It was when I was seventeen or so and I dropped out of high school after last year after something happened. Life was getting to be too much for me anymore and I was put on anti depressants. No one around me cared what I was going through especially my parents no one cared what I did or if I needed help. Which to be honest I did need help but I had no support. Just like when I was younger they left me alone and let me do whatever to them I didn't really exist. At that point I had no one to stop me from doing something dumb or to even give a shit if something happened to me. So one night I decided enough was enough and I was done with everything. Id tried to end it all a handful of times before Id guess around five or six by this point and each was a miserable failure. Seeing another opportunity I decided to take it I went into the bathroom with all my pill and shut the door my parents were out at the time. There was no emotions at all like you hear how some cry or they're happy, for me there was nothing just numbness that was it. That was when I started to swallow pills hand fulls at a time I took about 85 which was basically my whole months prescription. When I got to the last bottle I left a few pills inside and decided to go to the couch and relax. Before I even left the bathroom I was already delirious hardly able to understand what was going on around me.

All I remember was laying on the couch waiting to die by myself without anyone to miss me or mourn me. Funny thing about life though we're born we die alone no one dies with us usually but for some reason very few want to live alone. After a little while I dont remember how long I just know it was dark out, I puked on myself and went back to the bathroom half out of my mind. Not really thinking straight I took a chunk off my shirt and dropped it on the floor then changed my shirt and fell asleep. Dont ask me how long I was out for all I remember is black sleep thats it. Everything was dark and there was nothing part of me thought I was dead and thats what was waiting for me. I woke up exhausted and slept for a good three, four days only waking up when I had to and I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. If I was awake I was falling asleep but you wanna know the sad part in all this?

I lived with my parents and they were never once concerned in a way they just left me to die. If your kid looked like I did at the time youd have their ass in the er asap. Not mine though my dad was medically trained you cant tell me he didnt know what i did he just didnt care. Any other human being whether it be parent relative or stranger wouldve done something probably wouldve had my stomach pumped clean. Most days I wish I wouldve died that night but Im just not that lucky....

"Babe?! Oh my God babe what happened? Whats going on are you ok? Please say something Ivan....." Sherelle was crying and panicking she mustve heard me I wanted to hit my sister so bad for causing this. "Baby ssshhhh its okay I promise. All that happened was I beat up one of my sister's losers and the asshole kicked my knee out. You know why I dont take pills so I didnt have any pain killers in me which is why I yelled." I felt my eyes crossing some from the pain probably I laid back and tried to relax as the nurse put the brace on. Annabelle was clinging to me like a small child as I tried to get Sherelle to calm down. After what seemed like forever I finally got her calm and she said quietly, "Ok babe I believe you....I love you."

"I love you too Sherelle." Then I hung up I had a pet peeve of telling those I care about that I love then before we part ways. Those were the last words I said to my nana when she was alive and it helped a lot after she was gone. Now I say it just in case something happens and we never talk again. Still hanging off me Annabelle kept apologizing "Sister dear please calm down I said its ok dont worry." I lifted her with me as I stood up "Bubba your knee!!" I shook my head, "Im fine see?" Lifting her over my shoulder she screamed "Put me down you know I hate heights! Im gonna get sick!!" Slowly I put her down and kissed her head, "Believe me now?" She nodded and clung to my arm as we left "You drive." I told my sister and handed her the keys she already knew what that meant I was gonna be thinking again. Thats how I spend most of my time anymore thinking about different things. My life was okay for once I had my sister close my awesome car and I could skateboard whenever. There was just one thing missing and it was one of the most important to me......Sherelle.

Facing facts and as much I didnt want to admit it I need her. Just then I went back to when I told her that it was the only time Ive ever told anyone we were just talking and I told her but she didnt say it back. Part of me worried I still do since shes never told me its a given I guess. Its just one of many things I need to hear once in awhile but never do. Im not the type to say I need to hear certain things I just hope that one day Ill hear them. Whenever it comes to Sherelle and I theres endless things to think about. So much to worry about so much to hope for now though all of that is out the window she was over a thousand miles away. Angry I punched the door hard and sighed Annabelle looked at me terrified "Bubba?" I looked at her with obvious pain in my eyes "It dont take much for me to be happy.....so why cant I be?" Silence filled the car she never did answer me I mean how could she? There really wasnt an answer that anyone could give to that. Right now there were few things keeping us apart now; making sure my sister was safe and all the fears I have. One blink later I was with my ex again and we were starting to get intimate she was putting unnecessary attention at my chest yet again she knows I hate it. This always ruined the mood for me I hated when she started that shit and it only got worse she wondered why I wasnt into it. It started with my chest then what I could and couldnt do to her which was a long list she saw me as a lesbian nothing more. I wasnt a man to her and I could never be man enough for her. That lesson sunk deep into me she never said it out loud but it was pretty obvious thats all I was to her. No matter what I do or what I have done I ll never be man enough for anyone. What if all this wasnt meant to last and it was just a fantasy that I was only setting myself up for pain? The thing is though shes worth the pain shes worth hurting severely for. Still lost in the past I heard all of my exes complaints....

