Masks Chapter 1
Chapter 1
I stared at the wall of them.
And stared, and stared and stared.
There was something just so…I don’t know about them. The masks and the make-up kits for the girls that they got to wear every Halloween.
Not that I could.
Nope that would be girly and it’s be frooty yeah I spelled it the way that my brothers would have said it.
Brothers as in multiple Mark the eldest, Billy and Bobby the middle twins and me Steven. I’m the youngest and as Mark loves to state I’m the runt of the litter. I am the youngest and everything which has its good points as well as its bad points.
I’m transgendered.
Yep I’m self diagnosed thirteen years old and I should have been born a girl. But I wasn’t.
And that sucks on a level so absolutely mind blowing that I cannot actually describe it.
Unless you’re like me.
And if you’re like me you’re not one of the people saying as their reading this that thirteen’s too young to know something like this.
If you’re like me you likely knew long before thirteen.
I take a big sigh and still stare at all the stuff in this section of the store. None of its really expensive it’s just it’s all really just forbidden stuff.
While my dad’s not a complete jerk he’s one of those dad’s that’s actually pretty good but very much a DUDE. And I really don’t mean that in a bad way he’s just a really stripped down guy around us boys.
He’s supportive and he tries but his…”attaboys” hurt way more than he’ll ever know or the “Who’s my little guy.” Eye roll…. “Sport.”…bleech… “Champ.” Face palm….yeah and he’s not afraid to use words like pansy when referring to some of the kids on my hockey team.
Yes…I play hockey and I like it. I’m a right winger and I can skate really fast and I’m good enough with my stick handling that it more than makes up for my size. I like being good at something even though I’m really so not about changing in front of a bunch of guys. No they haven’t started teasing me because I’m skinny or not as uhm…set up as they are down there.
I score goals and I’m a good player…hence I’m a winner…and once you’re a winner they don’t suspect that you’re different.
Why would you want to be different? You’re a winner!
I could go on but I’d just break at some point and you’d find me down in the arts and craft section crying and gluing sparkles onto myself or something.
And yes hockey or not I really am that much of a girl.
And so just pretty much like every year I’m staring at the wall of Halloween stuff with a feeling that’s like…well it’s like shooting on a goal and hearing that chink of hitting the post.
Yay then it’s ow.
I’m looking at the pictures too on the packages and imagining myself as those girls and then I hear a cough and my dad’s there and he’s got a basket and he’s staring at the wall looking lost.
“Dad?”
“Hey sport.” I wince mentally…do I look like a border collie?
“So…why are you looking at the girls costume stuff?”
“It’s for your Aunt Elsbeth.”
“Your sister? I don’t get it?”
“She kinda fell on hard time’s kiddo with stuff like other people and she and her daughter are moving back here to town and they’re pretty broke so your mom thought it’s be good to get them some stuff so they would feel more at home.”
“Oh cool…get some more of the white and black dad.”
“Huh?”
“White’s for pale and the black does like all the creepy stuff.”
“Hey good idea. I just dress in the stuff your mom picks out but Els, Els was a gothy sort of chick back in the day. And she used to love this stuff.”
“Dad you love all of this stuff.”
He grins. It kind of makes it hurt more and less.
More because I’d love to dress up as a girl for once. Less because my dad’s actually really good with holidays. He was broke growing up and they never could do all the cool stuff the other kids did so now he makes a big deal out of them.
And we’re pretty well off so that’s good. Dad works in a boat building shop and these are the big yacht types so the crash never really hurt the shop. All the people that buy or own boats that need fixing are pretty well off anyways.
He actually passes me a shopping basket. “Go and fill your boots we’ll make this a cool Halloween and a homecoming for them okay.”
“Anything?”
“Anything Bud.” ….Bud…there’s another one that just is…ick but I let it go. I start getting stuff there’s this little spark of an idea that’s forming in the back of my head about me actually being me this year.
Well not really me but not Steven.
I just need to convince my parents to let me go out by myself this year.
Masks Chapter 2
Chapter 2
*Before…
He actually passes me a shopping basket. “Go and fill your boots we’ll make this a cool Halloween and a homecoming for them okay.”
“Anything?”
“Anything Bud.” ….Bud…there’s another one that just is…ick but I let it go. I start getting stuff there’s this little spark of an idea that’s forming in the back of my head about me actually being me this year.
Well not really me but not Steven.
I just need to convince my parents to let me go out by myself this year.
*Now…
“Fill my boots huh dad?”
Okay, I’m doing this for Aunt El’s and my cousin. But just maybe I can pull off having a night of being me.
Funny thing is I don’t really have a girl name yet.
I suppose I do I mean I keep going from a bunch of different ones really like when I’m reading a good book I find myself putting myself in their shoes.
Aaaww man….I’d love to be able to wear real shoes.
Guys don’t wear shoes they have sneakers, then the have those ugly leather shoes and then of course boots.
Clunks.
Of course I’m a girl like so much inside it’s…well it just really hurts sometimes when I wake up and I look at myself in the mirror and it’s not the me that I am when I’m asleep.
I’m also a big chicken too because I haven’t told any of this to anyone.
There’s so much that could go wrong y’know not to mention school.
Oh there’d be a fresh slice of hell.
I’ve seen some of the stuff the bullies and the asses do in my old school.
Yeah I’ve switched schools since I’m now in seventh grade so here that’s what they call junior high. That’s here in Ontario grades seven through nine and we’re bundled sort of together too all of us that went to different elementary schools now here.
I know some of the kids and some of the bad ones are here too but there’s also the bad ones from like the other two schools. But it’s still only October and we all don’t really know each other yet and we’re sticking still sort of to our old groups.
Me I play hockey, Canada’s football. It’s the one sport that you can play like me and not be one of the hulking kids and be fast and as long as you can pass and shoot then you’re good.
It’s my perfect disguise.
I’m going all out with the shopping now too getting into it but also since we’re shopping for two girls I can buy multiples of things like hair extensions and the wigs and stuff because girls do that stuff we like to try different looks and if it was me.
I’d do one look at home to pass out treats, I’d have one look for school assuming I was a girl and wouldn’t get the crap kicked out of me and then one look for trick or treating and another for if I was going to a Halloween party.
“Whoa…that’s a lot of stuff Sport.”
Yick…Sport…thanks Dad woof…pant…pant…
“Well girls like to have choices and they like to do things and what might be cool to pass treats out isn’t like what Aunt El would wear say like after nine right?”
“Huh…okay good point. You think your mom thinks like that?”
“Daaad…trust me most girls think like that and way beyond that.”
“So…okay that’s a good idea.”
“What is?”
“Adult trick or treat.”
“Huh?” Why do I have the feeling that this will be like eeeww.
“We do the giving out candy stuff and then we have after like nine people over while you kids can….” He looks like he’s thinking.
I perk up with my own idea. “We could have a sleep over in the boat garage.”
We have a boat garage at home it’s not like dad’s work but it’s just a big garage where we keep out boat during the winter. It’s October so the boat’s still docked and that means it’s more or less empty.
“Good idea Bud, we can clean out all the tools and stuff and set it up like a sleep over for all the kids of the parents that’ll be over.”
Bud…Yick…images of me in flannel with a bootle of beer…get it bootle, Canadian eh.
“We can have like some scary movies and we can play music too and have a dance? It’ll maybe let your cousin get to know some people.”
“Awesome okay lets get all of this and grab some more candy.”
“More candy?”
Dad’s just grinning.
Okay I’ll admit he’s cool and he’s really into this stuff he always tells us about this store where he grew up that gave out full sized cans of pop and a full sized candy bar on Halloween and how those places always got “mad respect.” No….that’s not me saying that that’s dad trying to be cool.
Sorry Dad, I love you but you’re from the MC Hammer generation.
Aaaargh brain bleach…I just flashed on my dad trying to dance to *Can’t touch this.* in those pants…Yick.
I’m actually excited that I might just be able to pull this off.
We get the stuff and Dad’s lifting most of the bags up and he’s pointing to the mini-van like some kind of super hero.
“To the pumpkin!” He has those peal and stick clear decals for windows on the van…they weren’t there when we went into the store.
“God you’re such a dork.”
Masks Chapter 3
Chapter 3
We went home and I actually spent a lot of the time that week helping out with things around the house.
Getting pumpkins and hay bales and all those electric lights for things and Dad does go all out for things like this and stuff.
And getting the boat garage cleaned up for my friends to come over and the kids that’ll be there because they’re friends of my folks or Aunt Els. They’ll want to have their adult fun and stuff and we get to have our stuff.
I’ll admit that I’m kind of a full on geek with some stuff too.
Dad ponied up extra money for decorations and it’s mostly dollar store stuff but…I convinced him that those neon chem light stuff would be cool and he one upped me by getting a couple of black light bulbs.
Anyways I’m in the boat garage in the office cubby wearing one of the wigs and putting together the play list for the tunes for the night…actually I’m making a couple of music files for my old x-box. It can store a lot of stuff on it and we can use it for games and we can watch movies on it and we had this old but really big TV in the regular garage that we kept because we got newer ones and the old big set actually just never died.
“Nice hair.”
I jump and I squeak and spin all in the same second.
There’s this girl there that’s thin, kinda of skinny actually and she has this red, red hair that’s pretty well styled and she’s wearing what looks like a dancer’s leotard under a leather jacket that’s way too big for her and yet it really makes her have this look.
I pull the wig off. “Uhm I was just messing around.”
“Hey whatever.” She shrugs “I’m Mary Jane.” She offers her hand.
“Uhm…okay…I’m Steven.”
She actually smiles and comes into the office and leans on the little desk and does the hands in the pocket thing.
“Thanks for not doing the Spiderman thing.”
“What? Oh uhm okay I guess.” It takes me a bit to process stuff. “Oh…wait yeah the name and the hair.”
“Yeah, I’ve thought about dying it.”
“No, don’t you have killer hair just don’t pay attention to stuff like that.”
She’s looking at me funny. “So mom said you have a whole bunch of stuff for like costume stuff and all of that?”
“Oh yeah, wait you’re my cousin?”
“Yep. So whatcha got?”
I look at her and it takes me a minute to actually get some saliva back in my mouth. Okay she’s my cousin but M.J. is still a girl and really I have no social experience with girls.
“Uhm…right here.” I gesture to one of the folding tables where I’d been sorting things.
She walks over and while she’s not older than me I don’t think she’s a girl and starting to become more than that because she’s definitely starting to get curves.
I’m so jealous it makes my stupid non boobs ache.
“Wow mom was right you guys really go all out.”
“Yeah dad loves every single holiday but I think this one’s his second favorite.”
“Second…oh right Christmas.”
“Yeah Christmas for sure.”
She’s looking through things. “Wow you’ve got some quality things here.”
“Well dad had no clue.”
She looks at me again and takes the wig from me and puts it back on my head.
Swallow, swallow, swallow.
She has this look on her face.
“What?”
“Are you sure you’re named Steven?”
“What, Why! And the instant defense goes up. “Hey I’m a hockey player y’know!”
I snatch off the wig fast and was going to give her my best boyhole glare.
But she looks sad.
“I…Uhm M.J.?”
“Sorry, sorry, sorry shit I’m such a spaz.” She steps back and she’s waving her hands in front of her face which is making the sleeves of her leather jacket flap.
I take her wrists and lead her to my chair and sit her down.
“It’s okay, it’s okay chill before you take flight.”
(Sniffle.) “Okay.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to freak it’s just that…”
She interrupts me. “It’s just that you looked Amanda!”
“Okay…?” And in my head I’m wondering…Okay……..?
(Sniffle.) “She was my best friend before…before we had to move…and move…and…thanks.” I passed her a tissue.
She’s wiping her eyes and I get the wig and put it on again. Go and grab another chair and check my hair in the mirror and I don’t look that bad with shoulder length blonde hair…I’m still in sweats and a trans-am logo t-shirt. (It’s guyoflauge.) I get some make up wipes and go over and sit with her.
“It’s okay, it’s okay you just really freaked me out. No harm not foul see?”
I take my wipes and start to clean off her mascara and eye shadow.
(Sniffle.) “You really didn’t have to do this.”
“Yeah well I’m a nice girl.” I really try to make light of the way I’m actually feeing in my voice. “Here look up.” I go really carefully but I get a bit that got water clumped.
“Thanks…and sorry about that I mean it’s just.”
“Being the new kid sucks?”
“Yeah…and teenaged girls aren’t exactly the most welcoming of people.”
“With your body yeah the bitchy one’s would hate you on sight.”
“Yeah…” She takes my hand and she’s looking at me really intensely before looking down. “I still shouldn’t have called you a girl though. You don’t have to wear the wig now.”
“Hey, no big. There’s nothing wrong with being a girl.”
She nods sniffling.
“Yeah you’re right…you’re really good at…thanks for trying to be the worried GF Steven.”
“Yeah, not a big deal.”
“Kinda is and now I feel bad.”
“Still?” I roll my eyes just like I see the girls do at school.
She laughs and she has a laugh that matches the rest of her, she’s like Aunt Els…or learned it from her. Cool chick right down to the laugh.
“Yeah I heard thirteen and hockey player and I was expecting an asshole.”
“Well I’m glad to disappoint then.”
She smiles at me.
“You want to be a girl this Halloween?”
Gulp…oh…uhm… I bite my lip oh man I’m so scared right now.
“Please…I mean…I don’t know anyone and you look so much like Amanda used to and…and I just don’t want to be alone until I meet some people.”
I look at her.
“Okay…okay as long as when you start making friends you don’t eave me hanging all alone with wind blowing up my skirt.”
She nods and has what is only a watery smile. (Sniffle) “Deal.”
I offer her my hand but folded up and pinky extended.
She takes my pinky in hers and she shakes. “I swear.”
I try a brave girl smile at her…yes girls can smile differently, they have this who range of stuff that’s guyboden for me to do.
I’m scared actually but I say it anyway. “Girlfriends.”
Mary Jane shakes pinkies with me again. “Girlfriends.”
I really wish I could happy cry right now. It almost feels like my heart’s beating for the first time all over again.
Masks Chapter 4
Chapter 4
*Before………..
I try a brave girl smile at her…yes girls can smile differently, they have this whole range of stuff that’s guyboden for me to do.
I’m scared actually but I say it anyway. “Girlfriends.”
Mary Jane shakes pinkies with me again. “Girlfriends.”
I really wish I could happy cry right now. It almost fees like my heart’s beating for the first time all over again.
*Now…………
She lets out this shaky sigh. “I hate when I get like that.”
“Like what?”
“I get upset and all weepy and stuff sometimes.”
“I think it’s pretty cool actually.”
“Oh yeah because crying will so have people not think you’re an emotional spaz.”
“M.J. it’s okay you’re just in touch with stuff. I think that’s a sign of a big heart.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
Yes I do and I’m not saying that there are times I’m so tightly locked up under the boy seal that I feel things so much it needs out but I don’t dare so it hurts even more.
And more.
Until I reach to that thing that guys have to do that shuts it all down.
Only I’m a girl not a guy so when I do that it kills me inside a little bit every time.
“Steven…Steven…hey…you okay?”
“Yeah….” I lie.
“It was like I lost you there a minute.”
“Just thinking.”
“About?”
“What I’m going to do for a costume if we’re doing this.” Kinda true, kinda a lie.
“Well what kind of party are we having?”
“I dunno just costumes and a kinda dance.”
“Okay cool, so what are you into?”
Oh there’s a loaded question, the thing is a lot of the cool stuff I like isn’t really girly and that kind of gives me this whole kinda guilt thing sometimes because I mean…If I know I’m a girl shouldn’t I be like more girly and stuff.
I bite my lip. “Mostly guy stuff.”
M.J. gets this look and tilts her head. “Like what exactly.”
“Videogames, comics, movies, sports.”
“Uhm…Steven news flash I’m into those things too.”
“Okay…”
She rolls her eyes. “No seriously, why don’t you come over to the house and hang and you can see that I’m into the same things as you are.”
“I’m not saying you’re not it’s just that I mean….”
“Mean?”
“I don’t have any sisters M.J. so like my all things girl is kinda based off my mom.”
“Yeah…okay so come on.”
“I…okay let me go ask.”
I put the stuff in a box and jog into the house through the back porch and look for mom and see her there with Aunt El’s and the house smells like bread?
Oh yum, fresh baked bread.
Wow Aunt Elsbeth is really something…. Raven haired and blue eyed it’s a dye job though she has red hair naturally but I’ve always seen her with black hair. Smart dark rimmed glasses that look great on her, she’s that older woman with that great fashion sense…example she’s wearing a vintage rock tee with a scoop neck that does the yay boobies thing but it flows perfectly to the jeans she’s wearing with this heavy leather belt the makes her waist and goes with the leather boots she’s wearing.
She makes me ache to be like that…it’s. She’s so pretty and together and cool and the complete opposite of the way I feel everyday.
I swallow down that lump of me that I have when all those feelings start up.
“Hi Aunt Els.”
“Ah…Steven?” She’s looking at me like se had to makes sure it was me.
“Uhm yeah.”
She gives me a hug and I hug her back. I look over at mom who’s giving me a funny look. Mom’s no slouch either but she’s mom and she’s in capri pants and a sweat shirt and just y’know mom stuff but it still usually cause me the same thing.
I want to look like my mom does when she smiles. Which she’s doing now. Mom has a great smile too like Julia Roberts meets Jan Arden. “What up honey?”
She’s setting fresh bread out from the oven and raises an eyebrow like if I want some. I nod. “Please and some for M.J. too.”
She grabs a loaf she took out before this one and the electric knife. “So…you want something?”
“How’d?”
“Mystic mom powers.”
“Can I go over to M.J.’s she wants to hang out?”
“Sure you two are hitting it off?”
“Yeah we are she’s kinda nice and stuff so can I go over?”
Mom looks at Aunt Elsbeth and she just shrugs. “They’ll be at my place it’s not like they’ll be running around on the streets like I did.”
Mom nods. “Okay, just watch out for cars.”
I don’t roll my eyes or anything it’s actually smart. I had a friend die on us a few years back because of a dumb driver. See our little part of the sub burbs is a short cut to get out to the malls. It takes you out right close to the high way without having to deal with a bunch of highway traffic so it’s a short cut for some people.
And then there’s those people that think because they’re not on the highway they can text or talk on their phones and drive.
I nod and I take the two offered slices of bread and start applying some peanut butter while it’s still hot and it can get all gooey and melty.
I’m just getting them done when both get snagged by Billy and Bobby and I try to snatch them back before they...
The asses took bites.
Billy looks at me and snorts. “Fag.” And punches me in the arm. Bobby snorts and he snatches the wig…shit I was wearing the wig and he starts swatting me with it.
“Why you wearing that wig twerp?”
“Give it back!”
“Give it back….” That was Billy.
I’m getting upset and not in the way that I usually do and try and funnel it into boy-aggro but with everything that just happened the real me is too close to the surface and it’s just too hard to keep on my Steven mask.
Tears are coming and I can’t keep them from happening no matter how hard that I try not to.
And their bigger than me and stronger than me and they’re laughing and there’s the odd shove as they’re playing monkey in the middle.
Thwack! Thwack!
“Ow shit Mom!” Both of them just got mom’s near slap-shot speed smacks with one of the wooden spoons.
“Language both of you!” She takes my wig back from Bobby and passes it to me I take it and hold it in my hands fisting it and trying to get that boy mask back into place. “Leave your brother alone he was helping your cousin out.”
“Oh well that’s an excuse.” That was Bobby.
“Robert…” She growls at him.
“Mom we were just joking he needs to toughen up.” That was Billy.
“I’m tough enough as it is jerk.” I shoot back at him.
“Really you looked plenty queer wearing that, you know doing stuff like that’ll get around and I’m not taking heat because my little brothers going around like some fairy.”
“Why you afraid that people will get the right idea about you and thing that you’re into guys?”
Billy lunges at me. “You little shit…ow!”
Mon applies the Vulcan ear-twist to him before he gets to me. “Enough the three of you! Billy, Bobby both of you lay off your brother you’re just be asses to be asses or do you want to try this attitude with your father?”
“No mum…” They carouse and look abashed and there’s a sort of mixture of glare with grin at me.
“Steven you take a loaf with you two and go okay.”
“Yeah okay…” I hunch and resist to wipe at my face and I go behind the kitchen island and Aunt Els takes the garbage can out and she holds it out to my brothers.
“No bread for you two.”
“But…!”
“Yeah that’s exactly what you two were being.”
“Mom…!”
Mom looks at both of them and nods at the garbage can and they dump the stolen bread slices in with a sigh and she points upstairs. “Go and maybe you tow can actually think about behaving like civil human beings instead of the hooligans that you’re being.”
They leave and I’m wrapping a loaf of bread up in paper towels so the steam doesn’t make it soggy but my hands are shaking and my stomach is in knots. Mom and Aunt Els look at me. “Are you okay honey?”
I put the bread in a plastic grocery bag and I look at her and part of me just wants to be able to break down and cry and have her hold me and tell me that it’s okay. That everything that I’m feeling is okay.
But how can you say something like that to your parents who are so obviously into you being what they think you are?
I don’t know how to even be who I really am.
And there’s a fresh dose of shame to go with the stomach ache and I can imagine that’s the real me curled up into a ball inside.
It hurts a little more as I nod and slip on my I’m fine face. “I’m okay, I’m going to go alright?”
Mom nods. “They’re just being fifteen year old guys their all full of teen hormones and stuff, don’t sweat it okay. You get to be their age you might be just as bad.”
“No…” I choke on the words and I leave heading back out to the boat garage and meet up with M.J. who’s outside and just looking around the yard.
She looks at me. “What happened?”
“Nothing…” My voice creaks under the strain of the stuff I’m feeling.
“Doesn’t sound like nothing.”
“Older brothers…asshole older brothers and puberty crap.”
“Yeah I met them when we were moving in, real charmers they did nothing but gripe and scratch and stuff and ogled my next door neighbor.”
“Can we just get out of here? I really don’t want to talk about it or like be here right now.”
“Sure.”
We leave and walk and I take up through a couple of short cuts between home and her place. That’s the thing about the suburbs there’s always a few spots or lots that aren’t used and us locals turn into paths. Actually there’s two or three that the town just said heck with it that go through little sections of trees that they actually made paths and put gravel on because everyone was using them.
Their house is a lot like mine but just not in as good a shape…yet. I mean dad is really good with his hands and stuff. It’s a two story place with that glassed in farmers styled front porch and the same in back and lots of maple trees in the front yard and a huge back yard…kind of a field and there’s kind of an old barn that’s been there doubling as a garage.
Actually it looks like that semi gothy witchy kind of place that Aunt Els would have definitely bought.
M.J. sort of skips to the porch and she unlocks the doors and we head inside. It’s nice but it needs a lot of work still. She leads us to the kitchen and it’s nice too as far as I can tell really old styled which I guess is popular these days and she goes to a cupboard with all these jam jars with the ring kind of lids on them and stuff and she takes a bottle down.
“Put the kettle on and I’ll make some tea.”
“Tea?”
“Tea’s good for when you’re upset.”
“Uhm…okay.”
I look for the kettle and find it on the stove and go and fill it with water and Mary Jane’s looking at me.
“I’ll be right back.”
“Uhm…okay…where are the knives?”
“Over there but for the bread only.”
“Huh?”
She’s just looking at me and it takes me a few seconds to get it. “Okay…not really something I’d do M.J.”
I’m too much of a chicken.
“Good, just stay here and get comfortable I’ll be right back.”
“Okay…” I sigh and look for the bread knife and I start to cut on some of the loaves and she’s not gone that long before she’s back and she passes me these cute sweat pants that are black but with a bright pink racing stripe and this grey girls hoodie with like rocker styled roses embroidered on the hood and the sleeves and there’s and Headly girl’s tee-shirt and ankle socks.
“Uhm M.J.?’ I give her what I’m hoping is a scared and helpless boy look instead of the I’m found out look.
“You swore with me right? Well Steven doesn’t want to talk about it but….my girlfriend Stephanie? Might ‘cause girls talk and…” She’s holding up her hand and her pinky.
“I…” Part of me is wildly looking for an excuse and the other part is waking up like the real me curled up crying inside just say someone open up the drapes inside the dark room I’ve been trapped in and I…I can maybe…maybe just take a chance…look outside…be me…?
“Okay…okay…”
I can do this right?
“Good the bathroom is upstairs and on the left.”
I head up and I’m shaking…I look at myself in the mirror and I take the wig out of my jacket pocket and shake it loose and try to get it to look okay and I get undressed and stare at myself…not at this stranger that only sort of looks like me in the mirror and then mask falls off and I grab a towel and I start crying into it to muffle the way that everything feels right now.
That’s not me looking back at me.
Masks Chapter 5
*Before…
“I…” Part of me is wildly looking for an excuse and the other part is waking up like the real me curled up crying inside just say someone open up the drapes inside the dark room I’ve been trapped in and I…I can maybe…maybe just take a chance…look outside…be me…?
“Okay…okay…”
I can do this right?
“Good the bathroom is upstairs and on the left.”
I head up and I’m shaking…I look at myself in the mirror and I take the wig out of my jacket pocket and shake it loose and try to get it to look okay and I get undressed and stare at myself…not at this stranger that only sort of looks like me in the mirror and then mask falls off and I grab a towel and I start crying into it to muffle the way that everything feels right now.
That’s not me looking back at me.
*And Now…
It’s hard, it’s so damned hard to get myself under control and it’s a good five minutes or so I think of me crying into the towel I’m holding and shaking and that curled up inside this person that’s on the outside of me thing kind builds to this stomach hurting and hard to breathe crying fit that feels like the real me is punching and kicking and trying to get out and get free.
It’s like a little storm inside all stirred up by my idiot brothers and all of this stuff with M.J. and it’s over though and the hurt fades to that dull used to it ache and I try to breathe…I snag some tissues and blow my nose and that helps.
It happens you know me, the real me rearing up and trying to get out. It doesn’t last…it’s just that after living with this for years and years…yes I’m aware I’m just a kid but I knew that I wasn’t a boy as long as I could remember really.
The real me…I’m…she’s tired.
It is so tiring being like this.
I breathe and breathe and I close my eyes and I grab a hand towel and I wet it and let the water run to get it as cold as I can and I press it to my face. Get the blotchy down to a workable level.
Breathe…breathe…
Okay I wash a bit too and I get undressed and I try not to look in the mirror to see the stuff in there that’ll set me off again and I slip into the clothes that M.J. lent me and even the track pants seem really soft compared to mine and I like the tee-shirt even if I’m totally flat and I slip on the ankle socks and then the wig.
There’s some bobby pins there and I push them through the rubber of the wigs scalp and fit it into place. I mean it’s not like a real hair wig it’s like a cheap one but it looks pretty close to natural and I fuss with it a little bit until I get it set with then pins clipped sort of into my own hair and then I comb and brush it out and put the hoodie on.
“Oh holy shit…”
I know it’s just a cheap wig and clothes but right now this is closer than I’ve ever been to being me and everything.
God looking at the stuff there on the counter I sooo, sooo… badly want to do more.
I bite my lips and curl my hands into my sleeves and take a good long look and pull it in.
This might be one of the only times in my life that I’ll ever be the real me in real clothes.
I gather my things and set them in a pile neatly and I head downstairs.
I can smell spices and toast and chocolate?
“Mary Jane?”
“Yo! You okay? I didn’t think you needed that much help getting into…oh holy cheese!”
I smile at the reaction and I take a little spin.
“So…does these sweats so off my butt?”
“……………….”
“M.J.?”
“Uhm what? Oh geez Steph you look…”
“I look what?” Do I look stupid? Do I look like some stupid boy in drag?
Wait what? She called me Steph.
“You look like a girl.”
“Wasn’t that ‘like’ the point?”
“Yeah but wow.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, seriously.”
“Not a guy in drag.”
“Hey! You’re wearing my clothes I don’t dress like a drag queen.”
“No actually not this outfit’s pretty cool actually a little Avril.”
“Oh…well that’s not so bad.”
“No I like her look I’d kill to have her hair.”
She’s giving me a funny look.
I point to myself. “Uhm…hello girlfriend…”
“Yeah…okay and speaking of that c’mon we should talk.”
Oh dammit I almost had her off that.
“I’m okay.”
“No, you’re chilled out. Whatever got to you is still there y’know talking helps.”
(Sigh.) “Okay…” I go over to the table where she’s at and I love it. They’re kitchen table is actually this table set in front of this curved window seat like a booth at a restaurant. Only it’s a window seat and it’s really nice and cozy and comfy looking.
I’d have honestly bought this house just for that.
Mary Jane pour steaming milk from a ceramic pitcher and then tea from another pot and it smells like hot chocolate with spices? She made toast too from the bread but there’s icing on it? And she has some without but there’s an open jar of that hazelnut chocolate stuff.
I take a sip of the tea? Ohhh I like this. “What is this?”
“Chocolate Chai tea.”
“I like it.”
She nods and she takes a drink of her own and she looks at me. “Okay what gives?”
“Huh?”
“Don’t huh me, you’re already a big question mark.”
“Like what? I mean why am I a big question mark?”
“Uhm you’re dressed as a girl and you’re hanging out with me.”
“Yes…I thought that we covered that when we pinky swore?”
“Steph…c’mon spill.”
I take a sip of my tea and look at it. “I don’t mind it…M.J. they’re just clothes and you’re pretty cool and you seemed like you really wanted to hang out with me like this.”
“I do…I mean we’ve moved around so much and it’s so hard for me to make friends looking like this.”
“Yeah well sometimes being beautiful is a curse.”
“Yeah…and you’re changing the topic!” She gives me this piqued look.
I shrug. “It’s not a big deal. I’m weird and I don’t mind stuff that some other guys do.”
“I noticed and you know about stuff like how to clean off make up and you look totally comfortable in those clothes.”
“Well they’re comfortable and I do know some girls and I do watch the things that you girls do and stuff.”
Like all the time, almost religiously.
I try some of the toast and it’s good she made cinnamon toast with lots of cinnamon but the white stuff is like the sort of cream cheese icing like you’d have on carrot cake and just leaning more towards the tart cheesy side that sweet.
“Okay, then why were you upset?”
“Billy and Bobby.”
“Okay since they’re kind of dicks to begin with I’m going to say that they did something that involved them being dicks?”
“Yeah, I went in the house in a hurry and I totally forgot and I was wearing the wig.”
“And they decided to tease you about it?”
“Yeah and to take it and play monkey in the middle with it and me.”
“Oh okay so you guys got into a fight?”
“Sort of just…I’m not like them. And you almost have to be like then to survive them sometimes and it just sucks.”
I feel the hurt and stuff beginning to bubble inside. I take a hot drink and try to wash it down.
“That bad? I mean don’t brothers like do that kind of stuff?”
“Yeah some I mean I guess but they never really let up y’know they’re always ‘putting me in my place. And then they’re always saying stuff like that and they think that because I can look at a girl and think she’s a person more than a piece of ass or a pair of boobs that I’m gay or something.”
“Are you gay?”
“Not as far as I know of…?”
And honestly I don’t know. I’ve never been able to look at other girls without wanting to be like them or even be them for as long as I remember and everything else was just guyoflage all the time. At the same token I’ve never had a boy that has given me the yays.
“But them calling you it bugs you.”
“Hell yeah and all the other stuff too. I mean I play hockey and I like it and it’s fun and stuff buy it’s just the locker rooms to me and it’s more kind of smelly and gross in there than anything that I’d find sexy.” I actually allow that bit out with a long repressed shudder.
M.J. Smirks at that.
“Okay so they’re assholes then. But I mean you‘re used to that right?”
“Mary Jane, you never really get used to that stuff….trust me.”
“But don’t your folks stop it?”
“Yeah, and Mom and Dad put them in their place usually but it just gets old and I get mad and when I get mad I open way up and I get really pissed but I get that upset that sometimes I cry and that just gives them more stuff to be jerks about.”
“I’d get tired of it too.”
I nod. “Well if you were their sister I’d shudder to thing how they’re treat you then.”
“Well I’d likely kick their butts too.”
“But that’s not the worst of it either!”
Okay I’m getting a bit steamed again, hurt.
“It’s what Mom said that they’re teenaged assholes because they’re going through puberty and that I’ll likely be a teenaged asshole too when I start and I don’t want that! I don’t want to be like them M.J.!”
“Then don’t be an asshole.”
That was so not what I was talking about. But I just sigh and nod. It hurts and I try more tea to wash it down.
“I know…but it feels like there’s this gun to my head that I’ll hit puberty like them and all the Moronestone they have pumping through them will mess with my head and start changing me and…Jesus M.J. I don’t want to be like them! I don’t and it scares the crap out of me.”
She slides over and she hugs me. I hug her and while I’m fighting back from crying again I know I’m shaking…I can feel parts of me rattle.
“Believe it or not I get it too Steph.”
“Really?” I’m really trying hard not to go to the Emo sarcastic place because how could she know.
“Yeah…believe me all this stuff with me wasn’t on my list of omigawd yay things.”
“All this stuff like?”
“The boobs, the butt…going into puberty like this.”
“But you look so good.”
“Yeah but before that I was just this skinny red haired geeky tomboy girl and then puberty slams into me and stuff and I change. I was scared to death of it.”
“But you’re not going to turn into something that you’re not.”
“Oh no? I've seen friends that did. Geeky and smart and funny and cool one time and the next year they (She does air quotes) ‘Blossom.’ and it’s all boys and boys and clothes and not just that stuff because I get it too I mean it’s not like it’s that strange but it was like puberty hit this bimbo button and they just started acting stupid.”
“Oh…well I’m pretty sure it doesn’t make you dumber.”
“No, it doesn’t but with them they acted it. They were suddenly pretty and then popular and they pretty much just left the rest of us behind and acted…and I mean acted like dummies so the boys would like them.”
“Kinda uncool.”
“Yeah but I was scared it was going to happen to me. That the hormones or whatever would get in my head and make it so like I was feeling stuff differently and that I’d act like that…like them.”
“But they didn’t change they just sold out M.J...”
“Exactly just like your brothers.”
“Huh?”
“Look at them they’re just guys and they act like a whole lot of guys act but not all guys are like that, not by half.”
“I…okay maybe I won’t but I…I’m still scared M.J.”
“And I get that, hey think how scary getting a period is. Bleeding and the smells and then you’re bloated and crampy and then there’s the mood swings. I used to see people I knew after they got theirs and wondered what the hell happened and if I’d go nuts too.”
“It’s not that bad.”
She looks at me. “Y’know I could go off on a girl rant about how would you know for you saying that.” She raises her eyebrow at me.
“Sorry.” But I would give anything for that…even the pain and the blood all of it.
“You’re right for a lot of us it isn’t the deal so many of us play it up to be but there are some girls where it’s torture. But what I’m meaning seeing that stuff and staring down the barrel of that gun is kind of scary as much as it’s a good thing.”
“Good thing?”
“Oh in girl land if you haven’t gotten you’re period then you’re kind of considered a freshman amongst girls it’s like guys and fighting.”
I nod. “Actually yeah, you get no respect if you haven’t been in at least one kind of public scrape or semi public scrape even if you lose.”
I add. “Unless you’re good at sports, if you’re a jock you get a pass.”
“Is that why Steven plays?”
Blink, blink…
“Actually he does. When you’re weird and different and not like the other kids the best camouflage is to be good at sports unless you can do something just as cool.”
“Just as cool?”
“Bands, bands are cool enough to get you a pass.”
“So what is Steven cover up by playing hockey?”
I…uhm…
Sigh… “That he doesn’t want to be some testosterone filled jerk like all the other guys that he knows. It’s not socially manceptable.”
I look at her and she’s looking at me and she leans on my side and gives me this big hug. “Well anytime Steph wants to escape the Guylight zone she’s welcome here.”
I know or I think she means it differently but I’m going to take it anyway. I can’t do this at home…it’s…it’s just Mom there and she wouldn’t get me not wanting to be her son.
And Dad the same. I don’t think they’d hate me but at the same time I’d be a pretty big bunch of not getting it and being embarrassed for and because of me and even being disappointed.
I think seeing them disappointed in me would be one of the worst things.
My brothers though yeah…well they’re assholes on a regular day to me I don’t even want to imagine what they’d do with this.
I squeeze a little tighter too with M.J. because there’s a little desperate strength in there and I get it. She’s lonely and she really wants a friend and we’re related so there’s a big chunk of the socially awkward stuff already done and out of the way with us.
“It’s been rough huh M.J.?”
“Wha…” I think I surprised her.
“Moving and showing up at these new schools.”
“Yeah…god Steph it sucks.”
“But you’re here now.”
“And scared as shit.”
“Well I happen to know that Steven will help out he’s good like that.”
(Sniffle.) “Good…god it sucks…I move to a new place and it’s hard enough being the new kid but then you have these. (She chest gestures) and they assume shit and the stuff I get is like I’m a bimbo or I’m a slut or both and the popular girls want to snub me and they do and the geek girls snub me and they do so I’m usually the odd girl out and by the time I’m there for a week I’m a snob because they won’t associate with me!”
She went from zero to cry in that burst and I shift my weight so she’s leaning and crying on my shoulder instead of me on hers and I rock a little.
“Hey… even when I’m in drag we’re still going to be girlfriends.”
“Drag?”
“Guy drag.” God I’m really skimming the edge with this.
She sniffle chuckles a little. “Cool…so you won’t leave me hanging at school?”
“No way no how we pinky swore I hold that shit sacred.”
Mary Jane looks at me. “I’m so glad we’re cousins. I’d never have had the guts to make a friend like you this fast.”
I nod. “Ditto that goes for me too. I mean you’re actually the first real female friend that I’ve ever had.”
She nods. “I’ve tried but like I said it’s hard and then there’s my dad…”
Mary Jane’s dad is an RCMP officer and he and Aunt Elsbeth are divorced I heard Mom say it was because he was cheating on her and stuff. I’m not going to call him a jerk for it even though it’s a shitty thing to have done I’m just going to say with the stuff that you go through on the job with like law enforcement and stuff something gives.
One of the goalies on the hockey team his dad was in the armed forces and he’s said that his dad hasn’t been the same since coming back from Afghanistan and I know another kid whose mom was an EMT who’s in rehab.
But one of the shitty things is if you’re in an RCMP family is they move around a lot and you don’t usually get station with like a choice of where you’re going to be until you’ve been in a long time and they need a person to be like the local Sergeant.
And everyone knows moving around sucks and the only thing worse than being a preachers kid is a cops kid and yeah…she’s been through enough stuff.
She wipes her eyes. “Thanks Steph you’re…you’ve like super been awesome for me all day.”
I grin and tilt my head and valley girl it. “I’ve been like sup-per awesome like totally.”
She shoulder shoves me. “Hey! I don’t talk like that!”
“But you just said it?” I start to snicker and she does too.
“That was so cool you do vale so well.”
“Lots of TV and stuff.” It’s true when I can watch something girl oriented I do…partly to escape and partly to just learn…and a lot of the time it’s on my laptop or e-reader and stuff…some young teenaged guys read and look at porn me I’ve clandestinely read all of the Sweet Valley High books.
They are good books actually for kid’s books.
Mary Jane gets up and she grabs the plate with the toast on it and she refills our teas. “C’mon let’s go upstairs and stuff you said you wanted to see my room right?”
“Sure!”
I’m partly excited and I’m partly bracing myself to be jealous and I go with her upstairs.
I feel better than I did…opening up and helping each other even if it’s not all the way it’s helped, the clothes are helping heck being in an exclusively female home helps.
I’m not into the spiritual stuff that much because I can’t it’s guyboden but there is a female energy to the house.
I…okay M.J. bedroom door has these little tole-painted flowers around the old moulding for the door and she has a dream catcher hanging there in the middle of the door. It’s cool already.
Masks Chapter 6
*Before…
I’m partly excited and I’m partly bracing myself to be jealous and I go with her upstairs.
I feel better than I did…opening up and helping each other even if it’s not all the way it’s helped, the clothes are helping heck being in an exclusively female home helps.
I’m not into the spiritual stuff that much because I can’t it’s guyboden but there is a female energy to the house.
I…okay M.J. bedroom door has these little tole-painted flowers around the old moulding for the door and she has a dream catcher hanging there in the middle of the door. It’s cool already.
*And Now…
Oh seriously what a cool room and yeah in between the ohhh and aww moments there’s a stab of jealousy.
First off it’s location.
M.J.’s room is at the end of the hall and it’s the back of the house. Or the back of the second floor of the house and it’ like ten by like twenty or something like that so like it’s huge.
Secondly it has a bunch of windows and right under the windows is the peaked roof for the back porch.
Yep she can climb out the window and sit on her porch roof.
Then the rest if this room that’s a girl’s bedroom and I’ve never been I one before. Oh there’s like all the standard stuff a bed which is awesome because it’s one of those four poster princess ones and it’s huge…like a king sized bed and then she has this vanity and set of dressers that are cute and near the side of the room with her bed and then there’s this really big looking closet.
But even the rest is…she has all these plastic shelving units like those for shelf rubber and plastic ones with all these things on them ranging from little glass figurines to ceramic unicorns and toys even she has little care bears and my little ponies but she has like stuff from like comic toys too like some of the girl action figures from like Batman and X-men and all the action figures for like Sailor Moon.
Yes I watch anime sometimes…and yes I like the girl ones.
It sucks that I don’t get to see as much as I want to and that I have to sort of sneak doing it but there you go.
Things out of life in the trans-closet.
But this side is a girly place but not like the super femmy girly thing but books and bookshelves with authors that I’ve heard and some that I have myself. It’s easier to get away with hard fiction and fantasy books with my brothers since they’re not really looking at books. Mark might but then Mark’s thankfully gotten to the point of he has a licence and that means that he’s either working or playing football or just out since that’s happened.
I know about half of the authors she has on there and she has comics too. Girl comics and not the stuff that I’d have thought of but she has Ghost, Fathom, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and there’s other titles likely about a dozen and some are old but really most I’ve only heard about.
She had movies on VHS and DVD’s and even things that she’s built with like legos and she has the cool legos the grey space stuff ones.
It’s so both of everything and it smells like girl…like girl body smells and make-up and perfumes and potpourri here and even the lingering scent of like incense too.
I’m actually just turning around and around staring at everything and I’m just blown away. Even the wall posters are like girl and yet her. Mostly rock bands and stuff but she has few Riddick posters so I think she likes Vin Diesel and I smile at her having the real poster art image for the first upside down Spiderman and Mary Jane kiss…I don’t have that issue but I have seen it before and no…it wasn’t the same as the movie scene.
It’s better actually.
I grin and wave my hand at it. “Oh so you’re a fan?”
M.J. shrugs. “Oh the kiss? Oh yeah I mean I’m named sort of like after her so yeah…besides it’s really romantic.”
“Yeah it actually kind of is.”
“So…wadda-ya think?”
“Cool room I’d love to have it.”
“See I told you that I’m a geek.”
“Yeah but girl geek is a whole lot different than I ever thought it’d be.”
M.J. nods. “It’s different for sure, you’re the first girl I’ve had up here that didn’t shoot me this semi look of horror at my uncoolness after seeing all of this.”
Oh…yay she called me a girl. That’s got me grinning really big time. “Well you’re still cool to me.”
She unfolds a card table and sets the food on it and I go for another piece of the toast and she sits behind her computer and she’s looking stuff up. “So what’s the plan?”
“Plan?”
“For like the party. What are we going as?”
“I have no idea it’s not like there’s a theme everyone’s just going to head home to the boat garage after everyone’s done like trick or treating.”
“Seriously like you guys actually go trick or treating?”
I blink and look at her. “Uhm yeah, it’s still kinda a big deal here.”
“Most places when kids get our age they don’t y’know.”
“Well we still do here I mean it’s Halloween.”
“And?”
“And we go out to show off and then there’s like the whole town costume contest thing.”
“What’s that?”
“The town has like ballots that parents pick up and they take names and they vote and there’s a prize for the person that gets the most votes in like the age groups and stuff.”
“Really?”
“Yeah it’s like a town spirit thing and it’s like good for business thing.”
“So like what’s the contest prizes?”
“Well for our age coup I’m pretty sure it’s like five movie tickets for the Cineplex.”
“Really that’s kind of cool.”
“Smart too, since the movie is free you can buy more treats and popcorn and stuff plus I mean you go to five movies in a year odds are you’re going to want to see more because you got used to going.”
“Oh cool…Thor’s coming out in November.”
“Thor?”
“Uhm yeah hello…hottie big buff blonde guy and lots of cool action and stuff.”
“I saw the first one but I’ve not really kinda put him or any other guy in that place.”
“Place?”
“The hot place.”
“Hot place?”
“Yeah with the spotlight and the angels singing ‘Aaaaaahhh….’ Like in the TV shows.”
M.J. giggles then snorts then she slaps her hand over her mouth and nose because she snorted which sets me off laughing and I fall down on this bean bag chair she has by her bookshelf.
We laugh for a nit and it’s actually sooo good. I mean when you’re like me even laughing like a girl is guyboden.
And I don’t really giggle but it’s just different then my boy laugh and it’s nice not to watch my body language too.
I sit up once I’ve gotten the laughs under control and grab onto the chair and wriggle-walk it over to where she’s sitting and looking at the computer.
We start to look at costumes and we Google the stuff that’s trending for like girl costumes this year and there’s a lot of these thing and even though they’re for kids there’s a lot that’s kinda adult stuff.
Yeah there’s like the icky adult stuff not that it’s icky but there’s just some stuff that teens my age shouldn’t be wearing…like naughty french maid outfits.
But there seems to be this definite trend to the really girly kinds of things with like pastels and body suits made to look like other stuff.
There’s a lot of the standards like nurses and witches and princesses, witches and cat girls and some of them are kind of neat. Some of the newer ideas are good too like car-hop girl…I like the look of that but at this point that’s a kind of really old days kind of a thing.
“I remember dad talking about those.”
“What?”
“Drive in restaurants instead of a drive through.”
“I thought drive ins where like those old styled movie places?”
“I think it’s both. This was like you pull into someplace and the waitress would roller-skate out to your car.”
“Really that’s cool, wish we had those now.”
“Yeah roller-skates are awesome.”
“You like roller skates?”
“Yeah sometimes even better than like in-line skates. I actually have a whole bunch of them home that I bought at a flea market and I’ve been fixing.”
Actually I have but I’ve cobbled together a cute pair of girl’s skates too…I never thought I might get to use them and it was almost it was enough just to have them.
Maybe…though.
“So any ideas?”
“I was thinking maybe roller derby girls?”
“Oh okay that would be cool and we wouldn’t look like dorks.”
“That and we could cruise around skating as we went trick or treating.”
“Oh yeah that…” I can see her still wrapping her head around that.
“The contest and prizes….”
“Oh yeah…” I see her eyes sort of light up and stuff and we end up turning on some music and looking at more stuff online.
There’s a lot of cute stuff and a lot of cutesy stuff but it’s getting something for M.J. that’s the challenge I mean there’s stuff that’s okay but then there’s the fact she’s a red head and that leads to stuff that’s okay but you don’t want to be too adult and you don’t want to be too cliché and we’re both pretty sure that we’re not going to do something that’s over done or too geeky.
We actually start kind of hodge-podging ideas and stuff and trying to find something that might actually have a chance of winning or at least placing.
M.J. leans back in her chair. “Gawd….I so don’t want to do these things.”
“Well what about the roller derby stuff?”
“It sounds cool but that’s not Halloweeny enough.”
“Like what then? I don’t want to do like EMO or something like all Gothy and stuff because that’s going to be done to death.”
She nods. “And the comic stuff too. I’m not doing Mary Jane Parker and there’s going to be some Black Widows out there from the Avengers stuff.”
“Anime’s out since no one will really get that either.” I add.
“And no Disney I’m not doing Ariel.”
“But you could do the girl from Brave.”
“No…I canna do the accent.”
I laugh at that. “Hey that wasn’t bad.”
She smiles. “Thank you I try.”
“So…?”
“I don’t know, we still have time to think about it some.”
“Yeah…so what are we going to do now?” I soooo don’t want to go home right now.
“Movies or videogames?”
“Movies I’ve had enough video games and being competitive for awhile I just want to relax and not live in the Guylight zone for awhile.”
She looks at me. “You’re really into this huh?”
I look at her. “Actually yeah…it’s nice not having to be Steven.” I’m not lying I’m just not that ready to jump out of the closet and do little ballet jumps across the room.
“So it’s not just you being a really cool cousin and a friend?”
“No not just this is such a nice break from like everything.”
“Yeah honestly I’m a single child and there were times that I wanted to have a sib but getting older and seeing people with them it’s kinda nice that I don’t too. I can’t imagine what living with the butt-brothers would be like.”
“And Mark.”
“Mark’s bad too?”
“Mark was sort of the worst. He’s the oldest so to him he’s like duty bound to be an ass half of the time to the rest of us. It’s not so bad now that he can drive and has a car so he’s got a part time job and he’s like dating and stuff.”
“Well that’s kinda good then.”
“True but it’s a recent change of events it doesn’t change the fact he was the biggest butt.”
M.J. snickers and giggles.
“What’s so funny?”
“Biggest butt.” And she brings up You Tube and starts playing *Big Butts* I can’t help it I had to start the song with me being one of the two girls and it’s like so cool that M.J. did to.
“Like oh-my-gawd Becky look at her butt.” We both did it at the same time which set us off laughing and we high five each other and we do silly happy chair dancing along to the song being like total spazzes.
I’m having girl fun.
And it’s awesome.
We actually spend time on You Tube showing each other some stuff that we like there that’s funny before we start looking through her movies and we end up putting in that Tom Cruise movie *Rock of Ages.*
It’s hackneyed but it’s supposed to be it’s meant to be a little spoofy but at the same time it’s got all these tunes that our parents grew up listening to and playing around us so we still kind of know the music and yeah we’re singing aloud and with some of them being as cheesy as the movie is and we don’t care either because it’s awesome.
And it’s one of the few musical movies I can stand. The other one being *Across the Universe.* But hey that’s The Beatles and who…
“Hey you have *Across the Universe*?”
“Uhm…I don’t but mom might?”
Mary Jane pulls me off the bed and drags me to her mom’s room and I’m in awe here too. This…it’s the bedroom of a single grown up adult female and it’s cool beyond words for me.
Actually it’s very mother like daughter in a way but yeah…bookcases with loads of books and sooo many hardcover’s and a platform bed that’s just like really cool and real paintings on the walls and a nice but still there home entertainment system with a stereo and flat screen TV and all the stuff for that plus a really big looking DVD collection.
Lots of stuff I’ve never seen and some of it is pretty adult and I think there’s even some porn there too but she’s a big collector of like boxed sets and TV shows and stuff actually a lot of her stuff seems to be on the edge of sci-fi and fantasy stuff but right there heavily into that whole romantic edgy stuff.
And some of it kind of looks interesting like this whole series called *Beauty and the Beast*…the beast guy looks like he’s like some kind of anthro or something and he actually has a name too….Vincent? Huh I didn’t know that The Beast had a name.
M.J. Finds the movie and we take it and we head back to her room and…
We run into Aunt Elsbeth in the hall way.
And me fully in girl mode.
Oh shit.
Masks Chapter 7
*Before…
“Hey you have *Across the Universe*?”
“Uhm…I don’t but mom might?”
Mary Jane pulls me off the bed and drags me to her mom’s room and I’m in awe here too. This…it’s the bedroom of a single grown up adult female and it’s cool beyond words for me.
M.J. Finds the movie and we take it and we head back to her room and…
We run into Aunt Elsbeth in the hall way.
And me fully in girl mode.
Oh shit.
*And Now…
I so totally get the deer in the headlights expression.
I was into this and just so relaxed and happy I totally dropped my guard and forgot to look out for…
“Steven?” She sounds shocked.
Like I’m not.
I backpedal, like literally backpedal but it’s hardwood floors and I’m in footie socks and I have no grip so I’m like spinning my wheels as it were and my brain is going. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!
“Aaaahh!”
Great because screaming like the Home Alone kid’ll help.
Plonk on my butt.
“Ow…..”
M.J. actually slips between me and Aunt Elsbeth.
“Mom…listen it’s nothing freaky it’s not what you think!”
Aunt Els looks at me then at her and she does that slip her arms together folding them under her breasts and does that side hip thing and raises an eyebrow.
“Oh and what do I think you two?”
“Steph's not being freaky we’re doing stuff for Halloween and she’s…she’s doing this so…”
Mary Jane’s grasping for the words.
Mine come out and they’re dry and weal like the leaves outside blowing around.
“We’re girlfriends Aunt Els.”
“Girlfriends?”
I just nod my throat getting tight.
Mary Jane looks at her pleadingly. “Mom please I brought the clothes down and gave them to her it’s not their fault I pushed her into it.”
I get up to stand beside her. “No, no you didn’t push me into anything M.J.”
(Sniffle.) “I did, I saw you and I was such a spazz in the boat garage and then you were so cool and I just…and the pinky swear and you calming me down and I just…Mom! I don’t have any friends!...I was just so….”
I wrap my arms around her in a hug. “Easy…chill…we’re good.”
Aunt Els had this look while looking at M.J. that looked a lot like I effed up look, that guilty parent look… and now she’s looking at me a different way and she shifts her arms from under her breasts to her back pockets….like wow…I mean both things just sort of conveyed this whole I’m and adult respect me and oh by the way I have magnificent boobs.
As one of the boob deficient it really is like super power impressive.
“You and Stephanie were just hanging out?”
“………………….” And that was both of us.
“Steph are you really okay with this?”
I blink several times and one of my fantasy responses of in case of situation things comes to mind.
“Why would I be okay? They’re clothes that girls wear usually sure…If here was something wrong with dressing like a girl then that’d mean that there’s something wrong with being a girl.”
I get the eyebrow a little higher. “Well there’s nothing wrong with being a girl but you’re…” She actually stops herself and stares at me because…I was sure that she was going to say that I was a boy…My head’s lowered a little.
Aunt Elsbeth looks at me. “You sure you’re okay with this?” Her voice is gentle and softly questioning.
“Y..yeah…it’s a…it’s a break from being me.”
“Okay then it’s all I need to know then.” She looks at the video. “Great movie, you two want to watch it while we make supper?”
“Uhm…okay…”
“I’ll let your mom know that you’re hanging out and I’ll be feeding you.”
“Uhm…okay…uhm…Aunt Els?”
“Yes Stephanie?”
Oh…oh…wow that was like…She’s an Adult…it was like getting this who thing like hey I see you there girl.
“Can we just kind of keep this here?”
She looks at me. “It’s okay I’ve got your back.”
“Th…thanks.”
“C’mon we’ll get supper started.”
We all head down and Mary Jane’s leaning on me then hugs me when we hit the second landing on the way down the stairs. “I thought we were so done.”
“Me too.”
“Mom can be pretty cool sometimes though.”
Aunt Elsbeth shouts as she goes into the kitchen ahead of us. “Oh course I’m cool!”
“Mom, you’re not cool if you think you’re cool!”
We laugh and I look at M.J. But I head into the kitchen without saying the thought that’s in my head…that just the way that Aunt Elsbeth had just been she knew…or maybe she suspects.
Definitely suspects.
My stomach is doing the flip flop twist thing were you know you were caught, they know they caught you but either they’re not sure what you did or how to punish you.
Or tell my parents.
I know she said that she wouldn’t but she’s an adult, family, a parent…will she really not say anything?
It’s a sort of “On tenter-hooks” few minutes as Aunt Els is on the phone already as we’re there and she has the fridge open and is taking stuff out and she’s taking to Mom.
I’m try not to overhear things but I’m not hearing her ratting me out.
“So, you warm the flour a little and the oil but not heat it up?”
“Oh it does, that then.”
“No, I don’t mind them being over hear and eating it’s just been the two of us here for a long time we love the company besides they and M.J. are getting along great.”
“Yes really. Actually they’re getting along awesomely, you raised a really stand up kid Nancy.”
“I’ll tell them, laters.”
Okay…I knew they were talking about me and I noticed her use gender neutral pronouns when she was talking about me.
“So…?”
“So you have to be home by nine, you have school tomorrow both of you.”
I notice M.J. Bite her lip and look nervous.
I reach over and take her hand giving it a squeeze. “Hey, it’ll be okay I’ll be there too.”
“I still hate it, my stomach will be in knots.”
“I’m a jock remember, I’ll press my social advantage.”
Aunt Els is looking at me her eyebrow raised. “Social advantage?”
I look at her and shrug. “You think jocks play just for the love of the game?”
“No but there’s doing it to be popular and then actually knowing about stuff like that.”
“I’ve read some psyche stuff.”
“Kinsey?” Intense look.
“Some but he’s kind of dated on the whole thing because it’s more like a four dimensional mode than a linear line in my opinion.”
“You’re thirteen you should be reading like…that’s heavy stuff y’know.”
I shrug. “Vested interest?”
She nods and M.J.’s just looking at us. “Kinsey the sexuality guy?”
Aunt Els is looking at her too suddenly. “And where did you hear about that?”
“Remember when we were in Lethbridge? They had a whole huge list of banned books at school. I read some of them. Besides books on sex mom…c’mon.”
Aunt Els is shaking her head. “So what’d you think, since you read it?”
M.J. shrugs. “I never even got close to getting through it, I thought there’d be sex in it but it was like way too dry.”
“Well he was a academic and it was kind of meant to be written like that.”
“You’re not mad at me for reading it?”
“Reading a banned book, goddess no. Read all you want except porn…you’re not legal for porn.”
“But I can write it though right?”
“Mary Jane!” She looks shocked but then she starts laughing as M.J. starts and I’m smiling and laughing a little bit too.
Smart conversation, laughing, Wicca? I mean Aunt Elsbeth mentioned the goddess and even though I’m not into that stuff there’s something about it that is…feels female to me. Like the house and all of this is pretty big to me and it’s a huge cultural change.
Then we’re making pizza. I recognize mom’s pizza dough recipe and it’s basically close to a focaccia bread dough but made even thinner on the pizza plates and she scores it a lot with a fork then she tosses them in the oven.
We make two one with red sauce and cheese and pepperoni and the other one with pan stir fried broccoli, spinach, mushrooms and slivered green beans with white sauce which is this alfredo pasta sauce from a jar.
Aunt Els has this really great mozzarella too that stuff that comes in a ball and she cuts slices of it to go on the pizza’s instead of grinding it and the real parme that you grate instead of the stuff from the plastic jar that you get in the store.
Soda water agave lemonade…
And we watch *Across the universe* together singing along with it while we eat and we just chill out. No more sex and gender stuff…she just treats me like me the rest of the night until I have to go home.
I had so much fun.
I love the songs, I really do love music and the three of us singing *A little help from my friends.* Was fun and I loved the whole trippy thing with *Come Together* and M.J. and I cry with the riots and the funeral and the gospel singing of *Let it be*
It was over far too soon though and it was late enough so…
I take my clothes and head to the bathroom and it hurts. It hurts to take off the things I’m wearing because It’s…it’s like watching myself disappearing and fading away and seeing Steven there again.
It’s not me looking at me in the mirror all over again.
Like that show *Quantum leap.* (Dad watches it on satellite.) I’ve just jumped out of the real me.
My boy clothes feel like they’re so heavy…they really aren’t but it’s like that oppressive heavy emotional thing.
It’s so hard not to cry right now.
Okay I am crying, there’s some tears sliding off my cheeks to the floor as I wrestle with getting the Steven mask in place.
And it’s like one of those scary drama movies as I stuff my soul into an oil drum as it were and ignore the cries that part of me is making as I hammer the lip on her…only it’s me too so I can feel that light I was allowed to step into go black on me and there’s part of me inside that lets out this scared little strangled….. ~No….~
I head out and Aunt Els is looking at me leaning on the wall in the hallway.
“You going to be okay?”
“Probably not.”
She slips over and she hugs me and I hug her back.
(Sniffle.) “Why me Aunt Els?”
“I don’t know kiddo, no one really does yet.”
“Don’t tell them.”
“I can’t, It’s your stuff to tell but I’ll be here for you to help.”
“You don’t hate me?”
“Never Steph, never.”
She called me Steph even like this…
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome honey…You’re my niece I love you.”
I squeeze her really hard and she does back. One of those hugs that gets right there inside of you right where you usually don’t get hugged but need it the most in.
I head home and it does really suck going back to being Steven but this time…this time it’s different.
The real me that girl sealed away in that drum curled up in the dark.
She got hugged, told she was loved.
And inside my dark place that’s like me suddenly having someone give me this emergency candle and I have a little bit of light there in this dark place.
Candles can be amazing right?
Masks Chapter 8
*Before…
“You’re welcome honey…You’re my niece I love you.”
I squeeze her really hard and she does back. One of those hugs that gets right there inside of you right where you usually don’t get hugged but need it the most in.
I head home and it does really suck going back to being Steven but this time…this time it’s different.
The real me that girl sealed away in that drum curled up in the dark.
She got hugged, told she was loved.
And inside my dark place that’s like me suddenly having someone give me this emergency candle and I have a little bit of light there in this dark place.
Candles can be amazing right?
*And Now…
It is the thing that kept me going through the walk home through the dark and taking the shortcuts through the yards and shrubbery and stuff until I got home and even as rough as ending this Cinderella in sweat pants night was I smile at the house.
It’s all Halloween stuff but Dad has the stuff out and the house done up like most people do Christmas and this isn’t even close to what we’ll have up on the actual night.
But the hanging jack o lantern lights from the porch welcome me home as well as the three or four real candle lit ones he puts out as soon as pumpkins go on sale. They start going funky he just makes new ones.
You can smell the candles, Mom’s thing I think she put spice scented candles in them Instead of the regular ones.
It actually matches the smell of the house too.
All that pumpkin and mom’s usually making something pumpkiny to use the stuff up. There’s just something really nice about it actually.
And that light inside really helped.
Sometimes you just need the little lest thing to hang onto.
Mom’s actually in the kitchen and Dad’s in the den watching TV and shelling pumpkin seeds that they’ve roasted off.
Billy and Bobby I can here upstairs through the clank of weights in their room and their rap music and the banging and crashing. I sigh looking up as I take off my sneakers. They’re so noisy.
But they’re guys.
But I swear testosterone makes you deaf.
I hang up my coat and slip into the den to see what Dad’s watching and it’s a home building show on Halloween stuff and I sit on the arm of the couch and eat some pumpkin seeds and Dad moves just enough so my butt slips off the arm of the couch in beside him.
He did that on purpose.
He can frustrate the heck outta me but he’s a really sweet guy most of the time. He sets the bowl of unopened seeds in between our two legs and I help him shell them.
“Very cool today with Mary Jane.”
“Huh?”
“I saw the pinky swear.”
“Dad…It’s…”
“It’s a seriously cool think you did Steven. M.J. was into the wrong crowd with the divorce and everything and she was drinking and stuff.”
“Drugs?”
“Yeah…she actually almost O.D.’d going to some party for older kids.”
“Because she can pass for older.” Oh M.J. I can so see where that might have went. “That’s why they moved here?”
“Yeah, family and a fresh start and stuff.”
“Dad?”
“You okay with this…this girlfriends thing?”
“It’s brave and it shows so much heart. That’s what being a man’s about.”
And spiraling crash as I was just another sentence or two from telling him.
So close it hurts.
I pop a handful of seeds to chew my frustration.
Being a man…Yick.
“You okay sport?”
“Yeah.” No…but…sport…
“I mean with the dressing up thing with your cousin M.J.?”
Hmmm….maybe?
“I think with practice we could likely place in the contest.”
“Practice?”
“Dad, I so don’t want to look like some guy in drag. I want to have people go like holy shit if we place or win.”
“Yeah that whole freaking them out thing is really awesome.”
Oh..? I could freak you out dad.
“So I might need to buy some more things for our costumes and stuff plus like I said practice.”
“Fine by me, maybe you can ask your mom for like help with the whole girl stuff.”
“…………………..”
He leans back and yells to the kitchen. “Hon? Can you come here a sec? Oh can I have another beer?”
Mom comes in and she has a beer for him and she sits on the arm of the couch (the other one.) and she starts to drink said beer in front of him. “What’s up?”
“Steve here’s going to partner up with Mary Jane and go as a girl with her this year.”
“Oh so that’s why the wig.”
“…………………….” That’s me by the way.
They’re both looking at me.
I blink trying to get unshocked. “I…I might need a little help Mom.”
“A little? Okay are you serious about this? You might not know it by looking at her but Mary Jane’s a bit messed up.”
“He knows. I told him.” Dad says.
I nod. “We’re actually kind of girlfriends now mom.”
“Oh?” She takes a few more sips before giving the last half the bottle to dad finally.
Okay I love the way he smiles at her for doing that and the fact that she sort of somehow made it better for him by drinking from it.
It hits me right in my girlaoblongata.
“She was freaking out mom. I had the wig on and was setting stuff up in the boat garage when she was reminded of this girl she knew and we sort of freaked both the talked and she was just so hurt and lonely and stuff so I pinky swore to be girlfriends with her.”
“Pinky swore.”
“Uhm…yeah?”
“You know that’s like a blood oath in girlese right.”
I know, I speak female.
“I know.”
“Your Aunt called me and told me she was really proud of the kid I raised.”
“I know.”
“Y’know she loves all you guys right?”
“Yeah I know.” I can’t help but to smile at that and the understanding and send off Aunt Elsbeth gave me.
“Well she’s never said anything like that about your brothers.”
“Oh…?”
Dad’s grinning. “Yeah my little sister can be sparing with the praise sometimes but she’s al heart…that’s why she tells it like it is sport.” He ruffles my hair and just…
I shoot mom this pleading look.
“Rob, if we’re going to do this we’re going to have to do it too.”
“How so?”
“You don’t call girls the names you call the boys and you ever, ever mess with the hair.”
I nod. “That’ll get you shanked with a nail file.”
Dad winces and mom snickers and she looks at me with this. Oh my god that was funny look. It feels kind of nice to surprise her and we sort of share a smile.
“You know that this won’t be easy if you want to have the Ohmigod effect.”
“I know.”
“You think you can handle this it’ll mean Girlimersion stuff like after school and hanging over with M.J.”
“Definitely. I can hang with her we actually get along more than my brothers actually.”
“Yeah, well good you might learn something, I might have missed in trying to teach the other three.”
“Two and two is four?”
“Stephanie…”
ZOMG!!! She, my mom used My real name!
Snarkasm to keep from bawling right there and then.
“Which way did he go George, Which way did he go?”
Score!
Dad nose shoots beer.
Mom and I have our second laugh together, our second sort of mother daughter laugh together.
“You’ve definitely picked something up tonight at least, come on and you can give me a hand in the kitchen for awhile.”
“S…sure?”
“Oh c’mon you wanted to learn and there‘s more to just being a girl than looks and clothes. Come and spend some time with me. An hour.”
I think Mom didn’t get my yayness over the surprise of it. I follow her in and she’s making pumpkin candy and brittle.
The candy is chunks of pumpkin big ones that are spiced and stuff. I help by taking the chunks from the steamer and set them on a cookie sheet to cool.
Mom smiles. “So how’d you like your cousin?”
“M.J.’s great but I didn’t know about the other stuff with her O.D.ing and stuff.”
“There’s other stuff?”
“We talked about her and puberty hitting her with the super bingo bonus and how all of that is scary.”
“It is actually…you hit puberty as a girl and things drastically swing and change for us and suddenly you’re thrust into this semi-adulthood status sometimes and you’re not eve close to being ready for it.”
“You sound like you get that Mom.”
“Most girls get that honey, some can cope others can’t it leads to a whole lot of stuff.”
“Like?”
“Partying, sex all sorts of stuff that comes from attention you’re not used to having.”
“She said she had friends that really changed. I think it hurt her when they did.”
“It happens, it happens a lot and honesty if you’re pretty you fall into that trap really fast.”
“Mom?”
“I went over board when I was a teenager and did stuff I hope you kids never get mixed up with and I could’ve turned out differently except for one thing.”
“What was that?”
“Me marrying your dad.”
“Huh?”
“My dad was my friend I was daddy’s little girl and we did everything together but I got my period and my curves and that changed…suddenly I was a GIRL and he wasn’t allowed to be the same guy with me.”
“He was guyboden.”
“Guyboden?” She has her head tilted and looking at me oddly.
“Yeah…y’know…no crying, show tough emotions, no being girly or femmy, no liking unmanly things. Y’know stuff that’d violate your man-card.”
She saps her hand over her mouth in that surprised way.
“Where’d you come up with that?”
“Internets, I’m very good at the internets.”
“You’re thirteen…”
“Going on thirty. If it’s any help mum he might have hated it.”
“Hated what?”
“The Guybodeness, but the rules are the rules and people don’t like people that don’t play buy the rules.”
She nods then sort of frowns. “Yeah…I can see him sort of trying back then.”
“But he just wasn’t allowed to…it’s something they didn’t do back then.”
“Yeah…It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with your dad y’know. He’s been that guy, the one that isn’t afraid to love. He never gave up either, we got into trouble and I was young and pregnant with your older brother and home…well home being a pregnant teen meant you were pretty much going to be that all your life. We got that from both sides and we left home to come out here and put ourselves through school…but honestly we had to really fight to get out of that.”
Now she’s sniffling a little.
This is mother daughter talking…I’ve wanted this for so long.
But doing something for Halloween and helping family is a whole, hugely different thing than finding out your trophy winning boy-jock of a son is really not.
I’ll take this though.
I have to take this choice before I get hairy, and my voice cracks and things get worse. This will either make it my way to survive that or it’ll hurt even worse.
I step over to her and one armed hug her. She looks surprised. “Thanks honey.”
“You’re welcome it felt like a girl talk thing to do.”
She gets that look it her eyes sort of like M.J. had when I offered the girlfriends bit up to her. Aunt Els just got here and Mom’s not close to her side of the family and they’re back east so she’s been the sole woman of the house for a long time.
She hugs me back.
“This is actually kid of cool y’know?”
“It is and there’s a bonus.”
“Oh?”
“I get to learn other stuff from you too like this.”
“You want to learn this stuff?”
“Heck yeah, I really like the stuff you come up with.”
“You do?”
“Yeah I do mom it’s always cool when you do this stuff and it’s a lot of work with the things you make and it strikes me over and over that this stuff’s all kinds of amazing and not just oh mom made it because that’s what girls do.”
She’s staring at me. “Really?”
“Yeah, I can see all the stuff in the kitchen here mom this is a production.”
She hugs me. (Sniffle) “You’re a good kid.”
“Thanks mom.”
Call me Steph again, please call me Steph again…please.
We hug awhile and I tear off some paper towel and give it to her to dry her eyes with. She shyly looks at me while drying her eyes.
“Okay, lets get this done and then we can get ready for bed.”
“Cool what’s next?”
The steam cooked pumpkin has cooled and dried and we make her candies with them. It’s basically making syrups and soaking them in it so they draw some of it in and we put the cooked coated bits on parchment paper sprayed with some cooking spray and into the oven on it’s warm/lowest setting but turning the convection on they’ll go all night and candy like in a dehydrator.
One is pumpkin with brown sugar and pumpkin pie spices.
Another is brown sugar, butte and pecans like a pumpkin praline.
Pineapple syrup with some orange zest.
Maple syrup with salt and crushed pepper corns and that Italian ham for like melon’s.
“These for your party?”
“Both if you think the kids will eat them.”
“Maybe can I take some to school, get kids drooling over them.”
“Sure.”
We make the brittle because that’ll get handed out too every year and that’s juiced pumpkin liquid and sugar and pumpkin pie spices but with the toasted pumpkin seeds and some sunflower seeds and some chili flakes. That’ll just go in the freezer on a cookie sheet too until it’s ready to be shattered.
“Hey mom?”
“Yes honey?”
“We can grate this stuff and powder it and use it to dust popcorn too right?”
“Oh good idea, we’ll have to try that too.”
I help her wash the dishes and put everything away and then it’s like ten thirty.
“Time for bed kiddo.”
“Okay Mom. Thanks for not freaking out about this stuff with me and M.J.”
“It’s okay honey, I’m so proud of you it’s really brave for you to do this.”
We hug again and I head upstairs to my room.
Brave…?
No Mum If I was really brave I could tell you all who I really am.
And it feels like Stephanie’s little candle was guttering in the dark right now.
I get dressed without looking at myself and slip into bed and pull one of my pillows down from my head like a reflex.
I hug it tight because It hurts.
I just can’t bring myself to turn off the light at my bedside.
Just can’t.
Masks Chapter 9
*Before…
Brave…?
No Mum If I was really brave I could tell you all who I really am.
And it feels like Stephanie’s little candle was guttering in the dark right now.
I get dressed without looking at myself and slip into bed and pull one of my pillows down from my head like a reflex.
I hug it tight because It hurts.
I just can’t bring myself to turn off the light at my bedside.
Just can’t.
*And Now…
I usually can’t remember my dreams.
Sometimes I don’t want to.
But something stuck from yesterday, from last night and you ever see *The Never Ending Story*?
It’s that part of the end of the movie only The Childlike Empress is me…Stephanie and Bastion is the other me….Steven.
Trying hard to make her dreams come to life and let me come to life.
That’s the dream.
I slip out of bed and rub at my face and dig the eye gunk out.
Yick.
Soooo not going into nursing the human body is really full of yick.
It’s pretty early and I look around my room the light’s still on which is good since its dark right now still and daylight savings time hasn’t kicked in yet.
My room…sigh… well it’s still more disguise that anything that I would really want. Not that I’d want a pink frilly room with lace and frills and look like someone moved Strawberry frigging shortcake in there.
Oh…Oh well oh…
Maybe.
Anyway’s my room is this blue slate sort of color that I like actually though if I had my choice of paint for my room I’d go with something else just to be me and not boy me. I’d like to really if I could though where dad builds stuff all the time have the walls tore off or rather the sheet rock and have like white pine or something for my walls lightly varnished and something darker or stained around all of my windows for like this maybe sort of cabin look.
I have a nice closet actually with the louvered doors I’d just like a girls closet with like a shoe rack in it and a full length mirror on the door.
I want to get rid of my carpet in here and have something new.
But mostly I just want my stuff in here to be my stuff and not my stuff camouflaged in with other stuff.
I want stuffies; girls get to keep their stuffies.
It’s kind of typical and there’s some sports stuff up there on the walls like some posters and some posters of girls too. Nothing nude because well mom won’t allow it but women that are sort of like represent stuff that I like about women.
I have a magazine poster of Fallon Fox that’s gone un-noticed by my siblings. She’s kind of awesome even if I’m not into the whole fighting thing.
Then there’s my models of planes and cars from when I was younger and into that stuff and some of my star wars toys. When the new movies came out Dad was all happy and stuff and getting star wars toys was no problem even the girl ones.
I look at my wall of trophies. I’m actually pretty good at hockey and I’ve been playing a long time since like the Timbits teams.
Okay some people might not get that Timbits are this doughnut hole from a chain here in Canada and the teams are the little kids, like as young as like first grade and stuff. Hence Timbits we’re small.
Actually that was my first indication something was wrong.
Instead of getting a fluffy skirt and a leotard and going into figure skating like the other girls here I was playing hockey.
And I’m like I said good enough, when you’re playing hard enough to distract yourself from everything that feels wrong in your life you get some pretty amazing focus.
I’m no Sid the Kid but I’m lean and I’m fast and fast can get goals too and it can get the puck back.
Actually chasing and intercepting the puck are two of the things that I’m best at.
It’s so messed up that I want to be proud of it but not at the same time.
I would really love to know if all the stuff that I do in my life as Steven is going to feel this confused and this hollow.
Anyone?
I sigh and I get up and I go and take a shower before the others do.
Scratch that; I want my own bathroom too in my girl bedroom.
Mom and Dad of course have their own bathroom and it’d be great except for the fact that Dad shares it too. And as someone that has spent time in the boat garage with him she is a far braver woman than I am.
I open my shaving kit though and while I’m not shaving I am trying a few things.
Lotion and a face cloth with some Veet on it and I go over myself and de-hair the few that I have. Struggling to grow out of my face and anywhere else. I’m not that hairy yet and I will fight this tooth and nail.
I wash all of that away and then I rinse off with some guy soap I use Nivea for men shower stuff because it’s like the most gender neutral and sort of smelling stuff that I can get without going really high end.
My hair is shortish but still I take really good care of it because someday…someday I’ll be able to grow it out.
Actually two years maybe three…Billy and Bobby might be graduated by then and out of my business and I’d have two years of getting things more or less to myself.
Sigh that’d be so nice.
I get out and sigh and face the damned mirror again and I do try a few little things. Face scrub and anti acne regimen and I use lotion again Nivea but this time they have this lotion/aftershave for sensitive skin. And I have some Aveeno the scentless oatmeal stuff for my body.
I even check my nose hairs and my eyebrows…those get a little tweeze. Not overboard, gawd okay I’m a girl but if at any time I have to draw my eyebrows on and it’s not because of my brothers or a drunken college roommate’s thing then please beat me hard.
