It Wasn't a Mistake by Tiffany B. Quinn How bad can things get? In his darkest hour, Jerry finds out that his life has been one big character test... And he passed! This chapter fills in a lot of background regarding the reason for the darkness in Jerry's life.

Chapter Two: Life’s Burdens

Three months ago, my life was great—well as great as it ever gets. I was anticipating retirement in another year at the tender age of fifty nine with a great pension from a job that I used to like but which had become a burden as I have taken on more administrative responsibility. In addition to the pension, my wife and I were out of debt and had a glorious nest egg built up that could keep us for several lifetimes with careful management. Three of our four children were well launched into productive careers and the other had chosen the life style of a vagabond hippie—living out of her car somewhere in America doing God knows what. We don’t hear from her often. My wife, Aileen, of thirty seven years was in good health and already making plans to keep me busy in retirement. Our relationship was good—we were best friends.

That was three months ago. Now everything is different—life is hell. I have learned that change can happen blazingly fast.

The slide into hell began when Aileen was suddenly killed when a drunk driver decided to ignore the speed limit and a stop light. She died instantly when struck directly in the driver’s side door. The accident happened around 12:30 AM when she was on her way home from helping to tend our granddaughter while the little girl’s parents went out for the evening. The only survivor of the accident, a passenger in the other car, claimed it was my wife who ran the stop light and has filed suit for damages. Aileen was the most careful driver I know. My son testified that she was alert and happy when she left their home and that she was wide awake and stone cold sober —neither of us drink alcohol at all. I don’t put much stock in the claim against us as the other driver had a blood alcohol level that was three times the legal limit. So far no other witnesses have stepped forward to testify as to what really happened. While we filed a counter suit of wrongful death, my lawyer is recommending settling the suit by paying off the idiot’s surviving family with the lion’s share of our life’s savings.

About a week after my wife died and before I returned to work at the State agency which employs me, one of my female coworkers filed a sexual harassment charge against me claiming that I had groped her after everyone else had left for the evening when she stayed late to help me finish a project. She said that this happened just days before my wife was killed. She also claimed harassing emails and had a bunch of fabricated emails planted on my computer along with some pornographic images. Needless to say, there were no witnesses, again, and things are looking dismal for me. I’m not sure why this woman did this as we’ve always had a cordial relationship. The way things are going, I may lose that wonderful pension, not to mention having to pay damages. There’s even been mention of possible jail time. I may have to sell our family home to cover the expenses. The house that Aileen and I had built with our own hands and in which we had raised our family. It is a house full of sweet memories.

Because of the “sex” scandal, my membership in my church is being threatened. This after years of flawless devoted service and leadership in the lay church. You’d think that they’d give me the benefit of the doubt given my years of service. Even my longtime friends are keeping their distance from me. I have become a pariah. My own children are suspicious of me, as if I’ve grown a second head or something. The females in the family are particularly distant. They are keeping the grandchildren away from me as well.

About a month ago I started to have anxiety and blood pressure issues—go figure. The doctors also found that I have a rare heart condition, Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, which is probably not fatal unless I find myself in a high stress situation. That could be a problem given the circumstances.

Things are looking bleak. I’m not sure how to get out of it. Frankly the idea of never returning from my solo wilderness trip has its appeal. There are lots of cases of people wandering off into the wilderness only to die a lonely accidental death.

These new burdens are just adding to one that I have coped with my whole life. Since I can first remember, I’ve known that something was not as it should be in my life. I should have been born a girl. I don’t know why I feel this way, but the feeling is always strong and gets stronger at certain times. Unfortunately, being a physical female is not the hand that I was dealt at birth. I have made the most of what I was given, but have kept this little secret to myself. I have, instead, done everything—well, almost everything—that I can to live my life as God would like me to—that includes caring for other people, serving faithfully those who God has put in my path, and being as Christ-like as possible.

I have gone through periods where the desire to be female has been overwhelming. This has resulted in private periods of cross dressing using my wife’s clothes when the family is away. Unfortunately, I never did look good in female attire. The clothes felt right. I enjoyed those episodes as long as I avoided mirrors. When I was wearing female clothing, I felt like I was dressed as I should have been and it brought a sense of peace to me. Occasionally, I’d also delve into pornography (at home only—never at work!) so that I could daydream about what it’d be like to be one of the girls—I’d admire the bodies of the nude models, sometimes imagining that I could select the one I could be morphed into. Every time, however, the guilt of sneaking around in my wife’s clothing and delving too deeply into pornography would get to me and I’d do a purge—successfully ignoring the urges for another six to ten years .

Don’t get me wrong, I was attracted to my wife. I really enjoyed our family life and being with her. Even now after the many changes in my life I miss her terribly. I just wish that we could have traded bodies. Consequently, I was probably never as happy as I could have been.

