Inner Demons, AKA "Journals of an Angry Trans Gurl"
© 2017 Haylee V
* This is a true account of my life experiences. All persons portrayed in this story are based on actual people I've met throughout my life, and the events portrayed actually happened. No malice is intended to those individuals involved, and names have been altered to protect the identities of the people portrayed. *
* This is a copyrighted property owned exclusively by Ronald Heyward Bailey, Jr., written under the pseudonym Haylee V. Exclusive rights are hereby given to host it on Big Closet Top Shelf or any of its affiliated companies. If you are reading it anywhere else, please be aware that you are reading a pirated copy, and should inform one of the web mistresses of Big Closet (Piper, Erin, or Sephrena) the web address where you found it. *
* Thank you for taking the time to read this story. I hope you find it as enjoyable to read as it was for me to write -- Haylee V *
* And now, on to the story. *
Chapter Two (Continued)
Signing the papers would seal my fate. I would slowly become dehumanized - a non-entity.
As I slowly handed the completed forms back to the nurse, she read over them to insure everything was in order. She turned and nodded to the officers guarding my door.
"Everything's ready," she said, clinically. "Just let the doctor sign off on the paperwork, and you're free to transport the patient."
The patient... I thought. Not Mr. Daniels. Not even an informal Geoff. I have become "THE PATIENT". The dehumanization process begins. Thanks for making me feel LESS HUMAN than I already felt.
=== === ===
The doctor came in about five minutes later, to inform me where I'd be "observed". He checked my heart, lungs, and reflexes. He had the nurse check my vitals, then motioned to the officers.
The officers slowly walked in, pistols at the ready.
"We're going to have to handcuff you, sir, before we transport you. You ARE NOT under arrest -- it's strictly a safety precaution - to protect you (and the officer traveling with you) from harm. They'll be removed once you're at the center."
I shirked back from him. I'd never been in trouble with the law, and the fact that they wanted to handcuff me - A COMPLETELY INNOCENT PERSON -- had me extremely agitated.
"Handcuff?" I shrieked. "I'm not wearing any damn handcuffs. I've done NOTHING wrong!"
I barely felt the needle as the nurse jabbed it in my arm. I took a step backwards, towards the bed. I almost made it, before everything went dark. Fortunately, someone caught me before too much harm was done.
=== === ===
When I awoke, I was in a sickening green room. The stench of decay, antiseptic, and urine? filled my nostrils. I found myself securely handcuffed to a slab of wood with a sheet haphazardly thrown over it -- my "bed", I was informed. I had been stripped completely naked (all I had worn was "the gown" anyway, so I didn't have much to lose) and deloused, and my head had been shorn to the scalp.
"I see you're FINALLY awake. About time. My name's Dr. Voss. We've taken the liberty of making sure you have no contraband, and have prepped you for integration with the other patients. IF you behave, you MIGHT find things go a little easier for you. If you cause trouble" -- he strongly emphasized the last word -- "like you did with transport, then you'll WISH you had the luxuries you have now. I'll be unchaining you now. Boris and Rufus here will make sure you don't give me trouble. UNDERSTAND?"
I nodded slowly, looking at the two gorillas beside him as they snarled. Are they even HUMAN? I thought.
Dr. Voss unlocked the first cuff, twisting my left arm into a VERY uncomfortable position as he did so.
"What the f*ck??!!!" I screamed in pain. "That's my arm you nearly broke off, dipshit!"
Boris just stood there with an evil grin plastered on his face. Rufus just growled -- loudly.
"Sorry," the doctor said. "Maybe the next one won't be quite as painful..."
He turned the key to the other cuff, bending my wrist back as far as humanly possible -- and a little further for good measure. I think I actually heard a bone snap...
He threw my limp arm on the bed. "Now, we have an ... UNDERSTANDING. You're the patient, and I'm the doctor. You do what I say, when I say."
"Oh, and one other thing -- That 'dipshit' comment. Cursing is verboten, as is a lack of respect. Read the handbook," he said, throwing a well-worn, dog-eared book on my bed. "You just earned a night in 'the tank'."
=== === ===
"The tank", as I would find out, was a sensory deprivation chamber. No light, no sound, no smells, nothing. Not only that, but as another measure of cruelty, they had not fed me in the 16 hours I had been there. Nor would they be feeding me -- until my punishment was up. And then, only if the doctor and his goons thought I was "behaving properly".
I wonder what a sadomasochistic dick -- tator. Yeah, that's it. Dictator -- and his two brain-dead louts consider "proper behavior"?
I was awoken about midnight for my "punishment". The lunkheads held me while the doctor tore my gown off. They then dragged me to "the tank", completely naked, and threw me in, locking the door behind me. I saw the doctor fiddle with something that looked like a timer, then the room went completely dark.
=== === ===
How long have I been in here? An hour? A Day? A YEAR??? Time just stopped for me. I drifted in and out of consciousness -- at least it was SOMETHING. Strange thoughts ran through my mind. Nightmares. Hallucinations. I wanted -- something. I just couldn't remember what. I saw visions of happier times -- with my mom and dad, my siblings, Lynne and Bethany. There was so much joy. So much ... FREEDOM. That's IT! FREEDOM. I wanted to be out of this goddamn hellhole. I wanted to be free.
=== === ===
My "perfect" world faded again from my view, replaced by the encroaching darkness. Stillness. Silence. I was alone -- so alone.
But then again, you've always been alone, Geoff. You've never REALLY let anyone in to the inner recesses of your psyche -- the deepest cockles of your soul. Have you?
I felt nauseated, my stomach churning bile. Everything was spinning around me. Faster and faster it spun. Then... Nothing. I blinked at the blinding lights. I startled as the lock on the door loosened, the sound like a million cannons to my noise-deprived ears.
Was it, at last, over? Would I once again walk among the living?
"You are free, number 3731. For now... Let's see how long you remain so."
I emerged -- slowly -- from the tank. Weary, but wiser. If I'm going to survive here I'm going to HAVE to play by this bastard's rules. It'll leave a horrid taste in my mouth, but it won't be the first time I had to kiss ass to survive. Just hope I can find some decent flavored lip balm...
=== === ===
The mental health system in the United States (especially in the Deep South) is fraught with problems -- overcrowding, abuse and neglect, apathy, and overworked and underpaid staff. The situation HAS gotten better since the late '80s - early '90s, but still has far to go.
The abuses I describe here ARE real -- I actually suffered through this torture, and it has made me incredibly strong-willed as a result. I may never forget the horrors I endured at the hands of these monsters in the guise of "medical professionals". Sadly, some police officers, doctors, and the like still get away with these atrocities, but usually, it's much more benign -- and insidious, and begins by subtly dehumanizing the individual --ultimately making him/her into a non-entity.
As for the handcuffs, yes, I'm afraid that mental patients are, indeed handcuffed during transport to a facility -- if the police are involved. Policies differ if the facility itself provides transportation -- as most now do -- but the patient is either sedated beforehand, or strapped / bound tightly to a gurney so that hands and feet are completely immobile.
For those of you worried about Geoff, fear not. I assure you, help is coming for Geoff -- in a totally unexpected way. Sometimes, angels are found in the most unlikely of places. -- Haylee V
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