILK 2 begins… Bridget is next to me come last period and again as we leave school, we're heading for Randy’s Chevy Malibu. Randy catches up to us and asks, “Brad can you come with me to tonight’s basketball game.”
I usually go when I’m not working, so no excuse. “I can get back here on my own.”
He says, “I can pick you up and get you back boyfriend; I’ll plan to pick you up fifteen minutes before six.” That means we’ll be watching two games. “The girl’s varsity plays first so Robin’s sister is playing and Robin will be there.” We drive around for a bit Randy drops off Bridget and then me, “Hey Brad, I would appreciate if you’d look decent for us.” He smiles as he presses for a kiss as I get out. I’m amused and smile, “See you later Randy.”
Mom teaches in another school, but I can see she’s already home. “So how was your day Brad?”
“Just a bunch of small things and stuff; Ms. Hahn had us talk about my stuff to get it out in the open and move on. I’m hoping she’s not in any trouble for doing it. I think she and the class handled it well. You should have heard Bill Scott speak up. All in all, I think it went pretty good for me. But I can sense it won’t be fun.”
“Randy’s picking me up for the basketball games tonight before 6:00. He teased me not to be my relaxed self with my choice of clothes.”
Mom says, “You mean he suggested you’re usually sloppy and that it will be good for you to get used to dressing better.”
I change jeans but Mom sends me back; “They don’t need to be new or anything special but that’s not presentable.”
I said, “Mom there’s a pair of Cathy’s socks on my bed.”
Mom says, “Your sister thought wearing something like that won’t be noticeable to others, but it would remind you your world is different. She said “She didn’t want you snapping out of character as you make the adjustment to living within the agreement and not blowing things. She doesn't want you blowing your agreement and going to jail."
The next pair of jeans is fashionably frayed and Mom relaxes. Mom has food in the oven that I can eat when I get home. I get a small snack to hold me over. I don’t have extra money.
The doorbell rings at 5:30; Randy’s here early and I let him in. “Hi Mrs. L, I’m giving Brad my ring; I hope you’re okay with that. You might be able to help him with wearing a larger ring.” Mom giggles a bit, “I guess most boys aren't used to getting a ring that’s too big. Brad put it on; let’s see how big it is.”
It isn’t terribly big but goes over my knuckle with no problem. “So Brad can either get a gold chain for it or tape it until it fits on a finger...” “Mom that isn’t funny...” She says, “You’re lucky ‘letter’ sweaters have gone out of fashion.”
Randy says on the way to the car, “Brad, I hope you can handle it, but if you do or don’t it’s your problem to get used to being my boyfriend.”
“You know it’s a bit early for you to expect me to feel anything.” My voice cracks and I feel some tears as Randy give me a hug.
He says, "We’ve been friends for years and since you’re a guy it’s not a big stretch for me.” The ring is taped and on my ring finger on my right hand. We’re standing in line to present our student passes. Jeff and Mandy are ahead of us and turn around to say hello.
Mandy is observant and notices the ring quickly, “Quick going Brad, you know us girls are going jealous you’re with that big hunk.” “Congrats Randy, though I think you deserve better. Sorry, Brad but you need to prove yourself, you know Randy’s special.” It’s nice to have Mandy visiting with us. I’m not sure when Randy began holding my hand, but he is as we are walking along courtside and up into the stands.
As Jeff and Mandy get to a row of open seats, Mandy turns and tells Randy, “It would be nice if you sit with us.” Randy gives me a small push to follow them. Mandy even changes seats to sit next to me. She smirks and giggles, “So Brad how does it feel to have a regular date and a class ring from your beau?” She pauses and looks, “I’m not trying to be funny, I just want to carry a conversation with you.”
I tell her, “He just shared the ring before we came; I’m sorry but I’m shy and naturally quiet.”
“Not quite and it won’t do. Get into the program, you should be happy and honored. You should be showing the ring like this,” holding out her ring to show me. “Go ahead and take my hand to look at my ring that Jeff gave.” “Since you’re out of circulation, we can celebrate with each other.” Randy has a hand around my back and is leaning to hear the conversation.
Their playing the national anthem to start the girls’ game and everyone stands up. Robin and Bridgett come over and join us as the game begins. I suspect they’re smiling, wondering why were over with the more popular crowd. We do get a few stares but once Mandy stands and stares back things calm down significantly. Mandy looks over to me; “So goes a couple of us silent ones.” I didn’t see Karen Craft a classmate behind us but she’s standing up with Mandy.
Randy smiles and thanks them; I squeeze Randy’s hand in acknowledgment. He leans and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.” He has some water in his eye. “Don’t apologize, I understand what it means to you, and you're not doing it to embarrass me.”
Believe it or not, we are following the basketball game as we visit with Mandy, Robin, and Bridget. Our team goes up by as many as seven, but the lead is back to two by half time. Mandy suggests I follow her down. She says, “Hey, I didn’t want to say anything, but nice socks. Are they your sisters or yours?” I close my eyes and bow my head before I look down. I don’t see them and don’t have the foggiest how she noticed the difference even if she got a glimpse.
She lifts my jeans’ leg just a fraction. “They’re thinner than guy’s socks so your feet fit a bit differently. It’s a girl thing I noticed. ...So what’s with wearing the socks?” We’re now in line for a snack. I don’t intend to be here as I don’t have any money on me. Mandy smirks, “Two diet cokes please.” Randy hands me two dollars from behind. Mandy holds onto my sleeve, “When you tell me you can go.”
“Cathy gave them, suggesting I would remember that I’m different now.” She looks one more time and at a group of her friends lifting my slacks. Karen and a friend Trish notice. Thankfully Mandy takes them away. Randy has some popcorn and a drink. He offers to share the popcorn. He quickly finishes his drink. “We should use the restroom. I don’t want you going in there alone later.”
The second half, I’m talking mostly with Randy. I’m glad to find he hasn’t changed much other than getting taller and filling out a bit. We had been good friends until just over a year ago. Bridget asks that I sit next to them during the boys’ game. I'm not used to being popular for any reason good or bad.
The girls are barely holding their lead, and two of our players have fouled out and another left the game, seemingly sick. Mandy says, “She has the flu.” I've joined in cheering out loud, which I don't usually do. With thirty-five seconds one girl is free and shoots a three-point shot and makes it as she’s fouled. Our stands went wild and Randy and I turn and hug. Without thinking I look up and we kiss. It lasts but a few seconds, and only a few people saw it including Mandy turning back toward us. “Go, girl!”
Randy says, “No he’s a guy, I like them.” Mandy raises her hand to Randy for a gentle five.
I’m sitting down, looking down; I’m afraid to look around. Robin didn’t see what happened and asks Randy. With the game soon over, there will be thirty minutes before the boy’s game. Randy stays with me to talk. We do talk but I finally need some space and I go alone.
A guy I know to see but not well, steps in my way. “It’s going to be a long year if you get comfortable in your new role.”
I know he’s being derogatory but it doesn’t seem like he saw the kiss. “So what’s your point,” I ask?
