Happy Thanksgiving Pink
Before I tell you about my day, I want to say what I am thankful for in my life. My health, I am not only talking about my physical health when I mention this. I also mean my spiritual and mental health. I have never been in such a good place in my life. The best part is I know it will only get better.
I am thankful for my friends and family. Until I accidentally started this sojourn of self discovery, I never realized the great support group I have. I am blessed that somehow I surrounded myself with a good circle of friends. They bring out the best in me, and I hope I bring out the best in them.
I am thankful for Dana, he is special. He has all the great qualities a woman can ask for in a man. He is kind, charming, caring, and compassionate, just think how long this list of his good qualities would be if I also used words which did not start with the k sound. I know I should not be joking. I am nervous with how easy it is for me to be in touch with my emotions. I always was, but saw it as being passionate. Sometimes it is a little difficult to accept how strong my feminine side is.
Back to Dana, he is patient. He is still waiting for us to consummate our relationship. I am not ready and he is not putting any pressure on me about it. I want our first time to be perfect and also I need to know more about who I am before opening myself up to him in that manner. Like he said why ruin the chance of having something great (our relationship) just for a moment of carnal bliss.
My man sees the progress I am making and know the payout is worth it. I know it is a subject I will bring up with Dr Lutz. Put it simply, I do not like that I sometimes get an erection when we are passionately kissing. It ruins the moment for me, reminds me I am a man. That really bothers me for it feels like a lie.
I know sex with Dana will be me opening up to him like a way I never did so before with a man. Yes opening up is meant both figuratively and literally. Having a sexual relationship with someone is opening yourself up in such an intimate manner on an emotional level. That is why biblically known is an euphemism for sex. I also mean literally for I always think of him penetrating me and not the other way around. I so hope he does not want that, I do not think I could do that. It just feels wrong thinking of it. Dana should be in me, not me in him.
There is so much more I am thankful for but the last thing I am thankful for which I will mention is how honest I am being with myself. I am facing many difficult realizations about who I am. They are hard for they are showing me I was not who I thought I was. Even with them being insignificant in the big picture, how much society put an emphasis on them they do have an impact on me.
I am lucky that I work for an university, so if I am gay or transgender I am protected by their discrimination policies. I do not know what I am yet, I might be a gay crossdresser or a straight woman in a man’s body. I use those descriptions for a lack of better terms. I do want to say one thing I do know I am and that is happy.
So if I did not work for a place with a liberal policy on giving their workers protection, I would have to worry about losing my job. Think of it, in this day and age people can still get fired or not hired just for who they are. That is sad.
Now onto Thanksgiving, it was nice waking up feeling Dana’s arm and seeing him next to me. I do sleep so much sounder with him sharing my bed than by myself. It is a little hard to explain, I feel safer with him in bed with me. I feel watched over and I need that right now.
With Stacy staying at my place it was easy to go to the gym this morning. We both motivated each other to go. If she was not here it would had been easy to just sit at home and enjoy the rest which comes with the holiday. We did not, we both have goals and if we want to make them during this season we have to put more time and effort in obtaining them.
Overall Thanksgiving at my parents went great. I only say overall for Gail has something up her ass about me seeing a man. I would had never expected her having issues about me having a man, for one of her best friends is gay. While I should say a person who used to be one of her best friends is gay. I found out today those two are not on friendly terms anymore.
I will say it was kind of strange her being there on her own. This was her first holiday with the family since her and Troy separated. They were together for over 15 years, yeah highschool sweethearts. I know she has taken it hard, but that does not explain how shitty her attitude was towards me and Dana.
I did not care that She try to make me feel unwelcomed when I went out into the kitchen to help mom, Carmen, Ms Crilly and her. She mention how it was more about woman talk and bonding than helping. Mom mention that most of the talk was about their man and I have one, plus it would be nice to bond any of my children. I did notice she did not use a masculine pronoun or the masculine word for child when referring to me
What got me was she gave the cold shoulder to Stacy. Stacy was a guest at our parents’ home and that was no way to treat a guest. Gail was raised better than that, she knows better than that and she is better than that. At least, I used to think she was better than that.
