Hey there Pink
I am so going to be using you for the foreseeable future. Everytime I find out something new about myself it just leads to so many more questions about who I am. Having your answers about who you are just leading to more questions is one reason I think many people are not introspective.It is for it leads to people having to do more soul searching and finding out things about themselves which they do not like. Then they will have to make a huge decision- change what they do not like or ignore it.
Change is scary to people so they do not want to see how they really are and which areas of their personality and being needs work. If life is decent, people do not want to rock the boat. They think to themselves if it is not broke don’t fix it. They should instead think why settle for anything else than the best.
While those questions will crop up in you directly and indirectly, I am not trying to be deep with you right now, and just talk about the last couple of days.
Where to start, while it was great passing out candy with Peter Pan. I will get back to that later. It was great to spend some one on one time with Stacy. I greeted her when she came over in costume, no I am going to call it what it is a dress.. I did not even think about answering the door of my home in a dress until she brought it up. Then it was still no big deal, like I mentioned to her I did pay for the curry in a nice skirt and tunic combo.
It is no big deal if my neighbors saw me for it is Halloween, plus I like wearing the costume, sorry force of habit calling the Tinkerbell outfit a costume, a dress . It feels right to wear. No it is more than right- natural and comfortable. I do not even notice I have a dress on. I like how the costume, no I am going to call it what it is a dress fits on me.I need to get use to saying I like dresses and skirts. I like how they feels on me. I like how I feel in them. Lastly, I like the message it conveys to people who see me in them.
We sat, had coffee before she started my makeup and we just chatted. I could tell something was on her mind. I asked her what and she just did not seem comfortable talking to me about it. I was not going to pry but I did tell her that she could share anything with me.
Then she asked me what she should call me now. I told her Tink, for that is who I am to her. She said no your name, what is your name. I could tell that she needed me to just be who I am, so I said Ben. Before she could say what I knew she was going to say I corrected myself, call me Belle, that is what my Ben calls me.My friends smiled told me she did not mean to push me into anything which I was not ready for.
I got what she meant right there, my feminine side needed a name. Tink is a nickname for when us girls are the Muses. Belle is Dana’s pet name for me. Ben is not fitting for when I am expressing my feminine side. I looked at her and told her Belladonna, so call me Bella.
She smiled and said you need not force the name it is fine. Today is about you so let us just drop it. I could not drop it, for my friend needed to talk. Plus Belladonna is fitting for me and how I feel in a dress. I feel like a beautiful woman. That is my name, at least when I am fem.
I told Stacy my name is Belladonna and why. Hearing that made her forget what was on her mind for a moment and put a huge smile on her face. Then she wanted to know all about Bella, and started to ask the first of what she wanted to be many questions.
It was a simple one, how often am I going to dress. I giggled for I am a little nervous. Yes I had a nervous giggle instead of a laugh and I like it. I told her this is so new to me that I did not know, all I did know was that I like how I felt right then, how somehow I felt even closer to her now than before and knew it would not be if I was dress like Ben.
Yeah, I refered to my male side in the 3rd person. I know he would joke and say I know how being a superhero fells. It is nothing like that. It is not that we are the same person, I mean we are. I do not know how to put it right now other than being Ben is more of an act for me than right now being me in my new nightie (more on that later) writing in my Pink Diva.
I told her I do not know, this is new to me. I do know that I will make the right decision for I have friends like her, friends who will be there for me. So let me be there for you now as you will be there for me when I need it.
Stacy got a sad look on her face. I am not going to go into that much details right now, for Stacy asked me to keep it between us. I know you are not real Pink Diva but it still it would not feel right to tell you too much. Her and Gary are having issues. He was not truthful about where he was on Saturday night.
Men sometimes want to fix everything, and if she felt I was more Ben than Bella she would not had open up to me. She just needed someone to hear her out, so I was there for her. So she could make the decision of if she was making too much about it. That maybe he went to do what he said and those plans fell thru so he just did something else. That he did not say the changes after she asked about the night for it was boring. Still I think he should had been truthful about Saturday night.
