Singles: Diary of Jane

Author’s Notes: This story is inspired by the Breaking Benjamin’s song “Diary of Jane.” I will be rewording some of the lyrics in the story and want to give songwriter, Benjamin Burnley, credit. I also hope that I give his work the respect it deserves.

Wow, I was so concerned about making sure the songwriter got the credit he deserved, I almost forgot the most important people. Thank you everyone who has helped me become the writer I am today. I know I still have a far way to go, but with the foundation you help has given me and the continued help I will receive I am on my way of becoming a better writer.

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Derrick drove over to his best friend’s apartment for he was so sick of not hearing back from George. George wanting to spend time alone was normal, and Derrick respected his best friend’s choice of not being a social butterfly. George not answering or returning Derrick’s phone calls, now that is not normal and why he was on his way to find out what was going on with his friend.

Derrick drove and the only thought on his one track mind was it has been three days. Three days without anyone hearing from George. What can be so important to George that he could not at least send one of his friends a text in those three days? Not giving any communication back was just rude, and George had many negative traits, but rudeness was not one of them.

Derrick pulled up to the apartment complex and drove around the parking lot to locate George’s car. He wanted to make sure that George was home. He saw George’s car there and it was covered in snow. Derrick found that odd, it has not snowed in two days and even if his best friend was not driving, George would clean off his car. George hated when from either sun melting the snow or the pressure from the weight of the snow turned the bottom layer of snow into ice.

Derrick walked through the slush filled parking lot to the entrance and buzzed to have George let him in. No answer, he buzzed again and got the same result. Derrick was now annoyed and did a prolonged buzzed to let his friend know. Still no answer. Derrick then buzzed again and talked into the intercom telling George to just let him in. Still, no answer.

George walked away from the front doors and popped a piece of chewing gum in his mouth. He immediately started to crack the gum and then went off off in his own little world. While physically wandering around the apartment’s entryway and mentally wandering about what was up with his friend he was approached by June Leake, a lady who lived down the hall from George. June asked Derrick what he was doing here for George was not home. Derrick told a lie and said”Oh I know, George asked me to pick up his mail.”

June was more than happy to let Derrick into the apartment complex, hey he was doing his friend a favor. As Derrick’s unknowing accomplice made her way to the elevator, the concerned friend acted like he was getting the mail. Seeing some junk mail sticking out of George’s box made Derrick think that June was right about his friend not being home.

Then Derrick quickly dismissed that notion of George was on a getaway. Derrick knew that would have been truly odd. First, George would've surely told him that he was going somewhere. Then even if his missing friend went somewhere he would had taken his phone. Plus, where would that homebody have went, George’s immediate family all live close. George was not the type to take a spare of a moment vacation.

Derrick got out of the elevator on George's floor and looked both ways down the hall, he did not want June to see him. He was feeling a little tense as he approached George’s door. There was something going on and he just did not know. He loathed not knowing the situation, Derrick needed to know what is going on around him.

The feeling of apprehension made Derrick’s anger at his friend’s lack of communication recede. There might be something seriously wrong and anger has no place in dealing with that kind of situation. Then those thoughts of ill fortune also receded, George was young and nothing bad happened to young people. Derrick had this subconscious belief that him and his friends were invincible.; so to Derrick, it was even more unlikely that something bad has happened to George than he introverted friend being on holiday..

Derrick’s annoyance return to full force by the time he was at his AWOL friend’s door. He knocked and the response was the same as Derrick ringing George's buzzard; silence. The frustrated friend put his right hand on the door handle and it moved. George’s door being unlocked was a telltale sign that his friend was home to Derrick. Derrick said “Come on George, I know you are home. If you do not answer the door I am just coming in.”

Derrick had a gut feeling something was extremely wrong as he crossed the threshold into George’s apartment. The vibes he had was just wrong, the living area was dark and it felt stale. The feeling of walking into a stuck moment made Derrick feel disoriented. He knew he was in the present but could not shake the feeling his surroundings were not.

Looking down the hall Derrick saw George's bedroom door open and a light stabbing out into the darkness. Yet another strange occurrence, George was not the type to leave his bedroom door open or a light on. The anxious investigator knew that he had to go toward to the light, but his intuition told him going into the light would lead to darkness.

Each step Derrick fought the urges and instincts which were telling him to turn around. He just had to know what was going on with George. Even with every fiber of his being screaming at him to turn around, his need to know overrode his impulse to leave.

By the time the dread filled friend was at the bedroom door, his heart was racing and sweat was running down his face. Derrick felt so cold as he went to open up the bedroom door all the way. He knew this was the moment of truth, yet wanted to stay in ignorance. The want of the bliss of not knowing could not hold back his need to know. “Damn my curiosity” Derrick thought.

