Night Entries
Night Entries, Chapter 1
Author's note. This is based on my actual experiences. It contains frank discussions of sexual abuse and an attempted suicide. Please take care reading.
Dear Diary;
This is my first entry in any diary, ever. So I really hope I’m doing this right. When I saw you, diary, sitting in a discount bin, and I realized I had just enough money in my pocket to get you, it was like Fate, or something.
I guess the first thing I should do is introduce myself, but that’s kinda complicated. I mean, my parents named me Edward Williams, but I have never felt …. right with my name. Or with any other part of my life, especially with being a boy, for that matter.
I guess I’m all mixed up, diary, so that’s why its a good thing I got you to talk to. So what can I tell you? Well, I’m thirteen years old, I live in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and I got a mom, and a step-dad and a brother named John.
I’ve had a lot happen to me in thirteen years, diary but I don’t think I’m going to have a chance to tell you about it tonight, as my mom will be coming up to check on me soon if she sees my light on. I’ve got a hiding spot picked out, in a drawer in my dresser that I mostly use for photographs, so she wont be likely to stumble across you by accident. I would prefer she didn’t see I have a diary at all, much less one that is bright pink, if I have a choice in the matter.
*******
Dear Diary;
What else can I tell you about me? I’m kinda hoping if I tell you, it will make some sense, because right now, I’m pretty confused by things. Like with what happened to my dad. He died when I was just five years old, and I don’t have anything that reminds me of him. We have no pictures, nothing of his. And nobody talks about him, ever. The worst part is he didn’t have to be dead. He committed suicide, Diary, and I don’t know why. Sometimes, I wonder if he had been here, would I still hate being a boy so much?
*******
My brother is gone for a week, and I miss him. I guess I should say something about him, he’s a big part of my life. He’s about as good a big brother as I could have, and I almost lost him once. See some bad stuff went down, and he went to a crazy house for kids. I’ve had nightmares of that place, which is why NO ONE can ever know I don’t feel like a boy. I couldn’t survive a place like that. I have to pretend I’m normal, no matter what it takes. What bad stuff, you may ask?
Well, I’m not up to talking about that right now, okay?
Anyway, he’s gone to a Christian camp for the week , and I’m going to the same one a week after he gets back. I’m surprised my mom signed us up for one, she’s never had a good thing to say about Christianity or God or anything, and my step-dad, Carl is about as atheistic as you can imagine. Oh well, its a week away from here, which may be her point in doing this.
*****
I don’t sleep well. A lot of the time, I don’t sleep at all. A lot of the time, its nightmares, and I wake up shouting and shaking, and end up with the light on for the rest of the night. But when its not nightmares, its about HER. I cant seem to stop wanting to be her, no matter what I try. I’ll see one of my girl classmates and the envy I feel is like this horrible ache I can’t seem to stop. Funny thing is, I don’t feel gay, you know? I like like girls, but there is also this wish, this need to be one that really messes me up. I must be nuts, and like I said, I don’t want to be put away, so I have to somehow hide this and hope nobody can tell how crazy I actually am.
******
John’s back! And the camp must have been fun, he seems happier than I remember him. As soon as he got back, he started talking about Christ and God and reading the Bible. I don’t know about religion, but its really good to see him smile. Seems like instead of locking him up they should have sent him to a place like that instead.
I guess I’m as ready as I’m going to be to talk about why he got sent away. He got raped, diary, if you can believe it. It messed him up big time, let me tell you. And from what he’s told me, it sounds like the bad stuff only got worse when he was on the inside. So I’m super happy to see him with a smile on his face again. We got the week together, and then its my turn to go, so I’m going to pump him for every detail he’ll give me about the camp. Maybe I’ll have to look into Christianity too, if it makes this big an impact on him.
****
I’ve been thinking hard about what happened to John. The thing is, when he told me, why did it sound … familiar? Like something like it happened to me? Is that why I have so many nightmares? I got holes in my memory you could drive a truck through, thanks to the meds they put me on after dad died, but you’d think I’d remember something like that. But just thinking about it has got me shaking, and I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.
I have no idea how I’m going to deal with having bunk mates at the camp. I’m scared enough of slipping up during the day with the gender stuff, I wish the nightmares would give me a break.
