Kyle has purged and is trying to be "normal" - only to find it impossible. After two years of misery, his sister Christine dares him to put on their sister Taryn's dress. Can he resist? What happens to Kyle - and what does his mischievous sister have in store for him?
BUDDING LILLI
Chapter 1 — Sunday, May 16, 2010
“It’ll be okay. You’ll see.” My younger sister Christine gave me a big hug.
I stared at the landscape paintings on the cream-colored walls, wishing I could disappear into one of them, as we waited for our older sister Taryn to bring our mother downstairs to the basement.
“Of course it will!” My girlfriend, Mira, reassured me by squeezing my hand and gently touching my cheek.
The cushy, overstuffed couch we were sitting on was one of my favorite places in the house to relax. I had spent many hours lost in thought while ensconced in the embrace of the soft, burgundy upholstery.
Now, I was facing my own, personal hour of judgment. Nothing could ease the dread in my soul.
I looked down at my black skirt and tights, along with the black, leather ballet flats I was wearing. The black top and bold teal cardigan rounded out my outfit nicely. I couldn’t help smiling at the way those clothes made me feel so much like a girl - no easy feat for someone born biologically male.
Yet, I could feel the apprehension that tainted my smile, knowing that my mother had no idea I was dressed that way or why — and she was about to come down the stairs.
Uncomfortable with the thought of the imminent confrontation, my mind wandered as it searched for a safe harbor, my thoughts drifting to the experiences that had led up to this decisive moment in my life.
Chapter 2 — Friday, May 14, 2010
“How about this one?” Christine smirked.
She held up a denim skirt with beautiful embroidery on the back pockets, her coyly raised eyebrows silently suggesting that Taryn add it to the Goodwill bag.
“No!! Put that back! That’s my favorite!” Taryn gasped.
“I know. I’m just messing with you,” Christine smiled with playful menace.
I witnessed the exchange between my sisters with a giggle as they cleaned out Taryn’s closet. All three of us got along well but Christine was irrepressible. The little imp had a good sense of mischief and knew just what to do with it. Malice never had any role in her actions; her only objective was to get a good reaction. Still, it was best to be on guard with her around.
I looked around Taryn’s room, drinking in its femininity. The lilac walls gave it a nice ambiance, while the white, embroidered comforter lent the right amount of femininity without overdoing it.
My thoughts drowned out my reality as I wondered, not for the first time, why I felt so much more comfortable in her room than I did in my own.
Taryn laughed out loud, snapping my focus back to the cleaning out of her closet.
“Christine, give it a rest!” Taryn giggled covering her mouth with one hand.
“Oh, come on! You don’t think he would look cute in this dress?” Christine stared at her sister bug-eyed as she pushed back.
Oh shit! I hope they’re not talking about-
“I didn’t say that, sis! I just really don’t think he’d care to-”
“Hey Kyle!” Christine cheerfully spun around to face me, holding up the pretty lavender dress. “I dare you to put this on! In fact,” she smiled wickedly, “I dare you to completely dress up as a girl - again!”
“W-what?” I sputtered.
“Oh, Christine, don’t embarrass Kyle!” Taryn couldn’t help laughing. She held her sides as though they’d rupture.
“I’m not putting that on!” I balked as I felt my face burn.
Christine began to use her persuasive, irresistible, puppy stare — the one that always worked on me.
“Awwww, come on! If we were playing Truth or Dare, you’d do it! You’ve never been afraid of a dare before. Come on. Pleeeeeeease?”
“You know that’s true, Kyle,” Taryn chipped in. “You’re not usually afraid of a dare.”
Oh, Christ! Now Christine’s got Taryn on her side!
“Kyle, I double dare you to dress as a girl!” Christine upped the ante, making the dress dance as she held it up to taunt me.
I paused as I stared at her.
“No! No way!”
Christine stared right back at me.
“Boys aren’t supposed to refuse a dare, right Taryn? Isn’t that like one of the boys’ unwritten rules for being a man?” She made the word ‘man’ drip with sarcasm as she rolled her eyes. “Well, maybe you’re just not supposed to feel fear, but it’s the same thing. Come on, Kyle! Grow a pair!” She thrust the dress at me.
“A pair of what? Boobs?” I answered, glowering at her with my arms crossed.
“You know, she’s right Kyle. Guys are really not supposed to turn down a dare,” Taryn laughed. “And she double dared you.”
“Shut up! You just want to see me dress up as a girl!” I huffed.
“Now that you mention it, yes I do,” she admitted. “So get on with it!”
Christine laughed as Taryn grabbed the dress from her and took a step toward me, holding out the dress in a manner that suggested she fully expected me to take it. I looked at her, my arms still firmly crossed, as though she were offering me a platter of steaming manure.
My sisters were ganging up on me - and Christine was one persistent little bugger when she really wanted something.
“Come on, Kyle!” She closed in on me. “Do it! We won’t tell anyone.”
She made a “zip-the-lip” gesture, twisting her hand as though locking her mouth shut.
“You have got to be shitting me!”
Christine rolled her eyes.
“Come on, Kyle, didn’t you grow your hair to your shoulders so you’d look like a girl when you dressed up?” She ran a finger through my hair before letting out a giggle.
I turned red as a stop sign as if Christine had thrown a switch.
“N-no!! That’s not why I grew my hair this long!”
Christine!! You’re not supposed to tell anyone, you little-
Taryn gasped, putting one hand briefly over her mouth before she spoke.
“Kyle, is that true?”
My eyes bugged out of my head at my sisters.
“No!!” I lied.
“Then you won’t mind dressing up for us!” Christine giggled at me as she folded her arms.
“Shut up, Christine!” I snapped.
“Only a coward refuses a double dare! You’re not a coward, are you?” She stuck her face right in mine.
Christine had pushed my last button. Suddenly, I put my fists on my hips and playfully glared at Christine. Then I rolled my eyes as I held out one hand toward Taryn.
“Give me the fucking dress.”
The girls guffawed at me, but Taryn tried to be nice.
“I am impressed, Kyle! Good man!”
“Not in a dress!” I stared at her.
We all erupted in laughter as I turned to head for the bathroom.
“Kyle, wait! The dare was to dress up completely!” Christine flashed a classic Cheshire grin.
I stopped and looked at Christine with annoyance.
“Thanks for reminding us, Christine,” I replied snarkily. “Fine. Bring it on.”
Christine giggled as she helped Taryn put the rest of my outfit on Taryn’s bed. I watched them pick out a white satin bra, matching panties, a white slip, a pair of white, leather flats, and a pair of white pantyhose.
“Oh, my God,” I groaned. I shook my head in resignation and sighed. “All right, fine, give me the stuff.”
I held out my free hand to receive the rest of the outfit, my sisters hastily filling it before I could change my mind. We giggled together as I headed to the bathroom in the hall to accept my fate.
Chapter 3 — Sunday, May 16, 2010
I gripped Mira’s hand as I waited for my mother to come downstairs. The uncertainty of not knowing how she would soon react was torture. I hoped that she would take it alright, but I had no idea what to think. I could only wait and find out what happened.
Mira shifted her position as she put one arm around me and resumed holding my hand with her other one.
“This will be over pretty soon and you’ll find that it’s all working out okay,” Mira smiled, trying valiantly to persuade me that I had nothing to worry about.
Each second seemed to last a week as I sat in the overstuffed couch huddled with Mira and Christine, awaiting my fate. My mind departed again in a desperate bout of escapism, gravitating back to what had led to the tense wait, picking up where it had left off.
Chapter 4 — Friday, May 14, 2010
I stepped into the powder blue bathroom, hanging the lavender dress on the back of the door. The white, tile counter next to the sink was large enough to accommodate everything but the shoes, which belonged on the floor anyway.
I removed my clothing and stepped into Taryn’s lingerie. A smile appeared on my face as I slipped on the white nylons. Once I had them on, I paused. I was sixteen and slow to mature; my limbs were still bare of hair. The feeling of the nylon on my bare legs was out of the masculine world. I felt very feminine - and I found myself enjoying that sensation, just as I always had.
Suddenly, I stopped what I was doing to stare at myself in the mirror.
What in the fuck am I doing? I gave this up two years ago! I made it two years without dressing as a girl! I was going to be normal! I made so much progress and I’m throwing it all away! Why am I doing this?
That was a question I could not yet answer. I looked at my reflection, staring into my own eyes, trying to find the answer somewhere within them.
The phone startled me as it rang, bringing me out of my reverie.
“I’ll get it!” Christine chirped.
I let out a long sigh.
Why did Christine tell Taryn that I grew my hair long to look like a girl? I stopped dressing as a girl two years ago - well, until now.
I ruefully looked at myself in the mirror as I considered pulling the plug on this dare of Christine’s . . . but part of me wanted to be dressed as a girl again, the part of me that had done it — and loved it - so many times before.
Chapter 5 — May 2008
“Hey, Christine! Can we dress up Kyle as a girl again?” Sara asked excitedly.
“Yeah, that is so much fun!” Jill agreed.
I couldn’t help overhearing from where I was sitting — in the overstuffed couch six feet away from the table where Christine and her friends sat, waiting for their freshly done nails to dry.
I was watching a rerun of CSI: New York. I wouldn’t admit it to myself at the time, but I loved the cute tops that the character Stella was always wearing.
“Oh, I bet we can arrange that!” Christine smirked.
“Cool! He really does look pretty as a girl!” Sara smiled as she blew on her nails.
I peered over my shoulder at the girls as they giggled at me, throwing glances my way, anticipating my answer to their request.
Christine stood up and the three twelve-year-old girls approached me from behind, all of them smiling at me eagerly.
This kind of attention from girls does not suck — even if they are two years younger!
“So, Kyle. You obviously overheard. So how about it? I’ve got just the dress!” Christine began.
“Dammit.” I sighed dramatically. “Well, we all know that you’re going to bug me until I do this, so let’s just get it over with.”
I turned off the television, using the remote as I rose, the girls cheering at my decision.
They brought me to Christine’s pastel yellow room, where they wasted no time getting started. A few minutes later, I was wearing a knee-length, sleeveless, pink dress with a white floral pattern on it. My outfit was completed with white sandals over a pair of white anklets.
Normally, the girls put all of this over my normal underwear, but this time, Christine declared that I should wear female underwear. Seconds later, she held up a white pair of panties and a matching bra. Sara laughed hysterically. Jill’s reaction was more subdued but she thought it was funny, too.
I pretended to refuse to wear them, but Christine was persistent as ever, and I gave in. I soon found that wearing the bra and panties under the rest of it made me feel like a real girl.
My hair was already down to just past my chin. Naturally, the girls used this to their advantage. They brushed it straight, giving it an inward bob along the bottom with a hair curler.
“Aw, Kyle you look so cute as a girl! Are you sure you’re not one? You definitely should have been!” Christine gibed, setting off a round of giggling.
I chortled along with everyone else, but Christine’s little joke troubled me.
Before I could figure out what was bothering me, Christine's cell phone rang, wafting through the laughter, and Christine went to answer it. I spent a minute or two posing for the girls as Christine chatted with another of her friends.
“Um, girls? Well, not Kyle, just girls, I mean,” Christine joked as her friends laughed at her.
I chuckled half-heartedly as well, but my sister’s remark had left me feeling excluded. I thought that was strange, but I dismissed it.
“It’s Jen on the phone and she can’t make it after all. She wants to have some quick girl talk on speakerphone, so Kyle, please get comfortable in here while we take this call in the basement. I doubt we’ll be that long. Oh, and no changing back, okay?” Christine playfully warned me.
“Okay. I’ll stay a girl,” I smiled at them.
The girls left the room, taking the ambiance with them. Having the room to myself, I walked over to Christine’s full-length mirror. I smiled at my reflection, daydreaming that the girl in the reflection was all-girl, mentally and physically. My thoughts drifted to imagining that I was that girl.
A good look at the girl in the mirror revealed that something didn’t look right. Soon, I realized what it was: I had always felt that tights or pantyhose looked much nicer with a dress than ankle socks.
I had always wished that the girls would dress me in a pair of hose. They looked so beautiful on a girl and I had always wanted to try them. When the girls convinced me to wear the lingerie beneath the dress I thought sure they would add a pair of hose, but they had selected the ankle socks.
Bleah!! Ankle socks look better on little girls! I’m sixteen! If I’m going to wear a dress, I should be wearing pantyhose, not ankle socks!
I sighed as I glanced at the clock on Christine’s nightstand, wondering how long the girls would be. I figured that I had enough time to slip on a pair of hose for a minute and put them back — just long enough to see what it was like.
What the hell.
I walked over to Christine’s closet, looked at her shoes and picked out her white, leather flats with a one-inch heel. I put them on the floor next to the dresser, where I slid open the top drawer. That one seemed to be for lingerie. I slid open the next one to find Christine’s socks, leggings, tights and pantyhose.
I picked out a pair of semi-sheer white pantyhose, absent-mindedly closing the drawer. Eagerly anticipating the feel of the nylons, I removed my sandals and socks. I carefully slipped the hose on just as I had seen a woman do on TV a few times, thanking my lucky stars I had no hair on my legs.
I pulled my dress back down and stepped in front of the mirror again, marveling at the difference. The pantyhose looked and felt wonderful.
That is so much better!
I loved seeing my fully feminized reflection in the mirror, but I wanted to walk around a bit to feel the hose on my legs. Without thinking, I put the sandals back in Christine’s closet and put her ankle socks in her bathroom hamper as an excuse to walk around, enjoying the sensations along the way.
The nylons made me feel like a girl in a visceral way. That feeling was exhilarating, like nothing I had experienced before. I admired myself as long as I dared to - soon absorbed enough to lose all track of time.