That being said it doesn’t hurt to neaten them up.
My last line of guyoflage is to whip out the can of that wretched axe body spray and let off a long burst of it in the bathroom that way they don’t smell the Veet.
I get dressed and I go for my black cargo pants and I pull on a thin yet tight long sleeved black sweater-tee and a school hoody and my hockey jacket and then socks and sneakers…my chunky watch which I actually like…I like guy’s watches even on girls and mine it really nice a present from my Dad’s brother Uncle Roger who lives in Alberta.
We don’t see him much but he sends really nice stuff and even like things he hunted or fished. I’m not squeamish of fussy. I’ll eat wild game and stuff I think trying different foods is actually a smart thing, if I try it and don’t like it that’s another thing.
I get my binders and my smartphone and stuff and put it into my shoulder bag.
It’s a big laptop business bag and as close to a purse as I’ll likely ever have and I check all my stuff to take with me. I keep tissues and wipe packets from like KFC and a stain pen just in case and adhesive bandages…gum. It’s really not much but it’s as close as I can come really.
I head down stairs and I get some breakfast and that for me is in the morning is an omelet. Two eggs and instead of milk some cottage cheese salt and pepper and I whip them together and on a thin glass plate I pour them out and microwave it.
I microwave it so I can roll it off the plate and into a fajita bread with some baby spinach and some sprouts and that’s breakfast except this morning I make two and I get some of the stuff mom and I made last night and take a couple of Becel containers and get some samples of each.
The thunder of hooves says the my brothers are up and I make coffee and get my water bottle and clip it to my bag and I have a matching small thermos and I pour some coffee into that and snag an extra coffee mug and stash it in my bag. I pour myself a cup and make some lunch. It’s just tuna fish sandwiches but I use just a little mayo and some pepper it has enough salt from the packaging and I dice a little celery into it for crunch and mine has some diced cucumber too, just enough so give it that semi sweet fresh cuke thing but not to make it not taste like tuna. Whole wheat and some bib lettuce and I’m done.
Oh here’s a tip I got from TV leaf or bib lettuce on a sandwich will keep the filling from making the bread too soggy and gross.
I’d make something for Mom and Dad but between mark and Billy and Bobby they wouldn’t leave them enough. I do reload the coffee perk before I go and I head out early for school just enough really to meet Mary Jane at her house and have enough time hopefully to get to the bus stop.
We’re too far to walk to school and I could have biked it but the I wouldn’t be there for M.J. for her first day of classes. Thankfully we’re in middle school so we take the city bus and not the other busses.
I hated those busses.
There were a lot of jerks on them because the drivers weren’t allowed to do stuff. City bus drivers you don’t mess with or they’ll pull over and put you off and maybe even ban you if you’re really a jerk that’s causing problems.
And there’s other people on the bus so witnesses cut down on the being a dick factor.
No my folks don’t drive me to school even with the hockey jacket. Dad doesn’t work near the school and mom works mostly at home.
And there’s no way I’d drive with Mark.
Even if he would gawd the aftershave he wears alone would kill me.
Yeah that bad, think sixteen year old with cologne.
Yick.
I head over and the prospect of seeing Aunt Elsbeth and M.J. cheers me up a lot from the usual morning blahs and it doesn’t take too long to get over there and Aunt Els’s car is gone already.
She must have a job, I hadn’t heard that yet but to be honest I really wasn’t paying that much attention to stuff with her before recently and I go and ring the doorbell and M.J. comes to the door and she’s got a piece of toast in her mouth and one foot in one boot and trying to get her foot in the other one.
“Morning.”
“Mmmrph!”
“Okay, here jeeze sit and do that.”
I guide her to the hallway steps and she sits and tugs on her other boot.
Nice boots, reddish brown leather and a two inch wedge heel and calf high and they go really great with her outfit which is these floral print jeggings so they sort of look like grey denim with flowers printed all over them and a skirt and she has a sweater on that really…well it does the sweater thing with her boobs.
“Wow, you look awesome.”
“Not too much?”
“A little but it’s your first day so yeah you want to look kind of smashing.”
“Smashing? Are you British?”
“Smashing is a perfectly acceptable term. It’s so much better than that whole Hawt.”
“What’s wrong with hot?”
“Kinda over used for me.”
“So I look alright then?”
“Yesh, jeeze and as my official opinion as your girlfriend. I’m jealous.”
She smiles. “Thanks Steph.”
“Hey it’s true.”
And it is, I actually love the way that she looks and while part of me is all girly-yayness over her looking that awesome there’s a part of me that feels both the jealous sting of wanting that too and the whole feeling of drab…and heavy and frumpy.
Boy-yick.
Though her calling me by my real name helped some this morning.
“I brought breakfast.”
“I ate.”
“Yeah I should’ve called.”
“Whatcha make me?”
“Breakfast fajita.”
“Okay gimme.”
“Manners woman!”
I’m smiling and I dig it out and she takes it and eats. “Mmm…good…kinda different, do I want to know what’s in here?”
“Probably not.”
She wolfs it down and I smile and she’s doing that and she’s getting all of her stuff together and finishes it all off by getting her oversized leather jacket on and it does look really good.
“Ready?” I ask her.
“No, but I really don’t have a choice right?”
“Not unless you want to quit school and be a trailer park girl.”
“Eeew no thanks.”
She locks up and we start walking and talking on our way to the bus stop.
“Hey I thought of something for our costumes.”
“Something Halloweeny for our roller derby stuff?”
“Well not like witches and zombies Halloweeny but more like cutesy and yet so totally not.”
“Cutesy and not?”
“Yeah you can be Strawberry Shortcake.”
“What…..?”
“You know that old doll thing with the cartoon?”
“I know who she is I’m a redhead I have one of the stuffed dolls as a present.”
“Cool!”
“Steph how is me being her cool?”
“Okay now think about her but like she was our age and street enough to be in a roller derby team.”
“Okay so like…?”
“We change the look to be her but tougher and way more cute with like that whole roller derby girl look.”
“Hey…that might work and what about you?”
“I’m going to be Rainbow Brite.”
She looked at me and her eyes went wide. “Oh my goddess…Rainbow Raver Chick!”
She starts laughing and I’m laughing too. “Yeah and Strawberry Hurtcake!”
We’re laughing all the way to the bus stop and we stop when we get there and we’re getting looks from the laughter and from the other kids that know that this isn’t my usual bus.
I know a few and I start making introductions and M.J.’s shy at first but opens up when I catch Ricky Simmons staring blatantly at her boobs and I reach over and tilt his head up with a hand under his chin.
“Dude you’re staring, uncool.”
He get’s embarrassed and the girls sort of look at him with a uh-huh booblooker stare and M.J. get’s red too but that sort of helps them have this whole girl thing.
Some of us start to talk and get onto the bus and I’m sort of semi on the fringe of the conversation with the whole girl thing as they are chatting as we head to school.
It’s mostly M.J. giving them the sort of who she is and where she’s from mixed with not having a boyfriend and what kind of music she’s into and her outfit and their outfits and guys and boobs and staring.
And yes all at once.
And yes I’m following all of it.
Learning girlese is not that hard. Take each girl and she will have her topic that she wants to talk about and she will and then add it that all the other girls are doing the same thing plus all of them are keeping up with the stuff that the others are saying too.
See…easy, like keeping track of threads of stuff from each thread online and commenting in each one of them and keeping track.
The only other thing is the language of the emotional content.
But as much as this is totally not losing me I’m being left behind in it.
I’m a guy.
No…I just look like a guy.
But it’s enough that they aren’t really talking to me like their talking to each other.
Sigh.
M.J. looks at me though and I use my mask smile and I mention how cool her room is and not the geekette stuff I’ll leave that to her but the cool bed and closet and the way her windows come out over the back porch so you can actually slip out of them and sit and stuff.
She smiles and mouths a thank you.
I smile back and try not to show the way I’m really feeling about being left out.
I’m looking out the window when I hear M.J. say. “You know Steven here said that he’d help me meet people here so I wouldn’t have to run the new girl gauntlet. I mean that’s why he’s kind of only mentioned the cool stuff but not actually how cool he’s been to me.”
I blush. “M.J. its okay we’re friends.”
“Exactly and it’s not cool that we’re not including you in the conversation.”
I do that it doesn’t matter shrug. “It’s okay; I mean it’s not like I can really just comment on all this girl stuff right?”
The girls on the bus and she’s looking at me. Mary Jane shakes her head. “Wrong. C’mon I actually like hearing your take on stuff.”
“Uhm okay…” I look at Becky Truman. “I honestly agree we should actually have a Halloween costume dance at the school too, I mean the high school kids are doing it and I think that’d be cool.”
“Really?” She asks.
“Yeah really I’d like to go to a dance at school.”
M.J. chirps in with. “Steven’s actually having a Halloween party and a dance at his place in the boat garage and it is looking pretty cool.”
Then we’re into it and we’re talking the dance and the party and the fact I don’t have the invites done yet and even talking costumes and stuff…including clothes and I preface each of those comments with ‘Honestly?’ just so I’m looking like I’m offering up my opinion. Music is easier, I can admit to liking female singers with a whole less bias and comment on the stuff that I like too.
My favorite bands and performers of the moment are….
Avril Lavigne.
Jessie J.
Pink
Christina Aguilera
No Doubt
Headley
Brett Michaels…yeah the guy from Poison but his solo stuff is really good.
Lumineers…I love, love, love Hey-ho.
I even really admit that I’m a sucker for old tunes and especially old ballads and stuff there is just something that old rock has.
I’ll confess that I want to be that girl that these guys are singing about. I don’t say it out loud but I would love to be the girl getting sung to and just like holding myself in a happy hug while someone is playing something sweet to me.
I hold back on going full on girl with them and yet…yet I’m actually being included now thanks to M.J. and partway through the bus ride we end up lacing our fingers together and squeeze each others hand once in awhile.
It’s the best morning I’ve had in a long time going to school…maybe ever.
She looks at me and smiles and adjusts her hand and we hook pinkies together all the way until we get to the bus stop at school.
I can’t stop smiling.
Masks Chapter 10
*Before…
I’ll confess that I want to be that girl that these guys are singing about. I don’t say it out loud but I would love to be the girl getting sung to and just like holding myself in a happy hug while someone is playing something sweet to me.
I hold back on going full on girl with them and yet…yet I’m actually being included now thanks to M.J. and partway through the bus ride we end up lacing our fingers together and squeeze each others hand once in awhile.
It’s the best morning I’ve had in a long time going to school…maybe ever.
She looks at me and smiles and adjusts her hand and we hook pinkies together all the way until we get to the bus stop at school.
I can’t stop smiling.
*And Now…
For one of the first times that I can remember I get off the bus and I’m having some actual fun instead of steeling myself for all the stuff that I usually trudge through. We all sort of congregate in the hall by the lockers getting stuff and putting other stuff away we don’t need between classes and M.J.’s putting her text books in except for the ones for the first two classes and I take out my thermos and the extra cup and pour her a coffee and refill mine.
She sniffs a few times and looks at me. “Ohmigawd is that coffee?”
“Yep.”
“Oh you are an angel.” She takes the cup in both hands and sips the coffee and sighs and some of the other girls look jealous of that.
Middle school…no coffee or tea for anyone but the teachers and what you might bring in. heck you can’t even but energy drinks here.
Okay actually I agree with that.
I play a serious school sport and that crap is medical problems in a can. I know of a lot of kids that have gotten messed up by drinking a couple of say like Red bull’s and then like playing basket ball and then the ambulance is getting called because their hearts are beating out of their chests.
And those energy pills and stuff is just as bad.
They’ll let you bring coffee in but not too much. I know a kid that brought a large bottle of instant coffee and it was confiscated. A small bottle they don’t care about or if you bring in like Starbucks or Tim’s.
But as a rule not everyone brings coffee.
And that’s why some people are looking at M.J. with this look of longing over her coffee.
But there’s some other looks too.
It’s pretty easy to see the guy’s reactions…not I’m not looking there…just Yick but she’s definitely and literally turning heads.
And that’s so not going over well with Liz Jackson…she’s good looking and she knows it and she’s one of those girls that…well you ever seen *Mean Girls* Yeah her and her friends are The Plastics.
She’s called Elizabitch for a reason.
And nope I don’t like her.
She treats people like garbage she has since the third grade and her parents got this bunch of money and her dad some big bank job and suddenly she was better than everyone else and as she’s gotten older she’s only gotten worse.
She doesn’t like me either.
Last year I scored a lot of goals and I won MVP mostly for passing…like I’ve said I’m fast on my blades so I puck chase really well and I can often get to where I can pass it to someone who’s a better shot than me. I did really well last year and because of that I’m pretty jock popular and honestly even with four kids my family isn’t hurting for money either.
Which led Liz to come at me and wanted us to go out. She kept trying for like two weeks and she was so sickeningly sweet to me while she was still a complete raging bitch to other people I said no.
Well it was more to the point of….
“I’d rather seven rabid squirrels down my jock.”
Turns out no one had really said no to her that way and she goes from hating me sometimes to actually sort of scared of what I might say next.
That actually kind of worked for me.
But I see her looking Mary Jane up and down and taking her all it and she’s scowling. I can see her whispering to her suction cup lipped friends and I slip in front of M.J.
“Hey, those three by the water fountain watch out for them.”
“Why?”
“The blonde with the nose job? She thinks she’s the queen bee here and she’s been checking you out like you owe her money and spent it on that outfit.”
“Fuck…man…” She sounds tired and frustrated.
“And she doesn’t like me.”
“Why what did you do to her?”
“I didn’t want to go out with her.”
“Why she’s pretty.”
“Not…on the inside.”
“Oh…so…”
“So something about rabid squirrels down my jock might have been mentioned as a viable alternative.”
Mary Jane burst out laughing and I can’t help but to grin a little but Liz is less than enthused.
She leaves pulling her clique along in her wake.
I look at some of the girls we were talking to. “Looks like Liz might just have put M.J. on her hit list…can you girls look out for her?”
I give them my puppy dog eyes.
Yes I’ve practiced the look in the mirror but as me, me as a girl. Though it looks kind of sort of cute on boy-me I think.
I get a few okay’s and some aaaaws.
Okay that makes me blush a little which is bad for me but good for Mary Jane since it too is something that the girls seem to like me doing.
It’s kind of scary uncomfortable in a way.
I don’t want to be this cute as a boy.
But it’s M.J. so it’s important.
She looks at me and hugs me when the bell rings. “Thanks Steph…” she whispers into my ear.
Okay…kind of worth it for that.
Classes are classes and first break rolls around and I meet up with M.J. and the girls and they’re just coming out of the bathroom and I see Liz with a cup of Starbucks.
Yeah she actually has that kind of cash that she calls a cab to pick up her coffee order for her and all of her friends.
And I have a peter parker moment and there was just this look in Liz’s eye and I take a few quick steps and one of her ‘Friends’ bumps her ‘Accidentally’ and sends her coffee flying and it would’ve splashed M.J.
Instead it got me instead.
“Ow….Ow shit hot, hot, hot!”
She looks pissed then fake mortified. “Ohmigawd Steve I’m like sooo sorry it was totally an accident!”
“Yeah…sure…” I could say a whole lot of things but I…I’m going to be the bigger woman here between us. “That’s alright accidents happen.”
I’m pulling out my shirt from my chest and wow that hurt.
One of the teachers comes over. “What happened?”
Mary Jane looks livid. “That…” I shoot her a look and she shuts up. “She spilled her coffee on Steven.”
“Are you okay Steven?”
“Yeah…it was hot but I’m not burned…it’s just getting gross though.”
Yeah it was one of those Macchiato things with all the extras. I’m sure she ordered that so she’d be sure that she’s wreck M. J.’s outfit.
The teacher gives us all a look and she turns to Liz’s friends and she takes the whole tray of coffees from Beth I think her name is. “Okay accidents are one thing but we’re going to the principal’s office.”
“Why!?” Liz demands.
“Just for this reason there’s a limit to hot beverages here in school, maybe we should have a talk on how it’s not really appropriate for you to order things to be brought into school like this.”
“But…but…”
“And you can explain why there’s three of you and a spilled coffee all over Steven here and still three coffees on the tray?”
Liz is gobbling air as she’s trying to come up with a plan or an excuse where she obviously didn’t think of one. Yeah smart and planning isn’t really her deal half the time.
“Mrs. London?”
“Yes Steven?”
“Can’t we just let this go?”
“No I should take this to the office.”
“It was an accident they happen and if there’s a hot beverage policy that’ll ban hot chocolate too and they sell that at the cafeteria and sometimes it’s nice if we could order stuff in if we pool our money together.”
She’s looking at me. “Steven…you know that…”
“I’m the one wearing the coffee c’mon.”
She looks at me and she looks at Liz. “Okay but this is against my better judgement. I’m still confiscating these.”
She shoots all of us a look and she heads off to the office where I’m sure this might get talked about and stuff.
Me?
I look at Liz and I walk over to her. “Listen I know what you were trying to do and why the hell would you even bother? What did Mary Jane even do to you?”
You ever see someone get caught for being an asshole with no actual credible reason?
“Get out of my face Steve.”
“No it’s Steven not Steve…tell me why’d you do it?”
“It was an accident.”
“That’s bullshit and you three were caught red handed and Mrs. London knew exactly what you did.”
“I didn’t!”
“Bullshit Liz, you’re just being mean because you think you can.”
“Well she shouldn’t come in here like she owns the place!”
She shoots M.J. this pissy look and it’s mirrored with nods from the other two. M.J. has tears suddenly running down her face and she takes off running.
I… “Fuck…” I look at Liz. “You owe me, no more of this bullshit you leave her alone you have no idea what the hell you just did!” I run off after Mary Jane and I never thought that me not having boobs would be a good thing but M.J. isn’t wearing a sports bra and she’s not into sports so I catch up with her by the time she pushes through the doors at the end of the hall.
“Hey! Hey stop.” I grab her by the wrist.
“Let me go! let me go! I should’ve known it wasn’t going to change!”
“What you thought this was such a magical place that people like her wouldn’t happen?”
(Sniffle.) “No…I…I…I just wanted this time to be different. I just…I’m tired Steph! I just want to have a normal life, friends and not this!”
“I get that, I do it’s just sometimes…life sucks.”
“No, you don’t! How could you get it!? I’m scared Steph, I’m scared of school and people and all of this stuff!”
“I’m scared to, I do get it!”
“Really! How?”
“I’m a girl.”
“What?”
I said it. I actually said it and…and oh shit I said it without looking around to see if anyone is around us.
Thankfully no.
“I’m a girl.”
I feel like I’m going to throw up.
Shouldn’t this be easier on me now that I’ve said it?
She’s looking at me. “No….”
I shoot her this look, the whole thing I look at her and I take off the mask.
“Think about some of the stuff me and your mom was talking about.”
Oh my stomach hurts and me inside of me feels like she’s having a full fledged panic attack and she’s freaking out and screaming and clawing.
Mary Jane’s staring at me for some of the longest seconds of my life and then her eyes widen and she’s taking this huge breath.
Part of me is so picturing the slap, the freak out the look of disgust.
She reaches out and she hooks pinky fingers with me and sort of closes her hand so that we’re gripping pinkies.
“Oh holy shit…I knew something was up, I just didn’t know what. I mean I thought the way that you looked and how you fit and seemed so at home in my stuff that you were gay or like a cross dresser or something but you didn’t have a boner so…”
“Eeew Yick you crotch clocked me?”
“Hey I’m a hyper sexualized thirteen year old that’s read Kinsey.”
“I thought you said you never read all of it.”
“Well I read his stuff on girls trying to find out if I was a lesbian or not.”
“Huh?”
“Amanda.”
“Oh…shit…sorry.”
“So…?”
“I’m about a three.”
I grin at here and she’s grinning at me and then her eyes get soft. “It doesn’t matter.”
“What doesn’t?”
“It doesn’t matter Stephanie. You’re my best friend not just my girlfriend.”
“M.J. we just met.”
“And you’ve had my back everytime I needed you.”
“That’s just.”
“That’s just never happened before in my life Steph. It might be fast but it’s still above and beyond and I love you for it.”
(Sniffle.) “M. J……”
“Nope you took a hot coffee for me. You might be okay but I might have been burned and hell you might have been burned. That’s…that’s kind of like huge.”
(Sniffle.) “Your boobs are huge.”
“They’re not they’re C’s”
“You’re thirteen…that’s huge.”
“You’re such a pervette.”
I smile and she smiles back. “I’d hug you Steph but you’re sticky.”
“Yeah I can feel it getting even more sticky too.”
“Why don’t you go home I’m sure the office will be okay with it?”
“I’ll ask…but I’ll be back.”
“I’ll be okay.”
“I’ll come back.” Honestly I don’t trust Liz or her friends. If I’m gone they might just do something especially since word will have gotten around that Mary Jane ran out here taking a freak.
She actually leads me by our pinkies to the office and Mrs. London’s there and she’s looking at me and she talks to the principal and she calls Mom.
It’s a long wait in the office.
Mary Jane has to go back to class and it’s ten long freaked out minutes with everything running like mad through my head over and over.
I said it.
I said it and she didn’t freak.
But home?
No…home’s something different.
Mark, Billy and Bobby…they got the way they act from someplace and I mean Mom and Dad seem okay with this for Halloween but they…it’s not the same when it’s someone in your family.
They got it from somewhere right?
Mom comes in and she looks at me. “What happened?”
“Long story, but I had a coffee with all the gooey toppings spilled on me.”
“You get burned?”
“No it just hurt, I just need to get showered and changed.”
“Okay, are you coming back to school?”
“Yeah it’s been a rough one on M.J. too she needs me.”
Mom smiles at that and she has this proud of me look that put’s some hard cracks in the mask and it’s a rough and quiet drive home.
“You want to tell me what really happened?”
“Liz.”
“The one that was calling you for awhile all the time last year?”
“Yeah…she’s our resident debutante and Mary Jane got under her skin.”
“How?”
I shrug. “Plastic surgery’s coming loose along with her screws.”
“Steven!”
Ow…ow…ow…I didn’t want that…please you said it right before.
“There was no reason mom, I cornered her about it there was no reason other than Mary Jane is a gorgeous girl and that stuck in her craw.”
“She sounds like a piece of work.”
“Oh she’s that.”
“So are the teachers going to do something about her?”
“No witnesses and while there’s sort of proof there’s sort of not. I told the teacher to let it be.”
“Why if she was being malicious then she needs to be punished?”
“It’s only sort of proof Mom. Besides she knows I pretty much let her go so she owes me.”
“Will she care?”
“She better, I told her to leave Mary Jane alone. I think she’s scared of me.”
“Why?”
My inner bitch is bigger than hers?
I’m so biting my tongue to keep from saying that.
“I didn’t cow-tow to her Mom and that’s never happened before so she thinks I’m nuts.”
“Well you get that from me.”
I smile. “That’s actually kind of cool Mom.”
She gives me a funny look when we pull in home and I try to give her a smile and then I head inside and upstairs.
Yick…my shirt is literally stuck to me with sugary coffee and caramel and whipped cream.
I go to the bathroom and I turn the shower on really high and I climb in and that’s about as far as my adrenaline takes me before I sit down in the tub and start to hyperventilate.
Masks Chapter 11
*Before…
My inner bitch is bigger than hers?
I’m so biting my tongue to keep from saying that.
“I didn’t cow-tow to her Mom and that’s never happened before so she thinks I’m nuts.”
“Well you get that from me.”
I smile. “That’s actually kind of cool Mom.”
She gives me a funny look when we pull in home and I try to give her a smile and then I head inside and upstairs.
Yick…my shirt is literally stuck to me with sugary coffee and caramel and whipped cream.
I go to the bathroom and I turn the shower on really high and I climb in and that’s about as far as my adrenaline takes me before I sit down in the tub and start to hyperventilate.
* And Now…
I told her.
I told M.J.
Okay she said she thought something was up and stuff but still…
I told her.
I said it out loud.
I haven’t even gotten so far even with myself.
It’s hard to breathe with everything running around din my head and I sit there with the water beating down on me and I look up into the oncoming spray and it’s going full blast so it stings after while and it helps me get out of that whole freaking out and panicking thing that I’m doing right now.
I need to get myself under control because I can’t have this conversation with Mom right now.
Just can’t and…and M.J. needs me.
Okay she might not but I wouldn’t put it past Liz doing something while I’m not there.
I slowly get to my feet and I grab my shower gel and wash with lots of suds to get clean again and wash the stuff that happened out of my system.
I rinse off and head to my room pretty fast and get dressed again this time in slacks and a Roots wear t-shirt and I head down stairs to where mom’s at and she’s got some boxes in her studio from storage.
“I’m ready.”
“Alright.”
She grabs her coat and her purse and not for the first time I’m watching her and the way that she moves. It’s just…mom’s a woman and she’s still good looking and everything and even in the everyday there’s just so much that…
That’s what I should be.
I bite my lip and follow her out to the car and she drives me back to school.
“You sure you don’t want to report that Liz girl?”
“Yeah it might have more weight if she’s more afraid of me than the admin; they can’t do anything without proof.”
“And you can do?”
“I can out teen her.” I’m really thinking I can out bitch her but I’m keeping that to myself.
“Okay, that sounds threatening.”
“I can hit her in her popularity.”
“Ouch…okay the office can’t do that.”
“Exactly.”
We stop at Tim’s and mom gets a tea and me a coffee and then we stop at the school. She looks at me and smiles. “Try to have a better day okay kiddo?”
“Me too, hopefully all uphill from here right?”
She laughs. “Exactly.”
I give her a kiss on the cheek and I slip out of the car and head to the office and get a hall pass and a slip for my teacher and I slip the long way around and I see M.J. in her french class and I slow enough so she catches sight of me and I give her a wave and a thumbs up before I head off to English class.
I’m a little late but our English teacher is pretty laid back and stuff so he just takes my note and I find my seat and he goes back to talking.
Actually it’s kind of neat because we’re doing comics.
Well it’s this bit on how comics have influence things and how the off shoots of that have become screenwriting and stuff.
I have the sneaky suspicion that he’s actually trying to teach us about outlines and stuff though.
Lunch is next and I head to the cafeteria to meet up with M.J. and say hi to a few people on the way. I mean it’s not like I didn’t have friends before this it’s just not like best friends.
It’s hard to really open up that far to someone that might not get it.
And I’m still trying to figure out why Mary Jane? I mean I kind of think that just cousins and coincidence is playing a really big part in this but as I think about it she’s been kind of broken too.
And busted toys are often flung into the same box together.
No most of my friends are from hockey and stuff and it’s been the occasional thing at their place like for a bunch of us playing videogames and stuff but usually it’s me.
But I’m a jock so being shy and quiet and introverted is called a little EMO but mostly cool.
It’s amazing the stuff that they will invent to label you with so you don’t mess with their illusions.
You take away my hockey stuff and the jacket and I’d be the sorta cute weird guy. Take away that we’re really comfortable too and I’d be the quiet creepy loser kid. So I go with the guyoflage and I play my part.
Now it’s scary and it’s exciting in a whole new way because of Mary Jane. She knows…
Oh crap I almost forgot all about that she knows!
And it’s been hours since she’s known.
I pace the halls a little in front of the cafeteria and I try to not look freaked out by the stuff going through my head. I so get the online junkies and the girls that live in Facebook and stuff because I feel sooo unplugged right now and I feel like I’m in the dark and that’s scary.
“Hey you’re back.” M.J. says out of no where and scaring the crap out of me. I jump and shiver.
“Geeze M.J. don’t sneak up on me like that!”
“Easy, chill are you okay?”
I shove my hands in my pockets and I look at her with my ‘Like really?’ look. I mean honestly she’s asking me that?
She raises her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay wrong question I mean…I mean are you okay right now.”
“I’m better but honestly I’m freaking out.”
“Because of the thing you told me?”
“Uhm-yeah dur.”
She slips me into a one armed hug around my waist. “It’s okay.”
“Really it’s not.”
“No it isn’t but at least we have a place that we can start from.”
“What?”
“I know, you said that mom knows so we work from there.”
“Work to what?”
“Making it right dur…”
“M.J…..”
“What? Look I know I know like sweet F.A. about all of this stuff but I know that you’re not a fake person okay, you can’t keep this up.”
“What choice do I have?”
“I don’t know but we’ll figure stuff out.”
We walk into the cafeteria and we get a few things me a juice and an apple and she gets some pizza and a chocolate milk and we go and we find a seat. Actually I just give the guys a nod and I keep going.
“Not sitting with the team?”
“I do sometimes; it’s just well it’s sometimes hard to be around them when I’m really not one of them.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“If you could change and be who you really are would you still play hockey?”
“I don’t know probably not.”
“Why? It’s not wrong for a girl to play hockey.”
“I know it’s just that I’ve always thought that I wouldn’t.”
“Why?”
“Well when I was little instead of hockey I wanted to learn how to figure skate.”
“Okay but you’d really not play?”
“I don’t know why?”
“Because I was just curious really.”
“I…okay honestly I’ll have to think about it.”
“Introduce me?”
Sigh… “Okay…”
We turn around and we get a seat at the jock table and as soon as we’re doing that I sort of realize that this can be a good thing for Mary Jane.
I mean it’s sitting at the jock table and with the more popular kids in school and that’s kind of got a sort of stamp of socially approvedness that comes with it.
I nod to the guys and Randy Sweet the team captain grins and looks M.J. over. “Hey Steven who is the babe.”
“The babe is Mary Jane, and while she is a babe she’s also a person dude so stop being such a guy.”
“Sorry…sorry it was just a figure of speech.”
Mary Jane shrugs. “It’s okay I’m kind of used to getting looked at that way.” Oh she says that but her tone is like she’s not good with being treated like a piece of meat.
Randy blushes. “Sorry.”
Tim Jordan of the defensemen asks. “What’s wrong with being a guy?”
M.J. nearly chokes on her drink and is looking at me.
I look back at her with a ‘shut up’ look and take out my sandwich.
Nicolas Sutherland his partner and the other defenseman says. “Well nothing but Randy wasn’t just being a guy he was pulling a Guido.”
M.J.’s looking at him. “A what?”
“A Guido, A Joey.” He grins.
“Huh?” She says blinking.
“You ever see Friends?”
“Yeah like once in awhile on re-runs.”
“You know Joey?”
“Yeah….”
Nick leans over a little and he leers a bit and does this come-hither semi-dumb look at Mary Jane. “Hey how you doin…?”
Some of us laugh and she cokes on her drink and even I’m smiling a little because that’s kind of funny.
That of course is getting us some looks which I swear I can feel. I actually can, even when I’m alone in here it’s just one of those things. But I see Liz looking over at us and she doesn’t look happy. Actually she looks peeved as heck that M.J.’s actually at our table.
I lock eyes with here and she turns away from looking at me and by the time I look back Randy’s looking at me.
“So what was that about?”
“Liz being Liz, she took a dislike to Mary Jane for no good reason and she tried some stuff.”
“Like?” The guys ask.
M.J. pipes up saying. “She had coffee and her and her friends tried to ‘accidentally’ splash me with one and Steven took the hit for me.”
Nick grins and gives me a thumbs up that makes me blush. “Yeah Steven’s like that he’s taken a few hits for people.”
I blush. “I just…look better me than someone else okay.”
Mary Jane gives me an odd look then takes this almost ‘oh really’ bite of her pizza. I can almost see the raised eyebrow in the way she’s chewing.
Randy nods a couple times while he chews and swallows. “Yeah Steven’s doing stuff like that a lot.”
“I don’t.”
Nick… “The soccer ball.”
M.J. “Soccer ball?”
“Last summer at the park there was a game and a ball went wide and there was a bunch of asses smoking and drinking and one got the ball and gave it a drunk kick back really hard and it didn’t go where the guy thought it would.”
Randy… “Yeah you just don’t haul off and do that.”
Nick… “Right well anyway there was a bunch of girls there watching us and then it’s heading at them like really hard and then Steven was like out of nowhere and took the ball in the chest.”
I’m like… “Guys…”
Randy’s shaking his head. “No, dude you’re like one of those like stand up guys Steve, you just always like do the right thing.”
I’m blushing and hiding my face in my hand.
Stand up guy…yeah.
But what I said is true…I mean it’s not really me…so yeah there’s just sometimes if something happens…it’s just Steven…armor’s for taking hits right?
Mary Jane’s looking at me. “You have a habit of doing that then?”
I shrug. “If I’m there I’m not going to let someone get hurt…”
“Fighting?”
“Actually I’ve never been in one off the ice.”
She looks at me sort of maybe skeptically.
“Really?”
“Yes really.”
“Good.” But she says it in ‘good’ by girlese so it’s ‘good’ but we’re talking about this later.
We eat for a while and every once in a while check Liz who’s doing her best to ignore us and to pretend that she isn’t bothered by M.J.
You know the type the ones that want everything their own way and raise hell when they don’t get it or someone catches them lying or just doesn’t cave to their bullshit and that’s when they act like they didn’t want it or weren’t bothered by it anyways.
It gets close to the end of lunch and I get ready and M.J.’s getting her books and she’s looking at me as she closes her locker up.
“What do you have next?”
“Art then Gym and then Woodshop you?”
“Social studies, Gym and Home Ec.”
I sigh… “Home Ec. sounds good.”
“Yeah I know.”
She rubs my back some and then up to my shoulder and looks at me. “Hey…..”
“Yeah?”
“No more okay?”
My eyes get that almost cry feel and the lump in my throat…I know what she’s going to say. “No more what….?” It’s a soft whisper given how tight my throat is.
“No more putting yourself in harms way.”
“I…I’m not just going to let someone get hurt.”
“Good, just include yourself in that too okay?”
“M.J…..”
“Please, helping is good, helping is awesome but I don’t want stuff to happen to you.”
“Okay…”
“You matter…this whole thing, the way you feel about all the stuff you gotta deal with. It’s not enough reason for you to let stuff happen even if you’re doing the right thing….you matter.”
Dammit, dammit just…I’m so on the edge of crying right now.
When no one knows…when you’re all alone in this there’s this overwhelming feeling of fuck it why bother that ambushes you sometimes…and sometimes often…like an Acme anvil and I’m the poor coyote and I’m chasing the real me as the road runner.
There’s been no one to tell me that the girl me, even stuck like this matters.
We hug and she gives me a serious squeeze that helps so much and M.J. even slips a hand down and hooks pinkies with me for a few seconds.
“Okay…okay I’ll be more careful…”
“You better, you’ll be in shit if you don’t woman.” She’s really quiet saying it and stuff and it helps, it helps a lot.
“Okay…love you too but we better get to class. See you in Gym.”
“Oooh yay Gym.” She rolls her eyes sarcastically.
“Yeah I know.”
Changing with boys, a constant reminder of what I don’t want.
Yick.
We part ways and I head off to art class and it’s a pretty cool class. The Guidance councilor teaches it and I think that’s kind of cool since I guess a lot of them don’t teach classes and it’s Halloween so there’s a lot of free time sort of projects that we do for Halloween Mrs. Lambert actually does themes for stuff all the time and right now it’s sort of messy stuff because we’re doing paper mache.
Some of us are doing decorations and stuff for home and stuff but this class is different today because Becky Truman from the bus actually picks up het stuff and moves to my work station.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” I smile as she sets out her stuff.
“I was talking to some of the other girls and we were thinking that the dance is a great idea.”
“Cool, I mean the senior high kids get to have then and stuff.”
“I know right! Anyways I was talking to Amber and she was like going to do student council this afternoon and stuff so she said that she was going to like bring it up and stuff.”
“You think they’ll let us?”
“Dunno but if we do we’re going to need like help with doing it all up and stuff.”
“Count me in I’ll help.”
“Yay!” And she hugs me and it’s kind of cool.
“So…” And I’m being careful broaching this without M.J. around. “What would you were as a costume?”
Becky leans back and shrugs. “I never thought about it that much, what do you think that I should do?”
“What are you into?”
“Like?”
“Books, Movies stuff like that. I mean you should go as something fun and something that you’d have fun as, as opposed to what’s cool.” I do air quotes.
“Well I like romance and I like movies and witches and stuff but not like the Halloween witches but like the stuff on TV.”
I look at her and she’s got a nice body and long dark hair. “Catness.”
“Huh?”
“Catness from The Hunger Games.”
“I know who she is but you know?”
“Sure I love those books and I own the DVD too.”
“You love the books?”
“Sure, I love a smart and cool and strong female character.”
“The fact that she’s hot never entered into it right?”
“Actually no. I love the fact that even in the movie it’s way more about her being a girl and reacting in a realistic strong female way. There’s way too many female characters that are ‘Strong female characters’ just because someone directs them or writes them to kick ass like a boy character with boobs. Catness defends her sister, faces up to her mom who’s seriously unplugged and she loses people there’s hurt and pain and she’s nowhere near perfect and even right up to the end of The Hunger Games she’s more thinking with her head how to survive.”
“Wow, you are into this.”
“Girls stuff is way more awesome than people give it credit for…and when it’s just well done it’s for everyone really.”
“So Catness huh?”
“You could pull off the look and there’s some very costumey like outfits in the books or the movies.”
“Coolness, so what else?”
We talk all the way through class as we do our mache stuff and I’m making a whole lot of pumpkins that will have wires to hang them with. I was talking with the teacher about it and they’re going to be something that I want to make for the little kids that come to our house.
I’m going to make little stands inside out of Bristol board and then I’ll put in an electric tea light for the candle but on that little stand inside I’m going to put some faerie stickers like Tinkerbelle so when you look inside the mine jack-o-lanterns they’ll see a faerie in there by the electric candle light.
Which is getting me several ‘Omigawdcools’ from Becky.
We even end up talking all the way to the gym.
Gym class.
Yick.
I don’t mind, mind sports that much it’s kind of Boyoflage but going into a boys changing room and not being a boy and changing with them.
Yick.
No I’m not a lesbian…but I’m not into guys either I right now am just too much in envy of the girls right now so I’m not really looking at them like girlfriends and well it’s really yick to me to think about guys like that especially since I see stuff and sides of them that are like all guyboden to women.
Seriously…if it wasn’t for the mystery of the sex’s guys would be way more unlucky with the ladies than they even are now.
I am thankfully a fast changer and I go out and into the gym for my usual Gym class torture.
There is nothing like seeing all those other girls in their gym things moving like that and looking like that and stuff to get you feeling envy and to dream and to feel just heavy…and too big and thick…frumpy.
Today with M.J. and Becky and some of the others that I know a bit better I’m even closer in feeling…like I’m stuck cover in this shell and that fake feeling is kind of stained feeling.
It’s this yick feeling that is there in your skin…you can almost feel your entire outside and it’s just kind of…this skin is wrong this isn’t me and if only I could just pull it off so that I could be me.
It’s not like some kind of like insane need but like…like all of that stuff on the outside that isn’t the real you is so wrong it gives me this skin deep stomach ache…
It’s just something wrong…
So I play…and I play hard too and that’s us going outside and to the ball field for baseball.
I’ll say this Mr. Hunter our Gym teacher tries to be totally equal in class. He’s one of the coaches for a few teams but in class he tries to have us all do stuff that both sexes can play. He’s done this ever since middle school started and it’s one of the few things that I like about Gym.
We run some bases as a warm up and we do some calisthenics too before we pick teams and he has us do this whole paired off thing of rock paper scissors on who ends up as the team captains and then who is first at bat.
Anyone can win, anyone can be a captain even the un-athletic kids and stuff. And the person that is at bat first gets second pick.
And he stops the game to show us things too…like throws and the best way to catch a ball or to bat and all that stuff.
Actually the class is okay it’s just all the other stuff that goes with it.
M.J.’s on the other team and she gets some pointer from Mr. Hunter. She’s really bad at this. Actually I feel for her too and get why she wasn’t thrilled about Gym. One she’s not really the sporty type…she can’t throw for beans…she throws like she’s never really played before and then there’s running.
And it’s M.J. so there’s the whole big breasted effect while she does so and added to that the looks that she gets from people when she’s in her Gym kit.
Thankfully it’s only 55 minutes of this before we’re done that class.
And super-yick to the changing room again.
One they’re teen boys…just getting all hormonal and the sweat…
How can some of then smell like feet all over…yick…gag…
One class left some of them skip the shower.
Duncan Fields decides to take a poo…yes there’s a bathroom in the changing room but it is just…gas escaping and smells and the guys being guys they make a production out of it and of course he goes right from there to the shower.
Nick’s joking that Duncan didn’t bother to wipe and that just…
I’m doing this arms up wrist bent hands clenched eeew scream inside my head at just the thought.
And then the final shot to my system is the cloud of Axe deodorant that is applied en masses like a WMT (Weapon of Mass Testosterone.)
One of these days we’ll have the UN weapons inspectors in doing a threat assessment.
And then we’re off to Woodshop.
Anyone what to lose a finger?
It’s another one of those classes I like and hate. We have Mr. Smith who is super serious and not a bad guy. Like some of the stuff he has us do as group projects is stuff like Bike racks for the town or us building a wheelchair ramp for a place that needs one.
That’s pretty cool and we learn a lot and I’m really good with that but it’s still not Home Ec. Where I’d love to be at and then there’s trying not to be an ass in the class because Mr. Smith is really easy to make fun of.
He has a hair lip and that lisp. So he says stuff like “Pwass me the scewdiver.”
It’s like shop class with Elmer Fudd.
Be vwey, vwey careful a nail gun is not a twoy….
And I’m doing a bunch of canvases on wood for mom and frames too. Mom’s a painter like an actual artist and it’ll be a better present than a spice rack that she has better of and Mr. smith is all for it because he gets to show us how to make frames from like boards with a router and stuff and how to stretch a canvas.
We all did some to just learn and I think all of them are going to the art room for later. Our teachers are like that if you want to do something and they figure they can squeeze a lesson out of it they will and killing two birds with one stone is something they doo here too.
Like the year ahead of us is learning to build picnic tables and some are going to the town and most here for the school.
They’re very big into community service in school here. I guess the idea is to show us helping out is okay and fun and so we like have some kind of like civic pride or something.
But still I’d rather if I had my rathers be over in Home Ec where they do stuff I really want to learn and more than that just learn all the other stuff that a class of all girls learn.
You know they do the same things too? Becky told me that she’s doing a knitting thing as part of her sewing stuff that will be for like preemies in the baby ward.
I want to sew my own dresses and stuff.
I wanna make poppy cookies for the vets on Remembrance Day.
(Inside sniffle)
We get out and the girls are right across the hall from us and M.J.’s talking and chatting with Becky and Amber and Rachel Sweet’s there with then and they’re talking about The Hunger Games and the dance and stuff on the way to the lockers and M.J. just grabs my hand and pulls me into the wake of them and Becky brings me in too with me and her’s Art class convo being picked right up and we’re talking about stuff for the school dance and costumes and Monster High and Winks club and the whole Tinkerbelle universe stuff but also like stuff from TV and even comics.
Rachel Sweet is going with Holly Stonehouse on Halloween night as Betty and Veronica which is a good idea and there’s even talk of some of the senior high kids going to do it too but doing Scooby Doo.
Amber’s going to do super girl from the comics but hasn’t decided on the classic blue or the version with the white tee-shirt top.
We talk until we do the lockers thing and Amber’s off to the student council thing and I’m almost doing a squee thing when I’m getting numbers send to me phone and twitters and e-mails.
Then we’re at the bus stop and even talking as we get dropped off and I’m grinning but the time it’s just Mary Jane and I.
“You had fun didn’t you?”
I lean back against the seat and the window side and smile. “Yeah…I did honestly this really kind of made up for the day.”
“Mom texted my in Home Ec. and your mom said you should come to our place tonight.”
“She say why?”
“It was about your brothers and talking to them about something you and her and your dad had talked about?’
“Oh..”
“Okay spill.”
“I…I didn’t tell them but I did kinda tell them about you and me hanging out and the stuff with our costumes and stuff and Mum thinks it’ll be a good learning experience for me.”
“You could tell her.”
“I could and they could so not be as cool as I would hope they’d be.”
“Why wouldn’t they?”
“Mark, Billy and Bobby…they all got their attitude from like somewhere.”
“Oh….”
“Yeah oh…I…I just can’t risk it…I don’t want to lose them….or even those three jerks.”
Dammit I’m getting sniffly again.
“Okay…I got it just…just keep it in mind okay?”
“I’ll try…It’s just…”
“Hey….” She hooks pinkies with me again…that’s definitely getting to be sort of our thing. “You have a place with me and with Mom if this ever comes out and turns south…you have a place.”
We hug and right after that is our stop and her mom’s home because Aunt Elsbeth’s jeep is in the driveway and we head inside and it smells like laundry inside and there’s rock music playing. *Shoot to Thrill.* By AC/DC and Aunt Elsbeth is setting up stuff in the kitchen like it’s for like a salon or something and she looks at me and grins.
“Hey girls.”
Yay… (Smiles.)
“Hey!” We both carouse.
“M.J. can you lend your cousin some clothes and stuff to wear after she has a shower?”
“Sure!”
“Steph?” Aunt Els say/asks as she holds up two weaves…not wigs but weaves…. “Which one do you want to try first?”
I…oh wow…that and the stuff that’s out like we’re going to do make overs…and clothes and…
“You…I…?” (Sniffle-big swallow?)
“Yes honey you can be you in this house.”
I can’t help but to drop my book bag and run over and hug her.
Masks Chapter 12
*Before…
We hug and right after that is our stop and her mom’s home because Aunt Elsbeth’s jeep is in the driveway and we head inside and it smells like laundry inside and there’s rock music playing. *Shoot to Thrill.* By AC/DC and Aunt Elsbeth is setting up stuff in the kitchen like it’s for like a salon or something and she looks at me and grins.
“Hey girls.”
Yay… (Smiles.)
“Hey!” We both carouse.
“M.J. can you lend your cousin some clothes and stuff to wear after she has a shower?”
“Sure!”
“Steph?” Aunt Els says/asks as she holds up two weaves…not wigs but weaves…. “Which one do you want to try first?”
*And Now...
I…oh wow…that and the stuff that’s out like we’re going to do make overs…and clothes and…
“You…I…?” (Sniffle-big swallow.)
“Yes honey you can be you in this house.”
I can’t help but to drop my book bag and run over and hug her.
“Ohmygod, ohmygod! You’re so the best…really, I mean like really it’s okay?’
She hugs me really tight and close. “Yes Stephanie it’s okay.”
I’m shaking like a three year old on sugar and grinning just as much and I’m happy crying looking at her and she grins and passes me a plastic bag from one of those discount stores.
“Aunt Els?”
“Starter pack, go shower.”
I bite my lip and then kiss her on the cheek and give her one more squeeze before heading upstairs with Mary Jane.
I look in the bag and there’s a couple of packs of those cheap cotton panties and the nylon ones that are like the faux satin and a couple of those training bras…there’s some Secret deodorant and some women’s soap and shampoo and conditioner.
Oh my god.
I stop at the second landing. “Oh my god…Yeeeeeeeeee…I have panties!!!”
Mary Jane burst into laughing and pushes me mid happy dance up the stairs. “C’mon you sooner you shower the sooner that you can put them on.”
I…I…this, this is such a huge moment…I mean it really is.
I start to sniffle. “Oh wow you guys are so cool…”
It’s that happy cry and I can’t help it but to hug M.J. and cry on her in front of the bathroom.
She’s rubbing my back and cooing and just being soothing and just generally all kinds of awesome. Then she’s laughing a little.
(Sniffle.) “What’s funny?”
“You…you’re so emotional I can’t wait to see you on hormones.”
“I…what…I…”
That, that’s been one of those too far off, too far flung fantasies…and she’s saying it like it’s something that’s going to happen?
“It’ll happen girl, one way or another it’ll happen.”
We hug really tightly and I almost bounce into the bathroom and yeah I’m still crying and I start undressing and I’m not even going to the bad eww dangle place I’m that happy and excited and I’m into the shower and taking the shower stuff in with me and I swear…nothing had ever smelled better than this smell of the shea and cocoa butter body wash.
I’m washing and sudsing up and there’s…that feeling I talked about in Gym class where I feel like I’m skin deep sick of what’s on my outside it’s like I’m washing that pain out of my pores.
One of the two of them takes it up another notch by playing music and it’s fun girly rock stuff and I’m singing along with *Pocket full of Sunshine* By Natasha Bedingfield.
Oh my god that’s such a good girl jam.
Washed and shampooed and conditioned I dry off and put on my deodorant and even some powder and I’m shaking in this excited happy way taking my panties out of the pack and the ones I’m wearing are just simple white cotton with small little daisy flowers of them.
I take a breath and slip them on and as excited as I am about it I’m not excited in that Yick way.
But…I tuck that back and pull them up and they slip up to my crotch and ride up on my hips in this way that I had only imagined until now and…they settle in this way that just say to my brain.
Correct.
This is right.
It’s not even pleasure it’s just relief, rightness like something that was digging like a splinter in my head just got pulled out.
And there’s a gasp and then there’s tears because it feels so damned good to just feel normal.
That’s all I want, I just want to feel like me in my own skin instead of like my life is a constant hug by sandpaper.
My bra is next.
My bra.
Oh the yayness in that statement and y’know I think I’m having that moment that all other girls have when they put on their first bra.
“Steph? You okay you need help with stuff?” M.J. calls through the door.
“Nope got it!”
“You sure?”
I open the door. “See…Ta daaa!”
Mary Jane giggles. “Wow you did are you ever excited.”
“Well yeah this…M.J. this is something I’ve ached for.”
“Really?”
“You wear guy’s drawers all your life and stuff when you’re not a guy all your life and then you’ll get how it feels to wear something that’s actually made for you. I feel right.”
“You look like a girl.”
“I am a girl.”
“No, I mean just with this and the underwear you look like a girl…even with the short hair you kinda look like a flat girl with short hair.”
“My shoulders are too big and I don’t have any hip or bust.”
“Okay there’s some technical stuff but seriously you look like one of those athletic girls with like the small boobs and stuff.”
“Really?”
“Yeah…like really.”
She grabs my hand and pulls me to her room and in front of the full length mirror on her closet door.
I…
I do…I mean sort of…I’m tucked and it’s doing it okay enough that I’m not really showing and I haven’t really hit the whole guy-puber-curse yet so I’m not too bulky…other than the short hair…I look.
I look like Stephanie.
I’m still staring when she passed me some socks wrapped in some nylons.
“Huh what?’
“Femitradition…you have a training bra you have to stuff it.”
I blush and I giggle and I take each one and I stuff my bra and settle things around and adjust it until it feels right and the training bra sort of pushes things down until it looks like I’m just pushing out the cups but in a solid way.
Mary Jane tilts my head up to look in the mirror again and it’s.
It’s seeing another little part of the real me there.
Me staring out and back at myself and not hidden under some mask and not curled up crying in my darkest places either.
Even when M.J. hugs me we look like two girls.
“Wow…” I breathe…really breathe it feels good to breathe.
“I’d say, let’s get dressed and go down and show Mom.”
“Okay!”
I am excited…I want to see this through; I need to see this through.
Thirteen years and this is far too long and far too late.
And yes I know there are other girls and women out there far older than me suffering through that same fate.
I’ll light candles for us tonight.
Mary Jane has some clothes out for me to look over and to try on and yeah there’s this whole urge to go wild and do the whole clothes and fashion try on everything…thing but it’s also that the actual me, Steph is just looking to be me.
I pick a cute scoop necked sleeveless blue top and I match it with a pair of army-esque designed capri pants that sort of have that cargo pants look and socks follow and it’s just normal and plain or plain and maybe a little big skate-girl like but still me, still feminine.
“You’re good at this I mean the outfit rocks Steph.”
“Thanks, I’ve had lots of practice with outfits.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, maybe even more than you.”
She’s giving me the eyebrow. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, I mean you’re not a serious clothes horse but you still got lots of great stuff but they’re still kind of clothes for you…for most of my life these are things that I dreamed about.”
“You dreamed of clothes that you could wear?”
“I dreamed of clothes that I wasn’t allowed to wear or even look at too long.”
“I suppose…not being able kind of makes it more intense.”
I nod. “When you’re dreaming of being you when you’re like me it’s a big part of things just to be able to do things that are so plain and normal as wearing clothes that make you feel comfortable in your own skin.”
“So that’s how you got your bra on so easy?”
I nod. “I’ve put a bra on in my head so many times in my head it’s like second nature. I’ve even acted it out.”
“Acted it out?”
“Yeah that stretch of reaching behind to fasten yourself it’s this little thing that you can sort of steal for yourself without getting caught…”
“Wow there’s…I can’t imagine Steph.”
I hug her and I kiss M.J. on the forehead. “Good.”
We both smile at each other and we’re both sort of sniffly and on the edge of tears. I hug her again really tight…there’s a lot of this about me right now and maybe too much. I know I’m messed up and this is one of those huge amounts of work and attention things but M.J. has her stuff too.
“Thank you M.J., Thank you so much…you’re pretty freaking awesome to be there for me like this.”
(Sniffle.) “Really?”
“Yeah…all those other people, they had no damned idea just how awesome a friend you can be….I’m so effing lucky.” I hug her tighter. “So effing lucky.”
It’s one of those hug and hold and snuggle moments. I’ve seen them and I’ve read about them but it’s something that sort of gets voided out of your life when you’re like me and I really missed this kind of human contact.
We both finish and are a little sniffly but smiling and M.J. looks at me. “Make-overs?”
“Oh so definitely.”
We actually rush down the stairs and do a sort of bounce off the wall stumble through the kitchen door and that sets us off to laughing.
Aunt Els looks at us and grins and the air is filled with the smells of coffee and cosmetic stuff and I can’t power down my happy smile and I call out. “Blonde, I need the blonde one!”
We get coffee and we get down to business. I’m looking over the weave and it looks a lot like a wig actually but with like this rubber cross that has holes in it like one of those hair caps that they use to pull sections of your hair through at the hair dressers.
“So how does this work?”
“Well most weaves are ones that you literally sewn into you existing hair but these are quick weaves.”
“Quick weaves?”
“They were made for modeling and film when you need a weave that can look more natural that a wig.”
“Wigs can be pretty close to looking like regular hair.”
“Some can and do and they’re pricey too. These are a lot cheaper but you get all that freedom of not having to deal with the skull cap and these use four points of connection so they’re stable.”
“Where’d you get these?”
“Actually I made them.”
“Made them?”
“I’m a beautician, so I saw these before and I have the hair and I make wigs too so I thought that I’d make these.”
“Okay that’s kind of cool…so my hair gets pulled through the little holes and then what?”
“We clip it down.”
“Pardon?”
“You take these.” She holds up these small bobby pins. And you pin the hair as it’s folded down into the next hole back from it. Then when you need to change them you just pull out the pins and that’s how we do it.”
“I think I got it.”
“It’ll be harder doing it yourself but with a good mirror and patience you can do it.”
I’m biting my lower lip and looking at her sceptically.
“But it is easier to have help. Here get in the chair.”
I hop in the chair and she gets started and it feels strange with the tugs and stuff as she pulls tufts of my hair through and each tuft gets folded down and then fit with one of those mini pins.
But once they’re all in Aunt Els starts to sort of tousle it and then to cut and trim it some.
“But…but I like the length!”
“I know and we’re keeping most of it but I’m giving you a cut honey that suits you and that we can do things with.”
“Oh…okay..”
It takes too long and at the same time not long enough it seems and thankfully they don’t make me over before letting me see me in the mirror.
I look…It’s me there looking back and more.
Honestly I don’t think that I even got this far in all my dreams…well okay some dreams but that self image, the me in my head wasn’t this good looking.
I’m not saying I’m beautiful but I’m kind of beautiful…I mean to the way that I see myself now I mean.
I’m looking at myself in the big mirror they have and I’m skinny, and I don’t really have that hip to waist ratio and my shoulders aren’t the way a girl my age’s usually is even if I don’t work out like and stuff but The clothes, having what looks like a little bust and this long blonde hair that has these really cute bangs and goes down to my shoulders in the back.
I look like me.
And right now being as close to me as I have ever been feels pretty darned beautiful. I take a few deep breaths to keep from crying and Mary Jane’s rubbing my back and it helps but it’s not because she’s running her hand over my bra strap and it’s the fact she’s just even doing that that is kind of happy setting me off.
I end up doing the hand flutter to keep from crying and then I’m grinning and M.J.’s grinning and so’s Aunt Elsbeth and she takes out a pie out of the fridge. It’s some kind of icebox pie and I grin and get us refills on our coffee.
Oh it’s one of those milk chocolate pies.
I am a girl and I know I have that whatever brain to hormone thing that makes chocolate soooo good. “I love chocolate, my fave’s chocolate cake but this looks really good.”
Aunt Elsbeth nods. “I bought this from Michelle’s.”
“Oh…I wanted to try going there but I’ve never been brave enough.”
“Their cakes looked really good too.” She says and M.J. looks at the both of us and holds out her saucer.
“Cake isn’t pie.”
I laugh and Aunt Els just looks at us and we smile and we try to explain the TV Show Supernatural and the whole Sam and Dean thing and where the whole fanism came from.
We are so going to have to rent the seasons and get her caught up.
For those people who don’t watch Supernatural it’s this really good semi horror show and it’s pretty much the show for a lot of people that filled the void left by Buffy and Angel.
Oh the pie is pretty though…and I’m excited even by this because this coffee or tea and doing stuff like this might be like super cliché but you see it all the time…like so much of the whole this is a girl thing this is what we do…it’s one of the rituals.
Coffee and sweets with our girlfriends.
Michelle’s is this sort of girls store it’s a boutique and has all these clothes that are a mix of the really truly vintage and the newer things that are semi high end clothes but also under things and shoes and from stuff I’ve seen on their website they sell or rather carry stuff like artisan made jewellery and chocolates and sinful other stuff at their foodie nook.
It’s one of those places you can shop for clothes or stop in and get like something sinful but it’s really kind of geared to be this sort of female-centric store.
This thing, this milk chocolate looking pie is pretty a cookie crust/shell and this two inch thick filling with this chocolate mousse of some kind and there’s these little dark flecks in it like darker chocolate and this whipped cream topping that has those little finished peaks like it was put on there with a piping bag.
See…I should be in Home Ec.
We get sparing slices not wanting to over do it and it’s soooo good. I mean the main chocolate is this barely sweet light chocolate mousse and the flecks in it are curls of dark chocolate and actual shavings of what Aunt Els says is real black truffle.
All I know is it goes from this sea of light chocolate and as that dissolves in the bite I’m being hit with these little bursts of dark chocolate like teases and then this other flavor that is like…it’s like this sort of mushroom earth note but only if you boiled that mushroom in cream with like vanilla bean and served it in these thin slivers.
I’m not even sure that I’m even getting that right but it’s heady and velvety and earthy all at once and just like the dark chocolate this tease of that and it leaves you wanting to taste it again but wanting the mellow chocolate or the cookie shell or the whipped cream to break it all up or all of it together is just like amazing.
Like if you like chocolate this is foodgasmy stuff.
You know something is good when all the people there are eating it and there’s just a few moans of goodness and smiles around forkfuls.
And the coffee is just perfect for countering it all.
Aunt Elsbeth looks at me. “You’re not mimicking are you?”
“Nope…this is me without to trying to pretend to eat like a guy.”
“You know we really don’t eat like this all the time right?”
“I know, it’s habit because there’s nothing like eating to mess with your make-up.”
I actually grin because both of them are looking at me like they’re surprised that I get that. We don’t want to wreck our make up and we get that from our mothers and so on because we see them doing it like that so we sort of emulate our folks or role models.
Me I learned just like any other girl from other girls I’ve seen to TV and well…mom.
Aunt Elsbeth looks at me. “You ready?”
“Uhm…for?”
“Make-up lessons?”
“Sure!” And I’m all excited again.
I mean I’m not going to be one of those girls that plaster coats herself in layers of bulletproof foundation and stuff and really I’m not sure how that’s going to actually feel one my face or how I’ll like it or now. I mean there’s lots of girls that don’t bother but I want to know.
Anything to hide or fight my encroaching testosterone invasion and what’s that going to do to me.
Yick.
But my mood swing to the down doesn’t last for long because since Aunt Els doesn’t just do hair but all of that stuff she has like all the best stuff and I see a whole lot that looks like it might be sale samples too. All the names are there like Max-factor, Covergirl, Revlon and the list goes on and there’s even the door to door stuff like Avon and Mary Kay and some other line called Alouettes.
We do our colours and we do these paper blotter tests where she dips the paper in stuff and it tells you what kind of skin you have where and we apply and remove and apply and remove and we do this with all kinds of stuff she has and trying different products and when we find stuff that works for me she puts it in this cute shaving kit that’s actually a make-up bag that has stuff in it.
I’m so happy I could just squee and completely girlout about it. I mean she’s giving me this stuff and I know she’s got lots but still it’s one a small fortune in cosmetics but she’s teaching me how to do things too.
After like what must be a dozen looks we go with my casual look. A very fine amount of liquid concealer just to even out my complexion but right in line with my skin tone some eyeliner just for some definition but in a semi-brown-bronze so it sort of stands out but it mixes too with the color of my lashes and eyebrows…and just a little flesh and pink lip stick applied really lightly so it’s just sort of barely noticeable but at the same time there’s this sort of kissable shine.
We’re just packing up when my phone rings.
It’s mom.
“Uhm Hi.”
“How’s the makeover session?”
Oh yeah she sort of…well she thinks I’m playing dress up.
“Good it’s all so different than what I’m used to.”
“Well tell your Aunt and cousin to come over with you we’re doing spaghetti.”
“Okay…. it might take me a few to get changed.” Dammit, just dammit …Yick.
“No come as you are we need to have a family meeting about you and the costume contest anyways.”
Gulp…
Masks Chapter 13
*Before…
We’re just packing up when my phone rings.
It’s mom.
“Uhm Hi.”
“How’s the makeover session?”
Oh yeah she sort of…well she thinks I’m playing dress up.
“Good it’s all so different than what I’m used to.”
“Well tell your Aunt and cousin to come over with you we’re doing spaghetti.”
“Okay…. it might take me a few to get changed.” Dammit, just dammit …Yick.
“No come as you are we need to have a family meeting about this anyway.”
Gulp…
*And Now…
I shut down my phone and I take a big breath and look at Aunt Els and M.J. “That was mom she wants us over for supper and me as is.”
Aunt Els rubs my arm. “It’ll be okay honey, you were going to try this there remember at least she’s open to things this far.”
“I know but its scary…this is me…this is who I am really.”
“I know, but until you’re ready think of this as a way to ease them into it.”
“But….”
“But what honey?”
“But what if they don’t like me?” I’m right there between a cry and a whimper.
“They’re your parent’s honey of course they will.”
“That’s no guarantee Aunt Els and you know it.”
“That’s my brother and your mother is one of my best friends I think I know them.”
“But you don’t, you haven’t been around in like forever.”
“I’ve known them all my life Steph.”
“People change…”
“Sometimes…let’s just play it by ear until you’re ready.”
(Sniffle.) “Okay…”
We get our things together and me my books and my clothes and we head over and I have my heart skipping several beats when we’re walking.
I mean it’s really taking those town path short cut things and we only live like five or six streets apart from each other but this is me outside.
Gulp…and a case of the shakes.
M.J. holds my hand as we walk over and as scared, as terrified as I am there’s this moment when we’re crossing this empty lot that’s just grass and I stop and I feel the wind blowing my hair around and the tickle of it doing the same thing to my exposed calves from the capri pants and I can smell the way that I smell now and I close my eyes and just stop.
Mary Jane’s looking at me with a sort of head turned bemused smile and Aunt Elsbeth is just smiling at me and there’s this warmth there. She walks over to us and she takes off her shoes.
“Normally I leave my own beliefs to myself but you might like this. Here take off your shoes and socks. This won’t take too long or anything it’s just something nice.”
Uhm…okay.
We take off our socks and our shoes and she takes our hands and leads us from the worn path just a bit more off into the grass and she smiles. “Now just hold hands with me and each other like this in a circle and do the same thing.”
I do and it’s something wiccan I think and actually Aunt Elsbeth is from what I’ve always heard not just into this stuff but she like actually practices it. I’m not really sure about my take on this but I will say just holding hands in a circle like this my feet in the grass for just no other reason than just to feel that and my eyes closed and just feeling the wind and feeling my hands holding theirs it’s this kind of able to breathe moment and also this kind of girl bonding thing.
I mean if this stuff works or not I’m still feeling all of this and we stay like that for a few minutes. And it’s this very strong thing that right now is just ours.
Mine actually a real life Stephanie experience.
We break and get our shoes back on and I hug Aunt Elsbeth. “Thanks, that helped a lot.”
“Good that’s why we did it.”
“Wiccan?”
“Yes and no, like everything there’s more than one part to it.”
“Huh?”
“We stopped and had a moment, took the time to consciously stop and be with each other in that moment and we shared in it. By the way you could look at it we all got a bit better from doing that.”
“Okay…”
She smiles. “Whether Wiccan ideals or psychology we shared that time doing something that was just for us. You were included, you were doing something with us and that was and is good for you but good for us too kiddo if only for us helping you and taking our own pauses or the fact that in doing this we share a bit of that energy between us.”
“Ohmygoddess I think I actually got that.” I grin at her.
“Good, either way it’s just something that’s us ourselves and us as all three all mixed into one and that’s cool in my book I just think that living it through an ancient belief feels more soulful that plain old psychology.”
“Me too.” I do feel better and it’s sort of made the walk there a bit less nerve wracking right up until we get to that point of where we can see the house.
Oh Gulp…
It’s a thousand long hard paces to get home and I’m feeling every one of them. “You know as scared as I’m feeling this is a perfect mood for this time of year…all I need is a creepy sound track playing in the background.”
They both chuckle but M.J. laces her fingers in with mine and squeezes and that helps a lot.
We come into the yard and I see Dad. He and Mark are shooting hoops and he grin-pants. “Hey girls we’ll be right in I’ve got him on the ropes!”
Mark does that. “Pfft…as if Old man.” And he tries to get around Dad to score and as he does he’s looking at me for a second pretty intensely.
Oh my stomach…I have no idea what that look meant? And Dad said girls was that to include me too?
We head inside and take our shoes off and Mom’s there and she’s leaning on the kitchen door waiting for us and doing the nerved up two handed coffee cup clench.
She’s looking at me and I bite…no…that’s bad for the lipstick…I take a breath and look at her.
“Hey mom….”
“Wow…I mean…just…”
“Mom…?” Oh that came out a little worried and almost whiny.
“Oh honey it’s not a bad thing it’s just you really took me off guard with how you look.” As she says that she crossed the hall to come over and hug me.
(Sniffle.) “Really?”
“Yes really your Aunt did an awesome job.”
“Yeah though the hair’s kinda complicated.” (Sniffle.)
“Well she can show me after supper and we can practice.”
“Really?” (Sniffle.)
“Yep, they really aren’t going to have any idea what hit them this year.”
“Good winning would actually be really cool.”
“You know what would be pretty cool?”
(Sniffle.) “What?”
“If you’d be into learning some of the stuff that I grew up with learning from my mom and my grandmother.”
(Sniffle.) And I hug her a little-lot tighter. “I’d really like that.”
“Good, I tried to pass some of that on to your brothers but they’d rather do their own thing that hang with their mom and do girl stuff so I hope you don’t mind that I’m going to take advantage.”
“No…that’d be so cool.”
We hug some more and then we all head into the kitchen and Aunt Els and Mary Jane follow and there’s hugs shared all around by all and Mom looks at me. “You want to start now?”
“Okay like what?”
She takes out this book that’s like one of those old time cloth bound accounting books and she turns through until she finds a recipe. “You want to help make the sauce?”
“Definitely!”
You have to understand my mother makes the best spaghetti sauce I’ve ever had. And getting to learn how is a seriously cool thing.
Mom and Aunt Elsbeth open a bottle of wine and they’re drinking and supervising and there’s some serious steps to this. Dicing celery, onion and carrots up and holding green and red peppers in tongs until we roast and burn the outer skins and the put then in a Ziploc bag. The skins actually come right off them as you let them sit for a bit.
The it’s cooking the veggies first in olive oil and then when they get soft adding the garlic and while doing that cooking Italian sausage meat…just the filling in the main pot until it browns and gets all crusty and crunchy and then we add the veggies and break that up and then several cans of tomatoes and a can of tomato paste and stir and stir and stir and then the peppers go in after we cut them up fairly fine and then we add extra lean ground beef.
We use the extra lean so there’s very little fat to come out since there’s enough coming out from the sausage and according to Mom we don’t want to muddle the flavor to death of the sausage since we want that fennel seed and spice flavor.
We’re stirring while mom does the rest. One of the things that we do and this is from Dad is we have mushrooms with our pasta buy not in the sauce but pan fried and sliced thickly and they get tossed with flour and dried basil and garlic powder before they’re friend and browned off and when we serve it all up there’s a lot of mushrooms and it’s tossed right in with the cooked spaghetti.
Mom only stumbles on my name three or four times in the whole conversation that we’re having as we’re cooking otherwise she calls me Stephanie more and more and even Steph a few times.
It is as amazing as it sounds to feel that accepted and that things might not completely fly apart at the seams.
Then its supper and it’s a bit late at that close to seven by the time we sit down and I’m helping take things into the dining room and I’m settling out the ricotta and the roasted cloves of garlic in olive oil for eating with bread when I see the twins and they see me.
Billy stares. “Steven!?”
God I want to say no and correct him.
“Yes, but dressed call me Stephanie.”
Bobby. “Steph-fairy.” And he laughs.
Billy is still giving me the squinty eye. “That’s just fucking weird.”
Bobby nods. “Dude, M.J. better fuckin appreciate you doing this.”
Yick…don’t call me dude.
The Billy hit’s Bobby with a punch in the arm. “Ass shut it.”
“What?” Bobby…
“You know what.” Billy….
“Huh?” Bobby…
They do the twins telepathy thing and it’s more like watching two chimps trying to get a message across only I’d put my money on the chimps figuring it out sooner.
Then Bobby’s like. “Ohh…”
I’m trying to figure out what they’re not saying and the Dad and mark come in and Dad gives me a one armed hug. “Lookin good kiddo so you think that you’ll be able to do this on your own?”
“With practice, I’ll need some help though.”
“You’ll get there; I almost didn’t recognize you when you three walked up.”
“Good start then Daddy?”
Dad and Mark and the twins are all staring at me like I just grew tentacles.
Ow…just ow…
The others come in and the twins are sort of being restrained assholes and they’re hitting each other now and them and Mark hasn’t really said too much to me or about me looking like this but just sort of stares at me every once in awhile and it’s sort of scary.
I mean he’s three almost four years older than me him kind of ignoring me or being an ass when he’s bored is the norm. I’m really, really not used to the scrutiny.
We talk about school though and Mom sort of started it by asking if Liz had started up anything during lunch at it went from there to the stuff about the dance and I’m slipping into girl talk as that comes out and the make over and the costume ideas.
Mark gets up as the makeover stuff starts up and grabs Billy and Bobby. “I’ll make coffee and we’ll do the dishes.”
Bobby’s like… “What! Hey they’re the girls let them do the kitchen stuff!”
Mark… “They cooked, we clean.”
Billy… “Since when?”
Mark… “Since right now.”
And I’m kind of watching in a little bit of whoa as he uses knock off of the Mom-Fu Vulcan ear pinch called the big brother back of the neck clamp and leads them into the kitchen.
I blink a few times. “What was that?”
Dad grins. “New girlfriend.”
“And she’s a wild animal trainer?”
Dad nods. “He’s not going out with the guys this weekend he’s staying home to help and she’s coming over here.”
Mom perks up. “Good! About time.” She has had issues with some of Mark’s girlfriends before and he’s never brought on home.
Aunt Elsbeth is chuckling. “He’s found that one then.”
I look at her. “That one?”
“That first girl that really makes being with a girl more than about getting into her panties. This is the girl he wants to like him.”
“Oh so is he mad because I’m doing this?” I look at Dad.
“If he is he never mentioned it to me.”
Drat, dammit!
We get back to the conversation and Mark brings out the cups and the whole pot of coffee and the sugar and creamer for all of us and some of the sweets from the kitchen and there’s another look from him to me and I almost hunch and then he’s gone and it takes me a few brooding minutes to get back to the conversation.
Mom actually takes command of the dining room as we go over the thing with my hair again and a few times after that and then she smiles at me.
“I have a surprise for you.”
“For me?”
“Yep, let’s go to your room.”
“Okay…can M.J. come too?”
“Sure.”
We all head up to my room and I’m not sure what to expect but when we get inside my room is a little different. One they changed the shade on my room light and it’s kind of pretty it’s one of those glass tray looking ones that’s frosted white but now it’s been painted with violets and daisies and blue roses.
It’s something pretty in my room.
And it’s not the only thing.
My room is still the same but there’s one of those standing full length mirrors and my desk is now a vanity with a mirror and it’s old and looks second hand and then some but it’s there and it’s mine and there’s sort of girly sheets on my bed…not girly but plain solid colors only it’s this pastel cross between blue and a soft purple.
“Mom…this…this is really cool.”
“Well there were some things that if you were going to do this Steph that a girl just needs.”
I nod kind of still stunned and right on the edge of happy tears but I’m trying to hold it in because I’m only playing at being me right now and stuff.
I want to tell them…but with stuff that happened already tonight with my brothers…but this, this is actually pretty cool.
Mom hugs me anyways. “Hey…there are clothes too to get you started.”
“What clothes where!”
Masks Chapter 14
*Before…
“Mom…this…this is really cool.”
“Well there were some things that if you were going to do this Steph that a girl just needs.”
I nod kind of still stunned and right on the edge of happy tears but I’m trying to hold it in because I’m only playing at being me right now and stuff.
I want to tell them…but with stuff that happened already tonight with my brothers…but this, this is actually pretty cool.
Mom hugs me anyways. “Hey…there are clothes too, to get you started.”
“What clothes where!”
*And Now…
Mom laughs and she points. “Over by your closet. You’d think that you were a little excited at the mention of clothes.”
Ow…ow…teenaged girl must fight the weepy side.
But the squishy side of the force is strong right now.
Oh ow Mom…you’re more awesome than you know.
And the thing is that I can’t…I just can’t freak out right now.
….the power of this battle station pales in the comparison of the coolness of these super cute boots.
No seriously there’s these awe…some calf high leather boots with a chunky heel there that should fit me on the floor outside my closet on the floor.
Mary Jane looks at me and it’s this secret thumbs up look. I can feel she’s excited too.
I go to the closet and I open it and the boxes that Mom had at lunch are there and I open them up and there’s a lot of clothes in them all of them girls clothes.
“Mom?”
She’s smiling. “I had to seriously wash them but they’re mine. Some of them might be too big for you but there’s a lot of stuff that’ll fit or make do. I had these since college before I had your brother Mark.
I put on a wry smile. “College huh? You check all the pockets?” I lean over and sniff the boxes.
Mom turns beet red and Aunt Els is chuckling.
I know I’m not being very Steven but I’m running my hands over the boots. “These are nice why aren’t you wearing them anymore?”
“Age, they’ll fit my feet but not my calves.”
I sit on the floor and pull them on. They’re a bit loose on me. “I might have to wear these with them over my jeans.”
I try getting up and it’s a bit wobbly with the heels, it’s actually harder than getting up off my butt with skates. Mom and Aunt Els take an arm and pull me up and I’m grinning.
“Oh whoa I’m so tall.”
Mom grins. “We usually don’t put on heels like that on the floor honey, try some steps.”
I walk around my room and it’s touchstone level stuff really, good leather gripping my calves, the height and the angle and the sound that my feet are making.
You ever see a girl wearing something you almost ache to be able to wear? Boots these are real boots not clunks that guys wear.
It’s like my heart’s getting to make pixie steps.
I can feel the heels thing in my calves and thighs right up to the way they make my butt feel as I move. Walking is easier than I thought it would be just getting up was hard.
“So… what do you think?”
I bite my lower lip since the foods killed off my lipstick. “I had no idea what wearing a pair of quality boots would feel like. These are so much better than the way you feel wearing a pair of hiking boots or work boots.”
“Yeah there’s nothing like a great pair of boots kiddo, rough on the feet though after a few hours.”
“You’re really not supposed to wear these for that long mom.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah like heels period they’re about the look and the feel not the function.”
She’s looking at me and I’m blushing. Maybe I took this a little far?
But Mom’s nodding. “That’s so true that’s why I wear sneakers a lot too. But when you want that femme-in-style feeling then we got to deal. Though a wedge is a lot easier to wear for longer though especially in a good boot.”
I’m nodding but inside I’m just soaking this in.
Girl talk, real girl talk about stuff that matters to us.
Oh the ones that are all hyper about girls being sexualized and stuff they talk a good game but really there’s a lot about our own sense of selves in things that make us feel pretty and attractive. I can’t deny how important that is to me.
