The Pink Diva Chronicles Day 77-84

Day 78

This is how life should be Pink Diva; the feeling of contentment, happiness and belonging I have right now as I write in you. I never felt as happy doing nothing in my life as I am at this moment. I am just curled up on the couch next to my man who is enjoying playing a video game.

I will say that when I first started writing in you, if someone told me that I would be happy with the intense intimate feeling of caring and having a connection to a man I would had run away from you. I would not had been able to handle it, now it feel weird to think that I tried to make that kind of a connection with a woman. I think that was part of the issue, I just assumed I was a hetrosexual man. I try to be what I thought I should be, instead of just being me.

I know I never really showed any of what people would say were the common signs of I don’t know what. I just don’t know what to say. I do not want to call it gender confusion in laymen term for I never question my gender. I just accepted I was the gender people told me I was.
Looking back some I see I always had a strong feminine side but people used masculine terms to describe it. I excelled in writing at school and the teachers said I was articulate. If I had a woman’s body it would had been I knew how to express my emotions. People said I was tolerance of others instead of I was open minded.

I know people say words choice is not important for words are subjective, but that that rings hollow to me. That rings hollow to me for their has to be group consensus on what words means for their to be any meaningful communication between people. The bigger the difference in the meaning of the same word between people the bigger the misunderstanding will become.

This of this, if a man stands up for what he thinks is right, he is assertive while if a woman does she is a bitch. You can’t tell me saying someone is assertive and another is a bitch for doing the same thing is not important. One describe an action with a positive connotation while the other describe the same action with a negative one.

So word choice do matter for it leads to our thoughts, and our thoughts lead to our feelings and our feelings lead to our actions. This circle can flows the other directions and start at any point, but words are how we express our thoughts.

I know it is more complex that what I just wrote. There are so many other factors which contribute to communication. That is why I do not know what word to use, I want what I say to be correct with who I am and I am still finding that out. Using the wrong word will give me the wrong mindset. I need to be mindfulness of who I am.

While back to my point before I got lost in the jungles of my thoughts. I did not show any of the noticeable signs that I am out of the range of range which society deemed acceptable for the gender which was assigned to me at birth.

The signs which people see as huge indicators of a person’s gender are usually superficial. They do not make the person the gender, instead the person’s gender makes them show those signs. I have no idea why I did not other than fear. Not fear of rejection, but fear of feeling like a fool.

I promise you Diva, I will get to you tomorrow morning before Brunch, I want to cover the last two days. I got sidetracked trying to figure out what I would say I am.

Love ya

Day 79

Good morning Pink Diva,

See I kept my word. Before I got to you. I woke up and watched Dana sleep a little then I made my way downstairs to start the coffee. Now I am sipping my coffee while gathering my thoughts to put in you.

This weekend was great. The reason it was great is for we did nothing to make it great. Being in each other’s presence was enough.

Dana suggested that I leave buy a new toothbrush when Stacy and I go shopping and I leave the old one here. I told him if I do so then I would have to buy double the toiletries and he quickly told me he was hoping I would say that. He has two dressers in his bedroom and one of them is now mine. I know I called it his bedroom and it is. I also know the day is far off but I am looking forward to the day that is our bedroom.

We made plans for the party and Dana was excited about my idea of it being an English pub theme. We will have some IPA, bitter, stout and cider along with beer, wine and hard liquor for our guests to drink. The hors d'oeuvres will be mini beef Wellingtons, mini Yorkshire puddings with Parma ham and sour cream, chicken madras egg roll and mini veggie Cornwall pasty.

I was concerned about the amount of alcohol we was going to have to buy to have that large selection. Dana said not to worry about it for we will be having get togethers over the holidays. I did panic a little bit thinking of the holidays.

My parents, Dana has to meet my parents. I do not know what they will say. I do not know how to even bring it up. I mean, for lack of a better term, I will be coming out of the closet to them and also saying here is my boyfriend. I will stop over my parents this week and tell them I have a guest to bring for Thanksgiving and who he is. This sounds bad, but to butter them up I will mention he is a doctor.

Speaking of parents, Dana never really talked about his. I asked him where we were going to spend Thanksgiving. It ended up it will be at my parents. Poor Dana does not have a relationship with his mom and his dad goes on a cruise for Thanksgiving.

Dana opened up to me and he grew up in a very dysfunctional family. His mom was verbally, mentally abusive and a drunk. His dad got strong enough to leave her when he saw the effect of the abuse on his children. I said too much, even with Dana saying it is fine to write about it in you, it is his story not mine. I will say this, I will make sure that Dana and I have a strong and healthy homelife.

