Secondhand Life - Part 30

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When I arrived at the rehearsal studio Eoin was already there chatting amiably with Kirk and a bunch of the USC kids. I really didn't know much about Kirk or Eoin's history, and I presume Katherine never gave it any thought, but judging by their easy banter, I guessed they knew each other from way back.... probably from their musical theater days back east. They seemed to be regaling the USC students with war stories, and it was immediately apparent that this group was quickly fusing into a team.

I breezed in, trying not to disturb the social dynamic... but it was futile. Katherine always disturbed the social dynamic, if only from her gaunt, towering presence. She was impossible to ignore. Which is what made her iconic, but as I had learned, also made it impossible to just disappear into the background and observe people interacting. I was surprised to find myself missing L.C's invisibility. I had never appreciated its positive aspects until I lost it as Katherine, who was always a center of attention.

Eoin and Kirk were speaking in shorthand about getting the project started, but from what I could pick up, they wanted to get underway this very day... if I approved of their choice of the intern documentary crew – which I did without reservation. I had no idea what I was doing, and none of the candidates gave off a warning vibe, so I trusted their choices completely. Kirk asked about 'that photographer' I wanted to bring on, and I got a raised eyebrow from Eoin. I just nodded slightly and saw his curious gaze give way to an amused smile.

“I met him the other day. He seems like a good kid. Very sharp. And as we can all tell from the game footage, definitely qualified.” He said to Kirk while looking at me. “Still.... I don't know how Katherine found him.” he grinned.

Okay. I had to come clean. At least somewhat.

“Actually he found ME. Before we left for Europe. He was with a bunch of others by my hotel. I managed to shake them all. ...except him. I managed to talk him out of shooting me and we chatted.”

“You talked him out of a photo?” Kirk was incredulous. “What kind of paparazzo is he?”

“An aspiring one” I smiled. “He came to town for school and decided to try the freelance paparazzi thing because he heard it was good money. But he lacked the killer instinct. When I successfully talked him out of the shot, we both realized that. I told him I'd make it up to him, but never gave a thought to how. Then yesterday I found myself on his campus... AND he and his friends had wandered over to the field to see what all the commotion was. So when he came up to me, I quietly suggested that he go get his camera....”

“It was a SETUP!” Eoin laughed.

“NO!” I shook my head vehemently, raising a finger. “It was an opportunity ….completely unexpected.... that I recognized and seized. ...And it worked out well for everyone.”

“And if it hadn't?” Eoin stared me down. I was not going to be swayed. I just looked back at him placidly.

“I knew it would. And it did.” and I just stared back at him until he broke the gaze. It was a very un-Katherine thing to do, but it worked. Eoin finally, broke into a grin.

“Yeah, it did.” he said. Then he turned to Kirk. “The kid even took some shots for me to use in the press packet ...IF our film ever gets made.”

“The odds of that happening have to be better than they were a few days ago.” I smiled.

Eoin grinned and nodded. “Yeah. I spoke with Bianca.... she said the studio called her to ask when they could screen the rumored footage.” ...then he made a face and turned to me “...she also... well, she didn't outright accuse me... she just asked if I had been speaking with you.”

“Well... DUH. We're working on this project.”

“That's what I told her.... and she dropped it. But it sounded like something was bothering her...”

“She'll get over it.” I gave him my best Mona Lisa smile.

He just regarded me for a while longer and eventually shrugged. Kirk finally brought us back to the matter at hand.

“So, we're good with the crew we have?”

We nodded. He clapped his hands once. And walked out into the waiting area to address the interns, who wasted no time to grab their gear and start milling around us like insects shooting footage.

“So, Cyril and Colleen are due in tomorrow. I've already gathered some worktracks and charts.” he handed out packets to Eoin and me. “I took the liberty of FedEx-ing these to Colleen and Cyril so they can study on the plane. Most of this you'll know. Some you may remember we rehearsed but never shot. Others got bumped before they even got to you, but..”

“It's kind of an embarrassment of riches here.” I observed, leafing through the thick packet. Eoin nodded his agreement and Kirk just blushed.

“Some of this may still never see the light of day, but I'd rather do stuff we cut than regret not having tried something.”

I looked over at Kirk “You have enough stuff here for Thornbirds – the opera” I teased. Eoin nodded his agreement.

“Or at least Thornbirds the broadway musical!” he grinned at Kirk.