When you’re on the outside looking in, when you’re denied all of that you’re like a flower in this dark dry place.
Starved.
“Steph?” Mom…Mom calling my name.
I blink. “Uhm yeah sorry just thinking.”
“About what honey?”
“Being a girl, what it means and stuff.”
“And?”
I look at her. “I need to know more really.” Then I kind of shyly shrug.
Part of me really want’s to come clean with her, with Dad.
“Well there’s one good way to get deeply into it honey.”
“Really?”
“Let’s see what fits right? Outfits and looks are pretty important with girls kiddo it’s the first thing we say about ourselves in a day to other people.”
“I…uhm…okay.”
I swear she’s smiling so much it hurts me a little.
God Mom I really do wish I was your little girl…born your little girl.
We dig out the boxes and Mom sends us down to the kitchen for girl supplies. I make a pot of tea that mom wanted with orange peel and dried strawberries and some cream and some of Mom’s pumpkin stuff and back up to my room and Mom’s got a bottle that she and Aunt Els is adding to their tea while M.J. and I have our and we are starting to listen to some of music off the computer.
There’s skirts and lots of them and while Mom was very hippy until she had Mark some don’t fit me but fit Mary Jane better and that’s awesome. I mean the one thing that’s as cool as finding something cute that fits you is when it doesn’t but fits your friend.
It as much fun helping play dress up as it is playing dress up.
There’s sweaters and tee-shirts and there’s a small fortune in those, vintage tee’s are really in from what I’ve read online.
Changing though…It’s scary and not at the same time.
I mean it’s mostly me and M.J. but seeing M.J.’s body makes me shy and ache to look like that and then there’s the fact of my biology…and getting down to my bra and panties is nerve wracking and scary.
Then Aunt Els starts trying on stuff too and she strips off her top and is only in her bra.
Oh holy…I wish I looked like that.
Mom’s like…. “Elsbeth!”
Aunt Els grins. “What Nancy? They’re boobs, they’re not that scary and we’re all girls here and the girls are sort of uncomfortable.”
That’s true for me but M.J.?
Actually looking at her yes. She’s so put together that I forget that she never asked for this at all. She’s blushing from her mom getting topless and herself being tagged as being uncomfortable too.
“But…..okay yeah you’re right and (She looks at us.) you girls need to learn that obsessing about stuff like body image.”
She’s including me in that?
It’s only sexual in the fact we’re sort of embracing that whole girls and women thing and Aunt Els is even that brave that she is powerfully unapologetic about the fact that she’s not a teenager or a young twenty something and still she’s just amazing.
I want that too, like her and Mom.
They’re both so powerful in being the women they are and I love this.
Of course Aunt Els joins in the whole getting changed and trying things on and she score a couple of the shirts that won’t fit me or Mary Jane and we’re talking about the clothes and changing up how they look and what can be paired with what and looking I the mirror and even striking the odd pose or two just being silly.
No, I know everyday girls don’t do this everyday or even close to it but it’s something that we do actually do.
The entire time is Stephanie and Her and all the right pronouns. It’s actually later than we all thought by the time the first yawn happens.
We sort of pack up the stuff from the kitchen and we head downstairs and there’s hugs and stuff and M.J. and I hook pinkies and there’s part of me that does this shaky sigh as we close the door.
I’m home alone in girl mode with my parents.
Gulp….
Mom hugs me suddenly really, really tightly. “Oh thank you so much for doing this with Mary Jane honey! And for me, gosh I haven’t really just had a night like this since Elsbeth took sick a couple years back and had to stay over.”
God I hated her leaving but Aunt Elsbeth had been working in a nursing home and got hit when they had something called Norwalk run through the place.
I was alone for real that week.
I hug here back and take a deep breath.
“Can I wear my hair to bed?”
“Sure just let me show you how to wear it so you don’t end up fighting with it.”
“Mom?”
“Yes honey?”
“You really had a good time?”
“I did.”
“I did too, I mean this whole thing isn’t bad y’know.”
“I know honey, I’m a girl and there’s nothing wrong with being a girl.”
“Mom?”
“Yes honey?”
“You know that you’re really beautiful right?”
She looks at me and she blushes and we hug again and head upstairs and Mark’s in the kitchen as late as it is on his phone but talking quietly on it and there’s a smile there on his face that’s different than the others I’ve seen.
If it is one of those girls that’d be awesome and there’s part of me that does this girl-sigh just at the romantic thoughts of it all.
We get back to my room and I stop and just take it all in. They didn’t change much like I said but the color change of the lighting and the bed sheets is just.
“Mom? Are you sure you guys are good with this and that it’s not me going overboard?”
“It’s a good idea Steph, this’ll get you prepared for the contest plus you’ll get to live part time in someone else’s boots and it’ll be good for your brothers to have a sister. They need to get exposed up close to a girl.”
“Mom…you’re a girl.”
We sit at MY vanity desk and she’s showing me with her hair how to pin it up to avoid the tangles as we talk.
“I’m their mom I almost don’t count.”
“They’re going to be Butt’s about it aren’t they?”
“Likely but we can kick that out of them. Heck we need to, just think of the pain we’ll be saving their future girlfriends.”
“Yick…Mom I don’t even want to think about those two dating.”
She laughs. “Me either some Steph, I’ll need a gas mask for the cologne if they get as bad as Mark with the stuff.”
I giggle. “I know right what’s the point of taking her someplace to eat if all she can taste is Axe body spray.”
She and I both laugh. “They come by it naturally, it’s genetic.”
“Really, Dad doesn’t gag you.”
“No but my Dad did, he had this stuff called Hi-Karate…it was concentrated disco.”
“Ewww…”
She nods and then we’re done and she helps me put my things away in my closet and how to hang them up. We don’t say a whole lot but we’re just sort of having one of those don’t need to moments.
Once we’re done I set my clock and then get my make-up bag to go to the bathroom and take the rest of my make-up off.
Mom gives me another hug. I like hugs, and Stephanie is getting more of them than Steven does. I sigh into it…hugs are important. Hugs keep you from flying apart sometimes.
Sometimes I feel like I’m flying apart all the time.
She lets me go and gives me this smile that’s sad, sweet…just kind of different. “I’ll see You after school Steph.”
Yes she stressed You…like me…not Steven.
Yay?
I’m not sure just what to think about that?
I clean my face and brush my teeth and slip into bed. Ohhh…softer sheets, nice thread count and the smell. They just smell nice, like baby powder and dryer sheets. I leave my light on…I want to be able to see all of this whenever I open my eyes tonight…it means that much.
Masks Chapter 15
*Before…
Mom gives me another hug. I like hugs, and Stephanie is getting more of them than Steven does. I sigh into it…hugs are important. Hugs keep you from flying apart sometimes.
Sometimes I feel like I’m flying apart all the time.
She lets me go and gives me this smile that’s sad, sweet…just kind of different. “I’ll see You after school Steph.”
Yes she stressed You…like me…not Steven.
Yay?
I’m not sure just what to think about that?
I clean my face and brush my teeth and slip into bed. Ohhh…softer sheets, nice thread count and the smell. They just smell nice, like baby powder and dryer sheets. I leave my light on…I want to be able to see all of this whenever I open my eyes tonight…it means that much.
*And Now…
I did fall asleep…and honestly as late as it was getting to bed I slept really well and waking up…stretching and feeling my bra, my underwear and then taking my hair down and shake my hair out and just spend a few minutes being me waking up as me before I get up and start to get ready.
I’ll admit that I’m procrastinating and make my bed and then get my clothes ready for the day and I hate it, hate it sooo much as I take off my bra and panties and then my hair.
I cry taking off my hair.
I so get the hair cut cry.
You know what really sucks it’s the boy cut short hair! It almost chokes me with the whole having to have that kind of hair cut. Now…now I’m not just feeling the girly hair thing but also I’m feeling that transgirl pain of it.
Hair’s something that…it’s all we have some times and then there’s the girls that can’t…Ugh…what a shitty way to start the day.
I still get to the shower first and I cry while I’m there…I don’t want to do this…it sucks washing off the way I should smell. At least my regular stuff is gender neutral…ish.
It takes my in the morning facial ritual to get calmed down.
This wasn’t a one shot.
I get to come home to this.
I get out of the bathroom and Billy and Bobby are up and they look at me. There’s a shake of their heads and they force me to go between them in the hall and I flinch and of course it’s this dick headed shove and shove and Bobby punches me in the thigh for a Charlie-horse.
“Ow! Asshole!”
“That’s for flinching.”
“Why are you such an asshole?” I hiss at him.
Billy shoves me. “Because we’re twins and older than you Steffie.”
“So you have to be assholes just because of that? And don’t call me Steffie…It’s not my name.”
They snort and keep going like they just don’t care and that this burst of roughness and being assholes is something to be expected. “Yeah.” Billy says. “Can’t let Bobby get ahead y’know. Suck it up buttercup.”
“Yeah don’t get yer knickers in a twist!” Bobby shouts and guffaws at his idea of that being funny.
I fast limp and head to my room and run into Mark who’s already dressed and stuff and headed downstairs.
“Sorry…”
He looks at me then down the hall. “Don’t sweat it okay? You’re alright y’know for a little brother or sister…whatever…” He starts heading downstairs and stops looking like he’s thinking. “You’re like Stephanie Potter okay and you just got to learn how to deal with Crabbe and Goyle.”
Blink, blink…what?
He used my name.
Okay he was really uncertain about it but he sort of went there and…
“You’ve read Harry Potter?”
He blushes. “Yeah, Jenn won’t date me on the weekends unless I finish her reading list.”
“I…uhm…what?”
“She’s different okay…Jeeze.” He stomps off the rest of the way downstairs in his usual biggest brother rumble.
Okay I’m bemused enough that it takes my mind off Crabbe and Goyle…such a good term for those two.
She’s making Mark read.
And he’s doing it.
Mark’s…he’s not a reader. I mean I’ve never really seen more than four or five books in his room and the rest is like magazines. He’s a car guy, even more than dad is. I mean dad’s a guy’s guy and likes cars like that but Mark’s into it.
Other than that it’s typical other guy stuff.
I really have to find out what Jenn he’s dating?
I get dressed in my heavy blah stuff and try to make it look good. Jeans and a t-shirt then a red flannel over that but unbuttoned. No it’s not grunge it’s October and this sort of is kind of a thing we do. Well Dad wears his like this too and I guess it stuck and I grab my sneakers but I just stuff the laces inside them for now.
I get my books and stuff and take a last look at my room and I head downstairs to get my stuff ready for the day while the twins are fighting in the bathroom. Dad’s up and the coffee is made and he’s making potato and egg and bacon sandwiches. It’s a bit of chopped up bacon then grated potatoes and he fries them like a hash brown but makes a nest for the egg. Served on toast with some mayo and sliced tomato they’re really good.
I text M.J. [You eat breakfast yet.]
[…?]
[You awake?]
[No, I’m human.]
[You want me to bring breakfast?]
[Yes.]
[And coffee?]
[Yes.]
[LOL, TTFN.]
She sends me a big frowny face sticker ad I smile and look at dad. “One to go please.” I bite into mine and chew while looking for lunch.
Hmm…something light. I don’t really want to feed the beast…that’s my whole guy puberty body y’know.
I do like the fact we have a well stocked house and we’re not hurting for cash. I chop some cucumber and zucchini and diced some celery and then get some cherry tomatoes and sort of toss it all together and add some salt, pepper and olive oil and there’s just something…I add some shaved pumpkin we have in there. Yes you can eat it raw and then just some lemon juice to offset the oil.
Dad tries it. “Mmmm…like a fall or Thanksgiving salsa.”
“Really?” I get a bing in my brain and I grab some zip lock bags and I hit the pantry getting some tortilla chips in one and some almond slices and dried cranberries in the other.
Dad grins at me. “We’re so stealing that for Thanksgiving next year.”
“Be good for the party too.” I grin back and take my thermos with the coffee in it he just poured for me.
“Hey good idea Spor….Kiddo.” He stopped himself, it was kind of nice. I still am not fond of kiddo but I’ll still take it. I pack my lunch and an apple for desert.
Y’know I’m kind of proud of this, it’s like totally vegan.
Mind you I’m not but at the same time I think it’s like a really good thing for me to learn to like that stuff. I don’t want to get fat and I don’t want to get all bulky either even if I have to like switch to this stuff more and more.
Seriously I get these nightmares of that kind of stuff sometimes where I start hulking out and not in the great She-hulk way.
I give Dad a hug and he one arms me back and I head off to meet M.J.
It’s a little earlier than before and I stop in that lot and take off my sneakers and just step into the dewy grass and breathe.
Breathe and hold my coffee travel cup in both hands and wait for the light to brighten it doesn’t get really to light here now until about ten past seven.
I’m not even sure what I’m doing but the chilly dew, the ground it’s nice. I just try to feel that moment from yesterday and just sort of let the stuff from my morning go away.
“Hey Mother Earth, thanks for listening okay?”
Hokey yeah but she’s supposed to listen to all of us here on this spinning blue ball right?
Couldn’t hurt right?
Actually by the time I get my sneakers back on and head to M.J.‘s I feel a little better.
Maybe I should’ve found a release before huh?
Aunt Els getting into her jeep as I’m walking into the driveway and she leans out the window as she’s backing out. “She’s up but was in the shower.” She tosses me a key.
“What’s this?”
“Your key.”
“My key?”
“Yep, told you, you have a place here.”
“Thanks have a good day at work!”
“Same for school honey!”
She takes off and I let myself in that means so much that I have a key. It’s really this huge gesture of both caring and trust and safety.
My key, having a safe place here.
I’m really, really lucky.
I slip into the kitchen and get M.J.‘s sandwich on a plate and I make us two coffee’s from the stuff here. I really love the fact that there’s these girl things here. Like the hazelnut and French vanilla creamers here that are kind of a girl thing and I sigh and have mine and sort of soak up the vibe of the house until Mary Jane comes down.
Oh wow.
She’s wearing a dress.
Okay she’s wearing tights or leggings with the dress and they look really good with her in this yellow dress with this fall leaves sort of print with these brown eyed susan flowers that sort of make the yellow the background color but the fall colors just are perfect with her hair and the tights are black and she has a black zip front hoodie that just goes together.
“Wow you look amazing.”
“Really?” She blushes.
“Yeah, you’re going to make a serious splash with this.”
“I’m not trying to, I just want to…”
“You want to show them that see wow!”
“I….”
I grin at her. “Hey, damned if you do and damned if you don’t right? They’re going to be pissy and jealous anyways so go for it. Then you can dress down when you want to later this is like the first week of school for you.”
Mary Jane’s blushing some more but takes the coffee I made. “Do I suck for wanting to wow them?”
“Hell no, and if they have a problem then they really have a problem. It’s not like you’re dressing like a skank.”
“Thanks Steph, I needed to hear that.”
“We’re girlfriends.”
I love the smile she gives me. “Yeah…”
We grab our stuff and head to the bus stop. I love that big oversized leather jacket on her. I would so love to be able to get a jacket like that.
Heck I’d love just to be like her just a little.
Okay, in that dreamy sort of jealous way. I know Mary Jane’s as messed up as me in her own ways. Just some of the stuff she’s said.
And not said she hasn’t mentioned her Dad at all.
We hang around at the bus stop and the others show. Ricky’s staring at M.J.’s boobs again while Becky did exactly what I did and OMG’d over the dress and I refill our coffee’s from my thermos and we talk.
I can’t help it Becky looks good too.
Yeah more friend jealous there.
She’s slender but has a great bum, she’s got some native in her from a great grandparent or something I think I remember from one of her class projects and it’s just given her that sort of dusky natural tan look. Add in the big brown eyes and long straight brown hair and she’s that kinda pretty like in that doesn’t need to try way.
I see the boots she’s wearing just above cut ankle runched suede.
I resist the girl out and still get out. “Rocking boots.”
“Oh yeah I know right!”
We talk about them and where she got them and I get involved by playing the guy that’s asking questions and offering like guy neutral comments. Like “Are the comfortable?” They have a chunky low heel so they might. “They go nice with your hair.”
And M.J. backs me up with stuff like. “Steven finds in interesting that we match stuff to our hair.”
And it’s not that hard for me to get involved in the conversation as teenaged girls really sort of want teenaged guys to get it.
I have no idea though about the guy/girl thing since I’ve never really been able to go there in my head with my gender issues. I’ve read that effects the whole sex drive when you’re not thinking about that stuff.
It’s hard to be into girls when you need to be one. And guys…well apart from my own personal sense of Yick being one on the outside…I’ve seen the whole levels of grossness that the Male-Mystique entails.
Amber gets on the bus at her stop and she heads over to us and this huge grin comes across her face.
“We got it, we got the dance!”
It’s hard and painful to not be in the whole girl burst of cheers. I want to be part of this…I want to be included.
“When?” I ask my voice is tight.
“This weekend on Saturday.” Amber tucks some of her blonde hair back and sips her drink. We all tend to drink something hot on the way to school.
“What kind of dance are we doing?”
“Costumes we were thinking.”
“Wow that might be rough with the contest the week after and Halloween.”
Amber nods. “We talked about all of that and it’s because they won’t let us have in on Halloween night and that week will be too close with a bunch of other stuff so we took this Saturday and costumes will be optional but encouraged.”
Mary Jane adds in…. “So is it going to be announced today? It’s like only giving people four days to get ready.”
“Well it’s not the contest so no big.”
I look at her. “Maybe we should though. I think I can get Dad and some of his friends to pony up some cash.”
Mary Jane grins. “Mom too she might be able to give prizes.”
The girls are all ears and I grin. “Aunt Els does hair and make up.”
M.J.’s texting. “And Mom just said that she’ll put in coupons for a free shampoo and cut plus one for a card reading.”
? Card reading…?
But Becky is all. “OGM you’re mom does Tarot! That’s so cool!”
Oh…Those kind of cards.
Mary Jane grins and says. “Yeah Tarot and tea leaves and all that stuff she’s pretty well versed in it all.”
We end up talking about that stuff trough the rest of the ride to school and I’m texting Dad and of course he’s all for it and then some.
I look at the girls once we’re at school and getting off the bus. “Dad says the shop is in for fifty dollars for the best two costumes like twenty five for each and he’ll get four cases of drinks for us too.”
Okay I’m not allowed to Squee since it’s guyboden but I am girl mobbed and Amber gives me a really big hug. “Can I put that up?”
“Yeah he’s good for it.”
“Thanks Steven you’re the best!”
Yeah….the best…it’s a good mask, lots of practice.
She kisses my cheek before heading off at a quick pace with Rachel in tow and I’m like…huh…she kissed my cheek.
No girl’s ever done that outside of Mom.
Yay?
I’m feeling something, I just don’t know what.
M.J. Hip bumps me and mouths. “Lez?”
……………..!
I turn beet red.
Ohmigod my face is hot.
Masks Chapter 16
*Before…
She kisses my cheek before heading off at a quick pace with Rachel in tow and I’m like…huh…she kissed my cheek.
No girl’s ever done that outside of Mom.
Yay?
I’m feeling something, I just don’t know what.
M.J. Hip bumps me and mouths. “Lez?”
……………..!
I turn beet red.
Ohmigod my face is hot.
*And Now…
I swallow and follow Mary Jane giving her the angry ‘Ooh you rat’ look and she’s grinning and walking backwards as we head inside and to our lockers.
I open mine and switch stuff in and out and I check my face in the little mirror I have there. Okay good the red is starting to fade.
Yeesh….it’s not like Amber kissed me kissed me and I’ve never had that happen to me before.
Mary Jane lean thumps beside me her books for her classes in her arms. “You like her?”
“Oh my gawd, jeeze she kissed me on the cheek and I turned red…I’ve never been kissed before…”
“Still haven’t.”
“Exactly don’t you read too much into this…I have enough problems okay?’
She raises her hands. “Okay, okay I’m just teasing you. C’mon you should’ve seen the look on your face.”
I’m blushing again some I can feel it. “I was not expecting that, I wasn’t expecting to get kissed.”
“I know and like I said it was just teasing.”
I start walking because we still have homeroom and they do attendance and stuff she’s with me since she’s headed the same way. “Mary Jane?”
“Yeah…?”
“What do you think that she meant by that?”
“By the kiss?”
“Yeah….”
“I don’t know you actually knew Amber more than I do at this point.”
“I know but I just don’t know. I mean did she do it as a thanks, or was she excited and it’s something that she does or does she like ‘Me’ and have no idea who I really am and was like just taking advantage of the chance to like take a chance of her own?”
I take a breath and M.J.’s staring at me and then she’s smiling.
“What?”
“You just girlied that one right out of the park.”
“Huh?”
“Only a girl could have pulled off that level of complex multi-tasking what-if’s in the same breath.”
I blink a few times and blush again but I’m grinning some myself. “Really?”
“Yes…really.”
She’s smiling and I smile back and we hug and head off to our own places and I feel better from just that much but still sort of confused a little since that really didn’t answer any of those questions that I asked and I know that I might be overthinking all of this stuff but I can’t help it.
She kissed me.
Okay it was on the cheek and she could have been all excited and stuff because she sure sounded like it but then again it could just be Amber.
I actually don’t really know any of the girls in my school that much except for Liz and that’s mostly because Liz was sort of stalking me to be her trophy boyfriend.
No thanks.
Yick.
And there’s another question.
If she kissed me then what the heck would she do if she ever found out about the real me?
I know some of the other girls like me are lez and the stay under their masks and hide all their lives in the closet but I’m so not sure if I can survive a life like that.
I’m not sure that I could lie to a girl I was in love with if…if I liked girls.
I mean lying to them all of our lives?
Sigh…just great big complicated sighs.
I’m too young to have all this stuff in my life!
The dance stuff comes over the announcements and the stuff for the contest prizes with a few more added by others I think there’s like ten in total and ranging from Dad’s donated prizes to free rentals from one of the video places here in town.
And that’s got the buzz going after the announcements an after first bell and I head off to math listening to the guys who are kinda meh about the dance since they’re teen guys and a dance is just something to kinda sorta maybe be around girls and the girls.
They’re in excited panic mode. They’re excited because as the middle school we don’t have a whole lot of dances compared to the high school kids and there’s a contest too but more importantly its Ohmigawd there’s only like four days until the dance and its clothes, hair and costumes but it’s also dates.
Dates are a big thing when you’re a teen girl.
While it might not be boyfriend and girlfriend stuff it is this whole semi right of passage thing and it is this kind of girl power social hierarchy thing too.
Teen girls have this kind of need to have this sort of pecking order.
Okay teens and people do in general but it’s kind of like all the points that you have in middle school translates into how high school will be for you.
And I’m excluded out from all of it which sucks.
I want to go to the dance and I want to go as myself.
I get through math without too many distractions and then off to computer class and that I’m actually good enough at that I get the stuff that we’re doing done. It’s site surfing to get information without using wikis and being able to back up the information that we find.
It wasn’t too hard to look up stuff for Niagara Falls.
So the rest of the class I’m web surfing and I’m looking at stuff for Halloween but not just for the contest but for the dance too.
I actually have some pretty good ideas for my costume for the contest and Halloween but the dance.
God, god, god…and goddess too I suppose really.
I want to go to this so much and just have fun but can I do it?
Can I pull off going as me for this dance? I mean it’s a costume dance and stuff and I could but then what the heck would I say about actual Halloween and would I even ‘blow peoples minds’ like I’ve sort of been saying that I wanted to.
I’m looking at these pretty things in some online catalogs and store sites all the way to morning break.
I head to my locker and I meet up with Mary Jane and Holly Stonehouse and we head to the cafeteria for break.
Liz sweeps past us talking on her headset phone like she’s the queen bee and Dana Calder and Sarah Doncaster her two little sycophants are trailing in her wake. She turns a corner and does this flick of her head and I’m eating hair.
Sputter, sputter…
“Yick jeeze Liz use enough product.”
She turns and she looks at me and at M.J. and she gets this bitchy look on her face.
“You shouldn’t be stalking me then Steven.”
“Oh please I cannot even get close to the level of masochism that would be required for something like that besides between Uh and Huh your plate’s pretty full.”
They are all looking at me with this look of both anger and confusion.
I should’ve known that was over their heads.
Liz whips herself around again and stalks away. “What-ever.”
Dana and Sarah follow and their total retorts were to stick their tongues out at us.
Mary Jane quips at them. “You shouldn’t do that you look like lesbians with hard-ons”
They Eeep and slap their hands over their mouths and heel click off after Liz.
I roll my eyes. “Wow they really need to get lives.”
Mary Jane does that tippy-toe girl thrust up and says. “Uh…Huh!” in this high pitched ditzy voice.
“See…you got it.”
“Well Der, then again my brain actually works.”
I grin and we slip into the cafeteria and are waved over by Becky and Rachel.
We get some cookies and share them and I have to have milk with mine just because they’re best that way and we talk about the dance and who might be wearing what and Becky’s going to play her complexion up and maybe go as Pocahontas and Rachel is actually thinking of going as super-girl since she apparently can get her hands on a killer costume.
Mary Jane’s eating and she’s doing that still thinking bit while she chews and she shrugs I’m not sure yet there’s not a lot of like choices for red heads.
Becky’s like… “The girl from Brave?”
M.J. frowns… “Been like done to death by other redheads.”
Rachel grins… “You really want to knock them dead?”
We’re both looking eyebrows raised.
She smiles. “Jessica Rabbit.”
M.J. groans… “That’s just as bad isn’t it?”
Becky nods. “But…the dress.”
Rachel points at M.J.’s chest. “And you have the boobs.”
Mary Jane blushes. “That’s kinda of not what I want to exactly be know for in this school. I always get nailed with that.”
Randy goes past. “Get a blonde wig and do Dolly Parton.”
The girls all throw wadded up napkins at him and he grins with this guy shrug.
“Hey am I right Steven?”
“Oh no keep me out of that pot of sexist trouble.”
“It’s not sexist she could do it and it’d be fun.”
Mary Jane crosses her arms in the female powering up the scornatron way. “Fun?”
“Yeah you can do all that fake southern stuff like ‘kiss my grits’ and ‘ain’t you sweet’ and all that funny hee-haw Dr. Phil stuff.”
“No…..thanks.”
I tilt my head and look at her bite my lip. I then lean over and whisper in her ear.
“Madhatter….like Johnny Dep played.”
Her eyes go wide. “Oh yeah that would so work!”
Becky’s looking. “What would?”
We both carouse. “It’s a secret!”
Okay this is getting fun again.
I’m so going as Alice.
And I don’t care what they say; I can say that it was a practice run for Halloween.
The bell rings and we’re off to classes and the whole English then Woodshop…I’m once again wishing that I could go into Home Ec. across the hall even more so when I hear the girls all excited and laughing and asking their teacher if they can work on their costumes.
There’s a cheer that she must of said yes.
Aaargh stupid boy life!
It takes me awhile to get into the groove of class and sanding actually helps. I do that a lot helping Dad and there’s just something so serene or at least soothing about feeling the smooth wood and I actually love that smell.
Art’s next and my mood gets a bit better when I have that with Becky who is her usual chatter box as we work she’s actually just painting her stuff then she’s looking up Pocahontas and the looks and other stuff for her costume and I’m making more pumpkins and I lean over her shoulder. “Hey can you keep a secret?”
“Sure!” She looks at me her eyes all lit up.
“Can you look up costumes for the Alice in Wonderland movie?”
“Yes sure….oooohhh…cool. M.J.’s gonna need a wig though Alice is a blonde.”
“Mad Hatter isn’t though he’s got sort of red hair.”
She clicks onto the links and brings stuff up and her head whips around and her mouth makes a big O.
I take my hand and push her jaw back up into place. “Shush, it’s a secret remember.”
“But…”
I look at her and she squirms in her seat then settles and grins from ear to ear. “Ohmigawd this is going to be so cool!”
The teacher lets us confab and look stuff up and we bat ideas back and forth and even check out some cosplayer stuff. There’s a lot of girls that do female versions of male characters and there’s some seriously cool ideas.
I take out my own laptop and copy the links and the pictures down before I paint all my pumpkins and let the rest of them dry. I’ve got like two dozen made so now just the stuff inside and a cutting out the faces and a spray of varnish to make them shiny.
I look at Becky. “I figured of your buckskin problem.”
She really wanted to get as close to a real look as she could for her costume. She perks up. “Oh?”
“Shammy cloth.”
“Huh?”
“It’s really kind of felt like but you look and feel it it’s kinda got that texture.”
“But they’re small and yellow.”
“We can dye it but we have a whole bunch of them over at the boat garage and they’re pretty big like towel sized.”
“Oh, that might work but would it be okay?”
“Sure, I’ll bring them in tomorrow ad then you can sew them up in Home Ec.”
Then it’s talking about the look she’ll be going for and like the cut of her top and that stuff until they ring for lunch and we head to the lockers and I get my food and then head to meet the…
Do I sit with the guys or try and sit with Becky and them?
I see M.J. and she’s got her tray and she looks at me. “C’mon lets go sit and talk with the other girls.”
“You sure?”
“Aren’t I supposed to be asking you that?”
I shrug and head over with her to the table where Amber, Rachel, Holly and Becky are plus Toni Fletcher and Bree Saunders both are a grade below us but are on student council with Amber and they’re taking the dance.
Toni’s one of the few black girls in town and she is definitely shy but has that whole super cute earnest thing too. She’s also a little Loli girl too which looks great this time of year but she sort of gets flak for it too the rest of the time.
Loli is that Japanese style that’s kinda sexual but it’s more on the street level of dressing in sweet or gothy was that’s kind of fancy and sexy. Toni’s one of those slender girls that fits right in the body type but I’ve never seen that many black girls into it.
Which is likely the point.
She’s actually got this veil sort of hat and a vest that does the sort of push up thing for her small boobs giving her a little bit of cleavage and the rest is this long almost peasant kind of skirt that looks like slaves might have worn.
Kinda a Loli sexy voodoo save witch thing.
I like it and sit after M.J. and smile at her. “Nice look.”
She bushes and she almost looks at her food and the other girls like help a boy talking to me!
“Uhm…Uhm…thanks…”
Really shy, but I get it.
We’re really white around here with like maybe less than ten percent minority kids and heck most of them are either Asian or East Indian/Middle Eastern decent.
Her thing is her mask, we all wear them.
“It’s okay I’m harmless see?” I take out my food. “Vegan lunch.”
Rachel’s sliding closer sniffing. “Really? Oooohhh most guys are like Ooog need raw meats.”
“I’m not most guys.” I’m not a guy period actually.
I don’t let it get to me as I mix the salsa salad thing up and I add my almond slices and dried cranberries to it and take out my chips.
Rachel’s looking at me with puppy dog eyes. I turn the bag to her ad she takes one and scoops up some and eats it. “Mmmm…tank woo, dif ibs rea goof.”
“Don’t talk and eat it’s not lady like.” I say. I’m grinning because it’s kind of a joke and I set Becky and M.J. off coughing.
Toni nods sagely like it’s a given.
I grin at all of them and we just spend lunch talking about the dance and music taking about decorations and play lists and stuff. I suggest some stuff that gets some looks and I’m a little defensive. “What? Feist is a good singer?”
“You listen to her?”
“Yeah, I like girl bands too. Besides her song *I Feel it All* is pretty cool.”
Rachel nods. “So who else you like?”
“Lots of stuff actually even the really girly stuff isn’t too bad really.”
Toni’s making a face. “Yick.”
Ohmigawd someone else who says that!
Oh and I got my Yick from Danger Girls, I so want to be Abbey Chase. It’s a great comic very Tomb Raider meets Indiana Jones and all mixed up with like The A-Team but really for girls.
I think it’s for girls even though it’s kinda drawn for guys.
We talk all the way through lunch and head off together as the bell rings and the guys are looking at me and I just give then a smile and a shrug.
Let them think what they want, I had a great time at lunch and it felt like I’m fitting in a little bit more.
Oh and my veggie-fall-salsa it goes really, really good with Doritos Sweet chili heat flavor. M.J. bought a bag and it was devoured.
Actually I ended up sharing out two thirds of my salsa stuff. It’s a good thing I packed that apple.
It’s Science then Gym, Science class isn’t so bad we’re sort of covering biology but the plant stuff and Mr. Jackson’s pretty cool he’s actually showing us how to not buy veggies. You know there’s some that if you plant the stems or cores they’ll keep growing like celery and lettuce?
I think it’s cool I’m going to do some of these up to grow in the sun-porch.
Gym…Well it’s Gym class and I subject myself to the abject horror of changing and then the whole thing of going out and doing the exercises and stuff. Then it’s a quick soccer game with mixed teams.
I suck at soccer.
I’m a hockey player and there’s this whole habit of keeping my feet on the ice that doesn’t lend well to me doing much with the ball.
Mary Jane’s actually not bad but even with her sports bra on she’s pretty bouncy. She get’s lots of looks and then there’s Liz.
As much as I don’t like her she’s really, really good and Dana and Sarah work well with her and somehow they landed on the same team.
And they play rough too.
All those tricks where you’d get flagged or carded and stuff they pull and Dana gets me in the shins good twice in a fight for the ball. She’s kicking and being really nasty because she’s a girl and I’m a boy…and she’s really playing that to the hilt. I almost get girl-mad and be a bitch back.
Almost I really would like to be a girl and give back as good as she and Liz and Sarah are giving out.
There’s a yell at one point and I see Sarah go down holding her shin and my Spidergirl senses are tingling and I see while the teacher’s busy checking her there’s a skirmish for the ball and Liz hit’s Mary Jane with a hard sharp elbow to the boob making her cry out and drop holding her chest.
That effing bitch!
Oh if I could I’d have my claws out!
Liz zips past me on the field and I honestly try to block her and we’re kind of dodging each other.
“Jeeze Liz what the hell!?”
“She shouldn’t be in my way.”
“You planned that.”
“Prove it, fuck what the hell did M.J. ever do to you?”
“She’s stuck up and thinks she’s all that.”
“Like hell she does I know M.J. better that you do and she’s nothing like that.”
“It’s her own fault.”
“Why because she’s better looking than you?”
“She…is…not…better looking than me!”
She dodges past me and I even try and jump in her way but she’s actually better than me.
“At least her’s isn’t surgical!” It’s a cheap shot sure but it’s actually true. Liz has already had work done. She was good looking and cute but her grade five nose isn’t her grade seven nose.
Noses don’t shrink and get all pretty petite.
That’s another reason I just…Aaargh…she’s being given the right body and she was even good looking and she still has the whole money and okay from her folks to get to be even prettier.
And it’s just wrong too that’s just too young for that crap.
M.J.’s there and she extends a hand and pulls me up. “You okay Steven?”
“Yeah, you?”
“No…ow, the scunt really whomped me hard.”
“Ouch…sorry.”
“I’ll live, hey the bruises might add to the costume contest look right?”
“Yeah good point, still…I’d trade you y’know.”
“Yeah I know Steph.” She says it quietly and there’s a smile there.
It’s not long after that we’re in the showers and getting changed and just…Eeew, Eeew, Eeew…I really need to shower and stuff after my shower and stuff.
Then it’s after school and then the bus ride home.
That’s a running bitch session on Liz ad her two cronies. M.J. and I are the only targets. Elizabitch is that girl that will do all the dirty tricks she can to control the situation and to be the center of attention.
Worse even more with other girls.
She’s one of those over achieving social climbing people that pegs you as an enemy just because she Might…and the key thing is Might lose something to you if she thinks that you might be better.
Thinks.
Though that word is kinda iffy applied to her.
It’s not nice with us either, we’re not really being nice in talking about her and stuff. The B and C word are used and I know that in the great grand ideals of being a girl we should be all love and hugs and stuff but we’re girls.
And we’re human.
And it’s Liz.
I mean when she didn’t like Becky showing up at school in sixth grade after a summer away and she grew her hair out and got the whole Tiger-lily thing she has now she’d “lost” her wallet that had all the cash she made working all summer in it for new school clothes.
No one can prove it was Liz and them that did it but Liz was the first one to say stuff like. “Aaaw didn’t the welfare check come in?”
And people drew the word “Squaw.” On her locker in sharpie market at school that year.
Just the tip of the ice berg with her and her bunch.
Even with her and her friends getting picked up by cab while we waited for the bus with them giving us these Ha! Looks and them taking off to go shopping at the malls.
So yeah it was kind of a bitch session and I’m included since I refused to go out with her securing her with a trophy boyfriend.
Nope, nope, big boatfuls of nope.
I hate my guy junk but I don’t hate in that much.
Rrroar…I know…I’m just.
Yeah.
You don’t pick on my best friend.
You don’t pick on my friends.
We get off at Mary Jane’s and head inside and I flop on the couch and sigh.
“Yeah I sooo get that. I’ll be ready as soon as I get my things okay?”
“M’kay.” I have my face in the couch and it smells good.
We’re going to my place because that’s where my things are and Aunt Elsbeth doesn’t get off really in time for supper so we’re kind of doing stuff family style. Plus there the other stuff we have to do too for the contest and the party we’re throwing and homework.
It smells so good and the vibe of the house is so awesome that I really very nearly fall asleep.
It’s M.J. mumbling “Ow…my tit.” That wakes me and makes me giggle into the couch. I’ve heard breasts, boobs, ta-tas but she’s the first girl I’ve ever heard say tit.
“What?” She asks.
“You said tit.”
“So? It’s what they are.”
“They’re breasts.”
“They’re mine I can call them what I want and when it hurts like this its tit.”
“I’d still trade you.”
She shoulders her book bag. “I know, C’mon the sooner we get to your place the sooner you can take off the Steven suit.”
That get’s me up and on my feet in a hurry. “Ready.”
M.J. doesn’t laugh instead she just smiles and takes my hand and we head off after locking up.
We’re the only ones home when we get there and we make coffee and Mom left a note for what to do for supper saying she’s at a commission job and I get us coffees and M.J. gets her computer out and I get my stuff and wash off the day and wash Steven off of me.
Then it’s getting Me back on.
I lotion and powder and spritz then tuck and slide into my panties with this grateful sigh. It feels better tan good to fit right and my bra is next and I just get into one of the tee-shirts that Mom gave me and it’s just this cute old Fanta grape soda shirt and I fit into one of her skirts and it’s this long mid calf hippie/peasant one sort of inspire by Toni and I fasten a belt since it’s just a little loose and then my hair.
M.J. comes in and she helps me get my hair clipped in and after awhile I feel someone and Billy and Bobby are in the doorway watching me.
Billy… “Ick dude in like stinks in here.”
Me… “Oh like I just adore the noxious clouds of Axe.”
Billy… “I’m a guy, it’s guy stuff not this…this…faggy stuff…”
Me… “It’s girl stuff not gay stuff.”
M.J. quips. “You know William not liking the way a girl smells is kinda gay.”
Billy… “Eeew fuck, no…fuck!” He shivers and I’m looking at Bobby who’s usually the bigger ass.
“Problem?”
“Why? I just can’t get why…I mean…You’re such a weird little shit.”
I flip him the bird with my free hand while bent over the sink.
He looks like he’s going to get mouthy and I hold up a finger…a different finger… “Uh-uh don’t mess with the person making your food.”
“You’re cooking supper?” He blinks.
“We’re getting it started.” I straighten and start checking my hair and fixing it. “Want to help?”
“Nope got shit to do.” He hits Billy in that c’mon way and they start to leave except Billy stops and holds a finger up and fills the air with a ffrrting ripping sorta wet sound before heading off.
Oh bastard I can taste it!
“Yick!, you’re fucking sick!”
M.J. says… “Jesus there’s something g wrong with you!”
He leaves laughing. “Three egg rolls and a burrito for lunch bitches!”
Him and Bobby leave elephant herding down the stairs and making tons of noise before they slam the front doors.
(Cough-gag.) “Yeah they’re headed down the street to Conner’s to play Halo or something shit to do my butt.”
Mary Jane’s like. “Actually I think he did. That was gross.”
“Yeah try living with it.”
“Uhm…nothanks.” She says really fast.
We get our things and head down to the kitchen and I get my books and lap top set out on the nook table and so does M.J. and we start getting stuff out to get supper started.
Zucchini and eggplant and the leftover spaghetti sauce and the ground beef and the roaster and we slowly start slicing stuff while doing our homework and listening to music and doing it together.
Mark comes in with this Japanese girl with that long striking hair and a cute Firefly tee-shirt and jeans and these big glasses. Not thick but big, cute rather that those sleek cook frames.
He gets some waters for them both and looks at me. “Jenn this is Stephanie my baby sister, Steph this is Jenn.” He kinda does the awkward guy shoulder thing and she smiles and extends her hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Same, really the same.” I smile.
Actually I’m close to squeeing and girling out and hugging him but just the way he’s acting this…him saying that and calling me his…
Baby sister.
I’m not going to push it. He’s trying.
I let go of her hand and look at him and give him a thank you smile. But I wasn’t ready for the I love you sis look back…it’s shy and he’s likely in really new turf.
But it’s there.
He takes the waters and heads through the kitchen doors. “We’ll be studying in the living room okay?”
“Sure Bro…Love You.”
“Love you too sis…” He leaves quickly and Jenn follows this smile there like she’s surprised and proud of him.
I’m proud of him too.
Masks Chapter 17
*Before…
Actually I’m close to squeeing and girling out and hugging him but just the way he’s acting this…him saying that and calling me his…
Baby sister.
I’m not going to push it. He’s trying.
I let go of her hand and look at him and give him a thank you smile. But I wasn’t ready for the I love you sis look back…it’s shy and he’s likely in really new turf.
But it’s there.
He takes the waters and heads through the kitchen doors. “We’ll be studying in the living room okay?”
“Sure Bro…Love You.”
“Love you too sis…” He leaves quickly and Jenn follows this smile there like she’s surprised and proud of him.
I’m proud of him too.
*And Now…
Oh I am having such a case of the Feels right now and I lean on the kitchen island ad stare at the door Mark just left through.
“Is it just me or does Mark know about you?” Mary Jane says/asks looking at the door.
“I…I think he does, I wasn’t sure like before but yeah…I…I think he knows.”
“He doesn’t seem like he’s going to freak out.” I say and I’m kind of hoping it’s really true at the same time.
“Well what are you going to do?”
“I……….” I need to think about it.
Mary Jane’s looking at me.
The very best thing and very worst thing about having a best friend is the fact they call you out on stuff…she isn’t looking or doing anything else but looking at me.
“I….”
“Hmmm?”
“Okay, I’ll ask him when he comes back in.”
“Alright…and he’ll be coming back?”
“Teen guy with a girl there will be snacks needed.”
“Good point.” She’s smiling. “So…that Jenn?”
“Yeah not Mark’s usual kind of girl.”
“Really so what’s his type?”
“Busty, really good looking the whole cheerleader thing.”
“Well she’s not that?’
I nod but there’s not much more that I can say except that she really is different, small busted and the glasses and well…Asian. I sort of can get the boys liking Asian girls thing because I can definitely admit they are usually really pretty but I know that there are some Asian girls in his school that are really hot and so not like Jenn.
She seamed friendly though.
I actually dig out a few more things to make for snacks and I get some fajita wraps and take a little of the spaghetti sauce and use it as pizza sauce and it’s got most of everything in there except cheese so I do up two of them and grate some cheese over then and toss them in the oven on a cookie sheet until the bottom’s gone like cracker crispy like and I have them in the microwave waiting for when he comes in.
Meanwhile it’s cutting the zucchini and eggplant into lengthwise slices and Mary Jane’s browning the hamburger/ground beef off and grating the rest of the mozzarella cheese.
He must have smelled the stuff cooking because he comes in and he looks around the counter and then makes a bee-line for the fridge.
“Uhm…Mark you got a second?”
I go to the microwave and hit the start button just to get the cheese all bubbly again.
He gets two glasses and he pours some chocolate milk in them. “Sure…..”
“You told her that I was your sister and not your brother why?”
He looks at me. “That’s because you’re my little sister…kinda always have been right?”
“I…ah…how’d you know?”
“I didn’t until you did this stunt for Halloween. But I sort of thought that you were gay.”
“I’m not gay…” Okay I will admit I still don’t have a clue yet to that stuff but if I’m a regular girl then liking boys isn’t gay.
“Okay it’s just you had this whole in the closet thing going on.”
Mary Jane looks at him and crosses her arms. “So how do you know what in the closet looks like anyways?’
“My little sister’s a lesbian.”
“I am not!”
“No not you my other sister.”
“Huwhaaa?”
“I joined Big Brothers/Big Sisters this year. A couple of the other kids are doing community service stuff. It’s where I’ve been going on Saturdays. Sonja requested a big brother and we’ve been hanging out since.”
“So…?”
“So she and I’ve talked a lot, she can’t do that at home and a lot of the stuff that she talked about rung bells with you.”
“But I’m…”
“Transgendered right?’
My mouth goes dry. “H..how?”
“Since I met Sonja I’ve been to some LGBT meetings at school.”
“Really?”
He takes the plate and the glasses and leans over and kisses me on my forehead. “Yeah actually see I’m not quite the thickhead that you thought huh?”
I blush. “I…it’s not…” I’m fumbling for words because that’s kinda exactly what I thought about him.
He grins. “I…have a study date; we’ll hash out the small stuff later?”
“I…uhm…okay…?” I say kind of still in shock and blown away.
He slips out and I sit down on one of the stools and stare at the door he went through.
“He knows, he knows and he didn’t flip and I mean he really knows but he thought that I was gay, do I seem gay to you? I mean not now because Amber was likely just a friendly kiss but I mean like when I’m Steven do I come across as gay like that and what, what does Mom and Dad think do they think that I’m gay!”
Mary Jane gets in front of me and she takes my face in both of her hands and she stares me down. “Stop…you’re going to loop…breathe.”
“I…I…”
“Breathe woman.” She’s firm with that one and I close my eyes and I take some deep, deep breaths.
Wow I can literally feel my pulse slowing down.
I smile as she starts to smile back and we’re doing that really close look each other in the eyes thing.
That’s what a girlfriend does, that’s what a best friend does and that’s puts the brakes on when you can’t sometimes.
We are just staring like that for a few minutes before we just start smiling at each other again…no, grinning.
“I guess I went a little bit overboard with all of this huh?”
“Yeah just a little but you kinda likely have a whole bunch of like pent up everything about this.”
I nod. “Thirteen years worth.”
We pull apart and Mary Jane goes for the paper towel and stuff a bunch into a bowl and pours the cooked ground beef into it so that the extra oil drains off and then we look at the instructions that mom left and I go to the deep freeze and get out a bunch of frozen blocks of spinach and defrost them in the microwave and Mary Jane is breading the eggplant with egg yolk and ground parmesan cheese and we’re quick frying a crust on them.
We’re using a pan because we’re still not old enough to mess around with the deep fryer yet.
Actually they kind of scare me a little. I mean a frying pan you can cover but a big thingy of bubbling oil. And I’m scared of getting burned or splashed.
I’m not sure that I could be a fry cook.
It doesn’t take too long before we’re ready and first thing I do is to butter and flour the roaster. The flour won’t mess with the food and just like baking it really helps to keep the sticking down and then we layer stuff.
Left over sauce, then zucchini then more sauce and then some cheese then the eggplant and then more sauce and then the spinach all in a single layer and then last of the eggplant then the ground beef and over that the last of the zucchini and then the last of the sauce and the rest of the mozzarella cheese.
It’s a lot like lasagna but also a little like eggplant parme it’s one of those things that mom made up whenever to use up leftovers. As for the spaghetti from last night we never have any leftover pasta.
Not in a house with fours guys.
See what I did there?
There’s some other stuff to do for supper too and Mary Jane and I start our homework first and we both have Math and English and she has Social Studies to do and I have some Science stuff to do and we’re getting into all of that and double checking each other’s work and that’s actually kind of cool and fun too.
I’m not the greatest student sometimes and I’ll admit it’s me not able to be the real me thing. It gets in your head and there’s this kinda sad spot that nags and eats away at how you feel about doing stuff.
But this and us doing this together it’s kind of fun and it’s a whole lot less stressful when I can just be me doing it and I really want to be a good student.
Mary Jane’s looking through my notes. “You have to pass this in?’
“No why?”
“Because some of this is like different kind of messy and this stuff is like girl neat.”
Yes, yes I have spent a lot of time just in my room or messing around at school learning and teaching myself to write in that neat but loopy way that girls write like.
I just never actually noticed that I was doing that just because I’m actually being me now.
“Whoops. I guess they might think that I had some girl do my homework?’
“You could go with that it might even make sense with the whole jock thing.”
I sigh with relief. “Good…and thanks for seeing that I honestly didn’t know that I was doing that. Now if someone does ask I have something that I can say.”
She nods. “Even with Mark knowing it’s still something that you might want to watch right?”
“Definitely.”
I’m still in shock over Mark figuring me out and to have someone else do it and scarier still someone outside of the family that would be bad.
And at the same time I really, really wonder if it might be the best thing too in the long run? I mean if the absolute worst happened here at home I could live at Aunt Els place until she was able to talk my family around.
We pack up our school books and we start to look up looks for the dance and the contest and I start sketching out what our stuff might look like. Mary Jane looks things over and she’s like. “Oh wow you’re really good at this you should so be in Home Ec. I mean you can cook pretty good but these are like designer sketches.”
“Well I’ve had a lot of practice drawing out the kind of stuff that I’d dream of being able to wear y’know. And sometimes I’d sketch it out and live in my own little fantasy world in my head.”
M.J. looks at me and I bite my lip and shrug.
“You’ve had a whole frigging boatload of unhappy haven’t you?’
I shrug. “There’s lots of people that have had it worse.”
“Yeah but other people having it worse Steph doesn’t really make the shitty stuff you’re going through any better.”
“What can I do, I was stuck with this stinking rotten mistake of a body and there’s nothing that’s going to change that for me anytime soon.”
M.J. Hugs me with that lean on me and slip her arm around my waist. “Sorry Steph I really do wish that there was something that I could do really.”
“You’re doing it okay. You’ve been all kinds of awesome and have been totally like my rock.”
“Hey, I’m just returning the favor. You care and you don’t judge me and you stick up for me and even more sometimes and I haven’t had that for a long time.”
“Being the new kid suck huh.”
“I really sucks and…..”
“And?”
“Changing sucks…I…I didn’t ask for this and when it happened the friends that I thought that I had all turned out to be…”
“Elizabitches?”
She nods. “These girls were my best friend Steph and when Dad split they weren’t there in fact they kind of used that to make things worse.”
“What, how?”
“One of the rumors wasn’t just about me being a slut and a tramp it was that my Dad left because he was caught doing stuff to me and that it wasn’t molestation because I liked it.”
“Those Cunts!”
She stares at me her eyes widening and she burst out giggling. “You could be in so much trouble for saying the C word y’know if it wasn’t for the way that you said it.”
“Huh?”
“You were soooo not the mad and angry guy girlfriend.”
“Oh…it’s just kinda natural…I mean my voice hasn’t really cracked yet and stuff so I’ve been talking softer and kinda lower in guyoflage mode.”
Mark comes in with the plates. “Who’s a cunt?”
“Mark!” I exclaim.
Mary Jane starts to giggle and snort.
“What?”
“You’re not allowed to say that you’re a guy!”
“And….”
“The C-word is to women like the N-word is like to black people.”
“It is?”
We both nod and he looks at us and he grins a little bit but he blushes too. “Sorry.”
“You should be Speedy.” Jenn says as she comes into the kitchen too.
“Speedy….!” Mary Jane and I carouse together.
Oh he get’s so red and embarrassed that it’s almost nuclear.
And Jenn’s grinning with us and there’s this little zip of girlness happening since its like three girls sort of teasing a guy together.
“I…Uhm…sorry Jenn.”
She shrugs. “It happens, I know you enough that you didn’t mean it.”
“I didn’t I was just asking the girls is all really.”
She turns to us and she does that peer over her glasses thing at us and has this quirky mouth thing. “So….who is the cunt?”
That get’s me and M.J. giggling again and Mark almost too and he goes for some more chocolate milk but for all three of us this time.
Jenn listens and so do I as Mary Jane talks.
“I was living in Lethbridge and it’s kinda a bit churchy there and I’d worked pretty hard our first year there to make some friends. It was different but things were pretty cool y’know. We were going to be there likely for awhile and I hadn’t gotten like this.”
M.J. Gestures at herself.
“But then it all like started early. Mom said we do that in our family and I budded when I was ten just after x-mas and then by the start of the next school year I was on my way to having B-cups.”
“That pissed off so many of the girls but even then some of my friends were cool, most of the time….they still had like some of those jealous moments but I just figured par for the course right…it’s girl bullshit.”
Jenn and I are both nodding. I might not have the biology but I’ve seen it. I still want it but sometimes we are not nice girls at all.
“And then I started my period early too than most of them and that sucked but was cool at the same time because well…” She shrugs but Jenn and I nod again.
It’s girl we both speak it and Mark even nodded too. Maybe his little sister…the other one had that kind of conversation with him or something? I see Jenn smile though and move over to the next stool and sit close to him.
Sigh…such a thing…I’d love to stop feeling like I’m stuck in neutral.
“Then Samantha started to bud and Leslie and it was like over night they were getting boobs but they just sort of stopped being them…I mean I still was me…I liked the same books and the same tunes and stuff but Sam and Leslie they…they went full pig into the hair and make-up and the clothes and boys even though we were too young for boys they went for the guys a couple classes up and then they were trying to hang with the cool girls.”
She’s crying and she’s sniffling and rubbing at her face. I move to right beside her and do the lean on her hug.
“The popular rich girls didn’t like me, they hadn’t since I was the new girl and My Mom she’s great looking and cool and Dad being RCMP they just got like all territorial or some stunned shit and it got worse as things happened with me hitting puberty and…..and Sam and Leslie they knew stuff. Me looking up stuff trying to figure all the stuff I was feeling out and they knew about Mom and the stuff she’s into.”
I take a tissue Jenn offers and wipe M.J.’s eyes and Mark’s looking at me and he smiles at me like I did something cool.
“They started calling me a witch, and a slut and pulling pranks and saying shit about me online and on Facebook and then Mom and Dad are fighting and he moves out with this like twenty years old chick he’d been screwing for like over a ear and they blame me for it, blame “the slut” and “the lesbian” and they hauled it all out in front of people for all the ones to see.”
“It didn’t take too long for what was left of my so called friends to bail and some even jumped on the bandwagon too…..and that was going around town and the churchy types got involved…I mean they even kicked Mom out of the freaking PTA and like trashed our car and stuff.”
Mary Jane’s crying really hard now and I hold her through it and Jen comes over to take her other side and I’m crying because M.J.’s crying and…and Mark actually shuffle walks us over to the kitchen nook instead of the island and we slide into the booth seat.
Very cool.
We’re having such a girl cry thing and Mark’s being a really good guy by putting the kettle on and setting a box of tissues there with us and it’s awhile before we’re all together and Mary Jane’s doing that recovering her breath thing.
I’m rubbing her back and she has this bleak look but she starts to talk again. “That’s when they started the rumors that Dad was sleeping with me….they were even saying that I wanted it or that I started it and he got called in to get investigated even.”
She looks at all of us. “It wasn’t true! He never touched me and we didn’t y’know!” (Sobby-sniffles.)
I hug her. “I know, I know M.J. He’s not like that and neither are you.”
“But it just got worse and worse the shit gets in your head, this feeling of maybe they’re right and this is all that I’m worth? And then there’s the attention and the being nice and stuff from guys that just wanted one thing from me and I did…I slept with guys and let then use me because it felt good when it was happening. It felt good enough I wanted more…just not to fee the other stuff and that just made things worse.“
Then it really got worse George Warren this complete effing douche he decides I need a really man and cornered me at a dance and he ripped my dress top open and he tried to rape me! (Sobby-sniffles.) And when I got away and where people were at he…he blames me and every one jumps on the M.J.‘s a slut bandwagon and…”
Mark’s there setting down tea stuff so we can make our own. “That’s the night that after the cops and Aunt Els got you home, you took the pills right?”
What?
“Oh…oh shit M.J…..” I’m freaked, floored and I’ve never heard any of this….
“It just hurt so much!” She wails. “They…they were supposed to be my friends! But they…they just turned their backs on me and called me slut and witch!”
She’s bawling, I’m bawling and Jenn’s crying too.
I hear Billy and Bobby in the kitchen and they’re whispering….
“What’s going on Mark?”….Bobby.
“M.J.’s just getting it out.”…. Mark.
“The stuff with back there?”…Billy.
“Yeah.”… Mark.
“Which is why Mom and Dad are letting?”…Bobby.
“Something like that.”….Mark.
“We…uhm…can we do like anything?”…Billy.
“Yeah, stop being you two and treat our sister like our kid sister.”……Mark…and What?
“But?”….Bobby.
“No buts, look guys you’re almost sixteen ad honestly you’re a pair of little assholes. No girl is going to give you the time of day y’know.” ….Mark.
“But.”…Billy.
“No, look if you guys think that you can act the way you are fine. But dumb insensitive meathead gets around. Girls tweet and Facebook this stuff all the time.”…Mark.
“……………………” There’s a double. “”Kay…fine.” And they head out and he follows.
“Not fine c’mere let’s go outside there’s wood to split.”… Mark.
“Aww…Man…you’re sounding like Dad.”…Bobby.
“Move.”…And they leave.
I sniffle. “Actually like that he sounds a little like Mom more than Dad.”
That gets a sobby wet laugh from Mary Jane and I hug her tight, really tight and stay there. “M.J.?”
(Sobby-sniffle.) “Yeah…?”
“You never, ever fucking do that again you hear me? I can’t make it through this fucking curse with out you.” I sobbed out that last half of it.
She turns and she looks at me.
Yeah more tears are rolling down her face and she swallows a few times and nods. But instead of talking because we just can’t yet we hook pinkie fingers again.
Masks Chapter 18
*Before….
Mark’s there setting down tea stuff so we can make our own. “That’s the night that after the cops and Aunt Els got you home, you took the pills right?”
What?
“Oh…oh shit M.J…..” I’m freaked, floored and I’ve never heard any of this….
“It just hurt so much!” She wails. “They…they were supposed to be my friends! But they…they just turned their backs on me and called me slut and witch!”
......
That gets a sobby wet laugh from Mary Jane and I hug her tight, really tight and stay there. “M.J.?”
(Sobby-sniffle.) “Yeah…?”
“You never, ever fucking do that again you hear me? I can’t make it through this fucking curse with out you.” I sobbed out that last half of it.
She turns and she looks at me.
Yeah more tears are rolling down her face and she swallows a few times and nods. But instead of talking because we just can’t yet we hook pinky fingers again.
*And Now…
It’s so intense this whole afternoon and everything…I mean it’s been a super intense couple of days but this.
It’s other level stuff. I mean I get why they moved, I get why Mom and Dad are good with me and M.J. being girlfriends.
This stuff with her, it wasn’t that long ago.
It wasn’t that long ago that she tried to overdose and kill herself.
The thought, the thought of losing her, the though of losing my best friend, the best friend I have always wanted squeezes my heart so hard it hurts me physically just to think about it.
I can’t lose her, I just can’t.
I wouldn’t do something stupid but it really does feel like it’d kill me.
I’ve been so alone in this dark place for so long…
Which is why we’re pinkie locked and holding each other and both doing the full on ugly cry over each other.
We’re like that for awhile and it’s like sort of out of nowhere that Mom’s home and she’s rubbing my back and M.J.’s and making soothing noises and I’m looking at her and she’s wiping at my eyes and Mary Jane’s too.
“So now you know.” She says to me.
I hug M.J. tighter and nod. “Yeah…God Mum, why?”
I can feel M.J.’s breath catch too.
She looks at us both and it’s as intense as I’ve ever seen her. “Honestly?”
We nod in stereo.
“People can suck, they just can. What they did pure jealousy ad spite and being cruel little assholes just because they could.”
“Mom?” I’m kind of surprised.
“It’s never easy to be a decent person especially when all these others aren’t doing it.”
“But people can be nice just because and sometimes we have to work at it…but it’s worth it girls. I promise you decency’s worth fighting for.”
I hug her and she gives me that Mom kiss on top of my head before doing the same for M.J. I notice her looking over to the kitchen island and Mark’s there with Jenn and they’re cooking or making the rest of the stuff.
Well Jenn is and Mark’s doing what he’s told along with eating choice bits to go along with the supper we’re having. It’s our usual salad that we have with every meal like this and just about every meal actually.
My folks were raised on cheap stuff and while we’re not into all the fancy stuff. There’s a huge fridge in the kitchen and they’re usually full and we have lots and lots of fruits and veggies.
Not because it’s good for us but mostly because they never had it.
But Jenn’s salad looks really good. Romaine lettuce and some baby spinach with slices of cucumbers and zucchini… (We grow em.) but she’s putting in shaved turnip and carrots but green apple and red pears too and some jarred artichokes she’s grilling on our Foreman grill or Mark is while she uses the seasoned liquid from the jar as the base for a salad dressing.
Mark looks happy and they’re talking Harry Potter stuff and she’s quizzing him in I think what sounds like chemistry stuff.
Mom looks at us. “Okay, time for a break how about you two explain the stuff on the sketches?”
Mary Jane… (Sniffle) “They’re good aren’t they? Steph’s a good artist.”
“Really?” Mom looks pleasantly surprised.
I blush and shrug. “Just messing around, I think some stuff stuck with you.” (Sniffle)
She smiles. “C’mon we’ll go and check these out in the studio.”
“I…uhm okay…”
Mom takes my hand and I take Mary Jane’s and we head into the studio and I feel like I’ve skated two ends without a break. I had no idea that being a girl and living as one and more importantly feeling as one could be this hard.
It’s like I have shoved and bottled away all this stuff and when I’m just being me there’s no big guyboden wall that’s keeping me from crying and feeling and letting all of this stuff out or even experiencing it.
Pardon the pun but I feel rubbery.
We head into Mom’s studio and she takes us over to her window couch. It’s supposed to be one of those window seats only Mom actually had Dad remove all the platform stuff and set in a love seat in there about a foot off the floor and the rest of the room is this big side parlor like room that’s got high ceilings and a fireplace in one wall and is otherwise pretty non-descript except the walls are randomly and overlappingly decorated with posters ranging from her favorite bands to stuff playing in town and playbills from the theater here in town and anything and everything else that she thinks is interesting at the time and she usually just staples it up on the walls when she gets them.
Mom’s got years of like local event ads or well history here.
The rest in her workbench and her painting easels and she has a whole bunch of her paintings piled up against the wall mostly stuff that she has done for fun or she did on a whim and some are waiting for her next sale.
She did some gallery stuff but mom paints on anything sometimes and she will do her own sales around Christmas and stuff and sells them fairly cheap for a painting because she thinks that everyone should be able to afford a painting.
She donates some and she trades other artists in town too.
We still have tons of honey from some beekeeper she did paints of and his farm. Plus a whole lot of handmade candles from one of her friends she’s traded with.
Between that and commissions she makes some pretty good money and then you add in Dad who makes really good money and we’re really well off.
But I inhale once I’m in here and between her natural herbs and pigments and the paints and all the paper on the walls plus the fireplace it has the scent here. Like a painter’s place should but also that wood smoke hint and almost this old book smell from the papers and just the hint of herbs and stuff.
It’s like a sorceress’s workshop in here and feels like it too.
I used to do my homework in here while I was little and I’d be in that whole staring fascinated at both my Mom because I felt something even then and in awe because watching her make stuff was magic to me.
She spreads out our stuff and we take some time to explain what we want to do or to try and do with each of them and Mom being a Mom she does something that hadn’t occurred for either of us and she starts to make lists of the stuff that we’re going to need for both sets of costumes.
And we’re brainstorming about all of that too and the mood is slowly lightening as we’re starting to get into it and excited by it again.
Mom looks at me. “You really want to go to the dance as Alice?”
“Uhm…yeah a dry run?”
“Okay though it might ruin the surprise with the contest.”
“But other people in town won’t know that it’s me.”
“Okay, good point I think it’s a good choice.”
“I thought so and M.J. has the red hair so we can so use that in like the mad hatter costume and we can do the crazy make up stuff and even color it some like Johnny Dep did for the movie but like a girl cosplay version of it.”
Mom’s nodding and grinning. “Actually I think that both of this stuff rocks girls.”
Aunt Elsbeth comes in quietly and sits on the other side of Mary Jane and gives her a nice long squeeze and kisses the top of her head and just sits there and holds her. We end up kind of sharing eye contact and it’s one of those things that cuts through my teenagerism and I get that there’s stuff that’s just as messy and just as hurt and just as important as me.
And that I’m important to them but for reasons that aren’t as selfish as mine are.
It’s kind of humbling in a good way I guess.
She looks at our stuff too after a while and she says that we’re doing a really good job and that she likes the designs and stuff.
It’s kind of surreal.
I know what happened with them.
I know that she knows that I know.
But it’s not like she’s faking that all that stuff didn’t happen but it’s kind of like somehow she like rolled with it and she’s actually good.
No, maybe not good but she’s okay.
God how can I be like that to just go through stuff and come out of it Okay?
Being okay would actually be pretty good.
We even share a smile before Dad shows up and watches us and is leaning on the doorframe. I like that he’s sort of like taking a minute until the others catch on that he’s there.
“Ladies, supper’s ready.”
It’s so… Mom saying and including me in ‘You girls’ and now Dad with ‘Ladies’ it is such a small thing really but it really helps.
And he actually stays there as we get up and he waits until we all go passed him before he follows. I mean it’s like just Dad and like really casual but it’s still like ladies first and it’s still pretty cool to me.
Supper’s nice too; Mark and Jenn seem to have taken over and it’s actually pretty. They took one of the table cloths that we have and put it on the table and put fall leaves on it and they still have some play in them so their not like dry but still have some play and their just kind of pretty and the eggplant-parme-zgna is on the table and someone had taken one of the many pumpkins and hollowed it out after cutting it in half and had them carved into salad bowls with the salad in one and homemade garlic bread in the other like a bread bowl and there’s even two little small decorative ones hollowed out and has tea light candles inside of them.
And the table is all set and stuff and it looks great and cute.
I can smell something baking too in the kitchen for desert.
“Mark, Jenn this looks really cool.” I can’t help it they did a good job and from the look on Mom and Dad’s face they agree and we sit down to eat and I see the twin and they’re showered and clean and even are at least acting quiet.
Jenn says. “Thanks but really a lot of the work for making supper you girls already did mark and I was just helping out.”
We actually dig in with gusto and there’s passing of plates and smiles and someone made polenta to go with things and there’s a dish of olives out on the table. We kind of really go for stuff like that.
Billy’s looking at me and then Bobby too and both finish chewing their first bites. “Hey…this, this is pretty good Steph.” Billy says and Bobby just nods kind of slow and I’m looking at them with a little bit of…huh?
What did mark say to these too. Okay they don’t look like they were comfortable saying it but they still said it.
“Uhm thanks guys but I had help.”
Bobby adds in. “Yeah thanks M.J. you too are alright cooks.”
They’re guys and fifteen year old ones that’s kind of a really good compliment getting it out of them I figure.
Mary Jane and I share a smile and keep eating and it’s Mom that finally asks what I’ve been dying to know. “So Jenn just how did Mark and you meet?”
She grins. “Dance class.”
“What!?”… Billy.
“Bwahahaha”…Bobby “Dance class!” He snorts at Mark who has this semi-pissed look on his face and that would have been an automatic big brother enforcement of the hierarchy but mark just has this look between him and Jenn and he doesn’t do anything.
She smiles.
Bobby can’t keep his mouth shut and make this. “Whissssp!” sound and Aunt Els reaches over and does that wrist flick slap-snap in back of the head making him go. “Hey.”
Then he realizes that all of us girls are looking at him and he ducks his head and hunches his shoulders. “Sorry.”
Mom just picks the thread back up. “Dance class? Mark when’d you start taking dance? They don’t offer it in school.”
Dammit I sort of just had my hopes up that sounded like fun.
He colors a bit. “I take Sonja there, she wanted to learn and stuff so it’s one of the things I do with her.”
Mom and Dad nod like they knew he was doing that. I imagine they might have had to sign stuff since mark’s only seventeen with the whole Big Brother/Big Sisters thing and all.
I look at Jenn and despite the whole Japanese thing where Asian girls are supposed to be thin or that’s what like the stereotype is. But a dancer…she so has that ballerina build going on.
I ask her. “What are you taking there?”
She smiles. “I help my Aunt teach mostly and I train with her but usually I have to go away to a workshop or something when I want to pick up some more techniques.”
Mom nods smiling. “So you’re that good already?”
She shrugs. “I’m working at it I do want to go and study dance after school.”
Mark smiles at her and he looks a little bit smitten. “She got a gold ticket last year for ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’ So yeah she’s that good.
That’s a reality dance show for like non-professionals that is like the dance equivalent of American Idol and a gold ticket is a call back to go along further that the first auditions to get onto the show. That’s actually pretty damned good.
She blushes a little. “I only got as far as the choreography and I blew it and twisted my ankle.”
Then Dad’s like. “But you might have gone all the way.”
“Maybe sir but the ticket’s the big win for me.”
Mom… “How’s that?”
“It means that I’ll have at least some serious auditions then it comes to go to school after high school.”
Mom… “And you volunteer?”
“Yes ma’am, there and at the food bank and I run sometimes.”
I look at her. “Run?”
“Sponsored stuff like Run for the Cure and the Terry Fox Run.”
Mom’s like…. “That’s a lot of stuff.”
Jenn nods. “Sometimes Ma’am but helping others out is kind of like paying rent on the life I live.”
Oh…Yes, yes that.
Aunt Els is nodding like of course.
I look at Mark and he’s definitely smitten by the looks he’s still giving her.
God I want to be like them…Jenn, Mom, Aunt Els they just seem so with it.
We finish eating after the guys have seconds. I had seconds on the salad. The whole shaved root veggies with the pear and apple was good. I had no clue that turnip was spicy as well as being sweet when shaved thinly, and nuts in a salad of any kind is almost always good.
Jenn and Mark go get dessert…Apple pie but apple pie with maple syrup for the sugar and a few spices but the kicker…Walnuts…like the ones for baking but they’re covered in the appley-mapley sauce from the pie and it’s soooo good.
I only go for a smallish piece but it’s so good with a cup of coffee. There’s a semi collective sigh and a pause after than and I take a breath and get up and start clearing the table.
M.J. gets up and help and Billy sighs and I look at him. “I’ve got this Will you and Rob split wood al afternoon.”
Both of them are staring at me and blinking. Rob/Bobby says. “Uhm…you sure?”
“Definitely, but thanks for offering to help Rob.”
No I didn’t change their names. Technically they’re William and Robert but as long I’ve ever heard Billy and Bobby. It’s a twin thing I think they go stuck with and they weren’t total butts just now so maybe I’m trying to keep the momentum up.
Show them Stephanie isn’t Steven.
Will/Billy looks at me and gives me this awkward sort of smile. I get that. I mean I was to him his little brother and stuff and I am in ‘drag’ so he likely has no idea how to act around me like this. “Thanks Stephanie, but let me and…Rob at least help clear.”
Bobby/Rob nods though he looks sort of pleased at the name thing and we all clear and Mary Jane and I start to wash the dishes then Jenn comes in with Mom and Aunt Elsbeth and some music gets turned on and we get this kind of line thing going with me washing and M.J. is rinsing and Jenn’s wiping and Mom knows where everything goes and she’s putting stuff away.
Aunt Els is helping too and that’s with chunking up the pumpkin bowls and she’s making bite sized chunks with them peel and all. Jenn’s watching. “What are you doing?”
Aunt Els is dumping sweet chili sauce on the bits and some salt and a lot of brown sugar and mixing them all together. She grins at Jenn. “You ever heard of watermelon rind pickles?”
“Sort of is that what you’re doing?”
“Yep a hot spicy version of it.”
I nod. “They’re actually pretty good after they sit up all winter and you have them as a side with like BBQ.”
Jenn looks surprised and she’s smelling it then coughs because there’s a lot of that sweet chili sauce on there. “You guys don’t waste anything do you?”
Mom’s gearing up for more stuff. “Nope and we gift a lot of it out too but we’re a pretty big family so we do this a lot.”
Aunt Elsbeth grins. “It’s good for the planet too. Canning stuff means you can reused the bottles over and over, you’re not running to the store wasting gas and it’s family time done right…I want M.J.; to learn all this stuff too so she can do it with her kids and to feed herself.”
Mom nods. “You never know when hard times can hit too.”
Dad and Mom both never came from money, they were pretty poor and when Mom was pregnant with Mark in college they both stuck it out instead of quitting. I’ve seen some pictures and yeah those were some lean to bare years.
Jenn’s like. “Can I help? Looks pretty neat to learn.”
Mom’s like. “Sure in exchange you can show up some dance steps and help the girls learn how to dance and it wouldn’t hurt me or Elsbeth to look like we’re not all dated.”
Mary Jane squeaks. “Please! We have a dance this weekend and I’ve only been to a few.”
I blush and admit. “I have no clue how to really dance like a girl.”
Mom’s looking at me a bit, her head tilted. “Stephanie?”
It’s this, all of this and I just…I just can’t hold it in anymore…
“This is me Mom, I’m a girl. I always have been…… I’m Transgendered.”
And everyone just stopped...
Masks Chapter 19
*Before…
Jenn’s like. “Can I help? Looks pretty neat to learn.”
Mom’s like. “Sure in exchange you can show up some dance steps and help the girls learn how to dance and it wouldn’t hurt me or Elsbeth to look like we’re not all dated.”
Mary Jane squeaks. “Please! We have a dance this weekend and I’ve only been to a few.”
I blush and admit. “I have no clue how to really dance like a girl.”
Mom’s looking at me a bit, her head tilted. “Stephanie?”
It’s this, all of this and I just…I just can’t hold it in anymore…
“This is me Mom, I’m a girl. I always have been…… I’m Transgendered.”
And everyone just stopped…
*And Now…
My Mom is looking at me her head still tilted and she sort of turns the rest of the way around to look at me and she takes a seat that Jenn slides under her.
Oh not a good sign.
My stomach is doing that clench thing that happens when I’ve taken the last shot of the game and the clock’s down to seconds and I’m not sure that the puck’s going to go in or chink off the goalpost.
She takes a breath and she reaches over and takes both my hands in hers and holds them tight.
“Oh thank god.”
“……………..” Huh? What? “Mmm..Mum?” Oh my voice is high in the squeaky range.
“When we found out, well when we were kind of sure…especially after all of the stuff that we read.”
“Mom?” What is she babbling about? Wait…what. “Wait…what you knew?”
She’s nodding and there’s tears there and she looks at me. “We thought, I mean the first time we too you to hockey you never wanted to play you wanted to….” (Sniffle)
(Sniffle.) “I wanted to figure skate with the other girls.”
Mom nods. “And it’s just been little stuff like that that had me and your dad wonder.”
“Dad…Dad knows…oh god….” My knees give and Jenn’s there with another chair and M.J. holds me up enough to set my butt on it. Then she hugs me…rubs my back like Aunt Els is doing with Mom we so almost mirror each other.
“Well your dad thought that you might be gay since it’s sort of the first thing he thought of until you came up with this idea after the first day with the wig.”
“He thought I was gay?” (Sniffle.)
(Sniffle.) “Yes honey, by the time your brothers were your age they had all their secret little porn stashes.”
“And you weren’t leaving nasty little tissue surprises around like they did.” Aunt Els adds in grinning.
“Eww! Eww!”
Yick, yick, yick…. “There isn’t enough brain bleach in the world.”
Mom smiles. “Yeah, so we had our reasons of thinking things but it was Mark that figured it out the other night at dinner and came to talk to us about it.”
“But…why?”
Jenn adds in. “Because he’s your big brother and he loves you. He was petty stressed over it too. He’d been to all those meetings trying to learn about Sonja and there’s all this stuff there that talk about the stuff that Transgendered people go through and how high the rates are of something bad happening are.”
(Sniffle.) I look at her. “Something bad?”
“You might do to yourself…Steph.” Jenn says stroking my hair some.
My body goes through the shakes.
Honestly, honestly there have been so many times.
(Sobby-sniffles.) I lower my head at being kind of found out. “It’s just so hard…this Mask gets to be so heavy…I… (Sniffle-sob.)…I’m just so tired already…”
Mum…pulls my into a hug right off my chair and onto her lap.
(Sniffle) You ever notice that Mom becomes Mum or Mommy when this stuff goes down?
I start crying.
I hear a tight with emotion guy voice there. (Guy-sniffles) “I just knew…I think that I knew when I first started going to some of the meetings. (Guy-sniffles) but I remember after reading something that I was scared Steph. I mean bullies and assholes and stuff I can fight, get in the way of…protect you from but the stuff inside you…I can’t and I don’t want to lose my baby sister.”
