Have you ever had a dream come true? Silly question, that - if you have been on the planet for long enough to be able to learn to read something good must have happened to you along that line. What would be a dream come true for a crossdresser? OK, OK, enough suggestions from the audience, I get the idea. Do you dream of being able to dress full time when not working, live alone, never need to consider anyone else's feelings, do what you darn well please when you want to do it? Unlimited freedom, self expression, fulfillment of your every desire!
Four months ago, (remember I wrote this in the 90s) when the necessity of taking a third shift job out of town came up, I could barely wait to fulfill this dream. My wife had to go out of town to do her master's work and I wouldn't see her anyway, so the prospect of living by myself five days a week was very attractive. Until a few years ago I was a field tech and was frequently away from home anyway. Could this be so different?
I became a happy hermit, curtains closed and dressed every second I was not at work. Just having feminine clothes on my body was sufficient unto itself, an end without means. I shaved my legs even in high summer shorts weather. Nobody noticed - or at least nobody said anything. Arriving home from work I shed my male clothes, showered, and gleefully climbed into bed in nightgown and bra. I wore stockings and garters every moment I was out of bed, and sometimes in bed too. On weekends I left this ersatz feminine world and returned to the real world of family and friends, only to return to my fantasies on Monday morning after work. In other words I had a wonderful time.
Can you get too much of a good thing? Things have gradually changed. A while back I gave up shaving my legs, I just couldn't get up the energy to do it. After weeks alone in my apartment I kept wanting to go outside and had to take off my dress to do it. I started to develop an empty feeling when I reached over to the other side of the bed and there was no one there. Last week I didn't even bother to get dressed, it just wasn't worth the effort. If I hadn't left all my male pajamas behind I wouldn't even have put on my nightgown.
I have come to an almost heretical conclusion: I've overdosed on dressing. I'd rather be with my wife than be dressed up. I want to live with my family full time again. I don't want to get dressed anymore. I have entirely too much of a good thing.
Yet this is even more of a fantasy than my dressing. My kids are grown, both in college now and are leading their own lives; we will never be a family the way we used to be. Even if the job fairy or the NY State Employment Service waved its magic wand and found me a job 500 feet from my house it's been rented and I don't live there anymore. My wife still has to finish her education. I find it very strange to dream of taking off my dress and return to a normal family life when I am living my fantasy of just a few months ago.
Some people are never satisfied.
Comments
OD, or incomplete life
I retired at the end of April last year. My wife of 50 years has known of my cross-dressing for 45 years, and has been tolerant of it for the past 25. As a result, I've been sleeping in a nightgown and under-dressing full time all those years and wearing pretty much whatever I wanted at home.
When I was working, I was required to wear a company provided uniform. Over the years they quit providing replacement pants and only provided the shirts. I was then able to replace the pants with women's work pants. My shoes have been women's tennis shoes all along.
Since I've retired, I've not worn any men's clothes, except one of my old work polo shirts when I painted the house. (Good thing too, since I managed to lean into the wet paint a one point.) I sometimes wear skirts, sometimes women's pants, but always feminine tops while at home. On Sunday's, I butch up my choices (but still women's clothes) enough that folks at church can pretend I'm an average male. (My pastor know I have gender issues and has decided to let me and God work that out.) I really do the butch thing to appease my wife. She is concerned that her friends at church would think less of her for being married to a trans-person for 50 years.
But to the point of this comment: it's not too much dressing, it's being deprived of the rest of your life that's the problem.
Moral of the story... blend your gender into the rest of your life... keeping it separated is a form of insanity. My not so humble opinion.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Actually
Since this was written long ago I am retired now and am free to dress as I please. My 2nd wife is cool with my dressing but I will never pass and am satisfied to dress around the house (well, really an RV - we sold the house) when I want. Stealth dressing in "women's jeans" or such never appealed to me, for me dressing involves a bra and a skirt although I do underdress occasionally. I have found a balance that works for me.