Ms Crilly was happy for me. She told me she believes he is the one for me. It was from the smiles we had on our face when we look or think of the other. It was also from how we complement each other so well. Mr and Ms Crilly did give each other that special smile but they did not complement each other. They were both career driven and after 5 years ago Ms Crilly had a chance to move up the corporate ladder by moving back and did so.
I am happy that they are still on great terms. She called to tell him about me and Dana. I talked with him and of course he thought Dana was a woman at first. He was taken back a little when he found out. It was from him not expecting to hear I was with a man, and I made sure he knew I understood why.
I do not want to dwell on the negative but Stacy did try to stir it up between Russell, Carmen and me. She mention how she thought it was not appropriate for Dana and I to hold hands in front of the children. How about the children is the last resort of the scoundrel. Russell just calmly said he saw nothing wrong with his children seeing two people in love showing affection, and Carmen agreed.
I am proud of him taking the high road and also trying to stay as neutral as possible. This is not between him and her, so their personal relationship should not be affected. He told her he does not agree with her and that is all he should do. If he does not want to hear her keep on putting down my relationship then that is an issue between them. But her not liking it is not and should not be one.
That is all I bring up about Gail, for she quieted down after that. One was for mom had a talk with her and two she left right after the meal. I do wish I knew what she has against me being happy. I do wish to know why something which does not affect her gets to her so badly. I do not care if she does not like who I am dating and the reason behind it, just do not be so vocal about your disapproval.
During the small talk after the meal my dad and Dana were talking about golf. Dana then asked Bridget if she wanted to be the new regular in the Sunday foursome. Not only did that make Bridget happy, it also made Stacy happy. It had to make Stacy feel better about herself getting the support of the guys.
The guys do not want anything to do with that rat Gary. I do not blame them, if they did they would have their ladies mad at them :-). Being serious the guys are also friends with Stacy and they did not like how he treated her by seeing his personal assistant behind his back.
A little aside and I know it is none of my business. Why would Gary do that not only to Stacy but himself. He works in production planning for Paulson Corp and he has mention that his direct supervisor,Tim Rodgers, is in line to be the next CEO. He also mention that Tim is looking to get out of the rat race. Something about Tim wanting to slow down his pace of life and enjoy it.
That fool had a chance of moving up and getting himself some on the side ruined it. That company will not take the unwanted chance of moving a potential sexual harassment lawsuit higher up the management chain. Especially his boss, Gary always talked about how loyalty is important to Tim. Gary showed disloyalty to his wife, himself and his friends, that rat.
It was a great day and I loved being around my extended family. Ms Crilly is like an aunt to me. I am happy that she came this year for Thanksgiving. She should had the last 4 years but she thought that she lost her connection with my family when she moved away. She did not. My mom and her are like best friends
While Diva it was a long day and I am off to bed.
Good mid morning to you Diva
Yesterday Dana and I had our first real fight, disagreement, or issue. Oh don’t worry we work it out by the end. I say this was our first for I do not what happened after our first kiss as a fight, disagreement or issue between us. That was all three of those between me, myself and I. The action did bring it to the foreground but Dana was not involved in it.
It was about my upcoming therapy session with Dr Lutz. We talked about when I schedule it and yesterday Dana told me if I liked I could have the session today. I was a little shocked when he told me that and asked him why. He used a favor to get her to see me at her home office.
I was so mad, I know his heart was in the right place but I do not want preferential treatment just because I am seeing a doctor. It is not fair or right. I also did not want him to take the lead on my journey of becoming who I am. I know he is in the lead of our relationship and I love it. I am in the lead of this self discovery.
We came to a very quick understanding, it was still emotional. I cried and he wiped away my tears. It was just how casual he said it that made me think he was not taking into account the pace I wanted and needed to take this journey. I know he respects it and he just wanted to help me get there as fast as possible. He knows in a way I feel a little lost and just wanted me to become more assured of where I am going.
From now on we will be more open and serious when talking about my gender issues. I do joke about it some with Dana might have thought the sooner the better for me. I just want to stress his heart was in the right place and he saw the error of his way. Also it was not a big deal for it came from a misunderstanding. Another great quality he has is he is humble, he will admit when he was wrong and why.
Dana knows I am in the lead and he overstepped his bounds. I did talk with Dr Lutz and she reassured me it would be fine to move up the appointment if I wanted to. That she was not just doing it for Dana asked. It was from when she looked at the file her assistant made for me after talking with Dana and came to the conclusion it would be best for me to come in early if I liked.