******
I was raped. I’m almost one hundred percent sure of it. I had a bad nightmare last night, and for the first time, I remembered some of it when I woke up. Worse, the nightmare seemed to indicate my gender stuff played a part in it. So it was my fault. Well, maybe being at the camp will help.
*****
Dear Diary;
Well, this will be my last entry until I get back from the camp. I wish I could take you with me, diary, its helped me so much to have a place where I can be totally honest. With most real people, I just try and fade into the background as much as possible. I can’t tell anybody what’s going on in my head, or they’ll take me away, (Like the song, but much less happy.)
Here’s hoping I can keep up my act at the camp, last thing I need is a bunch of Christian kids finding out I’m anything but a normal boy. I can’t say I know much about Christians, but I somehow doubt they would find it cool that I want to be a girl so bad it hurts. So
I better make sure my Edward mask is on tight, and try and stay out of every one's sight as much as possible. Somehow, that doesnt sound like a relaxing week, but nothing I can do about that.
*****
I’m back, and I’m a changed person, I think. I took the plunge, and became a Christian. The clincher for me was when one of the councilors told me I could become an outcast if I become a Christian, and I laughed at her. I told her I already was one, so what did I have to lose? Afterward, I was a little upset with myself for letting my guard down, but maybe now it won’t matter.
They told me to pray, and that God can do anything, so maybe God will take away this desire to be a girl. They gave me a Bible to read so I could learn about God and Christ and all that, and invited me to come to the church that runs the camp. Its a little far away, so I don’t know how often I can go, but you never know.
*****
My step-father burned my Bible! I can’t believe he would do something like that. The man is utterly deranged. I better get myself under control before I write something really horrible. I’m more disappointed in my mom. Why does she stand there while he’s doing this kind of stuff? When I was little, I thought my mom was so beautiful, and the girl part of me wanted to grow up to be just like her. I guess every kid discovers their parents have feet of clay. Ah, well.
*****
The Bible is fascinating. I didn’t know how you were supposed to read it, so I just started at the beginning and read to the end. Its funny, the little bible I got says some of the individual books were written hundreds, even thousands of years apart, and yet it reads like its one story, or at least it does to me.
My version is written in “today’s English”, whatever that means, and has little stick-figure drawings in some of the margins illustrating some of the verses. It also has a series of maps so I could get an idea where all these stories take place. Its kinda interesting, this little patch of land has been fought over and conquered by just about every empire in history. Egypt, Assyria, Babylon, the Greeks, the Romans, you name it.
But its not all good news, at least for me. There is stuff about not wearing girl clothes, and I don’t know what to make of that. I guess I need to really pray to get rid of this desire, once and for all.
******
I figured I would write down the prayer I’ve been making. It goes something like this:
Dear God, I’m pretty new to this prayer thing, so I hope I’ve got it right. God I want to be good, and not do anything wrong, but I need help. This craving to be a girl is driving me nuts. I cant sleep, I can hardly stand to be around pretty girls cause I get so jealous. You raised Jesus from the dead, so I know you can take this need away from me. Amen.
*****
Its not working. Why isnt the prayer working? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I’m not a Christian at all. Maybe I have to start from the beginning, and accept him into my heart again. I don’t know what else to do. I fall asleep in class cause I dont get any rest at nights.
****
I started over again. I accepted Christ into my heart, again. Maybe now God will take this craving away. See, the thing is, even if I don’t act on it, its still a sin to even think about it. I’m basing that on Jesus talking about lusting after a woman being the same as adultery. And since I’m pretty much always thinking about it, well … I hope it works this time.
*****
I cant do this anymore. I’m going to Hell, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I’ve prayed, I cried, I begged, and God wont take this desire from me. I’ve already lost track of how many times I’ve started over, and I feel further away from God than ever.
I’ve even asked Him to kill me, and He remains silent.
Worse, some girl at school is spreading a rumor that I danced with another boy at the last school dance. I deserve it, because I insulted her, because I was frustrated with being at the dance at all, since I lacked the courage to ask any girls to dance. I blamed her, and it wasn’t fair of me. Things are just totally messed up.