This is between me and you. I think Gary is a lying sack of shit. It did not add up when I saw it on Sunday but he gave Dana the you are killing me look, drop it, when my man mention it was nice to see him for it has been a couple weeks. I just chalked it up to Gary not liking to show any form of affection. He is the only one of Dana’s friends who I never saw initiate showing a little sign of affection to his wife.
Now I think he told my friend that he was going to hang out with Dana. That would be perfect cover to do anything. I hope I am wrong and he just hung out with some other friends when Dana did not answer the door.
It was time to start the makeup and with me admitting to Stacy I will be expressing Bella. I helped her. I have to say it was fun putting on makeup. Stacy and I are going to shopping this weekend for my own makeup kit.
Then she mention how I have been losing weight and it happens we go to the same gym at the same time. Stacy takes spinning classes, so I am also going to sign up for them. I agree with her, it is going to be nice for us two to just spend time together. We will be able to form our own personal connection outside of our group.
Dana came over and for me this was big, I greeted him with a kiss. Then we held each other’s hands. It was big for without thinking I was affection with him around Stacy. I know she is a friend, but still this is all new to me. It is normal for anyone to be self conscious doing something new with other people around. Then again, even with it being new, it felt like Dana and I always show each other our affection. It also felt right, like a missing part of me was here.
We had a blast as we passed out candy. Only one of the people who knew me recognized me. I asked her not to tell anyone. If any of the neighbors asks who was giving out candy at my place to me, I want to tell them it was me and my man.
It was fun also to see the smile on Dana face as he asked the trick or tweeters what they were. He was so funny when instead of asking he would take a guess. He would make it wrong on purpose and the kids would correct him and they would be laugh. One of the sweetest things to here is a child laughing and calling an adult silly. I like that Dana has a silly side.
After passing out candy, Dana and I just spent some time together. I gave him an extra key to my place. I will be getting one for his place the next time I see him. I know he felt no pressure for how casually he said it.
I wanted him to spend the night. No, get your mind out of the gutter Pink Diva, I do not know if I am ready for that right now. Of course when someone says that they do not know if they are ready, that almost always means they are not. It is just that they do not want to admit it.
The reason I am not sure if I am ready for us being as intimate as two people can get is not for my feelings for him. I know right now that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to grow old with him. I know this is a cheesy but I know the best is yet to come with our time together.
I am not ready to be as intimate as two people can I need to know more about myself. I want our first time with me being who I am. I do not want to have me be Ben in the bed if I am really Belladonna. It would not be fair to either of us, would not make the time together as perfect as it should be and in a way it would cheapen it. I want our first time together to be as special as it can be, and that makes it worth the wait.
I know it seems like a huge leap with me questioning my gender, my sex. It is not. I know I feel right when I am around Dana and I act and take the more feminine role. I know I feel right when I am hanging out with the girls and they see me as one of them. I have never been this happy and content as I been in the couple of months. It is from me being who I am for once. Now I just need to know who I am.
Back to wanting him to spend the night sleeping here. I so wanted to wake up with him and us start the day together. I also want that to be special and it would not had been. It would had been both of us rushing around to get out the door. It should be us easing our way into the day.It will happen when it should happen.
I am off to bed, sorry that I did not get to the nightie or my phone call with Frank. I promise you I will tomorrow.
Hiya Pink Diva
As promised I got back to you right away. I know that in the past I did try to run away from you when I got close to finding out something new about me. It was for I did not know what really was going on. I did not know how much discovery I had to do. I was scared for in some ways I was finding out my life was not what I wanted or the truth.
First my nightie or should I say my nighties, I bought myself a couple of nighties. Both of them are plain, when I say plain I mean monochrome, one light purple and the other cotton candy pink and only a little lace on them. I do like the spaghetti straps and the little bow in the front of the cleavage. I know the bow are a vestige from a time when they actually served an essential function. When they were used to tie together the nightwear. I also know the word for something which is retained but no longer functional and is just a stylistic feature, skeuomorph. Thank you YouTube channel, Today I Found Out, for giving me that bit of information.
I do not care that they serve no real purpose other than making the nightgowns a little more cute. Like I said I like cute and sorry I am not giving a total anymore of how many cute things in my room. I just will say that I added two more cute things to my collection.