I told Karen,that is what she told me to call her, this Saturday would not work for I needed the time to mentally prepare for our first session and asked her if next Saturday was fine. She understood and told me yes. Karen also stressed that it is fine for me to take my time. She just thought it was best for me to come in early for the file suggested I am at the verge of a big breakthrough.
Speaking of appointments, I did not forget about getting my tattoo. I am getting it on the Dec 10th. I know Stacy can make it and I hope the other Muses can also. Stacy said they should and we will make it an entire day thing. Get the tattoo, go shopping, get a nice dinner and then maybe hit the town. I am excited.
Dana heard about hitting the town and suggested that we do a proper date tonight. I loved the idea and mention too bad I cannot go dressed more like his Belle. By the way after the night of our party I always wear panties now, I just like how comfortable they are. While I should say how comfortable I feel in them.
Sorry for all the tangents today, I am just in a good mood and have so much of nothing to share. I am saying nothing for in the big picture me wearing panties is not anything of significance. I mean I know what it represents is a big deal but wearing panties itself is nothing.
Stacy heard me wanting to go out as Bella and suggested that we hit Bulls and Queens, a gay club. The girls used to go there to dance and not get hit on. She assured me I would not be out of place dressed as Bella. I was so happy and asked Dana if that was fine and he said anywhere I want to go is fine. I have a nice frilled hemline dressed which I have been dying to wear.
I wanted a proper night out with Dana, but at the same time wanted to get home early to spend time with Stacy. She still has the need for friends to be around. Stacy assured me that she will be fine and she needed the time alone. I giggled for she almost sounded like a teenager who was getting their parents out of the house so she could be up to no good.
While off to the gym and then have some proper time being the beautiful Belladonna.
And sometimes Ben :-(
Quick entry OMG. OMG. OMG. I think I know why Gail has an issue with Dana and me. I saw Troy out last night at Kings and Queens. He was with Asa Wheatley, Gail’s old best friend. They were dancing together and having a great time. They kissed. I felt so sorry for Gail. She was betrayed by not only her husband but one of her best friends. She stuck up for Asa when the others kids would pick on him for being different.
After brunch I will stop over her house and talk with her about it. She has to be in so much pain. Being cheated on can make one feel inadequate, they can feel they are to blame for what happened. Then with it to be someone of the opposite sex of you, has to make it worse. I mean you can think you drove them away from being with people of the same sex as you.
Dana and I met a lady at the club who was in the same boat as me. It was her first real time out as who she was. Her name was Melody and she was a sweetheart. She goes by Melody and not Mel. She stressed that point so I am stressing it also. I do not want to call her Mel. We both talked about how important having good social support is
Dana saw an old flame and I am proud of myself, I was not jealous at all about Dana’s past. In fact when Alan went to leave us to ourselves I suggested he stayed. He did. I was happy for Dana had someone to talk to while Melody and I hit the dance floor. Later on in the night the two guys did join us. It was so fun and freeing to be on the floor with a new friend, my man and one of his exs
When leaving Alan called me to the side to tell me, he knew that I make Dana happy and Dana is lucky to have me. That felt good for so many people have told me I am lucky to have Dana. It made me feel that I am adding as much to Dana’s life as much as he is adding to mine.
We are up to pick up Stacy and go to brunch/golf.
Another long day, I swear sometimes I go to work so I can have time off from my social life. The other Muses loved the day out plans for two Saturday from now. I told them all about therapy. Beth talked about how she believed that everyone should do therapy, she has issues with depression. Trisha made sure I knew no matter the outcome they will be there for me and I would be treated the same as before, a Muse. That was sweet of her.
This touched me for she said if I do transition her first child would have a godfather and godmother, instead of two godfathers. James and Dana are close friends and he was always their first choice for godfather. Then we me being with Dana I became the choice for the other godparent.
I was happy that Bridget was golfing for she took Stacy back home. I am not calling it just my place, for Stacy is more than a guest. I want her to treat it as her home. I know it would had been a minor inconvenience, but I would have had to drop her off and then Dana off before going to Gail’s.