*******
I got hurt today. I dislocated my knee, and it still hurts. My mom took me to a doctor, and he gave me a muscle relaxant, saying it will ease the spasms. The rumor is still going around the school, which makes no sense. People would have seen me so why would they believe this story? But its not dying off yet. All this extra stress is taking its toll on me. The nightmares are getting worse, and the gender stuff is beyond painful. What do I do, diary?
*****
I’m ready to end my life. I’m going to take enough of my muscle relaxant pills to stop my heart, and put myself out of my misery. Maybe, since God hates me anyway, he’ll let me go. Goodbye, diary.
*****
Obviously not the end, folks. Please remember to comment
Night Entries, Chapter 2:
This is intense stuff, people. Read with caution, and as always, comments are appreciated.
I couldn’t go through with it. I’m such a coward. I guess I have no choice but to keep on going, even if life makes no sense. I can only hope its a short life, since there doesn’t seem to be any hope for me.
******
I feel like some kind of zombie. I’m just going through the motions, not living at all. I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’ve kinda stopped talking to God, since He doesn’t seem to listen anyway. The other day I actually screamed at Him, I was so mad. But even that didn’t change anything. Just how long will my torment last?
******
My knee feels better, which is okay, I guess. I got to thinking about what happened with my dad and realized it would be pretty selfish of me to kill myself and leave my body for my mom to find after she’s already lost him.
Its getting close to Christmas and the lights look pretty and even the snow somehow looks better.I don’t know if I’m any better, but I’m going to try and survive.
*****
Merry Christmas, Diary!
It was actually a nice Christmas. John is just glowing with his new-found faith. I’m still struggling with mine, but I’m happy for him. As for my gender stuff, well I have a confession. I’ve been crossdressing, “borrowing” my mom’s stuff. I don’t know how to describe how I feel dressed, there are so many different things going on. There’s the guilt, of course. That’s to be expected. But there is this brief moment of relief, like I put down something super heavy I hadn’t even realized I was carrying. I feel light, and free and …
So what do I do about that?
*****
Well, its the last day of the year, so I’ll say goodbye, diary, until next year.
Here’s hoping its a better one.
*****
Happy new year, Diary!
I decided I’m going to do more boy stuff, and get rid of my desire to be a girl that way. I’ve started letting my facial hair grow out, and I’[m going to sign up for Track when school comes back in. Maybe if I look more like a boy and act more like one, I’ll feel more like one too.
****
Well, I’m back to school, and I signed up for Track, so that’s part one of my plan done. I’m also starting to get pretty fuzzy on my face as well. Weird thing is, its coming in red. I’m blond, diary, I mean really, really blond, so how come its coming in red? Ah well, the point is I’ll look like a guy, and doing track will help too. This is going to work, I can feel it.
******
I broke my arm, diary! I was practicing hurdles and I fell over one and broke my left arm. Funny thing, I didnt even know it at first. My arm was numb and I couldnt close my hand, but it didnt start to hurt badly until I went to the school dance. I started dancing, and then the pain hit, and I’m ashamed to say I passed out.
The vice principal took me home, and mom took me to the doc who found the break. I’m in a cast now, and I guess Track is going to be a no go. There is a meet coming up, and I’m signed up for a long distance race, maybe I could still do it anyway?
****
Well, the race is over, and I finished dead last. For a while, I was able to keep up, but my endurance just wasnt up to the task. But the teacher seemed impressed that I tried and that I at least finished the race, so I guess that’s okay. I look weird with a red beard and a cast, but at least I’m not getting called “fag” every day.
*****
I gave up on the beard. It just feels ugly and wrong to have one, I couldn’t look at it anymore. And its pretty obvious I’m never going to be a jock. How am I supposed to fight this need to be a girl now?
****
We’re moving, Diary.
The company my step-dad works for is pulling up stakes thanks to the N.E.P. killing the oil patch, and they are going to Denver. I’ll slip you into my books, and hopefully mom wont look too closely. I don’t want to lose you, it feels like you are a real friend to me, maybe my only friend. Kinda sad, isn’t it?
*****
Hay, diary, welcome to Aurora, Colorado. Its a little bedroom town just outside Denver. Its pretty, and its a lot like Calgary, to be honest. The weirdest thing is, I’m no longer in Junior high. Grade nine is part of high school here. I hate transferring schools in the middle of the year. Maybe that’s a good thing, nobody will even expect me to make a lot of friends. If I’m lucky, I can stay under the radar here.
