I just had time to think “Oh dear God please save me!” as the shark erupted from under my bodyboard, sending me flying. Even as I fell back towards the water, limbs flailing, that dreadful maw was gaping below me at the exact spot where I would land. My death scream was echoing in my ears when suddenly the noise of everything else stopped. So did I in fact, suspended in mid air, water droplets all around me frozen in flight. Below me the sea was unmoving and the monster that an instant ago had been poised to devour me was halted in mid lunge, it's head just emerged from the water.

“You can get down if you like,” a voice said “It won't hurt you for the minute”

I have no idea what I burbled in response but I somehow twisted myself around until I was standing upright on the water's surface. It rippled gently over my toes as if I was standing on a ledge just underneath the warm water, Behind me stood a figure like a man, but almost too bright to look at, with an enormous pair of feathered wings spreading from its mighty shoulders. On one level it was awe inspiring. On another something about its expression suggested a fussy and slightly crotchety old man

“I are – you – an?”

“Yes, I am an angel.”

“You answered my prayer?”

“Yes and no. Let's not jump to conclusions.”

“Surely you aren't going to let that thing eat me? You're an angel!”

“I am. And you're a human being. And that is where the problem arises. You have free will; I don't or only within very narrow limits. You used your free will to come galumphing into the territory of this poor shark, who is one of God's creatures and really can't be blamed for wanting to eat. It's not as if you didn't know there are such things as sharks or that they sometimes attack humans, you just chose to take a gamble. I'm afraid you lost.”

“What? Did you just pause time time to tell me that you aren't going to help me?”

“I did say not to jump to conclusions, You humans always wonder why we don't seem to answer your prayers, Well, free will is the answer. If we save you from the consequences of your actions all the time or even a significant part of the time free will itself becomes meaningless. There must be consequences to actions.”

“Oh God, I'm dead” I looked down at the open jaws of the apparently blameless-in-the -eyes-of-God shark and felt sick

“Not necessarily. You see there must be consequences to actions, but this is one of those occasions where we can give you a choice as to what consequences. You just sent up a very heartfelt prayer. Elsewhere in the world so did someone else. If you agree to answer that prayer, to be the answer to that prayer then I can answer yours.”

“Do I just sound stupid if I say I don't understand?”

“Not really. After all you've had a shock. More than one come to think of it. To cut a long story short, someone else has sent up a prayer as fervent and desperate as your prayer for life, to meet their true love, in time for Christmas. If you will be that true love, I can take you away from this situation you got yourself into. It's still a consequence, so you'd still be exercising free will

“So what's this woman like? I'm assuming there has to be a catch.”

“This person is a man; that's the catch. Part of it anyway.”

“I'm not gay!”

“Neither is he.”

I must have looked as glassy eyed as the shark

“If you agree I will help you become his ideal woman. His dream come true.”

“Arrggghhh!” Suddenly the shark looked a lot less worrying “What if I say 'no'? One quick bite and I go to Heaven, right?”

“Unfortunately not. Firstly, I'm afraid this shark is quite a messy eater, you'd probably have at least a minute of agony before you passed on and then of course, there's Purgatory.”

“What's Purgatory?”

The angel gave me a mildly irritated look “The quality of religious education has definitely declined. Purgatory is where you purge away your sins by suffering of course.”

“So what exactly happens there?”

“Well first of all you get eaten by a shark.”

“I meant in Purgatory”

“So did I. I'm afraid you've led this shark into temptation. You are about to give it a taste for human flesh that will lead to the deaths of a number of innocent people and, as the authorities react, quite a few entirely blameless sharks. You have to pay for that somehow and I'm afraid in Purgatory the punishments tend to fit the crime. Not that being repeatedly eaten is the worst thing waiting for you, oh dear me, no”

“But I'm not a bad person!”

“My goodness,is that really what you think? Oh well, I suppose you have to sleep at night somehow and it's true there's worse around than you. That Hitler fellow will still be trying to dig his way out of a pit of red hot ashes for half an eternity.”

“Wait, are you saying he gets out at the end of that?”

