Swimming upstream
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Every morning, I get up, look at this body of mine, and wonder how I can possibly make being female work. I mean, put it in a suit and have it lose 50 pounds, and it would probably be called "handsome".
And yet here I am, trying to change that, and somehow make this body pass as a woman's.
Its dam hard, and sometimes, it feels like a hopeless task, so why do I bother?
I've never had enough discipline in my life to reach any goal I've set, so why do I think this will be any different than when I tried to become a nurse, or before that a teacher?
Because being a woman, even if its only by sufferance, feeds a part of my heart and soul that was starving when I tried to be a man.
I've got a lot of flaws that have nothing to do with my gender - a tendensy to hide from my problems, a struggle to see myself as a worthwhile human being, a lack of overall maturity, but maybe, just maybe I can get a little better at those over time.
one way or another, I have to keep going. The alternative is to die inside, and probably shortly afterward die on the outside too.
ah, well.