“Just suggesting, I could give you an attitude adjustment if you want to go outside.” He pauses “It can mean whatever you want.” Randy spots us, but I wave him away. A school person asks, “Is everything okay?”
“No problem that I’m aware of,” I say. I go over and take hold of Randy’s hand. “Can we sit back down?” Gordy and another football player ask Randy if help is needed. “Just support and friendship, it’s a good night so far.” Gordy and a couple of guys come and sit nearby.
Randy scoots close to me and lowers his voice. “I’m surprised we kissed, especially as you kissed me as well.”
“I know I could kick myself; I think I was so set on not doing it. Then I got caught up in the moment.”
Randy asks, “Are you alright now?”
“I’m glad we're friends, but things have changed. I want to be upset with someone. Don’t tell anyone but I…” I don’t know what to say.
“Brad, it’s okay, we’re friends and we felt the same way.”
“But I’m not…” Randy waits for me to speak but I don’t. “You’re not gay is that what you want to say?” We are both quiet and glad when the game begins. It gives us a diversion.
The guys’ game is good but it’s harder to keep track of and visit at the same time. I don’t know why. Come half time I notice Randy and I are turning our heads for different people passing by. The game is pretty much decided with four minutes on the clock. Randy suggests it’s a good time to leave.
When we pull into my driveway we talk more. Randy tells me, he had us leave early just in case someone had plans to bother us. We were both impressed with Mandy, Karen and others who were visibly friendly tonight. Randy says that doesn’t usually happen.
Randy asks about the guy who confronted me. “As long as they’re close to my size I think I can handle them. It’s the surprises me that worried me. I guess the guys using a bat and knife have me thinking. I shouldn’t be surprised.”
I say, “It’s strange to my thinking that a guy I’m with likes guys.”
Randy smiles, “Does it bother you that I find you attractive?” Another white elephant in the room is mentioned. I take Randy over to the side door; it is not as well lit.
“I saw us looking different ways when girls and guys were walking nearby. It helps we’re friends already and I kind of like knowing a good football player. I was surprised that Mandy wasn’t blown away when she saw the kiss.”
Randy put his arm in front of me, blocking the door. “You didn’t answer my question.”
“I don’t know how to answer it.” I have a strange thought about us kissing. I wrap my arms around Randy in a hug. My eyes are to the top of Randy’s shoulders as we hug and I’m leaning my head on him looking away. I sure I don’t want to be tempted again, but as I push back and look up I’m not as sure. We don’t kiss but I am tempted and I don’t understand that.
“It’s natural to be friends but guys just do things and hang around. I don’t understand the desire to be a boyfriend like you see it. I’m not tall or strong; I’m not like you being a good receiver and girls saying you’re a stud. I’m just average.”
Randy smiles, takes his arm away saying, “I’ll tell you another time.”
I go in the house hoping to get things out of my mind. I’m somewhat hungry and heat some dinner to have something to do. I heated up a healthy portion of the dinner mom prepared. But as it is ready and I begin to plate it up, Mom puts a scoop of cottage cheese on my plate.
I look to Mom, “Did you see Randy tap your gut when he picked you up earlier? I hadn’t noticed but you’ve gotten a little pudgy there.”
“I don’t think I need to be losing weight for him?”
Mom retorts, “No, do it for you.” The discussion seems insignificant to me as I like cottage cheese as it balances off supper. I told my parents about most of the night’s events. Dad didn’t know about Cathy’s socks and Mom didn’t seem surprised that Mandy noticed.
It takes a while to get my studies done, shower and get to bed. The next two days go without any special incidents, save going to the boy’s room without a friend around. But it’s just not normal for a guy to ask someone to go to the restroom with him. I take two punches to the gut and dished out a shot to Davis’ eye, neither get reported. Randy says, “I understand, I just hope your punch won’t come back to haunt you.”
Working Thursday and Friday go better as I’m able to stock shelves out on the floor again. Randy picks me up from work. It would have only taken ten minutes to change and wash up but Mom and Randy say I really needed a shower. It did help to revive me, but I didn’t notice any change.
I wanted to eat a snack but Randy says we will be getting some pizza. Tonight Randy has a long double strand gold chain. Mom helps me switch his ring over to the necklace for the night. Luckily the ring and necklace are mostly out of sight. Two of the group of guys we meet up with take an added interest in meeting me until Randy tells them he’s my boyfriend. Woe, I'm not used to this kind of interest or being saved by being a guy’s boyfriend.
The discussion shifts from cars to sports to the stuff of interest to gay guys. “You know dude, there’s more to fashion than basic jeans and Levis. We walk through the mall and I'm surprised by the number of unisex clothes that’s there. Randy tells me, “You know Brad if you take half of your pay to expand your wardrobe, the group won’t mind.”
“And you’re telling me you would like it,” I say.
“Yes, something like that.”
We’re soon at the Pizza tower and for six guys we order two pizzas. Robin and Bridget show up and now sitting room around the table is at a premium. John, one of the guys suggests Randy offer me his lap which Randy does. I’m hoping they’re not serious until Randy whispers, “Please it won’t hurt you to help out.
Robin takes to sharing the chair sitting side by side with Bridget. Robin looks to me, “I don’t think it will work for you.” I tell Robin about the idea of buying some clothes. “They’re not suggesting a whole wardrobe, but yes, I think it would be good. If you or you and your Mom would like I could go with you.”
I tell Robin and Bridget, “I’m not sure how my folks will take to the idea?”
“Your Dad no, but I think your Mom will agree that it would be helpful. We’re not talking about gender change but style as a metro guy. Plus it would come out of your work money, not from your folks.” ‘Work’, I need to be at work by 9:00 a.m. tomorrow.
After half a diet coke and a slice of pizza, I go to the bathroom. Only the toilet is available so I use it. Only to come back to the sink with two guys asking, “So you’re afraid to show your ‘panties’?” I try ignoring them and get the door open before I’m being pulled back.
The owner Tony comes over, “I don’t want any trouble here.”
“I don’t either Tony,” I say. As I pull out of their grip my wrist is cut by a ring or key. The bleeding isn’t great nor does it hurt much.
Tony tells them, “Okay you two pay your bill and get out.”
“We’re just regular guys; we’re not the ones who should leave.” The other offers, “Just let us quietly finish and Joe and I’ll go.”
Joe puts on an attitude that does not go well with Tony, “Unless Tony makes pretty boy here leave we’re staying.”
Tony’s pretty set now, “You’re paying and leaving now.”
Joe gets to their table and takes his coat but puts down the table check. “We’re going.”
Tony says, “The check, you need to pay the check.”
I reach for my wallet, “I can pay for it, Tony. I’ll treat them as my date that will be good for their reputation.” Joe gets out his money, throws down twenty-five dollars and walks out with his friend following him. Randy hurries over once the guys are out.
Tony says, “Thanks, for waiting Randy.” Randy later explains Tony’s remark that in waiting there wasn’t a fight. I tell Randy I needed to get back because of work tomorrow. “You can wait a bit; I’d rather not be meeting them in the parking lot.”