"Come back brother please!" A few slaps brought me back to now Bel was looking at me "You ok? You were gone really long this time." Calmly I looked at her and said with fierce determination. after I hit the dash "Ive fucking had it all this is too goddam much." Lighting up a cigarette I continued after a drag, "Life is a fucking sick joke and we need to make some changes. Enough with letting people deal out bullshit we need to fight back more. That means you too sister I ll teach you how." She looked at me confused "Well there is one guy I like a lot." Part of me felt defeated and wanted to slam my head against the dash instead I looked at her, "Okay?" My sister started to get all weird and parked outside my place "I fell for him brother his name is Trey. Im afraid to tell him what if I scare him off?" Flicking my last cigarette outside I pulled out the pack and offered her one which she took, I loved my Marlboro blacks. As I lit mine I tossed her the lighter as we sat inside my car with the windows down relaxing. "Like I just said dont deal with bullshit including fear you gotta tell him." Taking a long drag and letting it out I continued, "Go call him and meet up ok?" Bel nodded and dumped some ash out the window "Okay bubba." We sat in silence again and smoked I always transported somewhere when I smoked its why I havent quit yet.

It was the old house where I lived there alot with nana I loved living with her she was the closest person who actually could understand me. One day I swiped a pack of pal mals from the carton in the cupboard. Some times Id be standing on the back porch smoking in the cool winter air, others Id be on the bathroom floor hanging out. My favorite was relaxing in the dining room watching some Roseanne and puffing away but there were times Id hide out in the basement and light up. Stubbing it out I looked at my sister "Ready to go inside?" She nodded as we got out "I think I ll call him now."

"Okay sis want me to leave you alone?" She shook her head no so I sat on the hood of my car and took out a small bag from my pocket and looked at it longingly. The guy mustve answered because she got all nervous and started talking I opened the bag and took out the rings inside. It took me forever to find these rings but they were perfect. They were a set of couple rings and I slowly held one up and looked at it sadly you can say I was torturing myself in a way I was. By looking at them though it made me think of her..... Sherelle she makes me so happy but I just missed her so much all I want is her here with me nothing in the universe would make me happier.

"Bubba?" Annabelle asked and tapped me, surprised I cleared my throat and looked at her, "Whats that?" she asked gesturing to the rings "Oh umm just a set of couple rings for me and Sherelle." A warm smile spread on her face as she hugged me tight, "Im meeting him in an hour I need to get ready." Shaking my head I sighed, "Ok well order the pizza to your place and I ll tell you how pretty you are." She nodded and we both got back in as she drove I called for the pizza. Once at her place she pulled me inside and pushed me on the couch then ran to her room to gather an outfit "Sit there I ll be back." I relaxed and turned on the tv. Id be waiting awhile. While I waited I looked at my phone and smiled at a picture of Sherelle. Most days I wonder how she got so beautiful then I realize that shes an angel. I feel like shes an angel sent from heaven just for me. "What do you think of this?" Instead of her usual jeans and band shirt she had a dark purple spaghetti strap dress on with black designs all over it with her hair down and black strappy heels. My sister looked beautiful she even had a black rose in her hair, "Youre gorgeous sis hes a lucky guy and he better not forget it." I smiled at her, "I got the prettiest sister around." She blushed and smiled back "Up or down." We both know how this was going to play out "Up." She put her hands on her hips "But he likes it down." Smirking I replied "Ok then have it down." She sat next to me and crossed her legs then there was a knock at the door. " I got it." I said as I stood up and limped to the door, "Brother darling arent you in pain?" Annabelle asked worried as I paid him and got the pizza, "I ll walk it off." A small laugh escaped me as I put the pizza on the table and sat down. "Why dont you smile more? Ive never seen you genuinely happy the closest Ive seen is when you skateboard or talk to Sherelle."

I sighed and looked down, "Thats because Im not happy I need her sis I honest to God do." We ate in silence from then on, with Daria on we sat and watched contently. Thats how I always felt with my sister....content, after a while and the pizza was gone she asked, "What time is it?" Glancing at my watch I replied, "Quarter to four." Annabelle thought a moment "Should I leave now?" I shrugged like I would know or care. She stood up and went back to her room again for a couple minutes. As I waited I did what I always did thought about things. My mind went back to Sherelle and what she was doing.

Finally something snapped in my head and I just couldnt handle any of this anymore. Without thinking I stood up and slammed my hand on the table like they do in soap operas. "Thats it I cant fucking take it anymore! Im fucking tired of this bullshit sis get your fucking ass out here now!" Within a minute she was out looking at me weird "Annabelle I cant fucking take it Im going on a road trip and Im trusting you to be safe while Im gone do you understand me?!" Bel nodded and asked "Where are you going to?" I looked at her and said "Im bringing Sherelle home where she belongs."