Well, I’d better take these tights off before – oh shit!!
The girls’ voice echoed down the hall as they headed for Christine’s room. I frantically looked around for the ankle socks and shoes, but . . .
Shit!! I put the other stuff away!!
I started for the bathroom, but I only made it two steps before the girls walked into the room, took one look at me, stopped in their tracks and dropped their jaws.
Jill stared at me so intently that she didn’t notice the other two girls stopping right in front of her — until she bumped right into Sara.
“Sorry!”
“That’s okay.”
Neither girl took her eyes off of me.
The room was glaringly quiet for a few moments. It was Christine who broke the silence with an uncharacteristically serious tone.
“Kyle, you, um . . . y-you touched up your look.”
I nodded, too afraid to speak.
“Kyle, do you . . . do you like being dressed as a girl?” Christine asked me as I looked down, studying my feet in the leather flats and hose. “I mean, I know you never exactly resisted being dressed up, but we thought that you were only doing it because we were making you do it — that and maybe because it got you attention from girls,” she giggled nervously.
I sat on Christine’s bed, carefully tending to my dress, before closing my eyes and taking a breath.
“I do like dressing as a girl. I hope you don’t think I’m weird or anything. It’s not like that. It’s just . . . it just . . . feels nice,” I murmured as I looked at my feet again.
Nobody spoke for a few moments.
“Okay . . . can you tell us more about why you like to dress as a girl?”
Christine sat down next to me and the other girls took it as their cue to sit as well. I looked at her while I tried to understand my own feelings.
“Well, it’s kind of hard to explain, Christine. I know that I like dressing as a girl and I know that I think of myself as a girl when I do.”
“Wow. What do you think it means?” Christine prompted.
“I’m not sure. What I do know is that when you dress me up I always really want to. I mean . . . it’s almost like I need to for some reason. It’s like . . . well, it’s like walking around barefoot when it’s below freezing outside, and dressing as a girl gives me relief like putting thick socks and boots on my freezing feet. I-I don’t know . . . I just . . . I feel . . . better like this. It . . . just . . . feels . . . right.”
As the last word left my lips, something stirred within me. It was a feeling that something about what I had just said was extremely important and I was missing it. However, I pushed that thought away. I figured I was just nervous about revealing that I liked dressing as a girl.
Christine put her arm around me, gently squeezing it as she reassured me.
“Well, Kyle, this is all okay with me. I don’t see any wrong in it.”
Christine and I looked at her friends for support but we didn’t like what we saw. Christine asked — which was helpful because I couldn’t.
“Are you two okay?”
“I don’t know.”
“Me either.”
Sara looked alarmed. She hesitated for a moment and spoke her mind.
“Kyle, in that analogy about the freezing feet, if the person keeps walking around barefoot in those temperatures, the consequences are severe and potentially lethal if he can’t warm up his feet at some point. Are you saying that if you don’t dress as a girl sometimes that there could be severe and potentially lethal consequences? I mean . . . is there . . . somehow . . . a serious danger to . . . I-I don’t know . . . your well-being, maybe . . . if you can’t be a girl at least sometimes?”
I looked at her blankly.
“I don’t know. Maybe. I admit I haven’t thought about that. Maybe I haven’t needed to because I dress as a girl from time to time and have some relief . . .” There’s that feeling again like I just said something cosmically important. But what, damn it? “Well, to answer your question, until I know one way or the other, I think we’d better assume that my well-being is at stake if I don’t dress as a girl at least sometimes.”
“Holy shit!” Christine looked very worried.
“It’s only a possibility, though, not . . . an eventuality. Anyway, like I said, I haven’t had any problems yet and as long as I can dress as a girl sometimes, I don’t think we have to worry about that.”
“Well, I definitely support you dressing as a girl sometimes,” Christine resolved.
“I do, too,” Sara concluded. “That was the only thing bothering me.”
Sara relaxed, but Jill didn’t. She had her arms crossed in what looked like a defensive posture.
“You two are okay with this?” She responded.
Sara nodded and Christine concurred.
Jill momentarily covered her eyes with one hand.
“I-I’m sorry, Kyle. My parents are pretty conservative and, well . . .” she hesitated to say it. “They don’t say very good things about people like you. They think it’s wrong for a boy to wear girls’ clothes, like Biblically wrong.”
Oh, please not that! I inwardly groaned.
“But I don’t believe that. I mean, the Bible says that someone who commits adultery should be stoned to death but my parents would never support that. I mean, if we’re going to ignore the rules that we think are wrong, then . . . if dressing as a girl really is this serious a need for people like you, then I think that whoever spoke against it in the Bible made a big mistake,” she managed, pausing to take a breath.
“B-but . . . I’m still not comfortable with this," she continued. "It might just be because I haven’t met anyone like you before. I think I will probably get over it, but . . . not right now. I didn’t mind at all when I thought it was just a joke, but now . . . I don’t know. It’s so weird! It’s like . . . on the one hand I don’t really, truly see a problem with this, but it’s like . . . well, it’s like I’m brainwashed to think it’s wrong and so it’s scaring me anyway. I’m really sorry, Kyle. I don’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“It’s okay, Jill. Finding me in nylons was probably not the best way for you to find out.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Well, Jill, um . . . Kyle needs this,” Christine put her arm around me again, “and so I want him to stay dressed as a girl while he has a chance.”
Although I could not explain why, I felt relief upon hearing her say that. Judging from the facial expressions of Sara and Jill, they noticed and felt at least some empathy.
“Is that . . . going to cause a problem?” Christine finished.
Jill thought for a moment, a crestfallen look appearing on her face.
“I-I . . . m-maybe I should go. I think I just need to let this digest for a while and that I will get over it, b-but . . .” She shook her head helplessly. “I just need some time to straighten myself out. I should go.”
Christine looked at her friend.
“Okay. If you feel it’s best.”
“Kyle, I’m sorry, I . . .” she shook her head again, clearly at a loss for words.
I stood up, making an effort to keep the peace.
“It’s okay, Jill. At least, you’re honestly trying to conquer your fears.”
“Yeah, I guess,” she half-whispered, nodding weakly before taking a strained breath. “I guess I'll . . . I’ll see you later, girls.”
She turned to leave, but stopped at the sound of laughter behind her. Without turning around, she put one hand on her head and hastily left.
Chapter 6 — Sunday, May 16, 2010
It had hurt when Jill had needed to leave, but I had had so much fun with the girls that I still felt good whenever I remembered the times they dressed me up.
“Hey, look who’s smiling!” Mira gently squeezed my hand as she grinned.
“Yeah, I was just thinking about the times when Christine and her friends used to dress me up. It’s funny, because it seemed so . . . harmless back then, but now . . . waiting for Mom to come down here . . . I feel like my life is at stake!”
My smile disappeared as my heart rate climbed steadily skyward the more I thought about it. Before I was aware of it, I was on my feet, heading toward the basement stairs.
“This was a mistake! Mom can’t see me like this; she’ll freak — and then she’ll have a shit fit! I can’t do this. I-I can’t!” I chattered nervously as I approached the stairs.
Mira was already on her feet, darting toward me.
“Honey, wait. Please.”
Mira closed the distance and took me warmly in her arms.
“I know you’re feeling afraid right now of how your mother’s going to take all of this,” she began, as she pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “But your mother has seen you in a dress before. More than once, right?” She glanced at Christine in time to see her nod.
“B-but she was the one who made me start leaving the house whenever Christine had her friends over.”
“Well . . . yeah. But it’s not necessarily because she doesn’t like you dressing as a girl. It could be anything! We just have to . . .” Christine trailed off.
“Wait and see?” I muttered.
“Yeah,” Christine agreed apologetically.
“What the hell’s taking them so long anyway?” I groused.
“I don’t know,” Christine admitted. “Knowing Mom, she’s probably on her goddamned cell phone!” She rolled her eyes. “But don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll be down soon!”
“Great!” I uttered.
With that, my mind fled the room.
PART TWO IS COMING SOON!
Kyle has purged and is trying to be "normal" - only to find it impossible. After two years of misery, his sister Christine dares him to put on their sister Taryn's dress. Can he resist (please stop laughing)? What happens to Kyle - and what does his mischievous sister have in store for him?
This time: Just how devious is Christine?
BUDDING LILLI - PART 2
Chapter 7 — Friday, May 14, 2010
I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, still clad only in lingerie and hose, searching my reflection for answers. Who was I kidding? I knew exactly why I was dressing as a girl again. I needed to. I had become moody, I was snappish with my sisters, I was somewhat distant from my few friends, and forbidding myself to dress as a girl has something to do with it. I didn’t know what or why; I just knew that after two years, refusing to dress as a girl was beginning to feel like refusing to breathe.
If my soul had a face it would be sickly blue right about now.
Resolving to go through with the dare, I put the slip on. Completing my outfit, I donned the lavender dress and white, leather flats.
“I’m back. Is Kyle still gussying up?” Christine’s voice wafted into the bathroom.
Taryn giggled at her — and at me.
“Yup. I’m sure he’ll be out in a minute.”
I smiled ruefully as I walked to the door and opened it an inch.
“Okay, I’m ready — but you two have to give me your word, right now, that you won’t tell anyone about this or I’m changing back!”
“You should have said that before you dressed up!” Christine giggled.
“Christine, don’t do that. We’re doing enough to him as it is,” Taryn mediated as they laughed at my expense.
“Okay, you’re right,” Christine cooperated.
“I give you my word that I won’t tell a soul, Kyle. Your turn, Christine.”
“I give you my word, too, Kyle. Come on out, cutie!”
The girls tittered at me as though they would never tire of it. I rolled my eyes at my deranged family and shyly emerged from the bathroom. I took a couple of steps out of the bathroom, stopping with my feet together, my hands clasped in front of me, my head tilted to one side and a nervous smile on my face.
“Well, d-do I look okay?” I stuttered.
It’s been a while since the last time.
“Yes! You look really pretty!” Christine gushed. “I knew you’d look great in that dress!”
“Thanks, Christine,” I smiled at the compliment.
“My God, Kyle! Christine is right! You make one hell of a pretty girl! It’s not just that the dress looks perfect on you, either. You have such soft features and . . . I mean . . . look at the way you’re standing, the way you’re holding your hands, the way you’re holding your head, and the way you’re smiling-”
“And blushing,” Christine added with a smirk.
“–and blushing. You look . . . so natural it’s almost . . . scary.”
I blushed at Taryn’s ebullient compliment, my eyes widening. I was thrilled, but . . .
“Really? Well, I, I know that’s a compliment, so thank you, but that’s . . . um . . . kind of disturbing.”
Wonderful, but disturbing.
Christine must not have thought so.
“Let’s give her a makeover!”
What? She never put makeup on me before!
“Her?” Taryn chortled at Christine, who rolled her eyes.
“Fine. Him,” she gave in.
“Well, the dare was to do this completely,” Taryn conceded.
“Whatever,” I shrugged.
At this point, I had gone far enough that makeup seemed like a small concession . . . until I saw my reflection made up with lipstick and mascara.
“Wow. That made a big difference! I really look like a girl now!” I pointed out, almost to myself.
Awww, I love the way I look! I want to cry I love it so much. That brought my train of thought to an abrupt stop. What? Wait a minute! Why the fuck do I want to cry right now? Why does dressing as a girl make me feel like this? Fuck, I need to figure this out, I really do!
“Yes, you do! Taryn, we have to do her nails!” Christine playfully begged.
“Yes, I guess we do,” Taryn slowly nodded as though she couldn’t quite believe what she was seeing.
“Whatever,” I shook my head as I chuckled.
“Come on, Taryn, we said completely like a girl!” Christine pushed.
“Yes, we sure did,” she agreed.
Taryn directed me to sit down at her desk, where she turned my nails a shade of lavender that roughly matched the dress.
“Ooh, that looks pretty!” Christine bubbled.
It does look pretty — really pretty!
Christine was clearly enjoying turning me into a girl. I had to admit, I was loving it myself.
“Taryn, can we put jewelry on her?”
“You’re right. She could use some. Let’s see . . .”
Taryn rummaged through her jewelry, eventually producing a thin silver chain with a flat, heart-shaped pendant on it. Once she put it around my neck she went back to retrieve a pair of small silver clip-on hoop earrings, which she put on me as well. To my right ring finger, she added a thin silver ring with tiny, colorless cubic zirconium crystals all the way around it. When she was done, she declared the jewelry complete.
“We need to do her hair!” Christine declared.
“Hmm, that would perfect the look, wouldn’t it?” Taryn agreed.
“Oh, if you insist. Just do it,” I pretended not to care.
They merely laughed at me.
Taryn brushed my hair for a minute, picked out a silver barrette and used it to pull half of my hair back. Once she had that portion of my hair securely clasped in the barrette, we returned to the mirror.
“Wow, this is really amazing. How can our brother look so good as a girl?” Taryn marveled.
“Hey!” Christine turned to me. “Kyle, you have to wear this for Halloween.”
I like that idea! It means being dressed as a girl in public, of course . . . but it will be Halloween. It’ll be okay.
“Well, we’ll see,” I hedged.
“Yeah, we’ll see . . . you in a dress again!”
Christine had all three of us laughing.
You just might, Christine.
I stared at myself in the mirror, turning this way and that. I caught myself smiling a bit too much and toned it down, hoping my sisters didn’t see it . . . but, I turned around just in time to catch my sisters exchanging glances. Damn!
“Okay, Kyle,” Taryn began, “you’ve fulfilled the dare, so you can change back now-”
“Wait a second! We went to all this trouble to make her pretty. Why ruin it so soon?” Christine interrupted.
Suddenly, her eyes twinkled.
