Secondhand Life - Part 48

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I was not surprised that it was Dennis. “Katherine needs a favor.”

“So what else is new?” I laughed. “Does it involve being auctioned off? Parading half naked in front of an auditorium full of people – and network TV cameras? Recording an album under her name?” I was joking, but Dennis' demeanor became even more shy and uncertain.

“Uh. This is kind of a lot more.”

All the while we were talking on the phone he must have been making his way to me because he burst through the door as he was finishing his last sentence into the phone. I began to sense it on the phone, but the moment I saw his face I knew how uncomfortable he was... being the one charged with requesting the favor.

I tried to make light of it and ease his obvious discomfort.

“If she wants one of my kidneys or lungs, I'm drawing the line.” I smiled.

He relaxed a little, and managed a weak smile. “It's not quite that bad.”

“OK.” I grinned. “At least that's something. So, what does she want?”

“A new proposition. Separate from this whole thing you're doing through Mr Lehmann and the studio. This has nothing to do with Thornbirds. It's a whole different thing.”

He must have read the confusion on my face, because he shoved a thick spiral bound book into my hands.

“What's this?”

“Katherine's request.” he said shyly. Then he rallied a bit. “I guess you could consider it more of a ….proposition.”

I was as baffled as ever, and it must have been plain to see on my face. He reached out and touched the book. Which it turns out, wasn't a book at all. It was a script.

“Katherine went out for this ages ago. They called her back a few times, but in the end went with someone else. Margot Robbie actually. So, everything is falling into place. Sets built, crews hired, shooting schedule booked. Then at the last minute, Robbie backs out. Claims she took a spill mountain bike riding and will need weeks of bed rest and months of physical therapy. There were widespread rumours that she was getting more and more unhappy with every script revision, and when she saw the final shooting script, she panicked and bailed. Lawyers and insurance folks sprang into action and are tangling over the injury and breach of contract, but the bottom line is there's a shooting schedule that can't be easily moved, and lots of money on the line. So they went back to the old audition tapes and.... Katherine gets called.”

“So she was their second choice? Like an understudy?”

“Hardly!” Dennis laughed. “No way she'd be anyone's second choice for Margot Robbie.”

I frowned. I wasn't clear why they were asking Katherine and why she was asking ME. Dennis looked at me and smiled somewhat wickedly.
“Obviously they offered it to others and were turned down. Meanwhile the clock was ticking and they were getting... um....” I could tell he was groping for a diplomatic way to put it.

“Like someone in her 40s who really wants a family, but the sand's streaming through the hourglass and suddenly the clerk at the office supply store doesn't look so bad?” I grinned.

Dennis grinned back. “Not how I would have put it.... but essentially, yeah. And there's very little time before shooting begins, and despite their best efforts at secrecy, the script has become more and more notorious with every attempted re-write.... SO... between their growing desperation, Katherine's one time interest in the project, and her greatly enhanced public profile since Thornbirds....” he sighed “They're dangling an insane amount of money to get Katherine on board. ...and fast.”

I raised an eyebrow. I couldn't be understanding him correctly.

“Are you saying, Katherine actually wants me to do...”

“She'll split it 50/50.”

I just stared at him. Trying to wrap my head around this offer. I think Dennis mistook my shock for reluctance, and continued to pitch.
“It's a ridiculous amount of money, and even her half split is more than she made for Birds.... if it's a stinker – and that's almost guaranteed – it's Katherine's reputation, not yours. And she doesn't care. It's not the first time she's done something simply for the money. You'll both be really well paid. But she needs an answer because they need an answer. Like immediately.”

“Can I at least read the script?” I asked. When Dennis said 'immediately' I got the sense he actually meant it.

Dennis shook his head. “Later. And if you say yes, you'll not only have to read it, but memorize it. So yes, you can read the script. But not now. No time.”

“But how will I....?” I began to plead.