I say, “We can handle them.”
Randy says, “It is not about handling them, winning, or not getting hurt. If you fight every time someone wants you to, you’ll have more fights than you ever want. Plus then probation won’t be an option for you.” I forgot and wasn’t thinking. When I finally get home Randy suggests, “You need not to tell your parents every near fight you have. Your Dad will ground you and your Mom will be worried every time you’re out.”
Before I get to bed Mom asks about everything, I think out what I share. Mom likes the idea of the clothes, “You needed some clothes but I’ve stayed away from it for a while as I don’t like what you usually get.”
“So you think buying some unisex stuff will be an improvement?”
“Let’s say a mom doesn’t have anything against color and style and the metro look.” “Geesh.”
I get to work on time and it goes fast enough and with no problems. I’m on my way into the house from work and Mom’s here with Robin. “What are you two doing here?” I don’t really need to ask, but then I didn’t ask them to take me shopping in the first place.
“You wanted to get some new clothes and you said Robin volunteered to help us,” Mom says.
“I didn’t say I wanted to go now or to invite her!”
“Quit complaining, we’re here to help you. You should be grateful.” Robin smiles, knowing I’m not going to win. We go to the shopping area up on the highway. Robin knows better which shops that have the clothes we’re looking for. The pants aren’t anything fancy apart from color and how they fit. Robin suggests color tees with contrasting or complimenting shirts or sweaters to go with them. For a guy with little of his own money, I get a good haul of clothes. Including socks, colored underwear; kind of like guys underwear but not quite in front.
I like wearing a half size bigger than needed, these jeans and briefs ride low and the shirts and tops are tapered. Mom suggests I wear one set of clothes home. We stop to eat on our way home. It just so happens, Randy stops with Bridget and the five of us enjoy dinner.
Mom tells me Dad and Katie went to his folks for the weekend. Randy, Gordy, Bridget, and Robin are over part of the weekend. We also pal around.
Despite the initial change in my life which is very drastic for me the next few weeks settle down and fall into a new routine. When I’m not working after school or going to special events, we’re usually meeting after school at Randy’s or Bridget’s for studying. Mostly Randy and Bridget work together as they share more classes in common as Robin and I do.
When it is just Randy and me, it’s more about checking each other’s work or staying on task until Randy gets too interested in me. I think the initial reason for the four of us getting together is because Mrs. Thomas really wasn’t thrilled I’m there. Once Randy teases by trying to kiss me and Mrs. Thomas was passing by and I complain. She thinks I’m complaining to her. She retorts, “There’s nothing I can say, other than sometimes he just has bad tastes. You should be pleased he cares for you.”
It’s a Saturday over at Randy’s and Bridget comes over to me carrying the Beast figure from Beauty and the Beast. “Randy tells me when you were kids you use to play together and he’d be or play with the Beast and you’d play with Belle.”
“Well, Belle was the only other main character; I didn’t want to be Chip or the Clock.”
“You don’t need to get defensive. I wasn’t going to make anything of it. I just thought it was cute. It’s okay if I say cute isn’t it?” I got up from where I was studying and check a cabinet in Randy’s room. Belle is still there. Robin had followed and asked, “Can I see her? I liked her too she was strong and feisty as well as beautiful. You know she kind of matches your personality.”
I take exception until Robin points out, “I said she’s like you, not that you’re like a girl.”
“Yes, but do you think I’m more like a girl,” I ask?
“There are some areas you’re more like a girl, but no you’re a boy.”
Bridget’s there, “Has Randy said anything about you having girl spots?” I’m caught off guard; I haven’t heard any comments like that. Bridget realizes the non-answer. “I didn’t think so, but Justin did. Randy and Justin were close for over a year in ninth and part of tenth grade. I don’t think you know Justin, he’s in another school.”
“How’d he figure something like that out? I’m glad I’m not.” I turned as I hear Bridget giggle. “I didn’t say you are or aren’t. I don’t think you two have been close enough for him to gauge that.”
Randy had entered the room and comes over to me, “No we haven’t been. I told him, I wouldn’t impose intimacy on him until I wasn’t intruding.” With that Randy hugs me from behind.
I ask, “What do you mean by ‘Until you’re not intruding?”
Randy says, “Take Robin and Bridget, intimacy is warm and important because they both enjoy the closeness of the other.” Randy kind of turns me around, maybe I turned. “You can say ‘No’.” He tilts my chin up with a hand on my chin and he’s ready to kiss me. I don’t say anything, I just close my eyes. I first feel his warm breath, then his lips and as we kiss I keep my mouth open a little. I’m kissing him back and he starts to kiss me more passionately.
When the kiss ends I realize I’m excited and probably showing. I stay close to Randy not wanting the others to see, but I know being close sends its own signals. I hug him and look up, Randy smiles and moves to my side so I don’t need to turn until I can adjust myself.
Bridget and Robin soon announce they’re leaving.
Soon after Mrs. Thomas knocks at Randy’s door, “I hope you’re staying I made a nice snack, I’m hoping someone would be around to enjoy it.” If for no other reason I stay because she smiled at me. Randy hoped the ice is melting between us.
Mr. Thomas came home saying it is snowing but neither I nor Randy thought anything about it. Come eight in the evening when I finally realize I need to get going home. Randy says he’ll walk me the five blocks to my house. Mr. Thomas says, “Neither of you is going out in that blizzard, I thought you understood that if you wanted to leave; it should have been then.”
Sure enough, there is over six inches snow down, strong winds and all predictions have four, six or more inches of snow to come. Mrs. Thomas is on the phone and calling me, “Come talk to your parents. It looks like you are staying here.
I can't explain it, but I now have mixed feelings about staying. There should have been nothing mixed about it. Randy and I used to be close friends. We've grown up and gone in different ways. Dam it, we are different. Why am I now confused?…
To be continued…
*Please indicate if you like the story. I will be especially appreciative if you leave a comment or write to the author.
(Caution: This story talks about violence, gender bigotry, and personal relationships. Brad’s life is now being transformed. Is it guilt or desire; probably a combination. Brad is finding himself with feelings about Randy that would have been very repulsive. He’s seeing their friendship and himself in a new light. )
Mom says, “I’m glad Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were thinking. I was worried, you hadn’t called. You’re staying there tonight and we’ll see how things are tomorrow. You be good and don’t be any trouble and call me tomorrow before you try coming home.”
“Mom, tell Mrs. Thomas I can get myself home.” She conveys with no doubt about it, I’m to stay.
I’m surprised as we watch a movie that Randy is putting an arm around me and cuddling. His sister and brother are there for a while and his Mother is in and out. But no one is surprised by Randy’s attention to me.
Finally, we go up to his room to play some e-games. First, his Dad is there blowing up a cushioned mattress and next his Mom making the bed with sheets and blankets. Even before his Mom has a chance to leave Randy gives me a kiss.
“Since you didn’t bring anything to wear, I suggest one of Randy’s oversized shirts will need to do.” She’s looking at Randy mostly, “Now don’t go getting carried away.” As his Mother leaves Randy suggests I change.
