Chapter 2 – Beginning with the end in mind

I had a nice sleep over at Doug’s. When we prepped for bed that night after my grand reveal, Doug had me wear one of my sister’s night time plain over sized t-shirts and a pair of panties from the stash area he had already created in his house. Before we went to sleep, he handed me a Rick Wakeman poster to look at and said I was to put it up in my room after I ask to take guitar lessons at our school’s after school program, which was once a week. He also handed me some CDs with Rick Wakeman’s music so I could start listening to him. He played me a sample, and yes, (pun intended), Rick is a very good musician. I was also to ask my Mom if I could volunteer at the nursing home next to our neighborhood because I heard they encouraged kids to come over and spend time with the elderly patients.”

Doug said, “This will do two things. One, as a Rick Wakeman fan, you can grow your hair long as long as you want and your parents will think you are trying only to be like him and not think girl. Two, you will be able to pilfer a small amount of drugs at the nursing home that will help you stop growing and the effects of testosterone. But, be aware, it will keep you small too.”

Doug stopped for a moment and collected his thoughts.

“That brings to mind something that we need to discuss. Before we do this, I need to make sure you know what I mean by small. You won’t grow taller than five foot six at the most once you start taking the drugs during this next year I plan to put you on. As you continue past this year, your final height may be even shorter than I estimate. I believe you will be at the end, a woman about five foot four or so. Are you okay with this? Because if you do decide to remain a boy, it will be hard to get that height back. Take a moment or two to think it over before you respond.”

Taking my lead from him, I thought about it for few minutes. He waited patiently for me to respond. “Yes, I get what you are saying. To find out if I am a girl, I will become shorter. Frankly, I don’t like sports, so being tall like my dad and brother isn’t my goal, even if I remain a boy. And if I understand you right, the worst case scenario is that I end up being a twin to my late grandfather. And he had a very full life. So, I think it worth the risk to give the real me a chance to come out as the girl I feel I need to be.”

“Good. And thank you for carefully considering what I asked you. I knew that your IQ was high enough to evaluate the risks, and you have. I have more changes for you to make too. You are to express interest in watching ice skating on television. And I want you to particularly watch the men’s programs when your parents are about as well as the women’s programs. In addition, you will express your desire to learn the piano after you express a desire to learn to play the guitar. Explain it to your parents that you want to learn classical music first, just like Rick Wakeman the Moody Blues did when they grew up. Lastly, I want you to start watching programs on Shakespeare or his plays every chance you get on PBS. And be enthusiastic too and demand to see them. It will become important in about two years. And, at some point I want you to join me for French lessons. But right now, we need to lay the ground work for you to become the girl on the outside that you know is on your inside.”

Sleep, restful sleep, came to me for the first time in ages. I awoke with a purpose and a good friend to help me.

I did just as Doug asked. I started playing Yes albums on the stereo at home. Dad was impressed and said that he grew up listening to the Moody Blues and artists like Rick Wakeman, Mike Oldfied, and Wendy Carlos. I put up Wakeman’s poster in my room and asked mom if I could take guitar lessons at school. Both mom and dad were thrilled that I finally showed an interest in music. Doug got me a few Rick Wakeman t-shirts and I started to grow my hair long.

Dad commented that my hair could get a little girlish one day. Taking my hint from what Doug told me, I said, “Ah, dad, I wanna be a musician like Rick or Justin Hayward. You don’t think they are girly, do you?”

My Dad said, “Okay, if you put it that way. Why not! After all, I grew my hair long when I was your age. And as long as you aren’t into heavy metal, it can’t hurt.”

“Cool Dad!” I grinned. “Besides, I like them because they are real musicians. Heavy metal isn’t music. By the way Dad, did you know that Justin Hayward wrote ‘Night’s in White Satin’ when he was twelve? Oh, can we get some classical music too? I want to learn all I can about how to play good music. Especially Mozart. And can we get Pictures at an Exhibition too?”