“OK. Nutshell. The movie's called 'Hoosier Daddy'. Originally starred Will Ferrell but he pulled out when Margot Robbie did, so now Will Forte is starring as Charles Latimore IV – 'Chip' - an alum of a school like Notre Dame – that was one of the rewrites... Notre Dame got wind of it and threatened to sue.... anyway... spoiled frat kid at prestigious fictional school that's exactly like Notre Dame.. but not.” Dennis grinned. “Back in the day, he was a total party monster barely making grades to stay in school. Rich parents pay his tuition, but won't put a cent to his ...recreational pursuits. So he finds a ….unique way to make his rather heavy party budget.

Cut to present. Our boy has been taken care of by the old boy network... moving up the ladder to more prestigious positions in his dads or dad's cronies companies. He's not awful or evil or even lazy. He's just an unfocused, unmotivated, rich white guy getting carried along from one prestigious gig to another by the old boy network. Until his dad & friends come up with their next career move. Congress. They need a stooge in Washington and rather than hire lobbyists to sway strangers in congress, they decide it would be much more cost effective to put in their own lackey. He's too dimwitted and oddly naive to have any idea what's going on.

Since he is an amiable dunce, the braintrust surrounds him with the best political machine money can buy. Led by longtime political operative Mary Elisabeth Cavanaugh” Dennis nodded at me. I guess that was the Katherine role. “She's a savvy veteran of many political campaigns and a true believer in her causes. So when she sees this barely there child of privilege she's been hired to get elected, she loathes him from the start. He of course is oblivious. They're like oil and water. Typical rom-com. He's a laid back 'what me worry' type. She's a tightly wrapped control freak obsessed with order and absolutely HATES the unexpected. Over the course of the campaign, she's trying to dig up dirt on her candidate. Which is S.O.P. So if the opposition digs up any dirt, she already knows it and has a plan to deal with it. She's surprised to find no skeletons in his closet. In fact nothing at all in his closet. This guy has skimmed through life making almost no impact anywhere. She's disgusted at his banal pointlessness. Then she finds out how he made money all through college. By being the most proficient sperm donor in state history. He used his elite demographic – rich blueblood jock type attending prestigious school - to go from clinic to clinic, being a well paid donor and supporting his serious party habit.

Cavanaugh digs deep and finds out his ...'stock' is responsible for a staggering number of fertilizations ... she guestimates that he fathered close to 1300 children.... that she knows of. He of course has no idea and when confronted laughs remembering his 'genius idea' of masturbating for money. She is appalled at his amused response and apparent lack of understanding at what he's done. She finally can't take any more and snaps. She schemes to sabotage his campaign by inviting all of his 'illegitimate' children to finally meet their genetic dad at a big family reunion. Only it's actually a 'family values' rally she's staging for his campaign, secretly planning to destroy his candidacy and any future in politics the feckless fratboy may have. Needless to say, it goes hilariously awry, and contorts itself to a typical Hollywood ending.”

I smiled. “Thanks. That was way faster than reading the script.”

Dennis' mouth twisted into a smirk. “Girl, that script is such a mess, you could read it five times and still not know what the movie is about.”

“And Katherine wants to do this?”

“It's a sick lot of money. They're desperate and she knows it. She made them pay.”

“And she wants me to do this?”

“Well, you're still here, and they need it fast, and we can't very well have two Katherines traipsing around. A lot of folks think one is too much! Anyway, the movie's a stinker. There's nothing you can do to hurt it. What do you think?”

I was still hesitant. Still partly in shock over the whole crazy suddenness of it.

“You'll get to meet Will Ferrell..... I mean Forte..... and Brian Doyle Murray who plays his dad.... and lots of other stars... and your cousin will be green with envy.... AND.... it is a sick lot of money.”

“Will this mess up the tour?”

Dennis shook his head. “No. If they get Katherine, they will bend over backwards to accommodate her schedule. It does mean some crazy long days and a ridiculous number of air miles. You won't be getting much sleep.”

“Can I sleep on the plane?”

He nodded, grinning. “OK. You will be getting plenty of sleep. They'll supply a private jet to get you between tour and set. It'll probably be at least 4 round trips, and probably 20-plus hour days once you're on set.”

I looked Dennis in the eye. “Honestly. Do you think I can do this?”

He didn't hesitate. “In your sleep.”

