It is nice to be home again for a weekend, we got home in time for me to go to the football game.
Jenn and Clara from last year’s Art class are now seniors at Hillside. Bev and Gwen, my classmates agree to meet us at the game. I was going to go as Andrew as Mom preferred but Jenn said, “We’d be more comfortable with Andrea." So Andrea it is.

Before it was a rarity that I went to football games and now I’m going mostly to visit those who are there. I have on my khaki and blue skirt with the medium weight blue knit sweater. Clare congratulates me for wearing blue for our team. Jenn says, “I saw that at the Towne Shoppe, but I know a half dozen girls who have already bought various combinations. Seeing how it looks on you, I might reconsider buying the dress or the skirt and blouse that I liked.

Jennifer takes a step back and says, “I know what’s different about you?” She pauses Clare and I are waiting for her to finish her thought. “You’re really Andrea, you are more naturally one of us.”

I quickly say, “I’m still Andrew and I’m staying me.” Bev and Gwen are with us and Gwen says, “I think Jenn’s right. You might be Andy but you have comfort being Andrea that you didn’t when I last saw you.”

The football team scores and I join the others jumping up and down clapping, and cheering the score. Jenn turns saying, “That surely had no trace of Andy.” She says, “Terra told me when you’re in a skirt Andrea that you go fully into girl mode. Do you deny that?”

Near the end of the game, Gwen has us go over near the cheerleaders, where we see Caroline Druthers, from the Towne Shoppe and Miss Miller from the home economics class. Miss Miller’s also the cheerleader coach. She says, “I like that skirt, sweater combination you could be a cheerleader.” We continue to talk after I say, “No way!”

Our team has a slim lead and the other team is threatening to score when a new player Matt Scott intercepts the ball for us. Ms. Miller hands me a pair of pom poms and pushes me toward the cheerleaders. Carrie quietly encourages me, “It will be good for you.” Sharon and Zina welcome me, “Welcome, add to the spirit… go with what you know and mimic us when you don’t.”

It isn’t long and the football team is threatening to score as we’re cheering them on. During a time out, I’m ready to lay my pom poms down and join the fans. Sharon says, “No can do it, you don’t want to break our luck.” So I remain and the next play, Matt Scott catches the ball for a score, and the cheerleaders and I run to the edge of the field. Sharon turns, “Aren’t you glad you didn’t give up. Now you’ll need to come to the dance after the game and enjoy the celebration.”

True enough the score with minutes left on the scoreboard took the fight out of the opposition. The game was soon over. Sharon is a good friend of Jennifer, and the two of them team up to get me to agree to the dance. It is the third game of the season and I guess Matt Scott has already made his imprint at the school. Sharon takes me up to him at the dance, saying I’d like to introduce you, Matt, to another boy made good. This is Andrea Stephens.”

Matt smiles as others are congratulating him for the win and his big plays. I joke, “I think it’s great you won, but I’m not much of an athlete.”

Matt asks, “How good are you at dancing?” We’re dancing and Matt jokes, “If my sisters find out we met and I didn’t visit with you, I’d be in big trouble. They were upset when we moved to town, but then found out it’s the town of Andrew and Andrea. They were upset with our parents that you had moved.” The dance ends with a flare and Matt spins me off the floor with one arm and sets me down lightly with two. I land and stop face to face with him.

I’m hoping no one notices as I regain my composure. “Well, I hope they don’t take it personally. I suspect they know…” I shake my head as I find myself now into another slower dance with Matt. “You know I’m also Andrew.”

Matt kind of laughs, “I don’t see a trace of him, nor do I intend for us to fall madly in love.” He says, “Change of subject, are you going to be at the Towne Shoppe at all if my sisters want to catch up to you.”

I can only answer, “I suppose but I’m not sure when.”

Matt pulls me in closer and I find myself resting my head leaning on him. He says, “Someone told me you become more girly as Andrea, but I thought that was just a given.” I try to lift my head but he lightly holds me there. “I suspect you just needed to relax and let your hair down.”

I ask, “I’m impressed with a jock who’s sensitive. Are you older than I think?”

He says, “Yes actually, my dad held me back a year to play football. But my sensitivity comes from my mother and grandmother who have done the majority of raising us. I do see my Dad more during football season and the holidays.”

