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Previously…

“You faced down guys with guns and stuff over there, Al. She understands. And she’ll understand now. Just tell her to give me a call if she has any questions,” Darla teased. Al’s face grew red and she patted his wrist for a third time.

“I’m sorry…. For real this time. She’s about as wonderful anyone I know, and if anyone deserves happiness it’s her,” she paused as tears came to her eyes once again.

“And I can’t think of anyone who can make her happy as much as you can, partner. I love her and I want the best for her, and right now? The best? Maybe the best for all time? It’s you, Officer Petrovic.”

“I…. don’t know what to say,” Al begged even as he blushed once again.

“Just say, “Excuse me? Would you like to go out for coffee or pizza? My treat?’”

---

At the precinct the next day...

“Yes?” Darla grew anxious in an instant; that heart skipping a beat feeling seemed to overwhelm her.

“Officer… Farnetti? Please listen carefully?” Darla’s eyes grew wide and Alex tapped her wrist to get her attention. She mouthed ‘Beseema’ to him even as her attention was pulled from his gesture.

“Go ahead,” she said. A few moments of nodding and shaking her head quickly followed by her looking up slightly; almost in prayer.

“You have my word, Miss….Abdel-Salaam,” she said. Darla bit her lip as the soft voice of the woman was replaced abruptly by a dial tone. She laid the phone on the table and took a gulp of coffee. Her face was a mixture of fear and anxious hope as she turned toward her partner once again.

“What the….did she say where she was? Is she okay? What…” Alex began but Darla moved her hand slowly downward in an oddly calm assurance.

“She’s okay. She is safe,” Darla said even as she breathed out a semi-relieved sigh; accompanied by the tears that began to well in her eyes.

“What’s wrong, Dar?” Alex asked; the anxiety in his expression almost mirrored the look on Darla’s face.

“Oh….nothing, Al…. but…”

“But what?”

“I’m…. I can’t…” She looked out the window; searching somehow for a bit of clarity in the midst of the chaos her life had become.

“You ….you want to know more…. You want to know why?”

“I hate this. This is so crazy. I don’t understand, Alex. I really don’t, and it hurts.”

“You hate that you don’t know if she really is safe? Or that you don’t know where she is? Or maybe because it’s just one more thing you don’t have control over?” He shook his head; it wasn’t meant to be a rebuke, but she took it that way none the less.

“Is that so wrong, Alex? I don’t know what the hell is going on….not out there,” she snapped but quickly calmed and patted her chest.

“I don’t know what the hell is going on in here. It’s like Amani all over again, and I feel so….selfish.”

“Because? Why the fuck is caring about her selfish?

“That’s just it, Alex. It’s all about me. Not Beseema….Not even Amani….it’s about me. How I feel…I don’t want to feel this way, Al. I hate it,” she sighed and turned away slightly as the tears began to drift down her cheek.

“You don’t want to love the new because you’re afraid she’ll be taken away like the old? Like Amani… like…” he paused as her eyes widened once again in sad realization.

“It’s okay, partner.” Alex nodded and patted her on the wrist once again. He pointed to the untouched glass of water on the table in front of her.

“Slow, Darla….slow,” he urged as she took a long sip of water.

“You’re ….I’m sorry this hurts so much, Dar. First Amani and now the woman you don’t even know? But it’s not just about them. You…”

“Mom….I’m so scared, Alex…. We just …”

“I know, kid.”

---

Jo Bianchi’s apartment later that evening….

Jo had just settled into the sofa; an old dog-eared copy of The Great Divorce opened up by a book-spreader in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. Her cell phone rang. Placing both book and mug on the table in front of her, she clicked the phone on.

“Yes? Oh…. Alex. How are you?” Jo smiled as she tilted her head in anticipation.

“Why, yes…. Are you…oh please, Alex. You’re my niece’s best friend.” She laughed but quickly added,

“I can’t think of anyone I respect more than you, Alex…. Really!” She nodded as if he was standing in front of her.

“Go ahead. I’m sorry. I really am serious. You’ve been as much a member of her family as I have. Probably as much a brother as anyone could be. And you’ve had her back for a long time.” Jo hadn’t meant to get so personal, and certainly didn’t want to embarrass him, so she was glad he wasn’t face to face with her. Her nostrils flared and her face got hot.

“Yes….Oh God, if it weren’t for you?”

She sighed. It was almost like Alex was a brother to Darla, since they both were brave and strong and completely insecure about their character. Jo shook her head and blinked back a few tears. As confident as she was in nearly every other part of her life, she still remained vet shaky in the relationship department.

“I’d say I can’t thank you enough, but you already know how much I appreciate how much you care for Darla. But even then? “ She paused.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but there’s almost no need to thank…. Yes…. Exactly…. Because you care for her like she was your own….” Jo smiled, trying at the same time to keep from crying.

“Oh, gosh, yes. You are like one of the family….” She immediately regretted those words.

“Anyway, to answer your question? A day game at Citi Field sound pretty non-threatening to me.”

“Damn,” she thought; nearly blurting it out. Even talking about non-threats was threatening.