I say, “Randy, it is not even ten, what if we don’t want to stay in the room?”
“We can go out of the room my folks won’t mind. Neither of us planned for this, but it will be a chance to talk about things without being disturbed.” Randy has out a football jersey and a baseball shirt from a nearby university. I take both; they go down to above my knees. Neither is long enough but I settle on the football jersey. And we’re back to our games. One time when I have a good lead near the end Randy pulls the light hair on my legs to distract me. It takes him a third time before I drop my control and pounce on him.
Randy is unfazed by my hitting him as he just holds of my arms to control me. I must have been talking back to him too loud as his Mom and Dad are at door. I’m embarrassed as Randy has a hold of me and I’m almost in his face. “He’s taking advantage of his being older and bigger than me; if I were his age it wouldn’t be so bad.”
‘Really,” his Mom says, “if I remember right, you’re both sixteen and there are only seven months or so between you.” I sit up and stare at him having thought he’s over a year older. “Randy’s built more like his father and you take more after your mother, but even your dad’s side of the family is not that big.”
I first thought she’s saying I’m more girl-like but it is true; Grandma Lincoln is the only one with a big frame. Nonetheless, I’m feeling like a girl in comparison to Randy. Mrs. Thomas comes over and helps me up off of Randy. Randy stands and he’s an extra five inches above us. “You should get some slacks you can wear 3” heels under,” whispers Mrs. Thomas. I stare at her hoping she’s not serious, but I cannot tell.
“Randy, your father would like you to help to shovel some of the snow so it is not too deep to handle when the storm is finally done.” Randy changes to go outside.
Mrs. Thomas left the room but is back in a few minutes with a black pair of jeans and quietly asks me, “Before Randy goes out to shovel snow with his dad, ask him to get a pair of Justin’s boots for you, I think they should fit. Then please come out to the kitchen and help me if you’re willing.”
Randy already had himself dressed and was going out the door when I asked, “Randy, your mom said I should try on a pair of boots Justin wore, where are they?” Randy’s stunned but quickly turned to his closet; rumbling through a few things he came out with two pairs of boots. He then leaves the room without looking at Brad fearing he might embarrass him.
Brad focuses on the slacks, starts putting them on and realizes they were a little long. The pant legs were either boot cut or flared, but either way that is what the boots were for. The jeans were snug enough Brad tucked himself in, not wanting to catch that skin or hair in the zipper. The Jeans felt a little different but he manages to get them on, zipped up and buttoned. He reaches for the boots and is putting them on before he notices they’re feminine looking. As he forces his feet in he feels the toes going further down than he could get the heels of his feet. “Mrs. T the boots are going to be too short. I can’t even get my heels all the way down.”
Mrs. T is quickly in the room hoping Brad didn’t have them off, and he hadn’t. She kneels, “It’s okay honey, let me tie them up. This will help you to be closer in height with Randy.” I sit watching Mrs. T tying the laces of the boots. Randy hurries into the room and seems shocked to see his mother putting the boots on me. His voice is raised, “Mom, I told you not too! I told Brad I wouldn’t force this stuff on him.”
I’m quickly worried that his getting angry with his Mom will put my relationship with her back to square one or worse. I quickly speak up for her, “Randy, don’t get angry with your mother. She knew I’m upset you’re so much taller and I asked for her help. If you want to be angry then do it with me.” I smile being proud of how convincing I am. Mrs. Thomas pulls down my pant legs over the boots and helps me keep my balance as I stand.
I am noticeably taller and find I’m looking at Randy’s mouth as he walks to me. Mrs. T quietly whispers “Thanks” and leaves the room. I look back to Randy and my eyes quickly are fixed on his lips. He’s talking but it is like I’m in another world. Then he says, “So how do you like it?”
“They’re nice,” I say.
“What are you talking about,” he asks? With that, he gives me a shake, and I’m back to reality. I’m back to realizing the boots have thick soles and high heels.
“I’m sorry my mind went somewhere and your lips are right in front of my eyes. Your Mom was trying to be nice to me and if you got angry it would be my relationship with her that would suffer.” Emotions start to catch up to me and as my eyes begin to water Randy pulls me to him in support.
“So you think my lips are nice huh?” I feel him lift my chin and as I see his eyes I close mine knowing he’s going to kiss me; his embrace and the kiss are warm and I relax. His tongue is gently upon my lips until I open them ever so slightly. I know I should feel grossed out but I don’t. I try to speak instead I’m getting more tongue. The warmth of kissing him back comes so easy to enjoy. I became warm all over.
I push back away from him, “I should go help your mother in the kitchen.” I step back smoothing my clothes and trying to brush my hair with my hands. My top is only an undershirt. “Do you have a sweater I could put on?”
“O’ that’s probably why Margie handed me this.” He hands me a light blue sweater that I put on. It’s nice, soft, and looks good with the slacks. There’s a light fragrance that awakens me to realize it is probably his older sister’s.
He asks, “You don’t mind wearing them and the boots and all?” I feel foolish but I’m determined he’s not to know.
I say, “No, that is not it. I don’t want to offend your sister Margie, your dad or mom.”
“Except for the rat nest, your hair looks like you will be fine. They’ll just think under the circumstances you decided to be my girlfriend for the day.” I pull out a comb and Randy gets a small styling brush. He does a better job than I would with just my comb. “Here look in the mirror and if it’s okay get going to Mom.”
I look in his mirror and my long hair now has a feminine touch to it. Then again head to toe I am looking more girl than a boy. “Are you sure this is okay?”
“Get going or I’ll try some makeup.” Hearing that, I’m out the door going to the kitchen.
I pass Mr. Thomas who doesn’t say anything as I into the kitchen with Mrs. T and Margie. Margie smiles, “You look pretty for a boy. You better wear an apron though.”
Mrs. T looks, “You do look very nice dear.” She digs in a drawer going past one or two aprons and the one she comes up with is definitely more girl. “Thank you, Brad, I do hope you’re comfortable with the way you look.”
She asks, “Would you please mix up the pancake batter?” I’ve never done it and I’m afraid of doing something wrong. Luckily the instructions are easy and it ends up being fun. “Very good dear,” Mrs. T says taking the bowl from me. “Would you please now help set the table; making sure to put out the napkins, syrup and whatever else is needed. Just ask Margie where things are and I think you will be around here more often.” I smiled at Mrs. T and I was sure she knew I appreciated her kindness.
Once I’m done I go find Randy and his dad sitting in the living room. Standing next to Randy asking, “Can I see part of the sports section?” Randy pulls me down into the chair with him, “Just sit here and read along with me, I won’t bite.”
Once I’m in his lap, Mr. Thomas looks up from his newspaper. “And I thought you weren’t sure about being seen as his boyfriend?” I know I’m blushing as things are moving too fast in a way I did not anticipate.
Margie comes up to me, “Would you like some makeup? I’m too young but if you’re going to look like this I think you should wear some. It would help you look even prettier.” How do I tell a girl, I’m not interested in being prettier when I look as I do? I’m saved by Mrs. T calling for our help to put the food on the table.
