You ever start writing a story, and feel sure you know what direction its heading, only to have the story head off in a completely different direction?

Well, apparently, my tummy has some firm ideas about what it likes, and cooked lettuce and stringy ham definitely dont make the cut. For the second day in a row, I ended up throwing up my supper because I was trying to eat more healthy.

Not good.

Not good at all....

Well, because I'm an idiot, I've managed to lose most of the hearing in my right ear.

During the debate of the California law allowing trans kids to choose which bathroom to use, a Christian leader talked about how all these "sexually confused" kids were more than likely victims of sexual abuse.

And ever since, I've been struggling with coming up with the proper response to this.

I want to write an essay about being trans and being a survivor of sexual abuse, but I doubt I have the needed skills to write an objective essay, especially when I seem like the perfect example of what they're talking about.

Ah, well.

I've had a couple of people ask me about putting the Jaci/Dottie stories in chronological order, and I think its a good idea, but I'm not sure how to make it work. Part of the problem is I struggle with the "weight" thing, and part is that the stories are done by more than just me, so I cant get into say Jaci's stories and edit them so they fall in the right places.

Help, anybody?

There has been too much loss in the last while.

First Wren, now Holly ....

I'd really like it if it stopped for a while.

At least give me a chance to grieve.

There are a number of us here who at one time or another have felt suicidal, and several of us who are survivors of one or more actual attempts.

But let me state the obvious.

I just had a shocking conversation with my mom. I was on the phone with Jaci, and apparently my mom remembers me coming home from school in a dress at age 13 and doing a little twirl for her. For some reason, this is making me tear up ...

I'm re-watching the movie "Labyrinth", and it occurs to me how necessary it was that the protagonist be a girl. I mean, the whole movie only works because its a girl doing the adventure. What do you think?

I am feeling very sick right now. Good thing I have Jaci to make me giggle ...

Well, last night I had a bit of a breakdown/breakthrough. I was talking with Jaci (Big surprise, I'm always talking with Jaci, or Kylie, or Ruth ....) and I asked her if she thought I was a fragile as she had told my mom I am, that if I dont move forward toward SRS something really bad would happen to me. She said, "you've had several breakdowns talking to me on the phone, and they are getting worse. The last couple it took both me and Ruth to get you stable again. So yes, I think you're that fragile."

I'm sorry, I dont mean to be flooding you guys with stories. I've NEVER been this filled with ideas ...

Well, I just had an interesting conversation with my mom. She told me that even before I was in kindergarten she worried about the fact I didn't act like a boy at all. So even if I hadn't been raped, hadn't lost my dad, I was still destined to be trans. Nice to have it confirmed by someone who knows me, someone who was there ...

Here is a pretty good video on gender basics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXI9w0PbBXY

Well, last night, the co-worker who I saw Star Trek with presented me with a bag a earrings, as she could tell I rather liked having something dangling from my lobes.

I fell in love with Drama in grade six, when my class did a little skit and I played the part of the thief in an adaptation of the Sherlock Holmes story "The Red-headed League". I spent much of the next six or seven years trying to repeat that experience, dreaming of being an actor on stage and screen.

But even though dreams dont die easy, thay can be killed, and this dream finally fell before the sword of Reality when I tried out for a part as a performer at a place called Calaway Park just outside of Calgary.

I stank.

Its entirely possible I will never get SRS.

you know, re-reading Jenny Boylan's autobiographical books got me thinking how much things have changed for me recently.

In her blog, Katie asked the question "What am I doing?" (which you can read here: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/45644/what-am-i-doing )

Well, this morning as I slept, I had a ... er ... wet dream. Not unusual, but in this particular dream, I was being made love to by a man. Having a man enter a part of my anatomy that doesnt even exist at the moment is a bit of a disconcerting experience ....

Struggling a bit today, and it put a halt on my writing.

Will get through it, but good wishes and prayers appreciated.

I was teasing Jaci about having guys flirt with her, and she said, "Just you wait. It will happen to you."

My uncle has taken a turn for the worse. Apparently, he had a heart attack last night. Going to go see him tonight.....

Well, last night I had another encounter with my clueless co-worker, and after she once again called me by my male name, I made a point of talking to my supervisor about the situation. She talked to the girl, and the girl said she had met me when we both worked at Zellers (I dont remember meeting her, but that doesnt mean it didnt happen.) So according to her, she was having some trouble doing a mental switch and call me by the right name, but would do better in the future.

For now, I'm going to consider this a win, but I will be on my guard around her ....