(Sobby-speak.) “You don’t.”
“No…I just got to meet you…”
“But…But…”
“I made a promise Stephanie when Billy and Bobby were born with Dad. He said that I was the big brother…(Guy-sniffle)…and that was really important because Big Brothers are kind of like dads as well as brothers. And that the other kids would need me I ways that him and mom can’t.”
(Guy-sniffle.) “I didn’t get it then but I did after enough time when the other two would bitch about stuff to me I know that hey never said to Mom and Dad…”
(Sobby-sniffle.) “I couldn’t…I was scared.”
He’s there beside me now. I couldn’t really see that for all the tears that’ve been filing my eyes.”
“I know Steph, I know…I….” (Guy sniffle.)…Hey…I love you y’know.”
(Sobby-sniffle.) “You do?”
He kneel down and hugs me. “Yeah, I really, really do.”
I shift from hugging and being hugged by Mum to being hugged really hard by Mark and I cry on him and dig my fingers in hanging on like I couldn’t do with Mom and there’s just something so strong there with him that makes me feel safe.
(Guy-sniffle.) “I made a promise to look after all of you…I’m gonna keep it Steph…c’mon…I pinkie swore it.”
Okay that kind of hits me where the happy sobs come out of.
“Mark…”
“Yeah…?”
“I Love you too…”
“Good you say that now but when you bring home a date you might not be that happy.”
“Yes I will… (Sniffle.)…If they don’t pass the big brother test then they’re not for me…” (Sniffle.)
“Damned Skippy, Only the best for my baby sister.”
I sniffle some more but I just hug him and let the moment sort of sink in…let my Big Brother hold me and keep me safe and it’s like I can take the weights off now.
Mom’s there and Mary-Jane and Aunt Elsbeth and Jenn…and Dad…
Dad and my brothers….
They’re still in the kitchen doorway but Dad’s coming over.
That Daddy smile tells me right off that everything’s going to be alright.
(Sniffle.) “Daddy…?” It’s the first real time I’ve ever said that.
“C’mere Angel.”
Happy sob!
I launch myself at him and he catches me and I hold onto him and cry on him.
(Sobby-speak.) “Th…That’s so much better than Sport…”
I feel him chuckle-laugh… “Angel it is, but I reserve dad privilege on using other cute names too.”
I nod into his chest. “’Kay”
“I Love You Stephanie no matter what.”
(Sniffle.) “You do?”
“Of course I do….look at me.”
I look up at him.
“When you were born they passed you to me and you looked at me with those eyes and it was all there. I knew that you loved me with everything that you had right there and then. And honey that’s all that matters…is loving you back…no matter what….It’s my job…I’m your dad.”
And I’m hugging him so hard and I’m sobbing again.
Full on Waaaaaa! Totally ugly crying too.
I’m not sure for how long I was there crying and being help but it felt really good and when I’m finally able to breathe.
“You mean it?”
“Yes honey, I mean it.”
“And…and you’re not mad?” (Sniffle.)
“No, I’m not mad or angry or disappointed. I’m glad.”
(Sniffle.) “Glad?”
“Yeah…I have a daughter.”
He pushed me back and he holds me by my shoulders and he looks at me and he smiles as he’s looking me in the eyes and he slowly says it. “I…Have…A…Daughter.”
And he’s smiling like it makes him happy.
I take a really, really big shaky breath. “Yes…yes you do Daddy.”
He hugs me again and then he turns and looks at Billy and Bobby and gestures for them to come in the kitchen.
They come in and look at Dad then Mom and me.
I flinch a little. “Surprise guys?”
Billy snorts. “Surprise? Yeah you being a girl’s a surprise like firetrucks are red.”
Blink, Blink. “Huh?”
He looks at me. “What? We go to a mall and you’re not looking a girls or toys or videogames but we walk past the girls section and your face goes all Ooooh pretty shiny.”
I blush.
Bobby nods.
Billy… “No underwear in the bathroom hanging all over the place.”
(Sniffle.) “Gotcha…”
He hugs me and so does Bobby. It’s short but it’s there.
“You guys aren’t mad at me?”
Billy… “No dating our friends, you girls are always into older guys.”
I sort of stress giggle snort. “No promises.”
He gives me a fake frown. “You can’t do the easy thing can you?”
I bite my lip and shrug. “I’m a girl?”
He huffs and heads to the fridge and Bobby give me another hug.
I look at him after. “You’re not pissed?”
He gives me this kinda Rob/Bobby only grin. “You being a girl’s a good thing Steph.”
I blink. “It is?”
“Yeah, Me…Will…Mark…Dad…and Steven…It was getting to be a total sausage-fest here y’know?”
“……………….”
I start laughing and everyone else kind of starts laughing and giggling as the tension breaks sort of weirdly.
Rob’s got this big goofy grin like I could just see him taking all that time with the drama and stuff just to come up with that.
I look at everyone there and I’m smiling and my eyes are still leaking tears and I’m kinda lost.
“I…I don’t know what to do now.” I say.
Aunt Elsbeth smiles and turns to Mom. “It’s been a long day for both our girls Nance how about we circle the wagons and M.J. and I stay the night.”
Mom nods. “Slumber party?”
I…. “Slumber party?”
“Well just more of a sleepover, you two’ve been through so much and are so close it might just be a good idea.”
I look at M.J. and she looks at me and she kind of nods a little and bites her lip some.
I go over and slip into a hug with her. “If it’s okay…then I could really stand not being alone right now.”
She sniffles and hugs me with this thank you look. “Me either.”
Mom nods. “Then it’s settled then?”
Dad grins and hugs me and M.J. Then Mom and Aunt Els. “C’mon guys stuff to do. Homework and stuff outside.”
He kisses me on the forehead. “Welcome home angel.”
(Sniffle.) “Thanks Daddy.”
He leaves with the guys and then Jenn hugs me. “Welcome honey, you need anything you call okay?”
“Okay…thank you…”
“I’m going to head home okay?”
I nod and hug her back. “Dance lessons some other time?”
“Definitely.” She smiles as Mark holds her coat open and she puts it on. “Before this Saturday.”
M.J. and I both hug her and she leaves with Mark saying. “I’m going to walk Jenna home.”
We wave them goodbye and then we’re looking at each other a little and Mom grins. “Alright baths and jammies and movies and we’ll all settle into Stephanie’s room.”
Stephanie’s room.
Mine….
Me.
I’m grinning as we all head upstairs and Mary Jane and I are hip to hip and I’m just kind of swimming in it? I mean I’m out…I’m out to my family, they love me and everything but it’s still so much…I feel like I’m out of sorts, not unhappy but…I shock?
Mary Jane looks at me as we get to my room. “You okay?”
“Y..yeah it’s just…it…it’s so fast…”
She sits with me on my bed and she nods. “Really fast.”
I look at M.J. “Am I even doing the right thing?”
She looks at me. “Honestly?”
I nod.
“Yes…Totally and utterly yes. Look Steph when I met you it was pretty obvious to me that you were different. Then I got to meet the real you and saw the way it just looked when you put the Steven mask back on. Just saw mind you how much pain that was causing you and not what you’re actually going through each time.”
I’m looking at the floor. “It sucks.”
She Pffts. “Sucks, It’s more than that.”
I nod. “But what do I do about school? What’ll he other kids think?”
“They’ll be little assholes about it and there’ll be some that’ll hate you ad some that’ll have parents that’ll lose their shit. But there will be others that this won’t be a big deal for. It’s getting more and more out there.”
“I’m scared.”
She leans on me. “Steph….big news, we’re all scared.”
“Yeah but.”
“You’re such a girl stop obsessing over you’re butt.”
I laugh a little. “Okay…I feel better thanks.”
“It’s cool we’re girlfriends remember.”
“Yeah…and my butt’s too skinny.”
“Yeah for now but that’ll be just right by the time you’re your mom’s age.”
“Really? I can’t imagine…well I can but it’s more real now. Before it was dreaming.”
“Well no worries I mean look at your mom you’re going to be gorgeous.”
“Thanks, but I’d rather have just grown into it.”
Mom comes I with Aunt Elsbeth carrying a whole bunch of stuff like one of those bed in a bag things and there’s clothes and make-up and DVD’s and all sorts of girlaphernalia.
We set up the bed and we take turns using Mom’s bathroom in her bedroom to take a bath. It’s the first bubble bath as a girl with all the nice girlie stuff that goes with it and I eve put and pin my hair up so it doesn’t get wet.
There’s this huge sigh that comes out of me as I sit and I soak and I’m good for about five or ten minutes before I burst into tears. I’m happy but it’s so scary now too on a whole other level of real.
I’m crying because of nerves…it’s all unwinding here in the tub and I’m right in what feels like a panic attack.
Roll on my side.
Shake…
Cry into the facecloth….
Then it’s just breathe, just soak in the heat of the hot water.
I’m there until I prune or start too and I get out and dry off. Lotion myself and a little powder and then I get dressed.
Panties, bra, ankle socks and one of Mom’s girly sleep shirts with Betty from Archie comics on it but in her bra and panties.
So don’t know where she got such a thing and I’m not going to ask.
I pass Will in the hall and tuck my head and blush…it’s…I’m out and stuff and he starts to cough as he goes by and taste the air. “Yeech, Holy cloud of Avon Batman.”
“It is not! I’m just using lotion and powder.”
He grins at me and goes in his room and calls out before his door’s closed. “Still Yeech Steph!”
I holler back. “At least I don’t wear Axe like it’s frigging soap! Like gag me with a spoon.”
I head to my room and oddly feel better for the whole exchange.
M.J.’s looking at me eyebrow raised and so’s Mom and Aunt Els. “Like gag me with a spoon?”
Mom… “Like Toa-tally.”
Aunt Els… “Toa-tally.”
M.J. and I are snerking and giggling and we all look at each other. “Like Toa-tally!” We shout it and we all sort of fall down together giggling and laughing.
Okay, I feel better now…I feel more grounded and more like myself than I ever had. We do facials and mani-pedi’s and I’m surprising them in just how much I know.
Hey when you’re a girl, you’re a girl and if you’re like me and actually like hair and make-up and the girly stuff the stealth or not odds are you’re going to know it even if it’s your first times. I’ve lived a hundred thousand little girl snippet lifetimes already.
I want the whole thing, I need it.
I’m going to…
M.J. comes in with popcorn and Aunt Els is putting on Season one of Gilmore Girls and we sip all together in this pile on the bed in the bag on the floor and pillows and comforters.
This...so much this.
Masks Chapter 20
*Before…
Okay, I feel better now…I feel more grounded and more like myself than I ever had. We do facials and mani-pedi’s and I’m surprising them in just how much I know.
Hey when you’re a girl, you’re a girl and if you’re like me and actually like hair and make-up and the girly stuff the stealth or not odds are you’re going to know it even if it’s your first times. I’ve lived a hundred thousand little girl snippet lifetimes already.
I want the whole thing, I need it.
I’m going to…
M.J. comes in with popcorn and Aunt Els is putting on Season one of Gilmore Girls and we sip all together in this pile on the bed in the bag on the floor and pillows and comforters.
This…so much this…
*After…
I do have a really great time and the whole thing is awesome getting to do all that stuff and have this kind of fun.
But it’s the closeness that has all the real meaning for me.
I think I lasted to about the first disc of The Gilmore Girls before the de-stressing really kicks in and I’m falling asleep.
I get my facial off and I love the way that it makes my face fee and my skin and wow…I think I could feel my pores feeling clean.
But it only reinforces the post adrenaline yawns and I crawl into bed and Mary Jane joins me and with more room Mom and Aunt Elsbeth are snuggling in together too. It’s kind of cute actually the way that we mirror and stuff.
If I wasn’t so sleepy I think my brain might have been a little more WTF over the idea of sleeping with M.J. I mean it’s not like I have a whole adolescent life of having these things and boys really don’t have that many sleepovers.
Okay I didn’t.
And it’s likely that it’s because even that young I knew that’d be off.
I drift off snuggled into my bed and my still new bedclothes and M.J. makes it better still with just that right kind of smell and presence that she adds to everything. It takes no time for me to drift away.
Dreams…
Really odd dreams and I’m not sure that it’s stress or the food or what…likely the stress though.
Carrie…There were snippets of my dream that were me as Alice but they had pulled the whole blood scene on me and they were laughing and stuff about it and it was just…well it was good that it was like only in snippets.
Then I was a dancer in a black and white video with Jenn and M.J. and Amber and Becky and we were doing dance ballet kind of stuff for Avril?
I was in a stewardess outfit but like from the seventies and stuff and I was on skates and serving drinks to the guys on my hockey team while they were on the bench.
The last one was so really weird because I was a cartoon and I was turning from being Steven into being a girl and I had these big full amazing boobs.
………………….. “Steph…Steph…wake up…”
“Mmmm…no…I have boobs and my boobs are awesome.”
“Well thanks but actually they're my boobs.”
And I’m awake!
And in the dream I was like so overjoyed at actually having boobs drawn or not that I was down the whole lift and rub and massage.
And I’m blinking…and I’m blinking and I have my hands fully on M.J.’s boobs like one of those whole kink girl things you see in like anime shows.
“Oh…oh shit M.J. sorry.”
“Uh-huh…I know, you talk in your sleep.”
“I what?”
M.J. does this imitation of me. “Oh god, oh wow my boobies are awesome.”
“Yeep!...sorry.”
“We’re cool though you could move your hands or I might just upgrade to a four.”
I move my hands. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”
She rolls over and looks at me and I have to be honest there is nothing sexual in this okay…nothing but with her hair messy and little bits in her face in the morning she is really beautiful.
I look at the floor and Mom and Aunt Els are there and they left the stuff there in my room and a note saying. “Making plans please pack up.”
I look at M.J. and she looks at me and then she does this most amazing thing and very envy inducing as she does that girl-cat-stretch thing and as she’s doing it she actually stayed up on her tip toes or rather the front of her feet and walked to the door. “Gotta pee be back in a minute.”
Oh how she looked doing that.
I really want to be able to do that too.
Then I see the clock.
It’s nine-seventeen in the morning.
“Shit, shit we’re late for school!”
I run out jumping over the stuff in my room and head down to the first landing on the stairs. “Mom!...Mom! You here?”
She comes out of the kitchen to look at me. “Yes honey.”
“Can M.J. and I get a drive and a note or something we’re going to be so late.”
“You’re not going today.”
“Huh?”
“Elsbeth and I talked it over and we thought that you too needed more than just last night to de-stress over things and there’s some stuff that I want to do today with you girls while Elsbeth’s at work.”
“I…oh…we’re playing hooky?”
“No, you’re taking a sick day.”
“Uhm we’re not sick?”
“It’s a mental health break day. You need one kiddo and so does your cousin and I want to spend the day with you two…plus we can get some stuff done.”
“Stuff done?”
“You’ll see. I’m making breakfast you want juice?”
“Uhm…sure.”
I head back upstairs and I’m a little befuddled but a little more bemused but I’m not going to argue with the fact that I don’t have to put Steven back on so soon and that I can get to be me for awhile longer.
But it really is so Mom to go with an emotional health day.
I think that she’s done that before too with Dad sometimes, or like back in some of his old jobs.
She’s a very work to live and not live to work kind of person.
I head to my room and look at Mary Jane. “Apparently we’re not going to school today.” I nod at my clock.
Her eyes widen. “Oh shit…wait what? Why?”
“Our mom’s think that we need another day to chill out and stuff. Mom called it like an emotional health sick day.”
“Uhm…okay but I just started at school I shouldn’t really be missing the time.”
“I think we’ll be okay, I mean the first month of school is all pretty much the paperwork stuff and all that other stuff so you really didn’t miss that much and I can help you get caught up with the rest of the stuff that you need to.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, we’re girlfriends remember?’
She grins and we settle and I then of course with the school crisis averted now have to pee too and yes…yes I pee sitting down…no shaking it and I use some toilet paper to dry myself.
And whenever I could I’ve always done this because splashing pee out and everywhere is effing gross and I’m not a fan of pee drips in my underwear either.
Yick.
I come out and I get changed and dressed and I go for capri pants in a soft green and a light blue top with a squared bodice that I can fill but I sort of and able to get the look with my stuffed bra and every once in awhile I can see my bra-straps.
Mine…me…
And wow I’m really doing this.
I mean I’ve actually walked around my house in girl mode without sneaking or feeling like I had to hide myself or any of that stuff. Okay I know that Dad and the boys aren’t here but still…there is a big difference between the way that this feel this morning and the way that it feels last night and before.
I smile as I fix my hair into a pony-tail and go and help M.J. with the slumber party clean up in my room.
You know the person who thought up the way to put these beds in a bag back in their case is a Gee-dee sadist right? We finally get it away after some very unthirteen year old girl like language.
Yes M.J. was responsible for most of it.
Because I would never.
Blink, Blink….
We head down stairs and we can smell breakfast and it smells really good. I go into the kitchen with M.J. and Mom has juice made in a pitcher on the table and then there’s some turkey bacon out. Mom nukes it because you get to a certain point and it goes really brown and crispy but you try and do that on a pan and even the non-stick ones tend to stick when it comes to turkey bacon.
And she’s making pancakes.
We actually don’t eat stuff like cereal that much unless we are really busy and even then we’re a Muesli and Granola and Shredded-Wheat kind of family as opposed to like Lucky Charms and stuff like that and we almost never have like frozen waffles in the house.
Dad taught all of us how to make pancake batter and we have as he puts it. “A perfectly good waffle maker.”
Though we still have cereal and me I like Honey nut cheerios, Mark likes Honeycomb and The twins are into Applejacks and Mom makes us buy them ourselves.
Mom looks at us and smiles. “Eat up girls we have a busy day today.”
I look at her. “Uhm…okay like what?”
I am grabbing some pancakes. Mom says stuff like that and she means it so likely nothing except maybe a snack until like supper time.
Besides I really do like pancakes especially mom’s because her’s are really fluffy and they sponge up the real maple syrup. That fake syrup’s another thing we don’t really have here.
It’s not that she’s a health nut or Dad it’s just like I said they grew up poor and living off plastic foods and stuff and I think that now that they have the money it’s one of those never again kind of things.
We’re eating and Mom’s saying. “We’re going shopping.”
“Shopping…?” My heart kind of…and Mom’s looking right at me.
“Yep just us girls.”
Eeeeep shit she wants me to go out in public!?
“Mom!”
“You look fine honey and we’re not going shopping here we’ll head over to Kitchener.”
“But…”
Mary Jane reaches over to hold my hand. “Steph you’re okay, you’re kinda flat and a little skinny in places but you’re definitely a girl.”
“I…uhm…”
Mom leans over the kitchen island. “Shop-ping.”
“Mom, I’m not that much of a stereotype!”
“No but I am and you need things and we need stuff for your costumes too.”
Okay…
Okay she’s got a point there.
It must have been written all over my face because both of them are grinning at me.
I screw my lips up a bit in that girly harrumph look and eat some more of my pancakes.
Oh shit I’m going shopping.
In public!
We eat and then Mary Jane runs over to her place to get ready and changed and I help Mom wrap a couple of paintings that she’s going to drop off to people in Kitchener. That’s more why we’re going there than just the fact that people might not recognize me there though it is the closest big city to us.
We get the car loaded and I’m so well nervous even doing that. I mean there’s cutting through the yards and stuff going from my place to mary Jane’s there’s like cover and stuff but we’re out in the driveway and Mom’s calling me by name and she’s acting like all of this is like totally normal and stuff and I’m just sort of feeling between sort of elated by just being able to do it and feeling exposed.
Like I was talking about being able to just be me so freely in the house it’s like my reality went and shifted on an axis or something.
There’s a huge difference between living this in my head and it being real.
Am I complaining?
Honestly I don’t know.
Do I want to be Steven right now?
No, but the temptation to hide behind being him is really strong like a reflex.
We get in the car and we head over and pick up Mary Jane who’s looking really chipper now and I get out and let her take the front seat.
She looks at me. “You okay?”
“Yes, no…scared and excited.”
“It’s your guys’s car you should take shotgun.”
“Uhm…no thanks I think I’ll revel in the incognito of the back seat for now.”
“Steph…”
“M.J….Mom…this is a lot okay…?”
Mom nods and she gives me a tender smile. “We won’t push it and if you want to get out of there at any time you just say and we’ll head home.”
She holds my eyes with hers and I take a breath and I nod. “Okay…cool….I mean I have to do this sometime right?”
Mom nods. “That and we need to do this kind of fast right?”
“We do?” I look at her.
She looks at M.J. who looks at me. “I kind of told her your whole puberty gun to the head thing last night while you were in the tub.”
“Oh…” I look at Mom.
She looks at me. “The sooner we get the ball rolling on you being you the better this will look to the people who we have to talk to about getting you on these hormone blocker things and then on the real stuff to get you started right? I mean I read that if we can catch this stuff sooner than not then it’ll be a whole lot less hard on you in the long run.”
I smile at her really touched, seriously touched that she cares enough to really get it.
Mom reaches over and she hooks my pinkie with hers.
“You’re my daughter, and I’m going to do everything to try and make all that misery and darkness just be part of the past honey.”
I swallow a big lump. “Mom…I…I…I never thought, never even dreamed that it’d be like this.”
“Me neither kiddo but if we step up and we take control of it maybe we can stay ahead of a lot of the rough stuff that’ll come with it.”
I nod a little dry mouthed. “I hope so too.”
I get in the back and M.J. takes shotgun and we only make a stop at Starbucks for coffee and I get to actually have a latte without the whole guybodeness of it and yeah while it’s not my first choice some times for coffee when it comes to latte and stuff like that Tim’s uses that powdered stuff.
And it’s like sixty percent non-dairy coffee whitener powder and I can feel it make an oil slick in my mouth.
Yick.
We head out and Mom turns the radio over to M.J. who plugs in her I-pod into the thingy in the stereo and we head off down the highway and we’re singing along with her newest song stuff like *Pocket Full of Sunshine.* By Natasha Bedingfield and *We’ve got the Beat* By The Go-Go’s which pleases Mom a lot and other songs like that.
We stop off at some gallery place in the back once we hit Kitchener/Waterloo and she’s talking to a guy that sort of reminds me of that guy that was like friends with like Eddie Murphy that ran that gallery in that Beverly Hills Cop movie.
So flaming acting.
Yeah I can’t say that he’s gay but I’d lay money on it and hey that’s fine but there’s a huge difference between how he’s acting and me.
No I’m not saying that all gays are like that either but the contrast just kind of sticks out to me this morning and all.
Then we’re off to go shopping.
We actually stop at a cute little thrift store place not one of the Salvation Army ones but…this May court place that’s nearly new. It’s sort of like a bit like the Salvation Army and stuff but we’re only there long enough to browse and long enough for mom and me to pick out a nice cute purse/handbag.
It’s this sort of deep red faux leather with a nice broad strap and the button over flap and it doesn’t look to be like overly dated and the red is kind of like a sort of brick meets lipstick shape and really good for fall.
And just so I look okay I get a brown Root’s wear hoody there too for like seven dollars.
No really I just bought a top to match sort of my purse.
And it’s so kind of this makes sense moment.
I mean I would’ve gotten something that went with what I was wearing but everything else was denim or it was like an old lady bag. And I’m not saying like Mom old but like old lady, old lady looking stuff.
But even some of those were pretty in a really retro kind of way.
Then Mom slips me a wad of cash.
Blink, blink.
“Mom?”
“Missed Christmas and birthday presents. I’m still going to buy you stuff that you need but you deserve to be able to buy some things that are strictly for you, for Stephanie.”
I look at the money. “But…this is a lot of money Mom.”
“It’s five hundred dollars kiddo it’s a really big amount of money but I meant what I said and it’s going to be the vast bulk of your Christmas presents this year too.”
I nod. “Okay…okay gotcha…Mom?”
“Yes honey?”
“I can do whatever I want though with this right?”
“Yes….” She’s giving me the parental eye as she’s saying it.
I turn and look at Mary Jane and I give her half. She’s just staring at me. “Steph…no I can’t.”
“Yes you can, please…I know you guys are running things tight and stuff and if we’d actually been girlfriends all of my life we would’ve shared this stuff all the time any ways so please…”
“But…but it’s you’re money, it’s you Christmas presents.”
“You’re my best friend; you are the best present I’ve ever gotten M.J.”
“Stephanie…..!” She cries and I cry and we glomph on each other and we get that bad we have to stop and go back in the store to use their bathroom and fix our make-up.
Crying in public and not getting shit for it, being this close with my best friend and doing this and not having the sky come falling down on me is.
Well it’s past awesome and when we get back out and ready to go I see Mom looking at me with this look like the kind that Dad gave Steven.
But it’s the that’s my girl look.
It feels so damned good and really so big…I mean this is kind of this first thing that I’ve done that is all me and that made her look at me like that.
I smile and take a breath getting into the car and I feel a little bit stronger inside for it.
Masks Chapter 21
*Before…
“Stephanie…..!” She cries and I cry and we glomph on each other and we get that bad we have to stop and go back in the store to use their bathroom and fix our make-up.
Crying in public and not getting shit for it, being this close with my best friend and doing this and not having the sky come falling down on me is.
Well it’s past awesome and when we get back out and ready to go I see Mom looking at me with this look like the kind that Dad gave Steven.
But it’s the that’s my girl look.
It feels so damned good and really so big…I mean this is kind of this first thing that I’ve done that is all me and that made her look at me like that.
I smile and take a breath getting into the car and I feel a little bit stronger inside for it.
*And Now…
We’re a happy and kind of sniffly but in a good way sniffly bunch on our way out to the mall. I’ve been to The Fairview Mall before actually a fair amount really but this is the first time that I have been here as me.
It’s a little nerve wracking at first getting across the parking lot and just going inside because this is really out in broad daylight kind of public.
It turns out that it’s actually pretty okay. I mean it’s really mostly adults here and older kids and stuff and I’m at least under their radar because well I’m thirteen and skinny and stuff while M.J. well honestly she could pass for sixteen or seventeen and that means that there are guys looking at her.
And older than sixteen or seventeen year old guys too.
Yick.
Sometimes guys are complete pigs.
Some and nowhere near all but there’s just stuff that you have to notice, that you are aware of as a girl that you have to think about as a girl that you don’t really as a guy.
Most guys and the men don’t spend a whole lot of time looking at us they’re too busy with their own stuff but…
There is enough that as women…it’s noticed.
That is until Mom does the very pointed cough and glare at a few of them. I mean the ones that are like being like Yick with us but she doesn’t really do a whole lot about the guys that ogle her.
I mean it’s not a double standard at all really actually she seems to draw the attention of a whole other kind of guys or man and she doesn’t exactly like revel in the attention but she’s not really giving the grief either and actually it’s like when they see us with her the most there is a sort of eye contact and a smile or something like he’s saying that she’s awesome without saying anything.
And it’s kind of amazing seeing this whole real femme mystique thing going on up close and stuff and I’m still trying to get a handle on it and stuff.
“Mom?”
“Yes honey?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“How can you tell the good guys from the bad ones? I mean I can sort of see some of these pervy ones checking M.J. out a lot but…”
“Well mostly it’s a respect thing, the assholes don’t have respect. They’re usually full of swagger that they’re hot stuff that they think that they’re far more awesome than they are.”
Mary Jane hunches. “This, this is why I shop with people…I mean I like boys but like…”
“Gag me with a spoon?” I supply.
“Heck yes. I mean I’m still a kid and they are looking at me like I’m…” She does a shudder. “And it’s not like I can exactly dress like something all little kid obvious or something because some of them are like into that.”
Mom gives her a one armed hug. “There are a lot of bad things with being a girl too sometimes.”
I nod. “Yeah, but I’m not choosing this, I am a girl.”
They both nod at me and they smile. Mom says. “C’mon lets hit some stores and get away from the meat market.”
We head into some of the stores and there’s a lot of places that are suddenly not guyboden to me now. Oh there’s places like Aritzia that are make you drool until you see the prices kinds of places and stuff but there’s a lot more accessible stuff for the average human being to be able to afford.
But Mom still takes us into La Senza… that’s a boutiquey lingerie kind of place and since there’s no Vicky’s Secrets place we’re going into here and I’ll admit M>J> and I are staring at the stuff on the mannequins like we’re the little alien dudes from Toy Story only instead we’re going… ooooh The braaaaas.
I’m also really intimidated and actually so is Mary Jane and we stick pretty close together. I mean we’re still kids in a very big girl grown up kind of place and Mom’s talking Hottese with the clerk who seems to respond to it quite well and whatever that Mom is saying too.
Yes I am convinced that even amongst those of us that speak female that there is a sort of code language the hot girls seem to know.
Maybe not but have you ever noticed that when you see them they’re like in their own close and special conversations?
Yes, me too.
Mom calls me over and I head over kind of quietly and the sales lady is looking at me and she’s really, really great looking like she modelled the stuff here before deciding to sell it.
“Mom?”
“Let’s go to the change rooms Stephanie and we can get you measured.”
“Uhm…for?”
The sales lady smiles. “We want to make sure that we get the right sized bust enhancers for your body sizes.”
Uhm What?
“Uhm…excuse me?”
Mom just smiles at me and she takes me by the fingers to the changing area and she gets me to take my top off and then my bra and if I seem like a boy at all to this lady she’s not bringing it up as she measures me in a couple of different chest areas over my bust and I’m fluxuating in my colors from embarrassed red to sort of scared pale.
Then she leaves and she’s gone for a few minutes and she comes back with a box.
And when she opens it there’s boobs inside.
Like flesh colored boobs made of that jiggly silicone stuff and the lady looks at me.
“These should fit you just right honey for a girl your age. I know it’ll make you feel a lot less self conscious when you’re hanging out with the other girls that have stared already.”
“Uhm thanks….?”
“Here there is a glue that you can use. It’s water proof but it comes off with alcohol and that’ll help you from having equipment malfunctions.”
“Uhm yeah losing a boob might be bad.” I offer.
She smiles and says. “The best way to actually fit them in place is…” And she takes the tape and wraps it around my chest again and then takes my hand. “You should have the inner edge of the breast these many of your fingers wide from your breast bone okay?”
“Uhm okay….”
Mom looks at her. “Thanks so much but would you have any ideas about the seams?”
“Sorry these are only realistic looking inserts and not a real like prosthetic that has flaps that you can use. The best thing I can think of is to just wear a concealing bra.”
“I…I’m good with this…This is more than alright.”
“Good well you enjoy and have fun with those.” She leaves and Mom looks at me. “I’ll leave you to it and I’ll go pay.”
“Uhm okay…and uhm Mum?”
“Yes Honey?”
“Thanks, this is really cool.”
“I thought it was scary.”
“It is…this is sooooo real and so scary but it’s still pretty awesome.”
“Good. Being the awesome Mom was what I was kinda going for.”
I hug her. “You’ve nailed that one years ago.”
She hugs me back then heads out to pay and I’m getting the glue and applying it to the back side of the breast and measuring with my fingers and attach the first one and wait.
M.J. knocks. “Hey can I come in?”
“Sure you wanna be weird and help?”
“Help?”
“Help me put on my boobs.”
She’s inside in a flash and she’s staring at me. “Oh…okay cool.”
“Here you hold this one in place while I do the other one.”
She does and she’s standing there with one hand on my right boob while I put on the left one and she’s grinning after a few minutes.
“What?”
“Payback.”
I blush, yeah I was dreaming and I went a little far thinking something was mine when it wasn’t.
It takes about five looooong minutes to get them dry and M.J. gives me a spritz of her perfume to kind of kill the scent of the glue and I get my bra on.
The weight even with this whole middle A-cup is surprising, and if anything it feels about ten times as right with that weight and stuff up where it’s supposed to be than my boy-stuff ever has.
And I can’t help myself from doing a few once I’m in my bra experiment bounces and shimmies.
Wow…oh wow…
I’m happy sniffling as I’m putting my top back on and I’m dabbing at my eyes to not mess up the make-up that I’m wearing. It’s just mostly eye pencil and some light flesh pinkish lipstick but still.
I’m smiling and holding hands with M.J. as we head out of the changing room and I see Mom looking at me and smiling.
“You look amazing Stephanie.”
“Thanks Mum, I feel amazing.”
We hug and we leave and I even wave to the sales lady who waves back with that sort of fairy godmother good deed kind of expression.
If she only knew.
We go from there though to some more normal kinds of shops and places.
Banana republic, Bootlegger, BlueNotes, Dynamite…okay they’re kinda trendoid pricey too...But we go to Garage where there’s some nice stuff and I get a few tops and a skirt that I like and we end up actually heading for Sears and The Gap…I know it’s trendy and some people think it has this whole bad rap but I actually like some of the clothes and the prices are that bad either.
And Sears isn’t that bad either it’s kind of high end middle class wear with some good sales in it from time to time. Mary Jane and I kill a large chunk of money in their cosmetics section even with mom buying some stuff there for me. I really barely have any of this stuff and I need so much of these things too and I’ll admit I’m a little bit of a make-up snob since I’ve red up on it so much including a whole bunch of reviews on the stuff and I actually have this whole debate and conversation with the sales lady there that has Mary Jane looking at me a lot and mom looking surprised but she’s smiling too.
I get my first dress there. It’s a grey sweater dress and it looks amazing on me.
Okay, I need more hip and butt going on really but it’s still awesome with my and my new moves like the real thing and drapes like the real thing breasts.
I notice too that I’m moving different, the weight and the way that it feels that I should move is changing the way that I move in little ways but in the right ways. My biology might have made this huge error in me and says no but my brain, my heart is saying yes and there’s something else too.
I am for the first time feeling sexual.
No not like poof and I’m into guys or girls but that feeling of actually having my right gender and the way that I’m moving…the weight that’s always supposed to be there is sending these signals to my brain that I’m a girl.
And I’m feeling that like on this kind of deeper level…like with the dress and running my hands over myself to smooth it out is way more of an experience now that I think that it was before.
I don’t feel so terribly odd.
And that’s really this honest way to describe it really. You feel terribly odd not being who you are and you know one hundred percent in your head.
That’s not really there as I’m trying things on and playing dress up with Mom and Mary Jane.
I feel normal.
We go from there to Ladies Footlocker for a few things and there’s some cute stuff there that M.J. and I both get like some sneakers and I pay out a big chunk of my money there getting those work out sneakers that help you shape your butt.
Hey, I need everything that I can get to help really.
And Yoga pants. I’ve really wanted some of those like forever.
Then we head to Payless Shoes and we get a bunch of stuff there that I need including some girl’s winter boots and some of those cute girl galoshes that have the cute patterns and stuff. I’m not calling them rubber boots.
I have cute shoes including a pair of white sparkly ballet flats that just completely fit the whole idea I have for the way that I want my Alice costume to look and they were eight dollars as opposed to the forty dollars that they wanted for these really cute white three inch open toe heels that would have worked too.
We head out to the car for a drop off the drive and find a parking space closer to the Wall-mart entrance and we go shopping in Wally-World.
Okay you can say a lot about the place and the way they do business and the sort of stereotypes of the people that shop there but I’m in the ladies and girls section with Mom and we’re getting some of the cute and cheap basics here like tee’s to wear around the house, night shirts socks and all of that stuff.
And the stuff for our costumes.
For my Alice I get white thigh highs and there’s some Halloween costumes that are close there for cheap and we get three of those and they’ll give me this look of this sort of light blue shiny faux satin dress kind like thing there and there’s this fluffy and draping white gauzy skirt in this princess thing that will make up the skirt part of my dress if we use two of them and we have the other things that will make up the look.
And then there’s stuff for M.J.’s Mad Hatter thing which is leggings that we find there in this sort of bright and crazy patterns and we get some of those so we can play with the look and there’s a top hat costume thing that’s like that magicians kind of thing that Mom says we can use and modify for the look. And a red and black bustier thing instead of the Mad Hatter vest.
We have the make up at home that we can use for Halloween and we get some more of that and we get glue and sparkle dust stuff in a whole bunch of colors and the rest is stuff for our actual Halloween costumes and I get a whole bunch of those rave toys. You know the chem-light bracelets and rings and stuff that you can find at the dollar store and there’s some pretty cheap lycra sports clothes that we get too and M.J. and I raid the aisle where you find all the kids tattoos and stickers and stuff and we’re having a ton of fun getting stuff and explaining to Mom what we’re going as and she loves it.
It’s a lot longer than I thought that we were at it and we head home in really good spirits and not even listening to the radio or the music but talking about the dance and the contest all the way home in full on multi-subject girl mode.
We get home and we unload and separate stuff and the stuff for the dance we take down to Mom’s studio and the stuff for the contest too and the back up to my room to put all of my stuff away and I’m having to pull out some of my Steven clothes out from my drawers and set them on one of my chairs and the same with some of my stuff from the closet too.
I’m just starting at it there this pile of Steven on the chair and Mary Jane comes over and she one arm hugs me. “You okay?’
“No, this is weird…I think I’m going to cry over this but I can’t…there’s just this…I mean it never went this far in my head y’know?”
“Nope…but I can sort of see what you’re talking about.”
I smile at her. “I want this so bad but I’m so frightened M.J.”
“You’d be nuts not to be.”
“Well I go for crazy but I’ve had a life time of frigging nuts.” I smirk and she giggles.
“Okay…points there. Look it’s going to take awhile…and we can like use this dance and stuff to like maybe get people used to the idea?”
“Really, there’s a big difference.”
“Not if we have them think that they’re having an uh-huh moment.”
“An uh-huh moment?”
“Yeah, like when it does come out they’re more like ‘oh well that figures.’ People kind of like feeling that they already knew stuff was going on.”
“You think?”
“Worth a shot really.”
“Yeah… I mean the worst that can happen is going to be the worst that can happen no matter what I do right?”
“Right! There y’go girl c’mon let’s maybe get some actual stuff done on our costumes and stuff while you’re Mom’s like super into it.”
“Okay, that actually sounds good.”
We head down and Mom’s putting supper in the oven which is Shake and bake chicken pieces and she’s putting some potatoes on to boil and then that’s about it and she sets her watch and the stove and we head into her studio.
Okay…Mom’s helping us to a point and she’s laughing at use trying to sew. Mary Jane’s not very good and I’ve never used a sewing machine before in my life. It’s actually kind of harder than it looks and it’s faster than it looks too. I lose control of the thing by stepping on the pedal too hard a whole bunch of times.
The big thing is my dress and the coat for M.J. she had to attach like tux tails to it and then there’s my dress which needs to be cut and altered and I wanted to turn the short puff sleeves into wide but dress straps and then getting the puffy skirt cut and measured to fit me.
It’s tricky to get the white gauzy stuff to sit right and to fight with it on the sewing table but I just get it done around supper or rather when Mom’s watch goes off.
It looks good now…kind of this shiny blue top with a white gauze shirt that trails down to mid thigh and looks like Alice in Wonderland from like Disney and a little like the movie and at the same time sort of like a ballet costume too.
With the stockings and the slippers and the right way to wear my hair.
I’m grinning.
This, this will look awesome.
Masks Chapters 22 and 23
*Before…
It’s tricky to get the white gauzy stuff to sit right and to fight with it on the sewing table but I just get it done around supper or rather when Mom’s watch goes off.
It looks good now…kind of this shiny blue top with a white gauze shirt that trails down to mid thigh and looks like Alice in Wonderland from like Disney and a little like the movie and at the same time sort of like a ballet costume too.
With the stockings and the slippers and the right way to wear my hair.
I’m grinning.
This, this will look awesome.
*And Now…
We go out to help Mom with supper and that’s us making a salad to go with everything and we dig through the fridge and I start chopping Romaine and cucumbers and we toss in some tomatoes that Mary Jane’s cut into like eighths and since we’re doing like chicken and stuff I grab a tiny little bit of fresh sage and fold a few of the leaves up really tight and chop it into fine ribbons.
And then some fresh thyme leaves and that should give it a sort of flavor and bite that will kinda taste like it should go with chicken. Mary Jane just dresses it with lemon juice and good olive oil.
Then we do the mashed potatoes while Mom makes her gravy off the stuff in the roasting trays from the Shake and Bake…she blots a lot of the grease off with paper towels and she then adds chicken stock to lift all the browned bits off of the roasting tray and she adds her secret stuff.
No seriously mom makes the best, best chicken gravy on the planet and maybe even the known universe and the stuff she adds is in a mason jar in the freezer of the fridge. I’ve tasted it and it’s floury and yet it’s super yummy too and I can’t place it exactly though some of it I’ve tasted before.
My mouth’s watering at the thought of that and the smell. I hope it’s a thing she…I grin.
“Mmm…that smell awesome as usual Mom, y’know that might be something that you really might want to think about passing on to your daughter someday?”
She bursts out laughing. “When you leave for college and not until then young lady.”
I grin. “Deal…that’s really cool Mom thanks.”
“Well there’s a lot more that I’d like to teach you so you can pass on to your kids honey.”
“Uhm Mom…?”
“Yes honey?”
“Uhm biology…”
“You never know who you’ll end up with Steph, you could adopt or even meet a guy or a girl that has kids.”
“Oh…”
“And they’ll still be your kids Stephanie.”
I smile and look at her because that was something I had thought about and stopped. I thought it was something I’d likely never have but she’s right.
On both counts.
We set the table and it’s actually almost a count down as Will and Rob get home first and they’re dribbling a basketball sort of playing one on one with each other or the moves at east up the walk then steps and inside the house.
“Guys not inside!” Mom yells and Rob bounces the ball trying to groin whack Will. “Got it Mom!”
Will catches the ball but soon after they’re racing past all of us and headed up the stairs. They’re so loud and there’s that definite guy thing that they’re giving off…sweat…and way too much body spray.
“Yick… I’m so dreading gym class right now.”
M.J. nods. “It’d be totes different if you were like into guys and stuff but I guess that’s kinda gross when you’re like surrounded by it.”
I nod. “At least I don’t gotta do it as me with then and stuff.”
“You’d be lynched.”
“Yeah likely but even still…bullied, teased…who knows what.”
I take a big deep sigh. “Man…school is not going to be pretty when I come out.”
Mom’s looking at me. “Are you going to be okay honey? I mean going back tomorrow?”
“Yeah Mom I’ll be okay I just am really not looking forward to it especially after last night and today being myself and everything.”
“We could pull you out until you’re ready.”
I think about it and kind of seriously for a few minutes there would be pros and cons to all of this but…One I’d be leaving M.J. so scratch that and two no matter what this would follow me there’s no private schools around here that they could send me and I’d be accepted…I’ve looked and the one’s girl’s school I could find close to here isn’t LGBT friendly…and there’s only one other middle school in town so word would get there just as quick.
“No…no mom it won’t really help things any. I mean if I hide and come out then it’s going to be worse probably.”
Mary Jane nods. “Maybe this way with the dance and stuff we can sort of do a break in the impact?”
Mom tilts her head. “I’m not following?”
“Well Steph does the dance and then the contest and then we look more about coming out and people will be like…ooooh I knew there was something up.”
“You think that will work?” Mom asks.
Dad comes into the kitchen and wraps his arms around Mom. “Should be maybe…people like feeling like they connected the dots and stuff.”
I grin. “I was just saying that too.”
“That’s because my girl is smart like her Dad.”
I smile. “Thanks Daddy.”
Okay that was kind of cool and I like the smile that he gives me and then he’s nuzzling into Mom’s neck while steering himself to get a finger swipe of the gravy.
Mom’s grinning like an idiot obviously liking what Dad’s doing and I’m not one of those your parents are intimate eeew people instead I can honestly look at them and think that one way or another that’s awesome and I would love to have someone someday be that way with me.
And Mom’s like… “Oh smart like her Dad huh well what about her mother?”
“Well that will depend on who she brings home when she’s dating…but she’s definitely got you beauty and your heart.”
Oh god…I’m actually half way between being embarrassed and blushing because that’s kind of cool.
I’m not even going to go to that whole thing about me bringing someone home.
Mom kisses him… “Good answer Bucko.”
Dad feeds her the finger with the gravy and she…
“Ahem…” I cough.
“AHEM…!” M.J. and I both fake cough loudly.
They break apart but they’re still smiling and there’s this look between them that just says there’s going to be stuff happening later.
Hmm…actually kinda sorta an idea there.
I look at Dad. “You were going to say that it might work and something else?”
He nods. “We need to get you to see someone between now and then and get you started in counseling and stuff and have a medical excuse to get you out of P.E.”
I sigh with relief. “Yeah I think I could handle stuff so much more without taking P.E.”
“My daughter’s not changing any more than necessary with a bunch of teenaged boys.”
“Daddy! Eww no it’s not like that! I know these guys and I’ve seen way too much gross stuff than I ever want to have seen.”
He nods. “Well it’s still where you shouldn’t have to be and we need to get that going.”
Mom nods but she looks at me. “If you think you’re ready honey I can make some calls and see if we can get an appointment?”
I nod. “It’s not going to go away and really…honestly I am just sick of facing down that hormonal doomsday clock.”
Dad looks confused.
Mom leans on him. “She means seriously hitting boy-puberty.”
It takes him a minute and he looks at me and I…
The...
The thing is I really know that this isn’t bullcrap or anything and he’s really looked into this and thought about it because I’m sort of doing that arms folded hug-myself-rub my arms thing and I can see him looking at me not with pitty or with like him being upset that I don’t see being a man as a good thing but there’s this look that just says.
He’s sorry, but not like a fault thing but like I’m seen him with people that have real stuff to be upset about. Like when we lost Aunt Kristen…Dad’s old secretary who died of breast cancer.
She was sick and he’s looking and then he’s hugging me like it’s a real deal for him. Like my transgendered thing is a medical condition.
I hug him back and I love this.
I love that I’m allowed to I love how safe he makes me feel right away and I love how strong he is.
God it’s as corny as heck but I remember when I thought my Dad was the strongest guy in the universe to me.
I like getting some of that back.
He kisses my cheek. “Well I’m going to go clean up.” He slips over to the fridge to get a beer. He’s not a big drinker so it’s not like that but a case a week is usually what him and mom and company might go through.
Mark’s the last one to get in and he actually does the one armed hug and cheek kiss to me and M.J. and Mom before heading upstairs and to shower.
The fact that mark included me was and is very cool.
Supper’s supper and it’s as usual the twins eating like they’ve never seen food before and Mary Jane and I both take a wing and a leg with a thigh before things are gone even though Mom cooked like two cut up chickens and normally I’d go a little lighter but we pretty much skipped lunch so I’m hungry bur I go for more salad than the potatoes though I have a scoop and some gravy.
I do my usual and I pull off the crispy skin off the thigh part and I stuff some of my mashed potato with the gravy into the skin and make like this little tacoey thing out of it and eat it that way.
I grin when M.J. copies what I did and the foodgasm look she had was pretty amusing. My brothers don’t really take the time to do it and Mark takes the other two wings and a little mashed potato and gets a plastic dish and he puts some gravy in first then the potatoes and then the wings on top. Mom’s looking at him head turned questioningly but smiling. She has her mouth full but he smiles and blushes. “I’m bringing Jenn some of this for lunch tomorrow okay?”
She gives him a thumbs up and me going with that I snag a chicken breast and make Aunt Els up a plate and set it in the microwave. Mom grins at me and we just kind of eat and stuff and then when we’re done M.J. and I clear the dishes and Will and Rob step up and start washing them without being asked or told.
I look at Will.
He looks at me. “You’ve got stuff to do; Rob and I swung by and got your homework and Mary Jane’s stuff too.”
“Really? Thanks Will, Rob.” I kind of tentatively give him a peck on the cheek and he squirms and blushes and Rob actually leans in for his and grins.
“You can kiss a little lower and back.”
I hit him in the arm. “Don’t be a jerk you were being really sweet till that.”
“Ow…shit, that’s not lady like Steffie.”
“It’s not Steffie, Ever…and you should be so lucky I’m not wearing rings yet.”
He snorts and I kiss his arm. “Baby…better?”
He grins and Mom cocks her head at me and she takes M.J. back in to work on the costumes and stuff and a lot of it’s the Mad Hatter coat getting it looking crazy and threadbare and then the hat which we spray down with spray can varnish before we plaster in with different kinds of red and purple glitter and set it to dry and I even go upstairs and get our homework from where the guys set it on my vanity and I get the roller skates and we sort of work on them and do our lessons at the same time.
Thankfully not a lot of homework and we get that done pretty easy and Mom is smiling as we go over it with each other and she even helps and she’s actually pretty smart when it comes to my Science questions and stuff.
I get stickers on M.J. skates going for a lot of bloody sort of stuff and lots of strawberries and there’s these red-pink balls of glow in the dark plastic I thread onto the laces so they are in the center of her foot and I do the same with mine but a lot more neon yellow and some of the other colors so I get the rainbow thing going.
Then I’m putting glow in the dark sticker on my pads and the helmet and M.J.’s decorating hers with more strawberries and like violent but cool looking stickers.
Mom even makes us a couple on loot bags for trick or treating with Rainbow Raver and Strawberry Hurtcake written on them.
We do that until about eight and then Aunt Elsbeth’s there and Mary Jane has to go and she and I end up getting all of her stuff too and I help her and Aunt Elsbeth load it all into her jeep.
Mary Jane looks at me and she’s getting all weepy. “Steph…I had the best day…I mean it…no one I knew would have done what you did and…”
I hug her too. “We’re family and we’re girlfriends, M.J. you’re my best friend. You missed out too on a lot of stuff with like the whole exception of like mailed in presents and stuff…they kinda don’t count and besides….”
(Sniffle.) “Besides?”
“It would be a really uppity and mega bitch thing to do to walk around and spend all that money when you were broke.”
She nods and we hug some more and I hug Aunt Elsbeth and I head inside and wave until they’re gone.
Sigh…
It just made tomorrow feel all that closer.
Mom’s there in the doorway when I get up the steps and she hugs me.
“Thanks Mom.”
“No kiddo, thank you.”
“Thank me?”
“Yeah, y’know as a parent you kind of wonder when stuff can happen what your kids will do and honestly I never thought of M.J. having some walking around money. I mean yeah I bought for you both but…like you said your own walking around in purse money that’s different.”
“I just did what was fair Mom.”
“Yeah Steph you did and I couldn’t be more proud.”
I hug her tight.
“Love you mum.”
“Love you too Stephanie.”
I’m smiling and I head to get ready for bed….
That’s setting out my books and Steven clothes and then I go downstairs and I make up my lunch. Yes I’m sort of procrastinating but it’s back to being me tomorrow.
No…Steven, not me.
I look through stuff and I’m planning ahead. I am pretty sure if I do like last time that I’m going to be sharing the food with the girls.
Hopefully I’ll get to sit with them and stuff.
I dig through the fridge and freezer and cupboards and I get a zip lock baggy with leftover salad in it. I add a folded paper towel inside so it sucks up some of the water. I unthaw and nuke six veggie eggrolls and I toss them in the over to just brown.
Yes I like cold eggrolls.
I cut up some apple slices and I toss in a capful of lemon juice. Dad told me that I guess it keeps them from going brown and I add a teaspoon of sugar for all three apples worth of slices and then I shake some cinnamon into the baggy I have them in and I pack a couple of those little Halloween bags of chips.
Yes I know chips aren’t good for you but I’m a girl I like chips.
Though I have to agree the whole UK thing of calling them crisps makes more sense. Chips should be like what we call home fries here like literal chips off of potatoes.
Yeah…that should be it and I even load the coffee maker.
Sigh…dammit it’s close to ten.
I head upstairs and I get undressed.
Hair too and boobs too.
Though I do stand there and stare at myself in my new mirror on my closet door for a long time.
I’m not even sure what I’m feeling y’know I just have to look.
See myself.
Then it’s off to shower and I do my rituals of Stevening tonight instead of in the morning because the morning and facing school well it’s just something I think I might need space for now.
Kind of like having to sort of psyching myself up for it.
*Chapter 23...
I think that I was right to do everything all early and stuff.
I slept better than I thought I would and the little bits of dreams that I did have were kind of shopping dreams.
I think I was all me in them.
I think I was alone too in the mall and barefoot.
But that’s about all I can remember.
But yeah, for a Thursday it’s remarkably like a Monday in how I feel about going back and being Steven.
I do stop myself from diving funky first into a mood and I look around my room as I’m sitting on the edge of my bed.
Okay…Close my eyes again and a deep breath, and another and another and just take it all in. My room, this is my room, the things in it are mine, this is really happening.
It’ll all be here when I get home.
Okay…that helped.
I head downstairs with my stuff and get some coffee and pour my thermos full and I get some breakfast.
Just juice and toast this morning for me. I had that big supper but still…two slices of homemade bread and I get out the jam. There’s an open bottle of my favorite and it’s one of Mom’s creations and it’s a dark plum jam or rather there some plums in it but its mostly strawberry jam. Dad likes big chunks in it and so do I and Mom will cook some down and then she’ll add a couple of boxes of berries pretty much still whole. Yeah you go through a lot of it because it’s chunky but it’s so good.
I make toast for everyone else that’s getting up and microwave the rest of yesterdays turkey bacon and I whip up some stuff for some scrambled eggs and Dad’s down first and I pass him his coffee and he gives me a kiss on my cheek and a hug.
“You going to be okay angel?”
“Yeah…I think I am, scared and it’s not really me even more than ever Dad but I’m okay…I’m on my way right?”
He gives me a booster squeeze. “Definitely.” He passes me a folded paper. “Your excuse for school.”
“Okay, thanks Dad.”
I make the eggs and he get’s another coffee and a small plate with eggs and the turkey bacon and he heads upstairs.
Sigh…They’re married all this time and he still does these little things like that for her. Well that and after that look from last night I’m pretty sure that he and she got lucky.
And that’s still kind of sigh to me because I think that those kind of relationships where you just go through the motions have to be pretty sad to be in.
Mark comes down and I make sure there’s enough for him and the twins and I get my stuff as mark’s piling on marmalade so think it’d choke Paddington Bear.
I loved those books when I was little and the old animated show too well not animated but the one with the teddy bear puppet.
Yep, I’m a total girl aren’t I?
I head out to go and meet Mary Jane which is sort of becoming a ritual and stuff but it saves me from getting on the same bus with the same people this year and my brothers which might not be so bad but still I kind of like the fresh start sort of feeling I’ve been getting from this.
“Aaah! Dammit!”
I’m just hitting the last stand of trees to get to M.J.’s and I get spiderwebbed right in the face!
Yick!
Yick, Yick, Yick and there’s nothing like a shot of pure adrenaline first thing in the morning to get the coffee in your system to go into over drive.
And you ever notice when you get webbed suddenly you instantly turn into like a kung-fu master.
Actually I think if anyone seen me failing around I’d look closer to Zoidberg having a freak-out.
(Self-snerk)
I get to Mary Jane’s place and Aunt Elsbeth is gone and I let myself in.
“Hey! You up?”
“Yeah, I’m in the bathroom.”
“TMI!”
“I’m doing my make-up!”
“You want coffee?”
“Yes please!”
“Breakfast!”
“No thanks!”
“You should eat!”
“No thank you it’ll just feed my boobs!”
“No it won’t!”
“Whatever!”
“Yeah like What-Ever yourself!”
I go into their kitchen and I make some toast and some peanut butter since I know she likes peanut butter and I do two slices and I take some granola they have and shake some into the middle to make a sort of crunchy peanut butter toast sandwich.
Okay that actually looks good, I might have to try that sometime myself.
I make coffee and I go for the instant since we really don’t have the time to make a pot and they have those boxed tins of that Café Sensation stuff and I put some milk in the microwave in her mug and heat it up until it’s hot and I make her a fake tinned cappuccino.
M.J. comes down with her stuff and I pass her the coffee I made for her and the sandwich on the plate.
“I said I didn’t want breakfast.”
“And you’re too smart and too pretty to be vain enough to get an eating disorder. We’ll work it off.”
“Huh?”
“Drink your coffee.”
She smiles around the mug and she gives me the finger but in that best friends way. You just got to know how to read it and she takes the sandwich and starts to eat.
“M’kay tis isbint bad.”
“I know, I made it.”
“Show off.”
I grin and I actually feel pretty good and we get our things and head to the bus stop.
And yes…I’m still jealous of her outfit.
Nice calf high boots with jeans that hug her really tightly and her hips took a rocking broad belt and a black Hard Rock Café tee-shirt that is really clinging to her upper curves and of course her over sized leather jacket and her hair and her make-up looks great.
Sigh…
She looks at me. “Sorry.”
“No…it’s cool but can I just sort of live vicariously through you some of the time today?”
“Sure!”
We meet the others at the bus stop and there’s the usual reactions the girls giving hugs and stuff and I’m included yay! And I get some smiles from hugging them without being a guyvert y’know and stuff and Becky tears off a chunk of M.J.’s sandwich in that girlfriend I’m stealing your food way that friends do and I grin at her.
And Ricky is still staring at Mary Jane’s chest.
“Dude you’re staring.” I slip in front of him. “Uncool.”
“Steven super boobs are very cool.”
“Well even if they are cool being a guyvert’s not.”
He looks at me like I’m the weird one. “Guyvert? Dude what the fuck.”
I sigh. “Look Rick, there’s looking and liking what you’re seeing and then there’s staring at someone until you’re making them uncomfortable and then add in the fact that we all know what you’re thinking and that’s just all sorts of sick Dude.” …yeah I emphasized the Dude just so maybe he’ll stop saying it.
He’s not a skateboarder or a surfer and stuff he’s just a perv.
He shakes his head but he’s now avoiding the girls and stuff and moves off to the corner. “Whatever dude.”
Becky and Holly are looking at me. “Thanks Steven that was pretty cool and guyvert? That’s kind of priceless really.” Holly says.
I shrug. “I’m weird I invent all sorts of like weird terms for stuff.”
“Well thanks for standing up for us. I mean creepy is creepy and yet a lot of guys just don’t get it.”
I smile and I actually lean on M.J. “Mary Jane’s my best friend pretty much. It’s not like I wasn’t going to say anything.”
“Especially after yesterday.” M.J. grumps.
“What happened yesterday? You two were like both absent?” Becky asks.
I look at M.J. and she does this hand gesture of after you as the bus pulls up and I know she means that it’s to talk. I might really be a girl but this girl might still be a gentleman.
You never know I mean if I end up liking girls it actually might come in handy.
“We took a mental health day; it was my Mom’s idea.”
Holly sighs. “Man…if only…”
Becky nods and we get in our usual seats.
I continue. “Well we went shopping and getting stuff for our costumes and well we both had some mad-money too and stuff so we went with Mom to Kitchener and the Fairview Mall and while we were shopping every now and then there were guys doing the whole scoping Mary Jane and Mom out and then there were some of them that were like old…old and pulling a Ricky.”
“Ick.” …Becky.
“I hate that.”… Holly.
And that’s kind of the conversation and well the places that we were shopping and stuff and I comment mostly about the stuff that M.J. bought and god…I mean really…I so want to share.
Mary Jane gives me this look and she slips close and she hugs me really hard but she looks at the girls. “You know we weren’t kidding about the best friend’s thing.”
She has their attention and Amber get’s sat down as we’re at her and Rachel’s stop and they’re looking at us.
“Steven came into a bit more than mad money he got five hundred dollars to buy stuff as like catching up presents.”
Amber tilts her head. “Catching up presents like missed ones?”
I nod. “It’s kind of a long story but yeah.”
Rachel whistles. “Five hundred is a serious pile of cash I could do a lot with five hundred dollars.”
M.J. says. “Two fifty.”
Becky’s like. “Huh?”
Ambers staring at me and her jaw drops. “You…?”
I blush and I shrug and I nod. “She’s my best friend and she’s never been around for any of the stuff I was getting the money for either so…”
I’m blushing more as they’re all staring at me.
I hunch and shyly look at them. “I just couldn’t okay? I…I’ve been going through a rough patch and M.J.’s been my rock and shopping with someone who has cash and you don’t would just be really sucky.”
Becky rubs my arm. “You’re okay right?’
It’s bubbling near the surface…and it’s really hard. My throat’s tight. “No…not really but I’m getting there.”
Amber crosses her arms on the back of her bus seat. (She’s sitting in front of me and M.J.) “You want to talk about it?”
I shake my head no. “No…I’m so not ready…but thanks for the offer…it’s really cool.”
Holly just looks at me and takes a drink of her coffee. “Are you gay?”
“What? Why would you say that!?”
And the other girls are all. “Holly!”
And she’s like. “What!? It’s like it’s not a big deal y’know.”
Amber swats her. “Yeah it’s not to you but peoples shit’s peoples shit y’know.”
“But we’re like friends?”
Rachel’s like. “No…actually Hall’s we’re friends we’ve just really known Steven a long time but we aren’t friends…not yet.” She looks at me and she gives me this sorry shrug. “That’s not saying I don’t want to be friends.”
Becky… “Me too!”
Amber… “I’m in too.”
Holly sniffles… “I already was in dammit that’s why I said it wasn’t a big deal.”
Mary Jane looks at the all pretty seriously. She’d been going from use sort of doing the side to side hug to hugging herself defensively.
“You girls really mean it?”
There’s some blinks and some surprised looks.
Rachel…not so much. “Yeah, hell yeah actually M.J. We’re nothing like those scunts you went to school with back in Lethbridge.”
Mary Jane and I are both looking at her.
“Elizabitch, she was all online about it. I guess she did like a Google search and dredged up a whole lot of shit about you last night and she was sharing the fuck out of it on her Facebook page.”
Amber nods. “And she’s going to have a rude awakening today too.”
We’re looking at her now.
Amber shrugs. “Friends or not that’s just a really shitty thing to do so I copy and pasted and set it to the principal and the vice principal and the guidance office and told them that these pages were carbon copied to the school board. That’s cyber bullying and it’s against the school’s TOS.”
I blink at her. “Really?”
Amber nods. “Bullying kills, and if it doesn’t it leaves scars for life. It’s why I went to go for student council in the first place. Some one does that and I will come after them.”
Mary Jane’s staring at her.
Amber stares right back looking M.J. in the eyes. “And doubly so if they go after my friends.” She leans over and she offers M.J. her hand.
Mary Jane’s still staring at her.
I give her a nudge.
She blinks and blushes. “Sorry…” she takes Amber’s hand and they shake hands.
It’s such a yay girl power moment.
Mary Jane stands up and leans over the seat and goes from a handshake to a hug and then we’re all hugging and I’m…I’m tearing up.
Dammit!
Rachel leans on me in the hugging and passes me a tissue. “Here you big Moe.”
Oh a Moe around here’s kind of slang for being a big girl…not in like size but being emotional without being EMO it’s like being emo without the black and the sad.
Yep, that’s me.
We stop at the school and Ricky shoots us a look and me a look and he goes. “Pfft fag.”
And there’s a couple of guys that he’s been sitting with saying the same thing too. I just…
Just great.
“Hey Rick?” Amber says as he’s leaving.
“What?”
“Knock it off or I’ll report you to the office.”
“Kiss my ass he’s a fairy.”
She looks at him. “Say that again, there’s witnesses.”
He flips her the bird and he leaves pissed off.
I hunch and she looks at me.
“It doesn’t matter what you are Steven you’re still our friend right?”
The other girls nod and even some of the ones not in our little pod but were on the bus anyways.
Holly’s like. “Besides he’s pissed that you called him out on him being a perv.”
I sniffle and laugh a little. “Guyvert.”
M.J. shivers. “Yick.”
There’s some laughter and then I’m getting hugged by the girls again and even just some of the girls on the bus as we’re getting all off.
And…
And I get off and the first thing that I see is the principal with Liz and company and the Guidance councilor and he’s walking her from the cab they usually arrive in into the front doors of the school and to the office.
She looks both pissed off and scared, her little trolly followers Sarah and Dana look kind of like they’re going to either pee themselves or drop a load in their panties.
And people are talking.
And some are looking at Mary Jane, and some of them are looking at Amber and I see her head off to the other kids on the student council there waiting for her like there definitely is something up and I hear Mary Jane sigh…
“You okay?”
She nods. “I’m feeling all Jurassic parky.”
“What?”
“All about the Amber.”
“Mary Jane!”
She grins at me and holds out her coffee travel mug for a refill. “I have such a crush right now.”
I can’t help but to grin back. “Yeah, it’s not that cold out.”
She looks around and there’s till people looking her way and they turn their heads like they got caught. She sighs.
“Fucking internet.”
“Yeah, you ready for today?”
“No you?”
“Hell no.”
We smile at each other and we head inside and start going to our classes.
………………………………By morning break it’s really obvious that it’s all getting around. The word about M.J. is spreading and the stuff that was said by those other girls had gotten around and there’s also the whole thing of what they all did to her going around from Amber and the girls and that the whole thing was investigated and stuff and it’s really a mixed bunch of stuff right now.
There’s a lot of kids that think that bullying and stuff like that’s not cool.
But there’s that other bunch that hit on gossip and the worst rumors about a person like sharks and there being blood in the water.
And then there’s me.
Crying on the bus.
All girlfriendy with the girls.
Adding to the gay rumor.
Which is feeding on the stuff with me hanging out with the girls the other day and stuff.
M.J. and I actually get called. “Will and Grace.” By some of the guys that are the guy jerky versions of the rumor-ho girls.
Mary Jane grins. “Okay, that’s actually smarter than I thought they could come up with.”
I nod. “Kind of surprised me too.”
We do end up in the cafeteria and hanging out with Holly and Becky who say Amber and Rachel are down in the office again with more of the whole stuff about Liz and her little online siege she tried to hurt M.J.
Then we see Toni with a Bristol board sign with really big letters. “I’m a lesbian and I’ve been bullied because I’m different!”
I…
She’s younger than me and she’s…
M.J. “Was she out?”
Holly… “Nope, news to me.”
Becky… “I thought she might be.”
I look at her. “Why?”
“Dunno, she’s different.” She shrugs.
“Different doesn’t mean gay.” I say.
“No It’s just….” She looks like she doesn’t want to be an asshole.
Mary Jane looks at Becky. “But It’s just like one of those ah-ha that’s it moments?”
“Yeah, that’s it!” Becky kind of looks relieved. “I’m like sooo not a hater.”
M.J. shrugs. “I’m Bi.”
“What!” Both Becky and Holly.
“I’M BI.” Mary Jane says it loud enough for everyone to hear it close by.
I look at her and she’s blushing and she has that shit did I really do that look on her face. I reach over and openly hook pinkies with her.
Oh yeah we’re both getting looks from those kids closest to us and the gossip whispers are starting.
She looks at me. “You sure this is okay?”
I nod even though there’s butterflies. “Yeah, it’s holding pinkies let them jump to conclusions and stuff.”
Holly… “Yeah they need the mental exercise.” She looks at me though. “So…?”
“Holly I don’t know. Honestly I’ve had way too much going inside of me that I have no clue that I like guys or girls.”
She strikes a pose. “Wadda about now?”
I smile. You’re insanely pretty and you’re a friend but I’m still just not ready to go there yet.”
She looks at me kind of seriously. “Man….that’s gotta suck being stuck I the middle.”
I give her a hug. “Yeah, it sucks and it really, really hurts.”
Morning break gets over and it’s back to classes and it’s all pretty much normal mixed with the odd look or ten but they’re kind of mostly from the same people.
Becky’s good when art class hits and we’re pretty much doing stuff for our projects with me making the little cardboard stands for the faerie stickers and painting them orange. The idea is a little jack-o-lantern paper mache with a sticker on a stand of a faerie or a pixie and I can drop in a little electric tea light and then some Halloween candies so it looks like the faerie’s camped out in one and is with her little candy stash.
Yes girly…but I can remember that there’s not a lot of really girl friendly stuff to get on Halloween. I mean stuff that people give out and I know that because I wanted some of that stuff.
Oh there’s another idea too. I’ll have to tell Dad because he’d actually love it.
Then it’s lunch and I’m kind of ready to meet up with the girls and I get my stuff from my locker and it’s surprisingly untouched and Mary Jane nods. “Me too, I was expecting some nasty stuff.”
“I was really expecting it.” I say. It’s true lockers are the prime sabotargets because you can get to them in off classes. And there’s slots that people can squirt or slip stuff through.
There’s notes there and I look at M.J. and she takes one.
It says “Cool.” and another has a heart drawn with “Hugs” Written in the center. And they’re all kind of nice. Mostly girls by the handwriting. Mary Jane looks at me. “I’ve been getting hug offers since like after break and stuff.”
“People get bullied M.J….I think there’s people that get it more now that it’s online and out there more.”
“My old school wasn’t this cool.”
“I think that’s part of it too.”
“Hmmm?”
“They’re trying not to be as bad as there. And we’re lucky…I mean as much as I hate to think it I’m a jock and stuff so I’m still kind of popular…and all that.”
“So there’s some we’re not as redneck stuff going on and sucking up?”
“Yeah, kinda and we’re tight with Amber and the student council girls and the dance stuff.”
“So, they’re not all yay happy fuzzy light and stuff that this is out?”
“Some…mostly I just think we’re really lucky too because not everyone has al this stuff going for them…It’s…”
M.J. nods. “I’d be different without all that stuff.”
I nod. “Yeah…sucks but yeah.”
“Doesn’t mean we can’t do some good with it though right?” She says.
“I’d like that really, we kind of don’t have an in school LGBT thing like the other school does.”
“Maybe we should ask Mark to ask Sonja and she can help us get ours going?”
“Yeah.” Okay…I’m kind of smiling now as we head into the cafeteria.
But….Then there’s Randy Sweet, the captain of my hockey team and he stands and he beckons me over where the other guys are at.
Where all the team is at for a change.
Gulp.
I head over and look at them and Nick asks.
“It true?”
“Is what true?”
“Are you gay?”
I look at them and I really don’t know what I can say, there’s some pretty fixed faces there.
Masks Chapters 24 and 25 the Finale.
*Before…
But….Then there’s Randy Sweet, the captain of my hockey team and he stands and he beckons me over where the other guys are at.
Where all the team is at for a change.
Gulp.
I head over and look at them and Nick asks.
“It true?”
“Is what true?”
“Are you gay?”
I look at them and I really don’t know what I can say, there’s some pretty fixed faces there.
*And now…
I swallow a lump.
“Does it really matter Nick? I mean what if it was…?”
He’s looking at me and some of the other guys. “We want to know, we’re your team mates.”
Randy adds… “For the record it doesn’t. I mean not to me.”
Tim pipes up. “Well it matters to me.”
I look over at Tim.
He puts his hand over his heart and puts on this hurt look. “Al this time, all these years and you never asked me out…Oh!…Steven how can you be that cruel!?”
I’m turning beet red. “Tim…screw off…it’s not like that.”
Nick looks at me. “Like what?”
Damn…I really can’t get a bead on what Nick’s feeling.
“I don’t have and never have been attracted to you guys or any other guys…period.”
Nicks like…. “Really?”
“Yeah really?”
“Then what about the rumors? They say you’re gay.”
Randy adds in diplomatically. “Not that rumors mean much.”
The others are nodding and saying stuff in agreement.
Nick’s looking at me like…So?
I sigh.
“It’s complicated okay…but…right now it’s not a gay thing alright?”
Nick gives me this iffy nod and the other guys are just sort of shrugging.
Randy looks at me. “You going to be okay?”
“Probably not, this is likely going to get a lot worse before it gets better.”
I’m telling the truth and yeah…I sound sad…I am sad because while they’re not…they’re still my friends as much as I could have friends like this.
They’re all looking at me again.
I rub at my eyes a little.
Tim passes me one of his cans of Sprite. “You know that whatever’s going on Steven that it’s not gonna like change shit right?”
I love the sentiment but a few of the looks say that’s not quite universal.
Randy’s looking at them. “Right, just like Tim said we’re not that kind of team right?...Right guys.”
And he’s actually being that kind of forceful, that stuff and sort of the attitude that made him the captain of our hockey team.
Oh this is so not the time to be finding things that you like about him Stephanie.
But yeah, it’s that sure and steady thing.
Guys…guys and a lot of girls really in my opinion have the wrong idea of the whole I like a guy with confidence thing.
If I was to say that if I liked any one but say a guy that I would want a guy that’s steadfast.
Sure of himself but not cocky and someone that is steady…
And now I have *Take it like a man.* By Michelle Wright stuck in my head sort of…
There’s a “Right” from the guys and it’s a little mixed but I…honestly I’ll take it.
“Uhm…thanks guys…I mean it really Thanks this is above and beyond kind of stuff…”
There’s some nods and that even seems to chill Nick out some and look over to the girls and to Mary Jane who’s only about ten feet away with me waiting but looking concerned.
“Uhm…guys…I’m going to go sit with the girls okay?”
Randy nods.
Tim looks at me then M.J. then me. “You know you two are cousins right?”
“Tim!” I kick his shin and M.J. comes over and slaps his shoulder saying. “Eww…gross why’d you go there?”
He grins and shrugs. “Because you two are like joined at the hip.”
Randy deadlegs him….that’s a charlie horse punch to the outer thigh muscle.
“Ow! Shit Mother-fu….” He stops and blushes looking at Mary Jane. “Sorry but yeah like you showed and Steven and you have been super tight.”
Randy… “Not that that’s a bad thing since Steven was pretty much absent from being social and stuff….which is part of…?”
I nod.
He nods.
Part of me really wants to talk about it, some part of me wants it out and done with but he’s not asking because asking more would be guyboden and I just…I’m way too scared to be doing the out thing right now.
“Steven and I are cousins…My mom and his mom are like best friends too and with all the stuff you guys heard about…they’ve been cool…better than cool and I….”
I one arm hug her and we lean on each other. “We’re best friends guys…that’s it.”
Nick’s giving me this look like yeah…gay. Like he just really pegged me no matter what I said before and Tim and a couple of the other guys are looking at me with this look that guys…and dogs get when they’re looking at something that they don’t get.
I can practically hear the Tim-Taylor/Scooby-do Harugh’s going off.
Okay, that helped a little.
Randy nods. “Okay you’re still coming to practice on Saturday?”
“I will if I’m still on the team.”
“You’re still on the team.”
Oddly for someone that didn’t want to play hockey and would have rather have learned figure skating this is kind of a relief?
I sort of wave to the guys and M.J. and I head over to the table where the girls are at and Toni has he sign out and taped to the edge of the table. She’s almost bouncing.
“You look happy?”
“I am, I love this.”
“This?”
“People being real.” She gestures at herself and she’s…well for one she’s wearing a white wig with the hair in those side poms like Sailor moon, she’s also wearing a Pink hello kitty shirt that shows her navel and a red tartan skirt and she has thigh socks on but army boots or something like them and a black leather mini jacket.
And she’s in the sixth grade.
And she’s black…well African-Canadian but she’s dressed in that Japanese sort of style thing.
I smile. “Okay Toni if there’s one thing that people can say about you is that you are definitely real.”
She gets up and hugs me. “Thanks Steven that’s kind of a bad thing sometimes and its waaay cool to get someone that’s just cool with me being me.”
“Actually I kinda think you’re awesome. Super brave.”
“Really?”
“Yeah…like Rilly.” I say it in my voice and in Vale.
M.J. Snerks and I look at her and she looks at me and we both go. “To-tally….oh my gawd…To-tally.” We do it in Vale and in stereo and then we all sort of crack up and I sigh in that feel better kind of way and I sit and take out my lunch and stuff.
I look at Amber and them. “So what happened with Liz?”
Rachel frowns and takes a nasty and aggressive bit of what looks like a shrimp burger? Toni rolls her eyes and Amber smiles. “Her parents showed and the town cops too and a few other people including M.J.’s mom and stuff and Liz wheedled and wept and still there was lots of evidence that she was out to cause shit and was cyber-bullying M.J. and Dan and Sarah caved and told on her.”
Oh…wow.
Amber smiles. “With that and her record with the other stuff she’s been caught doing and stuff she’s serving an in-school suspension for a month.”
I look at her. “What? That’s it?”
Amber shrugs. “It’s better that you think she has detention both at lunch and after school and she isn’t allowed to do any of her extracurriculars like Glee club or Cheerleading and she can’t go to the dance.”
Okay…that’s not bad.
Rachel swallows. “She should have been expelled for the year.”
Amber… “The evidence was light she got caught right away and they went light. The in school suspension is good because she can’t just like stay out of school and treat it like a vacation she still has all of her homework and stuff.”
I nod. “The real killer is the detentions and her not being able to do her extracurriculars. I mean she’s part of the whole we’re better than you crowd and stuff and a month out of the loop and she’ll be going buggy because she won’t be there to shove her personality down their throats.”
Mary Jane grins. “So she won’t be top dog any more.”
Toni snorques chocolate milk. “Elizabitch just got fixed!”
There’s some laughter and I kinda smile. “Guys…okay she got what she deserved we really shouldn’t be bitches about it either.”
There’s some nods and stuff and I take out my lunch and we shift topics to the dance and what we need and stuff like the streamers or if we’re going to have any and the other decorations and then the music.
We’re doing our own using the gym’s sound system but the school has a sort of music rating policy that we can’t play like stuff with like swearing or like violent like lyrics and stuff.