With Mrs. T putting out the last of the pancakes, we’re all called to the table. “Brad, would you sit over here next to me? I think there needs to be some room between you and Randy so he can cool down.”
During the meal, Margie asks, “Do you have a girl’s name like Justin did?” When I tell her no I’m hoping that would end that discussion. “Would you mind if I helped you to pick one?” I remain quiet trying to think something I can ask Randy or his dad about sports.
“Brandi would be good,” Margie says with a smile. “It’s like Brad with just the ‘n’ and ‘i’ added. I also like Brianna, Tiffany or Aubrey?”
“I’d rather not be Brianna, Tiffany or Aubrey…” Margie jumps back in, “Okay Brandi it is. Mommy, do you think that’s a pretty name for her?”
“Brandi’s a pretty name but I’m not sure Brad wants a girl’s name.”
“That’s silly do you think she wants to dress up and go out like that as Bradley?” Everyone including me has a good laugh.
The wind has kicked up and all the weather reports are telling people not to travel. It is now five in the afternoon when the phone rings and my Mom is calling. Margie got the phone, “Yes, Brad’s here but we’re calling him Brandi because of how pretty he is. Yes, we had four or five names and he chose Brandi over the others. Do you think Brandi is a pretty name? He said He didn’t have a girl’s name, but he looks as pretty as one.” She finally gives me the phone.
“Hi Mom,” I answer with a soft voice. “No they’re treating me nicely and Mrs. Thomas and I are now very good together. She reminds me more of you now that I know her better… I slept in Randy’s room on one of those neat air mattresses… That’s how I’m looking like I am. All I can wear of Randy and Mr. T’s stuff is wearing his football jersey like a nightshirt.”
“Mom, I think I have been behaving really well. You can ask Mrs. T if you want. I think they were already planning that I would need to stay another night. Randy’s older sister Cheryl is also staying at her friend’s house.”
“Mrs. T, my Mom would like to talk to you to make sure it’s alright if I stay here.” Mrs. T takes the phone and I go back to leaning against Randy as we watch TV. We are practically snuggling as the Thomas house is older and cooler than ours.
The lights flicker on and off up to the time we are to go to bed. Mrs. T urges me to take a hot shower. She lays out a pair of Cheryl’s pajamas for me to wear. “You might want to sleep in the bed with Randy in case the power goes out while you’re sleeping.” Mr. Thomas speaks up, “That does not mean sleeping together the other way.”
Mrs. T comes in to say goodnight. “Brad, I can’t take it; come over here and I will pin up your hair for the night. It is much too nice to treat it like a regular guy’s head of hair.” It doesn’t look nice, but it does feel better than having a head full of curlers. Mrs. T stays around talking until Randy says “Mom, Brad’s a boy; he’s just being nice listening to you.”
While it is pretty true, I’m not really listening, but I kind of enjoy being treated like a girl. Randy doesn’t mind I’m a straight boy acting like a boyfriend. Huh, both are partly true more than I would like to admit.
Mrs. T turns out the main light as she leaves but a small lamp lights the room enough for Randy and me to carry a conversation. Randy takes enough bobby pins out to run his hand and fingers through my hair along one side. “I’m glad your hair is still long and it feels nice.”
I say, “You know those are not endearing words to another boy?”
“I hope things are changing for you. Like you seem,” he’s moving closer to me, “more comfortable being kissed.” It isn’t just him kissing me, our bodies’ are touching and the feelings of being kissed by Randy engulf me. With his hands still on the side of my face, he holds me with a kiss; my free hand reaches for his waist but rest upon the front of his lap. I relax and let it gently fall, not thinking where it might land.
I am embarrassed yet I don’t pull away. Both my lips and hands are comfortable where they are. “Randy, you said you’d tell me how you see me as attractive? Is it that I have long hair?”
Randy smiles, “I do like your hair but I also find you physically attractive. I like your butt; you have pretty eyes and they’re very expressive when you smile or are happy. The most attractive part isn’t your appearance; it’s how comfortable I am around you. It’s when I feel comfortable enough to be weak and vulnerable around you.”
Randys says, “You probably don’t remember when my Granddad died a few years ago; you came over shortly after I heard he died. I was crying in my room because I didn’t want people to see me cry. I wanted to act big, but you saw my tears and you didn’t mind. We talked. There have been three or four times like that. You were a good friend to play and do things with me even though they were not your favorites. I can have more fun doing things with Gordy. But he doesn’t have your heart. I feel good when I hug you, you make me warm inside.”
He said, “It hurt so much when you were one of the punks to attack us. If you hurt us again, I don’t think I could lo… I don’t think I could really like you or forgive you ever.”
I was fighting tears, but when Randy was about to say ‘I think it was “love me” then I quivered’ I wanted him to hold me or me hold him. “Have you forgi…” I lean over and kiss Randy. I did not mean to swoon but once his arms held me and he returned the kiss I melted like butter. “I’m sorry Randy; I expected you to run, I should have known better.”
“It was wrong any way you looked at it.” Randy’s looking at me; I feel the anger of his statement, but also the love he has for me. Instead of saying anything I stroked the side of his face, hoping he wouldn’t push me away. We were there silent for a while, “I don’t deserve you, but I am glad I am here. I feel Randy’s right hand come up my nightshirt. He pauses and moves his arm underneath me and begins to lift me. He moves me to the center of the bed and begins to remove my panties.
I am in the center of his bed and he leans over and gives me a warm passionate kiss. “I can't believe I'm doing this, I have never done anything like this. If you don’t love me, I don’t really want to do it unless you do.” He lifts my hips placing a pillow underneath me. He opens a tube of gel, putting some on two fingers. I can smell that there's fragrance as he spreads it on me. I seek to raise my bottom and I get my legs around his waist as he pulls me toward him.
My male ego is crying no, but there is a growing sense not to fight. I’m not sure if he sees me as a man or a woman. It's not important by now I feel loved. Then I’m surprised as he pushes me away and says, “I’m sorry.”
I'm confused about what was happening, “I don’t understand did I do something wrong?”
“I could see by your expression you were just letting me do it. I don’t want to do it unless you love me.”
“But I wasn’t fighting it or pushing you away. It seems kind of creepy but I was willing to try it. I have read on the internet about guys making out and I tried doing it right. What did I do wrong?”
I reached up to get my arms around his neck and pull myself up to him. I give him a warm passionate kiss, pulling him back down upon me. He is comfortable with this. It is the first time he is lying on me. I thought he would feel heavier, maybe crushing. But he’s warm and his weight is manageable, more like a warm heavy blanket. He grows hard again and I can feel that part of him between us.
I feel him rolling off and I try to roll with him hoping to be on top, but we end up facing each other as our legs separate and they are now tangled together. “I’m feeling more like a girlfriend than a boyfriend; is that okay?” His eyes look browner; I hope it’s just the light as they look hazel to greenish usually. I like them more that way.