I like them and how they feel. I will admit it feels a little funny wearing one. Not for they are for women. It feels funny for I do not have the right underwear to match. Yes, I need to go get panties. I am hoping when we go shopping for my makeup kit that Stacy will not mind me picking up some more cute feminine items.
I know I say cute a lot and I like cute. This is more about just feeling and being cute. That is part of me and I like to feel and be cute. In a way it feels like my default setting. It might explain why I always felt a little uptight. I was not in the right mode. It would be like a car driving in the wrong gear catching and grabbing all the time.
Here is why I saved telling you about talking with Frank until today, PD. We did not talk that much on the phone, we told me to come on over today. . What I wanted to tell him was not something which should be said over the phone. While, I don’t think it is. This is for more than it was just me telling Frank about who I am. It is me sharing with Frank. I am opening up to him and we should be face to face for that for we can.
I did go visit Frank today after work. It was great to tell him about Dana. I did not know what his reaction would be. I know he would accept me, but did not think he would be as happy as he was for me. That felt nice, I felt accepted by him for who I am.
It might be crass I think he summed it up the best when he said I do not need his approval of who I fuck, he is just happy that I found someone who I want to fuck and be with after I fucked them. Yeah, three f bombs in one sentence. I always thought he was the Oscar Wilde of our generation.
After we talked about it a little more, it was back to normal for us. We talked football and he said he missed me at the bar. I told him Dana and I will soon come down. He joked about me being on a short leash and we need some time just the Riverview Crew. He is right but I want the rest of the crew to meet Dana again as my boyfriend.
Before I left Monica, Frank’s live in girlfriend, came home. She asked me what was new and I told her about my man. I thought she would be shocked, but she wasn’t. I looked at Frank and he swore he did not tell her. I then looked at her and she just said woman’s intuition.
We started to talk and Frank left the room. I know he did for he saw how good Monica and I were getting along. We did not force him out of the conversation, it just went to emotions, or how Frank put it woman talk so he was not drawn into what we were talking about.. He wants his friends to get along great with her so he was happy to see us click . He wants her to feel like part of the group when we get together. Friends and family are important to him
We chatted for a while. It was just so comfortable for us. I told her all about Dana and even about Halloween. I did not bring up Belladonna, it would not be right. I need to know more about myself before I talk about her openly to someone who is not as close to me, like Monica. We made plans for her to join us at the bar this Friday. I think it will be great. Monica and I can get to know each other better and my friends can get to know Dana better.
Hey there PD, I know I have not talk much about Dana this week. Do not worry I still think of him a lot. It is nothing new so I did not put the details in it. I write enough in you, just think if I put everything down.
I know it has not even been a week since I told Dana I love him. It still has really change the dynamics of our relationship. We talk on the phone everyday, and he sends me texts out of the blue, I also do the same to him. They put a smile on my face. Heck, thinking of him puts a smile on my face.
I am writing you before Dana shows up to pick me up. We are going out to eat before we meet up with my friends. Dana asked me out all formal. It was so sweet he asked if he could take me on a date. I know it is not our first date, but let’s face it a girl loves to be asked out by a man.
BTW, the spinning classes are great and fun. It is nice to work out with a friend, it makes it feel more like fun than work. I know I still have the same goal of losing a couple of more pounds, but it also helps strengthen a relationship so it is not as much of a chore.
Yesterday Stacy and I ran into Bridget and those two hit it off. I just had to mention it for I love when my old friends get along with my new ones.
Yesterday was a little strange, it was for in a way I took a step backwards in showing my affection with Dana in public. At first I chalked it up to nerves. It was fine at home, but I know it was more than nerves. It felt wrong.
No, no no, do not even think that Pink Diva. I love him with all my heart and soul, in a way he brought me to life. He helped me see who I really am. It is just I was not that person while dress like Ben. While at least I cannot be just yet..
The night was great and all my friends were so happy for me. I got teary eyed when they were. Even Eric, with that almost eternal dark cloud over his head, was happy. I would had laugh when he said Dana and I being together touch him for he is such a romantic. He actually is and in one way that is why he is down.
