"Aaaarrgh!"

"Stella, those were my ear drums you just shattered."

"This isn't the way to Tom's, this is the hos.... I am not going into a hospital."

"Unless you really want to see what street fighting is all about, you'd better do as you are told."

Easy As Falling Off A Bike
by Angharad
part 209.

"You mean to tell me, you went at that gorilla without any practised moves?"

"Yeah, why?"

"So how do you know they're going to work?"

"You don't, but neither do you when you practice them. If they always did, you'd have taken out both of them and I could have stood there swooning at my hero." I batted my eyelids.

She punched me on the arm.

"Bloody hell Stella, that hurt."

"I don't believe you."

"What don't you believe?"

"That you don't do any training for martial arts."

"I ride a bike when I can. I don't like hitting people. It's about head stuff. You learn how to make the best of any situation. It's about belief, self belief."

"So did you believe you were going to take out that bloke?"

"I dunno, I didn't stop to analyse it."

"You are bullshitting me, aren't you?"

"What about?"

"Bristol Street Fighting."

"Took you long enough to work that out."

"So what was all that then?"

"All what?"

"Cathy, stop answering questions with a question."

"Why?"

"Aaaarrgh!"

"Stella, those were my ear drums you just shattered."

"This isn't the way to Tom's, this is the hos.... I am not going into a hospital."

"Unless you really want to see what street fighting is all about, you'd better do as you are told."

Stella looked startled as I spoke with deliberate menace.

"You have only recently come out of an emergency situation, you took a blow to the guts, I want to make sure it's okay."

She opened her mouth to speak.

"No it was MI5 who trained me, along with a whole pile of dolphins who can neutralise bombs, tap telephone lines, open tins of tuna and do the Times crossword."

I saw her visualising each of the stupid scenarios I had just described. "That is ridiculous."

"What is?"

"Dolphins being able to write the answers in the Times crossword."

"They have a special waterproof copy, or do it on line."

"Oh, that's different." She kept a straight face until we got out of the car then she nearly fell over giggling. Her tummy was hurting as she laughed, so I felt vindicated in bringing her to the hospital.

We sat around for three hours while we waited for different people or tests to be carried out. I sat around for three hours, Stella was whisked off every so often. They all knew her by name of course, so I hate to think how long it would have taken if we were just ordinary punters.

I found a copy of a sunday supplement which mentioned our mapping project and why we needed to do it as thoroughly as possible. However, my reading was disturbed by some kid standing to the side of me and staring at me.

It is unnerving to have someone stare at you. It is doubly so when it's a kid, they don't filter what they say. They just say it, usually very loudly. Did she realise my original gender?

I could feel my blood pressure rising as I pretended not to notice her. My heart was thumping. Was she going to say anything? Could I slide across and strangle her without anyone noticing? Nah, they have CCTV.

I read the same paragraph for the ninth time, her eyes were still boring into me. Was she one of these autistic kids who stare at things for hours?

"Mummmmmmmmmmy, dat wady has dirty mark on her face, her jacket has a hole in it. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"

"I don't know darling, perhaps she fell over, come along and stop bothering her."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she squealed so loudly I wondered if the fire alarm was going to come on.

"Come along Jemima, do as Mummy tells you."

"Nooooooooooooooooo," she squealed, at only ten thousand decibels, as her mother eventually grabbed her and dragged her away.

"Sorry about that," she said as she grabbed the noisy brat.

However, Jemima had other ideas and held onto my chair, which in turn was fixed to the floor, presumably to stop drunks throwing them at each other. She also seemed to have more hands and arms than normal children, because each time one was prised off, it's neighbour grabbed hold. All of this was accompanied by her mother remonstrating with her and her squealing like an enraged fire engine.

A nurse and one of the admin staff came to help shut her up, she was waking up patients in the mortuary.

The kid was like superglue, she held on and held on. Finally they shifted her and I breathed a sigh of relief. A second later the sound of small hoof beats was accompanied by something jumping onto my lap, which then clung to me.

"Jemima, please come with Mummy and leave this lady alone."

"Noooooooooooooooooo!" she shook her head and damaged my remaining auditory nerves. "Stay wiv wady."

"I'm sorry about this." The mother tried to separate her from me, but Jemima was having none of it.

"Why me?" I said silently to myself.

"Why you gotted dirty mark on you face?" she said looking at the side of my face.

"I fell over and my head touched the ground," courtesy of some gorilla who has an even bigger headache. I smiled as I thought that.

"You need wash."

"Yes Jemima, I probably do." I could see her mother standing and shaking her head as she wondered what to do next.

"Shall we go to the toilets and wash it off?" I asked her.

"Yes, Jemima wash it doff for you." She jumped down off me and grabbed my hand. Then we went to the toilets and I knelt down while she wiped a wet paper towel over the mark on my face. Fortunately, it didn't hurt so I probably did it with a dirty hand rather than bashing it. Once she'd wiped it off, she dried it with another paper towel.

Her mother stood and watched from the doorway. I don't know what she thought. Finally Jemima was finished and she took my hand and led me out.

"I'm sorry about this erm.. I'm Janice Scott."

I was just about to say my name when the tannoy announced, "Would Lady Catherine please come to reception."

"Sorry, that's probably me." I excused myself as the woman's mouth gaped wide open, and I deftly transferred her troublesome child to her rightful carer.

"We're sending her up to gynae for the night, we think she's okay but just in case."

"Can I pop up and see her?"

"The way she was swearing at you, I'd let her calm down a bit first."

"That's Stella."

"Yeah, I knew her when she was a ward sister. Don't go there," she said winking as I was about to ask.

"I'll come back tonight."

"Yeah, might be safer."

I went off to the police station and gave a statement. I explained why Stella couldn't and they asked if she could as soon as possible. Life was not getting any simpler.

"What happened to the woman those gorillas had?"

"She's at a detention centre while immigration sort out if she's legal or not. If not they send her back."

"I hope someone notifies her family."

"If she gives them her name."

"Why shouldn't she?"

"If you were forced into prostitution would you be happy to talk to anyone in authority?"

"Well the police would be alright."

"Would they? Who knows what they told her and she believes. Some Russian cops are as bent as a four pound note. She might think the same about us."

"Surely not!" I sounded indignant even to myself.

"Lady Catherine, you're lovely woman but you are so innocent. If it had gone wrong out there, you could have ended up dead or in the same boat as the woman you rescued."

"What!" I gasped.

"So in future, leave the crime busting to the police."

I left feeling about two inches tall.