“In fact, Kyle, I triple dare you to stay dressed as a girl until Mom gets home!”
We giggled at Christine again.
“Well, we need to be careful not to wrinkle that pretty dress, but if Kyle chooses to accept his next dare, we can replace the dress and slip with a skirt and top. It’s your call, Kyle. Are you taking the dare?”
“What is this, some kind of a reality TV show?” I blurted.
“They should make a show like that! I’d watch it all the time!” Christine giggled.
“I probably would too,” Taryn chuckled at her.
So would I, actually.
But Christine was apparently not finished having fun with me yet.
“Come on, Kyle! You’ve come too far to back out now!”
After giving it a moment’s thought, I shrugged awkwardly.
“Oh, all right. I’m already dressed as a girl. I guess it won’t hurt anything. I’m not afraid of a dare — but remember, you gave your word. No telling!”
“Yup. No telling!” Christine looked at Taryn. “Taryn, get the lady a skirt!”
Christine was a real laugh-a-minute.
“Alrighty then!” Taryn agreed.
She went to her closet and picked out a knee-length denim skirt and a red sweater with a V-neck. The sweater had a swatch of white fabric sewn across the bottom of the V-neck to give the look of a camisole edged with filigree lace being worn underneath it.
After I redressed we gathered in front of Taryn’s full-length mirror again.
“What do you think, Kyle?” Christine probed.
“Oh, I guess I’ll be comfortable enough in this for, what, a few hours?” I replied, turning to see Christine giggling.
Taryn glanced at her with a look of suspicion.
“Christine, what’s so funny? Uh oh!” Taryn put one hand on her head and rolled her eyes.
“What?” I froze, suddenly nervous.
Taryn crossed her arms as she playfully stared at Christine.
“When is Mom coming home?” She quietly demanded.
“Sunday night,” Christine laughed.
I looked at Christine with my eyes bugging out of my head.
“What?? Christine!” I whined as I spun around to face her.
“Come on, Christine, quit kidding around,” Taryn playfully warned, her arms still crossed.
It seemed that Christine couldn’t help laughing.
“I’m not kidding around. She won’t be back until Sunday night!”
“Oh my God! You’re serious, aren’t you?” I stared at my deviant little sister.
“I’m totally serious! Who do you think I was talking to on the phone while you were dolling yourself up in the bathroom?" she snickered. “I guess you’re staying a girl all weekend. Unless you’re afraid of a dare.”
I felt my soul fill up with a bizarre mixture of thrill and nausea as I thought about remaining a girl until Sunday night.
I was somewhat annoyed that Christine had issued a dare without telling me everything, but she had ultimately done me a favor. I really did need to dress as a girl and she had given me a chance to do that again.
“You two are going to keep your word, aren’t you? No telling anyone, right?” I eyed Christine for a long moment.
“Right. No telling,” Christine agreed.
“Yeah. We’re not telling anyone,” Taryn affirmed.
I let out a long sigh.
“All right; you win. I’ll take the dare.”
“Yay! I’m proud of you, Kyle!”
Christine gave me a hug and Taryn hugged me right after.
Gee, that’s kind of nice! They haven’t hugged me since I was six!
“Thanks, sisters!”
“You’re welcome, Kyle!” Christine smiled.
“Well, I don’t know about you two,” I stared at myself in the mirror, not paying attention to my own words, “but suddenly, I’m hungry!”
"Me, too. How about you, Christine?”
“Yeah, me three. Let’s go out for pizza!” She kidded.
I looked at Christine with horror.
“Oooooh, no! I’m not going out as a girl! No way, no how!”
“Christine, we’ve done enough to poor Kyle. Let’s have pizza here instead, okay?” Taryn negotiated.
“All right. Let’s eat here,” she acquiesced.
“That sounds good!” I added.
Chapter 8: Friday, May 14, 2010
“That was good!”
“Yeah, they never fail to deliver! Pun intended,”
Christine smirked as we chuckled at her silly joke.
We rose from the table and cleaned up the kitchen after our pizza feast.
“What do you want to do now?” Christine asked.
I looked at her intently as I pondered the motivation behind that question.
“Gee, Christine, I don’t know. Is there anything else you wanted to dare me to do?”
“Oh, Kyle, please don’t tempt her!” Taryn put one hand on her forehead.
Christine merely smiled.
“Don’t worry. You’re right. We’ve done enough. This time it’s just a suggestion.”
“Okay. Let’s hear it,” I smiled at Christine.
“Want to try on a few other clothes?”
“Well, I am already staying a girl until Sunday night. What difference does it make to try on a few things, right?”
“Right. Come on!” Christine beamed.
We went back up to Taryn’s room where we raided the clothes that were headed for Goodwill.
For the next two hours, we dressed me up in dresses, skirts, various tops, and even a few different colored pairs of tights. I loved every minute of it — though I hoped it wasn’t obvious. At the end of the night, we decided to change into our nightclothes before watching a movie. Since there were a couple of nightgowns that Taryn planned to give to Goodwill, I ended up wearing a pink nightie with tiny flowers on it.
When we sat down in front of the television, Christine had me sit down in front of a wing chair. She sat in the wing chair, doing my hair in a single braid behind my head. I enjoyed the treatment!
After the movie ended, taking with it one of the best days I ever had, we headed off to bed and I removed my makeup. I slept in the nightgown with my hair in the braid.
Chapter 9: Saturday, May 15, 2010
We had breakfast the next morning in our nightclothes. Our meal consisted of scrambled eggs and toast with apple butter. It turned out delicious. After we cleaned up, we went upstairs to get dressed.
Christine began thinking aloud before we reached the top of the stairs.
“We have to pick out something for our new sister to wear.”
“Yes, we do,” Taryn agreed.
“You should take a bath first, though, Kyle. It will make your skin soft. You’ll love it. Trust me!” Christine insisted.
“That’s a good idea! It’ll help to put you in a girly mindset for the day — oh, and Kyle, there’s some really nice lavender body wash in there. You should use it, okay?”
“Oh, joy,” I quipped, secretly eager to use the lavender body wash.
I headed for the tub and ran the bathwater. I used the body wash, which I loved. After I was done, I dared to take a few minutes to luxuriate in the tub. I began to think about the way I was enjoying my experimentation with femininity.
I love being dressed as a girl. It really feels so good inside, though I don’t really know why. I mean . . . being a girl should only feel good to a girl . . . but it sure feels good to me. Does that mean that I am a girl? I don’t think it necessarily does; at least, not on its own. But then again, being a boy sure as hell doesn’t work for me. All the guys at school think I’m a sissy wimp and I don’t understand them to save my life. I seem to understand girls okay, though — like when I overheard Susan talking to Cynthia at school.
I understood completely when Susan said that she was worried that her boyfriend didn’t love her anymore because he was acting funny and he wouldn’t tell her what was going on.
The conversation took place in front of a row full of ancient lockers the color of hot mustard. Susan’s locker was only about five feet away from mine. A couple of guys, Jake and Adam, had neighboring lockers about the same distance to Susan’s other side.
“I’m afraid he’s seeing someone else behind my back,” Susan wailed.
“Why, Susan? What’s been happening?” Cynthia put a gentle hand on her friend’s shoulder.
Susan quickly wiped away a tear.
“He’s been distant for like two weeks and he won’t tell me what’s wrong or what’s going on. He hasn’t been affectionate either. He hasn’t hugged me in ten days! I mean, sure, it would be one thing if we only saw each other once a week, but we see each other every day. Hell, we have four classes together!”
“Uh oh. That’s not good.”
Jake and Adam began laughing at poor Susan, who looked at them with annoyance.
“No, it’s not. I just hope he isn’t cheating on me - and I’m not accusing him of cheating on me, not yet. I’m just worried about it. I just don’t know why else he wouldn’t tell me what’s going on with him. He usually does — and he has never gone this long without at least giving me a quick hug or two.”
“Have you asked him if he’s cheating on you?”
“Not yet . . . but I’m about to do just that-”
Jake and Adam were still laughing at Susan. I couldn’t believe those two assholes! How could they laugh at Susan when her heart was breaking like that?
Susan finally snapped at them.
“What is your problem, you two? Do you think it’s funny when a guy treats his girlfriend this way?”
I certainly didn’t.
“Look, it’s nothing personal,” Jake insisted. “Guys just need some space sometimes. You girls just don’t understand. That’s all.”
“Yeah, well, people have feelings!” Susan fired right back. “When you close yourself off to someone you love, it hurts! You boys just don’t understand. That’s all!”
“Jesus Christ! Don’t be such a fucking nag, Susan. Shit, no wonder he’s not into you anymore,” Adam snorted.
“Fuck you!”
Susan slammed her locker and walked away in tears. Cynthia did her best to comfort her as they walked. Poor Susan! I totally felt for her. Those guys were being such insensitive pricks!
I glared at Jake and Adam, trying my best to conceal my contempt but not quite succeeding.
“What are you looking at, you little faggot?”
I’m looking at a couple of giant assholes.
“Nothing,” I replied.
I looked back at the girls. As I watched them walk down the hall, I realized that I had witnessed a classic boy versus girl tiff — and I had understood the girl, not the boy! It was the girl I wanted to defend!
Relaxing in the sudsy, sweet-smelling bath, I leaned my head back with my eyes closed as I digested my thoughts.
I really understand why Susan felt the way she did. Of course Susan was worried! If I were in a situation like hers, I would feel worried about my partner’s affections waning, too — but that’s just it. It’s always the girls I understand and never the boys. But how can that be? Am I just a nice guy who likes to dress as a girl? Then again, there’s a huge difference between being a nice guy and actually understanding Susan’s point of view - and I really understood her point of view, almost as though I were feeling her feelings. Maybe I really am a girl. God, I really need to know!
I heard a knock on the door just as I let out a deep sigh.
“Kyle, you need to get out of the tub before you turn into a big white raisin!” Christine giggled at her own humor.
“You’re probably right,” I chuckled. “Okay, here I come!”
I eased out of the bath, marveling at just how much I had enjoyed it as I opened up the drain. I took a minute to dry myself off with a fluffy, white towel before wrapping the towel around me as a girl would and heading for Taryn’s lilac room.
“I’m back!”
“Good. Let’s get you dressed!”
Taryn had picked out an outfit, which was now waiting on the bed for me. I liked what I saw. The burgundy knee-length corduroy skirt looked comfortable. It was a perfect match to the soft sweater with a scoop neck in shades of burgundy, gray and white. The pair of black, casual, leather flats that Taryn picked out were a great touch. As she rummaged in the Goodwill bag for underwear, I noticed that she pulled out a white bra and panty set . . . and another pair of white tights.
I could feel my anticipation building at the thought of dressing as a girl again. I knew I needed to keep my reaction to a minimum. All right, Kyle. Poker face!
“Tights again, huh?” I observed nonchalantly.
Christine and Taryn giggled at me.
“Yeah. If you’re okay with tights,” Christine answered, knowing perfectly well that I enjoyed wearing hose.
“Um, sure . . . I guess.”
Christine and Taryn exchanged glances right in front of me.
“What?”
“It’s really nothing, Kyle. I think we’re both just curious if you like tights,” Taryn admitted.
Christine just smiled at me knowingly, giggling at me while my mind worked.
Shit. How the hell am I supposed to answer that? Should I lie to my own sister or admit that I love wearing tights? Damn it!
“Well, they’re comfortable enough, I guess,” I hedged.
“Okay then. Your outfit for today is on the bed. Come back in here when you’re done getting dressed and I’ll redo your braid for you. Braids are pretty but sleeping in them can mess them up a little bit.”
I rolled my eyes as I shook my head in a good-natured way.
“Whatever.”
At that, I headed for my room to get dressed, grabbing the outfit along the way. I carefully closed my door behind me and put my outfit on the bed. I smiled at the pretty clothes I was about to put on. I got myself dressed quickly enough that I sat on my bed for a few minutes so my sisters wouldn’t wonder why I got dressed so fast.
As I passed the time, I looked around my room. The only color on my off-white walls came from the posters of rock groups. My navy comforter added a dab of color. The dark green futon chair lent its own touch of humanity. Yet, the room was still not very comfortable.
I grimaced as I realized that my room felt wrong. It might have been because I was dressed as a girl, but I found myself wishing to redecorate my room.
But redecorate it how? Like Taryn’s room, which is comfortable? Why the hell do I find her room more comfortable than mine anyway? Shit, I don’t know what I’m thinking anymore.
When enough time had passed, I walked back to Taryn’s room, where she refreshed my braid, as promised, and applied my makeup. Before long, she finished me off by adorning me with the same jewelry she’d picked out the previous night.
“You look pretty again, Kyle.”
“Oh. Thanks, Christine. Hey, um . . .”
Shit, do I really want to say this? Well . . . what can it hurt?
“What is it, Kyle?”
“Well, I was just . . . kind of thinking . . . I might want to . . . use a different name when I’m . . . dressed like this,” I stammered.
They exchanged glances again.
“Okay. Do you know what you’d like us to call you?”
Should I really say this? Yeah, I guess it’s okay.
They’re not laughing at me.
“I kind of like the name Lilli.”
“That’s a pretty name. That’s what Mom was going to name you if you were born a girl. I wonder why Mom didn’t name me Lilli when I was born. You came out a boy, after all!” Christine mock-pouted, eliciting a giggle from Taryn.
“Mom actually told me the reason once. When she was pregnant with Lilli, she felt that Lilli was a gentle soul because of the way she moved inside of Mom. There were no rough kicks or abrupt movements. She could feel you moving, but your moves were gentle. As for you, Christine, when Mom was pregnant with you, well, you were too feisty to be a Lilli.”