“Ah…. I’ve got an evening off next Sunday. Hell, I’ll even spring for the overpriced hot dogs and twelve dollar …oh shit… I’m sorry…. You didn’t? Okay…. What? Pat La Frieda's after the game? Uh….okay….”

Loud sports bar equals innocuous, who-cares-if-we-can’t hear meal. She breathed out a sigh relief.

“Okay… noon? Uhh…okay… See you here … yeah… Love you…” She clicked off her cell and hoped the last two words were only from a doting aunt to her niece’s best friend. And then she curse herself for not wanting more than being just a good friend to a man she had grown to love.

---

At Thursday morning; a brief moment for coffee while on patrol…

“You hear anything more, kid” Darla winced from the endearment. She wasn’t a kid at all, but she felt like one. Like she was still a little boy waiting for her father to get home to hear of how bad a boy she was. Alex picked up on her frustration.

“I’m sorry Darla. This has to be so hard.”

“It’s… that’s alright. I feel like I am behaving like a kid. But it’s just so hard not knowing….”

“You want a lift to your mother’s place?”

“Maybe drop me off at the florist’s up the street. I need to walk for a bit okay?” Alex nodded and started the cruiser. A few minutes later they were at curbside across the street from the florist.

“Give me a call or maybe we can talk before shift tomorrow, okay.” With that Alex waved and drove off.

---

I want you to be happier than me
I'm a poor example of a carefree human being
Here's a list of things I wish to be
Your pillow and your blanket and your life time guarantee

At Louise Farnetti’s apartment, a while later…

“I’m stuck, Mom.”

“I don’t know what you expect me to do about it,” Louise snapped. Darla frowned but put her hand on her mother’s arm.

“I’m not expecting you to do anything.” Darla said but quickly added,

“I’m sorry. I just want someone… “

“To just listen, Mom.”

“You have Jo?” Louise asked ; torn between relief and jealousy over her sister’s love for Darla.

“Yes, but…”

“I know. I don’t deserve… You should have had….” Darla shocked her mother and relied,

“Yes, Mom, I should have…. But up …up to the point where this all started coming out? You tried to be there for me. I know this hasn’t been easy to understand.”

“But you’re my… I should have understood. I should have accepted you.”

“We can’t…. we don’t need to relive the past, Mom. I’m just glad….” Darla paused and shook her head.

“It’s not fair. We’re just beginning to get to know each other.” Darla had resisted the urge to cry. The urge? The need to weep over what had been wasted and nearly irretrievably lost had kept her walking around the neighborhood until she had the strength to deal with the loss to come. But the tears began to spill off her cheek onto Louise’s wrist.

“Aldo…oh damn…. Darla…” Louise put her hand to her face; she was blushing and she had tears in her eyes.

“It’s okay, Mom. You’ve been calling me Aldo all your life….”

“No, D…Darla…it’s not okay…it never will be okay. I want you…. You are my daughter. I just took too damn long to tell you…”

“I know Mom. That’s why it hurts so much. Because you know and now….”

“But don’t you see? If it weren’t for this… “ Louise used her hand in a broad gesture. She touched the scarf that covered her bare scalp. Darla noticed that her mother’s skin had become almost transluscent.

“If I didn’t get sick I wouldn’t become desperate. And if I didn’t become desperate I would never have realized just what I have.” She smiled and touched Darla’s cheek.

“But now…. “

“But now we finally have each other….”

“Mommy…” Darla gasped. She wiped the tears from her face and kissed Louise on the palms of her hands.

“Mommy…. Don’t go….Please,” she said haltingly.

Louise pulled Darla into an awkward hug. Mother and daughter at last, for however long that would last.

“I will fight this as long as I can. I didn’t even care when the doctor….when….” Louise pulled back and held Darla at arms’ length and smile.

“But now?” She shook her head and embraced her daughter again; stroking Darla’s hair while she softly repeated something Darla hadn’t heard since she was little.

“Mommy’s here… shhhh….shhhh….. Mommy’s here.”

---

Someday, I'll stop tryin' and I'll know
How much time I've wasted always wanting more
I doubt you'll end up where you need to be with me
I tend to run in circles while I swim in my own sea
I can run and play and dive into the ocean
I can touch the sand and feel it slip away

Pat LaFrieda's Chop House, Sunday afternoon...

“Not as loud as I expected,” Jo said as she looked around the restaurant. The Sunday evening crowd hadn’t arrived, so to speak and the place was half-empty; leaving her wondering what to say now that there was a very good chance she would be heard.

“Yeah,” Alex said as he stared at his menu. He took a gulp of water and turned his attention to her.

“The game was good,” he said.

“Yes.”

“DeGrom is a great pitcher.”

“Yes he is.” Jo turned her own attention to the menu; staring absent-mindedly at the drink selection. But even a beer in front of a recovering alcoholic wasn’t a good thing. Their waitress returned to the table.

“Need more time?”

“How about a coffee for me and a Stella for my friend?” Alex said. As the waitress walked away, he smiled.