“Yeah. WAY more than that Dinner Theater idea.” I smiled. “At least....” suddenly I got a wicked notion.

I turned to our 'documentary crew' but addressed Kirk.

“Our interns are all embargoed, until the project is released, right?” That got me nervous looks from our crew.

“Uh huh.” Kirk nodded, and gazed at me. “What are you thinking?”

I smiled enigmatically and felt the room stir. I went over to his desk and handed him a legal pad and pen. “I just had a thought. You may want to take notes. I'm kind of putting this together this on the fly.” I smiled.

***

It's remarkable how quickly things can get done with the right people on the job – and the right people writing the checks. Dez was convinced almost immediately and the studio and their corporate parent shortly after that. The marketing people were eager to work with us, especially once they heard 'the plan'. We had lists of everyone who had pre-ordered 'Birds DVDs through the distributor's site and even managed to get Amazon to blindly forward our marketing blast to their own qualifying pre-order customers for a small slice of the action.

What 'qualified' people was that they had to be local... within 50 miles. That was still a much larger list than I had expected. Far more than what we needed – or could even handle. Still, we didn't expect to get 100% response, so this scheme could still fall through.

I was startled at how positive the response was – especially since we were extremely vague about what we were offering 'Alpha Fans' invitations TO. The only thing we were specific about was the date. We obliquely inferred that it was some kind of 'Birds related thank-you event to the fans who made the film such a meme. I suspected that most fans would expect a Rocky Horror style fan screening or directors cut... maybe with some cast members present since it DID appear to be sponsored by the studio & the invitation came 'personally' from Dez Lehmann.

It was guerrilla marketing done right. Quickly the fansites were buzzing about this thing, and it was near certain that there would be gate crashers IF we had breathed a word about where this 'mystery event' was. As it stood, it seemed that some superfans were already making their way to LA even though they had specifically NOT been invited due to distance.

The marketing crew actually had to work hard to tamp down expectations, since the social media rumor machine was going wild with speculation.

Still, it tickled me to observe that no one came even close to what we actually had planned.

72 hours is a ridiculously short time to go from legal pad to signed contracts, booked venues, rehearsed musicians and PR machine primed and ready to race. It really helps when the coroporate parent of the film distributor also has a division that's a 700-lb gorilla in the live performance business. We had clout. We had cash. We had everything but time. This was so zero-latency as to be nearly improvisational. Still, I knew we had a crew that could think on their feet. Cyril, Eoin and Colleen were all long time live theater veterans, used to course-correcting when faced with the unexpected. Our musicians were the best of the best among a city renowned for its talent pool. The only real wildcard in this bunch, was ….me. Actually, Katherine. Who had NO track record in live performance except for that one amazing night in Vienna. But I think because of that ….and maybe that this crazy scheme was all my idea... Katherine was given a major pass by everyone who was on the lookout for ways this could fall apart.

My favorite part of this scheme was that everyone was obsessed and focused on their little piece of the puzzle. Some people like Dez and the studio suits had a bigger picture, but no one knew ALL the puzzle pieces. Except the lunatic who thought up the whole crazy idea in the first place!

***

The superfans – and expected gate crashers swarmed the Dolby Theater at 5PM as directed. Those with valid credentials were permitted inside, and once we knew how short we were, we sent 'scouts' outside into the fan mob to discreetly hand-select folks who were enthusiastic, but well behaved.

The doors closed, the event presumably begun, and security began clearing loiterers from around the front of the theater. Meanwhile, the lights came down and Dez took the stage to thunderous applause. Once the applause settled down, he thanked everyone for joining him on his 'mystery date' and brought up the house lights as he introduced the documentary crew and reminded everyone that the agreement they had clicked to receive their invite was also a release – as they obviously knew from reading what they agreed to. That brought a laugh. Then he seriously gave anyone who did NOT want to possibly be included in the documentary an opportunity to leave then and there. No one did.

He then surprised the crowd by asking them to leave their seats and proceed to the lobby, where they were directed to a fleet of large buses. Once underway, one of the 'Birds cast appeared at the front of each bus and took the 'tour guide' mic. This surprised and apparently delighted the fans. At least on the bus I was on. Each of us wore a gaudy 'Camp Drogheda' t-shirt, cargo shorts and hiking boots.

“Thanks for coming out to play with us, campers!” I chirped into the mic, startling the bus full of fans, who seemed to take a moment to recognize me, then erupted into enthusiastic – if bewildered – applause.

