The Pink Diva Chronicles Day 71-76

Day 73

I know, it is Monday and I usually get back to you Sunday night; but I was too tired from the weekend to do you justice with what I would write. Plus I wanted to just soak the rest of the weekend in before I told you about it.

The day with Stacy was great, I never thought that I would enjoy shopping as much as I did with her. While do not get me wrong, the shopping was fun, it was not what made the day. Spending the time with Stacy and becoming closer to her was what made that part of the day special. We will be spending more time together, for we agreed it will be three spin classes a week for us. I do want to lose a weight a little quicker.

I have to say this on shopping, there was just something nice about finding the right piece of clothing. Then having someone tell you it is right for you and them asking you for your fashion sense on what they were thinking of buying.

I know I did shopping before with Trisha. This time it was different. It was not for a costume, it was for my wardrobe. Yes, my wardrobe, in some ways it was hard for me to say that you. It was not for that I did not like everything I bought today. I did and I am looking forward to wearing them.

Saying my wardrobe has led me to an existential question, who am I? I know a name is just that, a name. It does not make me who I am, but it does represent who I am to others. Still I have to question am I Ben, Tink, Belle or Belladonna. Am I just a conglomerate of all those names, with them just being a different aspects of me.

I will say I am not at my happiest when I am Ben. Do not get me wrong, I love being Ben. I have a good life as him. It is just I am happier when I am not him. I am so much more at peace when I am around Dana, his friends and the other Muses. I know I am not Ben then.

It is like, Ben is good and I can have a good life with him. I know I can have a better life as those other names. It will be hard if I am not Ben, but I cannot let the good be the enemy of the great.

Even on Friday having that great time with my friends, I was not all Ben I was more Belladonna. They did not notice or if they did they did not care. I was just myself and I did feel myself glowing. Yes, I was glowing. PInk Diva, you know that no one who is a Ben should glow.

It should not matter who I am other than I am happy but it does. I need to know my true essence not so I act how I should. I act how I should be just being and not thinking. I need to know so I can better have my physical self be an extension of who I am. I am not in the mood to talk about this now. I do not know if I am strong enough to express who I am in public. I do not know if it is a want or need. I just want to be happy.

I know I have to talk about this more, but it will be at my pace. I will not rush becoming who I always was. Yes I said was. I am changing but not changing at all, I am recognizing who I am and people see that as changing. It is just letting my true self shine.

Back to shopping, I went a little overboard with my purchases on Saturday. It is no big deal, just a dent in my vacation funds. I have been saving for a vacation, which I was not taking for years, so in a way I just finally spent some money on myself.

The best was I actually tried on the clothes. I could not believe that I did, I mean could not believe I was not scared at all. Also I asked Trisha if she mind if I try them on. She was happy for me and wanted to see how I looked. I know I did not look my best, my hair was not right and no makeup, plus no pantyhose or the right shoes, but I felt my best.

I understand why I was not scared now, a guy is not going to be buying dresses. skirts, blouses and tunics for a woman. The sales ladies all knew they were for me. Also, I had the support of a dear friend. Having a good person at your side makes one brave.

After getting home from shopping, I started to rearrange my closet. I now have a Ben section and Bella section. I called Dana to see if he wanted me to come over. He laughed and said of course.

I did wear one of the blouses over. It was a light purple one with a floral doodle design on it. It felt right having it on. Even with it feeling right I felt concern what other people would say. I was going to have a coat on and hop in my car. No one would see me, but I felt a little shame. I could not help but think that people knew.

I know would not had cared if any of the girls were at with me, or even Bridget. Now if I was at Dana’s side I know I would feel proud of how I looked in it. Light purple is a good color on me.

When I got to Dana’s I was nervous taking off my coat. Too much could of went wrong. I do not even want to discuss it. Dana smiled when he saw it and said mention I looked nice. That was all which was said about it and was enough.

We just relaxed and watch some television. We also talked about the party. We was so worried about it going right. I still am. I want our friends to get along, I want them to have a great time at the party. I want to be a great co host. The worse thing about fretting about this get together was if you think about it hosting a good party is easy; you have free food, food and also your friends on your side . People want to have a good time.

If I was thinking I would had stayed on Saturday night, I wanted to but did not have a nightie. I almost did not let that fact stop me but I also did not have anything to wear for brunch on Sunday.

Sunday was a normal Sunday, while almost normal. Dana did pick me up to go to the country club. He was such a gentleman, he picked me up and I came out to get going and he still got out of the car to open the door for me. I loved it. I want him to do that all the time. He also said, if I did not mind if he came for me, he wanted to come to my door and do it properly. My heart skipped a beat when he asked that.

Trisha and Beth were shocked when I told them about shopping. They so want to see the outfits so they are coming over on Thursday night. They wanted to on Friday but I told them I had plans to stay at Dana’s. Then some good natured razzing started. It was back and forth between everyone. How razzing should be.

After brunch Dana asked if it was fine if we just spent the day at my place. That was a good idea for we are going to have a couple of busy weekends ahead with the party.

We got home and I asked Dana if he could turn on the coffee for I wanted to change my clothes. He turned a little red and admitted that he was hoping that I would say that. He quickly apologized, like I said he is such a gentleman. This was cute he then said I should hope you wear nothing. He turned beat red. And started to apologize again.

I laughed and told him I knew what he meant. I told him that I wanted to change and it is fine if he liked and hoped to see me in a dress. He started to talk more and I just walked over and kissed him on his cheek then told him, don’t worry I want to change. I want to show you some of what I got. I told him it was going to take a couple of minutes for I wanted a little makeup also.