“I know you want to be polite. Thanks, but I’m okay. That is quite considerate of you, though.”

“Too many missteps with others, I guess. “

“We’re adults, Jo. I guess we both know the score….how many years have I run around in circles?” His half-frown turned to a wry grin.

“You’re awfully anxious, and I’m sorry to put you in that position, but you …. You can relax. I do bite?” An odd turn of an old phrase. Instead of being taken aback, Jo smiled and arched an eyebrow in thought.

“I take that to mean you’re dangerous? Unsafe? Or just marginally playful?” She laughed.

“It’s rude to ask a woman her age, but since you already told me a while back that you’re seven years older than me? You’re still a very attractive woman,” he chuckled.

“Oh, I’m a joke, eh?” She said, but the smile on her face grew.

“You can’t kid a kidder, Miss Bianchi! I know you’re not insulted and I also know you don’t actually mind being complimented. As someone once said…sorta? ‘You should be complimented…and often by someone who knows how to compliment.’” To that point, the conversation had been playful, but the implications of the paraphrase made Jo very uncomfortable; both for what it said but also what it didn’t say.

“So, yes, Miss Bianchi. You’re older than me and that doesn’t make a damn bit of difference. And you’re attractive, which I hope means more than a bit of difference to you.” He reached out and touched her hand; sending an odd jolt up her arm. She pulled her hand back and pursed her lips; putting her head down.

“But we have to talk, okay?”

“Talk? I thought we were talking,” she said; stopping in mid-sentence as she realized she was speaking out loud instead of just thinking.

“Yes, but I guess it’s that we need to talk….more.” He laughed, but his expression was almost flat.

“I’m sorry, Jo, but between the odd dinner with Darla or meeting you at a police thing she invited you to, we’ve only really known each other through her. But that’s just it.” He paused and it was his turn to be nervous.

“Alex…uh….” Jo stammered, putting up her hand.

“Where are you going with this?” She looked away. She knew exactly where he was going, and as much as she wanted to follow, she was afraid. He touched her hand again.

“For starters? I’m sitting here with you after a very long afternoon in the hot sun and instead of being pulled again into wanting a drink I’m happy and relaxed. Maybe that’s not a good way of putting it. First, one’s an addiction and the other?” He grabbed her hand gently.

“Yes, you are intoxicating, I guess, but that’s not what I really want to say.”

“You don’t know me…Alex? You don’t know me one bit.”

“No, I don’t. That’s usually why people start dating. To get to know each other?”

“Is that what this is? A date?” Jo shook her head slightly; almost denying her denial. She tried to smile, but her face wouldn’t cooperate; leaving her with a disappointing half-frown. Alex took his attention away from her hand and looked up; seeing her frustration.

“If you don’t mind. Yes. A date. The first of several I hope.” He smiled warmly; leaving her feeling awkward and ashamed.

“You know about me, Alex,” she apologized.

“And? I’m not good at short-term memory stuff on occasion, but I still seem to remember saying something about you being attractive.”

“You’re just saying that…”

“Stop, Jo,” he said abruptly. He went to continue, but the waitress had returned; placing their drinks on the table.

“Need more time, hon?” The waitress said with a flirty wink. Alex handed her the menus.

“Two steaks, medium rare with mushrooms. She’ll have the rice and zucchini and I’d like the garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus.” He nodded at Jo and smiled back at the waitress - Danni by her name tag.

“Thanks.” Danni walked away and Alex returned his attention to Jo’s hand; stroking it gently.

“How’d you know?” Jo watched as the waitress walked into the kitchen and then back at Alex.

“Just a guess.” He shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

“Anyway…where was I? Oh, yes. Queens, if I recall. A nice restaurant with an attractive lady.” At the word lady, Jo pulled away with a start. It had taken years getting used to people finally using the correct pronouns since she had felt inauthentic even after her friends got it right. But this was way too much to take in. Lady?

“You… I don’t think I can do this, Alex.” Jo got up and walked quickly to the restroom. After a few minutes she returned and sat down quietly; her face red from God knows what.

“Ironic,” Alex said with a soft laugh. Jo shook her head; embarrassed yes but coming out of it so to speak.

“Channeling Bugs Bunny? Ain’t it?” She forced a laugh, but her face darkened.

“I’m sorry. It’s just that you’re having such a hard time accepting yourself… at least today…. And this place must have known.”

“I don’t get it? What?” She shook her head but followed his gesture as he pointed to the restroom.

“Even they know.” She continued to look puzzled until she noticed the sign on the door.

“Ladies Room” Her face remained red but she laughed a bit. Alex smiled back at her and said finally,

“Ahhhhh….ain’t it the truth?”

You could follow me
I don't know where I'm goin'
You could follow me
You could follow me
It might not be the smartest thing to do
But you could follow me, ahh

It might not be the smartest thing to do
But you could follow me, ahh, ahh
If I ever stop believing there's a reason for my life
I might as well stop trying to make sense of what is right
You could follow me

Next: Stay

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Follow Me
Words and Music by the performer
Sarah Bettens
www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOrFrK7Wvcc