“Mr Lehmann already mentioned the defacto likeness release you agreed to when you signed up for this event. I'd also like to remind you of the paragraph outlining your commitment to the year of indentured servitude in the sheep farms of North Dakota.” That brought a stir of anxious confusion.

“KIDDING!” I smiled and the crowd settled down. I knew we had about a half hour ride and hoped that by then they would get my sense of humour.

“Sorry for the fake-out at the theater. Just a way to keep the uninvited away. AND to make things a little more of ...an adventure. It's a lovely evening for a ride ...and anything else we have planned... we're still a short while away, so we could sing camp songs or just talk.... Is there anyone on this bus who hasn't seen the movie?” It was no surprise that no one raised their hand.

“How many have seen it twice?” A sea of hands. “Three times? ...Four? ...Five? Six?.... OK, you got me. I was just trying to trick you into exercise.” I kidded throwing my arms into the air as if exploding into a jumping jack. Not a move I'd recommend to anyone my size who finds themselves on a bus. I crashed into the ceiling and winced at the competing pains from each of my hands and my head/neck. “THIS is why we hire stunt people!” I exclaimed while rubbing my neck. Somehow, that seemed to relax everyone on the bus, evaporating their star-struck shyness, and the rest of our short trip went well.

My distraction seemed to work, because while we chatted, people had apparently not been paying attention to where we were going... and as we arrived at the Hollywood Bowl, their surprise seemed genuine. I handed each passenger a yellow Camp Drogheda T-Shirt as they left the bus and milled toward the gates.

We had to pull some serious strings to get a venue – and musicians – on such short notice, but favors were called - or promised – checks were written, and where necessary, clout was exercised. The only thing we couldn't influence was the weather – which is why everyone met at the Dolby – our bad weather backup site. Thankfully nature smiled on us and we knew by that morning that the original outdoor concert plan was a go.

The venue was originally idle for the evening, due for some minor maintenance and prep before a big Korean popstar was due to come in and tape a TV special at the start of her American tour. We managed to work with the venue and promoters to free up the evening – by hiring three full crews to do the work of one in half the time, carving out space for our guerrilla performance.

Kirk seemed to know everyone. Or he at least knew people who knew people and managed to wrangle much of the L.A. Phil on one of their off nights. Some had commitments and couldn't help, but were easily subbed by session players from the deep and talented local music ranks.

I suspect what attracted them as much as the scale-plus of this last minute, potentially viral gig, and the fact that it was a tremendous networking opportunity, was that Kirk had 'warned' them ...teased them actually... that since everything was coming together SO fast, that much of this gig would be almost like a jam. A 116 piece orchestral improvisation – they would know the basics, the setlist and possible alternates, all the 'extras' were standards they were familiar with. They would be provided with rudimentary charts but would have zero rehearsal time on the 'possible detours'.

Most of these folks were already quite familiar with the 'Birds score and had been involved in the film score tracking or recording the 'temp tracks' Kirk had put together for the soundtrack album. The other stuff, he hinted, were all warhorses from films and Broadway classics.

He gave them enough vague notes that they knew what they might be called upon to play, and his 'skeleton charts' laid out anything they could expect to be hit with. But most of the 'extra' stuff had absolutely NO arrangement. Kirk assuring – and maybe challenging – every one of the 116 musicians he personally phoned, that he believed that they were up for this unprecedented challenge, and could be a crucial part of 'making magic – and history'. It was an awesome peptalk. I witnessed him giving it repeatedly as I overheard him from his office. He would occasionally glance at me with excitement – and maybe a touch of trepidation – he had heard the Vienna recordings, and was quite familiar with Eoin Colleen and Cyril's talents. I think his biggest concern was whether I was just the fortunate recipient of 'beginners luck' in Vienna. I wondered the same thing. We would both soon find out.

The evening's program was WAY more ambitious than Vienna – and with even less rehearsal! If my co-conspirators – all seasoned musical theater vets – had any concerns, they hid them masterfully. We were all riding on an adrenaline rush. Kirk was leading our hastily assembled orchestra and quickly whipped them into performing shape. Though considering the pedigree of the players, that was really more a confirmation than a surprise. Our intern documentary crew was discreetly milling around the venue, capturing footage of everyone preparing, while others were out in the crowd chatting with the still perplexed and overwhelmed audience who were trying to guess exactly WHAT they were about to see.

