Wednesday, January 8th, Hi mrs. Diary. Things aren't getting any better. My head is so messed up. It's like a big tug o war between who I am and who everyone expects me to be. Everyone expects me to be tommy, but I don't know if that is who I am.
I talked to Vince over aol last night. He said my gift for christmas might have been something better than a computer. He said maybe my aunt and mom let me find the real me. I don't know. What's the use of finding the real me if I can't bethe real me. Vince sent me his picture in his little wrestling tites. He is such a hunk. I made it my screen picture.
I ate take out chinese food with mom. We hardly spoke. It was like all of christmas didn't change anything now that I changed back. I don't know how I could tell her that I wasn't pretending to be tammy, I'm pretending to be Tommy now.
I went to school. Ughh. Okay, here is what happened, I put on my kahki girl pants. It felt good to be in something soft and cut right. I thought no one would really notice if I was in girl things, because they are pants and most boys are too stupid to know the difference. Was I ever wrong. I got found out and I got teased all day. I told them that my mom bought them and maybe she didn't realize. It was horrible. I had to hear the word fag so many times that I wanted to cry.
After school I almost got into a fight, but Sam was with me and cindy and I told them I didn't need to proove nothing. So I just really backed out of it. What's fighting proove anyway, that you're a neanderthall. Well Cindy went 'one was' meening one of the boys teasing me, I guess but that made sam and I laugh.
Sam came to Tonya's house with me. She said I was brave for trying what I tried. As soon as we got to babysitting we just talked about it and how I felt. I told her about being confused and she said I probably really know what I am deep down. I know what I am but I can't be it. It's so frustrating.
When tonya went to sleep, we did each others hair. I braided Sam's hair, and it came out pretty good for my first time. She made my ponytail poof a little bit. I need to get this junk out of my hair. Okay so Sam went before Glenn and Alexis came home. They called me Tammyagain and I thanked them. They told me to go to my aunt's since my mom was going to work late.
I went to Aunt Jan's and she asked about the pants. I broke down and cried and told her. She didn't get mad either. I thought she would. I told her that if I could stay Tammy she could take the computer back. She said don't be silly. Then I told her about being scared to tell mom. She said mom knew. I was like how does she know I just told you so you couldn't of. She said that a lot of people knew about tammy before I even put the dress on the first time. I was shocked. But she said if I want to stay Tammy I got to tell mom that myself. How can I tell her? Even if she knows won't she be mad? How can I tell her and not be in trouble or make her cry? I don't know, it's giving me a headache. Kiss Kiss.
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