Matt asks, “How do you like doing a lot of traveling? Dad says it’s great.”

I say, “My Mom doesn’t let me do it as much as the companies want. It’s nice enough but not as nice as most would think.” The dance ends and I pull Matt off the dance floor. I did it because I didn’t want to dance with a guy anymore. Matt hangs around until other football players come and take him away.

Gwen and Bev with their guys find me again. Bev says, “I’m surprised how much of the girl stuff you’ve gotten into. The big university town seems to have influenced you already.”

I make a stern face, “It didn’t that was Matt’s doing. We talked about his two sisters.”

Bev says, “Did he force you to lean on his shoulder?”

Sarcastically, “I’m sorry if I let down my hair and acted like a girl. Do you have something against that?”

Gwen says, “No, we just want you to admit it and then relax and enjoy yourself.”

Jennifer comes over with Sharon and two cheerleaders who I didn’t know before. We’re soon dancing as a group of girls as I observe many of the guys are around the dance floor talking to other guys. It hits me that I use to be them. I’m thinking even Andrew dances more, but then again I’m the one who does the most socializing. Coach Miller’s here and she coaxes Sharon and the cheerleaders to get the guys of the football team dancing.

I look over and see Jacob Turner, he’s the male version of a wallflower, but he’s nice. I walk up to him and say, Jake, how about a dance?” He faints that he doesn’t know how but I tug him, saying, "Then fake it like me." Jake does know how to dance and we enjoy our dance.

He then gets the nerve to ask Darlene. I had thought they had like each other, but then Darla’s as shy as he is.

I’m ready to leave but I can’t find Jenn and Sharon is occupied. Bev and Gwen are busy. I know the town and it’s not that long of a walk, but no. Dan Isaac looks like he’s leaving, and I know him, but not well. He’s soon gone before I asked.

I fidget for my phone, I don’t like calling home. Matt walks over to me, asking, “I’m needing to go home. I was wondering if you might like a ride home.”

“I was just about to call home. A ride would be good, thank you.” I’m thinking I would have walked by myself if I were Andrew tonight. Being with Matt is nice. “I hope you don’t think I’m crazy liking time as a girl?”

Matt says, “You have a lot of friends here. That helps me to see you for whom you are. I don’t know Andrew, but I think we could be friends. I like what I see in you. I know my sisters will love that I met you.”

I am wondering why Matt is being nice to me. I like it, but most of my friends lately have been girls. Plus I kind of feel guilty and weird about how I’m feeling about being with another guy. I feel awkward about being quiet on our way to my house. “I’m sorry Matt, but I’m not used to guys being nice like friends.”

He asks, “What’s your problem, are you thinking I’m after something?”

“No, I’m not afraid of anything, but I usually pass guys in the hall and all we say is hi, something simple like that. I enjoy having a conversation with you.”

“Are you afraid of being friends?”

“That’s silly, what would make you think that. My Mom says it happens when one’s afraid there might be more to the friendship. Tell you the truth, it surprised me that I danced and talked with you.”

I tell Matt where to turn when we’re at my street and which driveway to pull into. I’m ready to say thanks and goodbye, but find myself leaning over and giving him a kiss. I’m glad he didn’t overreact but now I’m embarrassed as I fiddle with the door handle, saying thanks and goodbye.

Once in the house, I hurry to a sofa I never sit in. Mom comes in asking, “How were the game and the dance?” She says, “I was surprised you went to the dance. Did you have a good time or was it awkward as Andrea?”

I say, “I spent most of the game talking to friends and saying hi to others. Gwen and others think I’ve changed, do you think so?”

Mom asks, “How do they think you’ve changed?”

“Gwen and Bev said they heard I‘m more natural as a girl when I’m Andrea, like tonight.”

Mom says, “And that surprises you. It seems to me that you would be more natural acting like a girl when you go out as Andrea.”

“But Mom, I’m still a boy. I like being Andrew that is who I am.”

Once Mom sits across from me, I know more is coming. “You also like being Andrea; like tonight you were going as Andrew, but Jennifer encouraged you to go as Andrea. It was like you didn’t miss a beat and became your girl self quickly.”

I say, “Miss Miller near the end of the game gave me pom poms and had me walk over near the cheerleaders. I did what I could, mimicking movements I didn’t know. I even kicked up my legs. Whenever the team scored I jumped up and down like a girl.” Mom smiles knowing I’m saying more than I plan.