“Rats!” She continued her mock-pout for a couple of seconds before smiling brightly. “Just kidding. I love my name. So what do you want to do now? We’ve already tried on everything in the Goodwill bags.”
“Well, knowing Mom, she probably asked us to do some housework when she called,” Taryn supposed.
“Oh yeah. She did,” Christine admitted with chagrin.
“Yeah, she would. Anyway, let’s get that done now and we’ll have some more fun after lunch,” Taryn suggested.
“Come on.”
We spent the next couple of hours vacuuming, dusting, cleaning and emptying wastebaskets. I had not partaken of such activities before, but I found it unexpectedly satisfying to help out.
Chapter 10: Saturday, May 15, 2010
We had lunch at one o’clock, and as we ate, we talked about what we would do for the afternoon. Christine started a new ball rolling when she asked a seemingly innocent question. Perhaps more accurately, I did when I answered her.
“Do you like being a girl, Lilli?”
Uh oh. I need a neutral answer. Quick!
“Oh, well, I don’t know if I’m really being a girl just hanging around the house,” I tried before I abruptly froze.
Wrong answer! Shit! I know exactly how Christine’s going to respond to that!
Christine looked at Taryn for a moment.
“Well, you don’t have to stay in the house. I’m sure we could think of a safe enough way to take you out somewhere.”
Note to self: never talk without thinking! Damn it! I silently scolded myself as Taryn raised her eyebrows.
“What you do think, Lilli?”
I do want to go out somewhere but I don’t think I have the nerve. Besides, I don’t want them to think I like this too much — even if I really am a girl.
“Oh . . . w-well . . .”
“If anyone asks, you can just say that I dared you to,” Christine suggested with a plucky smile. “I’m not daring you to, just so you know, but you can still say that.”
“Um . . . w-well . . .”
“Although,” Christine smiled evilly, “I can dare you for real if it helps any!”
I shot her a look.
“Please don’t!” Taryn chuckled.
Asking Christine not to dare me only made her smile more. Forbid a teenager to do something . . .
“I dare you to take a walk with us while you’re still dressed as a girl!”
Aw, shit. I need to learn to turn down stupid dares!
“Lilli, you should only accept a dare if you’re really comfortable with it. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Taryn refereed.
“Wet blanket!” Christine stuck her tongue out at her.
"Quiet, you!" Taryn looked at her as though daring her to talk back again.
Do I want to? Well . . . yes. I do want to. I have fantasized about that, but I just don’t think that . . . but then again, I really do need to know . . . and this might really help.
“Lilli?” Taryn gently prodded, turning back to me.
“I’m thinking.”
“Well, I’ll tell you what, Lilli.” Christine was back in her persistent mode. “We don’t have to talk to anybody or go anyplace specific. We can just walk down the street a ways and walk back. We don’t have to stay out very long either.”
I really don’t know if I should. But I feel like I have to. How else am I ever going to figure out if I really am a girl? Besides, this time it’s a dare. I might never have that excuse again. I don’t get dared to walk around outside as a girl every day. This is the only time that’s ever happened to me. I doubt it will happen again. I have to do this. I really have to.
I swallowed.
“Okay. I’ve decided.”
I looked back and forth between my sisters.
“I’m going to do it.”
They cheered and hugged me again. I loved it when they did that!
“We can’t go anywhere, though. I can only get myself to do this if it’s just down the street and back.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do. Do you want to go now or wait for a bit?” Christine asked eagerly.
I thought for a moment.
“I should probably do it now before I change my mind.”
“Okay! Let's go!”
Christine sure seemed eager for this to happen! I was kind of excited, but I was more afraid. I wished that I could be as enthusiastic as she was.
Our afternoon plans decided, we cleaned up after our lunch. Taryn handed me a small, black purse and long, black coat that went with my outfit.
“There isn’t anything in the purse, but . . . you really do look better with it.”
I wondered about the purse, but if it was going to help me look normal then I was all for it! I accepted the purse and slipped the strap over my shoulder.
“Thanks. I guess I’ll put my wallet, cell phone and house keys in it.”
“Now you’re thinking like a girl!” Christine quipped, but stopped, wondering if she should have said that.
I really didn’t mind. I chuckled at her remark, hoping it would deliver the message.
“Thanks, I guess.”
“You’re welcome,” she uttered with hint of relief.
When I came back down the stairs after retrieving my cell phone, keys and wallet - just in case - we headed for the front door.
I took a deep breath and Taryn paused at the door.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
No, I am not sure about this at all, but I really need to know if I’m a girl!
“I’m as ready as I’m going to get. Let’s go.”
“All right,” Taryn smiled, opening the front door.
“We’re proud of you, Lilli! This takes courage!”
Christine reassured with a gentle shoulder rub.
“Yeah!” Taryn agreed.
I smiled warmly at my sisters.
“Thanks, you two.”
I felt myself step into a different world as I walked out the door. When Taryn locked the door behind us, I got a funny feeling that something within me was now locked into the past. We slowly turned and walked down the street.
My gait was as stiff as a two-by-four during the first few blocks of our walk. I did the best I could to be natural and I soon relaxed. It helped that we walked at a relaxed pace, bathed in warm sunlight beneath a bright, blue sky.
Taryn leaned close to whisper to me.
“Wow, Lilli, I don’t think we even need to tell you how to walk like a girl. Have you been practicing?”
I turned as red as the stop sign we were approaching.
“No, of course not.”
Christine giggled.
“Lilli always walked like that,” Christine giggled. “Haven’t you ever noticed, Taryn?”
I looked at Christine in surprise.
“I have? Really?”
“Yeah. Don’t worry; it’s okay.”
I began to relax as we bantered. A couple of times, we were passed by people walking the other way, including a boy who was somewhere around my age. He looked at me in a way I’ve never seen a boy look at me in my life! I turned around to see if he was still looking — and he was!
Wow. That was weird — like 'Twilight Zone' weird.
“I think he likes you!” Christine kidded me.
“Oh, please don’t!” I blurted.
“It’s only natural for a girl to want a boyfriend, you know!” She teased.
“I have a major crush on Mira. You know that!”
“I know.” Christine softened up. “I was only kidding.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Hey, Lilli,” Taryn changed the subject. “How come you call her Mira?”
“I don’t know. I think I started that accidentally,” I giggled, “and, well, she never corrected me, so . . . it just kind of stuck. Why do you ask?” I fingered my pendant unconsciously.
“No important reason. It’s just that everyone else I know calls her Miranda.”
“Really? I didn’t know that. I wonder why she lets me call her Mira?”
“I don’t know. That’s probably a good question,” Taryn smiled knowingly.
“Ooo! Ice cream!” Christine squealed.
I looked around to see what she was shrieking at and found that we were walking up to the local Ben & Jerry's.
Oh, God. Christine loves that place!
“Want to go in?” she smiled hopefully.
“It might be fun to stop in there. I could use a little ice cream. What do you think, Lilli?” Taryn checked.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea, but thus far, I hadn’t experienced life as a girl except for the few people that passed us going the other way. I decided that I still didn’t know how it felt to really be a girl. I glanced inside the ice cream parlor and saw only three other people. Maybe the poor owners could use the business.
Gawd, I don’t know if I should do this. On the other hand, when is this going to happen again? What if this is my only chance? I need to fucking figure myself out! Anyway, if I don’t do this, then what the hell was the point of leaving the house as a girl?
“Let’s go in,” I decided.
“I’m impressed, Lilli!” Christine grinned at me.
“Me, too! We’re so proud of you that we’re making it our treat. How about that?” Taryn proposed.
Now, that was hard to argue with!
“Sounds good to me!”
We all ordered a cup of ice cream and sat at a tiny table to eat it. The cashier had smiled at me and addressed me as Miss. I had liked it more than I had expected to.
One of the other three people in the ice cream parlor was a girl who was about six years old. She abruptly hurried over to me to chat.
“What’s your name?”
“I’m Lilli. What’s your name?” I smiled warmly at her.
“My name’s Jocelyn. I like your braid. It’s so pretty!” she gushed.
I beamed as I took in the compliment.
“Thank you, Jocelyn. I love your pigtails, too. They look adorable on you,” I reciprocated.
“Thank you!”
Jocelyn giggled as her parents approached.
“Time to go home, Jocelyn. I hope she wasn’t bothering you.” Her mother was looking at me, making me very nervous. I gave them all a smile.
“Oh, she was no bother at all. She’s adorable!” I assured the family.
“Yeah, she’s very cute!” Christine concurred.
Jocelyn giggled, buried her head in her mother’s leg, and uttered a muffled reply as her mother chuckled at her.
“I think she’s saying thank you.”
“You’re welcome!” I smiled again.
“Well, you three girls have fun,” the mother directed to me.
“Thank you. We will.”
I beamed at Jocelyn and her family.
We waited long enough for the family to leave the ice cream parlor before Christine started in.
“You were great with Jocelyn, Lilli!”
“Yeah, you were. How did it feel?” Taryn enthused.
I was still smiling broadly.
“It felt really good.”
“Cool!”
Christine gave me a knowing look that Taryn, thankfully, did not pick up on — but Christine obviously knew I was feeling great! I was so comfortable being myself that I forgot there was anything unusual about my appearance.
“Hi, Taryn! Hi, Christine!”
I smiled when I saw Mira approaching with a cup of ice cream. I had had a massive crush on her since the fifth grade. What a treat it would be to have her join my sisters and I at our table!
“Hi! Do you want to join us?” I smiled brightly at her.
Taryn and Christine glanced at each other.
“Er, yeah, sit down with us! It’s nice to see you, Miranda!” Taryn smiled deliberately, Christine following suit.
Mira smiled at me and sat down next to me.
“Hi, I’m Miranda. Is it okay if I sit here?” she inquired earnestly.
Next to me??
“Yeah, sure!” I beamed at her.
Wait, why is she introducing herself to me?
Taryn and Christine looked at me as though they were checking on me.
And what’s their problem?
I smiled at them as I enjoyed myself. It was a nice day, the ice cream tasted great and Mira was sitting next to me!
Mira looked at me askance for a moment, as though I had forgotten something.
“So, what’s your name?” she asked.
“I’m Lilli,” I replied merrily.
Suddenly, I half-choked on a bite of ice cream as alarm bells sounded in my head.
Oh my God! I’m dressed as a girl in front of Mira in tights and everything! If Mira figures out who I am she will never want me!
I stared down at my ice cream as I felt my heart sink and my emotions swell. I could no longer enjoy myself.
Unfortunately, Mira noticed.
“Lilli, are you okay?” she asked tenderly.
Oh, GOD, this not happening! Think fast! What would suddenly make a girl feel upset?
I finished the last two bites of my ice cream to gain some time to think.
“Y-yeah, um, just um,” I leaned forward and lowered my voice, “it’s just that my ‘monthly visitor’ is a total bitch, that’s all. She likes to show up unannounced and surprise me right when I’m having fun,” I mock-griped.
I may not have ovaries but I am in pain!
Taryn didn’t seem quite sure what to do, but Christine came right to my rescue. She reached across the table and gently put one hand on my forearm.
“Oh, sweetie, well let’s get you home, yeah?”
“I think that would be best, yes,” I smiled weakly.
Otherwise I might start crying right here.
“I’d be happy to give you a ride,” Mira offered, hastily finishing her ice cream.
Shit. This is getting better and better. Where, oh, where will it end? I silently bemoaned.
I stiffened again as another thought hit me.
Oh, God! What if she knows it’s me when she drops me off at my house with Taryn and Christine? Fuck!! What do I do?
“Thanks, Miranda. Let’s go!” Christine accepted, making the choice for me.
“Yeah, thanks, M-Miranda. That’s a good idea,” I agreed. I supposed that it would get me home quicker.
“Oh, no problem! That’s what friends are for, right?” she smiled.
We disposed of our empty ice cream cups and piled into Mira’s shiny red VW Bug. Two minutes later, Mira pulled up in front of our house. It was enough time for me to do some quick thinking.
During the ride home I realized that I didn’t care who knew I wasn’t born a girl, mainly because nobody did. I was only upset about the potential loss of any possibility of romance with the girl I loved like no other — and that hurt more than words could express!
My stomach began to feel upset and I placed a hand on my abdomen, which unbeknownst to me, slipped several inches down amidst the bumps on the way home.
Taryn noticed this as she got out and she helped me out of the car. I didn’t know exactly why she was doing that, but I went along with it. I looked back at Mira for a moment.
“Thanks for driving us, M-Miranda,” I deliberately used her full name.
I could not look at her anymore. It hurt me too much. I looked away, hoping that I didn’t look away too fast. As I turned for the front door with Christine, I heard Miranda briefly speak to Taryn.
“Is she okay, Taryn?”
“Yeah, she is.”
“I hope I didn’t do anything . . .”
“You didn’t. Really.” Taryn tried to reassure her.
“Okay. Well, um . . . I guess I’ll . . . I’ll . . . head home myself,” Mira trailed off.
“Okay. Take care, Miranda. We’ll see you later,” Taryn reassured her.
“Yeah. You too.”
Taryn closed the car door and I heard the car drive away. As I reached the front door, I turned around to watch Mira drive away while Taryn opened the door. Right when I did, Mira stopped at a stop sign and I thought I saw her turn around and look back at me. I looked away before she recognized me and stepped inside.
Chapter 11: Sunday, May 16, 2010
“Lilli?” Mira gently shook me. “What are you thinking about?”
Her question gently brought me back to the basement, where I awaited my fate.
“I was, um . . . I was thinking about Friday when we ran into you at the ice cream shop and you saw my true self for the first time.”
“Yeah?” Mira smiled.