Finally, as the sun set and the lights rose on the shell, Dez took the stage and introduced himself to thunderous applause – a promising start.... he gave his little speech about how the original cut of the Thornbirds ran about 26 hours, which got the expected laugh, and how every cut he had to make was like throwing one of his children from a lifeboat so that the remaining would survive. He thanked the audience for making 'Birds an even bigger hit than he'd dared dream. Which brought another huge wave of applause. Presumably the fans were applauding themselves.

He then went on to explain that as a 'thank you' to the superfans who made the film exceed the wildest hopes of its creators, the original cast had all been gathered, 'plucked away' he'd put it, from their current roles in theater, TV and movies, to reprise – live on stage – 'Birds as he'd originally envisioned it, with all the cut pieces restored. All his 'abandoned children' as he put it, were gathered back together, to be breathed life by the original cast. He also mentioned that there were SO many pieces lost before we even assembled to film, that it was OUR first time performing some of them, and he asked the audience ahead of time, for indulgence, if some of the new stuff was ...a little rough.

Of course we had all run through this stuff at least a few times on our own, but if the audience thought it was a first time tightrope walk with no net, that just made for a more electrifying performance. And if we ….okay, actually me as the only non stage veteran, did screw up, Dez had already set expectations kind of low, so I knew they would cut us a little slack.

The initial set went over really well. The orchestra was marvelous and played with real emotion, maybe because it was only their second or third time going through the entire set, and their first with a live – and very responsive audience.

We launched into the 'extra stuff' – which was really just setting expectations among the superfans for material they'd only be able to hear again by buying the already greatly expanded soundtrack once it was released. They were quite enthusiastic about all the additional numbers. We exhausted Kirk's original material, grabbed hands on stage, made a group bow and thanked everyone for coming and for being 'Bird lovers. We walked off the stage and went our separate ways to hit restrooms, grab a water, maybe sit and catch our breath, and listen to the house monitors for the sounds from the audience mics.

As we had planned, our crowd of superfans was NOT tired, and they were NOT sated. We had counted on shouts for an encore, but no one, not even me, had expected the rhythmic foot stomping. I thought even nearby seismometers would pick that up. It was pretty impressive. And compelling.

Dez and Kirk exchanged nods as he gathered the orchestra to begin heading back to the stage. The applause as they drifted back to their positions was deafening. Dez and I exchanged huge smiles as I joined my grinning colleagues to head for the stage and begin our 'improvisational' segment.

We walked back out on stage and again joined hands in a group bow to hoots and whistles from the darkness beyond the stage. We mock huddled – as rehearsed. Then Eoin & Cyril walked over to 'consult' with Kirk. Their huddle was a bit of brilliant pantomime. The gestures and posing by all three was classic silent movie stuff. Although not a word was overheard, it was clear to the whole audience that they were discussing – and arguing about – what to do for their 'unexpected encore'.

Finally the scrum broke and Eoin and Cyril returned to us beaming.

“God, this is so much FUN.” Cyril whispered to us. “I feel like Douglas Fairbanks!” He exaggeratedly leaned in to Colleen and me, extending his full arm to point at Kirk who was now seemingly briefing the orchestra – who were also doing a great job at feigning shock and anxiety. Eoin was leaning in too, wildly nodding his head at every exaggerated motion Cyril made to us.

“Are we overdoing this?” Cyril quietly asked while motioning like a madman toward the orchestra then sweeping his hand out toward the audience while we all appeared to furrow our brow at what he presumably just told us.

“Absolutely NOT!” I quietly declared while nodding my head and pointing between Colleen and myself, then over to Eoin. I was relishing that my physical actions appeared to be completely contrary to what I was clandestinely saying to my group. “This is perfect!” I said while scowling and shaking my head.

“They're reading our body language and figure we're putting this together on the fly. While I know you all have scary-long resumes, I presume none of you were ever a mime?” I chuckled loudly to indicate my true feelings since my body language appeared to be that of an agitated woman being swept over a cliff by her friends.

“There's no way even the least perceptive person out there won't be thinking what we want them to think, seeing us flailing on stage.” I assured them.

“What f they can read lips?” Cyril muttered.

“Oh shit. I hadn't thought of that.” Eoin gasped, and his face portrayed his true emotions. Fortunately, that still kept with the message we were sending to the audience, that we were anxiously making this up on the fly.

“Unless they have a telescope, it doesn't matter.” I said flatly. “So let's just proceed with the plan. OK, are we good?” And I finally let my own face show my true resolve to move on, since this was the point where the ruse and reality rejoined anyway.