I ask, “Have you heard about this new player they have. I don’t know what he did the previous two games but he did extremely well tonight.”

I’m hemming and hawing about saying more. Mom shares, “I don’t know much about him, but his mother told me his two sisters were upset when they found out you’re going to another school. I wouldn’t be surprised if they look for you at Carrie’s shop.”

Mom thinks to ask, “Who gave you a ride home? It looked like you talked before you came into the house.”

“Were you watching me?”

Mom says, “I looked to see who came home. Leah was out too, but no I wasn’t spying on you. But I would like to know who gave you a ride home, I didn’t recognize the car.”

“If you need to know it was Matt Scott. I couldn’t find Jennifer when I was wanting to get home. Bev and Gwen, well they were with others. I was about to phone home when Matt asked if he could give me a ride.”

“You didn’t know each other and he offers you a ride, and you take it?”

I say, “Mom, it wasn’t quite like that. We talked and danced together earlier. We talked again once, it’s like we quickly became friends.” Mom’s looking at me waiting to know more. “Sharon the Captain of the Cheerleaders introduced us as two boys who made good. It was like he knew I’m a boy, but he sees me as a total girl when I’m dressed as Andrea.”

Mom says, “He must have become awfully comfortable if he’s the one who gave you a kiss.”

“It wasn’t him Mom and I have no explanation but I was the one who kissed him as I got out of the car. That’s why you found me in here.”

I lean over to Mom hoping to get a hug and not a reprimand. Mom says, “Come here.” She holds me close. “Mom he’s a sensitive guy, not like I think of jocks. He has both his parents, but he says he’s that way because his Mom and grandmother did most of the raising.”

Mom says, “I think that’s enough for tonight, but remember to take care of your clothes and take care of your makeup and skin before you go to bed.” I start for my room and my Mom asks, “Did anyone remark about your outfit? Are they impressed as much as I am?”

I wave to Mom, “Yes, but I’ll tell you in the morning if that be okay.” I hang my skirt and neatly fold my sweater. I’m getting ready for bed when Leah comes home. She met old friends and one in particular. She asks, “Andrea, I’m glad it’s you. Would you mind if I share girl to girl?”

Dale was someone she had a crush on years ago. She was younger than him and they never dated. Tonight he’s back saying he’s ready to finish college in December. “Damn Andrea, I wanted him in the worse way.” They had spent some intimate time together, more than I wanted to know. But she had to tell someone and no way was it going to be our parents.

“He’s going onto grad school, and he’s coming back here to do it. How am I going to concentrate if tonight is how it’s going to be?”

We almost always talk to Mom if she’s up, but I tell Leah she needs to shower before if she does that.

I know my feelings for Matt don’t compare but Leah’s story has me thinking. And when I hit the pillow, it has me dreaming of him. I’d say, ‘Yuck,’ except it didn’t feel like yuck.

Come morning my Mom wakes me early and after a welcomed shower I dress and Andrew is once again visible. We’re still the only two awake, sitting across from each other with tea and a buttered roll. Mom grins asking, “Tell me more about last night.”

I went to the game and people were happy to see Andrea. A lot of small talk of things about my line of clothes including liking the blue and tan/khaki outfit I had on. Did I tell you, Mom, JC says they’re using that combination more? I suggested that for some of it to use tan instead of the Kaki.”

Mom says, “Back to the subject.”

“Well, I went with Jenn Hock and Clara and we met up with Gwen and Bev. We kind of floated around, splitting up here and there as one would get caught up in conversations. We weren’t usually into the game. Gwen and Jenn both think as Andrea, I’m more natural as a girl than before. Mom, it’s not like I’ve modeled or gone out as Andrea. It’s like they find it easier to talk to Andrea.”

She asks, “Well does that give you more incentive as Andrew to become more outgoing and to help carry conversations.”

“I talk Mom, but even the guys, like last night this Matt Scott knowing I’m a guy relates to me being Andrea.”

Mom asks, “And who gave Matt a kiss last night after receiving a ride home.” Entering the room, Leah says, “Who’s Matt and who kissed who?”

