Easy As Writing Soaps.
by Bonzi Kiddle
part: two hundred and ninety four!

I grabbed the menu from the bar as I walked back to our table. We had a new comer, which I supposed was John Bennett. He had changed, his hair was long and shaggy, he sported a dirty looking beard and his eyebrows met in the centre. Maybe he was auditioning for the lead in a remake of Rasputin. I think you catch my drift.

I decided I would sit opposite Bennett for two reasons, he'd get full effect of my charms, and if he smelt as he looked, it would be safer.
As I sat down, Melvin, helped me again, which made Bennett smirk.

"Well, someone has changed for the better," was his opening remark.

"That's very kind of you to say so, John." I pretended to simper at him. Simon coughed, so I handed him the menu, "Why don't you choose something for us all to eat, darling." He coughed again trying to stifle a laugh.

"So what ya doin'these days apart from picking up aristocrats?"

I leant forward and said quietly, "Well Simon's estate is rather impoverished, so we take in boarders, traffic a few spliffs and run a, how should I put it, an escort agency."

His eyes nearly popped and Simon's cough seemed to get worse. I had a wonderful recollection of the film, 'Shirley Valentine' where she meets up with an old school chum just by chance, who's played by Joanna Lummley, who admits she's a high class call girl. I had just done the same.

"You what!" Bennett's eyes nearly popped, "You're on the game?"

"I wouldn't have put it quite like that. Why do you want me to see if they have a spare room here?" I said.

Simon was now trying to stop his coughing by drinking a large amount of Guinness and peculiarly, Melvin seemed to have caught his bug, he was coughing too.

"What?" gasped Bennett.

"I'd have to add that to the cost of course." I kept a straight face.

"Cost?"

"Yes, you know I have to make a living you know, and the castle is in need of so much repair. It's only five hundred plus expenses."

"What!" His face went very pale.

"Ask Melvin, I did a special price for him, seeing as he's saving, I think he enjoyed it."

Melvin's cough got worse and Simon had to go to the bar for a refill, he'd finished his drink. I think as well he wanted to be out of earshot.

Melvin looked me in the eye and said, "Erm, you can always tell someone who's found their calling." His voice went a bit squeaky before he continued, "Worth every penny." He smiled contentedly and looked at me trying to keep his face straight.

"You did it with, erm, someone who used to be a boy?" he almost hissed at Melvin.

"Nah, she was never a boy like you an' me, so yeah, she's a good screw. Good as any other woman I've had."

I felt that he had a fertile imagination, smelling of haddock and chips is not the best aphrodisiac I could think of, so I suspected his knowledge was limited and his experience even more so. As long as Bennett didn't twig for a bit longer.

"Are those erm, them things," he nodded at my chest, "are they like real?"

"Of course they are, how insulting, Melvin can attest to that can't you stud?"

"Hmmm," he said coughing again.

Simon returned, "I've ordered, smoked salmon starters, with Wiener schnitzel and asparagus, is that okay with everyone?"

"What!" gasped both Bennett and Melvin.

"Relax, it's cottage pie all round, okay?"

They both nodded and I nearly wet myself. Now we were all ganging up on the moron from my schooldays.

"So you've got a you know what?" asked Bennett.

I deliberately looked blank, "Know what? No I don't."

"Erm, you know down below..." he was blushing.

I looked under my chair and shook my head.

"A fanny, " he croaked.

"Do you mean vulva and vagina and clitoris, or did you think they were Greek islands?"

"Erm," he choked and blushed, "I gotta run," he said looking at his watch. That was the last we saw of him.

The cottage pie was good, although the bricks and thatched roof were a bit chewey! I'm joking of course, the food was very basic but well made and I enjoyed it.