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Chapter 22 The Inevitable Outcome

I was pleased when I noticed that Mum and Aunt Emma had joined the little group of onlookers to our Bunny Hop session the morning after we’d left Venice. I was content to be seen by Mum to be doing something useful, which was clearly enjoyed by the kids involved. I was also happy that I was dressed fairly conservatively in a black dress, although as usual, I was wearing makeup and with my hair now flowing freely once again. Once we’d finished the session Carol and Beth went to speak to Aunt Emm whilst I approached Mum.

‘Hi, Mum,’ I said giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, ‘are you feeling better this morning?’

I wanted to be friendly and caring towards her: to make it clear from the outset that Ally was a different person from Alex, and there might be some benefits to her having a daughter rather than a son.

‘Yes I slept well last night, thank you, in spite of everything,’ she said.

I tried not to rise to the bait.

‘By everything, I suppose you’re referring to me,’ I answered with a smile.

She didn’t respond directly.

‘Do you always wear makeup when you’re not performing?’ she asked.

‘Well didn’t you do so, when you were my age?’

She didn’t respond but I could see what she was thinking. If we weren’t careful, we’d soon be shouting at one another once again.

‘Let’s not start rowing again, you’re here to enjoy yourself,’ I offered.

‘I was wondering when and where we might have a talk, in private.’

‘I’m due to meet up for a choir practice now and after lunch I’ve promised to give the girl that I share a cabin with an English lesson. Why don’t you come along to our performance this afternoon at three o’clock in the Small Music Room. After that I’ll be free for a couple of hours before I need to get ready for our evening show. We could talk privately in our dressing room as soon as Carol and Beth have changed.’

‘Alright then.’

‘In the meanwhile, why don’t you and Aunt Emm relax and enjoy the ship; you are on holiday, after all.’

I checked with Beth and Carol that it would be alright for Mum and I to have our discussion in the dressing room after our afternoon performance. They both promised to get changed quickly and take my Aunt away for a while, leaving the two of us alone. We had previously arranged to wear the little black dresses with sequinned bodices for this show. These were the ones that the previous incarnation of the Bunnies had bought for themselves. They were prettier and more sparkly than anything Mum had seen me wear up to then, and came with strappy high-heeled sandals. I didn’t think she would approve but there was nothing I could do about that. She now knew about the Bunnies and there was plenty of material on the various social media showing me wearing much worse.

‘Is everything alright with you, Ally,’ asked George as we were setting up for our afternoon performance, that day.

‘I hope so but maybe you’d better ask me that question at the same time tomorrow, for the definitive answer,’ I replied as I noticed that my mother and my aunt had taken their seats in the audience.

George quickly checked that everyone was ready before he ran his finger across the length of the keyboard creating an opening effect. James then began playing the opening chords of a Cyndi Lauper number which I’d asked to include in today’s programme as I knew it was one of my mother’s favourites from when she was my age, just as it had been revived by Miley Cyrus for my generation. I came in as the lead singer.

‘I come home in the morning light
My mother says when you gonna live your life right
Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones.
And girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun.’

I exchanged a broad grin with George as Beth and Carol then came in with a re-iteration of the chorus.

‘And girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun.’

Now that George and I were on good terms again the Bucks and the Bunnies seemed to be on top form with a number of new titles and arrangements in our repertoire.

‘At least both mothers have had a chance to see us perform at our best,’ commented Carol to me at one point.

‘It would be nice if they would come along to one of our evening shows or perhaps our weekly performance in the theatre when we could really show what we’re capable of,’ I replied.

‘Well they’ll have plenty of opportunity to do so over the next week.’

Once we’d completed our afternoon session I was approached by a couple of the keenest teenage girls from that morning’s Bunny Hop who wanted to chat with me about their ambitions to become singers. This was a little awkward for me but I liked to encourage our young fans whenever possible and Mum and Aunt Emma seemed happy enough to wait. In the end, the only way I was able to excuse myself was by promising that if they came along to the next Bunny Hop, I’d be happy to accompany them whilst they performed. Whilst this was happening Beth and Carol quickly got themselves changed, as promised, and had returned by the time I was free.