I want to say that was Andrea and it was, but it is also me. I want to run but I’m sure it will come up until it is aired out. “I went to last night’s high school game. This Matt is new to the school and last night was the star of the game. I went to the dance afterward and was forced to dance with this Matt. He even knew I’m a boy, but he responded to Andrea whom he could see.”

Leah asks, “So how did he force you to dance with him? And was it he who forced a kiss on you?”

Mom says, “I’m interested in these answers, though I know parts already.”

My voice pitches up, “Mom how do you know anything.” Leah chirps, “Social media, nothing’s secret.” Mom nods though she doesn’t say from whom.”

“Matt asked me to dance and took me by the hand to the dance floor. What was I to do? It was to be just one dance, but we were talking and it went to slow dance. He’s a neat sensitive guy and he’s easy to talk with.”

“We were like strangers for the rest of the evening. When I wanted to come home, Jennifer was gone, and Sharon was with some football player. Even Bev and Gwen were occupied. I either needed to walk home or call for a ride. I didn’t want to look like a little girl having to call her parents.”

Leah says, “You’re going to tell us that Matt out of the goodness of his heart asked if you needed a ride. And you said yes of course. I didn’t hear about the kiss yet, so I’m to guess he saw that as a perk for giving you a ride home. But you said he knows you’re a boy.”

I say, “You’re not believing me, but I swear he did ask if I needed a ride home. And it wasn’t like he was still a stranger. I trusted him and the truth is I kissed him, though I don’t know why.”

Leah hugs me, “Andrew as Andrea, you’re more and more a girl. I don’t know him. But I suspect the girls you’re friends with find him attractive and so did Andrea.” Mom is holding the two of us in her arms, agreeing.

I’m expecting my Mom to say, “If we need to back away or call this quits, we can’ She doesn’t. She says, “Make sure you share this with your counselor at the University. She mentioned something like this would be possible.”

Mom says, “Andrew, I don’t want you feeling ashamed or in denial. I think you’ve decided Andrea’s part of you. Leah and I both support you, you’re strong and there’s more to you than meets the eye.”

It’s 10:30 before I arrive at Carrie’s Towne Shoppe; ironically it’s the one place I’m readily accepted as Andrew. But I’m no longer stock boy. Several customers come hoping I’m here and can give them my opinion, but it’s not always my area of expertise. Lara Dole is a young thirty something, off to the Caribbean or a cruise in the Mediterranean, and wants my opinion on swimsuits and dressing for the weather there.

It is flattering and she is a very attractive 30 something. Not much falls into my lines of clothing, but Denise another salesperson, and I help her quite well. She did not need to try on for us as much as she did. Denise shares, “She’s better off hearing praise from us, in case her husband doesn’t notice or know to say anything.”

I say, “How could he not notice?”

“They say at the country club he often does not compliment her and can be sarcastic.” The sale is nearly a thousand dollars, she’ll look like a million, and the money is considered well spent.

I plan on staying only a little longer, but come 1:30 two teen girls give a shriek, “You’re here! You’re here! Our brother said you were home this weekend. Did he tell you we’re disappointed you’re not in school with us? We told friends in Denver you live here and they didn’t believe us.”

Mia says, “Matt said he saw you as Andrea and even danced with you. Unfortunately, we didn’t go to the dance, since it was after the game.” Mia says, “I could have stayed except for my sister being with me.”

I suspect Kayla’s a freshman but she’s in tenth grade, a grade behind Mia. Their actions say they’re sisters, and they’re both attractive but fairly different. Reminding me more of Leah and Heidi and myself as Andrea. Though we each have similarities to our mother; we are distinctly different.

They’re close to leaving with Kayla getting a skirt that she’ll use a lot and a blouse good for this fall. Mia’s dark hair and eyes contrast well with reds and sharp lines and prints. She gets a tiered blouse out of my collection and has her eyes on future purchases. Matt and his older brother Mark come in after their sisters.

My hair is still long and still a bit feminine; I become somewhat uncomfortable as Andrew with him seeing me. I introduce myself as Andy Stephens. Mark says, “I guess that puts tonight off.”

“What does that mean,” I ask?

Mark says, “Our folks are taking us out tonight to celebrate Matthew’s big game. Matt and our sisters wondered aloud to our parents about inviting you, but that was for Andrea. We’re going out to the Credo Club. Our parents even reserved your table if you didn’t show up and bounce us out.”