*****
My mom caught me in a nightie last night. I had found it on my way home, and like an idiot, I put it on and then asked for a cup of hot chocolate. She accused me of stealing it, which sucks. Now she thinks I’m a thief as well as a pervert. Not only that, the tension in the house is getting hard to take. She and my step-dad are constantly fighting. Not fun.
****
My mom hasn’t brought up catching me again, which is good. If she’s willing to forget it, so am I. The worst part of it was that she shouted about buying me girl clothes, and more than anything I wanted to say to her, “Yes, mom. I want girl clothes”. Meanwhile, the tension is even worse around here. I think my step dad is drinking even more than normal, and I’m worried.
***
Diary, I’m going to have to make this quick. I grabbed you on my way out the door, and am writing this while my brother looks for a place for us to stay. Things came to a head, and my step-dad hit my mom. I snapped, and grabbed the axe we use for the fireplace and seriously came close to using it on him. But instead, I just shouted at him that he wasn’t worth it, and dropped the axe. Then he picked it up, and was going to kill me, but my brother drop-kicked him.
We then went and grabbed a few things and left the house. We are hanging around my church, and John’s looking to find if he can get a hold of someone to let us in, so we could stay the night. Can life get any suckier?
Night Entries, Chapter 3.
Well, we are back home. Mom somehow found us, and told us to come home. We did, lacking anywhere else to go. I hope things are going to be alright. I feel so helpless.
*****
Its kinda funny around here now. Its like we all made this unspoken agreement to not mention what happened, but to go on as though life was perfectly normal. My step-dad actually seems a little wary of my brother, so maybe that’s what we’ve needed to do all along - kick his butt, and then he’d leave us alone.
*****
Have I mentioned yet how much I HATE getting erections? Most of the time, I can almost pretend I dont have male bits, but when I get hard, its impossible to ignore, and it sucks, big time. I can’t explain it right, but it just feels so WRONG somehow. Sometimes, the only way I can face the day is to pretend my clothes are girl clothes and that nobody notices or minds. That’s one of my big fantasies at night, to imagine I’ll wake up as a girl and just have a normal day as one. I just do whatever I would normally be doing, except I’m female. Then the guilt hits, and I try and beat back the fantasy. I’m so tired of this strugggle.
******
I know I don’t write a lot about school, its cause I really don’t have a lot to say. It just IS, you know? I’m mostly ignored here, and that’s just fine with me. Much less chance of somebody figuring out I’m not like other boys.
****
My brother got a package from home today. It was a cassette tape from a friend of his. He let me listen, his friend seems pretty cool. John made a tape to send back, and I had to say “hi” on it, I don’t know why. I admire my brother a lot, he’s turning into a good man. But that also is taking him further away from me, since I am not a good man. Most days, I don’t feel like a man at all.
*****
I’ve been dreaming about HER a lot. Sometimes, when I’m getting dressed, I almost see her in the mirror. I don’t know how to describe the feeling, its like.... I watched the movie “Victor/Victoria” and there is a scene where she is broke and hungry and she stands outside a restaurant and watching people eat on the other side of the glass. I’m like that. I watch the girls, and I want to join them, be one of them, and I cant.
****
Had a major snowstorm here, and it was actually kinda fun to go out afterward. The funniest part was walking through a snow drift, my brother and I were stopped by the cops, who asked if we needed help. We laughed, and told him we’re Canadians. Pretty funny, I thought.
****
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, Diary, but I love to read, especially science fiction. My favorite authors are Issac Asimov and Ray Bradbury. The only bad part is occasionally, I’ll read something that makes me think of my gender stuff, and then I have to stop and fight with them instead of being able to enjoy the story.
****
I’ve been doing a little bit of thinking, Diary. I’ve got this idea for a story where this kid wishes everyone would go away, and then wakes up to find himself alone in the world. Maybe I’ll actually be able to write it down, that would be cool.
***
My brother has to go back to Canada, since he's now graduated. I'm going to miss him terribly.
