Easy As Falling For A Dyke.
by:Bonzi 'n' 'is mum.
part:302

I slept like a log, which wasn't terribly good because Simon made noises like a chain-saw much of the night. Actually, I slept okay, but we were up early to go to Bath.

As we arrived at the ancient city, the train announced, "Bath Spa", which I tend to forget, it was of course a popular spa town in Roman times and an Iron Age shrine before that. It's also somewhere that the American Anglophile, Bill Bryson likes, and he's done a commentary on the talking guides they give you to accompany a visit to the Roman baths.

I went years ago with a school trip the first time and it seemed so much bigger than when I went as a young adult. Something that fascinated me was the jewellery they found in the drains, little semi-precious stones which had been engraved with all sorts of pictures which you needed a lens to see, yet they were made before people had invented magnifying lenses. It is quite humbling to think how craftsmen and women must have coped, I'll bet they had eye problems if they didn't go blind. When I think about my own cack-handedness, I'm struggling to darn a pair of socks, I am in awe of those ancient people.

However, I didn't travel to look over ancient watering holes, however tempting they might be, I came to buy something to wear for my father's funeral. I might as well have gone to London, except it's a longer journey and I didn't think I could cope with the hustle and bustle.

Bath is a beautiful city, much beloved of Americans, it's essentially georgian in character with some amazing houses especially The Crescent which was designed by Nash. It plays to its heritage with draconian planning laws and a continuation of dwellings and other buildings being faced with the lovely golden coloured Bath stone. It's also full of interesting passageways and alleys with shops and fascinating buildings, the Pump Room over the Roman baths and of course the Abbey, which is something else and worthy of a visit.

We started to look around and before we'd gone far at all, I lost Simon. It took me ten minutes to find him in the Oxfam bookshop!

"Look I'm sorry, darling, but I have to find something or this will be a wasted journey," I gently chided him.

"Sorry," he said and sheepishly followed me out of the shop. We went up and down the main street, looking in all the boutiques and department stores. Had I been looking for a summer dress, it would have been much easier, but I wasn't.

We stopped for a quick refresher in Marks and Spencer, at their coffee shop and then it was back to aching feet and desperate searches.

Ten shops later, I had seen nothing which took my eye even remotely, Simon had pointed out one or two things, but I shook my head. I didn't know what I wanted, but when I saw it I would recognise it immediately. When I told this to Simon, who'd kept asking me what was I looking for, he shook his head and said, "That has got to be female logic."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing if you're a woman, plenty if you're a bloke."

"Are you getting bored?" I asked him.

"Not bored, more frustrated. I can't help you because you can't help yourself."

"When I see it I will know it."

"Yeah, but I won't so it seems rather pointless."

"You want to go back to Oxfam and Waterstones, I presume."

"It is more meaningful than feminine intuition, to me at least."

I looked at my watch. "Okay, buy me lunch and you can go, we'll meet outside Waterstones at five."

"Okay, lets get some lunch."

We happened to be standing outside a quaint cafe place where I tried yet another tuna salad and he had a baguette thing. It rested my aching feet, the shoes with three inch heels were killing me, but I needed to wear them to get some idea of how a formal outfit would look.

I'd worn navy to my mother's funeral but that outfit was in Portsmouth, and besides I didn't want to wear it again. I wanted something fairly dark in colour but not entirely so. I wanted something that I could enliven with a brighter colour, maybe a red or even white.

My feet were really aching when I went into a boutique, it looked expensive, it was, no prices on anything. Gee whizz, can I afford this, I asked myself? Then after an initial trawl which was fruitless, one of the assistants asked me what I was looking for.

"Inspiration, I have to attend my father's funeral tomorrow. I want something that will look good for that, but I'd like it to be adaptable for other wear."

"Would madam like a suit or dress?"

"A suit I suppose, in a twelve."