That’s okay we really just want stuff to dance too and not rapper stuff or like heavy metal stuff either.
Me I’m all for stuff that we can dance to and we work at the stuff that we want to play and it’s not just us setting the choices as some of the kids went onto the student council Facebook page and there’s a whole bunch of suggestion there too.
I’m happy because by the time that we’re done I have a list of the songs that we’re going to have.
I want to see if Jenn can show M.J. and me how to dance to some of these songs. I would really actually like to look like I actually know what I’m doing out there on the dance floor.
Oh and I was right about packing some extra food for all of us to snack on and even the little bags of chips get torn open and laid out flat for anyone to reach and take some.
I also feel kind of good about the smiles that I’m getting from the girls because I brought munchies and really girl kind of munchies for everyone.
The afternoon…
Shop class which still isn’t that bad and then Gym.
Oh that was just all sorts of uncomfortable…not just my own personal Yick factor but there’s the whole me being gay rumor thing and I’m getting stares and stuff and it’s taken the whole gym and the levels of anxiety in the whole changing thing into the next level.
It’s soccer again and Liz is being an ueber bitch again but that’s actually in general and I’m seeing her giving Dana and Sarah the cold shoulder while still hating on M.J. and there’s a few times the teacher benches her on fouls for shouldering and I heard her call M.J. “Daddies little hooker.”
That…bitch!
I…I am so tempted to just take a freak on her expensive plastic ass and put her in her place.
I jog up to her trying to keep her from getting passed to. “Liz just give it up already.”
“Shut up faggot.”
“You should shut up you’re the one being a freak here.”
“Me…that’s a laugh no wonder you and princess incest are so close, she giving it to you with a strap on fairy?”
“What!?”
I block the ball with my body and go to kick it away and she and I are in a fight for the ball and she’s kicking me and it hurts. It’s a good thing this is sneakers and Gym and not an actual soccer game because she’d have cleats on.
I am actually going to get past her because she’s concentrating on me and I’m trying to concentrate on the ball and she…
She spits in my eyes.
Eeew…effing Yick!
And then she’s off with the ball while I’m wiping at my face doing the herky-jerky dance because it’s…it’s just effing ewww!
And Ricky Simmons…the guyvert that’s pissed at me slams into me like he was coming after the ball and couldn’t stop in time.
“Faggot.”
Like I said I’m fast…on skates and I’m not a big muscled kid and I’ve never really tried to be so Ricky being my age he’s got a good twenty-five pounds on me and he sends me sprawling.
He gets fouled for it and has to go sit on the bench and I’m picking myself off the grass.
Mary Jane jogs over and asks. “You okay?”
I reach my hand up and she pulls me to my feet. “No…I’m seriously feeling abused right now and I’m really pissed off.”
“Yeah me too.” She’s looking at Ricky more than Liz. “That asshole is never getting a girlfriend.”
I laugh a little and nod. “Hopefully not.”
Mary Jane shakes her head. “Not if I can tell them what kind of guy he is.”
“He can be stuck with Liz.”
I grin feeling a bit better but once Ricky’s off the bench him and Trevor McNutt and Darren Adler all seen to have this hurt the fag game going on. I’m avoiding letting them have an excuse and I dodge and elbow by Darren and I shove him while he’s over balanced to the grass.
“You Goddamed Homo!” He swear-shouts at me.
He jumps up and he goes for me.
“Adler! Office Now!” The teacher yells it at him pointing.
“What! What did I do the pansy pushed me!”
“You’ve been gunning for him all game get to the office and take Simmons and McNutt with you!”
“But!”
Ricky’s pissed. “What did I do?”
“You know what you did! There’s a no bullying policy here and we don’t start fights and pick on other students for whatever reason.”
Trevor… “I shouldn’t have to go to school with fags and lezzies.”
“McNutt you just added a detention to what else is coming.”
He actually kicks the ball at me. It flies wide and he and the other two look really pissed and teacher/coach calls off the rest of the period and he marches the three of them to the office.
There’s some looks at me…there’s a lot of looks at me.
Guys and girls and just.
Liz goes by heading to get changed. “Typical gays, just have to be like the center of attention. I guess I dodge a bullet dating you.”
She does that uppity sway away and Dana and Sarah still follow her like they’re trying to get into her good graces and stuff and it’s like she did it first so that everyone else that has to go inside sort of looks like we’re following her lead.
I just wait and catch my breath and M.J. shares a bottle of water with me. I look at her. “I might be a girl but I can’t just…I just can’t get how some girls just…I mean…”
Mary Jane nods. “We’re just girls Steph, we’re assholes too.”
Then she takes a drink and gestures toward the doors that Liz went through. “Some of us more than others grantedly but still…”
I sigh. “I know and I’m just so frustrated because I get so mad at her and what can I do? I mean like this…hell I don’t even know about after I’m fixed…if I stand up for myself will me being me get thrown back in my face?”
Mary Jane looks at me. “I really don’t know Steph but you don’t have to go through this alone. I’ve got your back.”
She reaches over and we hook pinkies again and we head in the last in the class to go get changed.
With some of the others gone that’s a little less Ewww.
But there’s still some looks and its still eeew and there’s still the reek of way too much body spray.
I meet with M.J. outside the changing rooms and we head to our lockers and we go and wait with the other girls at the bus area and we get on and we head home.
It’s still Beck and Holly with Amber and Rachel doing the whole after school activities and stuff but Holly’s not in our Gym class because she takes something else instead I guess and we’re catching her up on the latest drama with what happened in Gym.
Ricky is not on the bus.
Ricky has afterschool detention.
It’s just sort of us gossiping about the whole thing and stuff and the hater crap and Liz’s crap and her being on the outs with Dana and Sarah because of them talking about what she did to Mary Jane online and stuff and Holly says that she seen Liz talking after lunch detention with Bonnie Durant and Megan Harper.
Both of them are those sort of wannabee preppy types. Middle class but not actually upper middle class but they really, really want to be more. They’re normally the kind of girls that jump on the gossipy bandwagon to tear someone down to be part of the crowd and usually not good enough for Liz to give the time of day to.
“Looks like she’s looking for more henchditzes.” I say as we’re getting off at our stop.
Holly nods. “Likely I mean holy crap that girl is an evil spell book from being Evilynn.”
“Evilynn?”
“Yellow skinned villainess from He-Man.” Holly says.
I nod slowly. “Okay…honestly I didn’t think you’d know about that stuff…heck I barely know about that stuff.”
Holly grins. “I watch the retro cartoons a lot their better and besides when I was like six I so wanted to be like The Sorceress or like Teela.”
I shrug but smile because she kind of lost me. I mean their like cartoons from like when my Dad was a kid.
I look at M.J. who shrugs too. “Beats me I don’t even know that much.”
Holly just grins. “I’ll share some episodes to you guys tonight okay?”
I’m like. “Sure.”
We actually hug and hug Becky who was texting through most of the whole thing but that’s cool anyway because she’s good people and we head back to my place and I let out this whole huge sigh when I walk in through the doors.
Home…safe.
“Stephanie! Mark’s bringing Jenn over for supper and we’ll be doing the dancing thing after that so you and M.J. better get a start on your homework!” Mom calls out from the kitchen.
“Right! Okay Mom!”
“We’re having veggie night tonight too so come help when you’re done changing!”
“Okay!”
I actually kind of run up the stair to my room and I toss my things on the bed and I head to the shower pretty fast and I take my phone and play some music as I’m getting showered.
The shower and the puff and the right smelling shower soap and shampoo and the Steven day is washing out of me as much as it’s washing off of me and I’m actually singing along with *Who You Are* By Jessie J.
It’s a really good song.
I’m out and drying off and it takes me about twenty minutes to get my boobs back on and my hair on and I feel so much better, so damned normal and right once I’m back into my things.
I pony tail my hair and I get dressed and I just go for a pair of charcoal yoga pants and my shape wear sneakers and one of cute tee-shirts that I got at the gap.
I can’t help but to add just a little coat of that really light pink lipstick too.
Mary Jane actually was helping and watching the whole thing and even with me being naked. And she never batted an eye or said anything except to help get my hair fixed on right.
Just like it is supposed to be when two girls are doing that stuff together.
She’s so good for my mental health I swear.
You ever make a friend that becomes so close so fast you kind of don’t recognize your life without them?
That’s my Mary Jane.
We head down stairs and from the look of the kitchen Mom went shopping and we’re doing veggie night.
Mom likes to have a veggie night hopefully once a week to sort of balance out the junk food we eat during the rest of the week.
We hug when we get in there and she pours us each a smoothie from the blender and I like them but the look on M.J.’s face is priceless.
It’s orange juice and carrot juice with a banana and some red sweet belle pepper juiced into it.
I grab some aprons and suit up and look at Mom. “Okay what’s first?”
Mom starts to give us instructions. We’re doing meatless tacos. And that’s a whole head of garlic in some olive oil and in the microwave to cook and make roasted garlic and then while that’s going on she has us doing mushrooms in the food processor and chopping onions…lot’s of them since we will use them for the stuff we’re cooking and as garnish.
Mom shows us both how to cook off the quinoa and then how to take it in a bowl with TVP which is texture vegetable protein. You can buy that now-a-days in the deli section of the grocery store right next to the tofu.
Speaking of the tofu she has a container of silken tofu for us too and some chickpea flour and we add it all together. The quinoa and the TVP makes up the sort of meat and the tofu is really jelly like when it’s silken and that kind of with the flour acts as a binder she says and we add the shrooms and the roasted garlic and all of the oil with it to give it fat content and some of the onions and stuff all for flavor along with a couple of shots of soy sauce mostly for the browning and we fry it off in batches in the non-stick pans and it sort of cooks up like hamburger and it sort of kind of comes close to the smell too…well sort of. A little less meaty but it still smells good and when it’s all done we toss it with chili powder and some chili sauce and pop it in the oven all lose and broken up but sort of on low heat.
Actually the more kind of crispy it gets I find the better it tastes.
I’ve had it before I’ve just never made it before.
The rest is garnishes and we have a lot of the burger mix made like six frying pans full and the rest is tomatoes and shredding lettuce and making salsa and slicing avocados and chopping herbs and cucumbers and getting the corn shells and the flour tortillas ready and the sauces and really by the time that’s done it’s actually a whole lot of food.
But we also set out some veggies as finger foods to like munch on and stuff and little dishes of pickles and mom makes dessert.
Silken tofu pudding…it’s two containers of silken tofu and some almond milk and some honey and she blends it all together then heats it in a pot on the stove and that’s when she adds some vanilla bean and some tapioca. Once it’s done she pours it off into little dishes and sets them in the fridge to set up.
I know some people don’t like tapioca but we do, I love it but this is a recipe that makes a really good pudding without needing eggs or the cows milks
Yep, we’re eating actually vegan tonight.
I liked this as Steven and I kind of like it more as myself. Don’t get me wrong I like pretty much most stuff and I like meat but at the same time I’m kind of girl enough that I actually find this interesting if not girl oriented.
Yeah it’s kind of a North American thing that girls are more inclined to do vegetarian and vegan stuff more than guys.
We’re done that and getting the table set and having a couple of bottles of water while starting or home work when people start showing up and Mark’s home first with Jenn.
We hug and stuff and M.J. and I end up taking her out to the boat garage and going over the songs for the dance.
“Can you show us how to dance to some of this stuff Jenn?” I ask…yeah so trying not to bite my lips.
I have a lot of Steven habits to fight still.
Damned guyoflage.
“Sure we can work with this. But lets open the windows in here we’ll want the air once we get started and I’ll get Mark to help too.”
“Mark?”
“Yeah there’s a big difference between girls dancing or solo dancing at a dance and dancing with a guy.”
“Oh…shit I never thought of that.”
M.J. laughs. “Oh well we might as well it’ll be all the more of a wow thing when they find this stuff out.”
“Okay…I want to learn too.”
We head inside and we eat and it’s a little funny since mark’s kind of still nervous and I think trying to make a good impression with Jenn and stuff and trying to use manners but with a fix your own taco thing going on it’s kind of hard especially with the twins and to be honest kind of the rest of use too.
Jenn brought that Korean stuff called Kimchi with her.
“Aren’t you Japanese?” Dad asks grinning as he’s piling a bunch of it on his taco.
Woof…oh I can smell this strong sour of spicy smell and sourkrautish thing too off of his taco.
“Well I’m Canadian y’know and my dad was in the forces and he brought it home with him as one of the things that he loves. We…we really don’t eat a lot of Japanese anything really home…noodles mostly mom has to have soba in the house and she has to have red bean and the rest is pretty much all over Asia but mostly just Canadian.”
He’s still grinning. “I was just kidding Jenn.”
“Oh I know here it’s even better with some seracha on it too.”
Okay…okay Dad doesn’t really know a lot of that stuff but he likes hot sauce and hot wings.
This is a little bit different.
We all laugh as he eats it all and he turns differing shades of red while doing it and then trying to put the fire out with beer.
He’s a good sport about it though.
Heck I even try a bit of it and I kind of like it. It’s very strong and I kind of choke on some of it.
Mark though he seems like he’s had some before and then it’s soon time for dessert.
Mom’s happy since there’s very little clean up since we went and id the cooking dishes as we cooked and the rest is eat in hand and stuff. Plus, there’s not a whole lot left of anything.
Jenn looks at me and M.J. and Mom and aunt Elsbeth. “You girls ready to dance?”
We nod and Jenn grabs Mark by the fingers and Mark grabs Dad by the hand. “If I have to go then you have to go.”
“Why me? I know how to dance already.”
Mom pushes Dad by his back. “Because you’re wife will be dancing too.”
“Oh…well in that case….Will? Rob?”
Will and Rob look at each other. “Yeah…we’d really love to be included and all but yeah we have dishes.”
Rob… “And homework…later.”
I don’t think that I’ve seen them move that fast into the kitchen before.
*Chapter 25...
I wake up and my feet are still sore…we were at it actually until midnight out in the boat garage with Jenn teaching us. There’s a lot of I think formal stuff to it like some of the Latin styles of dancing.
Salsa and Merengue and Mambo… which are all sort of the attitudes we should have with just doing stuff at a dance that isn’t like all the stuff at the club and really by no means was this like serious and formal but getting us into it and stuff mostly and then we went into learning stuff like…
Bop or Hand dancing and some Line dancing kind of country stuff and two step and the basic box steps for like slow dances and she even showed us some disco stuff and tried us out on some like street moves just so we kind of look like we know what we’re doing.
And from like six until nine it was like that and then we were just dancing and Jenn just sort of showing us what she’d just do kind of naturally with what she knows and what she would do with these songs just off the top of her head.
And from like nine until like close to midnight we danced with her stopping us to show us what we can fix, what we should just drop and not do and what we can try instead.
It wasn’t all work it was a lot of fun and we had breaks while we just listened to the music and I really enjoyed myself.
And well there was a lot of other stuff.
Watching Jenn was really like watching that TV show she was almost on and she is so beautiful. I mean she’s tall for being Asian or part Asian and she’s thin too but literally in that dancer way and she’s so graceful.
I was having this total wannabee crush going on and it was with her and with Mom and Mary Jane too. I’m calling it a crush because it’s not so much me being like jealous any more but it’s like so very much me wanting to be like them.
Mom can dance pretty good though it took her some time to get into it and shake the rust out.
Mary Jane has that butt and those boobs and though frigging hips. God she could really shake it and sway and do all these amazing looking things that are kind of in part just to how she’s built.
And then there was Aunt Elsbeth who was just under like Jenn in how she could dance. Apparently she’s not really that much out of practice and she does like yoga and stuff to which helps and she’s built like M.J. so she’s like….yeah.
So much yeah…
I’m the really green one and even Mark and Dad are better than me in the whole guy way and mark’s been learning I think because he moves way better than Dad did.
Well I suppose it could be an age thing too.
It was really cool and a lot of fun actually.
I am tired though and I’m sore.
I can feel the dancing still in my body. I used my feet and my hips and my butt and stuff way more than I had ever done in my life and I could even feel it in my back.
Not like well what the girls might but I’ve never had boobs with weight before and it turned out to be a real experience.
I fell asleep as me last night too and I don’t remember if I dreamed at all last night or not.
I get out of bed and get my Steven stuff together and I pad off to the shower and wash Stephanie away for awhile and Steven back on and I even turn the hot water off first for a few minutes getting that jolt from the cold water.
Books and dressed I head down and make coffee and I get some breakfast. Toast again the same as yesterday and I take all the chopped up veggies that we had as finger foods from last night with me and I make a second cup of coffee and drain that pretty fast and I take a container of leftover cabbage rolls from the freezer and I take that as my lunch and there’s enough in there for some extras.
Dad makes these and they’re awesome.
His filling is the thing he uses rice like the others and he differs from there because he uses ground lamb instead of the beef and some ground pork too but his real trick is those kielbasa polish sausages. He grinds them up in the food processor and he uses all of that as the filling and…there’s some bread and butter pickle chips and a dab of stone ground mustard in the bottom of each leaf before he rolls them up and he actually doesn’t use tomato topping either he makes a topping from cream of celery soup and has like bread crumbs on the top from rye bread.
I have no idea where he got the idea or the recipe but we’ve let him make them from that point on.
Yummy.
I make a pot of coffee again because I kill the first one when I fill my thermos and I head off to go to school and meet up with Mary Jane.
Aunt Els is actually home and she’s actually looking like she’s not going into work today and she’s in her living room when I get there listening to music and she’s got the yoga mat out and she smiles when she sees me.
She doesn’t look as tired or as sore as I feel right now.
“Good Morning Steph.”
I smile and put my hands together and bow. “Namaste.”
She smiles and does the same. “Namaste.” Oh…okay her legs are kinda in the splits and she does the bow like she is a cat or something and her hips don’t really move but her boobs almost touch the floor.
“Okaaaay…and you’re still single how?”
She grins and slips back up. “Because I’m really picky and I’m looking for a man that can partner me in everything that I do and he can actually do the give and take thing on both the physical stuff and the emotional stuff.”
“Uhm…does a guy like that exist?”
“Yes, they do I’m not looking for perfect because I’m not even close I’m just looking for the right guy…he just has to fit.”
“And I’m out of my depth.”
She smiles. “Stephanie you’re thirteen you shouldn’t have to worry about that kind of stuff at all yet.”
“Good because that actually sort of sounds scary.”
“It’s not.”
“It’s not? I know women and girls even that go into the whole single panic mode.”
“If he’s not worth waiting or looking for then odds are he’s not really going to be worth having.”
“Okay…and again I’m out of my depth. Is M.J. around?”
“I think that she’s in the shower or getting dressed she’s a little sore this morning.”
“Me too.”
“You both did a lot of exercise last night that wasn’t what you were used to.”
“Yeah that’s for sure.”
I head into the kitchen and I make a cup of coffee there too. I usually never have this much but then again I’m usually in bed by ten…usually and I’m really not used to that amount of dancing.
I actually try one of those latte things though this time.
Hmm…not that bad actually.
Better than the Tim’s stuff, but I use real milk in this at least.
I sip at my faux-latte and listen to the music Aunt Elsbeth is listening too and I just move some and dance to it. I’m trying to get some more practice in yes but this is also working out some of the aches and kinks.
Plus I am in a good mood.
No P.E. today.
In my class rotation we only have Gym four days in a week and today instead of Gym I have a double computer class.
I’m not a computer nerd but not having to go through the little changing room of horrors?
Yeah it’s helping.
I smile and pass Mary Jane her latte and she’s frowning at me.
“What?”
“You’re still dancing?”
“Actually yeah and it’s helping work out the kinks and stuff.”
“Nope, nope, nope not me…gawd…I so should have worn a sports bra.”
I wince. “Ohhh…sorry.”
She shakes her head. “No…I really should have ran home and got one but my feet hurt and my butt and my hips.”
I nod. “Me too, I moved stuff I’ve never been allowed to before.”
She grins at me. “I know, Steph the look on your face…especially when you were getting it. Worth all the aches.”
I grin and we hug and M.J. gets herself some breakfast of a peanut butter and banana sandwich on toast. Okay that’s the first time I’ve ever seen anyone actually cut the banana lengthwise to do this is always been that sideways cut.
She takes it with her as we leave and head for the bus.
Ricky’s there and he gives me a look that would kill.
“Cocksucking faggot.”
I look at him. “I’m…” No… “Not you, not if you were the last person on earth.”
“Ditto.” Mary Jane says and some of the other kids at the stop want to sort of stay out of it or they’re giving him dirty looks.
Becky and Holly show up and we kind of bunch up in a group and he’s frowning all the more. Also we move into the bus shelter and stuff and coats and bags and purses are moved pretty much on purpose so he doesn’t get to ogle anything.
He shoots me another look like it’s all my fault and he grabs his book bag. “Screw this.” He starts leaving heading to one of the neighborhood shortcuts presumably to ditch. He does mutter plenty loud enough for us to hear him.
“Goddamned fag…stuck up cuts.” He flips us the bird as he leaves.
And Ricky being a bigot and an asshole sort of becomes the topic of the morning. We sort of just kind of include Amber and Rachel in on it when they get on and fill then in on the lovely morning event we just went through with Ricky.
Amber’s not impressed. She has a pretty serious look on her face as we fill her in on yesterday afternoon with him and Trevor and Darren.
“Look Steven be careful these guys just sound like the type that are looking to hurt someone just because they think that they’re gay.”
I look at M.J. and she’s looking at me then I nod and look at the girls. “Trust me I’ve been thinking about people getting really nasty with me for a long time.”
There’s some looks and it’s more concern than being curious.
It’s still really nice.
We get off the bus and there’s some looks a but actually a lot less than yesterday and it’s the miracle of the modern day I guess.
Mom calls it internet attention span.
Yes I’m news, Yes I was a whole lot of news yesterday.
But apparently yesterday was yesterday for some people.
Now…mind you some of the J-Witt and Mormon kids here are looking at me and unlike the Jesus squad types and all schools have them I think they just stare. Actually the J-Witt kids don’t they actually look away.
And Trevor flips me the bird and Darren’s scowling and they’re hanging with a couple of the known school thug and bully types and they kind of look like they’re in a homophobic group rant together but they just shut up and glare as we pass by.
Yeah, swearing gets frowned upon but that and bigoted or racist hate speech is a quick detention and a trip to the office apparently.
I actually look at Amber and Rachel. “So…what happened that the faculty cracked down so hard on people being asses?”
Amber kind of does this head nod towards the office. “Mrs. Fields the head secretary lost a niece over the summer to her getting bullied and even cyber-stalked. They found her dead and a long letter that was pretty sad I guess.”
I look at her. “And you?”
“Me?”
Rachel snerks. “No, Jessica Rabbit yeah you.”
Amber shrugs and sort of looks down. “Just…been there but not in school.”
“Huh?”
She looks at us. “Dad drank.”
“Oh…oh damn…”
She does that sort of shrug like she’s actually trying to shrug it off but we stop at the lockers and we all hug her.
She sniffles. “I…I just hate bullies…he wasn’t great half the time but get a beer in him and he turned into a serious asshole.”
We kind of extend the hugging for awhile.
It’s actually kind nice to be part of and nice that Amber and us are that cool together that she told us this.
I’m really, really lucky to have the family that I have.
We part ways and head to our homerooms the it’s off to classes.
Morning break we get to see Liz with her new entourage and they’re kind of hanging with Megan and Bonnie’s want more and more crowd and impressing them and stuff and we get left along but we definitely get snubbed. As they stroll past us…there’s a little bitch move though because they cut Toni off from coming over to us until they all pass.
They’re giving her this she’s a little freak look like they’re trying to hurt her feelings and stuff.
I burst out laughing with the girls as Toni waits for them to pass and she watches them go and she puts on this really big grin.
“Ladies…” She actually swaggers over to us with a handful of chocolate chip cookies. “You see that?”
Rachel says. “Yeah.” Kind of tersely and Toni just looks and here’s what cracked us up. “I think I’m starting a harem. Damn they couldn’t take their eyes off of me.”
They’re heads whipped around and they had this look of shock on their faces. Then Toni eats a cookie like…
Oh they looked like someone touched a nine-volt to their coochies.
Like I said we lost it.
Then it was back to classes and I found a few more notes in my locker which I tentatively read.
“Yay for gay!” Written in rainbow colored pencils and a doodle of a anime character a samurai boy with cat ears.
“Hugs.” In several sizes and different notes.
A pink construction paper heart valentine with… “I have 10 inches.”… “T.” I choke on a giggle trying to turn it into a laugh. That, that was Tim…and not that I looked but not even on his best day.
No I’m not that hyper sensitive that I….
There’s more…more pink valentine hearts…most just say stuff like “thumbs up” Or just the internet smile thing but each one has the first initial of the guys on the team.
(Sniffle.) I get looked at and someone passes me a tissue. I look and it’s Nick.
Nick? He sort of smiles. “I was going to try and sneak this in but you got here first.”
“Oh…well you can give it to me now.” I dab at my eyes.
“Okay…uhm…here. I’m sorry that I was kind of a dick yesterday.” He blushes and…and it’s a little cute.
I’m so fighting it, I want to girl out with this. Even the way I’m standing here feels wrong.
Damned guyoflage.
(Sniffle.) Dammit…I’m leaking out past my mask.
“It’s okay…I mean it’s a shock right?”
He nods. “I just, you really threw me…sorry.”
“Can I?”
He looks confused and he slowly nods. I step up and give Nick a hug and a peck on the cheek and we both break the hug quickly and he’s blushing really hard and I can feel my face hot enough to cook on.
But we get looks but not that many bad ones, heck I even saw one kid just looking right at us turn and shrug and head to class with one of his friends.
I’m “gay” right so I’m kind of allowed to do that right?
I smile just a bit and bite my lip. It’s something I really should try to break myself from doing but no lippy so no harm no foul right?
“These…these were awesome Nick.” I sort of hug my valentines to me and I head off to class.
………………………………...Classes were just that classes and while I got looks in English for putting my little treasures away that was about it.
Nick’s cheek felt.
And my lips feel.
And yeah I’m confused by that some one thing I did notice was Nick didn’t boy reek of too much cologne.
Which did make it less Yick.
Lunch comes next and that’s actually me getting grabbed by the girls as their lunches with the others involved in the dance and we take over the art room making decorations for the dance.
I’m just kind of one of the girls here literally and I end up telling them and even showing them the valentines I got and even dishing about Nick and catching him.
Amber smiles. “I heard about that. People might be acting like it’s no big deal and stuff Steven but that whole thing as far as I know is the first time two guys have done even something that far here in the school.”
“Uhm…really?”
I look and M.J. and she looks at me grinning. “It’s a start right? A good thing really. I got a few notes too but I never got valentines.”
I smile and I sigh a little. “It was really sweet y’know.”
Toni pipes in. “I got a few too and they were kind of cool…and hot.”
We look at her and she digs one out of her purse and passes it around. It’s definitely a girl’s handwriting but it says. “I want you to taste my skin…”
“Whoa…okay you know who?” I ask.
“Nope but I have hopes.”
“Who?”
“No one but it’s a girl and that means I’m dateable!”
M.J. snerks. “Munchable.”
A couple of the other girls actually go “Ewww…okay we’re kinda cool with stuff and all but TMI.”
Mary Jane just grins but Rachel looks pissed off. “She’s fine, that’s fine, why is it eww?”
Debbie Steel looks at her. “I don’t know but I’m not gay or lesbian or whatever Rachel and I don’t really dig all the sex talk and I’d be just as eeew if you girls were chatting about blowjobs.”
Rachel looks ready to still argue but Toni stops her by grabbing her arm. “Chill girls relax, heck I’m freaked at the thought of going and doing stuff with another girl like that.” She looks at Debbie. “Deb it was a joke lighten up.”
She smiles. “I’m just excited I might have a date sometime, to kiss someone I want to kiss and to just y’know like dance with them. Maybe date when I’m older.”
Amber actually claps. “Here, here Toni’s right it’s nothing we need to go to war over.” She’s looking at Rachel.
Rachel nods and goes back to what she’s doing and she blushes. “Sorry girls.” She says to al of us. “It’s just.”
We all nod and there’s smiles. Rachel is awesome she’s involved and feels strongly about stuff but with her own stuff going on she gets passionately involved.
I look at her and smile. “Hey, giving a damn about others is never a bad thing Rach.”
She smiles and blushes some more.
Deb adds in. “Actually if it was me it’d mean a lot to have you in my corner.”
She’s really blushing now, which looks cute on her. “You guys…”
There’s a knock and we look up and the guys are here from the team.
Toni pipes up loudly. “The valentines!”
Wow…I’ve never seen the whole team or most of the team blush.
Randy comes in carrying a cafeteria tray and it’s covered with those little containers of chocolate milk. “We thought that since you girls where al working so hard at doing this we’d.”
“Buy you all Drinks” Tim cuts in putting on this swagger and lean as he emphasizes Drinks like he’s some guy at some bar.
Toni grabs one and looks at Tim. “Tenner!”
He grins and blushes and he does that Guido thing with the reverse head nod. “Hey…how you doin?”
We all kind of crack up at that and it’s actually really cool with my friends all here like this.
I really am kind of scared this will change though.
The guys leave saying. “We’ll leave you girls to it.” And Rachel looks at me like to see if that upset me for getting lumped in with them because I’m “Gay.” I smile at her. “It’s cool, there’s nothing wrong with being a girl. I’m in good company.”
Toni hugs me. “Damned skippy girlfriend.”
I hug her back and I blush.
……………………………Classes are classes and my last ones were double computer and mostly that’s me getting done early and I end up on Facebook once the teacher checks my stuff and types in the password for me to log on.
It’s mostly the school and student council page really but I’m not using a picture yet but I do get started at signing in and making my page. Stephanie’s page.
After that it’s back to the arts and crafts room to do more stuff while the basketball team’s playing a game and I send Mom and e-mail saying. [Mary Jane and I are going to be late, we’re going to be helping set up for the dance after the basketball game.]
[Okay honey, tell all of them I’m sending your father with food.]
[Cool! Thank you!]
“Hey girl’s, Mom’s going to send Dad over here with food and stuff for supper.”
There’s some cheers and stuff and Amber puts in our dance songs in this portable stereo that’s there in the art room and we listen and even dance some. Not like dance, dance but that dancing as you do stuff kind of dancing.
It helps kill time and us to have a good time and we just talk.
Mostly about dating, if anyone has a date to the dance.
Actually Holly does she was asked by some guy called Turner she’s been dating from the other middle school and Debbie is bringing her boyfriend Craig who’s the biggest guy on the basketball team.
Not a lot of us dating at thirteen.
Well maybe someone might want to date me like in college or something?
Sigh.
……………………..even with the janitors helping and stuff there’s a lot of work setting up for the dance. I know we’re doing a theme dance so there’s like more but yeah there’s a lot of stuff to do and decorate and stuff.
The principal helps too some even especially after Dad arrives and they do the up high on the ladder stuff instead of us doing it.
Dad also bought KFC and Chinese take out so if you didn’t like one you could have something else.
And Toni mixes both which led to conversations about Chinese food and Almond chicken soo gi being made with KFC.
We actually get everything done and ready except for the snacks and the drinks and stuff and dad actually spent more money on us and the school buy bringing in Halloween lights and stuff ranging from those orange mini brites to electric candle sticks and even plug in jack-o-lanterns.
It’s Dad and the whole not having stuff growing up really does have him doing stuff like this. It’s also pretty cool too because we now have extra stuff for next year.
It all looks really, cool and it’s just after eight when we all lock up and go home and it’s nine thirty by the time we make it home because Dad had “The Pumpkin” and he drove Amber and Holly, Becky and Rachel and Toni and Diana and Lisa home.
I don’t really have time to be me tonight.
I do though manage a nice long soak in Mom’s tub and dress right before crashing.
Yes I know I have practice tomorrow and I don’t care…I’m not sure if my shea butter and cocoa stuff’s overly girly but it’s gay enough…I’m not showering again to wash off the smell.
…………………………Morning came way too soon and it’s not even getting ready in my usual way it’s getting my hockey gear and my sticks and my skates and then Dad and I heading out.
I really wanted a weekend of being me.
I’m thinking a lot about the team and playing and stuff and being me.
Would they let me play?
Do I want to play?
I mean as Stephanie.
Dad looks at me. “You okay angel?”
“Just thinking Dad, trying to figure out if I still want to do this.”
“You don’t have to y’know. You’re Mom clued me into how I kind of Daded you into this.”
We drive still going through the usual ritual. McDonalds first for Egg McMuffins, Tim’s for the coffee’s and doughnuts
“I know but it feels different now…I mean do I want to keep playing after I’m out? Will they let me? Will the league? And I’m a good player so should I quit it just because I’m a girl?”
He looks at me. “If you want to play you will play honey. Besides I can still have the whole hockey dad dreams.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, Canada has a national women’s team.”
“Oh…but will me being transgendered disqualify me?”
“Not if you really want it. I’m in your corner angel not matter what you do or just because some people think a single letters more important than just being decent.”
“Thanks daddy.”
Okay one of the best things in hockey has been Dad and I sitting up in the seats and eating breakfast like this in the cold.
Changing wasn’t that bad.
We actually don’t get naked in the change room Most of us come wearing long underwear or leggings…yeah even the guys stuff that keeps you warm under the gear.
Turns out I was nervous for nothing about this and it’s business as usual.
Except someone left a roll of dimes in “Tenner’s” cup with a note saying “Actual size.”
I nearly giggled as we laughed.
We even have a good practice, do drills and go over plays and the coach gives us the weblinks to watch Billington’s games online. Most teams have their games up these days and it’s smart to watch how they play.
If the guys noticed the way I smelled they never said anything.
Then it’s home.
No…?
“Dad?”
He stopped outside this door of one of the high end salons here in town and Aunt Elsbeth’s there with M.J.
“What’s going on?”
M.J. grins. “Make-over, Mom has the shop and we’re getting a spa day!”
“Really!” Okay I’m excited.
“Yeah come on!”
Dad hugs me and takes my stuff home and M.J. and I head into the shop and I can’t help the smile there on my face.
I’m actually….finally here in a real salon.
Mom’s there too and she’s smiling and we hug. “I brought the costumes and everything we’re going to enjoy this honey your Aunt’s really good at this.”
It’s early yet but honestly with Mom and me and Mary Jane getting made over and Aunt Els herself too. They’re both chaperoning and it’s a lot of work.
Blissful work actually.
I’ve dreamed of this.
Ached for this and slowly bit by bit I get plucked and waxed.
Heh, heh…okay it’s funny and not and almost this girl version of a guy thing when we actually are kind of evil girl to each other by ripping off the waxing strips from each other.
Actually it’s fun and we’re listening to the dance music and doing facials and stuff and everything.
My hair actually really gets sewn in like a real weave and then there’s hair extensions and adding body and curls and actually by the time I’m done my hair looks really like the hair that Mia Wasikowska had during the movie.
Then pretty underwear and bra…just white and lacy but really pretty so pretty that I have to fight crying a lot. My white lacy thigh high stocking and press on nails with polish and note just being showered and body washed but real perfume too and then my costume.
The dress fits so well and the white wispy gauze makes me feel.
Oh my goddess…yes so goddess right now.
Only another girl can get how really huge this feels to be this pretty.
Mom’s going as Holly Would from Cool World and I can imagine Dad’s going to do Brad Pitt and Aunt Els going as Penelope Cruz from the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie and then there’s M.J.
The Girl Mad Hatter… They did her hair in the colors from the movie but add it all up with the crazy coat with the patches and tails and the crazy colored stockings and this hot little skirt that goes with the bustier look and even her make-up matches the character from the movie.
Honestly she looks amazing and I’m proud to be Alice with her.
And even after starting early we get there ten minutes after the dance opened and there’s a whole lot of kids from all four grade classes going into the dance.
I’m swallowing and Dad helps all of us from the van and M.J. takes my arm and with a deep breath we head inside.
Okay it’s pretty cool there’s a lot of the general kind of costumey stuff and then there’s some stand outs.
Matt Alward doing a pretty decent Wolverine in the leather jacket and the sideburns.
Peter Noyles as Paul McCartney.
Debbie and her guy as the Munsters. Craig makes a good Frankenstein.
Holly’s going as Pam Anderson with some definite boosting and she has the whole Baywatch red swimsuit on and there’s Becky who never said a thing but she’s a Tron girl and just wow she even has the glow in the dark light stuff.
And the body suit hugs her really tightly.
Rachel is doing the Tiger-Lily thing instead of Pocahontas.
Toni is some anime Character cat girl and she looks really cute those I have no idea who or what a Merle is.
Tim comes as Mike Holmes the builder guy with the show that Dad likes.
I see the girls and they see me and right past me and they see M.J. and they’re like. “Mary Jane! Ohmigod you look so cool!”
Then it clicks.
Jaws literally drop and I do a spin.
Try not to bite my lip nervously.
Then there’s this burst of Squeals and “Ohmigawd!” Over and over again screams and squeals and I’m being hugged tight and there’s jumping up and down and I’m fanning myself in the face trying not to cry and end up blotting anyways.
It’s a good half hour of how’s and why’s and I’m explaining the costumes and how we made them and then we start dancing mostly with each other. It’s still kind of a teen dance awkwardness and all.
I’m having such a good time and the lessons really paid off!
And the looks from the guys on the team.
I feel like a real girl…I mean Tim even stopped clowning around and Randy who’s dressed as Malcolm Reynolds extends his hand.
“Can I have this dance Miss Alice.”
I…I take his hand.
Yeee…this is fun!
“You certainly can Captain.”
“Mal Please.”
We dance and I’m really glad that I danced with Mark and Dad and stuff and I’m having a lot more fun without worrying about being a complete dork and we end up into a slow song.
“You look great.”
“Thanks.”
“Is this it?”
“Yeah….” I look at Randy. He smiles at me. “I think we can deal.”
“Really? You’re not freaked?”
“Not really Steph?” I nod, he smiles. “I do have the internet y’know.”
“I’m not like that…like the dirty stuff.”
He actually turns me. “Yeah…you do know that you can look up the T in LGBT right?”
I blush. “Sorry…”
“You look cute when you do that.”
“Randy…” I’m really blushing now and am getting tongue tied and when we’re done he passes me off to Jack one of the guys on the team.
“I…uhm…hey Jack.” He’s dressed in leather jacket and black but he’s wearing this faux wolf head that’s black like a hoodie.
“Alice.” He smiles.
“Uhm nice costume you’re?”
“Gmork…”
“Oh…cool…” It kind of is too it fits really without being corny. And I’m a big Neverending story fan.
He passes me off to Jeff and then one after another I’m dancing with all the guys on the team and they’re going from dancing with me and are dancing with M.J. and all our friends actually having this whole kind of central group starting the dancing thing up and breaking the ice.
I see Amber dancing with Mary Jane and she’s dressed as a girl version of Kevin Costner’s version of Robin Hood and she looks good with a bow too even and a quiver. She’s actually pulling handsome off too and then there’s a cough and there’s this girl there and she looks like Ella from Ella enchanted and she shy smiles at me.
“Hi…can I have a dance?”
“Uhm okay…?”
It’s a slow dance that *All we are we are* By Matt Nathanson.
I…okay up close and touching and close together and I can smell her perfume ad stuff and it’s really…okay it’s really wow like dancing with Randy was.
The song sows to end and she looks at me through these long dark lashes with these big brown eyes.
“Alice?”
“Uhm…yes?”
“Can I kiss you back?”
“………………..” Ella leans in and kisses me softly on my lips and there’s something electric in the touch of lipstick on lipstick.
Wait…what…
Kiss me back?
“N..Nick?”
A mascara dark tear slips out and rolls down her cheek.
There’s a little choked. “No…not really.”
She moves to leave and I grab her hand and she looks scared and hurt and I look at her.
“Stay.”
“………………”
I give her my best soft smile and gently pull her over to where the other girls are at. She’s nervous but she comes and I look at the girls and get a seat. “Girls, this is Ella.”
There’s introductions and she’s as scared as I was…am…I mean I think I have the gay thing working for me with people. It’s that gay guy in a dress thing.
Mary Jane she seems to have this look in her eye that she gets it and she picks Ella up into the conversation and I smiles and join in a little myself.
Nick…Ella…we kissed and it was…But kissing Nick on the cheek.
And Ella…
And even Randy a little…he was so nice and he was pretty handsome too.
There’s another cough and I see Dad.
“Can I dance with my daughter?”
Ohhhhhhhh.
(Sniffle.)
“I’d love to Daddy.”
Ella, Nick, Randy…all of that can wait and honestly it really doesn’t matter as much as my very first real father daughter dance and it really, really means so much to me.
The dance, and the whole Halloween contest to come.
Doesn’t matter.
I think I’ve already won.
*** This is the end of the story as far as the contest entry will go for. I really enjoyed all of the comments and PM’s and will love all the ones to come too. (So please comment!) I hope you all enjoy this and don’t forget to vote! ***
Masks Chapter 26
*Before…
Nick…Ella…we kissed and it was…But kissing Nick on the cheek.
And Ella…
And even Randy a little…he was so nice and he was pretty handsome too.
There’s another cough and I see Dad.
“Can I dance with my daughter?”
Ohhhhhhhh.
(Sniffle.)
“I’d love to Daddy.”
*And Now…
Dad and I dance together and it’s really nice and we’ve done this in our lessons and stuff or rather lesson and stuff but this is different. It’s really different since it’s in public and it’s me and him and he really does the mannerly thing with taking my hand and stuff and he leads me out to the dance floor and he gives some one a nod and there’s a little skip in the music as something else starts and as soon as I hear those first few words there’s happy tears threatening to stream down my face.
I love this song and it’s one of those ones that you dance to when you’re alone and sing along with and you hope and you dream to….I mean it I could just listen to this and be me.
The real me because this is a Stephanie song.
*I Hope You Dance* By Lee Ann Womack
And Dad chose this just for him and me.
(Happy sniffle.)
We take our time with this one and I kind of soak it all up and when we’re done I stand on my tip toes and kiss his cheek and then I look over to the girls and to where Elle is sitting and she was watching me and my Dad with this sort of hurt and wistful look. M.J. and the other girls are up and dancing with themselves and a few with some of the guys.
I head over and sit on the chair beside her.
“So…I mean I don’t really have the right to ask but…”
“Why am I like this?”
“Uhm…yeah?” I try and sound like I’m kind of sorry for asking I mean it’s like really personal stuff when you get into stuff like this with girls like us.
“I’m part girl.”
Huh…what?
“I…I don’t get it?”
“I was born with uhm…both…well not both but…”
“But?”
“I was cleaning the attic out when we moved from our old house to our new one and I found papers Steph…they…they did some surgery stuff when I was a baby to fix me.” Elle does some air quotes. “I mean I was freaked out right?”
“Right, I sooo get that.”
“Well I tried to ignore this stuff but I just couldn’t get it out of my head.”
“I know that feeling.”
She nods. “And I…I just…I mean it’s Halloween right? I mean if there was any time to do this…”
“I so get that too, did it actually.” I lean over and hug her.
“I don’t think that I really feel, feel like a girl but I don’t know…I don’t really fee like a guy either.”
I nod. “I get that too sometimes. It’s the way I feel deep down sometimes and it’s always clashed with my real life.”
“Really?” Elle/Nick looks at me. “I thought…I mean with all this that you’re full on girl.”
“I am but when you live as a boy all the time…you always wonder. I mean if I do this guy thing this well aren’t I meant to be one and just all screwed up in the head.”
“Okay…I get that but Stephanie…”
“Yeah?”
“It’s like just sort of my opinion but this just seems so you.”
“It is, I’ve been kind of lucky my family gets it…I never thought they did but they do.”
Her shoulders slump. “Mine won’t.”
“Why?”
“I showed them the papers….Dad had a fit. He said I was born with the right stuff and that they fixed the screw up and that’s that.”
Oh…ouch.
“And your mum?”
“She actually said… What’s done is done Nick you’re better off.”
“Ouch…sorry…you want me to see if my parents can talk to them?”
“God no they’ve been edgy and miserable and stuff every time something even close to this comes up Steph it’ll only make it worse.”
“Oh…damn sorry…can I do anything?”
“No…not right now…I…I just gotta deal right?”
“No…yes…I get it, I do I’m not really out yet either.”
Elle/Nick looks around. “Well with the gay thing going around and this they’re going to talk.”
I nod and look around. “Kind of the plan. I’m going for the idea if they all think that when I come out it’ll be an oh…yeah…moment more than a lynch the freak one.”
She looks at me. “Good idea…and Steph…thanks.”
“For what?”
“You’re going to be first…I mean I don’t really know of anyone like us or any other of the LGBT kids out here in our school.”
“LGBTQI…you’re I think what they call intersexed Nikki, so don’t forget the I.”
“Really…I didn’t know.”
“I’ve read up stuff online and stuff…when you’re like us sometimes you kinda become an expert.”
“Can you show me sometime?”
“Sure, you can come over y’know I mean since I guess you’re cool with me being me.”
She blushes. “Yeah…I’d…I’d like that.”
I blush too because yeah I’m thinking about the kiss we had too and the other stuff.
“You’re folks know you’re here like this?”
“Oh heck no.”
“I guess they’re not here.”
“No, my older brother has a basketball thing they went to that.”
I look out at the dance floor.
“No one looks like they know or are going to tell…so…you want to go out and try dancing some more?”
She looks out at the dance floor and she’s on the fence.
I get up and take her hand. “If you’re risking it anyway then make it worth it right?”
She nods. “Okay…”
I smile and pull her out and into the little knot where the girls are at and are dancing. Nick/Elle/Nikki is kind of just standing there and I look at M.J. and she grins at me and she says.
“Hey…just start like this, watch my feet.”
We go from some just really basic kind of dancing moves and steps to how to do stuff with your arms and upper body. You know that’s usually the self conscious part Jenn said it’s not knowing what to do with your arms and torso.
It’s that and then some hip and slowly Elle’s worried-shy-and dance-bashful face begins to smile and we start having some fun. It’s like any teen dance really but it’s not really…I mean I was stuck behind the Guyboden before with dances and stuff but here it’s dancing mostly with the girls as a bunch of girls and occasionally with a few of the boys bold enough to ask.
Serious blush I get asked twice more by Randy to dance. Both are up beat stuff and or slow songs but there is still different and kind of fun about dancing with him than just with the girls.
I think it helps he can really actually dance some too, he’s not as self conscious. I’m having a really good time too and then something happens.
M.J. looks at me. “C’mon lets go to the bathroom.”
And Amber and Toni and Becky are going with us and I stop at the door…oh…oh this is big.
And scary.
I’m freezing up because dressing and dancing is one thing this, this is something else altogether.
Masks Chapter 27
*Before…
I think it helps he can really actually dance some too, he’s not as self-conscious. I’m having a really good time too and then something happens.
M.J. looks at me. “C’mon lets go to the bathroom.”
And Amber and Toni and Becky are going with us and I stop at the door…oh…oh this is big.
And scary.
I’m freezing up because dressing and dancing is one thing this, this is something else altogether.
*And Now…
I’m looking into the sacred space all locked up in my brain and then Toni’s hands are on my butt!
“Move woman I have to pee!”
She doesn’t let go either and she butt grab-pushes me into the girl’s bathroom and she then moves past me once she’s inside and goes to a stall. She waggles her fingers before she closes the door. “Oh…I felt panties.”
I can’t help it but part of me just comes out with. “I feel like I just got anime groped.”
That actually has a bunch of us laughing and giggling and giggling and I stop and actually look around. It’s pale green not pink in here and it’s all stalls lining the back wall and a long counter with sinks and several mirrors like one per sink and other than that it’s kind of like ours.
Except the smell.
Guys still even if kind of clean either smell like guy us funk or like a lot of cleansers. Here smells like cleansers but there’s an almost leftover hint of like dyer sheet style fabric softener.
So not as bad as the guys but not as awe inspiring either.
It’s actually the girls that are.
It’s not even the fact that they’re girls. Honestly there’s nothing like that sick stuff people try and claim that girls like me are going to do in the bathroom but it’s more like…
Talking about the boys, how they dance and which on is looking good tonight and who is kind of not…Like Paul Johnston who kind of apparently smells like he ate seven pounds of garlic and is now sweating it out or Don White who apparently forgot to wipe his bum or something because you can apparently get the whiff of turd coming off of him.
Eeeew…Yick!
Yick, Yick, Yick!
But then…the magic.
The make-up and purses come out and then there’s all the stuff the curlers and the straighteners and that’s when I notice something that the boys room doesn’t have and that’s wall sockets at the far end of the counters.
I don’t want to sound like one of those girls that bashes on boys all the time but remember that most of the time I am in guy mode and have been for most of my life.
I’m being truthful when I say that here in middle school there will be one guy dumb enough to be dared to take a whiz on a wall plug.
Lol snerk.
Mary Jane looks at me as she’s washing her hands after getting out of the bathroom. “What’s so funny?”
“I was just noticing we don’t have the wall sockets in the boy’s bathrooms.”
It gets quiet and there are girls there now staring at me like they just remembered that I’m not a bio-girl.
I see some faces turning red and a few angry looks and Amber steps in. “Everyone just chill, Stephanie’s not like that and not into you all so stuff it.”
Mona Adamson looks at me pointing. “But she’s not a girl; she’s just dressed as a girl.”
I could so say something but instead I’m turning red and covering my face.
Amber’s like… “And how does that matter? I mean it’s not like she was looking in the stalls or like you all decided to flash your stuff to anyone.”
“And Dammit I was hoping for that!” Toni pipes up.
Okay the attention rapidly shifts from me to her since she’s actually out and public as a lesbian and stuff.
Mona and a couple of her friends leave in a big scared freaked out semi-bigoted rush and the rest of the other girls that aren’t my friends just shrug and go back to fixing and talking and I catch Toni’s wink at me.
(Sniffle) “You didn’t have to do that Toni.”
She does this blink, blink…innocent looking face. “Do what?”
“Out yourself even more.”
“How’d I do that?”
“With your whole lesbian perv act.”
“Who said I was acting.”
“I did, and thank you.”
I have no idea what I’m doing if this’ll freak her out because I’m not a bio-girl but I lean down…she’s really short…and I give her a kiss, a really light one on the lips.
It barely lasts a second but she does this inhale and when I break it she steps back a few steps and puts her back to one of the stall dividers and smiles. “Oh…oh that was so worth it.”
Okay now I’m blushing and we’re getting stared at and I blurt out. “What!? She was cool for me and she’s into girls and she stood up for me isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?”
There’s some shrugs and some nods.
Amber though, she looks over at Toni. “So…?”
“So what?”
“Steph kiss like a girl?”
“Oh definitely…” She says and there’s this huge goofy girl grin on her face that makes me blush even more and the other girl’s chuckle and I sigh and try to get the heat out of my face by waving and that’s when I notice the mess oh my makeup on my hand.
“Dammit.” I head to the sink and wash my hands and take out my own purse and do some fast clean up with some wipes and cream before fixing all the damage. Some of the girls are watching and Becky asks.
“Wow, you’re really good at that did M.J. teach you?”
“Uhm nope, I kinda learned how to do most of this stuff myself.”
She looks at me. “Really, but like how? I mean you’re a…”
Becky actually stops herself and she blushes but she looks like she still wants to know.
I smile and stop and re-tip my eye pencil. “Magazines a lot but there’s a whole bunch of really good tutorials online like on YouTube and stuff.”
“Really?”
I nod then get still enough to do my eyes again. “Yeah and with some brands of things you can actually go onto their websites and watch a tutorial by like their experts doing stuff with that exact product. It’s actually pretty cool.”
“You think this stuff’s cool?”
“Yeah, definitely and more than that it’s me.”
She looks at me. “So you really are this tranny…” She stops as Amber’s shaking her head. “What?”
Amber sighs. “Tranny’s kind of a bad word really Beck, it’s kind of like using the N word.”
“Oh really? Oh shit Steph sorry.”
I look at her and at Amber and then around it’s kind of just us now. “I guess I’m really out to you girls then.”
Amber nods and takes out her lip-stick and does her own touching up. “It’s cool I mean most everyone thinks it’s you being gay and stuff.”
Becky nods. “But this makes a lot more sense I mean like on the bus and like in art class it was way more like just hanging out with another one of the girls.”
I smile at her. “It was and y’know that like so meant the world to me that even before you knew you girls let me join in it meant a whole lot to me.”
There’s a hug from her and another one from Amber and we’re done doing the girl thing and we all head back outside to the gym and M.J. joins me walking hip to hip and we slip and arm around each other’s waists.
“Good night?”
“Best yet so far really.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m me right now and all my friends know and what Becky said really has me hoping for the whole oh yeah thing to happen with like other people and…”
“And?”
“And I just went with all of you to the ladies room and did all the ladies room stuff and that was a really big deal even if it wasn’t.”
Mary Jane shrugs. “The magic will soon wear off wait until you see the gross stuff.”
I smile still. “I know, I know but at the same time that was something completely in the realm of a hope from my head, it was like totally guyboden so right now I feel like there’s this little version of me in my head wearing a pink space suit that was going…It’s one small step for women but one giant leap for Stephanie-kind.”
I even try to hold my hand up close to my mouth and do a mock astronaut voice while I’m saying that.
Mary Jane giggles. “Okay beyond the GID stuff Steph you’re a little weird.”
I snerk. “Well that’s no surprise it runs in the family.”
We laugh and we go get some water and stuff then drop off our votes for the contest here and after about five minutes and after they ask if everyone’s voted they start to play some more music while the votes are being counted and stuff.
It’s kind of exciting but I actually kind of get it out of my mind as I dance some more and I look for Nick/Elle.
I don’t see her anywhere and I make my way over to Randy and give him this sort of look and a head tilt.
Oh man as a girl I have no idea how to just come up and talk to guys and he looks at me and he excuses himself from Sarah Brady and he comes over and starts to dance with me!
Eeep! I try and shoot Sarah this sorry look.
She looks more than a little peeves and she lifts her skirts up and stalks away a pretty pissed looking Snow White.
Uh-oh.
“Wait…Sarah…”
Too late she’s gone.
Randy’s looking at me.
I…
Oh right?
“Uhm Randy did you see Ella leave?”
He nods. “Yes she left while you girls were in the ladies room.”
“Oh…do you know where she went?”
“I wasn’t really looking but I could ask around why?”
“Uhm…I can’t really say but I’m just sort of worried about her.”
“Okay, c’mon let’s ask the guys.”
“Uhm okay…” I head over to where some of the team is sitting and we start asking the guys. One they too have seen her leave and two no one knows that Ella is actually Nick or however that’s really going to be in their head if they ever get that figured out.
So…only M.J. and I know.
Oh…okay…so what do I do?
We must have been there long enough because I see Nick…not Ella come in from the main hallway into the gym and he’s changed and he’s definitely guying it up and he’s even using the Ella wig but instead he’s got the hair sort of tucked back and a ball cap on his head and a t-shirt that says. “Exsqueeze me? Baking Powder.”
I sort of sigh a little in relief and he sort of gives me a shy smile before slipping into boy mode.
I think I just saw that faded shine in his eyes as the mask he’s been wearing since he found out go back on.
Y’know it’s just as hard to watch as it is to put it on again myself.
I hang around a bit and it takes a few minutes before Nick comes over. “You want to dance? I think we might be able to squeeze a couple in before the dance is done.”
“Sure, I’d like that. Uhm so you were late why?”
“I wasn’t feeling too hot; I think Mom’s cooking zigged when it should’ve zagged.”
We head out to dance and I look at him and quietly ask. “You okay?”
“No but it’s getting late and I had to do the pumpkin thing or someone might have seen something or found out and then I might get into real trouble.”
“Sorry…”
“No its okay…well okay it’s not okay but it’s the way it’s gotta be alright?”
“Hey, you’re secret’s safe with me and like I said anytime you need to like talk or vent or a shoulder you can come over to my place just like give me a call and stuff and I’ll like try to be there whenever.”
He nods but smiles. “You’ve been hanging around your girls a bit too much Steph.”
“Huh? Why?”
“Because like, you like said like an awful lot just now.”
“I did? Man…it really sort of sneaks up on you. It’s Beck and Holly you know that right.”
“Riiiiight.” He smiles and I laugh and I feel better at least he’s joking around a little and that’s a good sign.
I look at him as the music winds down. “I mean it, this stuff sucks and it sucks way harder going it alone, my offer stands.”
Nick squeezes my hand as we head closer to the main group and the stage and he looks at me. “Thanks Steph that means a lot right now.”
I nod and smile and squeeze his hand hard right back as reassurance rather than say something since it’s getting crowded.
They start to thank the people who helped out with the dance and I get included in that as well as M.J. who looks really happy at that. I can just imagine that doing something like this kinda helps with the lingering hurt of those assholes from her old school.
Randy wins first prize for the guys followed by Tim and his Mike Holmes look which I have to admit was pretty spot on and I…I don’t place as one of the sixth graders took third with a very close to Charlie Brown costume with him having a shaved head and the sweater is like totally dead on.
It’s completely alright because Mary Jane gets second place and she’s thrilled because it’s a vote thing and that means that people actually voted for her and her costume. Amber takes third with her girl Robin Hood Costner look and Sarah actually wins first with her Snow White costume and look from the movie *Mirror, Mirror*
She’s really looking pleased with herself and pleased that she got first with Randy too and she actually slips her arm in with his up on stage and looks down at me with this whole attitude look.
It wasn’t like that!
I’m so going to have to talk to her sometime.
I’d do it right now but Mary Jane’s coming off of the stage and right to me and the girls and we do this group girl squeal and semi jump up and down. Second place is a cash prize of twenty dollars and while not a lot it’s still twenty dollars and if you go to like The Gap or Old Navy when things are on sale it’ll get you one or two things or it can buy make-up or a whole bunch of stuff.
We congratulate the other winners too and Sarah is all nose up and “Hrump!” and she stalks off aways away before she turns and looks at Randy. “Randy are you coming?”
He looks at her with this baffled look. “Uhm No.”
She looks at him like he grew another head.
“But…?”
“Sarah it was really cool to like dance with you a bunch tonight but that doesn’t…”
I stop him. “Randy…if you’re going to do that not here she really likes you.”
“She does?”
We all nod. “Sarah’s not that bad, you just hurt her feelings earlier.”
“When?”
I roll my eyes and so do some of the girls. I go over to Sarah and take her hand and pull her over. She fights me and pulls back. “Lemme go!”
“Okay but come over here so we can clear up that thing that happened earlier.”
“What thing!?”
“When Randy let dancing with you do dance with me.”
Sarah glares at me again.
I roll my eyes. “Oh for pity’s sake I didn’t want to dance with him.”
Randy and Sarah both say. “You didn’t?”
I look at them both and I cross my arms in full girl power mode. “No, Randy’s cute but he’s too much my friend for stuff like that besides you like him.”
Sarah blushes.
I nod. “Look I was just trying to ask him if he saw where a friend of mine went because she had left after I had come out from freshening up.”
I look at Sarah. “That’s all.” I turn to Randy. “And you mister you should apologize for walking off from her like that it was seriously not a Captain Reynolds thing to do.”
Randy blushed and looked at her. “Sarah…I’m…”
I cut him off and shove both of them. “Sheesh not here in front of us you guys go and take off.”
They both sort of smile at me and blush but head off towards the bleachers talking and Holly does this little girly squeak and she hugs me.
“Like oh my gawd, you are so amazing. Chi-Chi you’ve earned all of your princess points!”
It takes me a minute to even get what she’s going on about until I realize she’s comparing me to Chi-Chi from *To Wong Foo* That’s actually a pretty rocking movie even if it’s really kind of T-meets Hollywood.
I think Amber gets it next because she’s laughing and the Mary Jane too and she starts to explain it to the others which is just hard since not many have seen it and stuff and we still have a good laugh and yell out. “Awwwww!!!” At Randy and Sarah as they have this whole smooch moment on the bleachers.
Yeah that could’ve been me…maybe and I’m still not sure if that’s what I want or I’m even ready for but here with my friends and starting the clean-up and me flush with all my princess points I’m pretty happy for now.
Masks Chapter 28
*Before…
It takes me a minute to even get what she’s going on about until I realize she’s comparing me to Chi-Chi from *To Wong Foo* That’s actually a pretty rocking movie even if it’s really kind of T-meets Hollywood.
I think Amber gets it next because she’s laughing and the Mary Jane too and she starts to explain it to the others which is just hard since not many have seen it and stuff and we still have a good laugh and yell out. “Awwwww!!!” At Randy and Sarah as they have this whole smooch moment on the bleachers.
Yeah that could’ve been me…maybe and I’m still not sure if that’s what I want or I’m even ready for but here with my friends and starting the clean-up and me flush with all my princess points I’m pretty happy for now.
*And Now…
You know that you’re really a girl too I think when you get cold when guys don’t get cold. My costume’s kind of chilly actually and I’m rubbing my arms a little as I’m helping to clean things up.
Yeah weird huh since I play hockey.
Well I was sort of made to play hockey…sort of.
And now I’m not so sure if I’d quit given how the guys have been.
Amanda comes over and she has a school zip front hoodie in her hands. “Here, you look cold.”
“I am it got chilly in here when all the people left.”
“I thought you played hockey.”
“I wear layers.”
She nods. “There is that. You know being chilly comes with being a girl sometimes?”
I slip it on and it has this great perfumy and more scent to it. “I know it’s a tradeoff like sore feet and pinched toes and boob-reality.”
“Boob-reality?”
“Yeah, they bounce, they ache, they sweat and get bumped into and pinched when you roll over and all that stuff that happens that a lot of the Yay boobies! People never seem to think about.”
“Sounds like you did.”
I look at Amanda and start with some of the folding chairs. “All the time, my chest hurts from the inside out from not feeling right and just wishing and….” I’m getting choked up.
She comes over and gives me a hug. “This really hurts huh?”
“GID sucks Amanda, it hurts and hurts because you know…really deep don’t you know and it’s around me all the time the stuff I can’t ever be.”
“But you’re doing it now.”
(Sniffle.) “Yeah but it’s hard…and scary.”
“Scary?”
“This isn’t full time me, not yet. A little handful of people know and that’s it.”
“We’ll stand by you Steph.”
I hug her. It’s a great thing to say. I’m not holding her to it though or saying that I’m not holding her to it. I like don’t want to insult her but I know…I’ve read about t-girls who’ve had friends and family say they were good and changed their minds.
“Thanks so much for that Amanda…but there might be a lot of people that are so not going to be thrilled by my coming out.”
She nods then her eyes get this look. “Oh shit.”
“What?” I’m looking around.
“No…I just thought Elizabitch will have a cow.”
I blink.
“That…that’s funny and scary.”
“Yeah she’d freak but she’s really, really very soapy about stuff.”
“Soapy?”
“Yeah like the cliché bad villainess from TV.”
I snerk. “Yeah okay that actually fits…bad femmevillainy after her having a cow.”
“Full-on rectal cow.”
“Eeeew Yick ‘Manda!”
We both do a shiver and then we both look at each other and start giggling like two crazy girls and Mary Jane comes over with a couple of bags of trash. “Okay what’s so funny?”
I look at amber and we both crack up again. “Cows!” I get out.
“Full-on rectal cows!” Amanda howls.
Mary Jane gets this whole Eeew face. “What the heck?”
I try to breathe and when I can. “We were just talking about the fit that Elizabitch will have when I come out.”
Mary Jane blinks a few times as it all sinks in and computes and she starts to giggle and snort. “Ohmigawd she’ll freak.”
I nod. “Especially since she’s been so wide on about dating Steven.”
Amanda looks at us because me and M.J. are laughing. “Wide on?”
M.J. grins. “Lady boner…wide on, like wide open…”
Amanda does a very unladylike snort and she giggles even more. “Oh shit, oh shit I’ve never heard of that before!”
We start to laugh and giggle as a three some and stuff which gets the other girls in the group over and asking what we’re talking about and we keep kind of talking about all this sort of dirty girl slang stuff and about sex stuff.
About what things about guys they like or in Toni’s case girls which is weird.
Mary Jane… “I like a guy that smells good but not like a walking cloud of deodordeath. But nice eyes and a nice butt is great too.”
I look at her. “I don’t get the whole girls liking a nice but thing.”
The girl’s sort of shrug. Becky says. “I dunno just is, why do guys like a nice butt?’
I’m getting looks. I shrug. “Hey don’t look at me the gay thing’s a rumor I have no idea how guys really think.”
Holly grins. “Butt-sex, guys are into the whole thought of butt sex even the straight ones.”
There’s a chorus of eeeews, me included.
Rachel grins. I heard that a guy with a nice butt is like this really good spot to rest your legs on when you have them wrapped around them.
“Rachel!” We squeal.
“What!?” she shout-laughs back at us. “I just heard that’s all.”
Holly shrugs. “Some girls like it.”
We’re all. “Eeeew who!?”
She cackles. “My cousin Amy.”
We all goggle at her mouths open.
Holly shrugs. “It’s a big thing in porn.”
Amber’s like. “Yeah but guys are the whole porn thing.”
“Hey!” Toni protests. “I watch porn too!”
We all look at her.
She grins. “I’ve seen it in lesbian stuff too so it’s like a personal preference thing and like besides it’s actually like more common to have anal sex in like the straight community than in the like LGBT one.”
I’m still like. “Nope, nope, nope and a whole lotta nope.”
They laugh at me and Holly looks at me. “Not even if you like were dating a guy and didn’t get you’re thing cut off.”
I blink and look at all of them because they’re staring at me now.
Mary Jane says. “Actually they don’t cut it off they use it to like make the inside of the vagina and use all the nerves and the other stuff to like make her girl parts.”
I turn beet red.
They all nod together and go “Ooooh…” like those aliens from Toy Story.
I wave them off while I’m mutating into tomato-girl. “Can we talk about something else!? I’m not like ready to get into all this stuff yet…I like way behind all of you girls and stuff!”
Oh…that’s so true it kinda hits me in the feels. (Sniffle.)
There’s a sudden chorus of “Awwww’s” and I’m in a group hug and that feels good, great even.
It feels so, so good to have them as support and stuff.
Dad comes in and he smiles at us. “Okay who needs a ride home?”
I look at the girls and they look at me and he actually grins at all of us. “Okay, who wants a lift home after I treat at Dairy Queen?”
Holly… “Oooh ice cream he’s such a wonderful man!”
Dad blushes and we all giggle together and we then all raise our hands. “We do!”
We pile into “The Pumpkin” and mom’s there and we are all laughing and giggling as we cram into the back of the mini-van together and I’m not the only one to Squeak. “Toni!” and she laughs this diabolical little laugh. “It’s a back of a van packed with pretty girls and you expect me to behave!?’
Amanda’s like. “Yes, don’t be a perv.”
Toni’s like. “But I am a perv!”
We all burst out laughing and we head over to Dairy Queen and we go in and order and I know that some people will say that oh girls don’t eat and stuff but we do…it’s like fries and stuff and cheese burgers. I get one because I like meat as much as anyone else sometimes and well the flame grill the burgers here which makes them taste yummy. Besides everyone else is eating them too.
You’d think that we’d all be girls about it too but well…I guess we are because it just seems so normal for us to do that. Except for Amanda and the fact she made her fries swim in a vat of ketchup.
Okay that was Yick…I like ketchup but not like that.
We get our ice creams too and Dad’s like amazing super cool because he paid for all of it. I mean that was major, I mean major dad cool and we’re all laughing and stuff climbing back into the van and Dad left it running so it’s like super nice and toasty and we start heading home to the houses of each of my friends and music starts to play over the radio and Mom turns around in her seat and she starts us up in this whole girl singing along.
I don’t know the song at first not until we get to the chorus and I’m kind of shocked because whoa my mom can actually sing…but once we hit the chorus we all chime in.
“Don’t go chasing waterfalls…”
“Please stick to the rivers
and the lakes that you’re used to…”
“I know that you’re gonna have it
your way, or nothing at all…”
“But I think you're moving too fast…”
I think that the band’s called “TLC” Now that I think about it but it’s a serious girl jam and we go from that to *Pocket full of sunshine.* By Natasha Beddingfield and them we go from that into *Lean On Me* By Club Nouveau and not like the really old version….I mean like this version with that club place is like bad enough cause it’s like parental old but it’s still kinda cool at the same time.
But it’s all like that all the way to each of the girls houses and I actually get to see where everyone lives and stuff which is really cook and stuff.
I’m yawny and sleepy by the time we’re done and heading home and I stir a bit when I feel arms slipping under and around me and picking me up.
“Daddy…?”
“Yeah Pumpkin we’re home.”
“I can get up.”
“Naw…I’ll carry you to bed.”
(Yawn.) “But Daddy…”
“Hey you get to be you and I get to be me remember and I call dad privilege.”
I blink at him still kind of full and tired and sleepy.
“You’re a really, really good daddy.”
I snuggle into his big strong dadness and I drift off feeling so magically safe. All that stuff I’ve been through til now’s so worth it.
I think I heard him whisper as he kissed the top of my hair.
“I’ll try angel, I’ll try with all I’ve got.”
Masks Chapter 29
*Before…
“I can get up.”
“Naw…I’ll carry you to bed.”
(Yawn.) “But Daddy…”
“Hey you get to be you and I get to be me remember and I call dad privilege.”
I blink at him still kind of full and tired and sleepy.
“You’re a really, really good daddy.”
I snuggle into his big strong dadness and I drift off feeling so magically safe. All that stuff I’ve been through til now’s so worth it.
I think I heard him whisper as he kissed the top of my hair.
“I’ll try angel, I’ll try with all I’ve got.”
*And Now…
Okay as amazingly sweet as daddy was about two I wake up and have to go pee and luckily my girl mojo is working enough that I have the awareness that my brothers or someone used it before me and I catch the toilet seat up before I sit down.
My hair’s mussy and in my face and my head itches so after I’m done I take off my hair.
(Sigh.) “I really need to grow mine out.” I miss the feel as soon as it’s off but at the same time I look in the mirror and see my messy face.
I smile though. “Right on, girl first.”
When dad had put me to sleep I had my make up on. It’s an everyday way too common regular teen girl goof up. I do wash it off and cleanse and hen hop into a fast hot shower. I snap my girl jammies while the water gets hot and I get cleaned up fast. I mean it’s petty late.
I get out of the bathroom, cleaned and lotioned and powdered and see mom at the top of the stairs dad’s shirt tossed on and a beer in her hand. She smiles and looks like.
Well, she looks like her and dad were making out and are having a few since it’s the weekend. I smile back and whisper so not to make too much noise with my brothers actually asleep. “Fell asleep I my costume and make up.”
“Oh…been there.” Mom nods with the wisdom felt be the buzzed.
“I know right it was kinda cool.”
She grins really big and says. “Yeah…goddess I’m so missed out on this.” She pulls me over and into a hug.
I now she’s friendly buzzed but at the same time when people get tipsy they tend to speak what’s on their minds as booze fills in the brain filter.
“I know, I love you Mom but I really hate being Steven.”
She tightens the hug to full Mom squeeze. “I know baby and I love Steven but I want you to be happy but I’m happy too.”
“You are?”
(Mom-sniffle.) “Yeah…fuck, I’m not supposed to say stuff like this but I really want this for you too. Dammit I always wanted a daughter, just one…so many damned boys in the men…I mean house.”
I hug her really tightly back. “Thanks Mum, it really means a lot….” I could do this a lot more but I’m really beat and I kiss her on the cheek and smile. “I’m going to bed mom, you and Daddy have fun.”
Mom giggles and I roll my eyes because I can just imagine where she’ll take that have fun and as much as I love my parents there’s stuff that I just really don’t want to know about them like bedroom stuff.
She lets me go and gives me a push towards my room and I head there while she slips down stairs humming. I set my hair up on its foam head after giving it a shake and I crawl back into my bed and sort of just fade into a nice sleep feeling right with my sheets and comforter, the way my underwear and “Breasts” feel and the smells of my soaps and shampoo and lotion and all of that just lets me be me and I drift off.
It’s Saturday and as much as I want to sleep in I can’t I have practice and I have to go in Steven mode. I slip out of my really nice and warm bed and start getting undressed and set my things in my hamper and I go and get out some of my other clothes and get dressed, thankfully it’s just sweats and a t-shirt and a sweat shirt over that and some socks I slip on some dress socks and then my wool socks over that I like wool because their warm at the rink and they sort of pad my skates nicely but the dress socks under them add a sweat barrier and keep me from getting the itchies.
I really, really miss my boobs and my panties and it’s just…I feel like such a damned guy.
Yick.
I head downstairs and Dad’s up and he’s ready and I get my coffee from him in my travel mug and we head out after I get my gear from the basement. I leave my gear in a net hammock in the basement and it airs out and stuff there but I do wipe it down too after I use it wipe Wet wipes and stuff to keep stuff clean, it’s not good to wash hockey pads and stuff. My outer wear though is clean and I pack it all up and go and get my sticks I take three with me and we load everything up in “The Pumpkin.” Dad looks at me and he smiles. “Ready?”
“Yeah I guess.” I take a sip of my coffee and we head out and actually we do our little stop routine on the way. Mickey-D’s first because as bad as it is for you we get McMuffins and them to BK for their hash brown thing because you can eat it like it’s a bar and then we stop at Tim Horton’s for more coffee and Timbits and Dad gets some doughnuts and a box of coffee.
Yeah a box of coffee is sort of like their version of wine in a box and dad puts it in a cooler in the back seat along with the box of doughnuts. When there’s no ice in them they keep in the heat instead of the cold.
“Buying coffee for the other dads?”
“Yep, my turn and stuff.”
We get to the arena and we stop and we eat our breakfast in the parking lot and honestly I do like this part of things it’s time with Dad and stuff and to be honest girls can eat and stuff too and I have an Egg McMuffin and my hash brown and a few timbits and my small double-double before we do anything and it’s just nice. We unload and we meet up with the guys and the dad’s and a few of the hockey mom’s there too and the coaches and dad’s greeted enthusiastically and me?
There’s some looks and there some sort of kind of faked smiles and maybe a frown or two. I hear gay sort of whispered back and forth behind my back on my way to the locker room and I was expecting this, I don’t like the whole thing and the way that some of these people are acting but there’s no shouting or complaining that I’m gay and that I shouldn’t be playing it’s just that new news behind my back stuff and it’s just.
Spiritually Yicky.
I’m so going to do some kind of like Aunt Els style of karmic cleanse after this morning.
I go into the locker room and the guys are there and I get looks and I blush at the thought of changing with them and there’s still some uncomfortableish sort of looks from some of the guys and Randy looks at me. “If you want the bathroom is all yours.”
There’s some looks but nothing bad is said and I look at the team, the coach is still out with the other adults. “Guys, I won’t like be hurt or offended if that’d make you more comfortable and stuff. I mean it’d kinda be a relief to me too honestly.”
There’s a few nods mostly from the guys I’m not as close to as the others and stuff and I take my stuff and I go into the bathroom. It’s just a one toilet room and stuff with a door but it’s.
Someone cleaned it up. I think it might have been some of the guys because it doesn’t smell like the industrial cleaner stuff but more like that purple Mr. Clean that sorta smells like flowers.
It’s a nice gesture actually.
I get changed into my stuff and gear and I sort of grit and bear the whole cup and jock thing and then we’re off and out on the ice and whatever was going on with the adults and the parents it seems to be over and their drinking coffee and manging (Fringlish) down some doughnuts and we hit the ice and we start doing drills and practicing some of the passing drills that we’ll actually use in games and there’s some of the guys near the end of it that get paired off with red armbands that are supposed to be the other teams guys and we actually play off against each other for a while.
That’s when there’s some of the guys that aren’t so sure about me kind of coming at me harder than usual. It’s not like getting checked more but they’re on me a bit more like they’re trying to push me because I’m gay or something.
Thing is I don’t play Mass-hockey, I’m not that big at thirteen and I don’t work out to get big I play for speed and passing and the occasional shot.
But it is messing with my passing a lot and I also notice Nick’s dad there and Nick’s on the opposite squad and his dad’s shooting me frowny I don’t like you looks and at the same time he’s doing the bad hockey dad shouting at Nick.
“C’mon get the lead out!”
“Hit him!” That wasn’t aimed at me but at Tim but still…
“You screwed that up, your mother can check harder that that!”
“Get the puck, get the puck dammit!”
And in between all of that there’s him using “Nickolas!” A lot and I might be hearing it more now since I know but it is getting under my skin that he’s just on him all the time.
Part of me wants to stand up for Nick and do something and I shoot him a look when he’s pushing me into the boards. “You…okay…”
“Yeah it’s fine…”
“He’s being a dick…Sorry.”
“It’s dad he’s always like this.”
“Shove me again.”
“No you’re not doing that…”
“Nick, just do it, it won’t matter here in practice like with games but if he sees you knocking down the gay boy then he might lay the heck off.”