“Yeah. I guess I’m just . . . I guess my life is kind of flashing before my eyes or something,” I giggled half-heartedly.
“Hey, now!” Christine threw an arm around me. “You’re not dying here — and Mom is not going to kill you, either! She may be uncomfortable — and she might make you be a boy for school and stuff, at least for now, but she’s not going to ream you out or anything, okay?”
“I know. I just can’t help worrying about it, that’s all.”
Unwilling to dwell on the possibility of my mother making me be a boy, my mind sought ways to escape the room, and I let it go where it would.
PART THREE IS COMING SOON!
Kyle has purged and is trying to be "normal" - only to find it impossible. After two years of misery, his sister Christine dares him to put on their sister Taryn's dress. Can he resist? What happens to Kyle - and what does his mischievous sister have in store for him?
This time: What will Lilli do about Mira, the girl she loves?
BUDDING LILLI - PART 3
Chapter 12: Saturday, May 15, 2010
“Lilli, are you okay?”
Taryn closed the front door behind us. I could still faintly hear Mira’s car driving away.
“No,” I mumbled, letting out a long sigh. “She would never even consider going out with me now. Not after meeting Lilli.”
I stopped as I realized that something felt wrong about that sentence — and I knew what it was. It felt wrong to use my feminine name in the third person. I was Lilli — even if I was also Kyle. Still . . .
“Well, Lilli, I don’t think she knew about you,” Taryn tried to persuade me.
“I think she figured it out — she turned around and looked at me when she got to that stop sign as she drove away,” I countered.
“Awww. Poor girl. We never meant for this to happen!” Christine hugged me and Taryn made it a group hug.
“I know. I’m not mad at you two at all. I was the one who chose to go into that ice cream parlor. But I needed to go in there! If I didn’t live as a girl, at least a little, then what was the point of leaving the house?”
“That’s true.” Taryn nodded as though deciding that she would try to cheer me up. “You know, Lilli, that remark about your monthly visitor was pretty funny.”
Christine giggled but I could only manage a weak smile.
“Yeah,” I admitted. I paused before I hastily explained, “I wasn’t making fun of menstruation or anything. I just needed something to say that wouldn’t blow my cover.”
“We know,” Christine smirked as she tucked a loose lock of hair behind my ear.
“Oh. Good,” I sighed. “I think I need some alone time right now. I’m just, um . . .” I gestured over my shoulder with my thumb. “I’m just going to go up to my room for a while.”
“Okay. We’ll leave you alone, but just so you know, we’d be happy to talk with you, too, if you need to talk about it,” Taryn advised me.
I thought for a moment. I did want to talk about it but I didn’t know exactly what I needed to talk about.
“Maybe later. Thanks, Taryn.”
“You’re welcome.”
I turned around and trudged up to my room. I went inside, closed the door, and sat on my bed. I felt a lump in my throat as tears began to flow and, for the first time, I did nothing to suppress them. I let them come; I would have welcomed them were it not for the reason they were present.
Removing my shoes, I lay down on my bed, carefully smoothing my skirt as I did so. As I laid my head on my pillow, staring at my ceiling, all I could think about was Mira. I reached for a tissue from my nightstand to dry my eyes as more tears flowed. After several minutes, the tears stopped. I felt numb. I lay there trying to figure myself out.
I had liked being treated as a girl at the ice cream parlor and I had even enjoyed the way that Mira seemed to accept me as a girl. It felt good to chat with Jocelyn just like a girl. But was I a girl? I still couldn’t figure it out.
One thing had become clear, however. I was not a boy. There was no way I was a boy. I found boys annoying, insensitive and incomprehensible more often than not. When that boy had ogled me on the way to the ice cream parlor, I felt different from him; I felt that I was not like him. There was just something different between us.
I realized that I had always felt that way around boys. Where I should have felt similarity I felt only difference. We were not of the same kind. I didn’t know what my kind was, but I knew it wasn’t that! I was not a boy. That meant that I was a girl or . . . or what? What was the alternative? Was I non-gendered or bi-gendered? Did such things even exist?
Other than the fact that I was not a boy, the only thing I knew with any certainty was that Mira would never want me either way, not as a girl and not as a non-gendered or bi-gendered person. There might have been a chance in a hundred that Mira could overlook seeing me dressed as a girl if I were a boy, but I now knew that I was not a boy.
I closed my eyes as tears resumed leaking. The lump returned to my throat. Somewhere between sobbing and drying my eyes, I drifted off to sleep.
When Taryn came to my door and woke me up, I saw that it was dark outside.
“We’re going to have dinner soon. Are you feeling any better? I know you must feel heartsick.”
I slowly sat up as Taryn sat down next to me and put one arm around me.
“I feel a little better, I guess,” I rasped as I looked out the window. “Wow. I was out for a while, huh?”
“Yeah. Just under three hours.”
I continued staring out my window as I considered whether to tell my sister what I'd been thinking about. I took a breath, and my words were just there with my exhalation.
“I’m not a boy, Taryn. There’s no way I’m a boy . . . there’s just no way.”
I paused, my mind drifting around somewhere outside.
“Wow.”
Taryn waited for me to continue my ponderous soliloquy.
“I don’t know if I’m a girl or if I’m just . . . non-gendered or something, but . . . I’m not a boy. Boys piss me off.”
Taryn giggled at me and I abruptly joined her. I felt a bit better after telling Taryn of my gender struggles.
“Well, boys piss me off a lot, too. Just be glad you’re not attracted to them at the same time. Trust me; it can be a real head fuck.”
We shared a giggle as I stood up and put my shoes back on.
“I bet it is — and I don’t envy you,” I laughed again. “Anyway, I think I’d like to let Christine in on what’s going through my head. Come on.”
“Okay.”
I glanced at my mirror on the way out.
“Oh, shit. I messed up my braid again.”
“That’s okay. Let me fix it for you.”
“Thanks. No wonder girls don’t wear braids that often!”
We shared a giggle as Taryn deftly rewove my braid.
Chapter 13: Saturday, May 15, 2010
Christine was sitting in our mother’s office, using her computer to access the Internet. Taryn and I sat down in a couple of guest chairs that our mom kept in her office.
“Hey, Christine. Got a minute?” I smiled at her.
She looked at me with an expression that told me she was puzzled. Suddenly, she spun her chair to face us and propped her feet on the desk.
“Okay, the doctor is in. What’s going on, you two?”
“I was doing some thinking upstairs, Christine — well, I was before I fell asleep,” I chuckled.
“Okay,” she gently prompted.
“I am very clear on something now and I wanted to tell you.”
“Well, okay. You can tell me whenever you’re ready,” she encouraged.
“Okay. Here it is. I know now that I am not a boy,” I stated.
Christine looked at me, with her eyebrows raised and her head cocked slightly to one side.
“Wow. So do you mean you’re a girl?”
I paused again as I puzzled over how to answer that question.
“W-well, I-I don’t know. I might be a girl or I might be . . . well, ‘non-gendered’ for lack of a better word. But I’m not a boy.”
“Whoa! I can’t imagine what it must have been like to figure that out. That must have been hard. But anyway, that’s totally okay with me,” Christine insisted as she got up and hugged me.
“Thanks, Christine.”
I thought for a moment as I looked back and forth between my sisters.
“You know what? I love it when we hug each other. I seriously doubt many boys would say that.”
Christine’s eyebrows seemed to stretch higher.
“Yeah, I doubt that, too. So, um . . . how did you figure out that you’re not a boy?”
“It’s a lot of things, actually, but just to give you an example, whenever I’m around boys I feel like we’re different, like you or I would feel if we were standing in downtown Tokyo. I feel like I don’t come from the same world as boys do. I feel like I’m surrounded with a different culture and a different language. I feel like I don’t know the land and I can’t read the street signs and I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing.
“When I’m around girls, though, it’s more like I’m standing in downtown right here. I feel that I’m with people like me, people who . . . well, who come from where I come from and who are familiar with the place we come from as much as I am. I feel like I could talk to any one of them about where we come from and they would say, ‘oh yeah, I know just what you’re talking about’. They would also be speaking a language that I speak naturally. Am I making any sense?”
Christine’s eyebrows were still raised.
“Yes, I understand what you’re saying. That’s . . . amazing. It’s really amazing. Wow. I’ve never felt anything like that — but if I think about it now, I guess I do feel the same way around boys that you do, like they’re from a different planet — a planet that I never want to visit for that matter,” she joked, winning a round of chuckles.
“Although,” she added, “I guess it sounds like you were born there and you were expected to turn out like one of them, but you’re more like . . . well, I was going to say a Venusian on Mars, but I know that you’re not sure yet.”
“Well, you certainly have the right idea, though.”
I told Christine and Taryn about overhearing Susan’s conversation with Cynthia and feeling acute understanding for Susan’s predicament. They both seemed surprised at that one.
“Okay, you are definitely not a boy!” Taryn declared.
“Yeah! No boy would ever understand that, let alone say that! If a boy ever says that - who is a boy on the inside, anyway - then I want to marry him!” Christine joked.
“Unless I find him first!” Taryn challenged.
I laughed at my sisters, but part of me hurt when they said that. They both said that they wanted a boy who really was a boy; a normal boy. I was sure that most girls felt that way. Mira probably felt the same way. I decided it was time to change the subject.
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m getting hungry again.”
“Yeah, me too,” Christine agreed.
Taryn took charge of making dinner happen.
“That makes three of us. We had pizza last night, so let’s make some pasta tonight, okay?”
“Sure!”
“Sounds good.”
“Okay,” Taryn approved, “Let’s get started with the preparation. I’ve already set the dining room table.”
Dining room table? We only eat in the dining room when we’re expecting company!
“Y-yeah, I’ll be right there,” I stammered. “Let me just use the bathroom.”
“Okay. We’ll meet you in the kitchen.”
I hung back as they headed over to the kitchen, and I hurried to the guest bathroom to take care of business. When I finished, I stole over to the dining room to see if Taryn was serious about setting the dining room table. It was true — and it looked really nice, too! So who the hell was coming over?
Chapter 14: Saturday, May 15, 2010
I turned to leave the dining room, intent on interrogating my sisters, when the doorbell rang. I froze in my tracks.
There were narrow windows on either side of the front door that afforded a complete view of the foyer. There was a door leading to the kitchen at the other end of the dining room, but that door was visible from the front stoop through the dining room window. If I didn’t want to be seen dressed as a girl then I could not leave the dining room! I was trapped where I was!
I could do nothing but wait as Taryn walked out of the kitchen and answered the door. When she opened the door, I could see who was standing there — looking nervously back at me.
“Hi, Miranda. I’m glad you could make it.”
Taryn hugged my friend, whom I knew Taryn had invited. I looked at Taryn in shock before returning my stare to Mira, who continued to look at me.
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else,” Mira admitted.
Mira glanced at Taryn but she was still looking at me. She had recognized me. I could feel it. Now she also knew that I was still dressed as a girl four hours after we left the ice cream parlor! I stood rooted to the spot with my mind seized up. I tried to speak, but nothing came out. The only thing I managed to say was, “Excuse me.”
I darted up the stairs to my room, where I closed the door behind me, slumping on my bed with fresh tears running down my face. Of all people, it had to be Mira, the one person I couldn’t possibly face — and Taryn invited her! How could she do that to me? It had hurt me to even look at Mira. I grabbed my pillow to hug it, burying my face in it as I cried, blocking out the boyish room around me.
Less than a minute had passed when I heard a knock on my door.
“Lilli? May I come in? Please?” Mira begged. “I really need to talk to you. I really need to understand what’s happening.”
I paused as I tried to regain my composure.
“Lilli, please talk to me.”
I knew how much Mira needed me to talk with her. She was worried that I might be angry with her or that she had done something wrong. I had understood Susan when she talked to Cynthia and I understood Mira now. She needed me to communicate with her - and I wasn’t about to leave her hanging. I wrestled my composure under control, put down my pillow and rose to open my door for Mira.
I pulled my door open to find Mira standing there, looking at me with deep apprehension on her face. She definitely needed to talk. I opened my door fully, standing aside for her as I wiped another tear from one cheek.
“Come on in. Please, make yourself comfortable.”
I stood in front of the mirror on my dresser, still wearing my sister’s clothes as the girl I loved sat on my bed. I was very nervous and I had been crying. It was hard for me to think straight.
“If you need to think for a minute, it’s really okay,” Mira assured me with a smile.
I loved a pretty smile on a pretty girl, but Mira’s smile had always melted my heart like cheese on a hot pizza. I longed to tell her that, but . . . fat chance now.
I swallowed as I struggled to relate my story, grateful that the two of us were alone in the room.
“I, um . . .” I took a ragged breath as I wiped away another tear.
“I need to explain why I’m dressed like this.” I looked at her hopefully.
“Okay. Please tell me. I’d love to hear all about it,” Mira smiled at me.
“Okay. Good,” I nodded as I took a breath of cautious relief.
“W-well, um . . . on Friday . . . Christine was helping Taryn clean out her closet . . . because it was really full and she had a bunch of stuff that she doesn’t wear any more. I was also helping because . . . well . . . I was bored.”
I chuckled ruefully at how silly that sounded. It was a half-truth, but blurting out that I loved my sister’s clothes was no way to start explaining myself.
“I-I mean . . . I had felt . . . off . . . for a few months by then and . . . I just didn’t have much of an appetite for the stuff I usually like. I guess I thought it would be, um . . . entertaining,” I sighed, the irony not lost on me.
I dared to glance over at Mira and I saw that she was still smiling at me. That helped me relax somewhat, but as I continued my story I was too timid to look at her again and I stared at my reflection as I resumed where I had left off.