“Was that a joke?”

He shot me a look, then his mouth twisted into a smile. “Not on purpose. Maybe more of a prophecy?”

“OK. Tell Katherine I'm in.”

Dennis smiled. “She already said yes. It's a crazy amount of money, so no was never an option.”

“So you tricked me into agreeing, but I never really had a choice?”

“I GOT you to agree, so you'd be doing it willingly. But yeah, no was never really an option. Worst case, Katherine would do it and YOU would be the one stuck in seclusion.” he grinned. “You'd die of boredom!”

I thought about it and couldn't be mad at him. Dennis had talked me into agreeing to do it of my own free will. And we all knew that Katherine was the irresistible force. What she wanted, one way or another, she would get.

“When do we...”

“Already packed!” he cackled as he scurried out of the room. “Plane's waiting” he called over his shoulder. “Take that script. You can read it on the plane.”

“You're going with me?” I asked as we rode to the airfield.

Dennis nodded. “At least this time. Katherine stipulated full travel & accommodations for herself and her P.A.” he did a little nod. “Anyway, Katherine knew you'd need all the help you can get to get up to speed.” he smiled. “I figured we could run lines on the flight to Toronto.”

“We're flying to Toronto?”

Dennis nodded. “For now. They're trying to move the bulk of the shooting schedule to Vancouver, but they were already locked into Toronto before everything went to......” He stopped short and shot me a contrite grin “....before all the changes... recasting the two leads and all....”

I nodded. “Well, I guess flying all the way to Toronto gives me more time to study.” I tried to flash an optimistic grin.

“That's the spirit.” Dennis smiled back supportively. “I think the scenes we're shooting are the initial meeting, the confrontation, and Mary Elizabeth working the phones discovering Chip's ….college job....” He whipped out an iPad and started scrollling. “Let's start on page 110 Scene 84 Larry and Chip enter Mary Elizabeth on phone”

And so began my crash course on 'running lines'.

Dennis was right. The script was nearly incoherent. I thought I was messing up my lines, but he admitted it wasn't me. What was on the page made no sense. I nodded and read it again, wondering how open the director and my costars might be to trying something different on the set.
I didn't ask how open they would be to changing things. Dennis and I thrashed through the pages on the way over and I got a couple hours sleep before we touched down and headed right to the shoot.

We had a very speedy meet and greet with Will Forte and Neil Jenek the director. We chatted briefly and it turned out none of us was the first choice for this gig. I laughed and said something to the effect that it takes off all the pressure, since none of us was who the money wanted.... so the worst we could possibly do was live up to their expectations. Will and I set off for wardrobe and makeup trailers while Neil went off to set up the first shot of our long shooting day. I got the feeling they were thinking about my quip and might be beginning to feel a little less pressure and a bit more ….possibility.

Our first scene was 'the big meeting'. I read it as written as did everyone else. After calling 'cut' Neil the director looked at us uncertainly and said. “Fine. ...next scene?”

I looked at him. “Are they taking film stock costs out of your pay?”

THAT threw him. “What? Huh? Um... it's digital, so there's no....”

“You don't even want to see a second take?” I shot him a look. “You got what you WANT? Or did you just get what you expected?”

He shook his head. “I.... um.... What? You want to go again?”

I shot a glance at my costars who looked at me and shrugged. Clearly they weren't happy with the scene, but I suspected they didn't see how it could go any better.

“I for one would like to try it again, if you don't mind.” I said meekly to the director while shrugging apologetically to my costars.

Neil sighed and said “Sure, why not?”

So we shot scene 85 take 2.

Only this time I kind of ignored the script.

Larry burst through the door, Will trailing behind him looking vacant and distracted, “And this is Mary Elizabeth Cavanaugh your....”
I was on the phone ad-libbing some sort of quiet conversation and throwing in as many political buzzwords as I could think of. I didn't even turn to look at them, I just held up a firm finger and made a loud “Ssssh!”

That stopped them cold. But they were both improv comedy veterans, so.... they improvised.

Larry harrumphed and said. “Miss Cavanaugh is a.....”