“Of course not; when he emerges from the ashes he joins Stalin trying to dig a trench through an eternal Siberian winter with his bare hands. ”

But I'll get out, yeah?”

“Oh yes, a few decades and you'll be done.”

“Decades?”

“You've got a fair bit of making up for things to do. Almost all humans do, but sooner or later you will move on to eternal bliss. God loves you all. You can torment yourselves and each other, you can rack up sins that will cost you millennia in purgatory but in the end God grants you eternal bliss despite yourselves. Even your free will can't change that. He loves you, you see, all of you. “

The angel paused and sniffed in a vexed fashion “Personally I don't see the appeal, but there you are. Put it down to His mysterious ways, I suppose.”

“So hang on. If I'm going to purgatory anyway why not just start now?”

“Well you can, of course,” the angel sniffed “its just a question of how long you plan to spend there. Right now you haven't many good deeds to your credit, but if you take this opportunity you're being offered and use it to spend a lifetime being a good person, well, who knows how much time off you could earn for good behaviour. Not that you can escape Purgatory altogether; only actual saints and true innocents do that. “

I looked down at the shark “How long do I have to decide?”

“All the time in the world. Literally. We stand outside the stream of time here. Feel free to ask questions.”

“Is this really the only way. For me to be a-a, to be female?”

“Humans constantly amaze me. Here you are being offered the opportunity to escape a terrible death and an even more terrible afterlife, to live a virtuous existence, to make a good man happy, to have a chance at earthly happiness yourself and you're actually thinking about saying no. Why? Are you afraid of knickers? Do you think blouses are going to rend you limb from limb? Have you somehow confused lipstick with fuming sulphuric acid? No, you just think it's some sort of comedown! I have no idea what He sees in you.” The angel sniffed disapprovingly again.

I sat down heavily on the warm water's surface. Again, it felt as if I was sitting on a surface three or four inches below the water. Little wavelets lapped around my bottom and tickled a vital part of my anatomy., the part in fact whose future existence was the subject of the debate.

“Can you tell me more about the, the man you want to give me to?”

“What would you like to know?”

“Well for a start, why can't he get a girlfriend without divine intervention?”

“Oh he can. What he prayed for wasn't a girlfriend, it was his ideal girlfriend.”

“Please tell me that isn't a bimbo with hair spray for brains.”

“Not at all. Physically he has varied types; you could choose between being a curvaceous redhead a curvaceous blonde or a curvaceous brunette. I don't mean fat exactly, but ample hips, bottom and breasts are a definite plus.”

Hmm I thought well at least I know I have something in common with him

“Oh, lots in common. Apart from him being a good person that is. Oh and clever, of course. Self sacrificing too. You can see why He wants to answer this fellow's prayers. Yours now, well, I suppose compassion and mercy is what He does.”

Did he just read my mind?

“Yes. You can't read mine though so let's stick to actual conversation.”

“Alright, so what do we have in common?”

“What do you look for in a woman?”

I froze. I knew the answer but didn't want to say it.

“A best friend”

“True, and?”

“Funny, witty, cheerful”

“True, but still not the whole truth.”

“Beautiful, vivacious, an artistic nature”

“Keep going”

“A sexy dresser but stylish not slutty. Except sometimes.” I confessed shamefacedly

“Still not quite all”

I slumped. What was the point in lying. Clearly you can't fool angels.

“A lady in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and um passionate in the bedroom.”

“And?”

“And that's it.”

“Not quite, and?”

“And totally devoted to me.”

“You don't expect a lot, do you?”

“Hey, there's nothing wrong with aiming high.”

“No but there's something wrong with dragging people down. She lost the child by the way.”
“What?”

“Kirsty. The girl you got pregnant and then fled across the world to avoid by becoming a surf bum and leading innocent sharks into temptation.”

“Oh,” I suddenly felt a strong and entirely useless, selfish and pointless desire to cry

“Remind me again why you object to being someone else? I mean it's not like you were making much of a go of it.”

I stared wordlessly and the angel seemed to soften for a moment

“They are happy now.”

“Huh?”