Back to the party, we have the house looking great, and I have my saturday planned to cook and get the place ready. Dana wanted to cater the party. There is no way I was going to do that, I love to cook. Plus, I want the memories of our first party together to include us talking about how everyone raved about my cooking. It will make looking back at the party more special for the food came from one of us. Plus if Dana helps a little we can say our cooking.

I am off to help my man greet the morning with a little breakfast in bed

Might be back later

I made it back, wow. I knew it needed to be done Thanksgiving is only 12 days away. I called my parents in the afternoon after doing some shopping with Stacy. I asked my mom if they were doing anything this evening and the answer was of course nothing. I told her I was coming over.

Before you say anything, I do go over a lot. I just did not bring it up for nothing special ever happened when I went over there. I love them and they love me. There is not much to say other than the normal visit of a child to their parent’s house. You know hearing the same stories the same time. One of them asking me about someone I met once when I was seven and them being shocked with if I remember them and also being shocked if I don’t.

Pink I am going to cut to the chase, their reaction was surreal. I know I did not tell them all, there is no way that I was going to drop about my feminine side in on this talk also. No big reaction, oh I am happy for that. I do not want drama, but it was like I told them it was sunny outside.

My dad was impressed that I in his words “snagged a doctor”, and he was serious. My mom also seriously said I better keep an eye on my sister, Gail, for she might try to steal my man. They did ask one thing for Dana to come over before Thanksgiving. They do not want him to feel like a stranger in their house on a holiday.

Oh they were happy for me and we talked about him, but it was nothing to them. I am happy, so happy for I want them to like him. I want them to see how good he for me and if they are positive about us being together then it will be easy for them to see that.

I also have to tell Gail and Russ, my sister and brother. I will be inviting them to the party. I called Dana right after my parents and he talked me down from hyperventilating. I am nervous telling Russ, he is born again. I asked if I could invite them and of Dana being Dana, he said the right thing. Only if I wanted to.

I am off to bed, I need the rest. I am a little drain from looking towards the holidays.

Good night

Day 81
I so needed spin class today. I needed to get my frustrations out. I also needed to spend time with Stacy. Her just being my friend is support enough. I needed that after how yesterday went.

I saw my sister and then my brother and his wife yesterday. Seeing them went opposite than how I thought they would. It was amazing how your siblings can still surprise you for the better or for the worse

Gail looked at me in disgust when I told her about Dana. I asked her way she disapproved and she said for it is unnatural and sickening for two men or two women to have sex. The only reason why I was with a man was for I could not please a woman. Also, not to expect too much interaction with her while I was under the delusion that I wanted to be with men.

I was shaken and on my way to Russ’, I thought I was going to lose both a brother and a sister on the same. If my sister had those views on gays, how will my brother react. It had to be worse than hers.

Shame on me for thinking the worse about Russ and Carmen. Those two were so supportive. When I knocked on their door they could tell I was upset and they invited me in. I did not want to go in, I could not. I needed a quick escape after they told me I was going to burn in Hell. I said I rather stay out here and tell you what I have to say.

Russ was really distressed at me saying that, he believed my announcement was something big and bad. I knew that is what he believed the news was. I said “Russ, sorry but I am gay and I have a boyfriend. I am so sorry.

When I saw how mad my big brother got, I believed my expectations were right. He told me to get my ass in there right now for we need to talk. Gail only heard Russ use of a swear word and told him to watch his mouth. I listen for I am his little brother. It is funny even as adults sometimes people revert back to the roles they had when they were children with their brother and sisters.

The first thing my brother said was he loved me and I never need to be sorry for who I am. That he was disappointed in me for not telling him sooner. Before he could continue I told him the story of the last 3 months, even about Tink. I started to cry for I thought this was the last time we would talk.

That was it, if my brother was going to disown me, it was at least for the entire reason. It was not in spite but so at least it was for who I am.

Carmen came over and gave me a hug and told me everything was alright Russ did also, then I brought up how they saw me as a sinner. He then told me yes but he was also a sinner, we are all sinners. The important part is to love God and love one another. Two people in a loving relationship cannot be a sin in his eyes, so I am not a sinner for being in love with Dana. Plus, even if our love was a sin, it is not his place to judge others. His wife agreed.

We talked some and they are so looking forward to meeting Dana on Friday We are coming over to their house for dinner. Them saying they were happy that I found someone special was so important.

Again, Russ went back into the big brother mode. He asked me if I was seeing a psychologist about my gender dysphoria. That juts brought up the internal question I been having and doing my best to ignore. I did not want to deal with it then or now. I told him I need to first get a base of who I am before I do so. I know he is right and I will look into it next week.

