http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/34727/susie-and-jeffre...

"Here we are again, Jeffrey."

"And advertising ourselves to a mainly American audience with a reference hardly anyone
will understand, Susie - talk about mad men."

"We'll never learn, Jeffrey."

"And neither will they, even if they read the whole of 'Double Trouble', Susie. It's a
ripping yarn, but it'll probably leave them more confused than ever."

"Maybe we should do a silent movie next time, Jeffrey."

"Stop it, Jeffrey."

"Stop what, Susie."

"Obsessing over whether 'a' or 'the' makes the line funnier."

"One wrong little word can kill the comedy, Susie."

"Not with me, Jeffrey - I could read from the list of Huntingdonshire cabmen and still raise a horse laugh."

"I think that may be a joke too far for here, Susie."

"As is a lot of our stuff, Jeffrey, but we can't do anything about it now, so let's expend our energy on some pre-publicity and see if we can waylay a few new unsuspecting readers."

Someone (thanks again, mittfh) has been intrigued by the working of Jeffrey/Denise's cute card hustle in the last chapter of 'A Quiet Night In'.

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/20170/susie-and-jeffre...

Susie and Jeffrey have used this as an excuse to engage in a little Siscratic dialogue about the maths behind the trick. They've added a rambling comment explaining why, in this case, 729 is the answer to life the universe and everything. If a minority of a minority of a minority are interested, it's at -

"Phew, what a scorcher, Jeffrey! October the 1st is early this year."

"I blame the EUSSR, Susie. They're sending us their overheated, continental air and probably scheming to plunder our newly discovered gas reserves in return. The sooner our maritime climate reasserts itself, the happier I'll be."

"Hear, hear, Jeffrey, bring on the equinoctial storms, and let's turn our faces to the open seas. We've had more than enough trouble with dog days this autumn. It's not natural; the next thing you know, neutrinos will be travelling faster than the speed of light."

http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/8941/susie-and-jeffrey...

"If you want something doing, Jeffrey, do it yourself."

"That's what gran says, Susie, but I've begun to doubt the wisdom of her words since I met you."

"Are we ever going to visit your gran, or is she a comedy device like my car?"

"I haven't decided yet - I'll have to discuss it with my other half."

"You are your other half."

"Not Denise - Jamie."

"We'd be better off dropping that persona, Jeffrey. Our little blog did better than his 50,000 word epics."

"That's a job well done, Susie."

"What have you been fiddling away with, hunched over like that, Jeffrey?"

"I finally managed to force myself to reread our first nine chapters, and I've inserted a multitude of missing commas."

"Come again."

"That's right - our comma count has increased from 1,553 to 2,216."

"Sometimes, Jeffrey, I worry about your pernickety attention to detail."

"I didn't tot them up by hand, Susie."

The 4X4 bounced on its wheels as our missile struck, caving in the roof above the driver's seat.

"Bull's-eye, Jeffrey! That's buckled their steering wheel."

"They'll be going home on the bus, Susie."

"It serves them jolly well right - pity about the window-box, though. It was probably someone's pride and joy."

"Look what they made it from - no wonder it had such an impact."

The shattered cement casing of the upturned planter revealed its humble origin.

"Ah, Jeffrey, do you know what we've done?"

"Yes, Susie, we've thrown in the kitchen sink."

"And we're not half finished - I hope we haven't peaked too early."

"Oh, Susie, that will be even worse - I can't be two people at once."

"I'm three steps ahead of you, Jeffrey. It won't matter if you're half-and-half this afternoon, because it's all taken care of by my master plan."

"I don't like the sound of this, Susie, your ideas are liable to have unintended consequences. You always make things more complicated than they need be."

"I've learned my lesson; this is genius in its simplicity," she smirked. "You won't be the odd one out, because I'll be on the pitch rugbying with you."

"What!"

"You heard, Jeffrey - we'll be as peas in a pod."

"Nuts in a fruitcake, more like - our double act will call for an even more convoluted explanation."

Susie and Jeffrey 79 - 94 by Jamie Hayworth

"Don't panic, Jeffrey, I'm used to being closely cross-examined - follow my lead."

"I invariably do, Susie, but try not to take us on a ramble up Mount Improbable and into cloud-cuckoo-land with your explanations."

"A creative defence may be a necessity, Jeffrey, if the elders are looking for a scapegoat to supply their pound of flesh."

"In that case, Susie, let Denise play Portia and be the mother of invention."

Susie and Jeffrey 70 - 78 by Jamie Hayworth

"You know what, Jeffrey, I'm beginning to believe in miracles."

"Don't get carried away, Susie, they're not so rare. A person can expect to experience an exceptional event of special significance every thirty-five days."

"Is this one of your scientific facts or did you read it on a sauce bottle?"