I spun and shot him the same Cyclops X-Men stare that stifled the giggles at the Ciregna champagne ceremony. He stiffened and sort of recoiled. I mouthed “ON ...THE... PHONE!” and continued the cheery conversation.

I heard Will Forte's snort, although I had my back to them both as I continued my fictitious phone conversation. I don't know whether that was actually Will smirking or his character, but it was effectively his character now.

He stepped forward and began to put out his hand to shake, I spun in my chair, still talking into the phone, and glared at him like an angry nun at a parochial school. A look and attitude I was well familiar with. I shot out my arm and pointed at the ground.

He stopped as if his feet had suddenly been stapled to the floor. Nearly falling forward from his previous momentum. He looked startled and bewildered as if I had some sort of telekinetic power that took him by surprise. My colleagues were brilliant improvisers and already the scene was infinitely better than our first by-the-book take. And we were only about 10 seconds in.

We milked the guys-trying-to-interrupt-me bit for about a minute more. I knew we were through when Will raised his finger and opened his mouth to say something and I irritably threw a stress ball I'd been getting more and more aggressive with at his face. I thought it would be a funny in-character move. I wasn't sure whether he'd duck it like a dodge ball or let it bean him for a laugh. It was just a tennis ball sized piece of foam after all.

He did neither. As it turned out, just as he was raising a finger and opening his mouth to speak, my toss flew straight at his mouth. He let it. And when it hit its mark, he held it in his teeth for just a moment as he shot me a stunned look - in character. He then spat it out at Larry with a look of disbelief.

We were totally off-script now and I knew we all were thinking 'this is working SO much better'. I kept ramping up my imaginary phone conversation to throw in ever more alarming buzzwords, leaving quasi-political speak behind and throwing in terms more often heard in scandal rags. It sounded like I was calmly collaborating to cover up outrageously sketchy acts by my political clients. Will and Louis – the guy who was playing Larry the campaign manager both caught what I was saying into the phone. Will shot Louis a curious yet concerned look and Louis just gave him a 'nah. No big deal' look and subtle hand wave. Louis cleared his throat. I sighed loudly and said into the phone. “NO. Trappers and the cold weather apparel trade have always been a bedrock industry in the congressman's district. He thought it was a convention of FURRIERS and by they time he realized the dreadful misunderstanding, the police had arrived. As always the press has an agenda and the real public scandal is the crucifixion of a dedicated civil servant by the corrupt media elites eager to steamroll over any decent citizen who stands in the way of their corrupt agenda. I have to go... someone just stormed into my office.” I chirped as I gave an exasperated eye roll in the direction of Will & Louis.

“CUT!” Neil shouted. A large grin on his face.

“Thanks for indulging me and going again.” I smiled politely.

His eyes just sparkled. “Are we good?” he shot a glance to Will, Louis and me.

I shrugged and they just smiled.

“We have a lot to do and not a lot of time to get it done....” I deadpanned to Neil, who smiled, nodded and setup the next scene.

It WAS a really long day. At one point I asked Neil if going so long was a financial problem with overtime and all. He shook it off.

“They are so far behind the eight ball already, it's all about not defaulting on the contract. Money's incidental at this point. They have a hard release date, and the checks have already been cashed. Whatever it takes. Whatever the finished product is.... this movie is getting made.”

He shot me a long look. “When they brought me in I thought 'they are really screwed... no way I can replace Adam MacKay.' And then I heard we lost our two leads.....” He muttered and suddenly realized what he'd said. He shot me an apologetic look. “Sorry..... it's just...”

I smiled. “I get it. I went for it. They didn't want me. They went with somebody else. A VERY different direction..... So I shook it off. It's not personal. It's just business.” I shrugged. Neil shot me a 'me too' look. I think he was sort of surprised that we were kind of bonding.

“So when they were ready to shoot, and suddenly found themselves without their two leads or their 'brilliant' first choice director..... I knew they were desperate.... and we talked.... not personal.... just business....” I shot him a pencil thin smile. “And I made them make it worth my while to come in and try to salvage this project of theirs. I assume you did too.” He just shrugged. “So while it seems like none of us were their first choice and we should be happy that they finally deigned to talk to us.....” I looked him in the eye... SO not a Katherine move, but crucial for this conversation.... “They need US a hell of a lot more than we need them.”