Mark sees a poster of Andrea and points, “No offense, but that can’t be you, right? You use a model for those shots.”

Carrie comes over to make sure things are alright. She says, “Matt you played a whale of a game last night, even better than the prior game.” She looks around, “I see Mia and Kayla have gotten to meet Andrew and make some purchases. Is there anything more we can do to help you?”

Mark says, “Yea, tell me he has a sister Andrea. There’s no way he’s the girl in the poster, who Matt says he danced with last night.”

Carrie turns to me, “Andrew, I’m getting that from more and more people from out of town. Even more, townies find you making a very believable girl.” I close my eyes hoping things will change when they’re open again.

I say, “It’s the persona I’ve embraced. What you see in the two images is me.”

Matt asks, “How hard is it to change back if you’d be willing to go out to dinner with us.”

“Jennifer Lach and I are to get together and meet up with some others at her place after that. I owe her dinner for how much she’s helped me. We’re going to the Credo, but if you’re there before us. I guess we could get a nearby table. Jennifer’s a science geek though she doesn’t look it.”

Mark says, “We’ll plan to be there around 6:30, a little after knowing our mom. If you’re there fine, I expect you’re a busy person.”

Denise does me a favor and checks out the girls at the register. Carrie agrees that I’ve put in a good showing at the store and can leave. I’m shaking my head as I leave and texting Jenn.

All my Mom insists on is I get in two hours of reading and save tomorrow for Grandma Stephens.

I owe Jenn a nice sit-down meal and the early performance at Credo. She’s petite and I already know the red dress she’s wearing. I’m planning on my nice black dress and Mom insists, “I think you need to stay with your plan with Jennifer. If you decide to take a table near them, I’m sure Nick Credo will find a way to accommodate your requests.”

Reading Jennifer Boylan’s “She’s Not There” serves as a reminder of the courage others have in embracing themselves or those dear to them. It’s on my tablet which I take with me, in case Jenn or others are interested. Interested in understanding people kind of like me.

I am anxious about how I’m dressing up for Jenn, worried the Scotts won’t understand. Finally, I say, heck with worrying and enjoy how well I can now do my makeup. I’m lightening my complexion, simple colors pop and I like the look. When Jennifer stops in, she feels a need to tell my mother about Matt and me dancing last night. My saving grace is Mom doesn’t mention the kiss or likelihood of seeing the Scotts.

Jenn’s the one who tells me about The Key Strings performing this weekend at the Credo. Nick does have a great table for us, for the dinner and the show. It is Jenn who recognizes the Scotts and says it is okay to sit near them for dinner. Another table will be ours come to the early show.

Jenn and I sit between the sisters and Matt. Margaret Scott asks, “How long did it take for your parents to become comfortable with you dressing so convincingly as Andrea? Your dress is modest by today’s standards, but most girls don’t have the legs you do.”

Jenn says, “When Andrew showed up in our Advanced Art class he became our little brother. He had drawings of gowns or dresses for each of us before he started on the gown he thought up. Andrew hadn’t listened to all the teacher said in an assignment. It wasn’t until February or March, it dawned on him he wasn’t getting out of his predicament. Andie said he was going to use a friend to model it, but Mr. Murphy threatened to fail him. He was also to wear it to the prom or a special dance. Terra, who had become his number Uno big sister decided to take him to the prom. He got discovered by JC Harper when he modeled his gown and made the news for going to the prom as a girl.”

I say, “It was Terra who first saw how I liked designing the clothes. She also convinced me to be comfortable with myself wearing them. I still see myself as Andrew, but it is a lot easier changing to be Andrea, then it is back to being Andrew.”

As we’re eating Mia asks, “Don’t you get tired of eating like a bird to stay thin?”

Jenn says, “She had to learn fast if she was going not only to fit into her gown but to look good in it. We got her to do jazzercise with us to exercise so she did not get bulky muscles. I think she’ll get tired of it, but for now, Andrew enjoys being able to do it.”

There is a pianist playing as we eat and Mr. Scott took his wife to dance as do other men and their wives. I’m praying and thankful Matt has not gotten up to dance.

When they come back I am glad the discussion changes to Matt’s big game. It is after 7:30, we’re finished eating and the new group is ready to set up. Mr. Scott suggests his boys be gentlemen as he takes his wife for another dance.