Randy smiles, “I like you like a guy, but it is good to hear how you feel about yourself?”
“O no, I’m not a girl!” Randy smiles again with a bit of a laugh.
Again I think with his size that his weight should me crushing me, but it is his warmth that I like. His head is snuggled against me caressing an earlobe. I did not feel tense like before, I'm enjoying being next to him so much I am bursting and my body feels an explosion of feelings. Randy rolls over pulling me on top of him and holding me close. My body shakes with excitement as a wave of joy rolls over me.
“I not so sure Brad, you seem more like a girl to me; if you were a girl what might your name be? ...The Lord knows I hope you’re a boy. I’d have some wrestling to do if you’re a T-girl.” I’m looking at Randy for some sign that he’s joking. I want so much to be able to say either way boy or girl: ‘there used to be no way I was going to ever say, I love you.’ But I find I can’t really say that I don't.
‘There was a time or two I thought about if I were a girl, what my name?’ Randy is looking at me; I’m not sure what to say but I close my eyes as I know what to do. With two hands framing his face I am lightly kissing his precious lips. 'I’m wishing I had lipstick on; too bad he wants a boy.' Randy is wrapping an arm around me. Words and thoughts are taking a vacation as it is just us now.
This time my body quakes, this has happened once before when I was alone. I feel I should be embarrassed, but Randy is another boy and he knows what is happening. He just pulls me close, nibbles on an ear and says nothing. I feel like a younger child looking up to Randy and his warmth helps me to relax as I feel his caring. This kiss grows in its passion, it’s over too soon and I drift in thought, knowing I’m in his arms. It is six thirty when I wake and slide out of Randy’s arms and to the bathroom to clean myself.
There is a knock at the bathroom door to the hall. The door opens a crack and a robe and some clothes are pushed in and the door closes. It must be his older sister’s robe, a pair of jeans, a pair of underpants but they’re a girl’s. There are two tops one kind of looks like an undershirt but it has lacy shoulder straps. I know Mrs. Thomas did not give me any orders of what I had to do nor any questions about what happened. I’m glad of that and I feel it is okay to accept her gesture though I’m not quite sure of the implications.
I don’t really need the robe but I’m more comfortable with it over the girl clothes for now. Once I’m dressed I make my way to the kitchen; taking a hairbrush with me. Mrs. Thomas pulls a stool to the middle of the kitchen and has me sit on it as she brushes out my hair. “Brad, are you alright?” She hands me a cup of tea.
“Yes, Randy was so nice to me and when I finally fell asleep it was a good sleep. I felt warm and safe in his arms.” ‘Oops,’ I look to Mrs. Thomas afraid she’d be angry. I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder. “A good man can make one feel that way.” She pauses, “Do you mind if you look a little prettier?” I’m not sure how to answer after all I’m a boy, but now like feeling like a girl. But I think she knows Randy doesn’t feel that way…
To Be Continued…
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(Caution: This story talks about violence, gender bigotry and personal relationships. Brad’s life is now being transformed. Is it guilt or desire; probably a combination. Brad is finding himself with feelings about Randy that before had have been repulsive. He’s seeing their friendship and himself in a new light. )
“Thank you, Mrs. Thomas.”
She says, “I never noticed how pretty your eyes are. You know, those eyelashes shouldn’t be on a boy? Would you mind if I just pulled a few eyebrow hairs before others stir?” My only answer is a smile as she proceeds. “I want Randy to respect you and treat you… treat you like a young woman if you would prefer that.”
I say, “But Randy’s not attracted to girls, he rather see me to be his boyfriend.”
She smiles at me, “There that makes your eyes look better.” I look into the mirror she holds up and I really like what I see. My eyes look more feminine but if I’m dressed as a guy they would be okay as well. "I took just enough out around your eyebrows to help yet you'll have no trouble being Brad at School."
“When you are with Randy and feeling comfortable, and when he’s affectionate. You appear to me to be more feminine, more like a girl liking him back. I can be wrong and I don’t want to put thoughts in your mind. Affection needs to work two ways and if you want to feel more like a girlfriend, do it.”
Mrs. Thomas surprises me, saying, “Hello Robin, I didn’t know you came over.” I’m sure she’s teasing me trying to get me to think Robin is here.
“I’m sorry Mrs. Thomas, but I hope you won’t tell Robin if she comes over that I’d rather be Randy’s girlfriend.” Mrs. T’s expression goes from shock to laughing. It’s then I realize she wasn’t joking.
I slowly turn just as Robin opens her arms to give me a hug. “You know you’d make a cute girl. If you’re ever comfortable enough to give it a try in public, I’d even help you. I’d even be your friend at school.”
“You can’t be serious,” I respond? Robin takes me over to the nook table sets me down and takes nail polish out of her purse. Before I know it she’s filing my nails and using a delicate pair of manicure scissors. I make the mistake at looking at the color without saying no or remarking about the color.
“Is there another color that you prefer?” I’m a little bit embarrassed, I really do like the idea of having my fingernails polished.
Finally, I say, “If you’re to do it. I would like a deeper red.” Robin pulls out a cranberry red and I blush as I say, “Yes.”
Mrs. Thomas asks Brad, “Would you mind going further and wear a skirt and blouse?” I am looking down and not at them. I’m fluttering inside, do I dare say yes? I want to yet I had not thought about things going this far. I am surprised that I’m even entertaining the idea. I take a deep breath.
Calmly I say, “I’m willing to do it if you think I should.” Robin just messed the fingernail she’s working on. Is she surprised I might soon look more girly? She cleans and dries the messed nail and goes to paint my pinky nail, allowing this one to dry. Robin looks into my eyes and her eyes are sparkling.
As Robin finished my fingernails, Mrs. Thomas has gone looking for clothing I can wear. She comes back with a heavy maroon skirt, boots and a cream blouse. The blouse has openings along the sleeve with a similar opening down the front. “It is a pretty outfit and modest enough that you should be comfortable.” Robin says, “You need to wait and make sure your nails are good and dry before you're dressing in nice clothing like that.”
Robin continues, “That satin blouse will shimmer and if Randy isn’t moved to hug and kiss you, I will be.” She giggles as I realize that Robin may be attracted to me. I know I have experienced some emotions in me rise when she’s around.
I wait another five minutes to allow my nails to dry before I go and change in Megan’s room. Just to be in a girl’s room changing, experiencing the fragrances and subtle nuances of how girls differ from boys keep a smile on my face. It is like I’m getting away with something. But it isn’t just a skirt and blouse as they said. There are panties, a bra, and knee high socks on the bed. There’s even a bracelet and make-up on the table next to her bed.
I hear Randy and his Dad back in the house and I’m becoming anxious about going out to see them. I’m considering changing back when Robin knocks at the door. She and Mrs. Thomas come into the bedroom. “We just want to make sure you aren’t changing back into Brad’s clothes.” My expression gives me away. Robin speaks again, “You were ready to change back weren’t you?” Robin says, “Ma T, look we have a ‘scaredy cat’.”