“The child. They are enjoying eternal bliss now. Innocents go straight to Heaven.”

“Oh. Thank you.”

“Shall we talk names?” the angel said gently

“I, I haven't decided yet,” I replied, glancing nervously at the shark beside me

“Of course, of course. Take all the time you need.”

There was a long silence while my divine guide looked down at me with perhaps a little more sympathy than before, or than I felt at the moment that I deserved.

“I suppose we could talk names while I think about it.”

“That's the spirit. How about Sarah. That's a nice name. It means 'princess' you know.”

I boggled

“Or how about Rachel?” The angel continued, impervious to my boggling “That translates to 'Innocent as a lamb'. “

I tried to imagine being named after a lamb, innocent or otherwise. Hell, if the guy they were fixing me up with knew what that name meant 'lamb' could easily become my pet name; a lot of guys give their girlfriends cute pet names. I should know, I'm one of them. I boggled some more. Then it hit me that my own girlfriendhood, if there is such a word, was actually a real and imminent possibility and I had to stop boggling to put my head between my knees.

“Deep breaths, deep breaths,” the angel said gently “I do realise this is a shock. You've devoted a lifetime to being male, it's going to take you a while to realise that being the opposite is the object now rather than something to be avoided. I can't really understand how you feel myself, not being human, but maybe if you remind yourself that what you once would have run a mile from is what you're trying to be, it might help.”

I gradually regained control of my breathing and sat up properly.
“OK. OK, maybe you have a point. Let's try again. Are there any good girl names that don't basically translate as 'piece of fluff'?”
'.
“Victoria means 'victory' which is definitely unfluffy, but for some reason humans always shorten it to 'Vicky' which means 'Person whose full name I can't be bothered to say'.How about Polly? That means 'Star of the Sea'?”

“Um. I like the translation better, but I just don't think I could cope with a name that sounds like a morning person.”

Let's see, there's a long tradition of girls being named after virtues, Faith, Hope, Charity, Ruth- “

“Ruth?”

“It means pity or compassion”

“Oh, all right, let's put those on the list.”

“That's the spirit. Now, plant and flower names are very popular too, Heather, Flora, Laurel, Ivy, Laura, Daisy, Tulip, Rose, Camelia.”

“How about Josephine, or Charlotte?”

“Well you must have realised that free will means I can't prevent you, but I don't think it's a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can see your thoughts and I know perfectly well that you chose those names so you could call yourself Joe or Charlie.” The angel shrugged “Do it if you want to, but believe me, if you go into this with that spirit you aren't going to make it work. And if you don't make it work you're just starting a whole new lifetime of opportunities to rack up bad karma for yourself.”

I sighed “I see what you mean. Alright carry on with the names.”

“Let's see, Kayla which means slim and fair, Rhiannon, pure maiden, Annabelle, grace and beauty, Amanda, fit to be loved, Seren, star, Chloe, blooming, ”

“I think that's enough to choose from.”

I looked at the shark again. I really was going to have to do this. “Annabelle,” I said “I'll be Annabelle. Grace and beauty it is.” Oh God help me I thought, and then remembered He already had.

“I think that's a very brave step,” said the angel, smiling properly for the first time “grace and beauty are fine things to aspire to.”

“I don't aspire to them yet, “ I said a little sadly “I don't even want to aspire to them. But at least I can want to want to.”

“Let's get you out of here then Annabelle,” smiled the angel. An instant later we were standing on a walkway under blazing sunshine. To my relief I was still a man.

“Becoming a woman takes practice,” the angel answered my unspoken question “You'll be gradually learning everything you need to know over the course of the next year or so. We'll be posing as father and daughter but you can call me Clarence, if it makes you more comfortable.”

“Clarence?? Did you just make a joke?”

Clarence, whose wings appeared to have vanished, only smiled.

A young woman who looked like she had just stepped out of a movie roller skated past wearing only a skimpy pink bikini. Oh sugar, that's the competition now, I realised Hey, where are we- oh no!

California girls, we're unforgettable
Daisy Dukes bikinis on top

“Oh my G-”

To be continued