So the gym today was what the doctor ordered, from dealing with my sister and knowing I had to confront who I am.. It was good to be next to a friend just spending time together. No judgement, no facing the facts, just time with a friend. The gym was nothing groundbreaking, but it is the little things in life which make it great.

Day 83

Before I start Dana’s last name is Hewson. I know I been telling you all about him and I never said his surname. That was rude of me.

I bring up his last name for he came over last night and he brought a toothbrush, more on that later. He was so nervous about meeting my family. He wanted them to like him. I kept on calling Dr Hewson when reassuring him until he started to laugh. People will laugh when the person they love is just being silly.

I know he is worried about my sister and he just does not want to cause disharmony with my family. He will not, he has done nothing wrong. It will be Gail. She is in the wrong.

Another part of that worry is my man also wants my family approval. Dana just wants to make sure he is also in that part of my life.

Back to the toothbrush, yes he brought a toothbrush and a change of clothes with him. He left the change of clothes in his car at first. Like I said many times before, he is a gentleman. Dana mention that now he can stay over when he has a change of clothes. I said too bad you do not have one for tonight. He smiled and got the clothes. I was so happy, he spent the night. Sleeping in his arm is so rejuvenating.

Again being a gentleman, he told me he would take the clothes he wore today home. I told him no way, I would wash them and give him a drawer.

Went to spin class today and I feel so bad for Stacy. Something is up between her and Gary, he told her some bullshit that he has to a business trip and leave this Friday. It is bullshit for he is leaving Friday after work. He does have a business trip to do QC at a plant but he would not leave till Monday. His company is not going to pay for a weekend of putting him up at a hotel. Plus he would tell them he was not going to waste a weekend away to do prep work he could do at home.

At least Stacy cheered up when we ran into Bridget. Bridget mention it would be fine for those two can spend the night getting to know each other better. I am so happy those two hit it off. I know I am sounding selfish; Bridget is going to take Gary’s place for the golf foursome. I thought, good we will still have brunch now.

I felt small thinking about brunch and that is why I wrote it. I know too many people just put the good in diaries. Even now I am trying to sanitize that thought by saying it would be good for Stacy to have brunch with us girls. No, I thought that for me and right then I should had been thinking of Stacy. Yeah, Pink I am human.

Yeah I was selfish, I know why I wanted the brunch, I want to be around the girls on Sunday to find the right mental place for Dana meeting my parents on Monday. I do not need it. I put my want in front of a friend’s need. Stacy will need us more that day and was thinking of making it about myself. I know people need to be selfish, but a person needs to know the right time to put the needs of others or the group above their own.

Saying this being their for Stacy will help me find the right frame of mind for Monday. I will be not thinking about, I never thought I would be saying this, how my dad will treat the man I bring home. The worse thing is I think I am going to be embarrassed by my dad asking Dana so much about being a doctor. I want my Dad to like Dana for Dana and not for being a doctor.

I am off to bed, this is a big weekend and I want to be rested.

Day 85

Quick little entry, I have a busy day ahead of me. Dana went to cover a shift at the hospital. He felt bad, but he is a doctor and that will happen. I got having the place ready for the party covered. While I should say Stacy and I have it covered, she is coming over and going to help with cook and do any other last minute preparations which need done. Nothing major should be needed.

I want to tell you about dinner with my brother and his family before we host the party. I would not do the dinner justice if I try to do it with talking about the party. How well it went deserves more space than I am going to give it. It was nice that they found common ground for they have someone they care for in common.

Thomas, Peter and Angela are my nephews and niece, How Russ introduced Dana to them set the mood for the time together. He told them he was Uncle Ben’s boyfriend. It felt good that he was out in the open about it and that was the only talk about the relationship that night.

Those three treated him like they would any adult, boring until he found common ground with Tom and Spidey. Hey I am Uncle Ben so I have to call Peter Spidey. Those three are fans of the Marvel movies.

Angelia wants to be a doctor to work with the poor and Ben promised her no matter what he will help her however he could. He meant it, if for some reason it does not work out between us, I know he will keep his word. That is why I know it will work out unless I mess it up.

Russell and Dana got together fine. By the end of the night they were at ease just joking around. Carmen pulled me to the side and told me I have a keeper. She also said she never saw me smile so much as I was that night. I told her that it was from love and it is the same smile she has on her face I see when she is around Russell.

I want to say more but those details will just bore you PD. Let just say there was much laughter at dinner last night. I will write in you tomorrow night for I know I have to share the party with you.

Love Ya

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