Mark asks Jennifer and Matt asks me. Nick has their house photographer to take a picture of us dancing. I had promised him a better picture earlier in the summer and he had not yet received one, my fault.

Matt and I once again have no problems visiting. He even asks if I’ll come to see the team play when they’re up to Appleton. They’re a Hillside rival and I know others like Terra plan to go when they play.

I think Matt and Mark are hurt when we don’t ask them to stay and sit with us for the show. Nick is happy as it gives other customers a better opportunity to ask for autographs and take selfies with me.

Sunday morning, I’m up and dressing as Andrea to see Grandma Stephens, I generally present myself to her as Andrew. I’m dressing a little special but not overly fancy. Mom pops her head into my room and upon seeing me, asks, “You’re going to church as Andrea.”

“No one told me we’re going to church!”

Mom says, “I told you Friday when we were coming home, and, I repeated it again yesterday.” My white dress with crochet work at the top is dropping down with my arms finding their places. Leah says, “It better be Andrea as that is too nice for Andrew to go out to dinner in.”

Leah gives a light giggle before saying, “Mom it is interesting, even with her bra protruding her chest out there, she’s neater as she eats.”

Mom replies, “Andrea sits up and eats much more neatly, but one must credit Andrew is better than he was.”

I tell them, “I’ll stay home from church and go out to eat afterward.” Mom indicates that’s not an option, so I begin to change.

“That is not an option either. If you can’t go to church as Andrea then you can stop being her.” Mom excuses Leah from being with us and asks me to sit. “Andrew is this getting to be too much for you?”

I am surprised by the question, “No, why would you ask something like that? Andrea’s Threads is doing great and I enjoy it as much as ever.”

“Well, you seem to be doing great, and then all of a sudden you don’t want to do something. If it is okay to be Andrea out in public, what’s the problem with going to church with your Grandmother Stephens?”

“Mom, it’s a holy place, isn’t it? Not everyone there might agree with me dressing as a girl.”

Mom says, “They don’t need to agree with you, but for some other people you’re being there helps them. If you’re such a public image, maybe you should think about those others. Haven’t you been communicating to some Craig who sees himself as Anne?”

“Mom, I don’t want to be responsible for him or anyone? I just like designing clothes and I’m glad he likes them. We’re friends kind of but I’m not responsible for him.”

Mom says, “I’m not asking you to be responsible for him. But if you become comfortable being yourself, it could be good for him and others. Haven’t you had some girls being confidential to you like one girl to another? You aren’t responsible for them but it seems you bring caring as Andrea and some understanding as a boy.”

I thought I was going to get a lecture but Mom comes across with a better understanding that is helpful.

After Mom leaves my room Leah calls me into her room asking, “You do remember we’re celebrating Mom’s birthday today. Mom’s mom will be there at the restaurant and back here at the house as well. She and Cousin Sharon will be here to decorate the house and have the cake ready when we come back from dinner.”

“Oops,” I had forgotten the celebration’s today, “I have two shawls and a gift card put away for her. If you want to go in with me for the gift you can. I have a skirt to give her but I can give that anytime.”

Leah says, “I have something but Heidi was wondering if we could give Mom something in her name. Heidi’s on a limited budget. If you allow the skirt to be in her name, you need to know she’s not going to give you much for it.”

Heidi feels different about our step-dad and won’t accept any help from him. Two grants she received were reduced because she did not seek other support available to her. I say. “Leah, she relates better to you than me. Could you suggest she could sell some of my clothes on her campus or in her area? It has the potential of being a nice income.”

Leah tells me, “You know we both have mixed feelings about being tagged as your big sisters or getting caught up in name recognition.” That is something Leah and I will talk about on our way back to our apartments.

Dad rarely goes to church but he does today. He intercedes when Mr. Bradly Henderson tries to give me a hard time. Dan said, “Brad, you can have your beliefs, but I won’t accept you giving her a bad time.”

Mr. Henderson says, “Do you mind if I ask Andrew or her about this passage in the Bible?” Dad simply says, “Yes, she has a stronger faith than I do. If you want to quiz someone, I guess it should be better if it’s me.”