“Hold on son! I get the picture!” My dad said laughing.

“At an exhibition you mean!” I quipped.

Just like Doug said, my Dad was thrilled and even helped me by going to an old record store with me. My Dad thought it was cool that I appreciated vinyl records.

Following Doug’s instructions, a week later, I came through our door late and said, “Mom, I missed the bus the today. I felt stupid. So, I walked home the three miles. Along the way, I stopped off at the old folks’ home to use their bathroom. I found out that they like kids to come and spend time with the elderly because it helps them. So, can I ask you something?”

“Sure Sam. Sorry about you missing the bus. You should have called. I would have come and picked you up. But what do you want to know?” My Mom looked at me with a sly smile as if she saw something in me that she hadn’t seen before.

“Mom, can I spend a day there each week and visit the residents? I miss grandpa since he died and I want to do something for those nice people to honor him. So, please, oh please can I?” My mom grinned from ear to ear and bent down to hug me. A tear ran down her cheek as she remembered her dad and she said to me, “Sam Miller, you are a kind boy and I love you very much! Of course you can, as long as it doesn’t affect your grades.”

“Thanks Mom!” I said. “You’re the best!” And I hugged her as hard as I could. She went over the next day to make arrangements that allowed me to come and visit in the common areas. I would be able to go into a resident’s room only if the door was open. But, the nursing home was thrilled. And really, I helped so many residents over the next four years, the drugs pilfered were very minor.

The next day, at Doug’s, as Samantha, I related all that I had accomplished. Doug was very happy. “Go and work on your sewing and I will explain what is going to happen next.” Doug started to explain to me, as I practiced with his sewing machine for his girl class, that I was to listen to gossip for the residents in the nursing home that had certain medical conditions. Women who were having problems with their hormones and men who had prostate trouble. He gave me a list of about three medications they were likely to be taking. Look for them, but don’t take their bottles or any of the medication yet. Right now, I want a list of as many patients as you can find with those conditions. I also want a map of the facility with details about security, cameras, exits, etc. Then, show where the patients are located and a list per patient of what they are taking and in what amount.

Once I had the list and the map, he went over with me what pills I was supposed to steal and in what quantity so they wouldn’t be missed or harm the patients. He also gave me a special set of shoes so that I could hide the medications in my shoe after I was done so if they checked my pockets for any reason, they wouldn’t find anything. He told me how to avoid cameras and a bunch of other rules. I was a quick study. He had set up a practice area in his bedroom and I practiced kipping pills and putting back the bottle so fast it wasn’t even ever seen.

I brought the medications to his room and deposited them after every visit. So, should they ever suspect me, they couldn’t find anything at my house. Doug even modified my stash door so it wouldn’t be found unless you knew the secret. The secret was that I had to unlock it first with a magnetic paper weight stone on my desk which undid a secret bolt. It was genius and simplicity.

I began to take acoustical guitar lessons and found I was pretty good at it. Doug had me practice in addition to my girl studies. My parents were very pleased that I had shown interest in an instrument, so they indulged my hair. I even dragged Doug along and played a simple pop piece at a family wedding. My uncle Robert got married and moved to Massachusetts.

When my mom was home instead of substituting, I spent a lot of time at Doug’s home being Samantha. His parents often didn’t get home until six. So, in truth, I was Samantha quite a bit of time with Doug now and he had me taking a range of girl classes that he developed from various sources. Makeup, walking, talking, learning to cook, cursive hand writing, sewing, and studying fashion. He said these were the things I would learn from a mom. But, he warned me, it is only book learning. Doug pointed out that even if it was off, it at least gave me a foundation of what to say around other girls without giving up that I was a ‘boy.’ Every week, Doug had a lot of reading material for me and I sopped it up. I practiced being girly almost every time I was at Doug’s.

I could see the plan was working. I wondered where it would take me next.

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