“Steph…”
“It’s going to be a long weekend of listening…”
Ooof…he shoves and I could shove back but instead I let him take me hard to the boards and I fall and do a butt plant. I’ve got padding in spades but that’s why it’s Ooof and not ow.
I’m still getting up as Nick zips away with the puck down the ice and he actually makes a goal.
Good, I’m a girl we do stuff for others including sticking up for people sometimes even if it costs us a little.
I take a look and see his dad’s all happy and while not like crowing and strutting he’s so definitely happy that he took me down and even more that he scored.
I had the same pressure on me when I thought that my dad was all about the there ya go sport and atta-boys.
I’m so glad my dad’s my dad because I’d have likely gone like bonkers trying to not be me by going like super male.
Or plan b and that was start to transition as soon as I hit university. Actually that was the life plan as soon as I could I’d be doing that and I’d have just had to deal with the fallout later and stuff,
Now, now it feels so much different and I know at some point I really need to get a professional opinion and stuff so I can get off the one way trip to guy town.
Ideally I’d like to be me and all me or as close as I can get so when I turn eighteen I can get my bottom surgery and that’ll be the only thing that’ll be left for me to be myself.
Sigh.
But still it’s kind of a good sigh.
We finish up and we head to the locker room and Nick’s dad is still beaming and stuff and he gives me this little bit of a smug look and I just smile and shy girl duck my head and let him think it’s bugging me or that he’s mantimidating me a little.
We all get into the locker rooms and the coach comes in and we start getting changed. I forgo the bathroom this time and there’s some looks from the guys that are still not all on board and the coach goes over the stuff we need to work on and tells us that we have a game coming on the second of November.
It goes for a little bit and we’re not cold because of the heaters in there have been turned up and before long he’s gone and we’re packing our gear up.
Nick comes over to me and set’s his bag and stuff by mine to pack it all up. He’s kind of quiet at first and the he glances over at me. “You didn’t have to do that Steph…”
“You’re going through some stuff with him Nick…I’m not really…I mean I am but home’s gotten kinda good for me and it’s okay, I’m like paying it forwards.”
“You shouldn’t have to dad’s being a butt.”
“Yeah, he is but it’s going to get worse.”
He looks at me.
I give him this sorry shrug. “I’m going to likely come out for real after Halloween.”
Nick sighs. “Fuck.”
I resist the urge to do the girl thing and hug him with some of the guy’s still sort of uncomfortable and weirded out a bit and I look at him.
“Look my folks are going to be going through a lot of the gender therapy stuff and we’ll have like lists and stuff of people that we can give you guys to talk to and maybe my parents can talk to you parents and stuff?”
“That’s assuming they’ll listen. I mean I’m not even close to being sure about the girl stuff like you but…I mean it’s been on my mind and I just really wanted to know.”
“So why did you come to the dance for it?’
“Because I didn’t feel anything while I was scared and hiding in my room just trying to picture something that I hadn’t even thought about until I seen those papers. And with you and stuff I kind of figured I might get a better idea if I was someplace same…like a costume dance…with you and your friends.”
“And it felt?”
“Scary but okay…I mean I like some of the clothes and stuff but some of the other stuff kinda sucked. I think I have an instant hate for pantyhose. And wearing a dress was…scary and stuff feeling that exposed but at the same time…feeling kinda pretty was.”
“Amazing right? I t’s sort of like I uhm…we… no…I get to wear who I’ve been hiding on the inside on the outside and she makes people smile and stuff.”
He nods. “It was just sort of weird nice? Guys were being nice to me and really different than when I usually knew them. It was…I’m not sure if it was cool or some of it was kind of fake.”
I nod. “And that’s how girls feel too. Is he being real is a big deal. And there’s a lot of guys that aren’t and people get hurt. I mean girls do it too I know but I’m just coming at it from my perspective.”
He nods and he looks at me and he smiles a shy little smile and it’s kind of cute and it’s mostly Nick but with a little bit of Ella in there. You know what? Nick looks like a guy pretty much but he has eyes like a girl.
I just hope he or she can get through what’ll be coming and stuff.
“Thanks Steph, you’re a pretty cool person.”
“How about pretty and cool.”
He smirks at me. “Not dressed like that.”
(Sigh…) “Yeah tell me about it. I really want to get home and get changed back.”
It’s Nick who hugs me with a short one armed hug and we get our bags and we head out to meet up with the parents and Dad takes my bag and leaves me to carry my skates and sticks.
“You okay honey, you took a hit there?”
“Yeah Nick’s dad was being a ‘Tard and riding him about some stuff and kind wanted him to man up.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I mean I don’t know all of the stuff behind it and I shouldn’t say stuff but…”
“He’s your friend and he’s getting pushed too hard by his dad?”
We get the stuff into “The Pumpkin” and then get in and I look at him.
“Nick was born with both sets of stuff down below and when he was a baby it was (I do air-quotes.) fixed and Nick found out and brought it up and it didn’t go over well and his dad’s been mantimidating him because suddenly Nick’s freaked out over it and wants answers.”
I look at Dad and he’s nodding and thinking and after a few minutes he says. “I can see that happening, I mean there’s some guys that are…stuck on their idea of what being a man is. And Greg…he’s one of those sports dad’s sometimes. Hey we’ll keep a look out on this and if Nick gets into trouble we can help out maybe me and your mom can say something to him and Natalie.”
Here’s not the locker room so boy clothes or not when we get to a light and stop I hug him. “Thanks Daddy.”
And he hugs me back. “Anytime sweetheart.”
We make a side stop since its Saturday morning still and we stop at the country club. Well it’s not one of those ones but it’s a golf place and has tennis but it’s mostly like stuff for horses and stuff. Horse stuff’s pretty big here in Ontario and stuff and one of the big money things with some of the kids is riding lessons and dressage but it’s got all these old barns there and it’s right near this big orchard farm so it’s where everyone has the big farmers market.
I usually just stayed in the van and stuff but this time I go with Dad and we start to get some stuff. It’s like really awesome here there’s people cooking and there’s some baked goods and people selling produce so there’s these smells from the stables and all this dried hay scents all mingled with the scent of apples and other fruits and bread and stuff like pies and the cooking stuff which goes from the bratwurst guy to the lady that does the Indian food and the scent of butter chicken and fresh baked Indian bread.
No seriously her husband made her a portable tandoor oven with like a propane tank and everything. And there’s a line for her food I get in line while dad’s talking to some people and I get us a cup of Dahl each and it’s really good after the practice and he and I sip at it and spoon up the hot lentils which are a lot better that some people think.
Dad gets some stuff and I’m a little happy because I think he’s making one of his things again and there’s red and golden beets and carrots and some squash plus some sweet potatoes. And he buys some of the fresh baked breads there. Miss Carson one of the local artist ladies my Mom knows she makes homemade hearth baked bread in those round loaves and without the GMO wheat and all the artificial stuff and we do try and buy her stuff because one it’s better and two it’s supporting local artisans and stuff.
We head home with the back of the van stuffed with the veggies and other food plus a few things that Dad just wanted like fresh butter and cheeses…which are apparently kind of illegal? And mushrooms, its fall and you can get some good ones in the fall I guess.
There’s a stop at the Bratwurst guy who is actually a butcher and he sells more than just sausages and dad gets this big chunk of pork that’s like the loin and has fat and the skin and stuff.
Yeah yum…he’s going to stuff it and roll it up and put it on the rotisserie thing we have for the BBQ and make his porchetta.
“Aunt Els and M.J. eating with us again?”
“Yep and your Mom wants to do a bunch of canning and stuff tomorrow so I’m thinking a big family meal today and leftovers for Sunday.”
“I can go with that. You think Mom will let me help in the kitchen?”
“I can guarantee it she said me and Stephanie and the girls when she told me to get some of this stuff.”
“Cool!”
He looks at me. “Really?”
I nod. “Dad I love doing this stuff with you but I really want to do all of this stuff with Mom and learn all the old school stuff that women can do.”
“Isn’t that a little sexist?”
“No! I mean some girls might not be into it but I’d love to be able to know this stuff for when I’m on my own and then I can like really cook or I can be like all Pinterest with my friends and people I have over.”
“Pinterest?”
“It’s kinda like a Martha Stewart sort of thing on the internet and it has all these different people doing all these really neat things.”
He smiles at me and gives me a hug at the next stop and he’s grinning all the way home and Aunt Els’s jeep is there and we head inside and Will and rob come out to help with the stuff and so does Mark and Jen’s there too.
I give them a smile. “I’d hug but I’m all boy stenchy from practice.”
Mom just grins. “Go and get cleaned up and stuff then we can go and get out of the way of the boys.”
“Go where?” I let Dad take my skates and sticks from me and mom passes me a shopping bag with a really big and study box in it.
I give her a look and she’s grinning as bad as Dad is.
I take out the box and…Oh em gee.
They’re Riedell’s…They’re Riedell’s Red ribbon ladies figure skates. I open them and they’re new and their white except for the sole/bottom of them which is red leather and red enameled bracing for the blades and they are so pretty.
I start tearing up and then Mom and Aunt Els and Mary Jane and Jen all hold up their skates and stuff and I can’t help it but bounce up and down. “Really!?, really!?”
Mom nods and has the biggest smile and she gestures upstairs. “Go get changed Steph we do have to keep or ice time y’know.”
I Squee! And hug her and grab M.J. and head upstairs at a run. “C’mon I need help!”
Masks Chapter 30
*Before…
I take out the box and…Oh em gee.
They’re Riedell’s…They’re Riedell’s Red ribbon ladies figure skates. I open them and they’re new and their white except for the sole/bottom of them which is red leather and red enameled bracing for the blades and they are so pretty.
I start tearing up and then Mom and Aunt Els and Mary Jane and Jen all hold up their skates and stuff and I can’t help it but bounce up and down. “Really!?, really!?”
Mom nods and has the biggest smile and she gestures upstairs. “Go get changed Steph we do have to keep or ice time y’know.”
I Squee! And hug her and grab M.J. and head upstairs at a run. “C’mon I need help!”
*And Now…
I run up the stairs with Mary Jane in tow and I start going through my stuff and digging out clothes and stuff and I actually know exactly what I want to wear and I scamper off to the bathroom to get de-stevened.
I can’t help it but to hit play on my CD player there and kick in *I’m walking on sunshine* by Katrina and the something’s but it’s a really good tune and I really fast and super soapy shower and stuff and M.J.’s there as I’m getting out and drying off.
“Panties!” She says like a surgeon.
“Aye ma’am!”
“Turn woman!” I turn and she splotches my chest with the adhesive and then she put’s one boob in place and then the other and with each she takes my hand and slaps it over a boob. “Hold em.”
“Aye ma’am!”
She turns me around and we see the whole thing in the mirror and me with my hands on my boobs and we burst out laughing and into the giggles and stuff. I hold myself in place and Mary Jane starts in on doing my hair.
It’s all sorts of awesome considering my life and stuff just last week and everything and it kinda hits me right in the feels.
“M.J.?”
“Yeah?”
“This, I mean all of this and you doing stuff like this is really amazing you know right?”
“Steph you’re my best friend, you always will be.”
“Mary Jane…” I say her name kind of seriously.
She looks at me. “What is it Steph?”
I look at her back in the mirror. “I want you to do this when I get married; I want you to be my maid of honor.”
She sniffles. “You know we’re like thirteen and stuff right?”
(Sniffle.) “Yeah I know but you’re my cousin AND my best friend you’re closer than blood to me.”
She tears up and she cries and she slides her hand on my shoulder and I reach up and we hook pinkies.
“As long as you’re there and mine too….Deal?” (Sniffle.)
(Sniffle.) “Deal…”
And we pinky swear and shake on it which means its serious stuff.
It doesn’t take too long to get ready after that and a cold wash cloth between us and I get dressed to go skating. Regular bra and panties but over my panties a set of tights that I wanted to wear and more than for just around the house. They’re just plain and black but they are pretty awesome when I combine them with this short skirt that I have. It’s not that short like four or so inches past the knees y’know like above them and they’re a cute tartan print and I get a tee-shirt on and them I dig out one of my Christmas sweaters. It’s one of those one that the half blind great aunt knits you that would get a guy beat or teased for it.
Me…it’s big because she Great Aunt Tilly made if for me to grow into or was bored or something but it’s huge and it’s fluffy white wool all except for like the blue snowflake trim at the cuff and collar and there’s more like all the way around the last five or six inches.
Steven would never wear it, could not wear it because it’s really guyboden, but I think it’s really cute.
And so does Mary Jane because she’s looking it over and smiling. “I’m so borrowing this.”
I nod. “Of course you are because I mean you and like sweaters you know.”
And I’m actually checking myself out in the mirror with the whole sweater boob thing as I’m saying it too and I’m grinning. I sooo love this, I really do.
“Wow…I just feel right…”
“You look it.” I look at M.J. and she’s looking at me and she gives me her serious nod. “You really do, this is sooo the real you.”
I grin and we sort of run and bounce downstairs together and I get my boots on. Yes! Oh I have my boots my girl boots down by the door like everyone else’s are and it’s so cool and I head out with them and dad’s go the BBQ going and the picnic table is beside him and he’s got the pig laid out on a really big tray and he’s showing it with his spices and stuff and Rob and Will are watching.
Mark’s actually doing up the beets and stuff and Jen and him share a kiss before we all head and pile into Aunt Els’s jeep.
Eeeeee... it’s a whole bunch of girls stuffed together into a jeep and it’s so cool!
Jen’s like. “That looks so good what their making. What is your dad making anyway?”
Mom’s riding shotgun so the three of us younger girls are all wedged into the back and Aunt Els looks back in the mirror and she says in this like country voice. “Hossenfeffer!”
Okay…I don’t get it but Mom’s laughing and Aunt Els backs out really, really fast and then we’re off so fast she chirps the tires! That’s so cool, I’m so used to Mom and Dad’s driving and Aunt Els drives like well.
Well Mom’s using the Holy Eff Handles.
But we’re all laughing.
And then the stereo starts to blast *Joyride.* by some 80’s band but its fun and Mom and Aunt Els know all the words to it.
And a whole bunch of like really awesome girl pop and stuff.
*Touch Me.* By another 80’s girl and wow it’s really suggestive.
*True Colors* Okay cool I know that one and that’s Cindy Lauper the like blonde New Jersey version of like Sharon Osborne. Oh and we sing along to *Girls just wanna have fun.* right after that and that was way cool.
It was likely one of the best rides going someplace I’ve had yet. I mean it was us and driving and singing along.
The one little bit of kinda no-fair.
Jen can really sing.
But she was that good that it was still awesome.
We pull into the old rink and it’s like not that old but it’s just not the one the town wanted for the hockey games and the sports stuff that comes in here and stuff plus it’s always a good idea I guess to have like a big place or something for like concerts.
The old rink is just that about twenty rows of seats and the rink surface. Well there’s a canteen and changing and bathrooms too but that’s about it just another small rinky-dink-rink.
There’s a whole bunch of other girls there on the ice and maybe a guy or two but not that many and they’re actually kinda older like Mark’s age.
They wave to “Jen!” and she waves back.
I look at her well we’re all looking at her. She blushes. “What they take dance lessons from my mom.”
I nod. “Are they?”
She raises and eyebrow then she smiles. “What? Are they gay? Nope not a bit.”
I blush.
She giggles. “I know, when I met them I thought so too I mean it’s like the whole stereotype but they’re not they’re just two nice guys.”
“I really try to not do the stereotyping thing.”
Jen nods. “I can guess why. But Ian and Derek are really good guys.”
We get our skates on and we all hit the ice and we do a lap or two and I’m leaving them in the dust except for Jen who looks at me. “No, like this you’re guy skating its hockey player moves and she’s right, the way that I’m moving my legs is different than what you see real figure skaters do on TV.
She shows me and it’s actually not that hard to pick up especially since I’m all me and not Steven. It’s really easy to not to fall into my whole body memory thing when there’s so much different. My little boob jiggle and I love my boob jiggle.
What? I do…and my hair and really, really my gaff.
It feels so good to be smooth and to have the Yick stick and the little evil twins out of my way and just be me.
I’m still mostly just doing laps and hanging with Mary Jane as we skate and stuff and she’s watching those two guys that know Jen.
“See something you like?”
She blushes. “Maybe…kinda…”
I look too and like actually look and try to be girljective about it and well their muscled and stuff and clean shaven and not really girly guys when I really look at them but they do look good. Okay that could be that they’re actually helping and teaching other kids but there’s at least half of those girl in that age range from our ages to like eighteen or so and guys tend to try to clean up around girls.
Okay and the clothes are too bad either. Those sort of windbreaker pants you see sometimes but also they’re wearing those tight cotton sweaters that hug you when you wear them and a t-shirt over those comfy and cool and yet warm at the same time.
There’s definitely something I can see girls liking about them. I’m actually more interested in the stuff that they’re showing these kids.
I do though look at M.J. “Yeah I can get it.”
“Really!?”
“Kinda, I mean I’ve never really thought about it ‘cause I don’t have the drives and stuff yet which is why I like don’t know what I’m interested in yet but I mean looking at it girljectively I can admit there’s something there that most girls would like.”
Mary Jane twitches her nose. “Girljectively huh?”
(Nod-nod.)
She looks at them again. “They are definitely boy pretty.”
I look at her as we do another loop and I spin around and skate backwards. “I wouldn’t go as far as looking pretty but…”
She grins and does this impersonation I actually get. “Shiny.”
I laugh and turn around and we slip our arms together and she looks and me and bats her lashes and points at the guys. “Inara look, they got boy whores, isn’t that thoughtful.”
She said it so sunny and bright and just so…I’m laughing and I can’t stop and I know that someone hearing it outside if like the context or something would think all kinds of stuff but I love that show, it’s one of the few that I own and because of those girls…Kaylee so sweet and Inara soulful and sexy and Zoá« so beautiful and strong and even poor River.
I’m laughing so hard my skates come out from under me and I buttplant and take Mary Jane with me and we burst out laughing all the more from that and all over again when we sort of stop and there’s people looking at us and the two guys just there and just them looking like that and looking at them makes us laugh all over again.
Jen ends up skating over to us and asks. “What just got into you two?”
We just giggle and she helps us up. “Nothing, we’re just being silly.”
“Well come on over and we can learn a few moves.”
“Okay!” That was me because as funny as the whole thing was it’s still me…me getting to learn how to do figure skating stuff.
M.J. takes my hand though smiling as we head over.
And the guys are nice.
I mean they really got points from me because they had the younger girls that were girls and then like anyone that was like our age or older they called ladies.
Also points because yeah they looked at us like all guys do and stuff it was that hmm-girl look but not a disrespectful one? I mean they definitely gave us the look over that boys/guys do but it didn’t linger and it wasn’t like all pervy.
It was sooo awesome to be included in both little things without obviously being included in such things.
Yay me!
It’s mostly learning turns and those smooth little curvettes that are like this whole way of skating the building up to a trick style stuff. I don’t care even doing this I feel so graceful and pretty.
Derek takes me aside since he thinks I’m good enough to learn more and he teaches me step by step how to do a crossover. That’s that sleek way that you go from skating backwards to front and then from that he shows me the half cross which is harder.
That’s when you go and do a crossover but you start it on one foot and end it on the other. It’s not a jump but it’s the foundation move for all the basic jumps because it teaches you the whole body rotation thing that you should have down pretty good before you get into all the real jumps like the axles and sow’s.
It’s a lot of work and skating a little bit different than hockey it has my legs sore right at the tops of my thighs like you get when you climb a whole lot of stairs.
Derek looks at me. “Take a break? You’re looking like you could use one.”
“Thanks, I’m not used to figure skating and doing these sort of things. I’m more of a regular kind of tomboy skater.”
He nods and gestures over to the bench area and I skate over with him. “You use the muscles differently than in regular skating just in keeping a whole other kind of balance.”
I nod. “Definitely, I’m really glad that I’m getting to learn though it’s something I always wanted to learn. So uhm…how’d you and Ian get into it.”
He takes out a big thermos and pours us two cups of coco and passes me one. Its coco and not hot chocolate but it’s really, really good still.
“Our hockey team actually, we did a charity thing where we were sort of dared to do a figure skating show for charity so we took pledges if we did it and we raised a bunch of money.”
“What was the charity?”
“It was for the Canadian Heart and Stroke Foundation.”
“Cool, good cause.”
He smiles and nods. “We’re doing a show with some other teams after Christmas for the Cancer society this year.”
I smile and sip my hot chocolate. “So the charity stuff’s not a one time thing?”
“If everyone only did something, anything it’d be a different world Stephanie.”
I raise an eyebrow. “I…uhm…was that a line? Because I’m like thirteen.” I blush.
He laughs. “No and double no because I’m not one of those guys. But you’d be worth it if we were the same age though.”
BLUSH…Whoa…
“R..really?”
“Definitely, you’re smart and easy to talk to.”
“Isn’t that friend zone stuff?”
“I’ll let you know something, Most guys like someone that get’s them over everything else.” He doesn’t even look insulted on anything just kind of normal…?
“So you guys need any help with the charity stuff?”
“Always, look lets get back out there and I’ll show you a few more things and I’ll get you some contact info for some of the stuff we’re doing.”
“Cool, this all sounds very WE-Day.”
He grins. “WE-Day’s awesome and I’ve been to two of them.”
We finish our coco’s and skate back out and we start doing more stuff. I mean all of us as a group and stuff but at the same time…
I know Dad and Mark and they’re cool because they’re family but Derek and Ian…as a guy…I wasn’t like exposed to guys like them. I really didn’t know they came like that outside of books and movies.
And while no yay, gooey zing feelings.
I could really see myself enjoying hanging out with them or someone like them.
And what Derek said.
If I was the same age.
Yeee…that just made me feel all like…like solidly girly. It was like me being younger was the only thing different in us talking. Very big solid girly yays.
And the rest of the ice time, was great too.
I mean it’s not like figure skating exploded in my blood or something but to skate around and do curvettes and changeovers and even do hat glide coasting on one foot. That’s what I end up doing the rest of the time there that whole ballerina coasting thing.
I feel so pretty and girly doing that.
And M.J. too I think, she’s got this grin as we’re unlacing our skates. “That was awesome.” I kinda say with the whole dreamy sigh thing.
She nods. “I gotta agree there was some real awesome moments.”
I’m stopping to watch Jen actually teaching Ian some dance thing and we get to see that sort of behind the scenes stuff for like partners dancing on ice. (Sigh…) “That looks kinda cool.”
M.J. Nods. “They I guess do stuff for charity.”
I nod still watching. “Yeah Derek said that he’s going to get me some information and stuff.”
“For what?”
“The stuff they work at. I kinda think giving backs a cool idea. We could do stuff like the stuff on WE-day like Derek said.”
Mary Jane looks at me. “We could, I’ve seen it on TV.”
I smile. “Besides and I know this is kinda of sexist and corny but it feels right as a girl.”
M.J. looks at me. “That’s because caring as a girl about anything isn’t guyboden.”
I snerk at her using my word.
Mom settles behind us. “I think helping out’s a great thing, it builds character and looks good on a resume.”
“Mom…I’m not doing it as a resume builder.” I stick my tongue out at her.
Mom grins and does the same and crosses her eyes.
Aunt Els pinches her while she can’t see her and Mom squeals. Then there’s a ten second Momnager slap and squeal fight between the two of them. I lean into M.J. who hugs me. It’s a family thing but it like two pairs of sisters thing too.
Best friends two sets of them.
My heart’s so big right now.
Derek and Ian meet us at the way out of the rink and he passes me some folded over printer paper. “Here’s some of the contact info for some of the charities we’re working with it’ll get you started and it’s really cool that you ladies want to help out and stuff.”
“It’s really cool being called ladies Derek, thanks for not treating us like we’re just kids.” Mary Jane says smiling.
Okay…there’s such a big difference in reactions there too. I mean I know that they’re good guys but there’s a difference between them talking to me and then M.J.
Several cup sizes difference.
Jen and I share a look though and a grin, which is kinda cool since my up-top problems are really close to hers.
I do smile and thank them both and give them both light hugs.
I’m not a handshake girl, just don’t really, it's not me.
We all do actually and leave piling out again and back into the jeep and my legs and feet are having the game day feelings. That’s when you skate so hard in the game that your legs feel sort of strange walking without blades and just walking. I’ve done the rink thing twice and I’m definitely feeling my skate legs.
We get back home after a stop at a café place Aunt Els knows and we get something to drink. I get an almond milk latte to be different and we just go for a drive just us girls to kill some time and look at the changing leaves.
We actually stop at one of those little ramp roads that come off the highway that the road crews leave behind and that other people use afterwards and we park and lock the jeep up and take our hit drinks and just walk in and then down one of the ATV trails following the highway until it comes to the railroad overpass and then we go out on it and just sit watch traffic and talk as we finish our drinks.
It’s how cute the guys were and me getting involved, I’m not on their level without like hormones and stuff but it was cool the way Derek made me feel and the whole thing at the rink. That, that I share. Kind of like Mom and Aunt Els talking about how long it’s been since they’ve been on skates just having a day like this. Like our age, like high school…like twenty some years.
And M.J. about how when she was skating she wasn’t all about her looks and boobs but just feeling free.
Jen with how in her family there’s just her and her mom and dad and they’re so busy working that they don’t get to have days like this.
We all agree that it’s like really overdue and the day was so good and we walk back to the Jeep taking our time.
You know I’ve never just, gone for a walk before.
It feels like I’m leaving some life BS I’ve stored up in my bootprints.
And this, five girls/women just being us…it sort of speaks to me too. All of us I think as we’re all pretty good, like happy kind of zen good coming home.
Oh the smells.
First it’s hardwood burning smells like just a little but definitely coming off the BBQ. And them pork and herbs and spices.
They did some more stuff from what I could tell around the house and there’s more lights and stuff but they also cooked and made supper.
Mom so has this hugely smug wife-mom look on her face and Dad passes her a beer and they kiss. I…yeah sigh. Boy/Girl I want that with someone someday.
Aunt Els comes in giving Dad a hip bump and sniff’s the air. “Hossenfeffer, I want my Hossenfeffer…” Again with that odd accent/imitation and while M.J. and I are drawing a blank and shrugging at each other Dad’s laughing.
The boys actually keep it up and set the table and serve the stuff out on the table.
There’s the porchetta which is a young pig deboned and rolled up like a jelly-roll but with olive oil and kosher salt, pepper and chopped rosemary and even some chili peppers and dark olives. It’s spit roasted until the crust gets all crackling like a roast pig only you cut this off in slices.
Roasted porchetta fat potatoes….dad puts a big roaster under the porchetta to catch the drippings and to keep things from flaring up too bad. (Too much grease smoke makes food waxy tasting.) So instead of wasting it or the heat he tosses in the rosemary and lots of chopped garlic and a pot of halfway boiled potatoes. The pork fat and juices fall into the roaster and cook them the rest of the way and he adds in salt and pepper and a bit more chopped herbs before their done.
Then there’s the root veggies.
Yum… actually always a fave for me. Dad just takes the yellow beets and tops them and peels the and cuts the big ones into halves or quarters then it’s like chunks that size for the carrots and turnips, squash chunks and sometimes sweet potatoes and parsnips. Then it all gets tossed in melted butter and black pepper and some pumpkin pie mix, not a lot just like a few table spoons of it but…yum. See he wraps it up like a mushroom and onion pack on the bbq and it all steams together, the juices come out and together and blend with the butter and pumpkin pie filing and the starchy veggies will all pull it in too at the same time like potatoes in a stew.
You never have to worry about kids not eating their veggies here. Not when they’re done like this. And it all has a kiss of the smoke since dad tossed in a satchet of smoking chips just before everything’s done so there’s this campfire effect…BBQ’s are awesome in the fall.
Add that to Mark making apple pie…yeah he made pie and Rob and Will making hot apple cider with spices in the slow cooker.
Dad kills the some of the lights in the house and Mom puts on the radio from the stereo in the den and stuff and we all settle down for a big Saturday evening supper passing food and dishes and talking as the music plays on.
Masks Chapter 31
Chapter 31
*Before…
Add that to Mark making apple pie…yeah he made pie and Rob and Will making hot apple cider with spices in the slow cooker.
Dad kills the some of the lights in the house and Mom puts on the radio from the stereo in the den and stuff and we all settle down for a big Saturday evening supper passing food and dishes and talking as the music plays on.
*And Now…
It’s just so nice.
Family all together and just the day that I got to have was just absolutely awesome. I mean really.
Y’know in the whole lot of dreams that I’ve had about me being really me today wasn’t on the list.
Well okay the figure skating was definitely in the whole dream of things list and stuff but before the way things seem to have changed and shifted I never thought that anything like that was going to happen or was like even possible.
Heck this whole thing with all of us here at supper was on the whole list of things that I thought were impossible.
I really enjoy this whole thing and it’s almost a whole different way maybe? I mean me as me, as Steph I’m sort of looking at this whole family thing in a more of a family way?
I know it’s a kind of girly thing…I mean feeling like this and stuff right? Or am I just projecting? I mean the guys seem to be having a good time too.
Ah well…I sooth all the deep thoughts with pork slow cooked with rosemary and salt and pepper and garlic and the sooo good crunchy pork skin that comes with each slice of the porchetta.
And after that I happily extend my plate to Mark as it comes time for apple pie.
No saucers…Those are fine but in our house we pretty much have this thing where you clean off your plate and when we all do dishes it actually makes a whole lot of sense really and we’re kinda aping dad too who has always done this instead of dirtying another dish.
The pie is actually not bad at all the filling is really good with lots of apples but I can taste cinnamon and a tiny bit of nutmeg and a nice hint too of all-spice. All-spice goes really well with a lot of things especially apples I don’t know why people don’t use it.
The crust is…well it’s chewwwwy…Mark really over worked the dough and he didn’t let it rest and chill enough before using it. Still it’s really, really cool of him to like try and Jen is definitely impressed and she’s even eating the crust.
See it’s not just guys that do that kind of thing.
But the maple whipped cream more than makes up for the crust though and it’s just good whipping cream and a couple of table spoons of maple syrup. It’s not even all that sweet but oh wow does it have that smell.
And having Will and Rob’s attempt at hot apple cider with it is just right.
They actually did a really good job with that. I mean it’s not really that hard and stuff but there are a whole slew of guys out there that don’t know even that much or could be bothered to.
I’m so stuffed that I feel like I might have to roll away from the table.
I stop and I stretch and I start to take some of the dishes. Mom looks at me. “Honey you don’t have to do that you know.”
“Mom I had a really good day so it’s just like a kind of a thank you because you guys all planned it and stuff.”
She smiles and I lean over and take her dishes and she kisses me on the cheek.
“Good girl.”
And that’s it right there, another one of those things that hits me square in my heart and squeezes it just right.
Good girl…two little words but it wasn’t the words but it was how they were said. And mom had just said it in this soft sweet everyday way.
Like she’s been saying that to me all of my life.
Or like she so gets that I’m meant to.
Two little words and a sweet mom smile.
It really doesn’t take much sometimes to make me over the moon happy.
I kiss her cheek. “You’re welcome momma.”
I know I just got some weird looks from Will and Rob when I said momma but y’know there are times for mom or mum and there’s times when momma just fits too.
Tell you the truth I fell in love with the word when I heart it used on TV with a down south accent from the states.
I actually love stuff like that.
I’m a really odd little geekette.
I like deep southern words and I like the stuff you hear on BBC.
I giggle snort when I think of someone not being arsed enough to do something. And even some of the swears and stuff.
Toe rag.
*Snerk and giggle.* Yeah I’m laughing all the way into the kitchen because my brain just sort of goes off like that sometimes and M.J. comes in with some more and she gives me this look like I’m so very, very odd.
“What the heck are you laughing at?”
“A word.”
She tilts her head. “But I didn’t hear anything?”
“Oh it was in my head.”
“Oh…uhm…okay.”
I start giggling again.
Mary Jane crosses her arms. “Okay, what’s the word?”
“Toe Rag.”
I can’t help it there’s this whole look of confusion and WTF on M.J.’s face and it sets me off. Then her expression changes as it goes from trying to figure out what it means to actually figuring out what it means.
“Oh...oh eeew Stephanie why are you even thinking about that!/”
I’m laughing. “It’s not that I’m thinking about that I was just thinking about words and how they can be cool and stuff and funny and that popped into my brain.”
“But…but Toe rag!!!?”
I look at her and she’s looking at me and we just both burst into a fit of the giggles.
We laugh and get the dishes to the sink and start running the water and that quickly becomes a thing when Mary Jane flicks water at me and I flick her back and we’re both soon having a water fight and it’s actually so much fun because I’m safe.
I’m home and I’m safe and I can be me so I can laugh the way that I just do normally and scream and be Stephanie and have this moment of fun without it feeling like something that I have to steal.
Y’know that’s kind of priceless.
We get the dishes done and we have the boys giving us funny looks when they come in with some more stuff while we’re doing it and M.J. and I are laughing.
And all it took was them being there and her saying. “Toe.”
I’m sure my brothers think I’m crazier than just being transgendered.
Which in its own way is kind of cool.
We get everything done and with nothing else to do and the parents doing the gathered parents thing and Mark taking Jen home M.J. and I head to my room and we settle it on my bed with my laptop and we go online and stuff.
I actually show her some of the video stuff that I’m into with like that You Tube tutorials and stuff but not just that but those time lapse transition things of some of the girls that are there too.
I heave a big sigh. “I so wish that was me.”
She looks over at me. “Hey you’re just as pretty as they are.”
“Uhm…no, I’m wearing a weave and fake boobs and I’m still facing down Yickville.”
“Steph c’mon you honestly think that your folks aren’t going to try and get you started?”
“I don’t know and even if they’re cool with it it’s not just up to me or them I have to go see like a bunch of shrinks and doctors before it’s even possible.”
Mary Jane slides in closer for that close girlfriend cuddle.
No not like actual girlfriend cuddle but that best friend and sister cuddle up and stuff.
It’s still cool though more than because not that long ago I’d be torturing myself with this stuff all alone and have no actual outlet for being the real me.
It’s all sorts of better than it was.
“Steph you’ll get there, I mean seriously you are such a girl.”
Her just saying that to me gives me this little bit of awesome shivers.
“Really…”
“Hmmm….you’re moany, you worry about your looks, you’re all angsty over getting your boobs and you’re just plain odd with stuff like words and things that I’ve never even heard of a guy being interested in or well…even thinking about so yeah you’re a girl.”
“Thanks Mary Jane.”
“I have the boobs therefore I must cheerlead in one form or another.”
I look at her and she gives me this semi-serious look before crossing her eyes.
I laugh. “You’re making boob jokes?”
“Hey, I’m allowed. If I have to have the bad I get the good too.”
“I’d like some good.”
“Hey…you’ll get there and who knows it runs in the family so you get on the hormones and then who knows…powy you’ll get boobs.”
“Boobies.” I snicker.
“Bewbs.” M.J. says drawing it out and making me laugh some more.
We laugh and giggle and then we play around with the computer so we can watch a movie and we end up watching *The Vow.* with that Channing Tatum guy in it and okay…emotionally it’s a very, very ow movie and then there’s him.
I’m not saying I’m having a moment but there’s some scenes where he’s interesting looking and that’s not in any way Steven looking at him.
No, no funny feeling in my panties but there’s this something that sort of says.
Oh…
I’m Mary Jane’s case very oh by the way she was staring at the screen….and other things.
Kinda makes me have that feeling that I wish I felt more one way or another.
Aunt Els calls for her and I walk her downstairs and M.J. and I hug before she and her mom head off home and I see mom and dad snuggled on the couch again making me have that sort of sigh in a good way thing and I head upstairs and I get ready for bed.
I’m actually kind of happy to do it though.
Tomorrow is Sunday.
I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything and it’s all going to be a day of just me being me.
My first real Stephanie day.
I take my hair off and set it on the head thingy I have for it and I go and take a shower and use lots of shower gel and stuff and get myself smelling all girl-right and then head to my room in my robe.
I put on some music to listen to and I take my time getting ready and stuff. Lotion and powder where I think I need it and make my bed and get it all ready and comfy and then I brush and take care of my hair…well my weave but I do mine too…
“Short…it’s short but it’s a cute butchie cut…it’s not a boy’s cut.” And you know if I comb it just right it does sort of look like that.
I could do more but wearing hair product to bed would be just a really bad idea.
I get into my bed clothes…and thin cotton band bra thing…it’s not like one with straps and it’s not one of those sports bras but it’s like a thin white soft cotton bra-tee-shirt. Yes I’m wearing my boobs to bed and yes I showered with them on…they don’t have to come off tonight and I really, really want this too.
I want to sleep like me.
Then it’s a night shirt…Fluttershy actually and some cute but pretty normal panties and I slip into bed and I turn the lights off and settle in.
I can just sort of remember how right it felt when I rolled over onto my side and snuggled up against my spare pillow and that weight shift thing, the form and pressure and then it was drifting away…smiling.
This was good…so good.
Tomorrow will be better.
Masks Chapter 32
Chapter 32
*Before…
Then it’s a night shirt…Fluttershy actually and some cute but pretty normal panties and I slip into bed and I turn the lights off and settle in.
I can just sort of remember how right it felt when I rolled over onto my side and snuggled up against my spare pillow and that weight shift thing, the form and pressure and then it was drifting away…smiling.
This was good…so good.
Tomorrow will be better.
*And Now…
Better?
Oh my goddess.
I like sleeping in.
But I love sleeping in as a girl.
My morning comes around and I’m in my bed with my girly fluffy comforter around me and in my underwear and there’s this weight there on my chest, leaning with the gravity of me sleeping on my side. They didn’t slip out of place but they’re just gelly enough to lean/move the right way.
I sit up and they move and they feel so right.
Everything feels just right, just so right for once.
I look at the clock and it’s twenty passed nine and the house is quiet. I get up and I check myself out in the mirror and then get a pair of track pants and sock and slip into them and head off to use the bathroom and wash my hands and my face.
Hmm…kitchen.
I head down and I’m quiet I can hear Will and Rob snoring and I know that Mom and Dad had a late night and Mark’s likely already gone to work. He has a part time job and Sundays he goes in because they only run that one shift.
So I have the kitchen to myself and I’m not really hungry, hungry so I grab the blender and the orange juice and dump some in and some unflavored yogurt and a squirt of honey and then a few drops of vanilla. I buzz it up for a few seconds and then pour it all into one of our huge old school A&W mugs and a couple of ice cubes and I rinse out the blender and grab a small chunk of the porchetta skin from the leftovers in the fridge and chew on that as I head back upstairs to my room.
I sip at my homemade version of an Orange-Julius and make my bed and then I start to go over my room. I put of my girl mix but not too loud and I just start to go over my room to fine tune it. I mean it was done for me and stuff and it’s really cool but I have the time and I’m making it mine.
And my clothes…rearranging them and stuff and my make-up and stuff.
It’s a really good way to spend the morning and I kind of hear the house coming alive and stuff at different points and around lunch and stuff is when I come out and head downstairs to get something real to eat.
The porchetta is out on the kitchen island and so are two loaves of bread and several containers with stuff in them to make a plate or sandwiches.
This is so Dad’s deal…I don’t know where half of this stuff comes from like the ideas but there’s.
Long thing peel slices of zucchini with the green peel on and they’re in brine from dill pickles.
Yellow zucchini done in apple cider vinegar brine but with red pepper jelly.
Parsnips sliced like that too but with caraway seeds and white wine vinegar and whole ground mustard.
And stuff like that we have peppers and tomatoes and there’s even pumpkin mixed with carrot and squash all grated into strands and stuff.
We’re big on veggies and some might be pickled or dressed up but a lot of it is raw and a lot of it is without oils and fats and stuff and the bread’s whole grain and stuff we might eat but we eat a lot of the time like this.
I make a sandwich and I pile on the veggies and lots of lettuce…I wash and toss my lettuce with a little bit of salt and pepper and that’s all of each that my sandwich will need but there’s one slice of porchetta on there and I get myself some of the cold root veggies from last night and put them in a little bowl and stuff and I head back upstairs to my room.
Homework…and noshing, listening to music and confabing on Skype with Mary Jane on some of the same stuff that we have to do and then a little nervously…okay very nervously with Emily and Rachel.
Emily is sort of got her hand over her mouth at first.
“You have boobs.”
“Uhm…same as the dance.”
“You look like…”
“Bad?” I winch, so much can still go wrong y’know.
“No…you look like your own twin sister.”
“Really, I’m not really wearing any make-up.”
“Uhm…helloooo.” She points to her head, well her head and it’s in that casual bun thing.
“Yeah, but that’s different.”
“How?”
I bite my lower lip. “Because y’know.”
“Because of the boy stuff?”
I nod.
“Hey…you’re gonna get all the stuff done right?”
“Stuff done?”
“Yeah the shots and stuff so you can start growing up right?”
“I dunno, hopefully.”
“You talk to your folks yet?”
“Yeah. I think they’re actually kinda cool with it.”
“Well I was reading about some of this transgender stuff of Tumblr and there’s like super-lots I don’t get but when the fam’s cool and behind you that always seems like a good thing….and besides….”
“Besides?”
“You got us!”
I laugh and grab my pillow and hug it. Yeah I look like a doofus but… “I sooo wish I could hug you right now!”
“Yay!”
That makes me laugh some more and then we ended up talking to each other about costumes and stuff and Halloween coming up and doing our science homework together.
I’d just got off with Emily when Rachel had Skyped me.
Another bite lip moment before I answered.
She immediately leaned back from her screen. “Steph?”
“Uhm….yes…”
“Oh cool gimmie a sec, I need my glasses.”
“You wear glasses?”
“Home, I just can’t wear contacts all the time it just makes me all eye-spoony.”
“Okaaaaay…what’s eye spoony?”
“When they’re so itchy and stuff you want to remove them with a spoon.”
“Eeew…Yick.”
“You’re such a girl.”
Oh… Oh…. (Sniffle!)
“Steph?”
“You sa…said…”
“What?…oh…well yeah, you…I mean just look at you now all verclempt because I called you a girl.”
I nod. “Because that’s awesome.”
“You know we all see you right?”
“Wha…?”
“Since the dance, we’ve been talking and stuff ever since and like looking back at stuff it fits, I mean it fits way more than the gay thing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, like when you know to look more Steph we can see you so much y’know.”
(Sniffle.) “No…?”
“It’s like we can look at a picture of Stephan and when you’re not all totally guarded like when the camera is on you we can see Steph there trying to hide her expressions.”
(Sniffle.) “Really?”
“Yes…that mask has to be so heavy.”
(Sniffle.) “Yeah…you got no idea.”
“I want one, you wanna come over?”
(Sniffle.) “What?”
“I said you wanna come over?”
“But…?”
“You look fine, you pass, just get your stuff and come over, we’ll hang and talk and watch a movie or something.”
I…I want to but oh…oh wow scary.
(Snuffle.) “Okay…Let me go ask my folks?”
“Sure, see you when you get here.”
She flickers out and I’m like sitting here thinking and hugging my pillow again for different reasons.
I’m scared.
Today was supposed to be stress free Me-day.
But…but if I’m ever to be with my friends and stuff shouldn’t their families get to know me? Used to me at least some before I come out?
Maybe see I’m just me before one of those other opinions goes around.
Deep breath…several.
Screw up my courage.
I’m going to go.
I need to take my own steps and be brave…brave enough to start being the real me.
I head downstairs. “Mom…Dad…?”
Masks Chapter 33
Chapter 33
*Before…
I’m scared.
Today was supposed to be stress free Me-day.
But…but if I’m ever to be with my friends and stuff shouldn’t their families get to know me? Used to me at least some before I come out?
Maybe see I’m just me before one of those other opinions goes around.
Deep breath…several.
Screw up my courage.
I’m going to go.
I need to take my own steps and be brave…brave enough to start being the real me.
I head downstairs. “Mom…Dad…?”
*And Now…
I look around and find them in the back kitchen.
Yeah we have a back kitchen even if it’s just a really big workbench in the back porch it’s got an bunch of hot plates and outlets and the pack porch smells of pumpkin and herbs.
Mom has bags of herbs that are like oregano and dill and summer savory on the bush but covered with brown paper bags tied upside down with white string and hanging up to dry.
It’s something her grand mum used to do back east and she is doing now.
They’re canning stuff, mostly pumpkin preserves and stuff like pumpkin chunks with cumin and brown sugar that he roasted on the grill being stuffed in jars with grilled sweet red bell pepper chunks and some dried chilies and then pickle brine.
Actually really good.
And then there’s the puree that’s sort of like pumpkin pie filing but instead of all the sweet stuff they put whole mustard seeds and dry mustard and other things to make pumpkin mustard.
It sounds strange but it’s really good with a cold cut sammy with tomatoes or like a spicy bratwurst.
It’s not just like a food thing it’s just we really barely ever throw stuff out and we really buy very few pre-made grocery things.
Dad looks at me. “Hey honey what’s going on?”
“Uhm…can you drive me over to Rachel’s?”
Mom looks at me. “Dressed like that?”
I nod.
Dad cocks an eyebrow. “That’s a big step.”
“I gotta take a step sometime right dad?”
He nods. “But before Halloween?”
I look at them both. “I have to do this with my friends at least…like before it goes and explodes all over the place.”
Mom… “I get it, you want some support before it all hits home with them.”
I nod.
She’s taking some bottles out of the boiling water already done and filled with pumpkin spears and full length carrots. “Are you sure you want to go this route honey, some people might not react like your friends and they can’t stop what their family feels or says?”
I nod…oh wow my mouth’s gone dry.
So much I never thought of…such big stuff really.
“I gotta mom…I just, it’s me…they’re my friends.” (Sniffle.) Dammit I didn’t want to get this worked up over it.
Dad wipes his hands off. “Sure, you go get ready and I’ll drive you over.”
Mom looks at dad. “Yeah we’ll both go.”
“You guys….what?”
Mom looks at me. “Parents meet each other kiddo and maybe us running interference a little will have her parents look at us as a family rather than them just judging you right off the bat and stuff.”
I think about it a little and it kind of makes sense. I mean it’s not like I’m going to say no to something…anything that might help me along through this stuff.
“Okay…Thanks you guys.” I hug them both and go upstairs and grab my book bag and my laptop and then recheck my make-up…it’s not that much just a little concealer liquid powder and lip gloss.
Deep breath.
I head downstairs and Mom and Dad are ready and I get in the van and there’s a basket of stuff there. Mom and Dad do that a lot actually with people they’re going to visit. Some baked stuff and some preserves and a bottle or three of u-vint wine.
Yeah they do that too. Dad actually is into both and while I’m too young to drink I guess brew your own costs less and stuff plus dad likes to play around.
Like the six pack he’s bringing of hard apple-pumpkin cider.
“Uhm we’re not going to a party guys.”
Mom’s like… “Well it never hurts honey, besides they’re your friend’s parents.”
“But what if they don’t drink?”
Dad’s like… “Then they can save it for company or re-gift them.”
I shake my head and just get a bit more nervous as we get there.
I gave directions and I know where Rachel’s place is from the bus and it’s just down from her stop and there’s one of those long lanes with spruce and pines on either side that actually cut it off from the street.
It’s actually a really nice yard or it is to me. The trees are all like that and they frame in the whole property and Rachel’s house is sort of in the middle with this log cabin design with a whole lot of nice windows and stuff.
It’s a sprawling sort of bungalow thing or a ranch house maybe?
I love the wrap around deck thing with the roof. We have sort of like that in the front porch home and dad converted the old car-port we had into a stone patio and grill station and the main doors for the house. But this, this goes all around their house.
It’d be really sheltered here in the winter from like the wind and stuff.
Rachel comes out to meet me and she’s just in a tee-shirt and zip front sweat shirt and track pants but her hair is still up in the quick bun.
I get out and give her a shy smile and a cheesy shrug. “Ta…dah… here I am.”
She rolls her eyes. “Yes, yes you are c’mon.”
“Uhm my folks want to meet yours Rach.”
She sticks her head inside. “Mom! Dad! Steph’s folks want to come in and play!”
I uhm…
Her mom comes into the main hall and she’s carrying a basket of laundry oh she looks like Rachel...long dark hair and faun brown eyes.
She looks me. “You’re the girl from the other night at the dance?”
“Yes Ma’am.”
“Okay then, I think meeting your folks is a good idea. Rachel how about you go and politely as them in?”
Rachel looks and me and she nods and heads down to the car in her bare feet.
I’m biting my lip because Rachel’s mom is still looking at me.
“You look nice today…”
“Thank you Ma’am it’s not much…and you can call me Stephanie.”
She’s looking at me again.
“Okay, fair enough…are your folks good with you doing this?”
Gulp.
Breathe and look her in the eyes. “Yes Ma’am.”
“Okay then.”
Rachel comes back and looks at me and then at her mom who sets down the laundry to go over and meet my folks.
“C’mon Steph, let’s go to my room.”
Her mother says. “Leave the door open.”
“Yes mom…” Rachel says plaintively.
I take my shoes off at the door before going anywhere further into the house and her mom sort of gives me a nod for that and stared at my socks I think. I mentally cringe but follow Rachel down the hall to her room and I look at her. “She doesn’t trust me?”
Rachel shakes her head. “No, just policy with all company my brothers too. Besides the one time I did close it I got into serious trouble.”
“What’d you do?”
“Toni had a lez-porno.”
“What?” I didn’t know she was.
She waves me off. “No, nothing like that but one of those super dirty girl on girl animes.”
“Where’d she get it?”
Rachel shrugged. “HellifIknow? It's Toni." Actually that kinda explains it.
She has an awesome room.
I mean really to me most girls rooms are going to be awesome but Rachel has bookshelves with like lots of hardcover and stuff and she has shelves with like all this Native American stuff on there and some stuffies and such and there’s a real like sport version bow and arrow set and lots of arrows too.
“I know this is really insensitive Rach but you’re First Nations?”
“Yeah kind of a giveaway. I’m Ardoch Band Algonquin and part Metis.”
I look at her. “I don’t know what that means.”
Rachel shrugs. “Mom’s from western Quebec and she really didn’t grow up on the Rez but it’s like our band.”
“Band?”
“Yeah there’s different bands that make up each tribe and the different tribes are part of the first nations. But It still like kinda once removed for me and all."
“Oh…so you’re not all that connected?”
“Well sort of like grand-parents and a bunch of cousins and Aunts and Uncles and stuff.”
“Cool.”
She looks at me. “Yeah kinda until I cross someone.”
I blush. “Oh…”
“Yeah there’s not a whole lot of native families around here or rather there’s not a lot of them that live in town or close to it.”
“So you get bashed on.”
Rachel nods. “Oh yeah it’s funny how one minute people are all… oh my gawd you’re like native and that’s so cool an I so get it I’m lie a wolf and stuff…” She’s tossing her head from side to side like a preppy bobble head and I kind of get it people appropriate cultural stuff because it’s “cool” all the time.
“I’ve seen that, actually I’m scared of that with me.”
“With you?”
“I do a lot of reading online and stuff.”
“So?”
“So there’s a lot of women and girls and stuff that think that I’m fake. That people like me are fake and that we’re co-opting women’s places in the world and worse…”
Rachel looks at me. “Pure spiteful bullshit. Look Steph we’re born the way we are and if that means that there’s a small bit of the population that’s sexually constructed different out of like what six billion…then odds are that’s what’s going to happen every single time. I get that all the time with people saying people like me get jobs so the place doesn't seem racist...trans, normal it all should just be like...merit."
I smile a little. “I thought that you were going to talk about all the two spirited people and stuff.”
“Nope, though I know there’s like tons of stuff on that it’s just not something that I’m into.”
“Oh…sorry, so you’re into?”
“Books and stuff I like archeological fiction and stuff like that but I like some stuff from first nationsey sort of stuff.”
“Like what?”
“The art, I love totem prints and carvings and stuff and buckskin work and native music.”
“Oh like the chanting and stuff?”
“No kinda like Redbone and Blackfoot and Aaron Peter’s stuff like that.”
I give her a helpless look. “I have no clue, I listen to girly music.”
“So do I but I’m more of a rock and metal head but I have some other stuff too.”
She actually looks through a pile of CD’s in a milk crate and puts one on and okay…it’s Avril and her Best Damn Thing album and it takes about all of three or four seconds of both of us listening to the beats before Rach takes her hair down and my back pack and tosses it on her bed and we both start dancing and girrrl rocking out and singing along to *Hot* it’s a girl head banger song sung by a girl and now that’s why she sells so much music.
And we’re just two teenaged girls hanging out and dancing and jumping around likely too hard and sing screaming along and well it’s *Hot* so at one point I’m air drumming along.
There’s a grin between us as the song fades and Rachel comes over and she gives me a hug. “Boy my ass, you wanna go out back and shoot some arrows?”
“Really?”
“Yeah, c’mon Everdeen.”
I blush and smile. “Not likely she’s amazing looking.”
“She’s not a teenager so yeah she has some puberty ahead of us and not to mention like trainers and a staff of make me pretties.”
“Okay true, so how’d you get into the bow?”
“It was a re-gift. My cousin Shane lived with us awhile and he couldn’t take it with him when he went into the forces so he gave it to me. I goofed around with it and dad said I was good so he started me in competition shooting.”
“I was gonna say we don’t do that in school.”
“Nope, it’s really rare and like only a few schools even do it and stuff so it’s all sort of individual stuff.”
“So do you hunt with it?”
“Not here but I’ve got a hunting bow at my grandfathers and we sometimes go out when we go and visit.”
“Oh you get anything?”
“Nope, I almost got a deer a few years back but I was too small to get a really steady grip on the bow and stuff. But I’m a pretty good fisherman.”
“Really, I’ve never hunted or fished. Dad doesn’t go that much.”
“Really your dad builds boats?”
I nod. “Likely why. I think he actually did like on the fishing boat fishing as a kids and stuff he’s from down east.”
She nods and she shows me how to put on the arm guard and the grip and then how to sling the bandolier with the hip quiver. It’s…I’ll never really look the same way at the fantasy stuff again.
Wow…oh wow is it ever fun and boy oh boy do I ever suck.
Which is another cool thing about being me is the fact I don’t have to bravado myself through things.
But shooting a bow is all awesomely cool and stuff.
I mean I’m Katness, Merida, Artemis and Kagome…I get to make believe a little and it’s cool as hell.
Okay we get to make believe a bit too as we kinda just role-play and talk ourselves through scenes for these characters and stuff. Hey we're thirteen and it's fun.
Rachel even admits to playing Moonstar the x-men girl with the bow and even Turok who is a native guy but he uses a bow and stuff to hunt dinosaurs.
A girl playing and pretending to be a male character is….
Rachel’s looking at me. “Do girls do that a lot?”
“What?”
“Play and pretend that they’re like male characters?”
“No, not really but I’m more into the heroes are people thing and stuff more that this hero or heroine is for this gender or that gender besides there’s not a whole lot of female heroes that I’m into and stuff outside of like books and novels.”
“Yeah if it’s not in heavy print you don’t really see them unless they’re babed over in like comics and movies and videogames.”
Rachel looks at me. “You too huh, I guess you really don’t identify with the whole male heroes and stuff.”
“Some…just because I’m a geekette and stuff but I’ve never really been able to just close my eyes and pretend and stuff.”
“So get that. But I could never be a Barbie-girl.”
I look at her. “I kinda like Barbie I mean I’ve never really played with them so it’s been one of those things that’s always been a from afar kind of thing for me...y'know guyboden."
Rachel nods but makes a face as she squares up to shoot again. “If they made an Ellen Ripley Barbie then yeah maybe.”
“Ellen Ripley?”
“Alien…Aliens…y’know Ripley.”
I shrug and I have no idea what she’s taking about.
“You’ve never seen…”
She grabs my hand and she hauls me inside and we quickly put her archery stuff away and she grins at me. “I can’t believe you’ve never seem it.”
“It’s scary right…” I almost cringe. “I kind of have heard about it but I just kind of figured it was like one of those guy things like Starship Troopers that the twins were into.”
She’s actually excited. “No, no, no, no…it’s so much more than that.”
…………………………… The first one was okay…really old and the effects were cheesy but the story was okay and yes it was scary. The android and the alien and just…oh wow.
Mom and her mom and the two dad’s come and join us for the second one and apparently we’re staying for supper and I eat friend chicken with an apple cider drink to go with it and sweet potato fries.
Okay the fries are good and Rach’s right they’re really good dipped in a mayo and stone ground mustard mix.
We’re likely stealing that it’s actually so good and the cider’s hot and a good change from pop.
And then there’s the second movie.
I’m so invested right from the start and the clean and real sci-fi way that it starts regardless of it being so old is just.
Bishop gave me goosebumps of creepy sorta…I got android off him just as much as Data from Star Trek.
And Omigod Hicks…and that kinda sort of flirting…yay?
But Ripley…Oh my goddess she kicks butt…and then it’s getting more and more intense and then there’s this whole thing when she’s on the ship and the queen’s on the ship and the walking forklift thing and I’m with Mom and Rachel and her mom as all the women are yelling out along with her at the screen.
“Get away from her, you BITCH!”
Best Movie Heroine EVER!!!
Masks Chapter 34
Chapter 34
*Before…
And Omigod Hicks…and that kinda sort of flirting…yay?
But Ripley…Oh my goddess she kicks butt…and then it’s getting more and more intense and then there’s this whole thing when she’s on the ship and the queen’s on the ship and the walking forklift thing and I’m with Mom and Rachel and her mom as all the women are yelling out along with her at the screen.
“Get away from her, you BITCH!”
Best Movie Heroine EVER!!!
*And Now…
It was late I mean sort of late for a school night and stuff by the time we got home from Rachel’s place. Mom and her mom sort of hit it off with this sort of artist and sisterhood kind of thing and actually doing the dishes with Rachel I heard mom and her talking about girls and stuff like me and Rachel and stuff. It was more about positive female role models than about my transgendered stuff.
I think maybe that they had that talk while Rachel and I were hanging out outside and shooting the bow.
It was still as really good day and stuff…I got to be me, I got to settle stuff with a friend and even her folks. I mean all in all it’s a really good day and maybe getting some headway in the whole crapoo blizzard that’ll likely come once I’m out.
And with a bonus Rachel and I did get stuff done homework wise and stuff.
Y’know there’s a certain level of strut you have when you have all your stuff together and everything.
We get home and I hug Mom and Dad before heading upstairs. “Thanks you guys. It was so cool of you guys coming and stuff and talking to Rachel’s parents and stuff.”
Dad hugs me really hard. “It was a pleasure kiddo they’re nice folks but it’s also our jobs too. You’re going to have a lot on your plate the rest of your life let us handle the adult stuff for now okay?”
I bury my face into his chest and snuggle some. I’m so not a guy but it doesn’t mean the guys that I know aren’t good guys and stuff. “Deal daddy.”
He hugs me in a last big squeeze and I hug mom again after that and I go to my room.
I really don’t want to do it but I start getting my Steven wear out for tomorrow.
It’s funny in that odd-funny and not the ha-ha-funny that the urrpy-bad-butterflies I was feeling starting all this and being Stephanie is now reversed and I have that kind of urrpy feeling at looking at my Steven stuff and knowing I have to do this again.
This Saturday cannot come fast enough for good or for bad.
After Halloween I can be myself.
Ooooh there’s this whole lump of dread there along with the whole bunch of excitement and stuff and I set everything aside and then I head down the hall to Will and Rob’s room.
Oomph…I can smell the mixture of teenage boy funk and sweaty sneakers and Axe body Spray and Right Guard from like six feet from the door and it’s just…Yick…Really, I mean really can they not smell that?
Apparently not.
I knock. I’m going to be a polite sister at least.
Will opens the door and he’s eating something and sort of doing that cow chewing thing.
“Wassup?”
Mental eye roll soo fake street…I know we’re sort of good and stuff but they are still the twins and still teen guys and brothers and therefore kinda gross.
“You mind if I commandeer the bathroom?”
“Not as long as you clean it up after.”
Clean it up…what? Does he?
Will… “I mean sometimes lately you leave it with all that girly frou-frou stinking stuff around and it’s like gross.”
“It’s gross….?”
“Yeah it’s like Barbie took a shit in there and she exploded.”
Eeeeeeeeew effing guys.
“Will have you ever been in there after you two have been in there?”
“Yeah so?”
“Will… Axe is deodorant a little goes a long way it’s not spray on sunscreen.”
“Hey…I don’t use that much!”
“Bro…You make the Middle eastern kids gag on the stuff.”
Okay…I’m not being racist or I’m trying not to but some Arabic and Middle Eastern kids wear a lot of cologne and perfume just like some of the East Indian kids too. It’s part cultural and stuff but part of it’s like diet and stuff…it’s different with the kids that are like that from here but we have immigrant kids too and they like kinda bathe in the stuff.
It’s true…like sorry.
But I’m not joking about the Axe and Will and Rob and some of the other guys.
It’s got to be the Testosterone.
The blood rushing from one head to the other is apparently coming from the nose and killing their sense of smell.
Maybe taste too.
I’ve seen teen guys eat some very dubious looking stuff.
I look at Will and he looks at me. “Okay, okay fine but try and not to girl it up too much.”
I nod. “It won’t last even if I do Will; I gotta go back to faking it tomorrow.”
He looks at me again and he sorta nods. “Is it really that bad?”
I look him straight in the eyes. “Will you know me and you know me as Steven so who’s the real one?”
He gives me this serious look back and he’s actually thinking about it. It takes a few of those up front with someone serious and painfully long minutes but he nods and he gives me a hug. “You…honestly Steph I don’t really get it but I can tell that you’re a lot more like genuinely you than before and all. I’d rather you just be like you and stuff.”
*Sniffle.* “Thanks.”
“Hey don’t thank me, you’re actually a lot easier to take like this you’re nicer and stuff.”
“Yeah…well it’s easier when you can be yourself and not feeling like you’re suffocating.”
“Suffocating?”
“It’s like wearing a mask Will, a mask I never asked for and no one see’s the real me and no one can hear my real voice and sometimes even in the mirror I can’t even see her even though I know she’s there…that I’m there under the mask I have to wear.”
Will nods and he actually hugs me.
“You got us okay Kim.”
“Kim?”
I hear Rob from inside their bedroom. “Hicka-bicka-boo sis.”
Aaaaw… Their my twin brothers and I’m their Kim Possible…it’s kinda sweet and kinda cool too since even though it’s an older cartoon Kim has been one of my cartoon role models.
*Sniffle* “You guys actually kind of rock.”
Rob from in the room. “Naturally!”
I laugh and give Will another squeeze back before heading off to commandeer the bathroom.
And I’m singing the theme song for Kim Possible in my head because it’s actually kinda catchy and stuff. That’s actually all right because it’s me time and the last few dwindling moments of it before tomorrow starts.
I scrub out the tube before doing anything else. I just gotta because I just kinda feels eeew to not to. I guess it’s just a thing of mine I know some people won’t bother and well my brothers are kinda shower guys but still.
And it’s a tub and shower enclosure so…I mean they’re teen guys…I’m so glad I don’t own a UV light.
Yick…
I get the water good and hot before I add in the bath beads and slowly let the tub fill while I get undressed and take my breast forms off and I’m actually trying really hard to not focus on that part.
It’s nothing I ever wanted, it’s in the way it hangs and flops and it’s ugly too…it looks wrong on me so much that it hurts and just the few glances I catch of my reflection in the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door is just….
“How the hell am I going to do years of this?”
A few tears slip down and I climb into the bath wincing at the heat but glad for it too.
I hate this, I hate being transgender because it can just hit you out of the blue. I was in such a good mood just minutes ago and then I see IT and Whammo a dys-flash attack.
It’s like getting emotionally mugged only it’s all inside of you and you look at the you that’s never been you and you wonder why?
It takes a while for me to shake it off.
It takes practice to do that y’know, part of it is living stealth you bottle it up and you hide the real pain because most people won’t get it, some won’t want to get it and will be assholes if they knew and then there’s that whole thing…
That obsession with having to be okay.
You have to be okay, have to be happy and well-adjusted and wear that mask like its privilege.
So you hide it and you keep keeping on.
Soaping actually takes my mind off of it. A bar of Dove right out of the package and I let it just sit in the hot water a little before using it and it’s so soft then it is easy to really sort of coat myself and I get a little lost in the way it feels doing my legs. Oddly therapeutic…and I need that.
Another joy of being Trans, you are so messed up and hurting and questioning things that you actually pretty much know that you need therapy of some kind.
Being a transgender person does not make you broken; living while being a transgender person breaks you sometimes in a whole lot of ways.
Once I’m soapy I sit in the hot water until the soap sort of melts off of me and I try to relax while I’m just there sort of sleeping, sort of meditating? I actually don’t know how to meditate but I’m just clearing my head.
Tuck myself like the woman from Trans-America did in the bath.
Yeah I know she’s a real girl and stuff but still…as much as there should be trans-people playing Trans people it was kind of a big mainstream thing. Kind of like Boys Don’t Cry.
Yeah I know there’s content and stuff but I watched them on You Tube.
I sink under the water like she did and a lot of people I see on movies or TV do and I just sort of let the heat take me. Soap and hot water and just time to myself and it helps, it helps me fight out of the funk and with a gasp of air and then a deep inhale and a sigh I start washing and getting out before I’m all pruney.
I get dressed in my panties and PJ’s and I brush my teeth and I head to bed.
………………………………… Morning comes way, way too early. Oh wow I just love my bed and sleeping like this…it just seems to have this really nice ability to let me sleep as myself at least.
Sleep’s a big deal if you’re like me.
It’s hard to turn your brain off when you’re Trans.
Go to you drop, stay way too busy stay up too much…insomnia…how much gets lost by not sleeping in a place that’s yours? As much as not being able to be you I think.
I hug my pillows thankfully and bury my face as I shut down my alarm clock.
Time to get up and time for Steven.
Okay….it took longer than I thought it would just getting dressed the wrong way and everything. Not hurtful, not yet but it was hard. I had to force it after this weekend, after yesterday.
I look in the mirror and he’s there and he’s just not…I take a breath and shift my weight and adjust my posture and stuff and yeah…It’s not me.
I take out a sheet of paper from my note pad in my drawer and some tape and I draw a 6 on it.
Six days…counting today sic days before I’m taking of the mask and being done with all of it.
I head down stairs and I can smell breakfast bacon cooking and I see a pair of M.J.’s styling calf high boots at the door and I smile.
I actually really missed her yesterday.
And she’s here first thing and she’s not a morning person so she’s here for support.
I really love her for that.
Okay maybe today’s going to be alright….I cross my fingers and then head into the kitchen.
Masks Chapter 25
Chapter 35
*Before…
I look in the mirror and he’s there and he’s just not…I take a breath and shift my weight and adjust my posture and stuff and yeah…It’s not me.
I take out a sheet of paper from my note pad in my drawer and some tape and I draw a 6 on it.
Six days…counting today six days before I’m taking of the mask and being done with all of it.
I head down stairs and I can smell breakfast bacon cooking and I see a pair of M.J.’s styling calf high boots at the door and I smile.
I actually really missed her yesterday.
And she’s here first thing and she’s not a morning person so she’s here for support.
I really love her for that.
Okay maybe today’s going to be alright….I cross my fingers and then head into the kitchen.
*And Now…
I smile as I see her it’s a little achy inside because she’s just so…She’s so Mary Jane and awesome that she’s making me really feel things again.
I mean she has that body which I know is like a pain and stuff for her a lot of the time but at the same time she has her hair in this seriously shiny cool looking fall and it’s all straight and add that with a great touch of make-up and this really sweet sweater which of course gives her sweater boobs.
I am so far away from sweater boobs it’s almost a joke really. And the rest of her outfit is just as awesome really with these rust colored cords that just offset the brown of her sweater and still sort of play well with her hair and then well I mentioned her cool boots.
Sigh…
I go over and I hug her and she hugs me back and she looks at me. “You okay?”
“Yeah, it’s first day back blahs.”
We separate and she passes me a coffee and I take a grateful sip and mom just kind of looks at me and she shakes her head. “You’re too young to like coffee that much.”
I take another. “It’s not and energy drink and it’s not pop.”
“True but there’s caffeine in it.”
“I certainly hope so.”
“Stephanie…” She’s looking at me and I’m smiling because she’s doing that mom correcting thing but she used my real name and she did it right off the bat.
“Mom…” I grin at her.
M.J. Snickers and mom sets down some pancakes. I like pancakes and mom does those small but thick and really fluffy ones and I add just enough syrup to mine to taste while Mary Jane pours it out in like a flood.
“Whoa…sugar much?”
“I haven’t had real maple syrup since before we moved out west.”
“What? Why not?”
“Mom doesn’t like it.”
I look at my mom who’s chuckling. “She doesn’t eat sausage either.”
I start eating. “There’s a story behind that?”
“Maybe.” She grins.
I roll my eyes and gesture to M.J. with my fork. “That means it’s something juicy or something and she doesn’t want to tell us just tease us with it.”
“Maybe.” She grins again.
We actually have a bit of a laugh at that and I forgo seconds after my two to get my lunch together and I grab some arugula and a pear which I slice up and then cut into strips and some other stuff and make a salad and add some of the pumpkin bits that have been spiced and candied to it and some walnuts and I make it plenty big too in case some of the girls want some of it. Then it’s a couple of bottles of water and I fill my travel mug with coffee and get my things and Mom comes over and she gives me a hug as M.J.’s getting her stuff and her boots on.
“You going to be okay?”
“Maybe.” I give her a bit of a grin.
“Honey…”
“Mom, I have to be don’t I?”
She gives me this super serious but really heartful look. “Absolutely not. You and how you feel and how you deal is more important than classes.”
I hug her really tightly. “I’ll deal, I’ll deal and maybe it won’t be so bad who knows.”
“I’m proud of you kiddo, you’re really brave.”
“Thanks Mom, I got it from you.”
“Me?’
“Yeah you and dad, you’re both all kind of brave to be good with me being this way I mean people will talk and stuff.”
“Well to hell with people, You’re my daughter let them try and talk smack about you.”
I tighten the hug. “I gotta go before you make me cry and I don’t want to go to school all blotchy and red and stuff.”
“That’s my girl.”
I grin and head into the foyer and meet up with M.J. who passes me a tissue once we’re outside and headed away from the house taking the paths. “Thanks.”
“Yeah well I heard you and your mom and her being all sorts of awesome and figured you’d girl out and cry some anyways.”
“Uh-huh she really is kinda my hero.”
“Well hopefully the fit won’t hit the shan and things will be okay today.”
“Yeah…the dance and stuff…”
“Yep.” She reaches over and hooks pinkies with me and we get to the bus stop and wait. It’s kind of nice jerk-wads not there but some of the girls are.
“Where’s Yick?”
Emily looks at me. “Suspended for a couple of days for that stuff in gym I guess.”
I nod and we drink some of our coffee and Emily’s still looking at me.
“What?” Okay I’m nervous, the weekend could have given some of them time to think and sometimes people that were supposed to good with it change their minds.
“You look weird.”
(Gulp) “W..what?”
“You look weird, I mean I know it’s like just me and like stuff but like after the dance and like stuff you like kinda…”
Yes, it’s Emily and she’s one of those girls that says the stuff that teenagers sometimes say…but I ignore the barrage of Likes and…
“Kinda what?” Wow, I’m…I’m almost afraid to ask.
“Well you kinda look like when a girl that like y’know goes like all crisis butch and stuff and she like dresses down and cuts like all her hair off.”
Blink, blink, blink…
I stop and look my clothes over and I’m wearing full on normal Steven-wear.
But a couple of the girls are sort of looking at me and nodding. They’re not really in the sort of circle we have going but some of them are nodding.
Anna Holmes says… “Yeah like no offense Steven but after you’re Cinderella thing at the dance and stuff and all that and seeing you know and stuff you don’t really come across as like the gay dude…more like a baby-dyke.”
“Anna!” I sort of squeak and I turn red. Okay it’s not the gay thing but it sort of is?
I mean, am I really passing as a girl?
Even though it’s sort of a kinda butch girl lez look?
I think that they think that they’re sort of having fun with it and there’s some giggling and stuff and Emily looks at me with her eyes wide and she has that oh crap look and she mouths to me as we’re getting on the bus. “Shit sorry I like effed up huh?”
“No…we’re good, it’s just I’m not out yet.” I say quietly to her as M.J. and I take our seat and she sits close to us.
Mary Jane’s looking at me and she snerks.
“What?”
“Nope.” She's giggling.
“Wadda ya mean nope, what’s so funny!?”
“Nope, not telling until the others are here.”
I’m tempted to grab her and like tickle it out of her and stuff but that’s not really something that I can like do really as Steven so I shoot her a miffed look and I sort of pout as we go through the different stops and we pick up the other kids and soon Rachel and Amanda and Amber are there and we make room for Toni too.
And then I’m blushing as M.J. and Emily are recapping everything and they’re looking at me and studying me and now that I have cover I reach over and give M.J. a pinch.
“Ow!”
“What dammit tell me?”
It takes a few more and a set of wriggling fingers into her side and she squeals really loud and bursts out laughing.
“Fuck! No, no, no…okay! Okay! Stop it Ellen!”
Ellen?... “Ellen?”
“Yes!!! Now stop it or I’ll pee!”
I stop but we’re all laughing and stuff and it’s pretty awesome to do that and yeah some of the other kids are on the bus are doing the whisper thing and stuff like me in a dress at the dance and me being gay and stuff…not like hateful but that kids talk and stuff.
Hey as long as it’s like just chatter gossip and stuff and not mean it’s okay. I mean it’s not like I can remotely change or stop them from doing it.
I wipe my eyes and look at the girls and I hold my chin up. “Hey I’ll happily be Ellen DeGeneres.”
Rachel looks at me. “Really with like the whole lesbian thing and everything?”
I nod, I sorta mean it but actually I’m not sure on the lesbian thing for real but to actually be a real girl plus…
“Okay…look she smart, she’s funny and she’s rich but also have you seen her wife?”
There’s a few chuckles but one of the non-group girls close by asks. “But I thought you’re gay?”
“Gay, straight, bi, lesbian you just got to admit by anyone’s standards that Portia is a seriously beautiful woman.” I say looking at them.
There’s some nods and stuff from them and my friends and the rest of the bus ride is actually us all talking about the TV show.
Situation handled and everything’s cool.
Until we get off the bus and head into school and I’m getting a whole bunch of looks and stares and glares from a few of the nasty kids and I see the principal and some of the others at my locker and there’s scrawls on it in black permanent marker with “faggot”, “assmonkey”, “tranny”, “froot”, “cocksucker” and even a “you’re dead”, “get off the team” and “watch your back” written on it.
Honestly I was expecting this…part of me really did and I walk over to where they are and I look at the principal. “Am I in trouble?”
“No, no but if you want to call your parents and go home…”
“Do I have to?”
He looks surprised. “No…no not at all, but I do have to call your parents and you should come to the office until they show.”
“I’d rather just go to class sir.”
“Okay…well we’ll send for you then?”
I nod and look at the locker. “Do you need that still on there?”
“No, not unless you or your parents want us to call the police.”
I shake my head no. “It’s school, I don’t fit the binary…unless they actually do anything then they’re just being assholes.”
“Steven…language.”
“Sorry sir. But can I remove it?”
“Alright we do have pictures of it. But just so you know we’re taking this more seriously than you are. Bullying is a serious matter.”
I nod. “Totally it’s bad stuff it kills people even but it’s not going to stop me from being me.”
He looks shocked and he looks like he wants to talk more and also he’s sharing looks with the guidance counselor and stuff.
“Uhm…well…I will see you when your parents get here.”
“Okay sir.”
They leave and I turn around and all my girls and some of my other friends are still there hanging out and stuff and so are some of the guys on the team.
Toni passes me some tissues and a bottle of nail polish remover. “Here this worked the best when it happened to my locker.”
She’s not shouting but she’s strongly saying it and she’s doing it in this whole tough proud thing even if she’s this short little Loli-girl.
I nod, I do the same as her and mentally shift my big girl panties in place and take the stuff and start wiping away the hate stuff like it’s nothing, like it means nothing.
I think this is the right thing to do.
Masks Chapter 36
Chapter 36
*Before…
Toni passes me some tissues and a bottle of nail polish remover. “Here this worked the best when it happened to my locker.”
She’s not shouting but she’s strongly saying it and she’s doing it in this whole tough proud thing even if she’s this short little Loli-girl.
I nod, I do the same as her and mentally shift my big girl panties in place and take the stuff and start wiping away the hate stuff like it’s nothing, like it means nothing.
I think this is the right thing to do.
*And Now…
I getting the locker cleared off and I’m still sort of with my friends some of the kids that I just sort of know and just kind of just plain like me for me and stuff and there’s a few guys from the team and stuff too and Randy’s there and he looks pissed and he comes over grabbing one of the plastic garbage cans for me to toss the tissues into.
“It’s not true.”
“What’s not true?”