Mr. Henderson kind of justifies what he wants to ask as being for my own good. After he went into church; grandmas Stephens and Johnson suggest another area of the church to sit. Leah and I wanted to go up and sit with others, but respectfully we sit with Mom. Today’s music is upbeat and enjoyable. It is a bigger church than the one Mom and Leah went to when we first lived here. That has its strengths and drawbacks.

Gwen and Mallory ask me to attend a gathering and then bemoan I’m going to school elsewhere and need to get back.

Mom is surprised to see her Mom, brother Howard and my cousin Sharon at the restaurant. Her birthday is on Thursday, it seems like Mom’s pleasantly surprised. The dinner goes well and a few waiters sing happy birthday. It is when we drive home and all the others follow, and Mom realizes there is more.

I see myself as the one responding differently than usual. Having cake and singing I usually take part in. It is staying around for Mom to open gifts, taking an interest, and talking more are all different for me. Mom and Aunt Brenda are the ones who enjoy the difference in me.

Aunt Brenda and Cousin Sharon want to talk to me about being a girl and ordering some clothes. I begin telling them, “We’ll need to do it quickly as Leah and I need to get back to State Center.”

My mother interrupts, “Relax you have appointments with Dr. Higgins, and Dr. Saga Dotter your Psychiatrist tomorrow. We’re leaving here early enough to see Dr. Saga at 10:30.”

I bring out my laptop because of its larger screen. Cousin Sharon and her mother are happy with their orders, but Aunt Brenda closes the door to where we are after Sharon leaves the room. “Andrea, do you remember some of what Sharon liked that will still be good Christmas and afterward?”

I show her several outfits and designer jeans that Sharon liked including a few from JC’s collection that I think is good for her. Then I open another file and show her a personal design I drew up for Sharon, but as of yet, I had not yet shown it. “Oh my, that fits Sharon to a T. Did you really do that or have one of your design people do that?” I’m sure she meant it as a compliment about how well it was done. But the fact she didn’t think I did it hurt.

“Aunt Brenda it is my design; I thought it would be great for Sharon’s Winter Carnival in February. But it is elaborate enough that I’d have to have someone else create it. I’ll tell you the truth, I’m a little hurt, you didn’t think it is my design.”

“I can have one of my seamstresses do it for costs to me, but a version of it would be out seven to ten days after her school’s winter celebration.” I am irked a little as Aunt Brenda seeks a price break from that. Uncle Howard and Aunt Brenda are financially well off, cost shouldn’t be a concern. It costs them $125; as a formal gown, it will be $350 in-store. Sharon’s will be priceless to my way of thinking, and I will have fabrics used that the other dresses will not. “The best I’ll do Aunt Brenda will be to take a little off. If it’s not worth what it is offered to you at. Then I’ll forget it, for now, maybe I will design something for her later.”

Aunt Brenda says, “I’ll have to talk to her father about it.” I quietly walk out and go hide in my room. I am relatively sure she will order it but she’s upsetting me.

I get a welcomed call from Heidi. She thanks me for the skirt given to Mom. And she’s wanting to host a website to sell my clothing line at her campus. She is a strong person, but she has trouble socializing and she’s hoping this will help. It is the warmest connection we’ve had since early in the year. My shenanigans when things with my gown began, upset her. When it turned out to be a blessing. She was miffed that I hadn’t learned my lesson. Well, I had, but sometimes such lessons had cost her more dearly. I couldn’t blame her, in many ways she was right.

Come Monday morning I have things packed so we can leave home just after 7:30. On the way, Mom says if Dr. Saga says it would be fine, Dr. Higgins will visit with you about a stronger dosage of the blocker to bring your testosterone levels down into the range for most teenage girls.

I ask, “Mom are you actually pushing for me to be Andrea?”

She says, “No, but having a smaller, slimmer frame is something that Andrew is already used to. Neither persona, I believe is ready for manhood if it transformed you to be larger and more like your father.”

I giggle at the thought and agree. Mom and I talk about my thoughts and feelings regarding Aunt Brenda last night. Mom finally says, “You can stay upset with her. But she has good traits as well.”

“I understand your hurt and I’m glad you were able to share what you did. That my youngest child wrestles with such things as well as growing pains impresses me.”

I toss and turn as I try to relax as we’re traveling. I find myself trying to explore a feminine body that is more in my head…

Story to be continued…