We all nodded and smiled in agreement. Eoin and Cyril went back to Kirk, who had returned to the podium and had been waiting for us to finish our huddle. After they all nodded their concurrence, Kirk seemed to holler something to the orchestra, who all hurriedly turned pages on their music stands, Eoin walked to the mic at center stage and addressed the crowd.

“Thank you so much for your enthusiasm. We actually got so caught up in your acceptance and excitement that we burned through all our material and left nothing for an encore.”

The audience responded... emotionally... it seemed a mixture of disappointment and impatient expectation.

“So, if it's all right with you... we're kind of winging it here... but we've all done a lot of other stuff over the course of our careers” ...then he shot me a pointed look and a wicked grin “..well MOST of us.... but if it's OK by you, and since I think they're all things the band is familiar with...” he glanced to Kirk who nodded – along with various members of the orchestra who were obviously getting into this ruse.... “well, maybe we'd do some other stuff you may know...” and he nodded to Kirk who raised his baton to the orchestra, which immediately launched into 'Time Warp' from Rocky Horror, which drew an immediate roar from the audience. Our 'Broadway Jam' had commenced with a bang - and a jump to the left.... then a step to the right.....

Our veterans had a lot of fun doing warhorses from the Broadway songbook, each of which they had a personal involvement with. As their set went on, I stood by the sidelights looking more and more dejected. Finally after Colleen had finished a rather tongue-in-cheek rendition of “Maria” from Sound of Music, Kirk motioned for me to join them at center stage.

“In all the fun we've been having remembering the great music we've been able to make over the years, I fear we've been leaving someone out.....”

As I walked across the stage, I could hear the roar from the audience, and it moved me like that time at the Ciregna tribute. God, these people truly loved Katherine.

I leaned into the mic Eoin was holding... “No. It's only fair. YOU'RE the Broadway stars... I was just a model... while you were in Playbill, I was in Playboy.”

“YOU were in PLAYBOY!?!” Cyril blurted. That was unplanned, but not unwelcome.

“No, actually.” I shook my head sullenly. "Not really. They complained they'd need an extra fold.”

That brought a laugh from the audience and Cyril snapped his head back as if I'd set him up. I crinkled my eyes and gave him a tiny smile and he relaxed, knowing I just returned his unexpected volley.

Eoin quickly got back on script. “OK... you never did musical theater ….YET...” he shot me a conspiratorial wink. “But it's clear to everyone here that you CAN sing... is there anything you DO know that we can do with you?”

I shrugged. “Sure I love all these songs, and I've heard them a million times... like everyone... but it's not like I've ever studied them or memorized the words.”

He nodded. “Maybe we can help you through if you get stuck. Want to give it a try?”

I shrugged and the audience clapped supportively.

“Well, the last number reminded me that like everyone else I watched the Sound of Music until I wore out the old VHS.... I'm not ready to solo here....um... maybe that duet between Leisl & Rolf?”

Eoin smiled at me and gestured between the two of us questioningly. I nodded. Cyril and Colleen smiled and backed off, observing from the sidelines. Eoin glanced at Kirk, who seemed to address his players... they just looked at each other, shrugging then nodding acting as if this was unplanned. Kirk lifted his baton and the orchestra played a middle C. he looked to Eoin who turned to me. I shrugged. I don't think anyone caught on that this was all worked out in advance.

Kirk waved his hands to set the tempo and count down the players and they broke into “16 going on 17” as I grabbed the mic from Eoin and began to sing, looking into his eyes....

“I am six feet going on seven feet...” I held my poker face as he began to smirk. I instantly threw a look of panic on my face as if I forgot the lyrics. The orchestra went on a bar or two before stopping. I could already hear the titters from the seats in the darkness.

I looked anxiously at Kirk, then at Eoin who regarded me uncertainly – all staged – and said into the mic... “sorry... stage fright... I blanked out...” as Eoin was shaking his head saying 'those aren't the words' while I ignored him. I nodded to Kirk who started the orchestra again. I could already tell by their playing that they were much looser and having more fun. Even though they knew what was going to happen, I think when it actually did it helped them get into it.

I looked to Eoin and sang, more confidently this time

“I am six feet going on seven feet. As you can plainly see....”

Then I put a panicked look on my face, stiffened my back and furrowed my brow as if trying to remember ...or improvise....

“I'm too skinny for double-u NBA, what will become of me....”