‘Mum, would you like to join Beth and me for a walk around the sun decks?’ asked Carol.

‘Yes, I should like that,’ she replied, getting up.

We all five of us realised why the invitation had been restricted to Aunt Emma. As soon as they were gone I turned to my mother and smiled.

‘I’m going to have to change out of my costume, but I won’t take long if you want to come with me to our dressing room. We should be able to have a private conversation there without being overheard or interrupted.’

Mum nodded and followed me to the dressing room and took a seat. I could feel her watching me closely as I kicked off my high-heeled sandals and slipped out of my dress; but I was determined that I wasn’t going to feel embarrassed about changing in front of her.

‘What has happened to your penis?’ she asked suddenly, noticing the absence of any bulge under my knickers.

It sounded more like an accusation than a question.

‘Don’t worry, it’s tucked neatly away, out of sight. I’ve become quite an expert at hiding it,’ I replied in a matter-of-fact way.

She didn’t respond.

‘So what did you think of the Honey Bunnies?’ I asked, trying to lighten the atmosphere as I put my stage costume onto a hanger and stowed it away in the wardrobe.

At the same time I took out the blue dress that Maria had given to me, which I’d chosen to wear for this afternoon as I knew that Mum would consider it to be smart.

‘You were good; all three of you,’ Mum responded. Then, after a momentary hesitation, she added, ‘but especially you.’

We were doing our best to be polite to one another - at least to begin with.

‘Thank you,’ I responded with a smile.

‘I’d no idea that you could sing like that.’

‘I used to practice at home when you were both out at work, as I didn’t think you’d approve.’ I admitted.

‘Did you sometimes put on my dresses?’ she asked, as if she’d suddenly come to a realisation.

‘I did my best not to get them dirty, and put them back where I’d found them’ I admitted, blushing.

She sighed.

‘I thought it was the maid who’d moved them,’ she said quietly.

‘Maybe if you’d spent less time socialising with your friends and more time with your family, you would have realised.’ I thought, but didn’t say so.

All the expats in Bahrain tended to socialise, especially the wives, as there was not much else for them to do. I stepped into the blue dress and pulled it up over my shoulders and fixed the hook and eye at the top.

‘Please would you zip me up at the back, Mum.’ I asked.

She did so. I put on a pair of smart looking court shoes and quickly ran a brush through my hair.

‘So you’re not wearing a wig,’ she commented.

‘No, they’re bonded hair extensions that will stay in place for the whole summer.’

‘And your eyelashes?’ she asked.

‘They’re glued on and will remain so for as long as the natural lashes last.’

Mum gave a disapproving sigh; but she was going to have to do better than that if she really wanted to make me feel bad about myself!

‘The gel nail tips can stay for as long as I wish,’ I said holding out one hand for her to see.

Unfortunately I’d removed the cute nail art bunnies the night before meeting her at the airport, but my nails were nicely manicured and polished, all the same.

‘I’d already noticed them,’ she said, coolly.

She didn’t seem to be in a hurry to begin our discussion and I was determined that I wasn’t going to be made to feel guilty about how I was dressed so I found a lipstick and began to touch up my lips.

‘Where did you learn to use makeup?’ she asked.

I refrained from saying that Carol had taught me as I didn't want to get her in more trouble with Mum.

‘I taught myself the basics from You Tube but my friend Maria has been showing me how to do things properly.’

She looked on without saying anything. At last I felt that I couldn’t put off our discussion any further and so I turned to face her.

‘OK, Mum, I’m all set,’ I said with a smile. ‘What did you want to talk about?’

It was an unnecessary question but did serve to focus our discussion and she seemed willing to start things off in a reasonably civilised manner.

‘I suppose I should tell you that you look nice dressed as a girl,’ she began.

‘I suppose I should thank you for that grudging compliment,’ I replied with a trace of sarcasm.

‘Here we go,’ I thought to myself, but Mum rather smiled at my response.