***
We’re moving back to Canada. Denver has been okay, but I miss home. Not that I fit in there, either, but I don’t know, its just better. Meanwhile, the gender stuff is getting so bad I honestly don’t know how to handle it. The only way I can describe it is to compare it to that “Alien” movie. I can feel HER pushing from inside me, trying to get out, and I can only imagine the mess it would make if she succeeds ...
*****
Well, its time to pack up, and say goodbye to this place. Maybe the change will help me get through this stuff, cause I’m out of ideas.
****
I almost died today, thanks to my step dad. We were driving back to Alberta, and my mom was sick, and trying to keep up to him in her car. He refused to let her take a rest, and it almost cost us our lives. She was just about asleep behind the wheel, and he pulled into a side road to a gas station, and then pulled back out again.
She made the side road, but trying to get back to the main one she ended up in a ditch after doing like 100 km an hour. the ditch was deep and we almost flipped over, but somehow, she managed to get us back on the road. The car is badly damaged because there was a barbed-wire fence along the ditch, but at least she’s alive. I’m alive too, which I have mixed feelings about. But I guess God isn’t done with me just yet.
****
Night Entries; Chapter 4
Here is the last chapter of "Night Entries". It doesn't have the tough stuff of the earlier ones, and it ends on a hopeful note. Thanks to all those who read and commented.
Well, we’re home, sort of. Trouble is, our house has been rented out, so we cant actually live there. For now we are in a motel, doesn’t that sound like fun? I have to spend like a hour on the bus to get to school, but oh well.
****
Can we get any further from my school? We left the motels and now are in a place literally on the other side of town! I’m on the bus for almost two hours every day!
*****
Finally, in our own place again. It looks like my mom and my step-dad are making up. I honestly don’t understand how she can forgive him so easily. Meanwhile, I had a chance to meet John’s friend Alex, and he seems like a good guy. He’s got this Saturday night session of a game called Dungeons and Dragons, it sounds like it could be a lot of fun.
****
I found out Alex cross-dresses. Its weird, apparently he goes out in public and everything. He even showed me pictures of him in a dress at an event downtown. He gave me some magazines that deal with guys who dress up as girls, and its interesting stuff. Somehow, I don’t think I’m the same as the guys in the mags, though. It sounds like for them, dressing up is just for fun, or for sex. Me, I dont care about sex, and it doesnt feel like just fun. But at least now I know there is some support out there.
****
I had the best weekend ever, diary! My mom and my step-dad went away, so I was alone. Also, my neighbor left me the keys to her place so I could feed her cat for her while she’s on vacation, so I had the run of both my house and hers. So I spent the weekend in a dress, and felt so much better for it.
****
I’ve found some people to hang out with, and I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it feels good to not be totally alone all the time, but on the other, I feel sure that they would reject me if they knew about the girl stuff. Ah, well.
****
I wish I could have a girlfriend, Diary, but what girl would want a guy who feels more like a girl than a guy? Love is a luxury only “normal” people can afford.
****
I need a girl name. All the mags talk about having a girl name, even Alex uses “Brenda” when he’s dressed up. My mom once told me that if I had been born a girl, my name would be Dorothy, so maybe I should go with that.
****
Diary, which me is real? the male me, the one I show to everyone? or Dorothy, the girl who is stuck inside and unable to get out? And if Dorothy is the real me, what do I do about that?
****
Last night, I read about this woman, named Christine Jorgensen, who was actually born a guy and had surgery to change into a girl. I had no idea such a thing was possible! Am I like her, Diary? I don’t feel like the guys in the cross-dressing mags, that’s for sure.
*****
Can you believe it? I’m a senior now. Boy, the time has flown by here. Soon, I’ll be graduating, and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. And How Dorothy fits in with that.
****
Well, well, well. Hello Diary. Its been a long time. I thought I had lost you many years ago. Its kinda funny to read the entries now, and think how mixed up I was back then. I wish I could talk to my younger self, tell her its going to be okay, that although the road ahead will be difficult, she will one day be me, living and working as Dorothy, with friends and family who support her. To think, I could have missed all this if I had killed myself all those years ago. I guess that goes to show you never know what the future holds. But I have more hope for it than I have had before, and that’s good enough for me today. Thanks, Diary, for being there with me. Good night for now.