'Nobodys perfect' - Silly September Entry

PREPARE TO BE BOARDED.png

“Well.. we're not exactly scary are we?”

“What the hell are you TALKING about Reg? Of course were scary, we're pirates!”

“..we're floating about in a merchant ship full of rats and expired cabbage..”

“We have a Black Flag and a Canon! We're scary damn it!”

“While I'd like to formally state right now that this is in no way shape or form something I would personally call a ‘pirate ship’.. Barry.. I’m not going to argue with you about it anymore, you’re getting too worked up about it all.”
They both paused and ‘Barry’ glared at ‘Reg’ angrily, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“What I will argue with you about is the crew..”

“Nothin’ wrong with our crew!”
Barry stamped his foot down in frustration.
“Brave, stout men ready to lay down their lives and swords for plunder and pillaging!”
He stamped again.
“We're a fearsome band of pirates!”
Another stamp.
“We're the scourge of the seven seas! We're.. We're..”

“We're wearing dresses Barry..”
To make his point clearer a bright pink umbrella that had seen better days, but happened to work SO well with Reg’s outfit earlier to the point that he just couldn’t resist bringing it along, came down to strike Barry on the head casually.

“IT'S NOT MY FAULT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN AND THE LAST THREE SHIPS WE'VE FOUND WE'RE PRACTICALLY EMPTY OF ANYTHING USEFUL!”
Reg opened his mouth to raise a point but Barry wasn't finished.
“IT'S NOT MY FAULT EITHER THAT THE ONLY CLOTHES ON THOSE SHIPS WERE WOMENS CLOTHES!.. OR THAT A FREAK STORM BLEW OUR USUAL STUFF OVERBOARD LAST WEEK EITHER!”
Barry huffed to himself hysterically.
“ALSO! DON'T HIT YOUR CAPTAIN, MUTINY! MEN SEIZE HIM!”

An awkwardly long pause drifted between them while nothing of interest happened.

“You didn't really think that would work, did you Barry?”

“Quiet traitor! My brave crew will-”

“I AM your Crew, Barry..”

“What? No you’re not!”

“Yes.. I am.. the others ditched us on the last ship we came across with a working rudder remember?”

“..well.. what about Colin?”

“What ABOUT Colin, poor blokes great at cleaning barnacles off the bow but aside from that he's..”
Reg hesitated slightly.
“Well he's a zombie Barry, what did you expect?”
His hands shifted into angry fists and he was tempted to stamp his own foot to get his point across better.
“The guy signed his employment contract with the word 'brains'.. I'd be worried for my safety if he hadn't taken such an unhealthy liking to rotten cabbage after Tom dared him to drink that spare tin of sealing wax last month..”
He sighed and let his fists ease open into splayed palms of defeat.
“Poor guy, think he's a bit gone in the head now honestly.. well.. more than usual at least..”

“Nonsense, COLIN!”

“No don't call him out here! the sun's still up, he'll start to stink up the place again from rot!”

Colin appeared from below deck, his movements were surprisingly elegant in the floor-length formal gown and high heels he was sporting, especially for a zombie.

They all stood staring at each other for a moment, colin took the chance to adjust his garter strap with about as much discretion as a zombie can manage.

“We're scary, ain't we Col?”

The zombie stared at Barry for almost a full minute with a blank look that was, admittedly, his standard default expression these days.
Without another word he turned on his spiked heel and made his way back below deck.

Reg smirked at the now red faced Barry, not really feeling that even he could add more to Colin’s very compelling response.

“PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!”

“What?!”

From seemingly out of nowhere a Galleon appeared on their portside that practically dwarfed their little two man and one now genderless zombie (the rats don't like cabbage apparently, not that Colin seemed to mind in the end) stolen sailing ship.

Several men back-flipped off of the tall Galleon’s upper decks, landing smoothly in front of the dress wearing pirates with ease.

The men were wearing full body black suits with swords strapped to their backs.
They landed with such grace that Reg was tempted to hold up a score board with ten written on it.

“Hand over all your loot or prepare to be plundered!”

Barry sputtered in surprise and Reg grimaced.

“..that's kind of rude Bridget..”
The soft voice from the second previously presumed male ninja made everyone pause.

“Damn it Reggie! We agreed you would honor my place as Oyabun of our great clan!”

“..there's three of us Bridget.. hardly a clan and since the accident Colette’s been a bit.. uh..”

“Not in front of the prisoners!!”
The self-titled ‘Oyabun’ pulled her sword and aimed it at Barry’s chin.
“Fine women like these don't want to hear about such things! Now, you.. Honorless Gaijin woman with the rather interesting beard, lead me to your treasures below deck!”

“..better do what she says Barry?..”

The ninja 'Oyabun' took the pirate 'Captain' by his ruffled sleeve and marched them both below deck leaving their ‘crew’ behind to watch them leave with twin heavy sighs of relief.

“Hi.. I'm reg.”

“I'm Reggie.. apparently”

“Sooo.. you’re not really a ninja are you?”

“No, ‘Bridget’ just wanted to be one with you lot when we saw you playing pirate through the window”

“Want to get out of here?”

“Oh GOD yes!”

They both turned to face the 'below deck' area and called out their farewells before taking each other’s hand and walking over to the 'emergency life boat' to make their escape while they still could.