‘Alright then, you do look most attractive and convincing as a girl.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, acknowledging the compliment. 'Nobody ever commented about how I looked as a guy.'

‘And I do like that dress.’

‘I thought that you would; it was given to me by Maria, the girl that I share a cabin with.’

‘Does she know about Alex?’

‘Yes, of course; she’s been teaching me how to look my best as Ally. She fixed the hair and nail extensions for me.’

‘I’m not sure that I approve of your friends and your cousin encouraging you to live as a girl.’

‘Nobody has encouraged me to do anything against my will or against my better judgment,' I replied.

She decided to change the subject.

‘What about this so-called ‘boyfriend’ mentioned by that woman when I signed in yesterday?’

‘She was referring to George, the keyboard player in our band. We’ve been working together on a couple of musical projects. We get on well together but it isn’t as if we’re “an item” or anything like that,’ I responded, not entirely accurately, but I wasn’t sure how to describe the status of our relationship.

‘Does he know?’ asked Mum.

‘Know what?’ I responded, playing dumb.

‘About Alex.’

‘Of course he knows. Everyone that I live and work closely with knows about Alex, but nobody else on the ship does. That’s why it’s so important to us to keep his existence a secret. If it were to become common knowledge we’d all probably lose our jobs.’

‘So are you gay?’

This was the first time either of my parents had discussed my sexuality with me although apparently they’d had their anxieties on this matter ever since I told them that I wanted to be a girl.’

‘I don’t know; I don’t feel gay,’ I replied.

I wanted to add, ‘I just feel like a normal woman,’ but thought better of it.

‘George and I are just good friends although I enjoy the kudos that comes with having a boyfriend on board,’ I replied with a self-satisfied smile.

Mum didn’t seem to approve of the idea.

‘Normal young men don’t go around dressing and acting as if they were women.’

I knew this was coming.

‘I’ve never felt like a normal young man.’ I replied.

She didn’t respond but rather hesitated, as if in thought.

‘I do wonder when and where it will end, though.’

I wasn’t clear whether she was referring to the ‘Honey Bunnies’ or to ‘Ally’ by that comment? For the moment it suited me to assume it was the former.

‘We’ve signed up for five cruises, which will take us until mid-September. Carol and Beth will then have to return to their University courses.’

‘And what about you?’ she asked.

‘I’ll have to look for another job,’ I replied.

I needed to give her something, though.

‘You’ll be pleased to know that I intend to apply for a university place for the academic year 2015/6.’

This was the news that she’d been most anxious to hear.

‘I’m relieved to know that you intend to continue with your education, but why not start in September of this year?’

‘I’ve left things late to apply for this year and probably wouldn’t get into a course of my choice. In any event I'll need a year out of education to sort myself out.’

I didn’t specify exactly why I might need a year to sort myself out, assuming that she would ask, but she didn’t.

‘What subject will you apply for?’ she asked instead.

‘I’ve always been fairly good with languages and have recently discovered an interest in linguistics which I’d like to pursue at university. In the nine weeks that I’ve been working as a girl, I’ve noticed that my own use of language has changed, and the way that people talk to me is different. I’ve also been helping my friend Maria to learn English which has given me an interest in the way that different languages are structured.’

‘What kind of career would that equip you for?’

‘I’d quite like to spend some time overseas teaching English as a foreign language, but I’d need a teaching qualification once I’ve completed my degree.’

‘Would you have good enough grades to gain entry to a linguistics course?’ she asked.

‘I believe so.’

‘Are you planning to apply to either Oxford or Cambridge?’

I knew that this was her principal ambition for me so she would once again have ‘bragging rights’ among her ex-pat friends in Bahrain.

‘I expect so, as long as one of them would be willing to accept me as Ally.’

‘You mean you want to go to University dressed as a girl!’ she asked looking both surprised and perturbed.

Maybe she wouldn’t be able to have bragging rights after all. She’d clearly assumed that Ally was just a temporary aberration, a summer indiscretion that would soon be hushed-up and never spoken of again.