Mrs. Thomas gives me a hug, “There is nothing to be scared about you are very pretty and Randy will be tickled, I know it.”
Mrs. Thomas opens the door and Robin takes me by the hand out into the living room. The boots have a three-inch heel which changes my walk but it is subtle and the length of the boots give me support, and the difference is not difficult to adjust to. I see my reflection in several places and I like what I see. I’m not a beauty but I like the fact I look nice as a normal girl. Mrs. T checks and tells me Randy is showering so it will be a little while before he is back out.
The doorbell rings and Mrs. Thomas is already on her way to answer the door. As she opens the door she says, “O yes, Brad, I forgot to tell you I invited your parents over.” The door opens as I begin to stand up. I smooth out my skirt as I look up to see my parents.
“O’ my, aren’t you cute, I would never have imagined how pretty you are as a girl?” My Mom says as she has her hands up to her face. My Dad looks and just shakes his head no with a slight smile.
I find myself hugging my Mom knowing I’m a daughter hugging her mother. I don’t know how it is different, I just know. I step back and my hands are up to my face and Mom and I look like we are mimicking one another. The moment is not lost as Mrs. Thomas captures it on her smartphone.
Mom says, “O Darling, I wish I had brought some make-up to finish off your transformation.”
Mrs. Thomas says, “There is some on the table next to our daughter’s bed. You are welcome to take her in and help her with her makeup.” I can’t believe I am now in tow of my Mom and Randy’s younger sister Margie is coming in with us. Robin’s there saying, “I’m here just to make sure you continue to look like a teenager.” She is quite amused by how Mom does such a great job on her teen daughter.
Mrs. Thomas comes in, “Gloria, you have done a wonderful job, but then again your daughter looks a lot like her mother.”
I look into Megan’s mirror pulling my mother along and it’s eerie how much I look like my sister Cathy. No, I am not the woman my Mom and Cathy are, but then I’m not even an hour old.
Robin asks “What would her name have been if she was born a girl?” Mom pauses, finally saying, “Grace, she would have been Grace Lincoln.”
We step out into the hallway the same time Randy is coming out of his room.”Hello Mrs. Lincoln, hi Robin,” and he looks at me not recognizing me right away. “Grace, her name is Grace Lincoln, Randy,” Robin tells him.
Randy steps back and I’m afraid, but I see he is taking me in with his eyes and he does not look upset. He steps forward and gives me a kiss on the cheek. “You make a very pretty girl,” Randy says.
“I’m not sure if that is a compliment or not,” I say to him.
“You are very pretty but you were pretty to me as Brad.” He takes my hand as we walk back out to the living room. The room is more crowded than I thought, I look around and there’s another person or two. It takes me a moment to realize that Mandy is here as is my sister Cathy.
“Now, are we announcing me to the entire world or just those who know me as Grace?”
Mandy smiles, “You know you should use a pretty girl voice when you look like this.” She steps up and gives me a hug and whispers, “I just happened to come over to your house. And no, I won’t even tell Jeff, until you out yourself.”
“Well, you won’t need to worry about that. This will be the last time I dress as a girl!” I say forcefully.
“Somehow, looking this pretty I doubt this will be your last time. If it is, shame on you,” Mandy says. “You have grown a lot and gotten back to being the nice you since you got yourself caught. If you stop, you will probably go back to that ugly part of you. If so I’d hope they throw the book at you!”
I say, “Mandy, you don’t mean I should come out as a boy wearing a dress.”
Mandy pushes me down in a seat. “I know we caught you off guard and this might be new to you. But more of us have a sister, brother or cousin who's a lesbian, gay or TG. I and my family are included in there. We're not back in the 1960s when civil rights were new. Take your time to figure out who you are. Remember I saw you kiss Randy at the basketball game. Whatever you are, is not a catchy disease, you’re discovering who you are.”
Cathy comes over and hugs Mandy and stands with her. I look around and realize I’ve not only embarrassed me, but I’ve also insulted Randy and those around me. “I’m sorry everyone, like Mandy, said I felt caught off guard, but I shouldn’t have said any of that stuff. I guess I’m having growing pains, please excuse me.” Mandy hands me a tissue and tells me to dab my eyes and not wipe them. She knew before I did, I’m ready to cry.”
A moment later Mandy and Cathy are both offering me a hand telling me to stand up and turn around. The doorbell rings and I am ready to say “O no.” But it’s a pizza delivery person with three pizzas. Mrs. T calls us to gather around their large dining room table. Cath pulls me, “We need to fix your makeup first.”
It’s the third time in Megan’s room as Cathy takes the lead in repairing and adding to my makeup. The finishing touch is Cathy taking her necklace and placing it around my neck. It is a necklace that our grandmother gives to each of her granddaughters. The significance is not lost on me, but I need to work, not to allow tears to ruin the repair job. I feel Cathy’s breath on my ear as she says, “You look very pretty and I am very proud of you.”
We go out to the dining room and Mandy teases me by trying to sit next to Randy. Randy is already on his second piece of pizza. I take a piece of pizza, but I’m worried as I have on a pretty blouse. Mom and Cathy both realize I’m scared. Cathy comes back out from the kitchen with a clean dish towel. “She’s a dangerous eater around things with a red sauce.” She pins the towel around my neck and down my front and pulls up my right sleeve slightly.
Come the end of the pizza, I take off the towel, go wash my hands and go into Megan’s room to refresh my lipstick. Robin is in Megan’s room when I turn around, “Who told you to do that girl?”
“Do what,” I ask?
“Freshen up your makeup?” It looks like Robin is tempted to kiss me, but she steps back whispering “Boys don’t think about fixing makeup.” She takes my hand and we go back out to the others. Once we get out to the others, the teens and Randy’s younger sister leave the adults and find another room to watch our TV programs.
The others go in ahead of us and Randy stops me to give me a kiss. The kiss has the added joy as I enjoy kissing with luscious lipstick on my lips. I get the feeling even Randy likes kissing me like this. Randy’s phone interrupts us as we’re ready to kiss again. Randy begins talking, smiles and then asks me to step back. I can tell he’s taking a picture or video and liking it. “My older sister wants a picture to see which outfit you’re wearing.”
Megan wants to talk to me, “Sweet Brad, you look pretty in that outfit. When I get home I’ll go through my stuff and we can see what I am willing to allow you to wear.” I sit and talk to Megan, its ten minutes before I realize what I’m doing. I would never have talked more than two minutes to a girl before. “I know my Mom says you’re nervous about being in girl mode, but I hope sometime you will go out shopping with me as Grace.”
To my surprise, I reply, “I hope so too.”
It is 9:00 p.m. when Mom announces we’re ready to go home. It has either snowed lightly or the wind has put a light blanket of snow over everything. Mom tells me she has Brad’s clothes and Mrs. Thomas says it’s okay to wear my present outfit home and to keep it for now. Cathy scoots into the rear seat saying I do well not to try it.