"It's Littlewood's law - he's what you would describe as an impeccable authority."

"I'll take your word for that, but it still doesn't come anywhere near explaining our run of luck, Jeffrey."

"Someone has to win the lottery, Susie."

Susie and Jeffrey 59 - 69 by Jamie Hayworth

Just for tonight, Jeffrey, suppress your ego and behave like an average fourteen year old schoolgirl."

"I can't, Susie - if I went missing it would make Denise dense."

Susie and Jeffrey 53 - 58 by Jamie Hayworth

"This is pretty captivating, but give over, before someone throws a bucket of water over us."

"All right, but I am full of animal magnetism, aren't I, Jeffrey?"

"There's no doubt about it, Susie," I purred. "Don't be surprised if, one morning, you wake up and find a squirrel stuck to your forehead."

Susie and Jeffrey 48 - 52 by Jamie Hayworth

"Well, think again, Jeffrey - eating a Penguin bar is the closest I've come to killing an albatross."

"Funny you should say that, Susie, because their chicks are a delicacy; you scoff the lot - bones and all."

"What about the beak and feet?"

"Obviously not, but everything else - apart from the feathers."

"I've never seen them down Tesco's, Jeffrey."

Susie and Jeffrey 44 - 47 by Jamie Hayworth

Susie and Jeffrey can't keep out of trouble on their eventful journey home. A simple walk is spoiled as they encounter ever more dangerous hazards.

"What does Shufflebottom's dad do?"

"What else, Susie - iguzzabout purrinipsifowk."

"Come again."

"Iguzzabout purrinipsifowk. He's a reet clever mon - as my granddad would say."

"Jeffrey!"

"Yes, chuck."

"Stop it!"

Susie and Jeffrey 25 - 31 by Jamie Hayworth

"Oh Susie, what if I get a thing about bridal gowns as well?"

"I'll be disappointed if you don't, Jeffrey. I've always wanted to snog a girl under a veil."

"That's all very well, but this is already turning out to be a very expensive hobby. If we start acting out your wedding fantasies, I'm never going to have any money," I moaned. "Couldn't you have just as much fun dressing me up in black bin liners and brown parcel tape?"

Susie and Jeffrey 19 - 24 by Jamie Hayworth

"He'll have his suspicions, but there's no need to worry - just swat him away, like any girl would a snoopy thirteen year old boy."

"I can't wait, Susie: it's my dream come true - a randy teenager feeling me up."

"I know, Jeffrey - and I promise you, I'll be doing that later."

Susie and Jeffrey 13 - 18 by Jamie Hayworth

"Thank God you're all right, Jeffrey - my heart was in my mouth."

"Mine still is, Susie - and my balls are keeping it company."

Susie and Jeffrey 10 - 11 - 12 by Jamie Hayworth

Thank you all for your comments. They're very generous and I love reading them.

Susie rolled her eyes at me as we pulled her dad up. "Let's have a look at the damage."

Mr Jones grimaced as she waggled his finger. "What do you think, Jeffrey?"

"See if you can grind the ends of the bone together," I offered helpfully. "That's a sure-fire test - if your dad faints, it's broken."

Susie and Jeffrey 7 - 8 - 9 by Jamie Hayworth

"Who's Robbie?"

"Captain of the first fifteen - the most civilised of the muddied oafs. He's a serious athlete - trains on Mars bars and bananas. You must have seen him, Susie."

"Oh that big gorilla," she laughed and poked me in the ribs. "Hey, Jeffrey, you know what they say: if you look like a monkey don't walk around carrying a banana."

Susie and Jeffrey 5 - 6 by Jamie Hayworth

"You're talking gobbledygook, Jeffrey."

"No I'm not, Susie, it's just over your head. In plain English: this will never happen again."

"Never is a long day, Jeffrey."

"Ah, but consider this, Susie: I've suffered a harrowing experience and as a result, I've ended up cross-dressing. That," I concluded triumphantly, "is what you psychologists call aversion therapy."

Susie and Jeffrey 4 by Jamie Hayworth

I didn't go in, Susie came out. I was flat on my back again, but this time I had Susie on top of me. "Hansel and Gretel?" I gasped, "Laurel and Hardy more like."

Susie and Jeffrey 3 by Jamie Hayworth

"Hey, Jeffrey, what's this mp3 Shambleau? It's the only thing that sounds mysterious."

"Classic science fiction - a cautionary tale, which, Susie, I've duly noted. Great to listen to in bed with the lights out."

"What else do you like to do in bed with the lights out, Jeffrey?"

"Well, best of all, I like to drift off to the Shipping Forecast - read by one of the female announcers."

Susie and Jeffrey 1 - 2 by Jamie Hayworth