Neil's eyes went wide as he suddenly grasped what I was saying.

“So, if we decide to use the shooting script as mere …..improv fodder..... what are they gonna do?” I crooked an eyebrow.

“Why have we never worked together before Ms Keller?” Neil grinned broadly.

I shrugged. “Because none of us was anyone's first choice?”

He nodded and smiled wickedly. “As you mentioned.... no expectations... no pressure....”

“So the only surprises can be pleasant?” I smiled.

“Let's go find out.” He grinned.

It was a brutally long day, but I felt we got a lot done. I also think we all got on the same page. Maybe that's not the phrase to use, since nothing we did had any relationship to anything on the page. We used the shooting script as a bullet point outline of the narrative structure, but nearly all the actual scenes were pulled whole from our interaction in front of the camera. We knew our characters and where they needed to be at the end of the scene, but we invariably took an alternative – and much more scenic route to get there.

The cast and crew was really bonding into a little family. We quickly caught each others quirks and tells and soon picked up the ability to take a scene in directions we personally had never imagined, but which we divined from our colleagues in the scene.

When we wrapped this segment of our brutal shooting schedule, it was just after 4AM. I decided not to even try to sleep and head right for the airport to get the plane to catch up with the 'Birds tour. I figured I'd sleep on the plane. It was a long enough flight, I should be well rested by the time I started my 'day job'.

As I was gathering my things into the over the shoulder carryon, and leaving Dennis a voicemail about meeting for the flight back, Will and Larry came sheepishly to my little trailer.

“Hi guys” I greeted them cheerfully, but I'm sure they saw the curiosity on my face. “What's up?”

Larry hunched his shoulders and shuffled self consciously. It was Will who finally spoke up.

“I think we all came into this thinking '….it is a gig....' and we've probably all done worse...”

I crooked him an eyebrow. “Have you been checking up on me at Rotten Tomatoes?”

He blushed deep crimson and coughed a laugh. “No. No. I mean, we've ALL.... I mean, look... we were all someones second choice....”

Second choice?” I cocked my head.

He blushed even deeper. I didn't want to torture the guy, so I deliberately broke the Katherine facade and gave him pure Elsie.

“You mean we were the only ones who returned their calls” I smiled gently. They both grinned at that.

“Well, all I meant was we went into this as something to ….just get through.... to get a check that would hopefully clear when the whole ordeal was done.” Will said sheepishly.

“But what we did today....” Louis started to say before Will cut him off

“That was NOT what we expected we'd be doing”

“That was SO much better!” Louis beamed.

“SO much better” Will agreed with a nod and a smile.

“You've upped our game Ms Keller. We already talked with Neil, and while they're relocating to Vancouver...” Louis grinned.

“...Because some DIVA needs to shave off a few hours of air travel” Will grinned

“We're going to reshoot the stuff we've already done. The scenes before you came.... to be a better fit.... with what we got today.” Larry smiled.

“Seems we're heading in a new direction...” Will grinned.

“No.” Louis put up a finger. “There WAS no direction before today. But now we've found a direction.”

“...and a feel and a rhythm to the story that just wasn't there...”

“...just wasn't here...” Louis said slapping his dog-eared shooting script against my dressing table.

Will nodded. “We've found our voice. We've found our way. Instead of something to get through, this is going to become a lot of fun.” he grinned broadly. “I can't wait to show you what we do.... with the other scenes you're not in.... until you come back in....?”

“10 days last I heard.” I smiled wearily.

“It will be a completely different movie by then.” Louis beamed.

“Great. Guys, it's been a real pleasure.” I said as I glanced at my watch and made for the door. “Just try and leave me a scene or two to steal when I get back?” I winked.

“As if THAT will be a problem!” Louis laughed. Will nodded, grinning.

I shot them a finger wave over my shoulder as I fought to hide my exhaustion and breezed my way to my waiting towncar.