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On the bedroom floor was a good looking blonde in a red skater dress, with a black leather book next to her open hand. The stunned onlooker knew he had to investigate, even with the knowledge that nothing good would come from his findings. The first course of action was to turn on the room ceiling light; the light which was casted into the hallway was from a desk lamp.

As the impromptu investigator got closer to the lady he figured out she was not a lady but a man. That man was not just any man, but his friend George. He knew the outcome but had to check to see if his friend had a pulse. No pulse, his wrist was cold and clammy. His friend was dead.

Then he looked at the book, he needed to find any clue of what took place. Derrick did not really need to find any clues for he knew the answer, but was going to deny it until he could not anymore. He could not take knowing the fact his friend committed suicide.

Why? This question was not aimed at how his friend was dressed. Yes, he was shocked over the fact that his best friend, the person he thought he knew better than anyone else, was transgender. That was not important. What was important was that Derrick knew that they would never speak again. The guilt stricken man knew that somehow he was not there for his friend in his time of need. Derrick was scared that he might have been part of the cause of this tragedy. his subconscious fantasy of him and his friends being invincible was defeated by reality.

The title of the book, Jane’s Diary, was in beautiful handwritten calligraphy. This was the diary of Jane. Who was Jane? Yet another question which the playing dumb detective asked himself; George was Jane.

Derrick started to read the journal to find out what made his best friend tick. After reading the sadness and loneliness in the first couple of pages, Derrick laid down for he felt sore and sick. He felt horrible that he did not make a connection to the disconnection his best friend had with the world and worse with his own body.

The wounded seeker got his strength back and returned to reading the diary of Jane. Even with his newfound resolve to find the reason, he burn each page from his mind and turn the other way from the pain as he read on. He had to find his place in the diary of Jane.

Derrick found no relief in the pages. His friend had a crush on him, that was not bad. The bad part was Derrick was oblivious to the fact. He saw that his ignorance was worse to Jane than rejection. Derrick knew he would had not reciprocated the feelings, but he would have made his friend comfortable that their bond would still have been tight.

Derrick threw the diary against the wall. He was so furious his friend kept who she was to him. How could Jane not have told her confidant who she was. They shared everything with each other. Knowing he shared with her was what made Derrick furious. He told her about the girls then the ladies he fancied. Derrick felt like a self centered prick when he got the newfound knowledge that he did that to a girl who was forever stuck in his friendzone.

Derrick gathered his faculty and return to the torture of solving the mystery of the diary of Jane. He knew that each page would lead to more heartbreak, but went on to get the answers. The next stab to his soul was when he got to the tear soaked page about Jane being sick of Derrick telling her to man up. She was so upset that her best friend, the man she was infatuated with, looked at her connection to her emotions as a weakness.

New tears stains were made by the heavy hearted reader. Derrick found Jane being in tune with her feelings a strength and somehow he made her feel bad about it. He wanted to put the diary down but knew he had to go on to solve why this tragedy happened.

Derrick read more lowlights. Jane’s body was too big, too hairy and too straight. Her hair was not growing as quick as she wanted. Jane felt so immature not being happy with how she looked, she did not want to be vain..She hated that her friends said she was ruggedly handsome. Knowing that fact made how beautiful she looked yet another fact from today which was out of place . She viewed her problems as petty and that made her feel even worse, that she was not strong enough to put up with these minor inconveniences

Then he was at the end of the diary, Jane had a date. Jane was so excited about meeting a man who she believed accepted her for who she was. She might still had to hide who she was to the world, but now she had someone else to share that secret with in her own personal prison.

The fateful day came and her prince charming was nothing more than a frog. He was not who she thought he was. He was crude, and mean. He did not see Jane as the beautiful flower she was. This son of a bitch saw Jane as not a man or a woman and needed to tell her to prove his manhood. He used putting others down to lift himself up and feel good about everything he was not.

Jane did not put up with the demeaning actions of her suitor. She threw her date out as soon as he started his verbal barrage on her. She thought she was strong enough to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. She was when she had hoped, that time with her date might not have taken away her self dignity but it took her hope away. She felt that she was cursed to be forever alone in life, to be invisible and not seen or noticed by anyone.

Right after taking an overdose of sleeping pills and quickly chasing them with two more glasses of red wine Jane wrote the last entry in her diary I was so desperate for love I would had crawled for anyone. This is for I waited so long for love, but there is no love, no love. I am going to die for not getting the acceptance of anyone.What have I become? This is for this world has no love, it has no love.

Derrick put himself next to Jane’s body and held her for the first time. He hugged George many times but this was the first time he hug his friend knowing who she really was. With all the strength he could muster, Derrick asked Jane the question “Do you like that?”



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