She pulled one or two out and I shook my head, then suddenly, I saw it. It was a black suit with little red poppies on the skirt and around the neck and cuffs. It was a silk and wool mix. I grabbed it enthusiastically, I also took a white and a red blouse with me. The red one looked the biz. I now needed a hat and shoes and perhaps a bag, but at least we were getting there.

I nearly corpsed when the suit and blouse came to over twelve hundred quid. However, they directed me to a hat shop, do they say milliner's these days? I also had a twenty per cent discount on any hat I bought there. Having just spent more on one outfit than I'd spent almost collectively before, I was in need of all the help I could get.

The hat shop was just around the corner and I showed my outfit to the woman there. I couldn't say girl, she was older than I was, and obviously the proprietrix. I put on the jacket and she shook her head.

"Let me see the full outfit."

I shrugged and disappeared into the changing room at the back, I re-emerged in the blouse and suit.

"That is absolutely gorgeous and I have just the hat, madam." She went into the back of the shop and came back with a small pillbox with a veil which swooped down to the chin, it also had tiny sparkles on the mesh of the veil.

I'd have to put my hair up to wear it properly, which she did for me and pinned it to my hair. With red lipstick, it would look very dramatic. It was over two hundred quid, even with the discount, but I thought it would do the trick.

I had navy shoes, so I next had to buy some black patent courts, they say when you have sore feet is the time to try shoes. I certainly met the criterion there.

I found a pair with similar heels to the shoes I had on and they were more comfortable. I bought some little pad thingies to wear under the balls of my feet, and they helped too. A new bag? Why not? I added a patent leather handbag to my indulgences, and pair of thin leather gloves on the way back to meet Simon.

I bought a red lipstick and matching nail varnish in Boots the chemist, and found Simon in the coffee shop in Waterstones, where I suspect he had been all afternoon. He confessed but bought me a cup of tea and some carrot cake, so I forgave him.

"I've got everything but jewellery." I slumped in the chair and dropped my purchases on the ground.

He placed the tray in front of me and took my left hand, which he pulled towards him and slipped a wedding ring on my finger. "Lady Cameron," he said and winked.

"Wow!" I said and kissed him.

"I have had this since we got the engagement ring."

"It's beautiful," I held my hand up to the light. He took my hand and kissed it.

"Thank you," I smiled at him.

"A prezzie," he said advancing a small box towards me.

"What's this?" I said looking at the wrapped box.

"Open it and see."

I did as he told me, a first in itself. I took a sip of tea and then picked up the small package. I tore open the paper, and inside was a small box. I opened the box and under a slip of tissue was a gold and diamond dormouse.

"Oh Simon!" I shrieked. Then blushed as other patrons in the coffee shop glared at me. I stood up and hugged him. "It's absolutely beautiful," I hugged him and kissed him again. "Thank you so much."

"Okay, okay, calm down, maybe I should have given it to you at home."

I had tears in my eyes, "It's absolutely lovely, Simon."

"I take it you got your outfit?"

"Yes, it cost an arm and a leg, but it is so nice. I told you once I saw it I would know and I got a hat too."

"Ooh can't wait to see all this, remember the vicar bloke is coming around this evening, to talk over the service with you. Oh and reinforcements arrive tomorrow, Stella and Tom are coming."

"What, that's brilliant. The funeral director chappy has arranged for the pub down the road to do a buffet after the service, so we should be pretty well sorted."

"What's this about jewellery?"

"I haven't got anything to wear tomorrow, least not that I can think as suitable."

"Stella's got loads, borrow something from her."

"That's a good idea, Simon, sometimes I actually believe you listen to me now and again."

"Hey, steady on, if I do it too often, you'll expect it all the time and we can't have that now, can we?"

"Why not? I hang on everything you say."

"That's different, you're a woman, I'm a superior male."

I glared at him before realising he'd wound me up again. "One of these days, Simon Cameron, you are going to push your luck!"

"Ah well, I got the bribery and corruption in first, it helps."

I glanced at the brooch again, it was so beautiful and he'd had to have had it made, that I forgave him on the spot.