I came down the steps in my chambray blue bell sleeve tunic dress and he looked up, my heels were clunking on the steps. All he said was wow. I loved that I made him give that response. We talked a bit before we started to watch football. It was about doing things, and not just sex, at a pace which I am comfortable and the only thing Dana wants is for us to be together. The talk made me know whoever I find out I am, it would be the right person.

The rest of the day was just natural, I know I use that phrase a lot. All we did was watch the games and I enjoyed being myself, nothing special. It was just nice being curled up next to my man and making sure he was being taken care of when he needed or wanted something. I find it comforting to take care of him.

The weekend was great for not what I did, but who I did it with. Also the bonds of friendship being built and made stronger.

I am off to bed Pink, thank you for listening to me. Opening up to you has made me start to open up to myself.

Day 75

I know I mention somethings in passing to you Pink Diva and that is just not right. I say the Muses a couple of times and never really explained them, I know I said it is like the female version of the Three Musketeers. It is, but so much more. I am honored to be a part of it.

Those three have been friends since their freshman year in college, and until me they never even thought of adding someone else. They did not even think of adding me, it just happened. No discussion one just said Ben is one of the Muses and the others agreed. I laughed at thinking of them calling me Ben as I wrote that.

Being a Muse is something for life, we are going to share the rest of our lives as sisters. We have unity and I want to show it, so I am going to get a nice cursive tattoo of Tink with a couple of little stars on my inner wrist.

This is important to me, a little reminder of who has help me find this wonderful life which I am making for myself. I am proud of myself for I am not worried about who sees it, in fact I want people to know I have that connection with the girls.

I know I do not bring it up, but we use the nicknames all the time with each other. I might put down Stacy in you Diva when talking about her, but my mind is thinking Mony, Mony as I write it. I like the tight bond I have with those three.

Speaking of Mony, Mony we ran into Bridget at the gym. I did invite my old friend to the party and Stacy was just as happy as I was about Bridget saying yes. I am happy that Dana and her are going to finally meet. I also want her to meet the other Muses for how great her and Stacy get along.

I will talk with you soon, I need to take a shower and get ready for Dana coming over.

Ta Ta

Day 76

One more day until I spend the weekend at Dana’s. I know this is not my first time sleeping at his place, but the other time I did not share a bed with him and this time I will.

Stacy came over to my place right after spin class. It was just easier for her and I also do not think she wanted to go home. No, I know she did not want to go home. Her and Gary are in a rough patch right now. When she is ready to talk about it, I will be here for her. Of course, Beth and Trisha would be also, but it seems like Stacy and I are becoming best friends.

I know Dana is my best friend. I mean like best girl friends.I mean our friendship is like that of two woman, not a man and woman.Oh that is hard to say, for I am not a woman. I know I have a feminine side. With having that and questioning who I am, I should not say I know. I do not know. I do know that someone who is all man would not be in a nightie writing in a diary.

Stacy used my shower and when she came down told me, we need to do another shopping trip. I loved shopping with her so without thinking, I agreed. Then she said I need better shampoo and conditioner if I am growing my hair out. I agreed and she then said we will also get you some nice shower gels, bubble bath, and a bath bomb. I actually got a little excited thinking of it. I thought how nice it was going to be to have the right hygiene products to express my feminine side.

I know what is a bath bomb? While it is a more intense form of a bubble bath. I say more intense for it is not to just relax in but also to rejuvenate and exfoliate the dead skin for a more vibrant look.

I did not even think of growing my hair out, but I am. I had not had a haircut since 3 weeks before I met Dana. It is longest I ever had it. I also do not see myself getting a haircut.

I got ready also. Yes I did some makeup for I wore leggings and also that light purple tunic which I wore over Dana’s with flats. Stacy said wow, when she saw me. It was a different wow than Dana’s, but it still felt good. She then offer to style my hair.

I really got excited inside and said yes. I felt my hair did not look right. She did my hair and added more body by using round brushing and my blow dryer. She added hair gel, spray mousse a better hair dryer and iron to the shopping list.

As she style my hair, she was giving me pointers so I could start doing my hair more feminine. Then the topic went to what I really need to but do not want to talk about, where is this going. I know I have to know, but it is just coming natural now so I want nature to take its course.

I told her right now, I do not know. I just want to express who I am at the moment when I can. Me showing the girls my new wardrobe of course I was going to express Belladonna. Then she told me it is not the clothes which make me Belladonna. I knew that, the clothes are what I want to wear. It is my physical expressing who I am.

I then told her about the tattoo. Stacy told me I do not have to do it, I was a Muse without it. I knew that I want to do it. She said she wanted to be there when I got it. I want her there and I also want the other two there also.

This is more that a tattoo, it is a ritual, a sign of me being part of that tribe. It is only right that the other share the moment with me.

Beth and Trisha showed up and was shocked to see me all done up. They were so happy for me. I was happy also. I know I been saying happy a lot in you, but I have been happy. I need to make sure my mood is shown in you. When I go back to read you in the future, I want to make sure I know how full of joy this part of life was.

After a making a little bit of a deal about how I was dressed. We looked at my wardrobe. Then I told those two about the tattoo. They got teary eyed and said they were going to be there. These girls are important to me and I am so happy that I am getting a mark of unity on me.

The night ended and Stacy left last. I told her I am here for her if she ever needed to talk. She said she knew and just me being there right now is all she needed.

I am off to bed for I have a big day tomorrow. I have to run home right after work, pack my weekend bag and get to Dana’s.

All my love

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