‘Colin’ came up to wave them goodbye with one of his least rotten cabbages which caught the attention of ‘Colette’ on the other ship.
With all the grace of a zombie ninja she swung across to the smaller ship and promptly slipped off the rope into the treacherous sea below.

Colin mouthed a sad sound to himself and quickly followed after her, his heels clicking loudly across the wooden deck before he managed to belly flop overboard to save her.

‘Reg’ and ‘Reggie’ sighed loudly at their friends stupidity again, then smiled at each other when they realised what had happened.

“I like your dress..”

“Thanks, it's my sisters old one from Junior prom.. I like your ninja suit.”

“My brother had it just laying around, he never uses it and ‘Bridget’ had one spare from last year’s Halloween too, even if they don’t match very well..”

“Cool, it looks good on you, very dashing.”

“We'll you know I think th-”

“Halt foul interlopers!”

“Huh?..”

“I, the Great Sir Reginald, bring great tidings!”
A knight in rather flimsy looking ‘armor’ waved his sword around while his somehow dress wearing horse swung it’s head around violently with a happy grin on its face.
“Both of you fair maidens will accompany me and my horse ‘Colinsworth’ to see my Lord, King Barryamicus!”

The pair shared a look.

The 'horse' let out a quiet 'brains?' but aside from a mild wince from ‘Sir Reginald’ no-one reacted to the sound out of embarrassment more than anything.
With a sigh they both brushed past the confused Knight and waved him good bye.

“We’re not playing anymore today Charlie, the others are over in the clearing still if you like though?”

..What?.. Ah.. yes.. quite right!”
The brave ‘knight’ put his hands on the solid handles of his noble steed and pushed off.
“On Nobel steed, to the sea-born villains hideout!”

“Brains?”

“..that's not what a horse says Darren..”

The pirate and ninja pair had almost made it back to the safety of the real world within their home known as the ‘Coal-de-Sack’ when the dreaded ‘mom beast’ struck out of nowhere!

“Norman?.. what the hell are you doing in your brothers judo outfit? It's covered in mud!”
She glanced from the now worried little ‘ninja’ over to his pirate friend.
“Is that.. oh my god! Chris what on earth are you doing outside in a dress?!”
Her hand came up involuntarily to try and move her offspring back into the house before anyone saw him.
“I TOLD YOU that you could only wear them INSIDE for playtime!”

“But mom, everyone else was doing it an-”

At that moment the dreaded mom beast spotted the rest of the brave adventurers and the ninja/pirate pair were left forgotten in her wrathful path of destruction.

“JOHNATHAN! Why are you and Sally rolling around in a puddle full of leaves wearing your mothers best dresses?!”

With perfect timing Tammy and George, ‘Oyabun’ and ‘Captain’ respectively, burst out from 'below deck' screaming like crazy.
Following close behind them was a wave of little baby spiders from the nest they unintentionally opened while arguing whether ‘rats’ count as treasure or not.

The clearing descended into chaos quickly.

In the confusion the little ninja took a hold of his dress wearing pirates hand and dragged him off to the safety of his family’s front porch on the other side of the ‘Coal-de-Sack’..
Uh.. I mean..

'Emergency Escape-pod'.. because he was not just a normal ninja, but a cyber-ninja from the future!..
..yeah, that!..

The little ninja pulled his pirate close and kissed his cheek making the dress wearing pirate blush brightly.

“Don't do that, my mom will see..”

“She's busy.. besides, you'll have to tell her about the whole 'you’re a girl inside thing' at some point.. Darren told his mom and she didn't freak out about it..”

“Darren’s special..”

“You’re special too? I think so at least.”

“No I mean he's special, he's got the wheelchair and.. you know what?.. never mind..”

A long pause fell between them as they watched the still rolling chaos of the mom beast and the wave of carnivorous spiders wash around the clearing, across the street from them..
..uh.. I mean..

The rolling waves of the treacherous sea where their high-powered cyber-ninja lifeboat was taking them further away from danger by the second as they sailed off into the sunset?..
Yeah!.. Just like that old film mom lik-

“Will you still like me if I stay a boy still?”

The little ninja turned to his brave, scary dress wearing pirate and kissed him on the cheek again getting a nice blush for his troubles.
Just because he could.

“Of course I will dummy”

His enhanced cyber-ninja arm came up to gently squeeze his pirate friend.
They settled into a happy little hug for a moment before the ninja remembered the last line of the film he was thinking of before, the one with other men in dresses and big boats, which made him smile a little proudly.

“Besides ..well, nobody's perfect.. right?”

The brave dress wearing pirate had no clue what that meant but couldn’t help but giggle at the first proud and then slightly confused look that came to the ninja’s face after saying it.

“..you’re perfect to me Norm..”

“Of course I am, I’m a cyber-ninja with an awesome pirate girlfriend!”

“EWW! Who said I was your GIRLFRIEND dummy?! That’s GROSS!”

With a valiant heave the dress wearing pirate threw off the arm of his cyber-ninja captor leaving him to fall over in surprise as he made his escape, sprinting across their ‘Coal-de-Sack’ home to his own house and quickly diving indoors to safety with a bright blush on his cheeks.

“Ninja’s are so rude! He hasn’t even asked me out yet?!”

End?



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