I have always had a close relationship with God. He has been there for me and others many times. I’m convinced—mostly—that my situation is not a mistake. I would just like to know why he has placed this burden on me. I’ve prayed often for him to either make it right or take away the longing. My preference is to make it right.

Now, I’ve been saddled with the additional burdens of losing someone I love, financial and professional ruin, and the loss of my closest relationships. I’m not sure which of the burdens is the heaviest—they all seem to be individually overwhelming. Combining them together is bringing me to my knees.

My lawyer was not happy when I had announced my ‘vacation’ just two weeks before I have a hearing date over the sexual harassment charges. Apparently, if events transpire as she thinks they will, I’ll be out of a job when this is over. She tried to convince me that my only hope was to stick around and look for new evidence which would clear me of the charges or at least cast significant doubt. She figured that my vacation would be better taken after the event—after all I might have lots of time then.

I couldn’t delay the trip, however. For one, I am tired of facing the mounting problems and I needed an escape. This however, is not my main reason for disappearing into the wilderness for a couple of weeks. The real reason is hard to describe in a secular world.

I am a religious man, which can be quite a burden in itself in these times. I have a strong belief in the existence of God and in personal communication with Him. I’ve had a lifetime of experience with receiving gentle spiritual promptings which have guided my life and led me to reach out to other people in need, finding a sense of peace in my life that is otherwise unexplainable. I’ve also had some rather strong revelatory experiences over the years which have led me in unanticipated directions—often in directions that are contrary to my personal desires and contrary to common sense—which have brought me great peace and/or success as I have followed them.

One of those strong revelatory experiences happened to me two weeks ago. I had just arrived home from another frustrating day trying to find ways to fight the false accusations against myself and my departed wife. I had spent nearly the entire afternoon with my lawyer and an investigator going over the evidence in both the traffic accident and in the sexual harassment case. We also reviewed the possible responses—for probably the hundredth time. The investigator has been trying to dig into the harassment charge against me. He is convinced that the woman who filed the charge is being manipulated by someone who is out to do me harm. The problem is I haven’t a clue as to who would want to do me harm. I’ve had long term issues with a couple of professional colleagues over the years—both of them are incompetent fools in many ways. Both of whom, on principle, I had been a lone voice opposing their promotions many years previously. At the time I was out maneuvered and made to look a fool. Both of them have long since publicly proved my objections true and have been separated from the organization as a result of their own incompetence, vindicating me in the end. Neither of them appears to be connected to my accuser.

Anyway, when I arrived home that evening I put together a simple dinner and sat out on my back deck mourning the loss of my wife and generally feeling low over my general predicament. As I sat there miserably contemplating my situation, an almost audible thought came into my heart and my mind saying: “Get thee into the wilderness.” In my mind’s eye, I immediately saw myself paddling through ice fragments near one of the tidewater glaciers commonly found in our area of the world—one that I didn’t recognize. The words seemed to vibrate through my entire soul and I felt compelled to jump up and start making preparations immediately.

The prompting was disturbing. What was wanted of me? I have to admit that I’d been something of slacker in my religious commitments lately. It’s hard to stay committed when your world is collapsing around you and when you feel abandoned to carry several heavy burdens alone. I have not been able to live up to Job’s example as fully as I should. I have felt a growing distance between me and God since all the troubles began—as if He has forsaken me along with everyone else. Still, I have remained basically faithful. This abandonment has been unsettling to me. Since the evening of the prompting, I have scrutinized the revelation many times; however I could detect neither comfort nor condemnation in the summons. At least I now know that God knows that I’m here. The heavens have been silent since then, even when I have petitioned with my whole heart and soul.

Anyway, how do you tell everyone that you’re going camping alone in the wilderness—away from all communication except for by a satellite phone, which I don’t have—for an indeterminate amount of time on the eve of what is likely to be total personal disaster. My legal counsel expressed extreme frustration with my announcement. The office seemed relieved to see me go. My kids wouldn’t answer my messages. Everyone who would talk with me said that it was crazy to go out alone. Regardless I felt a strong compulsion which I had to act upon.

Yesterday, with a sense of déjà vu, I found myself paddling through fractured ice—as I had done many times in the past week—and suddenly recognizing the place as the one which I had seen in my mind after my prompting. My heart had been momentary lifted as I expected answers as to the reason for my summons. It would have been a relief to have been chewed out for being a slacker—if nothing else—as I’d at least know where I stand. But, alas, the heavens remain sealed.

I had hung around watching the glacier calve all afternoon, waiting for further direction. The direction never came. I felt like a fool drifting around waiting for something that never came. Summer was starting to wane meaning that it actually got dark at night now, so in the late evening I had finally left the glacier to find a suitable resting place. I paddled three miles down the fjord before I found last night’s scrap of beach. I spent the evening thinking about the experience. I concluded that I’d done what was asked of me and that it was time to head back home. I’d gone where I was told to go and was stood up. What game is God playing? I asked but got no reply—until now.

To Be Continued...