We take Mandy to our house to take her car home. I am quite comfortable as I watch Mandy pull away. It is nice to have her as a friend, I feel I can trust her knowing me. Cathy puts her arm around me as I watch Mandy drive away. She says, “Girl friends can be really neat can’t they?” I smile to Cathy and she knows I understand.
Come ten o’clock I announce I’m taking a shower and getting ready for bed. Cathy is soon there and Mom is behind her. Mom smiles and Cathy tells me, “Taking off makeup and being a girl changes getting ready for bed.” I am ready to tell them both I’m not a girl, and while I’m not I stop, knowing I’m not sure who and what I am.
Sis helps me to take off my makeup; the eye makeup is fussy. Taking off the concealer and face makeup just takes time. Before I can take my shower Cathy calls me back out to my room, saying, “You need to do a better job of hanging up your clothes girl.” She shows me a special hanger for hanging skirts. She shows me a loop under each shoulder of the blouse and how to use it to keep the blouse from slipping off the hanger.
I take my shower and have trouble drying and brushing my hair, but I’m finally satisfied. I go to put on my pajamas and the ones near my pillow are missing and Cathy has left a pair of hers on my bed. I put them on but use my robe to cover them up as I go out to watch the news. Mom is shocked when she sees me. “Who taught you to dry and brush your hair like that?”
My Mom hadn’t worried about my hair before, “It’s bad enough being a boy, but you should learn to take better care of it.” She takes me and sprays something on it, “At least you used your sister’s conditioner.” She starts to brush the tangles out of my hair.
I ask, “How do you know whose conditioner I used?”
“See how it’s brushing out that wouldn’t be happening if you had used your stuff Sweetie.” ‘Sweetie’ I sure hope tomorrow when I’m Brad that stops. It is nice to have the tangles out. Mom takes off my robe and takes Cathy’s second robe hanging behind the door. Not only is it a girl’s robe but it is shorter and shows off more of me. Mom and Cathy are amused, I kind of like it too but I am not willing to say anything.
Come morning when I get dressed, I take off my fingernail polish. Unfortunately I’m thinking about my Monday schedule, but because of snow it is now Wednesday. I am at school when I realize I have gym. I have nail polish on my toes and a pair of Cathy’s panties on under my slacks. Fortunately, the world does not come to an end with the ribbing and harassment I get. Randy’s not there to help me but Marvin helps me to get through it. Once Marvin spoke up two friends who joked with me are now helping to cool the others down.
Marvin tells me, “You know you’re going to have to learn to speak up for yourself and when to complain about harassment.” When I see Randy and tell him what happened; Randy too tells me, “Marvin’s right, even if you’re Grace you’d need to respect and speak up for yourself.” Randy gives me a quick hug, “It’s not that I won’t be there when I can.”
Randy points to a poster, “Have you thought about going to the prom?”
“It’s just for Juniors and Seniors,” I tell him.
“And their dates,” he responds. “I hadn’t asked you yet but I had hoped you have thought about it.” He pauses and turns to me, “Brad, I would very much like you to be my date for the Prom, will you go with me?” I had thought about this and dreaded the thought. I still dread the thought of being out in public with him but it is no longer repulsive. I’m more scared of what others will say. I think it comes under the ageement of the covenant I agreed to follow.
“Randy are you asking me as your boyfriend or as a girlfriend?” He smiles, knowing I’m considering his invitation. “Brad, you know I’m asking my boyfriend but if he decides to dress as Grace I could live with that. Are you willing to go?” I am saved as we arrive at my next class.
Robin is in the class sitting near me. “What’s on your mind,” she asks as I sit down?
“You know he asked me,” I curtly respond. Robin gets upset with my attitude and I realize she hadn’t known. “He asked me to the Prom,” I said, it with more than the whisper I intended. I see Gordy laugh two rows over and realize I just announce my prom invitation to any who were listening and to some who weren’t. Robin says I’m blushing, I can feel the warmth from turning red. Mandy speaks up, “Robin and I can help you shop if you want.” With that a number of classmates begin to laugh and the teacher speaks up for the class to focus on her.
When class ends a number of girls surround me as I try to leave class. Mandy speaks over the others, “Brad, most of us have an interest in the Prom not coming off as a circus; we sincerely want to help you. Especially if you want to dress as one of us.” I look around and I see at least three girls affirming what Mandy is saying. I’m ready to cry. Another girl Sharon speaks up, “We’re not saying you’re gay or a girl, but if you go, you should know there will be some who care.” I begin to cry and the girls give me a group hug. Someone says, “Welcome to the girls’ club.”
I quickly regain my composure as most of the girls have already headed to the next class. Sharon is still there and speaks up, “Steve and Bob are both your friends and they still care about you. But if you do this, I’ll be the friend that is more visible.” I smile but I’m sure Sharon doesn’t understand why. I’ve had a crush on her since fourth grade and the idea of us being friends tickles me.
As we enter our last class of the day, Sharon says, “I think you’ll do better as a feminine girl than a femme boy. But I will help you either way.”
“Is either Steve or Bob open to talking with me,” I ask?
“I could have you over as a friend that might give them a chance to safely warm up to you again.” “I’d like that but I don’t know when.”
“May be if we go shopping; are you convincing as a girl, I’d think you could be.” I’m surprised she would think that even before seeing me. “I don’t mean to offend you but you have nice features for it. And it would give you a chance to be at my house and see my brothers without them having preconceived ideas or their barriers up.”
Sharon sits in a seat near me different from usual and she passes notes. “Talk to Robin but you don’t want to wait until the selections are all picked over.”
I write back, “I’m not really interested how in how I’d look.” Sharon smiles, “You should be. Pass the same comment to Robin and see what she says.” I look over to Robin, write a new note that I’m ready to pass it.
Ms Clark catches me, “Brad Lincoln please come up here with your note.” I stand and go up to the teacher. ‘My day already stinks and it just got worse.’ Ms Clark looks at the note, “Class start on your assignment. Robin and Sharon join us out in the hall for a minute.”
“Mr. Lincoln, I gather your punishment is getting a little deeper and these two classmates are trying to help you. It doesn’t usually matter to me what your other problems are. But among other things these two could teach you about keeping your head in class and to pass notes more discretely.”
“Now are you willing to go looking for a prom gown Saturday with these girls or do I need to send you to the office?” “I…”
The teacher says, “Yes or the office, I don’t really care.”
“Yes,” I really am afraid to go out with them, but I really don’t want more trouble at the office.
Ms. Clark turns to Sharon and Robin, “Which of you would like to pick him up and what time?
“I’m hoping she’ll stop over my house after shopping, so I’ll plan to pick Brad up,” Sharon says. Ms. Clark waves us back into class. “Brad why don’t you tackle this assignment with your new found perspective. I will even allow you to collaborate with one or both of these girls.” “Girls please help him keep the discussion to the assignment.” Sharon and Robin share a quiet giggle and once I’m seated Sharon pushes her desk next to mine. Robin soon joins us.
Sharon touches my neck and I quickly smell a perfume fragrance. Robin asks, “Brad did you step into something? O’ I guess that’s to keep your focus on the assignment.”
To Be Continued…
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