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Comments

wheeeeee!!!!!!!!!

Dawnfyre's picture

Elsie gets to stay in (b)hollywoodland!!!!!!!!!!!

and she is gonna bend them all over and have her costars shaft them. ;)


Stupidity is a capital offense. A summary not indictable.

Its really sad.

jennifer breanna's picture

Someday Hollywood may get the original Kathrine back. Wouldn't that shock and disappoint them?
Great chapter, very enjoyable. Happy Holidays.

Jenni

Nah. Hauteshot doesn't need

Nah. Hauteshot doesn't need to take on anything she decides she doesn't want. It's more likely that Katherine ends up in the background as spider in the web. She's obviously not really good with group contacts.


I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

Spidey

Sure, but then LC does not get the credit she deserves.

She really needs to get her own rep somehow.

Frankly Katherine getting 50% is a bit much but she got the contact I guess, but that is useless without the talent to back it up. Seriously, she should only get 40% tops.

SOOOOO Good

Need I say more
Hugs
Francesca

- Formerly Turnabout Girl

Yaaaay!!!

Keller Express coming in, track two!!! hehehe that was amazing, I am sooo glad to have front row seats to this train wreck as she smashes her way through the droll monotony of contracts lawyers and overpaid movie execs =]

Loving it!!

Sara

inspired

Pure LC/Katherine. Such a great twist to the story. Keep it all coming but be careful you dont burn our girl out. She needs her own life at some point.

Will

Hmmmm

So, awkward question: If LC manages to perform well enough to snag a certain shiny gold male statue, how would she collect?

edit: Final thought. It's interesting how Katherine is digging a deeper and deeper hole for herself every time she gets her proxy to do another thing for her.

Thoroughly enjoying it

This crazy ride just keeps getting better.

Christmas Gift

Thank you for this new episode so close to the Christmas holidays.

There are some times when an

There are some times when an improved movie can be better than what was supposed to be the original intent. One of the funniest I have ever seen was a Japanese detective movie that made in original Japanese, had English sub-titles, and then also had English dubbed in; and the sub-titles were NOTHING like the actual English being spoken and that English had NOTHING to do with what was actually being shown in the film.
You had to see it to believe it, but it DID work for some very strange reason.
I keep getting the feeling that Katherine is slowly trying to work her way out of film, stage, or any other entertainment work. Wonder if this is her way of doing so, by getting Elsie to fill in?

I will say that I'm not

I will say that I'm not totally happy with the low opinion of Furries, but I'll accept it for the sake of the storyline.


I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

Sorry. No offense intended.

I was just going for a joke on political hypocrisy and the wordplay seemed funny.

I never intended any judgement or opinion (except about two-faced politicians).

Apologies.

K@

That's why I said I'd accept

That's why I said I'd accept it for the sake of the storyline (the implied pun). It's just that it seems like there's this automatic "They wear costumes and like anthropomorphic animals! They must be perverts!" thing that goes on with a lot of people. What I do is ask two questions. "Do you like Bugs Bunny?" if yes, I say "You're a furry." The second is "Do you like to watch the mascot at a school sports game?" if they say yes, I say it again. "You're a furry." Not all furries are furverts :)

People hate having their hypocrisy pointed out like that :)


I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.

On-set improv?

TheCropredyKid's picture

One of the GREAT scenes involved the star going off the rails and improvising.

Director Raoul Walsh and James Cagney were having problems with the mess-hall scene in "White Heat" - the one where Cody Jarret (Cagney) is informed that his mother has died. (If you're not familiar with the film, suffice to say that there are some Freudian issues in there.) And it just wasn't working.

The mess-hall set was large, and there were maybe a hundred extras at long tables. I don't remember exactly how it happens, but Cody gets the word his mother has died. And it wasn't working.

Finally, Cagney said to Walsh "I got an idea. Let's try it. Sit me on the bench between a couple of strong extras, roll camera and don't stop shooting for anything."

And ... well, here it is. Nobody knew what to expect.

And so one of the truly bravura moments in film happened because they couldn't figure out how to make it work in conventional terms.

 
 
 
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