Eoin already knew I was going to 'go rogue' but I had not shared specifically how. I could see his chest heaving as he tried to stifle his reaction. On cue, he put his hand up sternly and said as disapprovingly as he could muster “That's NOT how it goes!”

I shrugged. “I remember the music.... not so much the words....”

He was fully back in character by now.... “OK. Forget that. How about something ...more familiar... at least you know your scales, right?”

I nodded sheepishly. He motioned to Kirk who launched the orchestra into the old warhorse and I began to sing.

“D'oh, a think that Homer says...”
“Ray, A futuristic gun...”
“ME, for when you mail to Maine...”
“Fah, wicked long Boston run...”

Eoin was crossing his arms, keeping in character, scowling at me. I was beaming like a proud three year old at a recital.

“SO, the way to spread some seeds”
“LA, this city we all know”
“T, that guy from Rocky three” I winced guiltily at the almost-rhyme.
“Which just lead us back to ….D'oh!” and I muttered it like Homer Simpson as Eoin waved his hands to stop the band.

I heard the audience laughing, then right on cue, I heard a commotion and murmuring down front and watched front of the stage as the lone figure stormed up. Eoin, who had not been briefed about this, startled at the sight and gave me a panicked glance. I just smiled and winked at him as I motioned to wave off two burly security folks who were in on it and appeared to be hurrying to intercept the storming figure.

She ripped the mic out of my hand and went nose to nose with a visibly rattled Eoin.

“Good GOD! How the HELL did she get the role over ME? She doesn't even know any WORDS???”

I yanked the mic out of Bianca's hands and said haughtily “ex-CUSE me.... I know LOTS of words! ….and a few come to mind looking at you!” She smirked almost imperceptibly. “I know ALL the words to Thornbirds...” I turned to the audience “Did I mess anything up.... until we went ...off script?”

I heard a general murmuring from the crowd. I'm not sure that they were buying that this was unplanned, but they still seemed to be into it.

“AND I had to sing it all in Australian!” I said aggressively leaning into her face.

She angrily grabbed my mic back. “So WHAT? I AM Australian!” she bellowed. She was really convincing. I was beginning to wonder if all this indignation was entirely just part of the act.

“Yeah? Well.... you've never done a musical before....”

“Well, neither had YOU!” she shot back. Which made me wonder, what the hell was Dez thinking when he cast Katherine?

“Oh YEAH????” I countered returning her glare. I could tell from the tense silence that the audience, and maybe everyone else on stage who wasn't actually in on it was totally buying this. I only hoped Bianca was secretly having as much fun as I was.

“....well... I was in, like, a dozen music videos!”

“As wallpaper for other bands!”

“Humpph!” I snorted. “I KNOW music... Broadway music... just as much... MORE than you!”

Bianca sneered. I stormed over to a stunned Eoin, who knew this was obviously a setup, but since he wasn't in on it, he was as transfixed as anyone. I pried the mic from his hand and stormed back to Bianca raising it to me as I approached her and launched acapella into “Anything you can do, I can do better” from Annie Get Your Gun.

Bianca was really good, she dove right in on cue as the orchestra seemed to jump in to catch up with us, and the musical sparring began. We really hammed it up and as we finished I did something we hadn't rehearsed. I lifted my hand to my mouth and mimed spritzing two shots of breath spray into my mouth. Dennis had told me this was something Katherine used to do across a room to annoy 'Binaca'. Her head jerked back as if I'd spit at her. Then I turned my imaginary spray towards her and held it like I was macing her ...or spraying a bug. With my other hand I waved to security as they came up to escort her offstage, grabbing her by her bent elbows and hoisting her feet off the floor. This was the slapstick exit we'd discussed, but she feigned annoyance really well. Still from up close, the gleam in her eye betrayed that she was loving this. I thought to myself that she would be great at physical comedy, and maybe our stunt tonight would give someone in this town some new ideas about her range. As she was being spirited offstage, I launched into 'So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu. They gave, the role, to me and not to you....” and as if THEY had rehearsed with us, the audience erupted.

Kirk knew we would end our bit with that song, but nobody had heard my lyrics. Even the orchestra got a little ragged when I sang those.

Eion, Cyril and Colleen rejoined me on stage and we ran through a lot of the other standards we had done in Vienna. Both the performers, audience, and our tireless documentary crew seemed to be having a good time and enjoying the night, but it got rather late, we were only permitted until midnight and we were looking at serious overage fees on the buses we'd leased - not to mention the various unions if the clock turned round to a new calendar day. While Colleen was doing her trademark 'Send in the clowns' with Cyril, I got ready backstage to join Eoin for our last number.