“No one on the team feels like that.”
“Randy…I’m pretty sure that some of the guys aren’t cool with it.”
“No one’s said.”
“They likely wouldn’t.”
“We had a meeting.”
Oh…and it wasn’t one that I was invited to.
“You’re telling me this why? I mean you guys never invited me.”
“It happened the night of the dance, and you were kind of dressed…”
“Oh…well I can sort of see the point of me maybe weirding people out if I was still in costume and you were talking about that…me and stuff.”
“Well we never planned it actually Nick brought it up.”
I look at him.
No, he doesn’t know Nick’s other thing.
“So…what’d he say?”
“His dad’s having a fit about it and stuff.”
“And the other parents?”
“Don’t know but we’ll find out I guess next practice.”
“Randy…?”
He looks at me and he’s really a nice guy he’s not changed a whole lot in attitude and stuff since all of this started. “Yeah?”
“Thanks.”
“No problem everyone’s like different right?”
I smile and nod and let him go to his stuff and I sigh and look at M.J. who passes me my book bag. “Less than a week.” She smiles trying to give me the whole it gets better smile.
(Sigh) “Yeah…less than a week.”
She takes my pinky and we head off down the halls together or at least until we get to our separate classrooms. And there are stares and there’s a few whispers from the people that were doing it before after the whole me “being gay” thing and now it’s about the dance and stuff.
But there’s a few looks that aren’t so bad?
I mean there’s actually a few people and yeah mostly girls that are actually friendly about it and stuff and I hug M.J. because I’m a gay guy and we hug everyone right? Then I head into homeroom and get my seat and Sally Bridges actually plonks down before registration starts and she’s like one of the pretty and popular girls and she’s right in there for the cheer team and stuff and kinda not the brightest of people sometimes she has a actually nice personality or she always seems to.
She kinda more the basketball cheerleader crowd and stuff and she has a body that I’ve watched more than a few times and ached over not being like. Tall with long legs and nice boobs…not M.J. level yet but above average for our grade and of course blonde haired and blue eyes.
She grins at me and I’m a little nervous because it’s not the way she’s ever treated me before.
“I loved your costume.”
“Uhm…thanks really?”
“Seriously, it was cool for one and it looked like a whole lot of work.”
“It was but my mom helped a lot and stuff too.”
“Seriously Stephen I couldn’t tell that it was like you I mean you were like soooo pretty.”
I blush… “Uhm thanks.”
“So do you like do that a lot?”
“Do what?”
“Like dress up like a girl?”
“Uhm…sometimes.”
“Cool.”
“Cool?”
“Yeah, I mean you’re like kind of really cool for like doing this and stuff and brave.”
“Brave? I don’t really feel brave….I’m just out…I sort of feel scared…they hit my locker this morning.”
She actually frowns. “I bet it was a bunch of mouth breathing dickweeds.”
Okay…okay I snort. You actually really don’t hear someone use Dickweed like a swear any more.
“You’re being like pretty cool about this and stuff.”
Sally smiles and she hugs me. “I dunno, I just kinda don’t like seeing people getting dissed for being who they are and stuff so I like just wanted to like come over and let you know it’s like cool with me and stuff.”
I…I hug her back. “Thanks…you know that really helps after this whole thing this morning and stuff.”
She smiles and she heads off back to her friends and stuff and I’m smiling a little.
That was like good right?
I mean she didn’t freak and she’s kind of open about me and the dance stuff.
Wait…did I just become her fashionably gay friend accessory?
I’ll have to think about that one.
I see Elizabeth come in with her little entourage and I’m kind of instantly irritated because she’s like talking and loudly talking about how cool it was that they went to Toronto for the weekend and got the heck out of here and away from all the boring stuff that was like going on and stuff.
Of course they’re just in under the bell and they’re drinking their Starbuck’s coffees and showing them off and their clothes too…shopping…they definitely went shopping. I know most of the stuff the girls have or wear like just because y’know and this stuff is like new.
And y’know that just Whomps.
She gets in trouble here and she doesn’t get to go to the dance and what happens?
Her parents go to Toronto with her and her little for a shopping weekend.
How’s that fair?
She’s all laughs and smiles until she sees me and then she’s sort of staring at me …kinda like hate staring and two of her little pets are whispering and clucking in her ears and stuff and one takes out her phone and she’s showing her something and then she’s definitely staring at me.
And her jaw’s clenched.
Then the teacher comes in and we start with the stuff for the day and Elizabeth is still.
All through the first two periods I can feel her staring at the back of my head and it’s bugging me.
I can’t wait for recess/morning break to get out of there and I leave before there’s another spill scene and I head for the cafeteria to meet up With Mary Jane and our friends.
She looks like she’s had a morning and a half too and I meet up with her in the hall and we walk together and I look at her and she’s looking at we both break into grins as we stereo ask the other.
“Are you okay?”
And that helps because we’re like laughing and stuff.
Then we get to the caf and see the girls there with a table space already and Amber holds up a coffee my way and since I see her with one already I think she got one for me.
I go over and she passes one to me and Rachel has one for M.J. and we just start to take our sips when we see Elizabeth breeze in with her entourage all the way over to the outside doors of the cafeteria and she’s meets a cab that’s there with “her order.”
Even though she’s been told not to.
I shake my head.
M.J.’s like. “Unbelievable…”
And then it kinda starts…my mask is on tight but it’s not tight enough that I can keep the bitching in when Emily starts talking about her new clothes.
Amber… “What!?”
Amanda… “Wait…wait I thought she was like on suspension or something and couldn’t come to the dance?”
And I’m like. “No…it’s Liz, she gets to do whatever she wants right? I mean no matter what she does to someone else and stuff.”
Rachel’s shaking her head. “Seriously…she gets in trouble and she’s not grounded?”
And I’m like. “Oh…oh no, she gets taken to go shopping with her friends to Toronto for the weekend…”
I’m honestly mad and stuff and so are the others too because she was literally being a bitch and getting into trouble because of it and instead of being punished she gets this?
Why the hell does evil so-and-so’s like her get to just do whatever they want because they have like sooo much money?
And she’s like flaunting that and the coffee delivery and stuff and of course she bought some for her and her entourage and a few more people that are like sort of those fish that follow sharks and eat like their scraps and stuff…and she got snacks too and I hear her bragging about getting like pizza for lunch.
Unbelievable…
Then it’s the bell and we head off to class as a group but my group like is sort of running into her group…
And I get to hear…”Faggot.”
“Tranny.”
“Fruit.”
“Freak.”
They’re all doing that loud enough for me and the others to hear and not loud enough for like the teachers to hear and I’m clenching my jaw to like that headachy thing because…I’m not gonna cry…and I’m not going to lash out and…she’s just being a bitch…just…a.
Then Toni’s like just out of the blue. “Omigawd! Lizzie you look effin awesome hawt a bunch of my dyke friends have the exact same outfits! Yay you came out!”
And she kinda shout-said it gleefully too.
Liz stops dead in her tracks and she looks like someone shit in her coffee and she has a mouthful of it.
Her two little friends too…like totally stunned.
I can’t help it, I really can’t.
I laugh with the girls and we walk away shouting. “Congratulations!”
“Happy coming out!”
“I’ll see you at the meetings!” Toni… “I’ll bring your toaster!”
We leave heading for class and I sneak a look back and Elizabeth just threw her Starbucks coffee in a huge splash all over the hallway wall and she’d be coming for us or at us if it wasn’t for two teacher’s bee lining it to see what’s going on.
Yeah my mask’s still on pretty tight and I might still be Stephen but I’m really Stephanie…and Stephanie's tired of getting stepped on already.
Has anyone ever came out and not taken huge amounts of bullshit?
Maybe, Maybe I’m going to find out.
Masks Chapter 37
Chapter 37
*Before…
We leave heading for class and I sneak a look back and Elizabeth just threw her Starbucks coffee in a huge splash all over the hallway wall and she’d be coming for us or at us if it wasn’t for two teacher’s bee lining it to see what’s going on.
Yeah my mask’s still on pretty tight and I might still be Stephen but I’m really Stephanie…and Stephanie's tired of getting stepped on already.
Has anyone ever came out and not taken huge amounts of bullshit?
Maybe, Maybe I’m going to find out.
*And Now…
We get around the corner and I burst out snaughling as Toni does this very, very animated victory dance with her arms and legs going like crazy and then a little robot and then some moonwalk.
Yes, I’m not that young that I don’t know what that is.
We burst of a few more times with the laughs and stuff heading off to our classes and I’m getting a few hugs from each of them as those of us that have to go off to our separate ways do and stuff. I mean it’s not like real high school and stuff but there’s like three homerooms for our grade and there’s a whole bunch of teachers that do the different subjects and all so it’s like sort of the same.
Prep for the real thing in high school I guess.
I don’t mind math class though I’m no whizz at it and stuff and I’d have to say that I’m average and computing class is pretty good too and a lot of that’s typing and learning stuff with like search engines and word processors and some art programs and stuff like cropping pictures and all the stuff that people these days would expect you to do and stuff.
Again I think that this is a lot of prep for later on and stuff in high school and like college later or community college and stuff.
Wood shop is next and that’s actually a shop that I don’t mind really though hopefully after next semester and stuff I can switch over to domestic arts. It’s a lot of basic projects and stuff here though with things that are pretty easy to do like spice racks and gun racks and stuff.
Me I did a spice rack with like three little shelves in it so there’s lots of room and that’s actually going in my room. Sugar and spice and everything nice I’m gonna use it to put my makeup bottle and nail polishes and stuff.
Well it’s a good idea I think at least and I can paint it up to match me room and stuff so it’ll match stuff. I sort of grin at the thought of what my shop teacher’s going to think when I girl it up.
After that is gym and I don’t get my things instead I get my note and I walk up to the gym teacher and pass him the note in the envelope that I got from Mom and Dad. He takes it and he looks at me and he reads it and his eyebrows go up a little bit and he looks at me.
“You don’t look sick.”
“I’m not but I have a medical condition.”
“And that is?”
“Between myself and my doctor once I see them.”
“Stephen…” adult warning voice.
I hold my hands up. “Look I’m serious and my folks are serious too that’s why they put their numbers on there and stuff.”
He looks at the note again and he sighs. “Okay get your books and go sit on the bleachers.” He doesn’t sound overly pleased.
I climb up the bleachers until I’m actually at the top and can put my back to the wall and it’s more comfortable and I kind of like the heights too, up here and kind of away from some of the other non-sporties.
And that’s another reason that I went up here. I’m a sportie, well I’m supposed to be a sportie and that earns me some evil looks for some of the kids that aren’t doing gym class for one reason or another usually medical and stuff. But I’m kinda sorts not popular with that kind of crowd. It’s nothing that I’ve done that I know of it’s just there are some kids that really have the wrong idea.
I get though that that idea’s not hard to get wrong, like with my family and us being pretty well off as families go around here and I’m on a sports team and stuff like theat.
From the outside I look like the rich jock or little baby-jock. I’m still nowhere as big as I could be…and yeah that’s on purpose too…I don’t care how smashed up I get into the boards I’m not bulking up…cardio and that’s it.
Just the thought gives me the almost shivers with from a little dysphoria tremor. Seriously this can’t stop fast enough sometimes I can’t wait to have this stop as soo as I possibly can. I take a few minutes and close my eyes and do a little breathe it out and I look down and I watch the girls doing their thing and that’s the stretches and warm ups and looking…well the way that they do and it’s not like I want to be in their pants…well not like that way…I mean I’ve got more pressing things on my mind and stuff that figuring out my sexual stuff.
Actually I’m doing one of the things that I do all the time when I watch girls and that’s picturing myself like one of them. Like how I’d like have turned out and stuff given if I was actually born the right way and stuff…it’s kinda good to think about and it’s kinda bad to think about because a lot of the time it just would leave me with this whole hollow ache inside and the overwhelming knowledge of that…they’re not me.
But I’m up here now and in the bleachers and that’s like altogether different and stuff since that actually means that Dad and Mom gave them that note getting me out of gym and much more importantly the boy’s changing room.
Just Yick, Yick, Yick, Yick…
Even if I ever was going to be into boys there’s that whole thing about not wanting to know somethings y’know?
I watch the girls as they get together and stuff and they’re doing volleyball since we’re not using the playing field for some reason and the guys are doing basketball or half-court basketball but I’m not so much interested in that. I’m self-shopping again and stuff.
Amber or her sister Amanda both are my friends but they’re my closest two matches. Shoulder length hair and good skin, light tans and their just getting into that past beginner stage of breast growth and likely going to be like B or C-cups by the time that they’re done and stuff…not too short and not too tall…they’re kind of average looking but not either. They’re both def lookers.
I’m not so sure how I feel about that though. Yeah I’d like to be pretty it’s like only natural and stuff I guess but at the same time a whole lot of bullshit and competition comes with that and that’s just from other girls.
Guys would be a combination of scary and disgusting. I’ve been there in the secret sanctum…well more like the secret rectum and the stuff that they say, the stuff that they just…guy’s even guys that are my age can be assholes.
And there’s another fear of mine too, being looked at as an interloper, as someone that’s trying to steal something from other girls.
I mean I think my friends are okay with this, they seem like their cool with this but all you have to do is to log online and go to a few sights and you’ll see that for every transition story that’s okay that there’s a hundred that just are scary or full of pain.
Sigh…I’m scared of this, and I’m sick to death of the feelings that I get from not really being me y’know. Man it feels like I’m going crazy sometime with all of this stuff.
I’m getting a look from this girl…Lucy Wilson, she’s…well she’s one of the geeky girls and I mean she’s…she’s the girl that hides out right in the middle of class and she’s the one that finds that seat that next to the windows seat but not at the back of the class but like third from the back so like to stay away from the bad kids in the back of the class or get bugged by said kid if you like sat in front of them.
I look back at her and we have a stare off which she’s so not used too because she’s getting redder and redder in the face as she’s looking at me and I bite my lower lip a little because now really looking at her she’s actually kind of cute. Actually she’s got that cute as in Kawaii adorable thing going on with these glasses and she has freckles and the baggy sweater and the sort of old school skirt and stuff.
I gesture to her with a come hither look and she turns away going really red and she’s not going to come to me so I get up and I go down to her…I sit and she “Eeep!”
“Okay I’ve never made someone Eeep before.”
“I…I…” She’s got her hands in front of her face now. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to stare.”
“Uhm okay, but why were you staring if I can ask?”
“I…I was just wondering why you were staring at the g…girls…instead of the guys…?” She almost ducks her head.
“Oh…well was I supposed to be watching the guys?”
“Uhm…..”
I lean over and look at her and she side eyes me. “Because I’m gay right?”
Holy…if she gets any redder she might pop something…but she nods.
I point with a finger and give Lucy a questioning eyebrow. “Those guys right? I’m supposed to be attracted to those guys?”
She looks at me and then at them and she looks at me…and her eyes get bigger and she starts to laugh.
Oh…em…geee…she has this crazy laugh that’s more of this crazy girl cackle and it goes full on into a snort!
It’s completely amazeballs cute.
She covers her face again because of it and peeks through to look at me and I haven’t changed my expression at all and she starts to snigger and giggle and snort all over again…it’s amazing because it’s all different and her laugh is all over the place and I’m smiling and I can’t help it.
I extend my hand to her. “I’m Stephen.”
She bites her lower lip and she takes my hand and shakes it. “I’m Lucy.”
“Well Lucy it’s really cool to finally meet you.”
She nods. “You’re my first.”
“I am?”
She nods.
“Your first what?”
“They first person that I’ve met since I started school this year…” She sort of blushes shy and stuff again.
“Well then I’m honored…”
She smiles and it’s shy sweet then questioning again. “So why not those guys?”
“I know how well they wipe.”
She cracks up laughing again and the gym teacher blows the whistle. “Wilson keep it down!”
Lucy Eeeps again and now I’m the one that’s laughing.
Masks Chapter 38
Chapter 38
*Before…
“Well Lucy it’s really cool to finally meet you.”
She nods. “You’re my first.”
“I am?”
She nods.
“Your first what?”
“The first person that I’ve met since I started school this year…” She sort of blushes shy and stuff again.
“Well then I’m honored…”
She smiles and it’s shy sweet then questioning again. “So why not those guys?”
“I know how well they wipe.”
She cracks up laughing again and the gym teacher blows the whistle. “Wilson keep it down!”
Lucy Eeeps again and now I’m the one that’s laughing.
*And Now…
I can’t help it because that Eeep was so cute and it combined with the way that she’s turning red has me snaughling.
Which sets her off as soon as I started doing that and we’re getting looks and she’s getting even redder and she’s starting to hide her face behind her books.
“Oh god, oh god, I can’t breathe…” She’s panting with her head pressed to her math book.
“You know I’ve been really unsure if I’d ever get a girl to say those words.”
She whines behind her book. “Steven…”
I grin I can’t help her I like her she’s pretty funny and it’s not just the making fun thing it’s just kind of this whole…she sort of makes me smile I think that she’s one of those kind of people who can make you smile a lot if just given half a chance.
I lay off and we watch the rest of the goings on with the kids doing the stuff in gym and I’m caught up again in watching the other girls playing volleyball and I sort of get caught up in my own little wistful thing really and that’s one of those daydreams where I’m just like them and I’m playing volleyball on the beach.
Sort of all well and good but there’s no beaches around here, not even at the closest place we have and that’s the lake and that’s mostly lawn with a playground and a strip of sandy gravel that you really couldn’t play on and then there’s docks on one side and three hundred k plus cottage homes on the other side it’s like nice and a bit of a park and it’s actually pretty busy on any nice days and kind of forget getting there and doing that in good weather because it’s one of the places that the high school kids rule at.
That kind of sucks and at the same time it doesn’t since I sort of see it as a place that we’ll sort of inherit from them in time.
Still though…
There and a folding lounge chair and me in a bikini just being me.
Still it feels so far away right now especially dressed the way that I am. I have a bit of a looming moment as my GID decides to flare up inside and I feel the clothes all the more wrong and heavy and it’s more than that it’s feeling weighed down too…like I’m heavier than I should actually be.
Lucy looks over to me. “Hey you okay?”
I take a hard breath. “Sorta yes and sorta no.”
She nods then she reaches over and rubs my back. “Wanna talk about it?”
I sigh. “No…yes…I kinda do but it’s personal.”
She nods. “Okay, that’s cool I mean we really don’t know each other and all…”
I look over at her and try a smile. “Yeah it’s kinda that but that we can fix right?”
She looks shy again. “We can?”
I look at the clock. “You wanna join me and the girls for lunch?”
It’s strange seeing her eyes get all big and stuff. Then all almost teary and the bite to her lower lip like can I trust them?
I offer her my hand like a handshake. “Seriously no bullshit.”
She blinks and Eeeps and I smile and point out Mary Jane. “My cousin’s new too, it’s cool.”
I see her looking at M.J. and I see the thoughts there, those first thoughts that a lot of people that don’t look like M.J. have about girls like M.J.
“She has a lot to worry about fitting in too, there’s a lot of assholes that make a lot of sick shi..stuff up about her because she’s well put together like that…no one asks sometimes if she was good with looking like that, it comes with a lot of hassles and not just from the guys.”
Lucy is looking at me again but sort of thoughtfully
“You sound like you really get her.”
“She’s my best friend.”
“You don’t hear a lot of guys say that about a girl and actually like mean it.” She’s looking at me like I’m some kind of rare and mythical creature and part of me wants to say that’s it’s because I’m not a guy.
But discretion is the better part of valor right now and all of that. We’ve really just met and someone that has a hate out for trans people and stuff can be like any age these days I mean just look at Tumblr.
Yeah there’s all sorts of trans ick stuff there and all sorts of get really confused trans stuff there too like the non-binaries and the demi-boys and demi-girls and gender queers and asexuals and all sorts of other things though some like the gender specials and other-kin sort of confuse me.
Okay and now I’m blushing because she’s still staring at me and now I’m staring at her and she starts to turn red because well I’m staring at her and we’re in a redder and redder loop until she puts her book up in front of her face.
“Sorry, sorry I didn’t mean to stare and stuff it’s just…”
“I’m weird?”
“No…well, it’s just I don’t know any gay guys and stuff and like just regular guys and I’m like totally scared of because like regular guys they can like suck so much.”
I smile a little. “I’m definitely Not one of the regular guys.”
Lucy smiles. “I can tell and actually things here are sort of a bit better than home was, I mean it was just getting hit on all the time and it wasn’t like here I mean the guys here don’t seem too bad compared to home.”
“Where was home?”
“Nova Scotia.”
“Halifax?”
“No, Truro actually Bible Hill.”
“Okay…sounds religiousy.”
“Nope, well a little I think but no it’s kinda the bad side of the tracks and stuff.”
“Bad?”
“I was getting hit on not because I’m like one of the pretty girls, but because I am a girl…the pretty girls don’t really get hit on the same way they get to like pick and choose and the rest of us are expected to like need to have a boyfriend and hook up and stuff.” Lucy’s making a Yick face.
“Okay that’s pretty yick.”
She nods. “My dad bailed when I was like seven and when I was looking like I was going into junior high she headed up her to my great uncles place and he like made room for us.”
And once again I’m thankful for the good family life that I have.
“Sorry…”
“No…mom was right back home was one of those towns where teen pregnancy stuff happens and honestly…”
“Honestly?”
“I might have…I mean being lonely…it sucks…I know girls that caved, went out and partied and got with guys just so they’d be popular and stuff…but here’s like different….the same but different.”
I nod. “There’s still lots of creeps and lots of people like the guys that you’re talking about here it’s just…”
“More money, I know this isn’t exactly rich or like a private school but there’s worse areas in town and worse schools too. Uncle Brian well he’s pretty well off and stuff so we’re here and actually living in a house.”
“You rented before?”
Lucy nods. “We rented but we lived in a mobile home instead of like an apartment.”
“You mean a trailer?”
She nods and goes a bit red. “Yeah a trailer park.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that I think one of my other friends does too.”
“Other friends?” She looking at me.
“Yeah, you want to be friends?” I’m smiling at her.
“Really?”
“Uhm yeah like really.”
Lucy smiles and she nods. “Okay…I’d like that.”
We shake hands and the coach does the whistle thing and sends all of the others to the showers and changing rooms and he give us that aren’t doing the gym thing the look that I think that all coaches and gym teachers give all of the kids that aren’t doing stuff in gym.
I look at Lucy. “So can I ask why you’re not gyming?”
“Gyming?” She looks like that was funny.
“Yes, gyming y’know from like having to do gym class.”
She sniggers a little then she says. “Asthma. I start getting into doing stuff and then it hits and I really can’t breathe.”
“Ouch, so you like carry puffers?”
She nods. “Two and an Epi pen.”
“Allergies?”
“Bee’s and hornets-wasps…summertime was basically invented to kill me.”
I grin. “But no food allergies right?”
“Gluten but that’s like not lethal just really painful and sick inducing.” She makes a face.
“Oh that’d so suck I love carbs.”
“Yeah it’s really not fun but that one I’ve like only had so I’m kind of used to it and can do like lots of substitutions and stuff.”
“Salad and stuffs okay right?”
“Definitely.”
We wait and she doesn’t ask me why I’m not gyming which is kind of good because it could be one of those things that would be really hard to explain right now.
And that sort of stirs the what if stuff on coming out and stuff, will Lucy still be a friend? I don’t know if that’ll be the case or not since it’s really very likely that I’ll be losing a lot of friends when I come out.
I grit my teeth inside at the thought really. I know it’ll like so suck very much and stuff but it’s something that really I can’t help.
I have to be me, dropping the whole boy act is literally the only way that I think that I’ll survive.
(Big Mental Sigh.)
I smile when the girls come out from the locker rooms and there’s the waft of the right smells, the scent of girl and the scent of deodorants and shampoos and all the stuff that you’d normally smell of a girl getting out from the locker rooms.
M.J. comes over and she’s giving me the inquisitive who’s this look. I smile and introduce them.
“Mary Jane this is Lucy, Lucy this is my cousin and best friend M.J.”
Lucy stares a little and blushes because well it’s kinda hard not to stare at M.J. with the sized of her breasts and then well knowing that you’re staring and you’re going to blush because you like were like staring.
M.J.’s mercifully used to it and she takes pity and she shakes Lucy’s hand and smiles. “Hey cool to get to know you, like any friend of Steven’s y’know right?”
“Aaaaah…uhm….. W..we just sorta met.”
“Oh still cool I’m still totes new enough that like everyone’s new to me.”
Lucy smiles a little shaking Mary Jane’s hand a bit easier now. “Actually I’m still sort of new took I moved her the end of the last school year.”
I look at her. “You did?”
“Yeah but middle school so we might have gone to different ones. I was in Trude.”
I nod. “I was in Pearson.”
M.J. laughs. “You two sound like you’re comparing prison stays.”
Lucy’s eyes widen and she’s snaughling again.
I riff on that bit. “Yeah The food was so bad at Pearson when you looked in the kitchens you saw expired boxes of stuff from Kingston…Bad…just bad…had to quick down a plastic knife so I could shiv the tater tots.”
I love her laugh like seriously.
Her laugh causes Mary Jane to burst out laughing and we start to head to the cafeteria with Amber and Amanda and Rachel and Becky joining us as they come out and they get caught up with what we’re talking about and they start riffing their own little story blurbs of the things that went on at our middle schools like we were in prison.
No offense meant to any real prisoners and stuff okay?
Toni joins us as we’re coming into the hall for the Caf and she’s doing the head back and forth as we’re getting into it and stuff and Rachel’s going on about. “I mean there was like a hair in my mashed potatoes but it like wasn’t just like a hair it was actually as I dug into them a whole Barbie’s head. That’s, that’s when I knew that the mashed wasn’t just mash but it was white safety dough…and that what the lumps were.”
Toni grins as she gets the game and she’s like. “Awesome! We’re like LARPing Orange is The New Black.”
She bites her lip and she bat’s her lashes and she sidles up to Lucy. “Heya Piper.”
And yes we all know what that is and yeah we like sot of like know it because of the stuff online and everything and it’s all racy and edgy and stuff o course it’s something that we all be like into and stuff.
We’re getting looks and well I’m getting looks as we go into the cafeteria after dropping off out books. There’s like no graffiti this time but since the first bunch was like this morning only I think that the staff and stuff have been like extra looking out and stuff.
Really this isn’t the kind of school where you see that kind of stuff or well in the open at least a whole lot of the stuff that goes on with our hateful people tends to happen under the surface or like where the haters can’t be like see or can be anon.
I’m the only “boy” with a whole bunch of girls and even there some looks from the guys on the team and they’re still a sort of mixed look of reactions. I do think that there’s stuff said, that there’s stuff going around and it still looks like no matter how much it seemed settled it’s still being hashed out.
I do enjoy the smiles as I take out my containers with my lunch in them and open them up to share with the other girls who are taking out some of their stuff and we’re sort of pot luck lunching it. It’s actually pretty cool and we’re all having fun and doing allergy checks first with stuff.
But it’s…
There’s this whole span of time somewhere during the eating and the sharing and the fun that the mask becomes like invisible and like weightless It’s Steven on the outside that everyone can like see but only just like barely, just barely Steven and so just me…Stephanie.
And it’s kind of over when like it get’s like close to the bell and we…okay they all head off to the girl’s bathroom to get freshened up and stuff and I get some looks from M.J. and well all of the girls and stuff except for Lucy.
I look at them and smile. “Half done, I’m half done the day and I’ll be okay after school.”
Amber and Amanda do the twin nod and Becky and Toni give me a hug and Lucy just looks confused.
I didn’t tell them and they like know. Just the way that they are looking me in the eye’s it’s like they know and that whole fact that they’re accepting me. It’s tightening my throat really seriously.
Lucy asks… “Uhm…what’s going on what’s with the…uhm… this?”
Mary Jane looks at me with this sort of sad for me and I love you smile all rolled into one which just pushes me towards tears really easily and it’s like super hard to keep them back. She side eyes towards Lucy and I nod and she slips her arm around Lucy’s shoulders and leads her to the girl’s bathroom.
“Let me tell you about my best friend.”
I’m just sort of there clenching and unclenching my hands and biting my lower lip…I’m really emotional and really nervous right now because they’re all going to be talking about me…
The day’s half done…the day’s half done.
Masks Chapter 39
Chapter 39
*Before…
Lucy asks… “Uhm…what’s going on what’s with the…uhm… this?”
Mary Jane looks at me with this sort of sad for me and I love you smile all rolled into one which just pushes me towards tears really easily and it’s like super hard to keep them back. She side eyes towards Lucy and I nod and she slips her arm around Lucy’s shoulders and leads her to the girl’s bathroom.
“Let me tell you about my best friend.”
I’m just sort of there clenching and unclenching my hands and biting my lower lip…I’m really emotional and really nervous right now because they’re all going to be talking about me…
The day’s half done…the day’s half done.
*And Now…
I hate this, I hate this being alone out here, not knowing, and…and …I hate being in boy drag.
It’s like incredibly nerve-wracking.
It doesn’t take all that long in actuality but the girls all come out together and there’s some newly re-done make-up and there’s some dabbed at eyes and Mary Jane has this look on her face that hakes me able to exhale this breath that I’ve been holding and then there’s Lucy.
Lucy who actually comes over and she gives me a hug.
I’m trying really hard not to cry. I shake a bit but it’s more like this really, really contained bounce on my feet in here arms as I do this kinda timid hopeful little. “…yay?”
Lucy sniffles and laughs a little. “Definitely yay.”
I hug her back after that part and we’re getting looks from some of the other students and mostly those kids that are giving me this whole look that’s this sort of semi-eye roll kind of thing.
It’s not an actual eye roll but it’s that look of not really hate but sort of like this exaggerated semi complaint statement of “Gays.”
Not quite hate, just really teened stereotyped.
It’s the few that go passed avoiding our group that do the mumbled Fag or Faggot under their breath.
They, they’re the hater types and I see Liz with some of them and there’s the nasty look like me being gay was something I did to her like personally or something.
Not that I’m gay, I don’t know what I am in like the whole dating and sexual way. Besides I’m not old enough for any of that stuff anyways and it’s hard enough wrapping my head around the gender stuff.
And some of those people are looking at all of my friends like their getting painted with the same brush by them just for being friends with me.
Some guy from one of the other middle schools in town goes passed and he gives me this dirty look. “Faggot…”
I’m like just…well I want to tell him to Eff off but I’m kind of just not really there mentally to like give him one and I don’t have to as Toni starts off.
She gets right in front of him. Like literally in his face and she’s talking really loud doing this suddenly Eliza Doolittle thing. “Faggot, I like a good faggot I does, I see that you like a good faggot too eh son.”
He so has this WTF look on his face.
“What?”
One of the teachers is coming right over. “Toni….stop saying that word.”
She looks at the teacher. “Wot? I thought he was just like trying to talk about food seeing as we’re just outside the food hall and such and he comes along t’all of us and He Start’s going off about Faggots.”
There’s kids watching, there’s some of them laughing, we’re laughing.
The guy he looks like he either wants to pound her or run away crying and all helpless at the same time.
The Teacher… “Toni!”
“Wot, I likes a good faggot, and figured he’d like a good faggot to eat next time for hot lunch and all.”
“TONI!”
She turns and she stares at the teacher who’s red faced and says. “What….What we can’t say it because it’s a slur and he can get away with that homophobic bullshit.”
The teacher looks at her…purses her lips and she looks at the guy that said it and he’s red faced and near crying. “You said that?”
He doesn’t say anything but there’s more than a few people that are sort of between neutral and friendly to me nodding.
“I think you should apologize to Steven”
He looks like he horked up a big slimy booger and someone was making him swallow it.
“I’m…I’m sorry.”
The teacher… “For?”
“For calling you a faggot.” The look on his face says though…but you are.
I nod and offer my hand. “We’re good.”
He shakes it but it’s like I’ve got HIV or something, no it’s exactly like that whole bigoted thing where people think that gay’s something that you can catch.
The teacher gets another disappointed look on her face. “Get to class, I’m writing this up but I’m not going to haul you down to the office just yet. But you’ve been warned.”
She looks at everyone in earshot. “We don’t tolerate bulling and that includes stuff like this, now get back to your classes.”
People start leaving and the teacher’s like. “Toni…”
Toni looks at her and actually has the nerve to blink at her like she was one of her cutesy anime characters. “Yes…?”
“No more.”
“No more what?”
“No more of that faggot stuff.”
“It’s a food stuff actually ma’am you can google it.”
You ever see someone with that expression on their face that just reads like they want to facepalm and then pull their face off sort of gesture? The teacher looks like she wants to do exactly that.”
“You know the difference, please respect that we don’t want slurs here in the school even if you are using it in another way.”
“But…but we’re part of the commonwealth, it’s the King’s English it is.” She’s Doolittling again.
Rachel actually steps up and wraps her hand around Toni’s mouth. “Got it ma’am.”
“Good.”
Toni’s got her smartphone out and the teacher’s heading away and misses that she typed.
Or is it the Queen’s English and look see sub-titles.”
Honestly I think that the teacher missed that whole last part of purpose.
Then Rachel has this look on her face that’s shocked and she makes a face and pulls her hand from Toni’s mouth with this Eeew expression and we’re all seeing Toni making out with Rachel’s hand.
Lucy’s staring at her in this whole stunned sort of way and she shakes her head after a minute. “No one would have done that home.”
Rachel’s like… “Where was home?”
“Nova Scotia.”
Becky’s like… “Oooh I like lobster.”
Lucy kinda of smiles. “Well unless you get it from the tank at the grocery store, you won’t find it home outside of like driving an hour or so.”
They all look confused and she continues. “Truro’s kind of mid province.”
There’s some nods and Amanda’s got her tablet out and she’s googling it and she’s nodding. “Cool, so what was it like?”
Lucy’s pulling a face. “Honestly I’m really, really glad to not be there.”
I rub her shoulder. “Well I’m glad you’re here too.”
She smiles and blushes as the other girls nod and the bell rings and she says quietly just for me. “Thanks Steph.”
I smile back as we start heading to our homerooms for afternoon registration. “No problem though I should be thanking you for being cool about this.”
She shakes her head no. “Nuh-uh, I…I haven’t been included in stuff for like a long time. It was nice…better than nice I…I missed having friends.”
I really want to give her another hug but we don’t have the time and she just had this sort of sad but happy wistful look on her face as she was heading to her’s.
I go to registration but I really have to keep it in mind that straight or Cis or LGBTQAI+…everyone has stuff that they’re going through and that there’s stuff that we’re all like fighting through besides all of my stuff.
I see Nick…and there’s a bit of a look there like he seen me with them and stuff at lunch and there’s more want to hug or like make it better or something coming up from my heart.
They’re another one going through some stuff.
We do registration and afternoon announcements and then it’s off to geography and then art class. That’s actually a good way to end the day and I’m de-stressing and at the same time feeling all yes, yes, yes it’s the end of the day soon, soon, soon and I can get back to being me in…
And I was like counting the minutes.
But I still go a mess of the paper mache pumpkins molded and some more of the ones that are done painted and stuff for the trick or treater kids and I talk with Becky or listen because she’s talking about the whole thing for Halloween and her costume and she’s going as a nurse maybe or a maid or a kitty.
And she’s serious and stuff too and that’s cool with me. Becky’s not one of the most bril girls in school and most of her marks are like from trying so hard than being smart but she’s really friendly and she’s one of those girls that’s has her heart in exactly the right place.
And she’s stressing a bit over her English homework since we’re all sort of doing poetry and stuff even if we’re in different slot classes.
Yeah I know that sort of sounds like dirty.
I look at her as we’re done and heading out of class. “You want to come over to study tonight?”
She looks at me. “That’d be okay?”
“I can ask.”
“Sure, lemme ask my folks.”
So we do the phone thing and Mom says sure and Dad’s like working and stuff and she say’s we’re having shepherd’s pie and I’m texting Yummers and she’s LOLing and Becky’s grinning.
“My folks said sure.”
“Cool.”
“Totally.”
She grins and Mary Jane’s there and suddenly it’s like the three of us and Becky like gets it as M.J. and I spout off with the whole like… “Totally!”
We take a pause to talk to Lucy and get numbers and stuff because she's on one of the other buses and her and I hug it out some more and she has this look like she'd wanted to stay.
But we all wave bye to her.
We’re all laughing and getting looks and we get our things and we get on the bus together and head home and we’re still sort of getting looks well I’m getting looks and stuff from the other kids and especially the ones that I’m not going to school with because all they see is Steven and not me and I think a lot of them think that I’m gay now.
Word like spreads pretty fast and stuff, and I’m sitting with M.J. and the other girls still and we’re all talking about stuff mostly homework and there’s a bunch of stuff like what Toni did and Randy getting caught seriously making out with his girlfriend and how Holly Price just like shot up like two dress sizes and she’s now like went from a skinny girl in like our age group to being on her way to Mary Jane like stature and Mary Jane is being like so…odd…not like odd because I get it she’s like commiserative about it and at the same time she’s like competitive and stuff too.
And I so don’t feel alone at the young teen girl sigh over what the rest of us don’t have.
Okay I know I really am like left in the dust with this compared to the other girls…..Grrr stupid chromosomes….but at the same time we’re this little sort of private knot of us girls talking and stuff and Rachel and Amber and Amanda and Toni and me are all in the same boat when it comes to like proper hottie curvature.
Becky’s on her way to a C cup so she’s not part of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee as Toni has dubbed us…and apparently that’s like a movie? I soooo don’t get how she gets away with watching the stuff and doing the stuff that she does.
And yeah, they’re including me in the whole thing and that really friggin feels awesome. I might not be like out yet and stuff and we’re not coming right out yet and saying stuff and like outing me but it’s there, we know it’s there and I’m being included.
Becky gets off at her house saying she’s going to change and stuff first and I get off with Mary Jane’s house and I get us two coffee’s as she is showering and changing and I load my aunt’s coffee perk with hot water and set out her tea pot and some tea in it and stuff and a note saying “flick me on for hot water.”
You know that’s a good idea, if you want to make tea and need to like shower and stuff the coffee perk will do that quite nicely and the kettle won’t be whistling or boiling over on the stove either.
I hear M.J. yell. “I’m gonna be a minute or two I’ll meet you over there!”
“Okay, I’ll lock the door and I have our coffee I’ll take the path!”
“Uh-huh okay!”
I leave and I head home with the coffees in our travel school mugs and take the path and it’s just nice. It’s nice to stop actively being Steven and just be myself and I stop in that little patch of field and take a sip of my coffee and smile.
It’s hard not to smile when I’m like stopped.
I mean I look around and it’s a few logs fallen over from trees downed in the winter and the grass is like high and just starting to brown and there’s an old grey fence wade with two or three inch wide log beams and on posts and there’s some pine trees all the way around it mixed with the occasional alder and spruce with a lone big old birch tree near where the path comes into my back yard and here and there past the fence line are the maples trees that are like all over town.
It’s just a really nice spot and it’s out of the traffic and everything so it’s always been this sort of intermittent play area for us kids and stuff. Not so much now with most of us around here like either being older or my age or too young to use the space to play in now but in a few more years…
I bite my lower lip then smile and take another drink of my coffee and I take a breath and sit on the log and set everything down and then take off my sneakers and my socks and I go barefoot.
Aunt Els into the Wiccan stuff and the goddess stuff and I don’t know about much of that stuff but I like this and there’s this feeling. I mean have you like not really gone barefoot that much then you take your shoes and socks off and you’re walking on the ground and there’s this feeling.
I know it’s likely just all the nerves and stuff feeling things like differently and stuff and like they’re likely reacting to like the weight of my body pressing bare feet into the earth and stuff but when I close my eyes and just stop and breathe holding my coffee to my chest it feels something different, it feels like almost as if the ground is pushing up at me.
Like there’s some connection or something there.
And if some of this stuff’s real it’s nice, it feels kind of like…and I hope I don’t like sound like all new agey and stuff but it’s sort of like she’s holding me up.
And I stay like that until I hear Mary Jane come and I open my eyes and she’s looking at me.
“What are you doin?”
“Communing with the earth.”
“You sound like Mom.”
“Aunt Els is pretty awesome.”
“Uh-huh she is but I’m too close to that being like her kid and all.”
I look at her and take her hand. “C’mon let’s get home and I want to get back to being really me.”
We head home and Becky’s pulling into the yard on her bicycle and she’s like all perfectly down dressed with a tee shirt and a zip up hoody and jeans and sneakers with her hair out of the way and I can smell meat cooking on the barbeque.
I grin as she’s coming into the yard and she’s sniffing and then she’s looking around and she like all. “Ohmigawd pumpkins!”
I laugh because yeah we have a lot of them around and she’s new here but it’s Becky and she’s just too open and happy to be really like bashful and stuff.
I introduce her to Mom who’s on the front deck area with the BBQ and there’s a bit of wood chip smoke and Becky looks at me. “Burgers? I though you guys were like having shepherd’s pie.”
Mom’s like. “We are I just like to get this grilled fire flavor to the ground lamb.”
“Lamb? I’ve never had lamb before I thought it was made with beef?”
“Shepherd’s shepherd sheep.” Mom says grinning.
There’s this whole thing where I actually see Becky go…ohhhhh…as she gets it.
She looks at M.J. “Mary Jane you want to take your friend into the kitchen and help get things ready too?”
M.J. looks at Becky. “Sorry, but like friends aren’t like exempted from like work and stuff.”
She shrugs. “Oh cool I don’t like mind, it’s like learning new stuff it’s not like I’m a great cook but my mom’s like even worse than me and Dad could like burn take-out.”
We make a face and I say. “I’ll be right back; I’m just going to go change.”
I run upstairs and I’m getting out of Steven’s junk as fast as I can and I get some of my things and go and hit the shower. I’m not doing my wig right now but after I get the guy washed off and finally feeling like me and smelling like me I do my hair in a cute short haired style and head down to help with things.
Just jeans and a mountain dew tee shirt and ankle socks and my girl sneakers but I have my chest looking and feeling right and the rest of the stuff like put away and I even have a pair of my earrings in and I feel better, heck I feel awesome.
Becky sees me come into the kitchen and she’s in the middle of chunking a pumpkin into like bits and stuff and she stops and she does the big jaw drop and she looks at me and she drops the knife and her hands come up and do the happy flail and she squees.
Yays…oh this, oh so much this, this is who I really am and this is just…
Yep I’m right with her and M.J. too and the kitchen is full of three teenaged girls.
“OHMYGAWDHOLYSHITSTEPHANIEYOULOOKLIKESTEPHANIE!”
I’m laughing too. “That’s because I am Stephanie!”
And Becky’s like… “I know right!”
And Mary Jane’s whooping it up laughing and then we’re just all having fun and talking as we’re cooking and I kind of drop all the details so far with me and everything with like My family and my brothers and the day we took off shopping and the time we went skating and Emily’s nodding and laughing and saying stuff like. “This house so needed another woman in it.” And “I’d love to go like skating and stuff like walks we never do that kind of stuff home and it’s like right like there.”
Which actually gets us talking about going for a walk after supper and before we have our study session and about like all the stuff that we don’t get to do because usually we’re too busy to do it or by the time we’re not busy we’ve forgotten what it is that we were thinking about doing.
Becky’s got the pumpkin junked up and I’m using the hand veg-peeler to shave off strips of it into the salad bowl and Mary Jane’s done some parsnip and a couple of carrots while Emily’s looking on going. “Whoa…so that’s sort of what we had at lunch? I’ve never seen anyone like do that with stuff like that it’s kinda far out.”
“Far out?” M.J. asks.
Becky nods. “Yeah like it’s pretty far out.”
And I’m like… “Dude.”
And M.J.’s like… “Man.”
And then we’re like… “Totally.”
And then we’re giggling and Becky too and the three of us go… “Totally!”
And Mom’s looking at us with a tray with the lamb burger on it.
I grin. “We’re not using it in the whole ‘Like totally y’know.’ It’s more like we’re mocking it.”
She’s shaking her head but smiling a bit. “I get it we had the same type in my day too.”
Mary Jane’s nodding. “Cheerspeak is evil.”
Mom’s nodding. “We called it Preppanese.”
And Becky and Mary Jane’s got this look on her face as we’re getting back to building the salad and she starts singing. “We’re turning prepanese-a, we’re turning preppanese-a…or at least I think D’oh...”
Mom’s actually the first one to get it and she’s tasting broth for the gravy for the lamb burger and she ends up having it go down the wrong pipe and she starts coughling.
Coughling is when you’re coughing and laughing.
We’re having a good time and we’re getting the salad done with strips of pumpkin and zucchini and chopped strands of cabbage and shaved carrots and a parsnip and then some wedges of tomatoes and slices of cumber then it’s pretty much done and mom’s making the shepherd’s pie.
It’s the ground lamb with onions and rosemary and some thyme cooked on the grill and then she’s got it in a pot in the kitchen as she adds some canned Scotch broth and some flour and makes a gravy and we get some home fries cut, peeled slices of potatoes that are cut off the potato width wise so we have rounds and mom puts then in the deep fryer while we do mashed potatoes and get the carrots and turnip and squash combo mashed up.
Becky’s looking and she asks. “I thought shepherd’s pie was like meat and then peas or corn and then mashed potatoes?”
Mom nods. “A lot of the time but my granddad liked it with the root veggies saying that was more likely a big part of the way it was back then and I like adding the fries as another layer and texture and the flavor with the fries being browned it.”
“Oh well It’s really cool.”
Mom smiles and gets Becky to help her build it and the fires go down first and they’re cooked pretty well done for fries but that’s on purpose and then it’s some salt not a lot but they’re fries and a lot of pepper and then the gravy with the meat in it and after that it’s this layer of turnip and carrots and squash all mashed together and then poured in and smoothed out and the last layer is the mashed potatoes.
She covers the roaster and then it’s into the oven and it not even going to even have to bake that long and Mom’s doing some other stuff too while she asks me. “Steph can you and the girls get some preserves and pickles out and set the table?”
“Okay sure!” I head to the larder with Becky and M.J. and we get a bunch of stuff while M.J. points out the linens to take for Becky and we’re getting the preserves and other things.
It’s one thing that I get…if you can put stuff down and freeze it because you can make stuff to eat sure but you can make a whole lot of filling sides that really can take a simple dish of stuff and make like a big meal out of it.
Rind on pumpkin chunks in cider vinegar with curry spices and turmeric and chilies, Mustard beans full length and the same sauce/brine for cauliflower and even brussel sprouts…we have those with dill pickle brine too and green tomatoes in dill…those are good too since they cook while you’re canning them and they’re really tart they’re sort of like a bundle of dill chow and we have purple beets and yellow beets and carrots and dill green beans and hot pepper beans and we’re kind of done at that point and Becky’s like… “Oh wow, I mean like wow you guys sure do have a lot of stuff and all and we’re going to eat all of that?”
I shake my head. “Not all but it’s like for snacks and stuff or like on a burger or a hot dog.’
She’s looking at the stuff. “On a burger or a hot dog?”
I nod. “The beets are actually just as good as any pickle slice on a burger or sandwich and the long beans are great on a dog.”
“Oh well wow we’d have never thought about that at home.”
Mom says. “We’ll set you up with a few bottles of things to take home then.”
“Really! Wow that’s awesome!”
We’re all grinning and just doing the stuff that Mom wanted even though it’s labeled “girl stuff” well I’m okay with that especially since we’re all going to eat and it’s only us girls here to do it so it’s still going to get done.
And it’s supper and the family meal so we’re putting out the dining cloth on the table well two actually then it’s a basket with bread and another with biscuits and then mom has a small vase and she shoves some sprigs of rosemary in there for the smell and then we’re just plating the preserves and stuff out and slowly one by one people start to drift in with The Twins and Mark and then it’s Aunt Els who opens a bottle of red with Mom and they’re having a glass while we’re waiting for Dad and the guys are upstairs getting cleaned up.
Will and Rob both did the guy non-related to you boob stare at Becky so they’re…very likely getting really scrubbed down and sprayed heel to toe in cologne.
Yick….Blaaargh.
Mom’s talking on the phone and then she’s done and taking out the Shepherd’s pie to cool off to eatability and with the cover off it’s potatoes and sweet root veggies and lamb and fries and gravy all mixed and wafting together and three times Becky does a passby it and deep inhale.
Dad comes in with a big bakery box by the four way strings at the top and gives me a hug as I’m the closest and the M.J. and then Mom and Aunt Els and I’m coughing because he smells of varnish and that’s pretty strong.
He smiles at Becky. “Welcome to the house.” And he shakes her hand which has her blinking in surprise and that’s just Dad though. He heads up to shower and change and Mom goes with him and I listen for a bit before…I hear their music playing upstairs and I’m caught between feeling all yay because romance and eeew because I think I know what their doing.
I take Mary Jane and Becky up to my room and she squees over it and the fact that it’s my room and it’s not Steven’s room a fact that she’s really thrilled about and we get our books set out for the homework that we’re going to be working on and Becky’s got a lot of stuff.
I look at her. “Wow you got a lot of homework.”
“There’s stuff I don’t get finished in class…I mean it’s like hard because I’m not like able to just go through it all like everyone else does and then I got all of this…” She gestures at the pile.
Mary Jane’s nodding. “I’m still playing catch up with the make up assignments so I catch up with you all.”
They’re looking at me and I shrug. “I’m doing okay I have to keep a B to stay on hockey.”
Becky looks at me. “How’s that going? I mean with you being you and stuff.”
“I have to change with guys, or I did…who knows what’s going to go on with them thinking I’m gay and when I come out as transgender.”
She and M.J. both give me hugs and then we hear aunt Elsbeth calling us.
Well Mom and Dad didn’t take too long and they both come down after us comfy dressed and with wet hair and that’s when Emily’s eyes went big and M.J.’s nodding and Aunt Els passes Dad a beer and Mom more wine and we’re all called to the table.
And though I was right about Will and Rob but they’re also being not terrible either and get the chairs for us. I don’t know if it’s that or Dad doing Moms and Mark doing Aunt Els and that look he shot them but it was still pretty cool.
Dad looks at Becky. “Do your folks say grace or anything?”
She looks at him. “Uhm…no, we’re Christmas Christians sir that’s about it.”
Dad nods. “Well here’s thanking those that look out for us and we’re thankful for the things we have both on the table and around it and guys…we’re thankful to the ladies for making everything aren’t we?”
There’s a chorus of thanks and agreement and Becky’s beaming and then we all start passing food and plates and Mom starts us off by asking about our days.
Dad…he looks happy like this is the way it’s supposed to be and Mary Jane’s all content looking too with this sort of want/need/missed this expression and I get that and Becky actually has the same expression only a bit more wistful looking and it reminds me that there’s a lot going on and not more than likely with my friends and I really do have it pretty good.
Masks Chapter 40
Chapter 40
*Before…
Dad nods. “Well here’s thanking those that look out for us and we’re thankful for the things we have both on the table and around it and guys…we’re thankful to the ladies for making everything aren’t we?”
There’s a chorus of thanks and agreement and Becky’s beaming and then we all start passing food and plates and Mom starts us off by asking about our days.
Dad…he looks happy like this is the way it’s supposed to be and Mary Jane’s all content looking too with this sort of want/need/missed this expression and I get that and Becky actually has the same expression only a bit more wistful looking and it reminds me that there’s a lot going on and not more than likely with my friends and I really do have it pretty good.
*And Now…
I like supper here at home it’s one of those things that was okay before and stuff with the boys being the boys and Mom and I having to like endure it but the numbers are way more balanced now with Mom and Aunt Els and Mary Jane and myself so they’re behaving better by a whole lot even if it’s not all that formal and stuff there’s nice conversation and there’s pleases and thank you’s and there’s talking and stuff.
Like really talking and yeah it’s mostly about school and stuff but there’s no TV with dinner and I have always liked that.
We have some music playing and it’s usually something kind of mellow not like classical and stuff but like CBC radio 2 or something like that and it’s just that kind of a thing.
Atmosphere I thing they call it.
Becky’s having a great time too as we’re talking and passing things and she’s eating a lot of everything. Well like not a lot of everything but she’s definitely trying most of it and having a good time.
Rob and Will are a little overly Axe-scented tonight as I thought that they might be and yeah they are definitely staring at Becky and her looks and her curves even if she’s my friend and she’s younger than they are.
I tap my knife handle a bit on the table to get their attention and cough at them a few times before they sort of stare at me with that whole guy blocker “What?” look until Mark goes to get some more ice water for the table and he gives them that older brother whack in back of the head. “Watch where you’re watching you two.”
Yep, right out loud and in front of everyone there and even if it’d embarrass Mandy a little, it waaaay more embarrassed the two of them.
Becky blushed but she smirked a little bit too.
We sort of traded looks between me her and M.J. and there were some smiles and it’s in that whole like tried and true girls and boys way.
Okay that was, that is pretty cool and stuff.
I really like actually feeling like I’m not just me…because really I’ve been me in my head and stuff like all of my life or like most of it and all. it’s the fact that I’m me and that I’m visible and I have a life and stuff now that’s really cool that I can have people say Stephanie and actually mean me.
It’s really cool and I’m savoring it even these little things like shared looks between girls about boys…Even if they’re my brothers.
We’re talking about school again and the poetry we’re going to be studying and the math stuff and other things when Mom and Aunt Els start talking poetry too.
It’s like this whole sort of impressive thing where they’re talking about all these poets and these women writers and stuff and they’re quoting stuff to each other and everything.
Okay my Mom’s an artist and I was sort of kind of getting that she went to college for that and I know Aunt Els was into all of this sort of new age stuff but they’re doing this whole thing where they’re almost quote riffing and it’s so neat.
Maya Angelou….
"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean."
"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage."
Louisa May Alcott…
"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship."
“Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us-and those around us - more effectively. Look for the learning."
Bronte…
"I have dreamed in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind."
You ever been in one of those moments where the subject gets passionate and the people are like really into it and you can feel that sort of energy from them kind of filling up the room?
It’s so that.
Mom looks at me and smiles and she and Aunt Elsbeth are pouring more wine for each other and she’s saying. “Audre Lorde was awesome too a great woman and so not the pop singer you hear on the radio and all of that she had stuff to say.”
I’m like…. “Like what?” I’m kind of swept aloft…the mood makes me feel all real and sort of empowered like the stuff we’re talking about reaches in past my shell self.
Mom actually answers. “Well there’s this one and it really applies to all of us but it really says so much for you girls especially at your ages.”
She takes and sip of wine then says. "If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive."
Oh…oh my… There’s something in that that sounds so damned right…maybe because that’s so much like what I feel that I have to do.
Define myself before the rest of the world does it for me.
Even when it’s time to clear the table we’re listening as they’re talking about that stuff and women bands and books and what some of those things said in the books and the music and it goes into dessert which is awesome.
I feel like we’re learning so much…and we’re just talking a riffing?
Poetry is a lot more interesting when you actually get who the poet was and what their life was like and you kinda see them as a person and then all the poems aren’t just words that someone wrote down a long time ago and stuff but they were real feelings, things that they had to say about the life and times that they lived in.
Dessert is really good too it’s a sweet cornbread like a sort of shortcake and instead of the pumpkin stuff like we usually have we have this sauce that’s made from Cape Gooseberries which are these things that dad buys that are covered in this papery leaf and the fruit is orange and they taste amazing…kinda tart and sweet in this really good way and then there’s kumquats too which are oranges if oranges were like cherry tomatoes and those are both like quartered and cooked in like sugar and water and some honey to make the syrup and we have that with whipped cream to go with it and the berries and the fruit are that different it’s like what makes it a treat and everything and the cornbread is just like its own sort of sweet and there’s no sugar in the whipped cream actually and you get this sort of corn cake buttery thing going on and the sauce which has the honey which like goes with the cornbread and then just everything else.
And one of the best things with this is Mom made Becky and Mary Jane and I our own Pot of tea for this.
Not pop or juice or milk but milk if we want it with a cup of tea.
Steve wouldn’t have I’m pretty sure and M.J. I think is used to it by the way that she’s handling everything but like tea and dessert is a big sort of thing to me and definitely for Mandy too.
When she’s not shoving a fork of dessert in her mouth and rolling her eyes as she’s enjoying the food.
I look at her after my first few bites and a drink. “So supper was alright?”
She goggles at me. “Alright!? Are you kidding me? I’ve like never had stuff like this for supper ever and this dessert is like amaaaaazing.”
M.J. nods. “They have serious food here like all the time.”
I shrug. “My folks I guess didn’t have it growing up or that’s what they told me.”
Becky nods. “I’ve so the feels, my house still doesn’t have it.”
Mary Jane and I are looking at her.
She blushes but shrugs. “My parents are part of the whole microwave and instant stuff generation and everything.”
Mary Jane nods. “Truthfully Mom and I’d be in the same boat between her working and school for me and everything.”
I grin. “Well I’m pretty sure that you guys are like permanent meal time guests and stuff.”
M.J. looks down and she rubs her stomach and grins. “Excellent.”
We all burst out laughing together which again is such a thing that I can like hardly get it into words and stuff and we get up from the table and we hug and we were going to get to the dishes when Will and Rob come for them and Rob grins.
“Mom said you girls were going to do a study session together so we got this this time.”
I look at him and blink a few times. “Okay, this time I’ll return the favor sometime.”
Rob looks at Becky.
“Heck no.”
“What?” He’s trying to put on this whole innocent look.
I poke him on the end of his nose. “You’re not hitting on my friends, beside…”
“Besides?”
“Besides you look like a puppy that’s making eyes After he made a mess.”
He pulls his face back and snorts and covers his face. “What!? No I…Eeew no!”
And that’s set’s us off laughing and giggling and Rob’s heading into the kitchen yelling at Will who’s laughing too and we can hear him yell. “Owned!”
We get our things and we head to the living room which is sort of like this kind of common area but we don’t use it a whole lot for other than company and stuff. Mom has her studio and Dad has the den and us kids use our rooms most of the time so the living room is for like when we have guests.
It’s got a couple of big comfy chairs and there’s a big sectional couch there too and this sort of matching TV table that’s in an L shape that dad made that has drawers in it and stuff and there’s the fireplace and we have a big flat screen TV on one of the walls and shelving unit that dad built for it that matches the TV table and that has like the speakers and DVD and DVR players and our movies all in it and the like.
I plug my MP-3 into the stereo there and put on some music as we take out our books and we start to work and study and stuff tackling English first and the poetry stuff while we’re still all kind of freshly feeling it and everything from the whole collegey thing that Mom and Aunt Elspeth we doing and everything.
We have to read a few from the ones in our books and there’s like ten and we have to read like three and pick one and then write our interpretation about it.
Which I hate, I hate it like book reports because it’s dumb to get graded on your opinion. But you still do and Beckyy finds that part really hard because she doesn’t know what to do or what to write when it comes to that kind of stuff.
I finish mine and she and Mary Jane are looking at me. “What?”
Mary Jane… “You’re done?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
Becky… “Wow…that was fast and you still have good marks?”
I nod… “There’s a trick to this stuff.”
They’re both looking at me.
I pick up the text book and show them the questions that they sort of have at the back of the chapter.
Becky’s like. (Groan) “We have to do those too!?”
“No, they weren’t even assigned but that’s what they want to see as the whole essay opinion thing, these answered but just like not in a list.”
They’re both looking at the questions and frowning with the tense WTF face.
I smile and take out my pen and yank a sheet of loose-leaf free of my binder. “Look we just write our answers sort of in like a loose paragraph and then you just kind of try and read it like a paragraph but filling it in to make like sense instead of having a list of answers for the questions in the book you look like you’re hitting all the points that they want you to hit.”
Becky’s eyes get wide. “Oh that’s so cool that’s like a super neat trick.”
M.J.’s like. “So…they really don’t want our answer?”
I shake my head. “Not really they want the book stuff but not the book stuff.”
“What’s the point of asking us to write our opinions then?”
I just shrug. “I don’t get it either but they grade well on this kind of stuff.”
M.J. Rolls her eyes and she sits back and starts reading and Becky’s writing and she looks actually excited.
Hey, I’ll take that and she seems to be excited about doing homework and then we go from that to math and I have Algebra it’s not that it’s hard but it just seems to be a waste of time to me if you’re not going into like a math heavy job.
Sigh…heck I’m not even really old enough to have like a part time job or anything right now.
It’s Social studies after that and that’s I guess kind of like a sort of mix between like some history class and geography and everything, it’s actually one of the subjects I really like.
And it’s not just work either we’re listening to music and we actually sing along to some of them that are stuff that we like and it’s a real like grins moment between us and it’s even a bit girl spazzy sit dancing and some air guitar.
Heck yeah girls play air guitar.
We’re actually having a great time and hanging out even after getting our homework done and once that’s all done though we’re up and dancing.
I love the grins that the other two girls have when we’re doing this and it’s actually really surprising when Dad shows up and watches us for a little bit.
He turns the music down and I look at him and he head nods towards the clock on the wall and it’s eight he smiles. “I’m sorry to break up the party girls but it is a school night.”
Becky looks at the clock. “Wow…that went fast. I should get home.”
Dad looks at her. “I’ll give you a ride.”
“Uhm that’s alright I can bike home myself it’s not far sir.”
“Well it’s getting dark and I want to meet your folks.”
She’s looking at him and does the big gulp. “You do?”
Dad nods. “Definitely.” But he really wasn’t answering it was more like he was informing her that this was already going to happen.
She nods and sighs. “Yessir.”
I look at her. “We can come with.”
She looks nervous. “You guys don’t have to.”
I look at her and slip over and give her a hug. “Hey it’ll be okay it’ll give everyone two targets instead of like one.”
Mary Jane says. “Three, safety in numbers from the whole parental scrutiny thing, cause that happens when they start talking.”
She bites her lip and she nods. “Okay.”
I smile my own little shaky smile. “Besides I kinda gotta go, I want to kind of have people like actually meet me before Halloween.”
“What’s going on with Halloween?”
“Uhm…I’m coming out.”
Okay Becky’s jaw drop was worth it.
Masks Chapter 41
Chapter 41
*Before…
I look at her. “We can come with.”
She looks nervous. “You guys don’t have to.”
I look at her and slip over and give her a hug. “Hey it’ll be okay it’ll give everyone two targets instead of like one.”
Mary Jane says. “Three, safety in numbers from the whole parental scrutiny thing, cause that happens when they start talking.”
She bites her lip and she nods. “Okay.”
I smile my own little shaky smile. “Besides I kinda gotta go, I want to kind of have people like actually meet me before Halloween.”
“What’s going on with Halloween?”
“Uhm…I’m coming out.”
Okay Becky’s jaw drop was worth it.
*And Now...
It doesn't take too long for us to get our stuff ready and Dad’s getting a box of things from Mom to take over to Becky’s house and it’s preserves and some pumpkin stuff and Dad tosses in a package of bacon and a thing on unopened cheese and there’s even an actual pumpkin and Mom opts out of going because her and Aunt Els are still a little lit.
But it’s one of those things that my parents do a lot and that’s bringing stuff as gifts to other people. I know that Mom has made pies and a loaf of bread at least once for every one of our neighbors and I know we do like gift basket stuff for them at Christmas too.
Those are usually pretty fun times too because they’re gotten so they return the favor and we all kind of band together when there’s snow storms and help out and stuff. That’s actually pretty fun when we’re all doing that and then someone starts bringing out hot goodies like cookies or hot chocolate.
Plus even though I’m still well off and still kind of young I make money shoveling too with like doing sidewalks and the front walks and sometimes paths to like oil tanks or to a shed and it adds up when you get like toonies and fives and sometimes tens.
Anyways it’s like I said doing stuff for others and stuff is so a Mom and Dad kind of thing. I think it’s got to be because when they were younger they didn’t have a whole lot of stuff and they kind of like to spread the good around.
I kind of want to be that kind of person too.
It’s why I slip my arm into Becky’s and I smile at her because she’s seems sort of nervous and I know I’m nervous too but right now it just feels like it’s more about being there for her than with my stuff going on even if in truth I’m going to her house as myself in a sort of getting outed thing and…you know it’s worth it because she just sort of gets this smile that’s there in her eyes and it gets bigger when Mary Jane slips her arm in on the other side and we all get into the back of the pumpkin and Dad drives us over.
It’s not a long drive really but I get why when we get there and that’s because Becky’s house is actually a mobile home trailer.
Now don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with living where you have to live but really to be honest some people are kind of shitty about stuff and there’s that whole trailer park thing that comes from this especially since we did actually drive into a mobile home court and all. Seriously some people would just see this and be like all kinds of weird about it and stuff.
Or like Elizabitch and be an unrelenting punt about it.
Oh a punt’s not like the whole sports thing instead it’s a person that acts like the living personalization of the feeling of getting kicked in the weehoo…a punt.
Becky’s looking at us as we’re pulling in and there’s almost a winch there in her eyes and I squeeze her arm a little. “Hey it’s cool.”
“No…not really…your place is cool.”
Mary Jane says. “I lived in a mobile home before I came here a lot of people did houses are like really, really freaking expensive out west.”
Becky gets this like oh look on her face.
Even Dad says. “My grandparent only ever had a mobile home and back then they were anywhere this nice actually.”
She’s blushing. “Sorry you all it’s just…not everyone’s as cool about it especially at our school.”
I kind of nod. “Well we’re your friends Becky no matter what. We don’t care about that stuff.”
She has this really big smile on her face as we get out and we help her get her bike off of the roof racks and we all take a second and we walk to the side porch that they use for the front door or the main door. It’s like not a bad neighborhood really since Becky doesn’t lock her bike up and it’s not like I’m looking around and seeing junk everywhere or like barrel fires.
But I get the unease Becky’s got there’s two public schools for us and there’s the one that we go to and it’s newer and it’s nicer and stuff and then there’s the other one…. That one where the kids that lived on the other side of the tracks went to so to speak.
I think Becky commutes or walks to the bus stop to go to our school.
She lets us in and says. “Mum, Dad Uhm I brought friends over!”
I look down the hall and I see a woman poke her upper torso around the end of the hallway from what seems to be the kitchen? “Oh…well…well we weren’t expecting company…”
Oh yeah she has that oh crap I didn’t clean the house or hide the daily stuff that my mom gets on her face.
Dad steps in. “I offered to drive Becky home and my daughter and my niece wanted to come so I thought it might be a good idea if we all met anyway since our daughters are friends.”
She’s doing the brain not yet working blink and Dad holds up the goodies. “My wife sent wine.”
She suddenly smiles. “Oh well in that case…where is she?’
“She and her sister were helping the girls with their English homework and they got on poetry and that turned into talking about college which turned into her being too tipsy to come over.”
“That tipsy?”
“Well not too bad but with it being both her and her sister it was kind of a bit much she thought for meeting you all for the first time.”
She actually moves and she comes down the hall and I know her from somewhere? Oh…wait she…I think she works at the movie theater here in town at the mall.
She looks at the stuff dad has and she slips by us and she comes out with a shirt. “You girls want a soda?’
Me I’m like…Yay girls! “Uhm no thank you.”
She motions for us to follow but she rushes down the hall to the kitchen and living room section and I hear her saying. “Here put a shirt on.” In a rushed whisper and there was definitely a guyish rumble-mumble going on there.
Becky’s looking like she’s embarrassed and I look at her and shrug. “I’ve all brothers this isn’t a big deal.”
“Yeah but your brother’s are actually kinds cute.”
Oh Yarf.
“No…no, no, rocketfulls of nope to the moon nope my brothers are not kinda cute.”
“I think they’re cute.”
“You…” And I point at her as we’re walking down the hallway. “…have not lived with them and haven’t had the great joys of life with twin boys having a as gross as we can eat so our poo smells super bad and our farts peel paint so no…and worse.”
“Worse? What would be worse?”
“The shower.”
Becky gives me this huh look.
I look at her. “Fifteen or twenty minute showers.”
She’s still not…I move my wrist.
She gets this look of revulsion on her face. “Eeew…eeew they don’t…do they?”
“What other scenario do teenaged guys go through a box of tissues each in a week and you go to use the garbage and their baggy of used…”
M.J. Adds. “Yeah that’s not snot.” And she does this gagging gesture.
Dad’s staring at us like why are you talking about this here?
Becky’s mother looks back at him and she grins. “It’s okay no shocker here I was the only girl in a house with two older brothers.”
She actually looks at me sympathetically.
We get to that sort of mixed room it’s like a captain’s kitchen that has a table nook in one corner with a counter and cupboards behind it like a sort of china hutch thingy and then there’s a wall that is more a place for the fridge and the stove and on the other side of that the sink with more cupboards and past all of that is the living room which is like that end of the trailer that you see with the big picture window and all.
I see her dad getting up from a recliner chair and he’s not what I was getting in my head as like the image…not that I had an image but it’s still kind of that whole expecting a mullet and him to be holding a beer thing. Instead he’s in track pants and bare feet and he’s got short hair and a nicely trimmed mustache and bit of beard going on or like a heavy scruff.
And he’s actually kind of cute ish?
He kind of looks like The lead singer from Train with shorter hair and scruffier but he’s got that sort of look.
And he must do like physical work because he’s got some real muscles on him.
He looks at Dad and they guyshake and there’s that tactile Guylepathy going on between them as they’re doing whatever mysterious thing that Men do when greeting and accessing other men.
I’m like lost about that because hockey or not all I’ve ever really been every able to do is like fake it.
And almost like he read my mind…Becky’s Dad looks at me and then at my dad.
“I thought you just had boys.”
Masks Chapter 42
*Before…
He looks at Dad and they guyshake and there’s that tactile Guylepathy going on between them as they’re doing whatever mysterious thing that Men do when greeting and accessing other men.
I’m like lost about that because hockey or not all I’ve ever really been every able to do is like fake it.
And almost like he read my mind…Becky’s Dad looks at me and then at my dad.
“I thought you just had boys.”
*And Now…
I’m staring at him and it suddenly really scary.
I honestly didn’t think this stuff through did I?
Dad…
“Nope, three boys and a scared shy daughter.”
Becky’s dad looks at me, looks at dad and there’s more Guylepathy going on and the tension’s really thick or it feels like it to me.
Becky’s like… “Dad…”
He’s like looking at me again.
Then he nods at me or dad I can’t tell which. “C’mon in…Becks the bedroom door stay’s open.”
I blush because well.
Even if no, he’s thinking that…
M.J. speaks up. “Wrong child sir, Becky thinks Stephanie’s brothers are cute.”
He makes a face.
I make a face.
Becky’s mom says. “Brothers are cute, Grant has a cute brother.”
Becky’s dad looks pained.
I try a shy smile.
I see him look at me again but I still can’t tell what he’s thinking.
“Rob you want a beer?”
“Naw I’m driving but I’ll have a coffee if that’s no trouble.”
I hear Becky’s mom hidden away in the kitchen. “I’m putting a pot on now, you guys come on down and you girls go have fun.”
I look at Becky and she takes us to her room as Dad sits and Becky’s dad sits and they do that sort of big guy sitting thing. You know where they just sort of sit lean but they just seem to be so big, like statutes of masculinity.
Yeah…Nope, I know that I can’t do that.
I’m not even sure if I can fake doing that.
We head down to Becky’s room which is really small compared to what I’m used to but it’s actually super cute and there’s so much here that is the me I wanted to be. To grow up like with the toys and there’s all these things like Polly Pockets, Barbies and some other dolls that look like Barbies but with like other clothes and some are native looking.
Her mom’s very not native looking so I’m thinking that Becky get’s it from her dad’s side.
“Are you and Rachel related?” M.J. asks.
“Cousins, we share a great grand mother.” She puts her book bag on the top of her bed then sits, it’s actually a bunk bed and she has it like a place for clothes, stuffies and her books and it’s kind of cool with like x-masy colored lights tucked up it the top and she has a sort of curtainy set up in the front and back too and lots of cushions which she’s tossing to us.
Mary Jane’s more used to this and takes two and she sits on the floor since that’s sort of like the only real space there in her room.
Well she has a small table with a chair shoved in under her window but pulling it out to sit would actually take up a lot of room.
I look at her ceiling and it has like all these tiny wire hooks but with like necklaces and earrings and stuff there for decoration but there’s also a few toys like Winxs there on fishing line? There’s also posters of like boys on the walls and things from magazines with stuff like Shawn Mendes and the band Fun and a poster for Beastly and The Hunger Games and Rhianna and Sixpence none the richer and then there’s this cool almost brocaded wall-paper and stuff.
“Cool room.” I say.
Becky grins. “Thanks, it’s totes too much I know and like small but I tried to like do stuff with it.”
I shrug. “Beats a boy’s room, I like this, you’ve got like real you history here.”
She looks at me. “Yeah…I don’t even like know how bad that sucked.”
I look at her. “It’s suffocating Becky, it’s like being buried alive sometimes with everyone you know only sort of seeing you and all these other people out there all saying everything you feel’s wrong or that you don’t feel the way you’re feeling.”
“Assholes.” She says and she moves and pulls me onto her bed and hugs me.
It’s pretty cool and it’s very boob-pressy and I might be a girl but I’ve not been like exposed to boobs like up close and touchy that much.
It’s just another thing that’s not there but it’s still kind of fun and it’s a girl friend as friends thing that just get’s better as Mary Jane joins us and we’re sort of doing this tickle thing which Becky started…and then we’re laughing and hugging then we’re all laying together sideways on her bed with out legs hanging off and staring up at the Christmas lights.
Becky’s like. “Thanks for being cool guys.”
I’m like… “Guys…boo, I’m not a guy.”
And she’s like…. “I know. It’s like just a figure of speech y’know.”
Mary Jane snerks… “Like y’know…totally just a saying.”
We all burst out laughing and giggling and we sort of kick our legs and shout. “Toa..tal..ly!”
Then we hear Becky’s dad. “What the fuck was that?”
Not like angry like but like he’s got no clue.
And we were silent for a second before we all burst out laughing.
It was such this whole cool space of time because the lights, the three of us, this whole tight girls together thing and it’s us so close together and holding hands and just being three girls.
And it feels good.
It feels weightless.
Masks Chapter 43
*Before...
I’m like… “Guys…boo, I’m not a guy.”
And she’s like…. “I know. It’s like just a figure of speech y’know.”
Mary Jane snerks… “Like y’know…totally just a saying.”
We all burst out laughing and giggling and we sort of kick our legs and shout. “Toa..tal..ly!”
Then we hear Becky’s dad. “What the fuck was that?”
Not like angry like but like he’s got no clue.
And we were silent for a second before we all burst out laughing.
It was such this whole cool space of time because the lights, the three of us, this whole tight girls together thing and it’s us so close together and holding hands and just being three girls.
And it feels good.
It feels weightless.
* And Now...
I sort of am listening to things out front like if Becky's dad might freak out and Mary Jane and Becky clue in and quiet down too for a few breaths and I hear my dad say. "That's the sound of three happy girls having fun."
" One of those screams was your..."
"My teenage daughter yeah."
"But you got to be freaked out a little."
"I didn't know and I didn't really get it but I looked stuff up."
"So you’re good with this?"
"Yeah especially when I got around to reading about it, about reading about stuff directly from what these kids are dealing with and live with all the time."
"What about what the church is going to say?"
"No offense but you don't look like you go to church any more than I do."
"Yeah well..."
"Is there a problem?"
"I just can't get my head around it."
"You're not supposed to it's her thing."
I hear Becky ' s mom say. "There’s no problem Rob, Stephanie is welcome here as much as all of the other girls are."
"Good, I just want what's best for her y’know she'll be getting enough for so much more flak with other people and flak."
I'm sniffing and my chest hurts in the best way and the girls are reaching out to me and we're hugging and grinning because this is a happy thing really and I feel safe.
Becky does this big sigh and she looks at me. “Wanna do make overs?"
"Oh definitely..."
Mary Jane says. "Me too, you have like great make up usually Beck."
She grins. "Well like no genius or anything with school things but I am like good at this."
I nod. "I so need not just like better game but like any game."
She laughs. “Well that I can at least help you with."
We get up and Becky turns on some Carly Ray and Avril and we're starting to sing along with Skater boy and we're doing the face scrubbing thing with numerous trips to the bathroom and then Becky ' s mom joining us with like sunshine floats for us.
A sunshine float is a creamcicle that's pulled off the sticks and is cut in like chunks like ice cubes and then put in like 7-Up.
They’re actually really good because the chunks get to this point when they go all smoosh into your mouth in a really good way.
It's a lot of fun too as we have the headbands out and we're pulling our hair back and doing these different looks and Dad and Becky's dad evacuate outside and they're doing something all manly and stuff because I see fire outside and this fire pit thing going and there’s a car with the hood open.
I am so not that kind of girl that kind of kid.
I'm not car girl or a shop girl...so not my thing, not that other girls can't do these things. I just really...nope lots of nope.
And I might be some stereotype or something but I want this...here...learning how to like blend foundations and how to work with the textures of my face...or contours or something all that stuff that's helping me to look like the real me.