“Anyway, um . . . Christine started joking that this really beautiful lavender dress would look good on me. Then she took it further . . .”
I told her about everything, right up until we got to the ice cream parlor. I left that out since she’d been present for that part of it. Mira then asked me if it was my first time dressing as a girl. I decided to be totally open and honest with her. I explained my history of dressing as a girl and even my exploration of my gender.
“Wow. You really have been struggling, haven’t you?”
I finally looked over at Mira and smiled at her.
“Yeah, I have. Anyway, Mira, now you know that I was never upset with you and you didn’t do anything wrong or hurt me in any way.”
“Okay. Good. I’m really glad to know that. Thank you for telling me,” she smiled, her tension visibly leaving her.
“You’re welcome.”
“Come and sit with me. Please?” Mira patted the bed in an alluring manner.
Without hesitation, I sat down next to her, tending to my skirt as I did. Much to my delight, she hugged me tightly. When she was done, she kept her arms around me.
“Lilli, can I ask a question?”
“Of course you can,” I smiled at Mira. “Go ahead.”
“When we were at the ice cream parlor . . . what was that awful look of pain I saw on your face after I arrived?”
I gulped and took a breath.
“That was when it hit me that . . . that, um . . .” I took another breath. “God, I don’t know how to say this . . . I-I don’t know if . . . if you even want to know this . . .”
I looked down at my hands, which had begun to shake, as Mira gently took them into hers before looking me in the eyes very earnestly.
“I do want to know. Really. I want to know everything. Please,” she implored as she gently squeezed my hands.
Wow. She really does want to know.
“Just, um . . . just take it a step at a time,” she encouraged. “I’m not going to go anywhere.”
“Okay.”
I took another breath. I tried to figure out how to say what I needed to say, but my mind was not working very well. I decided to just say it.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I . . . I have some pretty strong romantic feelings for you. I have had those feelings for a long time.”
A tear slid down my cheek. I could scarcely say it.
“At the ice cream parlor . . . what you saw in my face . . . was the realization that you would never want me because . . . you know, I’m not a boy. I don’t even know what I am,” I sobbed.
My voice began to quaver as another tear leaked down my cheek.
“Lilli, there’s something you don’t know about me that you definitely want to know,” Mira admitted as she wiped away my tear.
I looked up to see her smiling at me.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” she nodded.
“W-what is it?” I sniffled.
She leaned close to whisper, her lips tickling my ear, sending waves of pleasure through my body like jolts of electricity.
“I’m bisexual . . . and I have feelings for you, too. I always have. I’ve always known you were different . . . and that’s what I’ve always loved about you so much.”
I was stunned.
“W-w . . . b-but . . . y-you knew about me?”
“Well, no. I thought you looked familiar when I saw you at the ice cream parlor, but it didn't click then. I didn't know you were a girl until I got to the stop sign after I dropped you off when 'your monthly visitor arrived.'”
We broke into laughter, holding each other tightly, resting our heads against one another.
“But I knew that I loved you no matter what,” she cooed.
“Awww! You're making me cry!” I smiled passionately at her, wiping away a stray tear.
She pulled back just far enough to position our faces inches apart, so that she could look me in the eyes. Our conversation remained in the realm of whispering.
“You are a very special person, Lilli — and I don’t care if you really are a girl.”
“Really?”
“Really,” she nodded, never taking her eyes away from mine. “In fact, you’re even hotter as a girl.”
Her face moved closer to mine and she kissed me deeply. I had always fantasized about kissing Mira. Now I was actually kissing her! A rush of joy filled my heart — along with the massive dose of chemistry that gripped the rest of me - and I felt tears coming again.
“Are those happy tears?”
“Those are deeply happy tears.”
We kissed again.
“Mira, I don’t imagine that a lot of girls would be as open minded as you. In my book, that makes you very special, too.”
“Thanks.”
“Oh, you’re welcome,” I swooned before I paused for a moment.
“You know, Mira, I have fantasized about kissing you.”
“I’ve fantasized about kissing you, too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
I kissed her again — and something occurred to me.
“You know what? Boys seem to think that kissing is a prelude to sex, but it’s not like that for me. I’ve always wanted to kiss you as an act of love, not as a prelude to sex. Now, don’t misunderstand me. I am quite strongly attracted to you that way. I’m just not so focused on sex like boys seem to be. I guess that’s just more evidence that I’m not a boy.”
“It’s also evidence that you are a girl.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
We kissed again.
“Well, we should probably go downstairs,” Mira sighed, bringing our conversation back to normal volume. “Dinner should be ready soon. First, let me fix your makeup — and mine.”
“Okay. Thanks, Mira!”
“Oh, you’re welcome. That’s what girlfriends are for.”
She referred to herself as my girlfriend! I was in heaven! We stood up and kissed again — twice. Then, after Mira fixed my makeup as promised, we walked downstairs hand in hand.
Chapter 15: Sunday, May 16, 2010
Taryn came down the stairs — finally — but Mom was not with her. I gripped Mira’s hand as I stared at her. I noticed the expression on her face was not one of concern, but of playful annoyance.
“Hey, little sis. I’m sorry it’s taking so long. Mom got a call on her cell right as she walked in the door.”
Taryn rolled her eyes and Christine shot me an I-told-you-so look.
“Cell phones are such evil things!” Taryn joked.
“Yeah. They have a way of screwing up your timing, don’t they?” I added.
“Tell me about it!” Taryn nodded. “Anyway, I haven’t had a chance to talk to her yet and I just wanted to let you know.”
“Thanks, Taryn!”
“No problem, Lilli.” Suddenly, we could hear Mom’s high heels echoing across the kitchen floor. “Oh boy! I’d better go back upstairs before she comes down!” Taryn jumped up with a giggle and hustled back upstairs.
“Oh God!” I leaned against Mira, putting my arms around her and squeezing. “This is killing me!”
“Oh, sweetie, I know this is torture for you, but I’m here — and Christine and Taryn are here, too — and we’ll get you through this, okay?” she cooed.
“Is it any wonder I love you?” I smiled at Mira before laying my head back against her shoulder.
“Lilli?” Mira gasped.
Uh oh!
I pulled back to see that Mira was mightily amazed.
“Y-you used the ‘L’ word!” she stammered.
“Lesbian?” I crinkled my nose in confusion, making Christine giggle into the nearest pillow.
“No!” Mira laughed. “Love.”
“Oh!” I giggled. “Yeah, I did.”
“Do you mean it?”
“What, that I love you?”
“Yes, that!” she softly smacked my arm.
“Yeah, I mean it,” I hazarded, winning a zillion-watt smile from Mira.
“I love you, too, Lilli!”
“Really??”
“Yes! Why do you think I don't let anyone else call me Mira?”
With that, she grabbed me and kissed me deeply, right on my lips, right in front of Christine, who pretended to ram her finger down her throat.
“Barf!! Get a room!” she gibed as she rolled her eyes.
I glanced around the basement.
“Got one. Thanks!”
Mira couldn’t help laughing as I kissed her hard, making Christine cover her face with a pillow.
CONCLUSION COMING SOON!
Kyle has purged and is trying to be "normal" - only to find it impossible. After two years of misery, his sister Christine dares him to put on their sister Taryn's dress. Can he resist? What happens to Kyle - and what does his mischievous sister have in store for him?
This time: How will Mom react? What will happen to Lilli?
BUDDING LILLI - PART 4
Chapter 16: Saturday, May 15, 2010
I had a great time eating in the dining room with Mira and my sisters, bantering and chatting. They seemed to be enjoying themselves, too. I decided to take a break from talking about my gender crisis — or even thinking about it for that matter. I was one of the girls, and that was enough. I wasn’t giving it a second thought.
After we finished dinner, cleaning up while we were at it, we watched a movie in the basement. It was a romantic comedy. For the first time, I didn’t find it hard to watch such a movie. I had always enjoyed them, but I had found it hard to watch them because they reminded me of the love I thought I would never have. Fortunately, for me, I had a girlfriend now. My loneliness was over; I enjoyed the movie more for it.
After the movie, we decided to set things up for a slumber party in the basement. Mira had a sleeping bag and an overnight bag in the trunk of her car, perhaps at Taryn’s suggestion. Once we got ready for bed, we spent the remainder of the night in the basement together. When it got late, we turned the lights out, ending the night by just talking in our sleeping bags — and occasionally giggling — in the dark. Mira and I cuddled while we chatted. Soon, we were asleep — or at least the others were.
I couldn’t sleep because I began thinking about my gender identity. I went over things in my mind, trying to come up with something I might have overlooked or some new way of looking at things.
About an hour after everyone else had dropped off to sleep, a new thought struck me. If I were in the middle of the gender continuum then some things should have felt right about being a boy.
Yes! If I were some kind of mixture of male and female, then I should have identified with things from the masculine world and the feminine world in something resembling equal measure. Yet, that was not the case. There were plenty of things from the feminine world that I identified with but nothing from the masculine world.
I decided to try a brief thought experiment. I asked myself how I would feel if I were living on a planet where all individuals were thoroughly androgynous and the concept of gender was nonexistent. I knew the answer right away. I would feel like a musician on a planet where there was no such thing as music. I would feel surrounded by people who were not like me.
Suddenly, I could no longer believe that I was in the middle of the gender continuum. I knew that I was a girl. It was so clear! I realized that the only times when I felt surrounded by people like me were the times when I was surrounded with girls. I had felt that way, not only at the ice cream parlor, but also at the dinner table. I had also felt authentic and socially functional. With that understood, I could see how phony I had felt as a boy.
I felt tears begin to run down my face. Before long, I needed tissues. I was unzipping my sleeping bag when I felt Mira’s hand on mine.
“Honey, are you crying? What’s the matter?” she whispered.
I moved close to her and whispered into her ear.
“I’m a girl, Mira. There’s no way I’m a boy and it’s not possible that I’m in the middle of the gender continuum. I really am a girl.”
“Wow. That is heavy-duty. Do you want to talk about it?” she asked as she took my hands.
“Oh, God, I don’t know where to start. I’m feeling about a thousand things. I’m very happy to know that I’m a girl — and to be a girl - but I’m very afraid of what that means for me. I mean, if I were in the middle of the gender spectrum, then I might well be able to continue dressing as a guy and keep my gender identity under the radar, but I’m not in the middle. I’m a girl and I need to dress like one. At the same time, if I go to school as a girl, I might get beaten up or something. Then, of course, I have to tell my mother . . . and my sisters,” I quietly sobbed.
“Awww, sweetie, I can’t imagine what you must be going through . . . come here.”
She sat up and hugged me tightly. My tears dampened her nightie before I finished venting my emotions. When the flow of tears ceased, I pulled back far enough to talk.
“I would like to tell my sisters about all of this while we have breakfast tomorrow, if . . . I mean, if breakfast is an appropriate time to talk about it.”
Mira squeezed me before reaching into her nearby purse. She held out a packet of tissues to me, which I gratefully accepted.
“Of course it is. We are here to support you,” she insisted.
I smiled at the girl I loved, wordlessly taking her into my arms and hugging her.
“Let’s try to get some sleep. We’ll need it,” she encouraged.
“Yeah. Come on.”
Mira lay down, playfully motioning for me to lie down next to her. I lay down where she indicated, soon falling asleep in her arms.
Chapter 17: Sunday, May 16, 2010
When I awoke the next morning, she still had one arm around me. For a moment, I lay still, savoring the closeness to Mira, the warmth of her body, the sensation of her arm around me. I looked at her pretty face as she slept, profoundly grateful that I had her in my life.
As I lay there, smiling at Mira, she awakened, her smile mirroring mine. The others were still asleep and our conversation was hushed.
“Good morning, sweetie. Did you sleep okay?”
I nodded.
“Yeah, I managed to drop off to sleep pretty soon after we talked.”
“Good. I’m so glad!”
“Me, too. Did you sleep all right?”
“Yeah, I did,” she nodded.
We looked into each other’s eyes, expressing and absorbing love just by looking at each other. We spent a few minutes basking in the moment.
Our bliss was interrupted by the sound of my stomach gurgling. We stifled a giggle.
“Mira, let’s make breakfast for everyone.”
“That’s a wonderful idea.”
“Let’s go.”
We climbed out of our sleeping bags, put on our robes and headed for the kitchen.
“Lilli, did Christine already know about your gender struggle?”
“That could be. A while back, I told her that I needed to dress as a girl at least sometimes or my well-being could be at stake, but I didn’t know what that meant at the time.”
“Okay. I’m with you,” she nodded.
At that, we heard someone shuffling into the kitchen.
“Mmmm! What’s cooking?” Christine asked sleepily.
“Omelet-style scrambled eggs,” I replied smugly.
“Wow, you two are making us breakfast?”
“Yeah. There are a few things that I want to get out into the open and I want your full attention on me,” I half-joked.
“Works for me!” Christine quipped.
Taryn didn’t take long to join us and we were soon eating at the table. Mira reminded me that I had some things to share.
Christine gave me a knowing look, which Taryn picked up on.
“Okay, what do you two know that Mira and I don’t? Come on, spill it!”
We giggled as I looked back and forth between Mira and Taryn.
“Okay, okay. You know how I used to always find an excuse to be around whenever Christine had a slumber party?”
“Yeah, of course,” Taryn acknowledged. “I also remember that Mom started making you leave the house after a while.”
“Yeah, she did — but not because she knew what we were doing — at least, that I’m aware. Anyway, those slumber parties were more like ‘Dress Up Kyle’ parties.”
We chuckled at the thought.
“And I loved dressed up as a girl, I really did,” I admitted.
“Now we know why.” Mira briefly rubbed my shoulder as Christine and Taryn raised their eyebrows.
