Easy As Falling Off a Bike pt 3186

The Daily Dormouse.
(aka Bike, est. 2007)
Part 3186
by Angharad

Copyright© 2017 Angharad

  
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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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“You spent the whole evening talking about bees with the girls?” said Simon with a hint of disdain.

“I wouldn’t say the whole evening, but they asked me questions and I answered them and—one thing led to another.”

“And they were still doing their homework at eight o’clock.”

“They know quite a bit more about bees than they did before—all twenty five thousand species.”

“I suppose you invited them to meet each one.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Simon, that would be impossible, they met appointed representatives.”

We were sitting at the table, he was late home and taking his irritation out on me which I felt was unjustified, it wasn’t my fault that the train broke down. He nodded at my nonsensical answer it was obvious he wasn’t listening, being more interested in his dinner, which was not quite as nice as it had been an hour earlier—some of the gravy having dried up.

He sipped his glass of wine, I’d declined one after reading that any alcohol at all can damage your body. I was sipping elderflower pressé instead. “What’s that you’re drinking?” he asked noticing the colour of my drink and that it was in a tumbler rather than a wine glass.

“Elderflower, why?”

“What’s wrong with the wine?”

“Nothing as far as I know.”

“Oh you read that thing in the Guardian did you—any booze kills you sooner stuff?”

“What if I did?”

“Look, they say if you give up sex, smoking and drinking—though in your case it would probably be just chocolate since you never smoked and you’ve given up the others anyway—you don’t actually live longer, it just feels like it.”

“If that was a ploy to get your leg over tonight, it just failed.” I smile sweetly.

“Bugger—I’m trying to be more original in my chat up lines.”

“Simon, that joke is attributed to Noah.”

“I suppose he had to do something besides shovelling sh..you know what.”

“I’d like to know how he kept the lions from eating the zebras and antelopes...”

“He probably had a troop of angels with flaming swords stopping it.”

“Well polar bears can cope without food for six months of the year but I’m not sure how many of the others would have coped with empty tums for six weeks, except snakes and some other reptiles. I mean what about shrews—they need to eat practically every hour and consume about half their bodyweight every day.”

“What do they eat?”

“They’re insectivorous.”

“He had some mealworms on board I expect.”

“And where did he keep the wood boring beetles?”

“In the hull? Anyway, you keep telling me it’s an allegory so why didn’t he just take some antihistamines—that would have cleared it all up much quicker.”

“I think you’re confusing it with allergy.”

“There’s a difference—cor strike me pink.”

“Yes and you know it.”

“So, is sex with you an allegory?”

“No that’s an allergy.”

He finished his meal and sighed rolling his eyes as he did so. He was going to have to try a lot harder to talk me into satiating his carnal desires than talking nonsense.

“If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”

“No I’d send you to the optician.”

“What’s a bloke got to do to get to sleep with his wife?”

“Just come up to bed—to sleep.”

“That was just an allegory—I meant full-bodied sex.”

“I think you meant euphemism.”

“Jesus H Christ, I’m on my knees with frustration because we haven’t done it in ages and she’s correcting my syntax.”

“Um—it wasn’t syntax I was correcting...”

“Oh for Chrissake, what’s it matter, can we shag?”

“If you like.”

“Why do you always have some sort of excuse?”

“I don’t.”

“Women are all the bloody same—once they’re married they take a vow of celibacy.”

“I haven’t.”

“Answer me why?”

“I will if you’ll tell me why you just ignored my replies to you.”

“They’re always the same.”

“How would you know if you don’t listen?”

“I’m listening now, what did you say?”

“I can’t remember.”

He pushed his hands up to his face and groaned loudly. In some ways it was just as well he’d covered his face because I was smirking and that would have driven him mad.

I had reconsidered. It is some time since we were intimate, mainly because one or other of us has been so tired, it’s been bed and sleep. Half the time, he’s to blame and the last time he fell asleep as soon as he was satisfied and long before I was and the time before I fell asleep during—yeah, I was that tired, it was sort of wake me up when you’ve finished: except I didn’t wake until the morning, stuck to the bedclothes. Still, I suppose you don’t want the fine details anymore than how I had to strip the bed before I went to work.

Eventually he went off to watch Newsnight or maybe it was just the ten o’clock news. I had some emails to send so went off to my study to do that. Some while later, Stella arrived bearing a mug of tea and we chatted for a few moments before she went off to bed and I went back to my emails.

“Right, I’m off to bed.” He announced from my study doorway. “I don’t suppose there’s much chance of my wife coming too.”

“Let me just finish this one,” I said as I pressed send and then closed down my laptop. I looked around, he’d already gone. I checked the doors were locked and went on up to bed, he was already in bed and reading.

“Won’t be a minute,” I said and dashed into the bathroom to clean my teeth. I emerged about three minutes later—as long as it takes to clean my toofies, have a pee and wash my paws. The light was out in the bedroom and he was lying down. “Oh,” was my response. I quickly stripped off and pulled on my nightdress and slipped into bed. He was lying with his back to me.

I cuddled into the back of him and put my right arm around his waist and gently rubbed it, my hand moving south very slowly.

“Your idea of fun is it, to torment me then say you’re not interested?”

“If you’re going to be silly about this, then any interest I have is directly in inverse proportion to the degree of nonsense you’re talking.”

“What the hell does that mean—inverse proportions? You’re not teaching one of your classes now you know?”

“Sorry am I sleep lecturing again?”

“Ha bloody ha.”

“Okay, let’s keep it simple, if you want it come and get it, but don’t take too long as the offer is time limited.” With that I rolled over onto my back. It had the desired effect and he satisfied his animal urges—me? It was okay I guess insofar as I wasn’t too sore and he’d got some fun out of it. He was asleep by the time I’d cleaned myself up. I think we need to talk about a few things.

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