My friend pines over the one who got away. He plays Boys of Summer on the jukebox and sing along to himself the part “one day I am going to get you back, going to show you what I’m made of.” I would find it adorable, if there was a way for him to do so.
No one knows where Heather, the girl he is lovelorn over is, she could be anywhere. If someone came up to me and told me she was in the Painted Desert doing a vision quest, I would believe them. All I know is that she needed to get out of town to clean her head and stay away from her demons and she left.
Back to the night, Frank did bring Monica, Scott brought Paige, the girl he is seeing. So it ended up us three girls forming a little group while the menfolk formed another one. Paige is so sweet and naive. I mean naive in the nicest way possible, she had a shelter life with a deeply religious family before she moved here. So her social experience is more formal and rigid.
Paige does not have to inhibitions about making sure not to say something which could be taken wrong. I was happy when she said nonchalantly talking to me was like talking to a girl. Most people would never had said that right away to a man they just met. They would be scared that they would hurt that man’s ego. Monica just gave a look when she heard that for she knew about Tinkerbell. I think her woman’s intuition was starting to add up I am not the normal gay man.
Dana came over and asked the girls to excuse us for a second, he needed to talk with me. He was laughing and his body language was very relaxed so I was not concerned.
My man asked me if I would like to host a party with him. I jumped at it and said yes. He then asked how long it would take to plan a nice relaxed get together for about 20 people. I told him I could do that in a week. He said good.
Then he asked if it was fine, if he invited my friends over for a get together so they could meet his friends. I was so happy I let out an eek. We both looked at each other and laughed at that sound. I then said yes.
Then he got a better idea, we asked them together as a couple. It was the right way to do so. We are one in a way. That is what we did. It was so nice to be next to him as we requested their presence at Dana’s house in a fortnight from tomorrow.
Before the night was over the groups merged. It was nice being next to my man but something was missing I know it was. I could not figure it out.
Anyways, I was really touched when Liam told me I had a catch. I looked at him funny, for he is a little homophobic, and by that I mean he is just a little uncomfortable around gay men. He then said, while Dana is a great guy and I am happy that you have someone great in your life.
That took strength for Liam to say, the true strength that one does not get from lifting weights. While in a way it can come from working out for it takes discipline to commit to lifting weights on a strict regiment. That discipline helps to form character and Liam stepping outside of his comfort zone to say that shows he has good character.
We were leaving and Dana and I walked out hand and hand. It still felt right, but not as right as it should have felt. That something was still missing. It did not feel as casual as it should had. On the way to the car, I think I figured it out. This was the first time we held hands without me having anything feminine on my body.
I know they are just clothes or accessories, but in public I think I need an conduit to connect Bella with the outside world. In a way as Bella, I am like Paige, naive. Then I am also a little scared. My fear is the side of me of Bella might not be real and is just a way for Ben to accept being with a man. I know that fear is unfounded. I just need to be myself more to know I am who I am.
Dana walked me into my house. I kissed him as soon as we got in there, I was a little shocked. I never really initiated kissing when I was in any relationship, yet I jumped on Dana wanting more. It felt so good. I am not going to get too graphic, our kissing and tender embraces rapidly shifted up a gear to heavy petting. I stopped it right away when I knew I wanted to go further.
Dana was such a gentleman and I told him I had to talk. Of course he was fine with that. We talked about taking this slow, and I do not want him to think I was being a tease. It is just I need to be more in touch with Belladonna our first time. He totally understood and told me I was worth the wait. That our relationship would be built on trust, friendship, compassion, companionship affection and understanding. Sex will come if and when it does.
A tear came to my eyes when he said that, he was not worried about sex at all. He wanted us to be in each other’s life as that special someone. Dana then said, he knew the party was two weekends from now but he would love it if I all of next weekend at his place. We could start getting the place ready and more importantly we could start the day together. I let out another one of those eeks.
I am off to start my day shopping with Stacy. It is just going to be us two girls. I hope she does not mind me dragging her to many different stores today.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos!
Click the Thumbs Up! button below to leave the author a kudos:
And please, remember to comment, too! Thanks.