‘I wouldn’t just go to university ‘dressed as a girl’, as you say. Most of them have policies for dealing with transgendered students undergoing transition. I’ll have to apply in Alex’s name but I intend to make it clear at the outset that I’ll be living in the female gender throughout my course and wish to graduate as Alexandra.’

‘And then what?’ she asked in a horrified voice.

‘I’ll aim to get a teaching qualification, look for a job, and live the remainder of my life …. as a woman.’

‘You are suggesting that you want to spend the rest of your life pretending to be a girl?’ she said as if she couldn’t quite believe her ears.

I hated that word - ‘pretending’ - which I found to be insulting.

‘Once I’ve been living as a woman full-time for two years I’ll be able to apply to change my name and legal status.’

Mum didn’t seem to be very impressed by this news.

‘Don’t you think that you ought to take a little more time to consider the potential implications of such a drastic step?’

‘It’s nearly ten weeks since I first dressed as Ally and I’ve never before felt so positive about my life. I’m certain that it is the right decision for me.’

‘Ten weeks is no time at all to be making decisions that will impact on the rest of your life.’

‘I don’t envisage doing anything about it until mid-September,’ I lied, not now thinking it the right time to mention the hormones.

‘But that’s only a few weeks away.’

‘Mum, I’ve been dreaming about this for more than ten years, although I’ve only recently realised that it might be possible for me to do!’

‘But you are only just eighteen.’

‘Eighteen is old enough to know what is right for me. I’ve been reading about far younger people than me being allowed to transition whilst they were still at school when it would have been so much easier to do so. I tried to explain to you and Dad how I felt when I was nine, but you didn’t listen to me.’

‘It wasn’t that we didn’t listen but we thought that it was a passing phase and that you’d eventually grow out of it.’

‘You were wrong. Other parents listened more carefully and took the trouble to find out more about what their children might be going through.’

This observation clearly upset her.

‘You didn’t say anything after that one time.’

‘That was because I trusted you. I thought that one day I’d wake up as a normal young man and forget all about these feelings; only it never happened. I assumed it must be my fault, that there must be something wrong with me.’

‘But you never said you were unhappy and you always did well at school.’

‘Mum, I was desperately unhappy. I worked hard at school to take my mind off the fact that I’d no friends and my parents didn’t want to take the trouble to understand how I was feeling. I wanted you to be proud of me.’

Mum was becoming annoyed.

‘I don’t see that pretending to be a girl is going to help you or make us proud of you.’

Now it was my turn to get angry.

‘It’s not pretending! It is being able to live the life that I should have done. Now I’m eighteen, you can’t stop me from doing so.’

‘What about us, don’t you think that your father and I deserve some consideration? How do you think we’ll feel about having a son who lives as a woman?’

Now we were getting to the crux of the matter.

‘So you want me to ruin the rest of my life, to lose any chance of future happiness, merely to save you from embarrassment?’ I said with a mixture of amazement and resentment.

She was about to say something in response, but stopped herself. Neither of us said anything for a while, but after ten seconds or so she began again.

‘Alright Alex, I won’t say anything more about this whilst we’re on board the ship together, but you shouldn’t expect any financial support from your father and me if you continue with this foolishness.’

‘I’ve asked you not to refer to me as Alex,’ I replied coolly.

She didn’t respond.

‘Well of course that will be up to you to decide,’ I continued. ‘I should be able to apply for a student loan and get a job whilst I’m at college to support myself. However, if it comes to the choice of living my life as I wish to do, or continuing with my education, then I know which one I will choose; even if that does mean losing contact with my parents.’

I’d been feeling more emotional about my situation recently and knew that if I stayed any longer I was going to burst into tears.

‘Mum, this conversation is getting us nowhere. I have things I need to do,’ I said and left making for my cabin, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to follow me there.

‘Alex!’ she called out as I left the room, but I ignored her, promising myself that I’d never again acknowledge that name.

I might have won the first skirmish with Mum yesterday, but had had to make a tactical retreat today.

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