“Er, I’ll explain that later,” I stalled. “Anyway, at first, Christine and her friends just threw a dress on over my jeans. I hated that, but only because I looked silly.”
That got a laugh.
“Even then, I liked being with a group of girls and sort of being one of them. So, it eventually progressed from that to wearing the dress without my jeans, to wearing girls’ underwear beneath the dress, to adding makeup and jewelry and finally, adding tights. So, Christine and her friends were completely dressing me up starting about two years ago.
“Anyway, there’s one time in particular that I want to talk about, because it was the time when I admitted to Christine that I liked dressing as a girl. This was, again, about two years ago.”
The only sounds in the room were forks clinking on plates.
“Two years ago, at one of Christine’s slumber parties they dressed me up again, of course.”
I told them about the time Christine and her friends caught me after I had slipped my first pair of tights on while they were on the phone.
“Oh, Lilli, that must have been hard.”
Mira wrapped her arms snugly around me.
“Well, it turned out okay. Jill got over it.”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” Mira rubbed my shoulder.
“Yeah, I was too. She got to see me dressed fully as a girl at a few more parties, but then, like Taryn said, Mom starting making sure I would be out of the house when Christine had her slumber parties. That started about eighteen months ago.”
“Yeah, and it just wasn’t the same without Lilli around,” Christine insisted. “She was always the highlight of the night!”
I blushed when I heard that.
“Well, then why did your mom start kicking you out, honey?” Mira inquired.
“I don’t know, sweetie, I really don’t.”
Christine hesitated a moment.
“I do,” she confessed.
All eyes were on Christine, just like that.
“She told me that sometimes girls need girls-only time without boys around — which is true - and that we couldn’t really have that with Kyle in the room.”
“Wow. She must be really clueless then,” I joked, winning a round of laughs.
“What do you mean, Lilli?” Taryn queried.
I talked about everything that I had noticed about myself as well as what I had been thinking about to figure myself out. I described what I had pondered in the tub. I could hardly leave out my brainstorming while I lay awake in my sleeping bag the previous night. I revealed what I felt at Christine’s slumber parties and what I felt now.
“Anyway, you all know by now where this is going. Christine and Taryn,” I sighed deeply, “I’m a girl. I told Mira last night after you two fell asleep.”
“Oh my God! It must have been hard to look that one in the face,” Taryn observed.
“Yeah, it was, but it was also good to finally know.”
All three girls hugged me, Mira making sure she had the best position.
“Of course, Mom’s coming home today,” I murmured, “and I should probably tell her.”
“Oh, God, that’s right. Christine, what time did Mom say she’s getting home?”
“About dinner time. Why?”
Taryn looked at me.
“Lilli, do you want to come out to Mom today or no?”
I wasn’t relishing the idea, but I would have to do that sometime. Why not now, while I had both of my supportive sisters and my supportive new girlfriend present?
“Yeah, I guess I do. I might as well get it over with.”
Otherwise, I'll stew over it until I do.
“Yeah, I guess so.” Taryn thought for a moment. “All right. Do you want to be dressed as a boy or as a girl when you tell her?”
I considered the question carefully, weighing the advantages and the problems.
“Well, it didn’t work out very well when I surprised Christine and Jill and Sara by slipping on a pair of Christine’s pantyhose under my dress while they were out of the room. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a good idea to be dressed as a girl when I tell Mom. But . . .” I paused. “Then again, maybe it would help her to see the real me. Besides, all three of you have been supportive, so Mom probably will be as well. I guess I’d rather be dressed as a girl.”
“Okay,” Taryn smiled.
Mira hesitated before contributing, “So then you want to look your best, right?”
“Yeah, I do want to look my best.”
“All right. What do you think about getting your hair done-”
I gasped as Mira explained.
“Not like getting a perm or anything, just a shampoo, a conditioning treatment and a trim so it looks good as a girl or a boy,” she assured me.
I relaxed. That sounded pretty good and didn’t seem to carry any threat of me getting beaten up for it.
“I think I would like that - but isn't that expensive?”
“Well,” Mira smirked, “yes, but I know a way around that.”
“Well, okay, if you're sure,” I accepted.
“Trust me, I'm sure!” Her smirk intensified. “But one more question first.”
“Okay. Shoot.”
“Would you like to have your ears pierced?”
Suddenly, I experienced an acute sense of longing mixed with nerve.
“Yes, I would, but . . .”
“You can get earrings that look masculine. Actually, they have ones that are small silver circles with little beads at the bottom of the circle and you can change the beads. You can get dull gray metal beads that look masculine and when you’re home you can swap in colorful beads that match your outfit and they’ll look feminine.”
That sounded like it could really work!
“Also, Lilli, you can take out your earrings and let the holes close up if you want to or need to. It’s not permanent unless you want it that way,” Mira pointed out. She thought for a moment and added, “If you’re worried about what I will think, well, I can tell you right now that I love you with or without pierced ears. Oh, and if anyone gives you a bad time about your earrings at school then you can just tell them that your girlfriend loves them.”
That made me relax. I smiled at Mira as I deliberated. I decided that Mira and I both loved the idea of piercing my ears.
“Well . . . if you don’t think it would be too much for Mom to absorb the first time she sees me dressed as a girl . . . then I would love to have my ears pierced.”
“That settles it then. Let’s get dressed!” Mira gave me a quick hug before we headed upstairs.
My outfit for the day consisted of a knee-length, black, denim skirt, a black, long-sleeve, cotton top, vivid, teal cardigan, black, nylon tights and casual, black, leather flats. I loved my outfit!
A few minutes later, the girls were dressed and Mira did my makeup for me.
“There you go, beautiful.”
“Thank you, beautiful!”
I kissed her until we needed to fix up our lipstick. Fortunately, my sisters dragged us down the stairs before we could kiss again.
Chapter 18: Sunday, May 16, 2010
As we got into Mira’s car, we began to make plans. Mira drove away, ostensibly with a destination in mind.
“In case you’re wondering where we’re going, I know a good salon that can probably get you in. One of my cousins is a hairdresser there and she’s terrific at it. She has also worked with a few transsexuals as well. You’ll be safe with her, Lilli.”
“I like that idea — if she can fit me in.”
“Let’s give her a call. Could you please dial for me and put it on speakerphone?”
Mira handed me her phone. I liked that Mira didn’t want to use her phone while driving.
“Yeah, no problem. That’s probably a good call so you can drive without crashing us into a tree.”
A few seconds later . . .
“Belle Hair Salon. How can I help you?”
“Hey, cuz! How are ya?”
“Miranda! Hey, it’s great to hear from you. I’m doing pretty well, thanks, how about you?”
“I’m doing great. I just found myself a girlfriend!”
Mira glanced at me with a smile on her face.
“Girlfriend as in a romantic partner?”
“Yes!”
Mira smiled at me again.
“Wow, really? That’s awesome! I’d love to meet her.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that — because we’re on our way over,” Mira giggled.
“Oh, wow, you sure don’t waste any time, girl, do ya?”
“No, I guess not. Anyway, I’m hoping you can do her hair today. Is that possible?”
“Yeah, of course. You know that my Sundays aren’t very busy, so bring her right in!”
“Cool! We’ll see you in a few!”
“Great! I’ll see you soon. Bye, cuz!”
“Bye, cuz!”
Mira smiled at me in the mirror.
“She’s going to like you, Lilli. Don’t worry.”
“Worry? Me?” I smiled back. “Whatever for?”
I scored a round of giggles as Mira turned a hard corner.
Five minutes later, we pulled up in front of the salon. Cousin Belle was blow-drying a client’s hair, but the two of them were the only ones in there.
We walked in the door and Mira greeted her cousin.
“Hi, Belle!”
“Hey, Miranda! Please make yourselves comfortable and I’ll be with you in just a few minutes, okay?”
“No problem!”
We sat down in a waiting area with red lounge chairs on a black and white checkered floor, chatting over some girly magazines. Mira pointed out a few hairdos she wanted to see me sporting in the near future.
After her client paid and left, Belle came to greet us. Since we were the only ones in the salon, she slipped out of professional mode, settling comfortably into cousin-and-friend mode.
“Hey, everyone!”
“Hey! It’s great to see you, Belle!” Mira embraced her cousin. “Anyway, you know Taryn.”
“Hey, Taryn.”
“Hey, Belle!”
“This is Christine, Taryn’s sister–“
“Hey, Christine.”
Christine smiled and waved.
“–and this lovely girl right here,” Mira put her arms around me and leaned her head against mine, “is Lilli, my new girlfriend.”
“Hi, Lilli. Damn, Mira, you really scored!” Belle. marveled.
"Yeah, I did!" Mira smirked.
I blushed and smiled at their antics, my head tilting my head to one side.
"So did I." I murmured, making Mira beam. But it was time to get things started.
“Okay, Belle, I need you to be really nice to Lilli because,” Mira glanced at me and I nodded my approval of her next move, “Lilli is a special girl. She’s one of those girls who got stuck with the wrong body. My poor Lilli.”
Mira embraced me warmly and I decided she couldn't get any better!
Before I could worry about Belle’s reaction to me, she smiled broadly. I actually saw approval in her smile!
“Well, hey, I don’t have any problem with that! In fact, the transgender ones are the most fun!”
“You rock, cuz!”
Miranda hugged her cousin again. I wanted to give her a great big hug as well, but I was feeling very shy.
“Oh, it’s no problem at all!” Belle looked back at me. “So, Lilli, what would you like to have done today?”
I looked at Mira and back at Belle.
“W-well, I might be kind of a challenge because I don’t really know, except I have to go to school as a boy, at least for a while, so my hair has to work that way for now. Well, it has to work as well as it can at this length because I ain’t cuttin’ it. No way, no how.”
We all giggled at that.
“Anyway, I’m also getting my ears pierced today and I don’t want my earrings and my hairdo to look feminine at school — well, actually I do — a lot,” I chuckled nervously, “but it wouldn’t be a good idea for now. I haven’t even come out to my mother yet — oh, speaking of which, I would like to look pretty since I am coming out to her later today!” I glanced at Mira. “I think I’ve covered everything.”
Belle nodded with understanding and Mira stepped in to help me out.
“Yeah, I was just thinking we’d stick to a shampoo, a conditioning treatment and maybe trimming it to one length with a non-permanent inward bob at the bottom.”
“All right. We can definitely do that. Come on over and we’ll get started.”
Belle “prepped” me with proper salon garb, complete with a towel tucked around my neck. She had me sit down at a shampooing station and began my treatment. I found it very relaxing to have my scalp massaged. I immensely enjoyed having wonderful-smelling things worked through my hair. It crossed my mind to hope that I wouldn’t smell that way in the morning — no matter now much I wanted to — since I had to go to school.
Ten minutes later, the shampoo and conditioning treatment were done. Belle used the towel around my neck to absorb some of the water from my hair before seating me out in the main room at her styling station, where she gave my hair the trim it needed.
After an hour of very pleasant massaging, fragrances and styling, my hair looked wonderful.
“Do you like it?”
I beamed like a halogen lamp.
“Yes! I love it! It looks so shiny and fresh and pretty! Thank you so much! Ooh, I can’t wait to see the whole look when I get my ears pierced!”
Belle smirked at me as I looked around at my sisters, my girlfriend and Belle.
“You know, I have to tell you; I feel really pretty and I love how that feels!” I continued gushing.
“Yeah, you’re a girl all right!” Belle quipped.
We giggled at my enthusiasm and her remark.
“Well, I’m glad you’re happy with your new look. There’s a great tattoo parlor a few doors down where you should get your ears pierced. Unfortunately, I’m not equipped to do that here, or I’d be happy to do it.”
“Yeah, I wish we could have that done here, too. But hey, you’ve been great as it is. Thanks so much!”
I embraced Belle, followed immediately by Mira.
“Yeah, Belle, thank you very much!”
“Oh, it was my pleasure!” Belle glanced at me. “You can see why I was telling you that the transgender girls are always the most fun!”
We laughed at Belle's little admission, but I kept wondering about who was paying for my hair.
“Mira, how are we paying for this?”
Mira merely smiled and turned to Belle.
“Did you hear that, Cuz? Lilli wants to know how she's paying for her hair.”
“Well, honey, there's a little-known policy here that transgender girls get their first appointments free of charge.”
“Really?? That's awesome!!”
“Well, it just so happens that I own the place, so . . . I get to do whatever what I want!” Belle flashed a smirk just like Mira's.
I just hugged her. What else could I do?
“Belle, you are awesome!” I gushed, stepping back to put my arm around Mira.
“Why, thank you!”
“Well, good to see you, Cuz, but we've got to get this one home!” Mira explained, embracing me and planting a wonderful kiss on my cheek.
How could I help turning to her and planting one on her mouth?
Mira and Belle waved goodbye one more time. Mira led the way out the door, closing it behind us, and pointing us toward the tattoo parlor.
I had pictured getting my ears pierced at a beauty salon or something. The thought of a tattoo parlor filled my head with images of big, surly, tattoo-covered guys who rode loud motorcycles — the kind who might not be too keen on people like me!
Mira must have picked up on my nerves.
“Are you okay, beautiful?”
I smiled at her compliment. I put my arm around her as I whispered into her ear.
“Are there going to be a bunch of tough guys in there, like motorcycle gangsters or something?”
Mira smirked at me.
“Nah. There’s usually a guy and a girl in there. The guy is maybe five feet eight inches tall and skinny. He’s more funny looking than scary looking.”
We giggled before she continued.
“The girl looks kind of the same. She’s got lots of tattoos and earrings and she looks like she belongs in a tattoo parlor.”
Our laughter attracted the attention of my sisters.
“What are you two laughing about?”