I got there and Gail answered the door and started in on me. I looked at her and told her I know. We talked and she got some of her hate,anger, feeling of self doubt and inadequacy out. I do not want to go much into details about; for it is her story to share, not mine.
When she was calmed down she did ask me how bad I went off on Troy. I told her to let me finish before she jumped all over me for not doing so. I told her about Belladonna. Hearing about Bella put her in a better mood and made her forgot that her ex-man did not get the tongue lashing he deserved.
While, to be more accurate, her jumping to a conclusion put her in a better mood. She always wanted a sister and now she got one in her eyes.It might be a little later than when she wanted one, but she is taking it. I am not her brother no more, I am her sister.
When I went to leave she told me to call Dana to invite him over now. She wanted to have a chance to make a good second impression on him as soon as possible. I did and Dana was more than happy to come over
I am happy with how it went. So happy, I know I use that word a lot and hope I do not bastardize it meaning by doing so. But I am a happy person. I am in a good place in my life and instead of just being content and being scared of messing it up. I am moving forward to get to a better place.
I have to share this. Dana left the room and Gail said, these are her words “Sis, if he wasn’t your man I would so be trying to get him. He is a catch and also I can tell how happy you make each other. Any man would be lucky to have you.”
Her calling me sis felt right. I am her sister. I know I said she jumped to conclusion but thinking of how good it felt hearing sis from her lips made me think. I might be a man but that is no reason my relationship with Gail is not one of two sisters.
Dana and I left and with us both tired from a long weekend we just went to our homes instead of me to Dana’s. I need to do some cleaning at my and Stacy’s place anyways. I spent most of last week enjoying life or being their for Stacy that I neglected my domestic duties at home.
As I drove up I saw Bridget’s car in front of my house and thought nothing of it. I think I startled them coming in for those two had a look two children being caught with their hand in the cookie jar. I told them to relax and carry on for I am going to do some tidying up around the house.
Anyway I am off to bed, I have to get back to work tomorrow.
I love working at an university during the holiday season, just had a week off and now after two more weeks of work I will get a little over two more weeks off. Monday was my first day at work with panties on and I did overreact to a casual comment made.
One of my subordinates asked me what had my panties in a bunch when I mention to him he needed to be on time. He has started a bad habit of coming in late on Mondays and I am trying to put stop to it before I have to do formal disciplinary action on him. My eyes opened wide when I asked him what. He quickly got serious and said he would make up the 5 minutes tonight and make it a point to be on time.
I do need to see Karen, for how I am going to handle that situation if you know. You know what I am going to say, so why should I say it. I know why for I need to say it out loud. How would I handle that if I do transition.
I know he meant no harm by saying that common saying, but intentions are meaningless in this situation. That saying implies that a bad trait to have is only associated with the female gender. Some people might think that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but dammit I will be treated with respect. I will not have people try to downplay my reactions because of my gender. What gets me is that the disrespect comes from people just not thinking and being inconsiderate.
Ok I am calm now. Stacy and I went to the gym and tonight she is going to dinner with Bridget. I am so happy that Stacy is being social. She needs to move on. Stacy and Bridget are becoming good friends.
I am off and taking a change of clothes, for I am staying at Dana’s tonight.
Wow I did not think I would have all this nervous energy about tomorrow. It know it is a big day but still it is just talking with someone about who I am. I have been doing that with you so I am an old pro.
I asked her if it was a good idea to bring you with me and she said only if I thought it was. I do, I need to be an open book with her and what better way of being an open book than to bring an open book with my thoughts in them. I know what I just said was confusing, but I understood it, giggle.
James, and Trisha, invited us to come over tomorrow night to just spend some time together. I am looking forward to spending time with them. . James and I talked on the phone and for once the jester was serious for an entire conversation. He wanted to make sure I knew I could come to his house dress however I wanted. That he wanted me to be comfortable in expressing who I was.
It was adorable how he wanted to make sure that he did not overstep his bounds. I find that adorable for when people are overcautious is when they tend to think they put their feet in their mouth. He thought he did when he said oh he would be happy if I wore nothing. We both laughed.
I am just saying that was sweet of him and I am going to wear something feminine, do my hair some. I want to wear feminine clothes around other people. I like how I feel in them.
I am off to go over Dana and watch a DVD
(drops the imaginary mic)
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