It's like every new look there's this breath I get to exhale that's so like... "Hey me..."
I look good with a bit of foundation and this bit of brown at the top of my eyelid that gets blended to grey then a bit of blue mascara and blue eyeliner and even with like nothing hardcore I look pretty, and like seriously pretty really and like I have this look that's at least fifteen and like maybe sixteen if I had like the right body and everything.
But at the same time I don't want to be too invested with the older look stuff.
Sex so often comes with the older looking things and I just want to be like thirteen child I am thirteen because I think like Dad said and that's that I will likely be facing stuff more than I'll want to.
I want my girlhood.
With all these things like this.
This is super happy stuff for me.
Playing tunes, snacks and singing and doing hair and make-up and laughing and there’s jokes and taking about clothes and movies. Seriously Becky's mom knows her stuff and there’s like lots of stuff like Hunger Games, but The Importance of Being a Wallflower, The Fault in Our Stars...all these other things and like older must watches like Mall Rats and Trainspotting and all these classic films I don't really know.
Okay that's cool...Becky's mom has s job that she loves because it's so obvious that likes movies a lot and to me that so outweighs the whole getting a "Real job" thing that she must get a lot.
I mean I am really well off, but yeah things are like so much better when you're not doing something that you hate.
I want to do something I love though.
And that’s a big thing to think of, like what do I want to do and what will I be able to do.
That's a big fear really, people taking freak outs about me being trans.
I mean out's going to be a big thing. I know that there will be people that are going to be like real butt brains about it.
I mean I'm going to have to deal with the hockey team soon enough and there’s guys that are not cool with me. I mean Randy said as much. He's been a nice surprise really, he's the most popular guy in school and he could have been a real assbutt but he’s been cool all the way through do far as has some of the guys.
"Hello....earth to Stephanie where were you?" That's Becky.
"Oh, uhm I was just sort of thinking of the guys on the team."
"Oh really, who there's some really cute ones."
I make a face. "Noooooo...Like I told Lucy about all the guys in gym class. I have too much info, I've been there where they've been wiping."
That get a whole loud chorus of "Ooooh's..." and "Yick's"...and then we're looking at each other after that and it's another girls being girls moment and we burst out laughing and giggling hard enough that we can see dad and Becky's dad looking at the trailer.
And that's just awesome.
I am literally soaking up this stuff like a desert that's almost never seen rain.
I can feel it y’know me, them, us being just a bunch of girls...me bring part of this. And like a real part too not this aching wistful hurt that I've been burying all my life. It feels good, better than I could have dreamed about.
And I dreamed about it a lot.
When you like know, you know...and I was so just stuck between fear and hate and there was just...watching the other girls just get to be girls just hurt.
And the assbutts that don't believe that trans girls wouldn't trade it for all the negatives are wrong, dead wrong I would soooo take all the bad stuff.
But right now, this is that girls moments stuff, the stuff and experiences that are bonding it's that whole shared girlhood thing and...and I am actually not missing out.
We actually start riffing on guys with us talking about the behaviors they have, the grossness and the things like the scratching...and not just the deep scratching but the down the pants scratching and then touching stuff without washing their hands.
We burst out laughing when Becky's mom says. "You live with guys you're just going to have second hand ball contact...with everything you have pretty much."
We're still going off about stuff when we hear this engine roar to life and Becky's mom lets out a whoop of happy and she starts doing a victory dance. "I'm getting my wheels back, I'm getting my wheels back."
I can't help but smile too because I was here for this and it's a good thing and like all the good things connected with me is seriously stuff I want going on.
I actually help or offer to help in the kitchenette as she suddenly decides we need cookies and coffee as a guy’s reward and we make a fast cookie dough with lots of peanut butter and she's dumping movie theater popcorn in it and chocolate chips.
Oh holy moley they turn out good.
The trick is to not to put the popcorn in until last when the dough is all done and you mix it one good time and then bake them off fast before the popcorn gets soggy.
And you have peanut butter...chocolate...then salty and crunchy and buttery popcorn.
I only have one and a half... I share one with Mary Jane but Dad has three and Becky's dad has five and we get some for Mom and Aunt Elsbeth.
Dad says. "You girls get ready after you help clean up okay it's getting late."
"Okay Daddy!"
I get a look after I hug Dad and head inside and I hear Becky's Dad say. "Okay...I still don't get all of it but...that's your daughter of close enough that I'm done worrying about it. Besides...."
And Dad's like. "Besides? "
And Becky's Dad’s all... "Becky's had honestly brought worse friends over Rob, you and her are welcome over here like any time."
I can't help but be all grins and the girls are looking at and we we all yay cheer and happy dance into the kitchenette to clean up.
Masks Chapter 44
*Before…
The trick is to not to put the popcorn in until last when the dough is all done and you mix it one good time and then bake them off fast before the popcorn gets soggy.
And you have peanut butter...chocolate...then salty and crunchy and buttery popcorn.
I only have one and a half... I share one with Mary Jane but Dad has three and Becky's dad has five and we get some for Mom and Aunt Elsbeth.
Dad says. "You girls get ready after you help clean up okay it's getting late."
"Okay Daddy!"
I get a look after I hug Dad and head inside and I hear Becky's Dad say. "Okay...I still don't get all of it but...that's your daughter of close enough that I'm done worrying about it. Besides...."
And Dad's like. "Besides?”
And Becky's Dad’s all... "Becky's had honestly brought worse friends over Rob, you and her are welcome over here like any time."
I can't help but be all grins and the girls are looking at and we all yay cheer and happy dance into the kitchenette to clean up.
*And Now…
It’s actually really nice, doing all of this and cleaning up all together and stuff and even if the kitchenette is small and we’re sort of all over each other we’re doing it is a good way. Kind of a lot like how we were doing the make-over stuff in the bathroom earlier and that’s a lot of fun.
We all get ready to head out and Dad and Becky’s dad are doing the guy thing with the looks and the handshake thing and all that sort of like body language stuff that I fake all the time and everything.
I mean I get it but only sort of get it I can try and go through the motions and stuff but there’s no deep meaning that I can like get out of guydom.
Then we’re in the van and we’re headed home and Mary Jane looks at me. “Well that went better than it could have.”
I nod. “Honestly I was kind of on the edge of like scared and stuff.”
Dad looks over at me. “You still might run into people that won’t get you being you Steph.”
I nod. “I know, but it’s just not me Daddy. It’s never been me and it’s making me honestly feel sick.”
He looks at me. “I get that kiddo.”
It’s a really short drive home and Aunt Els is staying the night because mom and her rendered walking kind of not a good idea much less driving and M.J. and I walk over to her house to get some things for her and to make sure everything that’s off needs to be off and all that stuff before coming home and getting ready for bed.
I’m sleeping with Mary Jane.
Well she’s sleeping with me more like it and it’s like just us and it’s actually okay with Mom and Dad.
Mary Jane makes us hot chocolate and I actually get some stuff together for school along with Mark’s help who is packing and making things himself?
“Big date?”
He blushes some. “No I just thought that it’d be cool if I brought lunch for us both to eat at school?”
I nod. “Take one of the picnic cloths that mom has and eat outside.”
He brightens and he gives me a hug when I get them for him and he’s making salad with granola as the croutons and he is making chicken salad with a bit of deli ham and mustard and cheese and it’s sort of like a cordon-blue clubhouse? I show him to put paper towel in the containers so they soak up the extra moisture and all and then we both make dessert for our lunches and that’s just frozen mixed berries and jello and we spilt that and the salad he made and I take some mixed veggie like baby carrots and celery sticks and other nommy things snack on and I don’t do a dip because it’s messy and well it’s like possible lactose or nuts and stuff.
We pack it all up and I load the coffee maker and get a bowl beside it with another filter and more coffee to do a fast reload.
Mom’ll want coffee and so will Aunt Els.
Once that’s done it’s like late enough given it’s like a school night so I head to shower and stuff and get ready for the night with M.J. and we sort of make Will and Rob use the downstairs bathroom while we’re getting ready.
The fact that I can sort of do that kind of sort of makes me feel a little less dammit about my body compared to M.J.’s.
And I hate feeling like jealous of her because I know all of the shit she had gone through from like before.
But oh wow I want a body like that and I can never have it.
And she didn’t even get undressed or dressed in front of my but just seeing her in her sleepwear is still enough for me to feel the ow’s and those just freaking peachy dysphoria hits.
I shove it down and I shove it deep because Mary Jane is my best friend and I’m not going to make her feel bad. I am not those horrible girls that made her life so much hell.
We climb into bed together and there’s more than enough room because really I’m not all that big. As Steven, as a boy you kind of sort of learn this thing were you kinda seem big even if you’re not and to like take up space and everything.
Another thing I’ve always faked really I think that stuff like that is kind of innate to guys as like a territorial thing and that I never had.
Seriously being trans and not out is fake it to you make it. That scary crappy hope that maybe that somehow something you’re trying to do might click.
It like has to click because usually for a whole bunch of us transition doesn’t become like a thing. So if you don’t click with what you’re faking you’re living lies and in a lot of pain.
I don’t want to do that anymore, I’m not sure that I can do this anymore.
Mary Jane slides close to me and she hugs me. “Sorry.”
“Sorry about what?”
“Triggering you.”
“You didn’t.”
“Yeah then why’d you get quiet?”
“…………………”
She hugs me tighter.
(Sniffle.) “I don’t want to be like them M.J. I don’t want to be one of those jealous bitches.”
“You’re not, seriously Steph you’re not it’s like one thing for you to like feel this stuff and being trans it’s like natural really and everyone wishes they were like someone else sometimes but you’re not like those other girls that turned on me, you just don’t have it in you.”
“I’d rather an innie than an outie.” (Sniffle.)
She hugs me close. “I know, we’ll get through this together and stuff.”
It doesn’t take too long with that cleared up between us for us to fall asleep, it’s been a long day and even with the little ups and downs between Becky’s dad and him being scary and my little dysphoria hit and all the cool stuff with having Becky over and Mom and Aunt Els doing the poetry and the food and then going to Becky’s house and having fun.
I kinda wonder though as I’m drifting off do other trans girls sleep on their sides so they can tuck between easier, do they hold a pillow to their chest folded over or something like it to sort of feel like they have even if it’s in their sleep the right shape?
Are they never a boy in their dreams?
I don’t like remember all of my dreams but I get enough pieces over the years that I’m always a girl and sometimes there’s me changing into one and stuff but usually I’m just Stephanie and it’s like super, super simple stuff like me in a two-piece and moving right and my hair in a ponytail and I’m mowing the lawn or something only I’m doing it as like me.
Or shopping for clothes and it’s not the clothes it’s that shopping with nothing to feel like off about. I mean like how sad is it that shopping for clothes at the thrift store and not having to think about what you’re not or all the little stuff that you have to think about to dress and not be like that boy in the dress?
Those are like my dreams mostly.
When I wake up there’s little drifting clouds of me ta school and changing with all the other girls for gym and no one staring or saying anything and I was just me. Just plain ordinary Stephanie…it was nice.
And Mary Jane is all over the place in bed, she’d doing this kind of sprawl thing all over me and she’s not snoring but she’s really close to it and she’s in this super mess.
Wow…wow her hair.
Okay that I’m not jealous of.
I try and to dislodge myself and get clear and I was trying to be careful until I realized it’d take a freight train to wake her up and I get out of bed and head to the bathroom and I can smell breakfast going or at least the smell of toast toasting and the coffee maker going.
Dad…it has to be I can smell the bakery bought dark multigrain bread as its toasting and that’s something that’s sort of his trademark in the house. If it was mom you’d still smell toast but she’s more of a plain bread person.
I shower and then it’s putting myself away again and putting Steven in place all over again.
Just a little bit longer, this’ll be one less day no matter what happen after I come out at least I’ll be out.
I head to my room and get dressed and it’s not that I really hate the clothes, some of them are just clothes and girls can wear whatever. It’s just not my clothes and I don’t have the things that I wear as Steph so my shape is all wrong.
Mary Jane’s still out like a light and she actually moved to take up my space too and I head downstairs in my jeans and socks with my WE-day T-shirt on and I see Dad is up and the door to the deck is open and he’s making breakfasts which seems to be loads of toast for everyone and coffee but also he has like cast iron frying pans on the grill outside with ham and bacon going with something else.
I look at him. “Not working today?”
“Nope, not really it’s a drying day for the Clementine’s deck and I have some after lunch stuff and office time so I thought I’d step up and do the pro-dad thing and super husband thing this morning.”
“You kinda knocked the dad thing out of the park last night Dad.”
“Dad? Not Daddy?”
I shrug and then look at him and sort of wordlessly gesture up and down at my body looking like this.
He nods and he comes over and he gives me a really big tight hug which is hard to deal with and process the way I want to as Steven.
It’s like distorted.
Steven’s the funhouse like mirror of my life feeling included I guess.
I sigh hard and I do hug him back and I mumble into his side. “I’ll be so glad to be done this Dad; I’m so tired of faking it.”
He gives me this really super squeeze. “You don’t have to wait Steph, you can stay home until we get the therapy stuff sorted and then things with the school sorted and you don’t have to do this anymore kiddo.”
I push my face against him pretty hard. “I want to dad I do but I don’t want to get behind and I want my friends to know and to like maybe have some people there with me and on my side before it all comes out and stuff.”
“I know but we hate seeing you like this and you don’t have to do it Steph.”
“I want to try, I do.”
“Just remember if it gets too much you don’t have to do it.”
I nod and push away and go and get some coffee and it’s Mary Jane so double-double style and dad gets two travel mugs for coffee and he pours them full and does one for Mom and one for Aunt Els and toast. Mom’s is white bread with loads of peanut butter and for Aunt Els it’s a slice of multigrain with our pumpkin marmalade on it.
Pumpkin marmalade is like any marmalade with oranges only we have pumpkin pie spices in it and then there’s dried pumpkin in it but not like the dried chips but more like the whole fruit leather kind of stuff and the marmalade puts moisture back into it.
I like it because it’s chunky, and to me jelly can be smooth but I like jams and stuff to have really big chunks of things in it.
Like I said we do pumpkin here a lot because it’s the fall and Halloween and I still honestly think it’s because mom and dad went without as kids.
And I will admit it’s such a seasonal treat thing in our house now, pumpkin and pumpkin spice season just like when we have like the maple season when all the stuff from those places comes out in the stores or like even hunting season and Dad doesn’t hunt but he knows guys and there’s places that you can like buy stuff.
And Dad likes to buy that stuff because it helps people and it’s also like dude-manly.
I smile and I take the stuff to Mom and Aunt Els first and she’s like M.J. or sort of she was in that sort of coma state until mom shook her and she woke up pretty fast.
Mom woke as soon as I pretty much came in and she smelled the food and the coffee.
She smiled and she actually ate three bites of toast first before she took started in on her coffee.
“Thanks Steph.”
“Dad’s cooking it’s a varnish crew day.”
She two hands the mug and smiles. “Good, I like it when he’s like this.”
I nod. “It’s kinda cool that he likes to spoil you sometimes.”
She smiles some more and she drinks another mouthful. “There’s a lot of ways to say that you love someone but your dad’s always been good at it.”
Aunt Els nods. “I’m not the wife he really didn’t have to do anything for me. He’s just that kind of guy.”
I smile. “I think he’s pretty awesome too. I’d better get this coffee to Mary Jane so she has time to tame her hair.”
Aunt Els nods. “Yeah the curse of the curls.”
I leave them to their hangover recovery and I head to my room and take M.J. her coffee and it takes a shake or five to get her to open her eyes and I wave the coffee under her nose and she takes it and rolls over so she can drink some and she yawns and I play with her hair.
“I take back the jealousy stuff from last night, this is a mess.”
She gives me this grumpy look. “See told ya.”
I shrug. “You want help?”
“No, I got this I have a process and it’s all like shower related….you okay?”
“Nope, but I think that I can deal and stuff.”
“You sure?”
“Nope.”
I give her a kiss on the cheek. “But I haven’t had breakfast or coffee yet so I’m going to wait and see after my blood sugar and caffeine fix.”
She holds her hand out and I take it and pull her upright before I head out and back downstairs.
Dad’s got things on the table more and there’s another pot of coffee gurgling away in the perk and I can hear the guys are up and moving and stuff and I get a plate and a piece of toast with lots of the pumpkin marmalade on it and butter and then a little ham and a slice of the bacon not like too much stuff.
I still really like that he does it on the grill outside sometimes because he tosses in a few of the wood chips he uses for like regular BBQ and all of the stuff has that cooked over wood taste and with the heavy multigrain bread toast and the chunky marmalade it’s cozy kind of hug you food.
Mom’s like good at so much stuff in the kitchen and cooking but dad is great on the grill and he makes like killer breakfasts too.
I’m eating when Mark and Will and Rob come down and food swarm like locusts and it’s just scary how much they eat really. I don’t want to be like that, I don’t want the size or the weight and all that stuff that is still coming at me like a freight train.
I finish and go and get my things for school and then get my thermos for coffee and it doesn’t take that long before the current pot is drained between me and Dad and the boys and even with me making the thermos of coffee to take to school and stuff there’s another pot of right after that because I’ve just had one and so have the boys and there’s still M.J. and Mom and Aunt Els to come down.
Yes we drink a lot of coffee.
Yes I’m a teenager and I’m drinking coffee. It’s not even like uncommon here either and Mom and Dad would rather have me have a coffee than me being like so many other kids and buying pop.
That’s something that we really don’t have a whole lot of here in the house and I don’t drink it much either.
Way too much sugar.
I’m all ready and then everyone else is down and it’s the free for all that it is in the mornings sort of and Mary Jane looks great as usual but she’s still sort of in that not fully functioning but I’m awake and here thing by the time she and I are heading off to the bus stop.
Dad was making French toast for mom in the hot skillet on the grill with the bacon pan as we were leaving.
I’m halfway torn between wanting to be like that for someone and have someone doing that for me sometime in my life.
It’s just really cool.
The bus stop is peaceful without Rick there to be an asshole and a perv and it’s actually kind of nice to fit into that morning groove with the girls as we get picked up and I have coffee for refills in my thermos.
We end up picking up someone new.
It’s like at one of the regular stops because we have student cards and our bus route is actually merged with the town buses but he’s definitely new and he’s in really beat up sneakers and he’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt that’s for a bar/restaurant down by the lakeshore road called Drifters and a leather jacket that’s a bit too big for him and looks like it was passed down or something and he’s getting stared at a lot.
He’s cute, like pretty handsome cute and everything but that’s just not it or the fact he’s kind of tall and stuff but he has long shoulder length brown hair and the last like four inches of it are dyed green.
No one does that.
Okay some of the girls do stuff like that sort of; but none of the guys do something that just blatantly punk looking and this isn’t that done at home looking kind of thing either it’s like…like maybe Aunt Els might have done it or something.
He’s got hazel eyes too and I’m staring like everyone else as he shows his school ID pass to the bus driver and he gets on and he’s drinking coffee or something from one of those travel cups you see now that look like a coffee place cups and he passes all of us and.
Okay I was expecting that whole teen guy choke of aftershave or Axe but he doesn’t smell like that he actually smells like cookies and dyer sheets.
We’re still going and I miss out on a few things as he’s drinking and reading some hardcover book called Lioness Rampant and Mary Jane nudges me hard.
I look at her. “Huh?”
She and the girls are looking at me and laughing….and it kind of hits what I was doing and I turn red.
Holy cheese I was just checking out a boy.
When the heck did that start to happen?
Masks 45
*Before…
We’re still going and I miss out on a few things as he’s drinking and reading some hardcover book called Lioness Rampant and Mary Jane nudges me hard.
I look at her. “Huh?”
She and the girls are looking at me and laughing….and it kind of hits what I was doing and I turn red.
Holy cheese I was just checking out a boy.
When the heck did that start to happen?
*And Now…
Okay this sucks, being Steven and being teased because I’m looking at this guy with the weird hair and him just casually getting a bus seat and sitting in it crossways like the cool kids all do but with him it actually looks like he’s cool.
How?
Why?
(Mental Whine.)
And I am getting looks from the girls and there’s sort of those between girls teasing without talking things and I’m halfway between panic and blushing and I was never so glad to see Toni as when she gets on.
Goddess bless my lesbian friend.
Toni is looking at us and she has that look on her face like she knows something’s amiss and she look over the bus and she fixes in on the new guy and she looks at him and then she looks at the girls and then me and she plops down beside me.
“Wow, so it’s bad huh?”
I look at her. “I don’t know…it’s just like he’s and I’m all and he’s and it’s just…”
She nods. “What you’re describing is sort of like what I went through when I came out it was like all the girls I knew and all my like female cousins and stuff was like all. How do you know, it’s not like you were staring at us or you were like perving on us and I was like all eeeew…no…”
I’m looking at her. “Yeah but this isn’t like a gay thing…I don’t think it’s like a gay thing.”
Toni shakes her head. “No it’s like not that but it’s more like this is a cute guy…if you like guys and not just is he cute he’s not anyone you know. You have no associated levels of eeew about him.”
Omigawd that’s true, it’s like true I have never seen him be an asshole or gross or like doing anything that might have me have this whole pre-constructed thing about him in my head off of like stuff I know about the other guys.
The girls are nodding sagely like this was suddenly the most common knowledge in the world.
Toni looks at me. “I had zero clues to me being gay until I ended up going to camp and all of a sudden there were real gay girls around and there was all of these girls that I never really knew at all and there was none of that stuff with like the girls I knew between what I was feeling and it was all of a sudden zoink…whoa…I like girls.”
And I’m like.
“Oh wow my brain just sort of feels like it’s had a gas attack with all of this and now I’m like getting brain Eno and stuff.”
There’s giggles and laughter from the girls and it’s still kind of cool that we’re doing this and that I’m actually sort of semi out here.
I mean my friends all sort of know and the rest of everyone thinks that I’m gay and stuff so it’s like sort of okay.
Well it’s sort of not either since trans does like not equal gay but that’s something that I’m going to get like anyway.
I turn some in my seat to catch like another look at him and to sort of like maybe actually see what I am seeing and reacting too in a closer way and he’s looking up at me over the edge of his book or I think he is and I’m sort of stunned, shocked---caught.
Blush….oh, oh, oh what do I do.
I spin around from looking at him and the girls are all laughing and looking at me and at him and they’re definitely enjoying this took and M.J. is looking now and checking him out and she looks a little longer and she turns back.
“Okay you go good taste he’s a little punk looking and stuff but he kind of looks smart too and he’s sort of cute.”
Toni looks. “Nah he’s still a dude so he’s like not my type at all.”
Amanda says. “I like that he reads.”
Amber’s frowning. “Unless he’s a poser and like trying to act cool.”
That generates a whole other conversation within girldom that I have zero references to and that’s poser guys. Guy that sort of know what girls like in a guy with things like good looking and dressed but not like a trend follower and reads and yet looks like he might be strong and all of these other things that sound actually like cool things that a guy could be and should be and then there’s this whole thing that there’s all sorts of these guys that will just pretend to be those things to go out with a girl to fool her enough into like using her.
“Wait…wait what? Wouldn’t that actually take more energy to like fake than just actually be that kind of person or like change into that kind of guy that you like want to be?”
Oh… apparently I’m right and it is and would be easier and yet guys are choosing not to actually be that “better man” but just still act like it and be douches.
It’s this whole frustration thing that I’m just learning about and apparently now there’s this list of a bunch of guys in school some of them I know and some I’ve only heard off with most of them being older and stuff but that’s apparently part of it too…older guys are like supposed to be more mature but they are still just acting like it and a whole lot of the time it’s like just for sex.
Okay my dad’s cool and I’m actually getting better with The twins but there’s just part of me that is right sort of there in how wrong that bullshit these guys is.
And I’m not saying too much because it’s like really super new to me and stuff.
Yes I say and stuff and like a lot, I’m a teenager so SBNS.
The best thing about this though is the fact that I’m being treated like one of the girls about this whole new topic and I’m not really being left out but instead I’m sort of on that part of it all but sort of on the rim with it like Toni is and that’s okay.
But Rachel and M.J. and some of the other girls have really, really met some like really bad dudes, guys…boys…no creeps.
It’s good but I still really, really want to be me with this whole like bonding moment.
We’re pulling into school and we get off the bus and we’re heading to our usual things we got to do before class and the girls nudge me and the guy’s right behind me and he’s looking at me and I’m looking at him and he’s passing me my wallet.
“Hey you dropped this miss.”
Miss.
Miss!
Like really for real!?
I take it from him really gingerly and slow and put it in my book bag and he smiles at me some. “So which way to the office?”
Toni pushes me a little. “They’ll show you….?”
“Greyson.”
Oh…okay, that’s just.
He does the whole after you arm thing and I swallow and go leading him to the office my head still really after the whole miss thing and we just clear our first hall when I hear Elizabitch say.
“Miss!? Dude’s not a girl he’s a faggot! You might want to ask someone else?”
Greyson looks at her and he stops and lifts his foot and stares at the bottom of his shoe. “Wow…that was so hate filled and small minded and bigoted that I actually felt like I stepped in something.”
He’s staring at her with this unmasked look of contempt and Elizabeth looks shocked like someone slapped her.
He moves and looks at me. “I’m not putting you out of your way am I?”
I swallow. “Uhm…no…no this really, really isn’t that big a deal.”
He smiles and I feel it.
Like the whole butterflies thing from those guys and stuff that happened at the rink that time.
And I feel breathless too.
I blush and that actually makes him smile more and I look down and cough before looking back up at him.
“Okay it’s like this way.”
“Cool.”
Yep…he kinda is.
He called me miss.
And he hasn’t like apologized for it or anything either.
I don’t know what to do about that or say but…
Maybe, maybe I don’t want to.
I kind of want to like bask in this…just for a while please?
Masks 46
*Before…
He does the whole after you arm thing and I swallow and go leading him to the office my head still really after the whole miss thing and we just clear our first hall when I hear Elizabitch say.
“Miss!? Dude’s not a girl he’s a faggot! You might want to ask someone else?”
Greyson looks at her and he stops and lifts his foot and stares at the bottom of his shoe. “Wow…that was so hate filled and small minded and bigoted that I actually felt like I stepped in something.”
He’s staring at her with this unmasked look of contempt and Elizabeth looks shocked like someone slapped her.
He moves and looks at me. “I’m not putting you out of your way am I?”
I swallow. “Uhm…no…no this really, really isn’t that big a deal.”
He smiles and I feel it.
Like the whole butterflies thing from those guys and stuff that happened at the rink that time.
And I feel breathless too.
I blush and that actually makes him smile more and I look down and cough before looking back up at him.
“Okay it’s like this way.”
“Cool.”
Yep…he kinda is.
He called me miss.
And he hasn’t like apologized for it or anything either.
I don’t know what to do about that or say but…
Maybe, maybe I don’t want to.
I kind of want to like bask in this…just for a while please?
*And Now…
I get Greyson to the office and introduce him to the clerk there. She’s not really a secretary even though it’s like sort of the job but really I’m pretty sure that kind of stuff got changed because she was like running the office.
He looks at me and I look at him and it’s just.
Then he smiles. “See you around?”
“Uhm yeah sure okay.”
I feel sooo tongue tied.
And it’s really embarrassing.
I leave and I move to catch up with the girls before class and I don’t really make it because they’re in the girls bathroom and I’m…wow…just wow this sucks really, really hard.
I want to be in there with them and talking about Greyson and stuff but the bell is ringing and I end up having to go to homeroom and that’s just great because things with missing them and out on that one little thing just.
I feel that lead weight settling on and over me.
The one saving few seconds happen when M.J. comes over and she gives me this concerned look and she slips in beside me.
“You okay? I heard what Elizabitch said.”
“Yeah…it’s…it’s not that.”
“What’s up then? You kinda look pretty bad.”
I look at her and look around and it’s sort of not really safe because well Mary Jane is super good looking and people stare at her and at the same time in class like this and like closed quarters people can like overhear things.
“Just…stuff, missed you girls before the bell.”
I sit down and she does too and she’s giving me a worried look all the way through morning start up and stuff.
Right now even “in all our sons command” in O’ Canada just stings and I actually usually like our national anthem.
Then we’re off to classes.
I’d like to say that lots of stuff happened and all of that but they just kinda went past in an achy blur of dysphoria until break that actually stings again when the bell rings and there’s the rush for ten o’clock break and of course there’s the girls going to use the bathroom.
I’m right on the edge of that left out drop off again when a hand appears in front of me with a folded over set of napkins and cookies with nuts and white chocolate chips in them and I look and it’s Greyson.
“Careful they’re hot.”
Blush.
I take them and they are hot and I see him looking at me and I’m looking at him and it’s just.
Well I don’t know what it is but it’s very, very…I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like he’s one of the guys that I know.
This feels way more girl and boy.
I take a bite out of one of the cookies and it tastes like the whole brown sugar based chocolate chip cookie dough mix but white chocolate chips and then there’s the whole nuts in it and they’re actually these white, white nuts that are in pieces about the size of hazelnuts but are like totally different.
“Mmm…what are these?” They’re really good too and he microwaved them or something because they’re warm.
I’m actually headed still into the cafeteria because the girls will be there and well there’s coffee too.
“White chocolate and macadamia nut.”
“Ohhhh I’ve heard of these, they’re like Pepperidge farms or something?”
He shrugs. “My mom gets them at Cost Co. in big containers.”
“Well they’re quite yummy.”
I blush.
Holy moley I’m still in guy mode and I said yummy.
But he just nods and actually opens the door for me as we come into the cafeteria. I mean it’s not like he did this whole sweeping grand guy gesture of doing it but he still did it and I’m blushing even more and he really doesn’t seem to like notice or something?
I see the girls and they’re looking at me and they look at him and they almost wave us over.
Oh my goddess I can see their eyes lighting up and the wheels of Barbie’s corvette starting to turn.
He looks at me and them and then at me and he shrugs and he heads over to get one of the tables and stuff and I get my thermos and go with him and I hear Toni squeak “the coffee!” and I sit with him and we’re sort of getting a few looks and it’s mostly because he’s the new guy and then again there’s also the rumors about me being gay.
I think he’s getting painted with it because of me.
“Uhm…Garrison?”
“Mmmph?” he says way too cutely through a mouthful of cookie.
“You know a lot of people here think I’m gay.”
“Are you?”
“No…I don’t know…I mean that’s like a really complicated question.”
He nods. “Soooo true.”
I look at him questioningly.
He looks at me and he shrugs. “I’m not like thick.”
“Oh I never meant that and stuff, it’s just.”
“It’s just we’re getting all sorts of looks and stuff and you’re actually a nice person unlike the girl over there that’s staring daggers at you.” He pauses… “Is she drinking Starbucks?”
“Likely, her folks are well off and that sort of well of that apparently doesn’t come with the lessons of how to like not rub what you have in the faces of other people.”
He nods. “Knew some kids like that, they were all sort of like their parent all these fake people living in like there nice big subdivision houses that honestly they couldn’t really afford and running like super bills so like when the parents weren’t like away they were spending cash to like keep up with each other.”
“Yuck.”
He passes me another cookie and I pass him a coffee and there’s a whine from Toni and she’s getting shoves from Mary Jane and the other girls.
He looks at them then at me. “They can like join us right they know that?”
“They think something cute is going on so they’d like rather die than bust in right now.”
He has this smile. “So should we go over to them then and put your coffee jonesing friend out of her misery?”
“Oh yeah that’s Toni she’s pretty great.”
“She looks pretty different. “ He says very diplomatically. Toni is very Lolita dressing in that sort of anime styled way and it’s really different and if she was a white girl she might get a lot of flak for it but we’re pretty white here and she’s a black girl and there’s not a whole lot of people of color here that aren’t like Korean or Hindu or Pakistani in the area and there’s a few natives but we’re not really one of those towns that has a black community.
And because of that people don’t know how to treat Toni in being like racist of something.
Now here getting flack because she’s a lesbian is like a totally different story.
We are possessed of just enough assbutts like Elizabitch that we have homophobe pretty much down.
I smile at him. “You know if you feed her coffee you’re going to get claimed by her in some way.”
He grins. “Oh I think I can deal with that.”
I shrug and get up. “Okay…you want to meet my friends; you get to meet my friends. On your head be it.”
I lead the way with him laughing behind me. “Oh I’m going to like you girls.”
You…girls…was that including me?
Was he?
How?
Does he know?
Does he see through this mask that I’m wearing?
Are there people that can do that?
Masks 47
*Before…
I smile at him. “You know if you feed her coffee you’re going to get claimed by her in some way.”
He grins. “Oh I think I can deal with that.”
I shrug and get up. “Okay…you want to meet my friends; you get to meet my friends. On your head be it.”
I lead the way with him laughing behind me. “Oh I’m going to like you girls.”
You…girls…was that including me?
Was he?
How?
Does he know?
Does he see through this mask that I’m wearing?
Are there people that can do that?
*And Now…
I’m a bit sheepish coming over with Greyson and they’re all looking and grinning as we come over.
“Girls...this is Greyson, Greyson this is the girls...uhm…”
They all start introducing themselves and he actually starts shaking hands which I think wins him points with Amber and Rachel and Mary Jane too when he’s not greeting her boobs but her.
He get’s further points by sharing food.
Then we’re talking about Elizabitch because well...Greyson just had to ask when he seen her coming in with her little entourage. “So what the hell is with her?”
It starts with the near universal eye-rolls from us and if there’s one thing that gets us going it’s that part where we’re reciting her whole lists of preppy-offences.
The cabs to school everyday and acting like it’s a limousine.
Getting take out delivered to her the same way.
And actually as we’re going off on that we’re literally watching her and her entourage getting stuff from Starbucks from the cab and then they’re catwalking it showing everything off.
From clothes to make-up, to just everything.
And y’know I hate being so mad at this and so shallow at being so jealous but part of me is. Because not just the way that they’re flaunting stuff but how they get to be so girl...even if they’re shitty people.
Parts ache that I don’t have with longing as they strut through the place sucking on their straws and leaving a trail of pumpkin spice vapors.
It’s hard not feeling hard about them being them everyday and me not being me at all.
But there’s not much I can do about any of it right now so it’s just watch them just strut.
It…
It just feels like so much of stuff is just waited or taken for granted like by girls like Elizabitch.
I really shouldn’t call her that.
Greyson looks at me leaning over. “Last cookie.”
I blink because I was kind of out of it there for a minute. “Sorry what?”
“Do you want the last cookie?”
“Uhm...sure?”
I take it but there’s this smile in his eyes there when I do and just this overall friendliness that has me blushing.
I eat but look at him. “You know that people are going to think you’re gay or something hanging out with me.”
He shrugs putting the container away. “Like I care, It’s like not the dark ages and people are out and coming out all over the place.”
“Not here, not really.”
He looks around and says. “Ten percent.”
I ask him around me trying to catch bits of crumbling cookie. “What?”
“Ten percent of folks I read somewhere where some place on the gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans and all that stuff.”
“Pan?” I ask that because him mentioning trans gave me like a mini heart attack.
“Pansexual, it’s like where you just sort of find the folks attractive and don’t care a fig about orientation or like their gender and stuff.”
I look at him. “How’s that not Bi?”
He watching the other kids. “Bi folks sort of kind of go for the norms, either or not all of them but the like two ends of things and not so much the in between stuff.”
I shrug and say honestly. “I don’t get it but that’s kinda what I was told in therapy.”
Toni pipes in. “Therapy?”
Greyson makes a face. “My dad’s idea. He was great until I broke up with my girlfriend and dated Sean.”
Toni nods. “My folks too plus internal racist homophobia.”
We’re both looking at her and she kills her coffee then she say pulling air quotes with her hands. “You can’t be gay, we’re black.”
He’s laughing and nodding. “Uh-huh like dad freaking out when I dated Betty Stonehouse, she was three grades ahead of me and our infamous tranny kid.”
I winch. “I hate that word.”
I get looks sort of from my friends and they’re not bad, they’re not even surprised looks not even from Amber or Amanda. Heck Amanda didn’t even look up from her phone.
Actually Lucy’s looking at me and her eyes were big and she has both hands over her mouth and she red as a beet.
Greyson just nods. “Me too but that was the sort of attitude dad and some of the kids at school had. He was really less than happy when I came out in therapy as Pan.”
Toni nods. “H’yup.”
I’m still looking at Lucy who slowly lowers her hands and takes one of mine. I take her’s and we squeeze ours together.
I ask her. “You okay with this?”
Lucy’s nodding. “I’m just happy...I’m never with the okay kids, just alone or with the bullies all around me.” She bites her lip. “I feel like safe, I never had that in school.”
Amanda still texting says. “You’re still not safe, Toni will hit on you and I’m an axe murderer.”
She does the sniffly smile. “I’ll take my chances.”
Toni hug/leans on her sitting beside her. “Welcome to Kimba corner.”
Greyson’s laughing but the rest of us don’t get it and then the bell’s ringing.
We all finish our things and get up grabbing books and packs and we all head to the halls and this time...this time I’m not all alone as the other girls are doing the last minute bathroom thing before second bell.
I look at Grayson who’s looking at me.
I say. “Thanks for the cookies and for like other stuff today.”
He nods and offers me some gum as he’s popping two tabs free. I take some and he looks me over.
“Y’know even not out, you kinda make a cute butch girl.”
I almost choke on my gum.
“What?”
Grayson looks at me. “I think you’re cute, and I kinda want to let you know before everyone else knows if you come out.”
“What why?”
“Because, I want to ask you out when you’re ready.”
“............”
Mary Jane is suddenly there. “In town date or like out of town date?”
Grayson looks surprised too.
I manage to squeak out an. “M.J.!”
He’s looking between us and he says. “I thought she was cute on the bus so yeah anything she’s good with.”
Mary Jane says. “Friday night?”
“Sure, I’m pretty sure mom’ll be good with it.”
My mind’s still running in wait! What! Circles with him saying her thought me...She...was cute on the bus.
Me...She...her…
They were still talking when second bell goes off and I’m just still pretty much super shocked and all.
He’s headed off looking at his school map and I’m looking at Mary Jane.
“What just happened?”
She looking smug hands...well fingers sort of hooked into her faux pockets and says.
“You my girl might just have a date for Friday night.”
I’m staring at her and she slips in and gives me a one armed hug.
“Not bad girl he’s pretty cute.”
I…
A date.
I’m not sure I’m even into guys but a date...to sort of feel...possible...like things and good things could happen for me.
M.J. passes me some tissues as I’m smiling and crying all of a sudden.
Masks 48
*Before…
Mary Jane is suddenly there. “In town date or like out of town date?”
Grayson looks surprised too.
I manage to squeak out an. “M.J.!”
He’s looking between us and he says. “I thought she was cute on the bus so yeah anything she’s good with.”
Mary Jane says. “Friday night?”
“Sure, I’m pretty sure mom’ll be good with it.”
My mind’s still running in wait! What! Circles with him saying her thought me...She...was cute on the bus.
Me...She...her…
They were still talking when second bell goes off and I’m just still pretty much super shocked and all.
He’s headed off looking at his school map and I’m looking at Mary Jane.
“What just happened?”
She looking smug hands...well fingers sort of hooked into her faux pockets and says.
“You my girl might just have a date for Friday night.”
I’m staring at her and she slips in and gives me a one armed hug.
“Not bad girl he’s pretty cute.”
I…
A date.
I’m not sure I’m even into guys but a date...to sort of feel...possible...like things and good things could happen for me.
M.J. passes me some tissues as I’m smiling and crying all of a sudden.
*And Now…
I wipe at my eyes and look at her and we start walking to class.
“He thinks I’m a girl.”
She looks at me. “Durr you are.”
“Yeah but I’m not a properly equipped one. It’s not right…”
“You think we should tell him? We don’t know him yet.”
“And yet you signed me up on a date with him?”
“We’ll double.”
I look at her. “You’re not seeing no one?”
“I’ll ask Toni.”
There’s a loud girl-Homer “Whoo-hoo!” behind us.
Okay I can’t help but to laugh at that.
I’m distracted all the way through classes as I can’t help but to think about Grayson and like all the stuff that he’s said today, all the things that he’s done today and I’m just literally sighing over some of it.
It’s crazy hard not to girl out over this and just hold all these feelings and parts of me under this mask I gotta wear.
I mean it.
Crazy hard.
And getting picked up by Dad and heading over to practice was just kind of pushing my dysphoria buttons.
I really didn’t want to deal with all of that with everything going on in my head and everything and going to where the team was and going into the locker rooms and getting changed with the boys was extra uuugh!
I could not internally eyeroll any harder.
Like seriously.
Guys, and the stank...and farting...really, really bad farting.
And they talk about the girls and stuff.
It’s hard when you’re sort of friends with some of the girls that they’re talking about.
And when my friends come up and M.J.
“Hey guys knock it off those are my friends and Mary Jane’s my cousin for eff’s sake.”
A couple of the guys have at least the manners to look abashed some and a few just stay quiet but there’s a couple that are giving me looks.
Troy Whittaker gives me this hard stare as he pulled on his gear faster. “Just because you’re a gay that doesn’t mean you get to police my language cuck.”
“I’m not, and stop being an asshole.”
“I’m not an asshole, I’m just a straight guy.”
“Sure dude.”
We stare at each other and the other guys notice and he does this like aggressive shrug of his shoulder and pads and growls a little as he leaves.
Randy and Tommy look at me as they come past to head out to the ice. “You okay?”
“Yeah I take it he’s not one of the team that’s okay with it?”
Tommy nods. “Yeah sorry we’re trying to talk to him, we don’t want the team to have a bad rap.”
I nod. “I get that and I’m all for it, heck I’m on the team and there’s going to be people like me on other teams too.”
Randy nods. “Yeah we’ll talk to the guys again.”
I smile and get my heavy jersey on. “That’s cool guys, thanks. I can’t believe he actually said A gay.”
We actually are laughing about that as we head out and I suppose it’s a little mean girl in a way but we and some of the others don’t really let that slide and kept bringing up him saying A Gay.
But it was still just a mess inside.
Seeing the figure skating girls all together, in their gear and the sweats over some of that with their cute coats and hair in ponytails and all together talking and having hot chocolate while watching us and talking.
I like hockey, but I feel even heavier than ever.
All that gear, all that armor, all of that hiding me even more than before...more than I noticed before.
And like Nick was super quiet too and was really avoiding me and well he...she...they? I mean the intersex stuff just what pronouns do I use?
But yeah stuff here just had this vibe of stuff going on with them.
His dad was on him again at practice yelling and pushing him to “Skate harder!” and “Man up dammit!” and swearing when he’d miss shots.
Any time we got close his dad would shout his name.
If we had to play close together like it’d likely have been an issue with the coach and it’s likely going to be if this keeps up as the coach was like looking soooo like done.
But that didn’t happen today.
And it threw me off and it certainly threw the team off some and it was even tenser in the changing room.
Then there’s getting out and seeing the girls out on the ice.
And it aches because i want to be out there and I have a set of the skates.
I get a hot chocolate and I watch and not just watch but I clap some when someone does a good trick and that gets a few others doing it that were watching too.
That gets a few smiles from the girls who usually don’t have a lot of people watching other than family and coaches unless it’s like a competition.
I ache because I want that to be me.
That should be me, should’ve been me and just able to do stuff like this and be happy and cute and pretty as bad as all that sounds and not have to stress about never being those things.
Hey I know girls have self image stuff and that’s a huge deal but I’d just love to be even that...free.
I just...I want the mask off.
I don’t flipping play goalie.
Dad was talking with some of the other parents again and the coach and he comes over and he’s looking at me.
“Bad day?”
I nod. “Can we go?”
He nods. “This sounds bad.”
I get my bag and shoulder it and grab my stick and we head out to the van. “I just feel bad Dad, I feel just too damn heavy and it’s sinking all the way inside.”
He’s quiet as we get in the van and before we do he comes over and he hugs me.
“I’m sorry kiddo, I am I wish I had the words to make it better.”
I shove my face into his jacket.
“This helps Daddy, it helps.”
He hugs me a lot tighter which helps too and we’re like that for a little while and the other parents are driving out and that sort of gets us moving.
Dad tries though...he digs out a brand new air freshener for the van and it’s a pumpkin spice one and he cranks up the heater too and has the XMF radio switched over to something up to date and we drive out and head for home.
I huddle in my own jacket trying to get warm past the funk inside but it’s hard for it to seep past and everything.
It helps and everything but I was just kinda...quiet and looking out the window all the way home.
God...just.
I take out my stuff and my books and head to the back porch area and I toss in the clothing bits to wash and I start using febreeze and stuff on my pads and my skates and I use my wheeler stone to touch up the blades and then just a shot of 3-in-1 oil and I rub/oil polish the blades.
I’m doing that maybe a little too long but there’s something meditative about it or something like that the polishing and cleaning and it takes a little bit for me to clue in and see that Mom’s there.
She looks down at me. “Ouch.”
And that and just the look on her face it just, just has me crying right off the start.
And she sits down with me and she pulls me in and she holds me.
“It’s okay Steph, it’s okay mom’s got you.”
I wasn’t planning on hurting today like this it just up and jumped me.
Dragged me down and mugged me.
I wasn’t planning on hurting so much I ended up bawling.
I haven’t bawled, really bawled since I was little and that was like getting physically hurt this actually feels worse.
Like it’s deeper.
And I actually lost it.
Cried so hard that I lost track of stuff and I wake up in mom’s den/workspace with some old girl rock stuff I don’t know playing and Mom’s there and so’s Mary Jane and Aunt Els.
We’re all in this weird nest with the couch she has pushed together cushion to cushion with the two matching love seats and there’s pillows and blankets and quilts all over us and Mary Jane’s hugging me pressed tight to my back.
I can’t help but sniffle as I’m waking up from crying and everything.
Mom’s in front of me and Aunt Els has her just like M.J. has me and when I open my eyes I’m looking into my mom’s and there is just so much there.
So much hope and love and caring… and there’s this connection too.
Like this...this whole thing is one of those things that moms and daughters only have.
I’m still in guy drag, still haven’t changed yet and I feel right now so much like me.
I can hear the guys in the kitchen and smell supper being cooked and their music playing out there.
“I’m sorry...I...I’m sorry everyone, I don’t want to be like this...I don’t want to be like all hurting and needing and messing everything up.”
Aunt Els laughs lightly. “Oh babe, you’re not messing up, you’re just being a girl…”
Mom finishes. “Stuff like this happens to all of us sometimes Stephanie.”
Mary Jane puts her chin on my shoulder. “You haven’t see me hit bottom yet, seriously this, this is like just normal.”
(Sniffle.) “Normal...I could do normal.”
We sit there for a few more minutes and Mom smiles at me. “The guys are cooking maybe you might want to get cleaned up and out of your boy clothes.”
I nod and couple of times. “Yeah...yeah that actually sounds pretty good right now.”
We move and M.J. helps me up and over the rearranged furniture and we head upstairs to my room.
The food smells good coming from the kitchen with a heady blast of italian herbs and garlic cooking.
Dad used to work at a pizzeria when he was a teenager for a while and he knows all sorts of things that are really, really good.
It’s actually a relief as i get to my room and it’s MY room, it’s Stephanie’s place finally.
I grab my shower things and Mary Jane grabs my robe for me and some of my towels and we head off to the bathroom together.
I get undressed right down to my underwear and I slip into the shower and then toss those out with a foot.
Part of me wants to shower with something on over it.
I crank on the water good and hot but as high as I can too so I’m being blasted with the water pressure and I start to scrub. Lots of body wash and I’m generating an almost dangerous amount of suds as I’m showering and trying to scrub all the sweat and all of the guy off.
Mary Jane put on some tunes some how and it’s helping since it’s pretty much girl music.
She’s singing along to *My best friend’s Hot*…? I don’t know the band but a girl lead singer and it’s really, really catchy and I find myself cheering up as we go from that to Carly Rae’s *I really like You* and some Taylor Swift I have heard and then some others that are just fun and good to sing and bop to.
I’m sure that i really don’t need to but I take the Veet and give myself a smoothing over just because it feels right in my brain right now.
I turn the water off and I’m in this whole scented cloud of steam and M.J. passes me my lotion and a smaller towel that I dry with and then a bigger beach towel that I wrap around me and then my panties.
I feel better, a lot better and a lot more like a living breathing human girl like this and Mary Jane helps me get ready with my hair back on and then I put on a little bit of make-up just because I want to even though it won’t be on all that long and the biggest thing for me is my few shots of deodorant.
I hate smelling like a guy.
Hate it because it’s like this really visceral reminder of my body and how it’s wrong right now.
I feel better and I get changed pretty simple in a scoop necked pink tee and yoga pants and slip on flats.
I’m back.
And after this weekend I’m here to stay, to get out of the mask that I’ve been wearing and start living my life before nature messes me up even further.
And that’s actually got me feeling better.
Like I can feel the momentum of me starting to build up.
It’s a heck of a nice feeling.
I’m not a slob so I grab the spray and wash magic bubbles stuff and give everything a wipe after I’ve used everything and dump the towels into the hampers before heading downstairs.
Oh my it’s like walking down into a cloud of Italian smells.
I smell garlic bread.
We make excellent garlic bread with big inch thick slices of homemade bread or like bakery bread and Dad or in this case Will is frying the bread in real butter that has real bits of garlic in it from a garlic press and then it’s set out to drain off on paper towel and Rob’s making bechamel sauce under Dad’s watchful eye.
See when we’re making ours we give the fried bread a spread of the bechamel and the fry keeps it from getting soggy and then lots of mozzarella is put on top and it’s melted in the over.
Sounds like heaven right?
Oh it so is.
Then there’s Italian pickles which are like just long beans and carrots, really young turnips and other things but Dad makes a brine of lots of garlic and some fresh oregano and even adds Italian store bought salad dressing to them before they get pickled.
Then a few cold cuts all as like starters and then there’s a really big salad and that’s got stuff we don’t usually have in it like fennel and rough chopped fresh herbs and Dad actually will do this thing with thin, thin slices of lemon with peeling and all that he tosses with the fennel fronds and pepper and that is in the salad too with like yellow zucchini plus there all the standard stuff like lettuce and celery and tomatoes all that stuff.
And because it’s october and Halloween is still coming we have like roasted pumpkin ravioli and the main pasta dish is a big, big pan of lasagne with it being the heavy meat dish with like layers of ground beef and a layer of ground pork with a very liberal mixture of italian spiced sausage meat cooked really crispy, and well there’s lots of green it it too with loads of spinach and another layer of broccoli rabe and loads of ricotta in in instead of cottage cheese.
Oh yeah a lot of food but there’s four pretty big guys plus me and Mary Jane and Mom and Aunt Els so we’re not a small group of people and we like always cook for leftovers.
It’s great to get smiles from them all when Mary Jane and I make it down and that helps too.
Mark offers me a bit of a piece of just fried bread he’s been eating.
“You feeling better? Everyone said you were pretty down.”
I eat and between chewing and swallowing little bites I nod. “Yeah, hockey practice was hard, just being at the rink was kinda hard today.”
He gives me a hug. “Well I’m glad you’re feeling like you again. You’re not the same when you’re trying to be Stephen.”
Okay...okay that was really nice to hear.
“Trying to be?” I ask.
Mark nods. “Yeah trying and failing, after starting to get to know my little sister, you are usually in shades to tolerating it to miserable in boy drag.”
I give him a hug and a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks Mark that actually helps a lot.”
He smiles. “As long as you’re feeling better sis.”
Then Mary Jane says out loud as we’re all gathering at the table.
“Oh she’s feeling better she has a date with a boy for Friday night.”
I’m like. “M.J!!!”
And everyone just stopped doing everything and they’re all staring at me.
*Before…
It’s great to get smiles from them all when Mary Jane and I make it down and that helps too.
Mark offers me a bit of a piece of just fried bread he’s been eating.
“You feeling better? Everyone said you were pretty down.”
I eat and between chewing and swallowing little bites I nod. “Yeah, hockey practice was hard, just being at the rink was kinda hard today.”
He gives me a hug. “Well I’m glad you’re feeling like you again. You’re not the same when you’re trying to be Stephen.”
Okay...okay that was really nice to hear.
“Trying to be?” I ask.
Mark nods. “Yeah trying and failing, after starting to get to know my little sister, you are usually in shades to tolerating it to miserable in boy drag.”
I give him a hug and a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks Mark that actually helps a lot.”
He smiles. “As long as you’re feeling better sis.”
Then Mary Jane says out loud as we’re all gathering at the table.
“Oh she’s feeling better she has a date with a boy for Friday night.”
I’m like. “M.J!!!”
And everyone just stopped doing everything and they’re all staring at me.
*And Now…
I can’t help it I’m blushing and I’m as blushing as I was when Greyson was flirting with me.
And it’s not like I can hide either though I’m looking at everyone at the table and I’m a little scared too.
I’m looking right at Dad the most and he has this look on his face.
Then he says. “A date?”
Mary Jane nods. “With a boy, a cute one.”
Dad looks at her then at me.
“A date...with a boy?”
Mom says. “That’s the usual way dates go with boys and girls honey.”
Dad looks at me again and he looks at Mom and he gestures at me. “A Date, Stephanie’s too young to be dating!” He sounds way more concerned than mad. “You know what teenage boys are like.”
Mark is looking at me. “So where are you two going?”
I’m still sort of floored.
Part of me was kind of scared that this would be like the thing that tipped Dad’s tolerance of stuff going on with me.
“We were thinking a group date, going to the mall and the movies.”
Mary Jane nods. “I’ll be going to and I have a date with Toni.”
Mom waves dad off. “A group date honey see, they’re being safe.”
Dad sputters. “She not ready!”
Mom says. “And neither was I or you, none of us were ready to start dating and we were really bad at it.”
Dad’s all like. “But...but…”
Mom kisses him leaning over the table and she does this this where she is literally sort of petting his beard scruff. “And I love your butt honey it’s cute.”
Dad looks at me and does this heavy sigh. “Okay but I’m driving you kids. I want to meet this guy and I want to meet Toni again too.”
Mom grins and gives me a thumbs up behind Dad’s back and sits back down and grabs some more salad or rather cleans it up from being leftovers and she asks M.J. “Isn’t Toni the little black lesbian girl?”
Mary Jane nods. “Yeah she’s the anime and lolita fan.”
Mom nods. “That’s the asian cartoon and comic stuff. I’ve seen it around.”
Mary Jane nods. “Yeah I’ve never really gotten too into that stuff, there wasn’t too much of that anywhere that I knew of in my old school. Well not with the girls there was of course some stuff I think with some of the eeew edge of the geeky guys that like wanted cartoon tentacle girlfriends.”
I can’t help it.
I crack up at the WTF looks on Mom and Dad’s faces.
I honestly think they have no idea what some of that stuff is.
I have watched anime because well stuff like Ranma and other anime was like fantasy stuff for me without it like getting all gross and stuff.
Plus like I think a lot of trans girls there’s that Magical Girl fantasy where they transform and I think a lot of us wanted to be that.
I know that’s what I kinda daydream about when I watch stuff like that.
Mom says. “How about you two go and do your homework and we’ll tackle the dishes so that way you girls can hang out some and maybe look up what you’re going to go see and think about what you’re going to wear and where to go to eat.”
I look at Mary Jane and she looks at me and we both get up and run upstairs to my room laughing and yelling. “Thanks Mum, Love you!”
We do blaze through our homework first well math and science and things even though I’m slower with my handwriting because I’ve been faking that for so long too.
Seriously when you hide being trans, being a girl you hide even the fact that you practiced writing in what I call Loop. You know that cursive where it’s like all cute and stuff.
Like all the other girls did.
I’m not used to writing in my notebooks as myself.
And I’m going to, I’m like so done with being someone I’m not.
I can’t even.
Once we get the homework out of the way I get changed into my nightwear and I feel better and M.J. and I turn on some music and we get online looking at the mall’s webpage and then what’s playing and stuff and what’s in the food courts and in between laughing and giggling and talking things over and trying on clothes and mixing and matching looks we’re dancing.
I have my own download mix and everything with all the girl rock and pop and hip hop that I actually like but could like never.
I like a lot of Canadian singers too like Alannis and Avril and like uhm...Jan Arden? But Carly Rae Jepsen and her song “Call me maybe?” is like awesome and so is like “I really, really Like You.” and “The Kiss” are like my songs and i really love her stuff.
I like upbeat stuff in general and even when I’ll like being Steven I tend to listen to or listened to stuff like Bruno Mars and guys like that.
So we like dance and dance and practice and stuff and laugh and just have fun until Mom and Aunt Els come up and they join us and they play some of their stuff.
Okay like it’s older but some of it’s like fun like that “I like big butts.”
I don’t have a big butt or at least not right now and we listen to stuff while having hot chocolate and hot crossed toast.
That’s raisin bread toast with a cream cheese icing on it instead of like butter.
It’s actually really yummy if you use homemade icing. The boughten stuff is okay but it’s like too sweet. Cream cheese icing should still be like sweet but first it really should taste like cream cheese.
It’s more than fun, it’s literally more than I hoped and it’s me being the daughter mom never got to have and it’s the reverse for mom too and with Aunt Els and M.J. it’s like bonding too and fixing their relationship but with us there to keep things from being too awkward.
And it’s like that whole woman’s sense or something but I can feel it, like the healing or something.
We hang out for like an hour and Aunt Els looks at Mom. “You want to do a ritual before we go home?”
Mom shrugs she’s not really into wicca and witchcraft and stuff like Aunt Els is. I mean Mom’s like a hippy and a whole professional artist and stuff which is cool that she got to do that but I’m interested in this.
Mom looks at me after shrugging. “If I won’t bring it down sure why not?”
Aunt Els grins and we head downstairs and she gets some things out of her car in a box and she asks Mom to get a shovel and we go out to the back field and get off the property.
We dig a hole and save the sod and we run around and we gather some dry wood and twigs asking if we can have this and we’re supposed to listen to see if we’re told no. Aunt Els goes to the culver for water and stones from running water and she lines the hole with them then adds the twigs and she gets us to light a candle each.
And she does this whole like prayer thing where we ask for kindness and wisdom and strength from like The Goddess and Diana and Artemis and we offer up to the fire bread crusts and dried sage and lavender and olive oil and honey like just drizzles of a little of each and things and we thank the Goddess and the Divine and stuff and she waits until the twigs and stuff are done and she puts it out with water that ran without man.
It was all kinda over my head and it was really strange but it was still something that was just the four of us.
A sort of Sisterhood thing over Moms and Aunts and Cousins.
And I was part of it.
I kind of really feel that the most.
And I swear walking back up the yard in my bare feet and the really cold dew sort of making things extra wide awake it just sort of felt super real.
We saw Aunt Els and M.J. off and Mom and I hugged and I dried my feet off before setting my clock and getting ready for bed.
My dreams were amazing.
*Before…
It was all kinda over my head and it was really strange but it was still something that was just the four of us.
A sort of Sisterhood thing over Moms and Aunts and Cousins.
And I was part of it.
I kind of really feel that the most.
And I swear walking back up the yard in my bare feet and the really cold dew sort of making things extra wide awake it just sort of felt super real.
We saw Aunt Els and M.J. off and Mom and I hugged and I dried my feet off before setting my clock and getting ready for bed.
My dreams were amazing.
*And Now…
I mean I’m not all convinced this wiccan stuff is real but in my dreams it was like I was here in my neighborhood but it was if it was all transformed without houses and was just these old dirt and grass covered roads and all these misty and dew areas of tall grasses, fall gardens left wild and huge and feral and deer and rabbits here and there.
Best of all I was me during the whole thing.
The whole me, the real me.
A real girl, Stephanie.
Waking up even didn’t suck.
Another day done.
Another day that I won’t have to be in the closet again.
Three more days counting today.
I use that to center myself as I get ready for school and dress in my boy’s stuff again.
I head downstairs getting my books and homework sort of filed in my book bag to fit my schedule and then I settle in with making coffee for everyone.
“Ohhh…..”
Someone went out somewhere at some point and bought some groceries and there’s Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee.
I swear I get a lift from just smelling the can of beans and I grind some up and I make this pot of coffee that smells so intense.
I’ve like read about this and all but I’ve never smelled it brewing or had any.
Mark is the next one up and down the stairs and I can hear the twins up too but making a disaster area of the bathroom and I’m really, really glad that I’m not up there as I hear Rob yell something like. “What crawled up you and died!”
Yeah even Mark shuddered with that one.
He is making french toast and he’s mixing up stuff for cream cheese icing to go with it?
“Are you making breakfast for the girlfriend?”
“Well I wasn’t until now.”
“What were you making?”
“Peach sandwiches.”
“The what now?”
“She likes peaches so...here watch.”
Mark takes a basket of peaches from the porch that weren’t there last night when I went to bed so he likely went to the store for these things.
He takes out a loaf of that eggy and buttery brioche bread and he slices some thick slices of it and the he coats each slice with lots of the cream cheese icing and then he slices wedges of the fresh peaches and he sinks them into the cream cheese really carefully and then puts the sandwiches together and then slices them crosswise.
They look good, and they look really pretty.
“Guys will make fun of you if you bring her that.”
Mark smiles and draws himself up. “I’m going to college next year Stephanie. I’m all sorts of done the immature who thinks what of me stuff. It’s not like any of them are in my relationship.”
“Well I think it’s awesome and I think that I’m actually jealous because I’d love a boy to do something like that for me.”
“Well I got the idea from Dad actually.”
I nod. “Dad might not have known about me and stuff but he’s kinda awesome in both the dad and husbandy stuff departments.”
I hear Dad inhaling the coffee smell. “Thank you, thank you I try to please the women in my life.”
He kisses my on the forehead even if I’m in boy mode. “Morning princess.”
I pass him a coffee.
He kisses my forehead again. “Double thank you.”
I help Mark by making regular toast and we’ll go through a lot of it so the oven is on to warm it and I don’t butter any of it.
Dad jumps in with doing the bacon and we’re all sort of a unit until the twins thunder down the steps.
Then it’s the usual morning chaos and mom is not here as she’s still in bed sleeping because she was up painting late last night which is a thing that she does sometimes.
Mom’s an artist.
She does a lot of things with art and she’s pretty crafty too but her main thing is doing paintings.
Dad’s a boat repair guy. And not the common stuff either though he does do those but he mostly does those high end sailboats that you see the rich folks have out on the lakes. And he’s good and in demand, and has a bunch of people working for him.
Which is cool because we’re really well off.
And yes I know I’m like really lucky.
But it lets Dad do stuff like let Mom have the means and the time to be an artist.
And while I’m kinda a girly girl and everything I think that she’s definitely influenced Mark who’d like the oldest.
Seriously he’s has the sandwich made and in a wrapped container. He has what looks like this careful ice cream scoop of cucumber and tuna salad and there’s a salado of like veggie peeler ribbons of like all this colorful salad stuff like yellow zucchini and orange beets and carrots.
It’s pretty.
And I am NOT into my brother but I like this, I want something like this.
Dad gives him a thumbs up.
The twins ignore the whole things opting for eating.
And yeah I eat too but I have a slice of toast and a slice of french toast and a couple of slices of bacon and finally my mug of coffee.
Dad’s getting a tray together likely for Mom with a big mug of the coffee and then he took like the rest of the peeler sliced veggies that Mark had and he sautees them in butter really fast and then he turns it all into this omelette.
Actually I think that’s pretty awesome.
He tells me. “Don’t take off for school yet princess I’ll be right back.”
I nod rather than talk with my mouth full and while he’s gone I make another pot of coffee and get my thermos and some of the disposable coffee cups from the cupboard and put them in my bag.
Then he’s back and passes me two envelopes?
“Dad?”
“One is for your teacher and the other one is for the office. Your mom and I will be picking you up at lunch. We have an appointment for you to finally start talking with someone in Toronto.”
“Oh...wow, that far?”
“A client knows someone that knows someone.”
“So they’re good?”
“Apparently she’s very good.”
I sigh with relief. “Are you guys okay with this?”
He gives me a hug. “Absolutely. Don’t pack a lunch we’ll grab something while we’re out.”
I grin and I snang some cookies and I make sure that there’s a separate bag and some of this maple fudge that mom has in the house that I know is non allergenic for Lucy and I get one of the mason jars for some coffee creamer and some sugar packs and Dad looks like he’s going to stop me or say something but I give him the daughter eyes.
“Fine, fine, blast you and all of your friends off into space.”
Will says. “That stuff will stunt your growth.”
I say back. “I don’t want to be big I want to be short and I want a cute bum and I want like a c-cup at least.”
Will pales and just stares.
Rob groans. “A c-cup can you wait until like college at least do you know how many guys I’ll have to beat up because they’ll be talking about my sister’s boobs.”
I giggle.
Mark gives me a hug as he grabs his stuff. “Have a good day, don’t stress about the therapist.”
I hug him back. “Thanks Mark, but yeah I’m probably going to stress.”
He smiles. “At least it’s forward momentum Stephanie, that’s a good thing.”
He leaves and I leave grabbing my things and heading over to Mary Jane’s to meet up with her and I bring her a coffee fresh from the pot as she likes it and I’m a little later than I usually land there so I’m not waking her up and she’s already awake but still doing her make-up.
Aunt Els is in the shower by the sounds of everything.
“Coffee?”
“Of course….mmmm...that smells great.”
“Jamaican, Mark bought the good stuff for the house.”
She takes it and she drinks a few fast sips and she makes the same face that I had of oh...strong and then the ping face of it starting to kick in.
I watch her do her make-up learning and fascinated as I always am at how she does stuff and how good she is at doing it and well of course just being like low key jelly over her body.
I don’t like being like that and I get that she has had some serious grief over her body and people being assholes and other stuff.
But yeah.
I think I’m just like most girls when confronted by Mary Jane’s looks.
And she’s not holding back today either, she’s totally showing it.
Not in like this whole bad way but a red lacy bra, a scoop necked top that shows the bra cups a little and way more cleavage that like most girls our age and she pairs it off with really nice and really tight jeans and a pair of killer boots.
She even had this really cool vintage fall jacket from somewhere that’s like that red flannel looking pattern but kind cut like a pea coat with this white fleece collar and lapels.
She looks really hot like she’s older than she is in some ways, Like if you know here you’ll get that we are the same age and all but still she looks.
She could pass for a senior.
Mary Jane notices me watching her and the look of sigh on my face.
“Hey, it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be y’know.”
(Sigh.) “Yeah I know it’s just that, I’m really kind of feeling the lack of like even the basics.”
“You’ll get there Stephanie, seriously you’ll get there and you’re lucky too y’anno?”
“Lucky?”
“Yeah I’ve been reading some trans stuff and everything and you’re already ahead of things. There’s a lot of older trans folks that came to all of this way too late.”
I sigh again and she hugs me. “I know, seriously I know.”
We get ready and we leave with her eating a pop-tart and a couple of granola bars as she drinks her coffee that I got for her and as much as I’m feeling that sort of displaced kind of ow from this I am starting and my family gets it and they are so far beyond cool it’s amazing.
And the fact that it’s like a seriously nice morning out is lifting my spirits a lot.
That and talking about coming out and my party and our costumes for going out and everything too.
Even the bus stop was pretty cool with no Yick there either.
I get cheered up too by the girls as they get on the bus and my little knot of friends starts to form up as we’re each getting picked up and the conversation turns to the party and actual Halloween which is all just a few more days away.
Toni gets on the bus and she is dressed in this japanese style lolita dress with the poofy skirt and everything but it’s like all black and the entire print is brightly colored fall leaves that are drawn to look like they’re on fire and she has her hair done with this whole homemade crown of leaves too and she has her hair all loose and styled and she’s so got this like willowy look going on with her hair and she has a mini-sunflower in her hand which she gives to mary Jane in a whole curtsey thing.
Mary Jane looks surprised and a little embarrassed and self conscious but she smiles taking it and says. “Wow, you look amazing and thank you I love sunflowers.”
She even kisses Toni on the cheek and like a serious cheek kiss and not just the peck type and toni looks like she could fly.
I get out of my seat and move so they can sit together and I’m grinning and so are they even if their blushing.
This is pretty cool since M.J. definitely had zero idea that Toni was going to be doing this.
An she doesn’t look that unhappy about it either.
Surprised but definitely in a good way.
And it’s really cool and really sweet.
I was so into that with the other girls too that I didn’t notice Grayson getting on the bus until he was on the bus and he came over to our little group and sat in the seat next to the back of my seat and he offered me fresh french fries in a big paper coffee cup. “Fries?”
“In the morning? That’s...okay that’s a yes.”
“Air cooker, so their not really all that fried.”
I eat some and pass them back. He waves them off holding up another one. “Those are yours, I have mine.”
“You made me morning fries.”
“I make us morning fries but yeah, besides girls like fries.”
I blush but I’m smiling too. “That’s...that’s really cool.”
“Pre-date strategy.” he says smiling.
He’s really cute too. Like god he’s really cute. Like with that not messy but messy skater hair and he has this hoodie on that looks like something definitely skater type and this really cool t-shirt that looks like it’s all old books, like the print is like old books.
He also called me a girl again.
And I really, really do want to go out with him.
I think, I think that I even might want to kiss him.
And I blushed harder at that.
I look at him.
“We’re having a party at my place on Halloween after everyone’s gone and done all the Trick or Treating stuff do you want to come?”
“To the party or Trick or Treating/”
“Uhm...both?”
“Can it be a second date if the movies goes well?”
I blush again.
“Y...yes…”
He smiles this really great smile.
Boys don’t have really great smiles do they? None of the boys have really great smiles that I know right?
Right?
I’m still sort of I don’t know stunned, kinda freaked out which is letting Toni steal and eat most of my fries and we pull into school and grayson gets out first and I watch him go still kind of freaked out.
Becky says. “That’s quality boy butt right there.”
And I’m blushing again and I’m staring.
I didn’t want to stare but she said it and now I’m staring.
We pile off the bus and we meet up with Lucy at one of the picnic tables before bells start and I take out the cookies and the coffee and I pass her the fudge.
“Maple fudge, no gluten, no nuts.”
She beams at me. “Oh wow seriously?”
“Seriously.”
She grabs a chunk and she shoves it into her mouth and starts happy dancing holding out the paper coffee cup I gave her and I’m filling cups and Rachel is smelling it and she’s eating a cookie and she does this big inhale and smiles at me.
“Mmmmm...wife.”
I blush and Toni cackles. “Another convert where’s my toaster!”
*Before…
I’m still sort of I don’t know stunned, kinda freaked out which is letting Toni steal and eat most of my fries and we pull into school and grayson gets out first and I watch him go still kind of freaked out.
Becky says. “That’s quality boy butt right there.”
And I’m blushing again and I’m staring.
I didn’t want to stare but she said it and now I’m staring.
We pile off the bus and we meet up with Lucy at one of the picnic tables before bells start and I take out the cookies and the coffee and I pass her the fudge.
“Maple fudge, no gluten, no nuts.”
She beams at me. “Oh wow seriously?”
“Seriously.”
She grabs a chunk and she shoves it into her mouth and starts happy dancing holding out the paper coffee cup I gave her and I’m filling cups and Rachel is smelling it and she’s eating a cookie and she does this big inhale and smiles at me.
“Mmmmm...wife.”
I blush and Toni cackles. “Another convert where’s my toaster!”
*And Now…
Lucy looks at me and then Rachel and then at where Grayson had gone inside and then at Toni.
Toni grins at her. “I’m a Lesbian!”
Loudly.
“Being a Lesbian is great because you get to be a girl that’s into pretty girls! Do you want to be a Lesbian? Because I’m like connected.”
Lucy is still Lucy so she totally squeaks and Toni is drawing attention.
There’s a few looks and some stares and then there’s Bonnie Devant and Megan Harper who throw us the finger and both yell “Fucking dyke!”
Mary Jane leans over and she switches the mini-sunflower from one hand to the other so she is throwing the finger up back to them and holding it there as she leans over and she kisses Toni.
Like full on the lips kisses and they kinda went like long kiss with it.
Like OH MY GOD……
It doesn’t last long as one of the hall monitors blasts her whistle and she yells. “No PDA’s on school grounds and get that finger down!”
I know Mary Jane, I know her better than anyone else in my life and there was part of that kiss where she exhaled and relaxed and enjoyed it.
Right about the same time as Toni like involuntarily pushed herself up on her tip toes.
They break the kiss and there’s some clapping from like all the kids that don’t care or even support other LGBT+ kids and Toni is staring at her.
“You...that was…”
Mary Jane puts the flower up to her nose and she smiles and smells it.
“Well what was I supposed to do when a beautiful girl gives me a flower?”
Toni breaks.
She literally breaks and she launches herself into Mary Jane’s arms and she locks her in this death hug and she’s crying.
Like full on ugly cry.
But like in the best way?
I mean it’s all in Bawlese so it needs translation and stuff but I’m getting first kiss, real kiss, tall, so beautiful, that no one has ever said that to her or like about her….
We’re there as like support and stuff and Lucy is hugging herself and smile crying. “Nothing like this went down home, like no one is out and no one is like all cool and stand up for their friends and if they are I like never am like part of that crowd.”
I laugh and wipe at my own tears. “Well we have trans girls and lesbians and witches so you’re bound to be in with something going on.”
She squeak laughs and I add to it. “I’m having a coming out party at my house on Halloween so if you want to be part of that it’s more than cool. I mean I was planning on inviting you today anyway but there like more drama.”
She hugs me and happy eeps. “Ohmigawdyes!”
The bell is ringing and the monitor comes over and she looks at M.J. and Toni and Toni is pulling her face out from hugging Mary Jane and blinks at the lady.
“Toni are you okay?”
(Sniffle.) “Yes ma’am I okay I’m just having a come to Lesbos moment.”
The monitor rolls her eyes and stalks away. “Dammit Toni tone it down! All of you get to homeroom!”
Becky asks Toni as we’re walking inside. “Lesbos? Like what’s that?”
“A sacred island basically where Wonder Woman is from. It’s home to Sappho.”
“Okaaaaay like what’s that?”
“An ancient greek poet woman, and pretty much Lesbian Jesus.”
We all crack up as we head inside and go to class.
Becky says. “Wow, okay now I’m really looking forward to high school and history class.”
We all start laughing our way to homeroom.
Classes are pretty much normal except for there’s a lot of gossip about me and about the open lesbian Kiss between Toni and Mary Jane.
People are well definitely being pretty much busy bodies about all of this.
And I think that some stuff about Greyson and I might be starting to float around maybe?
Or it could just be me getting the same bad stares from the same buttholes doing it usually.
It doesn’t take long to get to ten o’clock break and Toni is there in the cafeteria before all of us get there and we all gather at our “table” after getting our snacks and stuff either from our bags or lockers or from the cafeteria.
Greyson joins us and smiles at me.
I blush and smile back.
“Thanks for the fries this morning.”
He nodded. “I thought that it’d be a good idea.”
“It was no one’s done anything like that for me before.”
“Good I wanted to impress.”
He gestured to where he was sitting and I sat beside him.
Wow...this, this feels really close.
He also smells nice.
I mean teen guys don’t smell nice. They don’t it’s like all that hormonal stuff oozes out of their pores or something and that’s something that I desperately want to avoid.
I’d live in a hot shower if I thought that I could sweat the boy stuff out of me like poison.
But yeah he smells nice.
Like in that actually trying not to be gross thing and not wearing Axe body spray like it’s the water from the shower.
You should not be able to open your mouth and taste anyone’s body scent/perfume/cologne on the surface of your tongue.
He smells like dryer sheets and like old classic Right Guard and maybe some sort of guy lotion?
I like it too.
“So what should I dress up like on halloween for the party?”
“I don’t know what do you like?”
“Lots of things really.”
“I’m going as a Roller derby partner with M.J.”
“Toni I’m going as her fan!”
He looks like he’s thinking then he smiles. “I think that I have something.”
“Oh what?”
“I think I’ll come as a rock-star or something and see who I can pull off.”
“That’d be cool.”
He smiles. “I have another idea too.”
“What’s that?”
He takes his phone out and he starts to play music on it.
It’s that bouncy song *Are you gonna be my girl?* By Jet and he just looks at me and then all of a sudden he has my hand and is off the table bench and he’s dancing with me.
In front of everyone!
Toni pulls M.J. up fast so there’s four of us and then some of the others join in and we’re kinda dancing for a couple of songs on the few minutes that Morning break lasts and we’re getting stares.
We’re getting lots of stares.
But...but like as soon as I wasn’t up there and dancing and like alone...I danced with him.
It was goofy and sudden and it was just like fun pop stuff and everything like….
Finger Eleven and *Paralyser*
And this old song called *I just want to fly* by someone I don’t know but like from my Dad’s age.
It’s fun and it doesn’t last long but.
I feel like I’m flying after the bell rings and all the way through classes until lunch when Dad’s there to pick me up.
We get signed out and I get into the van pretty happy and bouncy and Mom’s there too!
Nervous?
Sure I guess, it’s like pretty important but I’m also not too.
I’m going to get on with my life!