“Oh, Mira was just describing the people who run the tattoo parlor.”
“Yeah, they’re just a little funny looking is all. Don’t worry about it. They’re really nice.”
“I trust you, beautiful,” I smiled at Mira.
She smiled right back.
A few seconds later, we reached the tattoo parlor. It wasn’t how I imagined it. It was nothing remarkable. There was a glass counter with a zillion stud-style earrings in the display area across from another tall display on the opposite wall. The piercing room was in back and that was about it. The man and woman that Mira described were present. I found that Mira had described them accurately.
Ten minutes after I arrived, we walked out of the tattoo parlor with new earrings in my ears and seven pairs of beads — which I insisted on paying for. Fortunately, I had enough in my savings account to cover it without bankrupting myself.
I loved the new beads. Each pair was a different color. They were all translucent except for the solid metal ones. The beads I wore on my earrings were a bold teal to match my sweater. They really did look feminine. I hoped that the gray metal beads would look boyish enough.
“What do you think, sweetie?”
I looked at Mira.
“I love them! They look a lot prettier than I thought they would! I thought the ring parts would look like, well, you know what a pinball looks like. It’s silver colored, but it doesn’t look like silver, right?”
“Right.”
“But these are actually made of silver and they look really pretty!”
Mira smirked at me.
“I thought you’d like them.”
“I do! I love them! Did you get your ears pieced there?”
“Yeah, I sure did!”
“Well, thanks for sharing that part of your history with me.”
“Of course!”
We arrived at Mira’s car and piled in. We chatted merrily along the way about anything but my gender identity. A few minutes later, we were back in Taryn’s room.
“Lilli, do you have any thoughts about what you want to wear when you come out to Mom?”
Christine seemed so genuinely concerned that it touched my heart. I smiled warmly at her.
“Well . . .”
I stood before the mirror, studying my reflection.
“I like what I have on. This outfit is very comfortable, feminine and respectable. It’s casual without being jeans and a t-shirt casual. It’s not that I have a problem with jeans and a t-shirt; it’s just that it’s a very unisex look and I feel that would be a bad idea. I don’t see how I can tell my mother that I am a girl if I seem hesitant to wear a skirt. I don’t think I would be very believable that way and I need her to believe me. I want to look like I’m just another girl. I mean,” I looked at my sisters and my girlfriend, “this is a special occasion — of sorts — and I want to do what a lot of girls would do on a special occasion. I want to look pretty!”
Mira smiled at me.
“Then we won’t change a thing. You’re right. You look comfortable and pretty.”
I smiled back at Mira and kissed her.
“Thanks, sweetie!”
“You’re welcome. Always.”
My smile intensified as I paused for a moment.
“You know what? We’ve got some time until Mom gets home and I would love it if you would show me how to change the beads in my earrings. I should probably know how to do that tomorrow morning.”
“That’s a good thought! I’d be happy to teach you!”
Mira and I continued to exchange smiles as she led me up to my room to show me how my earrings worked, stealing plenty of kisses along the way. The earrings looked like two tiny silver tubes that were bent into circles. One end of each circular tube fit into the other end. The ends were positioned at the bottom of the circles, where the beads would cover them perfectly.
Thus, all I had to do to swap beads was carefully remove one end from the other, slide the old bead off, slide the new bead on, fit one end into the other, and adjust so the ends were at the bottom and the beads covered them. I knew that I would need to practice it, but the procedure was simple and I felt confident that I could master it soon enough.
A glance at my clock told me that it was four o’clock in the afternoon. We left my room to find my sisters so that we could confer about what we would do until Mom arrived home.
After talking it over, we went down to the basement and sat in front of a movie, but nobody was really watching it. I was nervous about coming out to my mother. I had a feeling that the other three girls were vicariously on edge.
My mind kept flipping back and forth. One moment I was convinced that I was right to be dressed as a normal girl. Yet, the next moment, I thought sure that I should change back to boy mode.
Mira knew that I was nervous and she held me close to her. I rested my head on her shoulder; she cuddled her head against mine. I was so grateful to have her in my life in so many ways!
The movie ended just after 6:30pm. Mom called and told us that she would be home in a few minutes. We turned the TV to a sitcom to try to relax. The show got a few good laughs out of us, but I doubt that any one was really watching.
Seven minutes later, we heard my mother call our names.
“Taryn? Kyle? Christine? I’m ho-ome!”
“Hi, Mom!” Taryn responded just to give us a few seconds to breathe.
“Lilli, why don’t you and Mira and Christine stay down here? I will head upstairs and bring Mom down, okay?” Taryn offered.
Mira and I exchanged glances.
“Yeah, that sounds okay.”
“Okay, good.”
“Where is everyone?”
“Down here, Mom!”
Taryn headed up the basement stairs before Mom came down.
I looked at Mira with a nervous expression on my face.
“Well, here goes everything. Wish me luck.”
Mira smiled at me lovingly.
“I wish you all the luck in the world - but I think it’ll be okay.”
I took a deep breath.
“God, I hope so.”
We waited, but Mom and Taryn didn’t come down the stairs for a while. Then Taryn came down and explained that Mom was taking a call on her cell. Taryn went back upstairs and the insufferable wait resumed.
Chapter 19: Sunday, May 16, 2010
Mom’s phone call had taken fifteen excruciating minutes. Taryn came down the stairs first.
“Taryn, what’s going on up there? This is killing me!” I wailed.
“Hang in there, little sis! Mom is on her way down now but, so far, she’s in a good mood.”
“Good! Let’s hope it stays that way!” I remarked. “Did you tell her anything?”
“No. I only said that we wanted to talk with her because something has come up. I mentioned that Christine and Mira and I think it’s something wonderful and we hope she’ll think so, too.”
“Wow. Nice set up, there, Taryn!” Mira joked.
I had just enough time to warmly embrace Mira before I heard footsteps descending the basement stairs. Still nervous about facing my mother, I kept my back to the stairs as long as I could.
“Hello, Miranda. Who’s your friend?” She glanced around the room. “And where’s Kyle?”
“I’m here, Mom.”
I turned around to face my mother. I managed a smile but it was a timid one.
“Kyle? Baby?” Mom began to giggle as she smirked. “I see you’ve been dressed up as a girl again!”
“Well, yes, b-”
“Wait a minute! Are your ears pierced?”
“Well, let m-”
“They are pierced! Will someone please explain what’s going on around here?” Mom demanded, her smile beginning to fade.
Uh oh! Not good! Really not good!
“I’m trying to tell you, Mom.”
I wished she would shut up for ten seconds so I could get a word in!
“I-I’m sorry. Well, let’s be comfortable. Everyone please have a seat,” Mom invited, before noticing that she was the only one standing.
“Oh. Good,” she chuckled.
With a sheepish look on her face, she squeezed onto the overstuffed couch. I found myself sitting between her and Mira.
“Kyle, honey, tell me everything. Please,” Mom requested as she put one arm around me.
“Okay. Here goes!” I cast a cautious glance at Mira, squeezing her hard and receiving a like reply. “On Friday night . . .”
I told my mother the whole story of our weekend. I spoke of Christine’s dares, my newfound romance with Mira, my discovery about my gender identity and how I made that discovery.
“I’m a girl, Mom. I really am. That’s why I always found an excuse to be around when Christine had her slumber parties — at least until you started making me leave the house.”
For a few moments, the room was so silent that I could hear Mira breathing. Waiting for my mother to speak was intolerable!
“Oh, honey . . . come here, baby.”
My mother hugged me for several moments.
“First, I love you no matter what, okay?”
I smiled at my Mom, feeling somewhat relaxed.
“Okay.”
“All right. Second, I have suspected as much for a while now.”
I looked at my mother in total surprise.
“Wha-? You knew? B-but how?”
“I knew that Christine and her friends were dressing you up, honey. Mothers always peek in on their children’s slumber parties — at least, the good ones do.”
“So you saw me dressed as a girl all of those times?”
Mom briefly rolled her eyes.
“Well, probably not all of them.”
We shared a giggle.
“Anyway, whenever Christine and her friends dressed you up, I could see that you were trying your best to hide how much you were enjoying it. After a while, I began to suspect that something more was going on than met the eye and that you might even be a girl.”
Suddenly, I made a connection in my head.
“And you made me leave the house during Christine’s parties because you thought that Christine or one of her friends might figure that out. Then Christine must have asked why you were making me leave and you told her that she and her friends needed girls-only time.”
“Yes, exactly,” Mom nodded, glancing at Christine.
“And Christine couldn’t tell you that I had already admitted to loving and even needing to be dressed as a girl because, well, that’s for me to tell you.”
“That’s right,” Christine confirmed.
“You had already admitted that?” Mom asked in surprise.
“Yes. Six months before you started making me leave the house, I kind of came out to Christine, Jill and Sara. They had already dressed me up when they went to talk to Jen on the phone and I was alone in Christine’s room, so while they were gone, I slipped on a pair of Christine’s tights and some different shoes and, well, they caught me. It didn’t go over so well.”
“Oh no. What happened? Wait, did you already know that you’re a girl?”
“No, I only knew that I needed to dress as a girl — and I really had no idea what that meant. I just thought I had a feminine side that I needed to express because my well-being is at stake – wait a minute!”
Suddenly, I remembered having the funny feeling that I had said something vital while comparing dressing as a boy to walking around in cold temperatures with freezing feet - and when mentioning that I had some relief because I was dressing as a girl from time to time. I now understood where that feeling had come from. Deep down, I did know that I was a girl!
“Okay, um, actually I did know, but not consciously. I had a funny feeling that I was missing something but I didn’t understand what until now. Anyway, what happened was that Jill had some trouble with the idea at first, and on the night I told those three girls, Jill felt that she should go home. But, she did get over it and before long, we were back to . . . well back to the status quo.”
We shared a giggle.
“But then you started making me leave the house,” I shrugged.
“Oooh, I feel kind of guilty now.”
“Eh, don’t. I mean, hell, even I didn’t know what was truly going on until now, so I don’t expect you to have known.”
Mom smiled at me.
“I suppose that’s a good point.”
We fell silent, but I had something on my mind. I glanced at Mira, somehow knowing that her face would give me strength, and spoke my mind.
“Mom, um . . . I-I would really like to be a girl all of the time now. I mean, I know that I can’t be a girl at school, at least for a while, but . . . whenever I’m not in school, I want to be a girl all of the time. Okay? I really need to.”
Mom thought for a moment, probably wondering how the hell she should rule on that one.
“Mom, you have to let her! She needs to be a girl! You must have noticed the way she’s been all moody for a while,” Christine pointed out. “It’s been driving me crazy and I didn’t know what to do about it until I saw Taryn’s lavender dress while we were cleaning out her closet on Friday. That was when the idea of daring Lilli to dress up as a girl again popped into my head,” she smiled smugly. “I had to do something!”
“Is that true? Is that why you pushed so hard for me to dress up again?” I asked, touched that she’d reached out.
“Yes! You were being a little-”
“Careful, young lady!” Mom warned.
Christine glanced at her before shooting me a good-natured “hairy eyeball”.
“Well, I’m glad you did that. I needed it more than you’ll ever know,” I acknowledged. I hugged Christine before looking at Mom. “She’s right, Mom. I really do need to be a girl. Please let me. Please?” I begged her, giving her my best puppy look.
“Hey! That’s my puppy look!” Christine blurted.
“Don’t you mean my puppy look?” Taryn interjected, giving Christine her best Spock eyebrow.
“See? You stole it from Taryn and now I’m stealing it from you!” I zinged Christine. She gave me a playful dirty look before dropping it.
“All right, you three, that’s enough!” Mom sighed. “I have noticed your behavior of late, Lilli. I just didn’t put it together that it was coming from being miserable trying to be a guy.” The room was silent as she deliberated. “That said, I think we’d better . . .”
My heart sank as she trailed off.
“I think we’d better give this a try,” she finished, making me gasp with joy.
“Thank you so much, Mom! Thank you!”
I gave her a big hug that lasted several seconds. When I released her, Mira grabbed me and embraced me.
“See?” she whispered in my ear. “I knew it would be okay.”
“Yeah, you sure did,” I whispered back.
I kissed her hard, right there in front of everyone — and that was it.
Epilogue
For the remainder of the year, every moment outside of school was spent happily as a girl. School itself was something to be tolerated. I got some razzing about my earrings, but the worst I received was being half-heartedly shoved against the lockers a few times. That kept life bearable, but I still couldn’t be happy or comfortable trying to be a guy.
During the summer of 2010, I talked with a therapist regularly. She decided that, since school hours were the only times I wasn’t full-time already, I should begin living as a girl full-time. Fortunately for me, I was happier than I was scared.
That fall, I returned to school as a girl. People looked at me funny all year — and I still got shoved against the lockers a few times — but that was still as bad as it got.
My school had less than four hundred students. This meant that everyone knew I was transitioning. At first, I had felt this would preclude any chance of anonymity, but ultimately, it proved advantageous. I had many friends who stuck up for me. At a smaller school, such friends have a broader influence.
Ultimately, my life was turning out for the better, and I felt lucky for it.
College provided all the anonymity I could want. I was not living in stealth mode, as I informed close friends about me for the sake of openness and honesty, but neither did I advertise my true nature. I had a great deal of unwanted male attention, but I found a way to handle that. I purchased a silver necklace with a lesbian symbol for a pendant. It worked like a magic amulet.
College went smoothly and when we graduated from the same school the same year, Mira and I got married. We had to remain in Massachusetts, where our college was located, to make that happen, but it was well worth it. We had fallen in love with Massachusetts anyway.
We eventually adopted two kids, one of whom is a special girl like me, and . . . well . . . we lived happily ever after.
THE END!