The chestnut 'Wind beneath my wings' was a bit hackneyed, but it really was sincere in a way when I thought of all that Eoin had done for Katherine's career, from by all accounts nurturing her through her performances during the filming of 'Birds, to agreeing to 'the boyfriend thing' from the PR folks... to being an immensely good sport as we barnstormed North America and Europe on the publicity binge. I sang from the heart for everything he did for Katherine, and the tremendous support and camaraderie he had given me while we were on the road.

That did not mean I was above one last 'gotcha', as on the final line of our song, I tugged on the drawstring, dropping my flowing sheath to the floor and revealing a reasonable replica of Ciregna's notorious Victoria's Secret outfit, replete with wings, which thanks to Dennis' amazing connections in the special effects world, not only unfurled spectacularly on cue, but with another discreet tug, worked exactly as planned and enveloped Eoin and I in our embrace as the lights went down.

Well, it looked like an embrace. The moment the wings popped out, I noticed so did Eoin's eyes. His face turned beet red and he stifled any outburst, but I thought for a moment his head might explode.

I saw his legs turn to jelly, so I grabbed him and pulled him tightly to me... which had always been my plan for when I drew the wings around. I just hadn't expected that I'd have to be holding him UP. He was convulsing too hard to stand on his own. Fortunately our mics had already been cut as the orchestra swelled and I turned away from the front of the stage so my left side and back were to the audience with the wings pretty much wrapped around Eoin and me. He buried his head into my right shoulder, which pretty much muffled his shrieks of laughter, and I think with the exception of a few nearby stagehands and perhaps the first row of the orchestra closest to us, no one was the wiser. It just looked like a flamboyant, but fitting end to this over-the-top tribute to our burgeoning camp classic.

I was pleased when we staggered offstage, Eoin still clinging to me like an oversized infant in a defective bjorn. Colleen, Cyril and a few stagehands helped carry him away as Dez just shook his head and grinned from across the way. 'Mission Accomplished?' I mouthed with a thumbs up and a raised eyebrow. He just nodded, grinning from ear to ear as Kirk joined him backstage and huddled to go over the night's events.

The next day, we gathered at Kirk's offices to watch raw footage the USC kids had shot. Although we already knew from the flurry of cellphone videos on Twitter, You Tube and Instagram that there was lots of good stuff, even from seats deep in the audience.

I was relieved to see that the 'Wing Wrap' came off looking as campy and schmaltzy as I intended, but not like a joke, which it would have if I hadn't been able to shield Eoin once he lost it. Everyone who was there was surprised at how it looked on camera. I had hoped this was how it would work and was relieved that it actually had.

Kirk informed us that we had enough usable stuff from the concert that if we chose to release the soundtrack as a live album, we were as good as done. I don't think any of us wanted to break up and go our separate ways so quickly, and we had all cleared our calendars for the week of recording, so we unanimously agreed to go back and cut a real studio version as well. Maybe it was because the material was all so familiar after the live performance, but we wrapped everything up in two 16 hour days, and said our 'so longs' until we'd regroup to storm Asia on the final leg of this extraordinary adventure.

***

“Michael!” I scolded. “Stop that!”

His look was quite sheepish as he contritely put his hands to his sides.

“If you keep stroking it you'll go blind!” I glowered.

That had the desired effect as he snickered then broke into a full fledged laugh as he walked across the room and wrapped himself into me in a hug.

“I can't help it. They're just so cool!” he said eyeing the wings folded up in the corner. “...do you think maybe they'll let us... let you keep them?”

I glanced down at him. “What on earth would you possibly want.... wait a minute... you're not going all Icarus on me are you?!” I exclaimed. “I will not have that on my conscience!”

He just laughed. “No. No... it's just.... this all seems so unbelievable.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I just think, when this is all over.... some morning I'll wake up in my own bed in my own room and wonder if it was all some amazing incredible dream.”

“TELL me about it!” I grinned.

“I mean, we're not allowed to talk about this ...ever... What if even we begin to doubt our own memories that this ever really happened?”

“Well, stealing souvenirs is not the way to prove it.” I chuckled. “Although I'm not returning that delicious robe I ….accidentally... packed in Luxembourg.”

Mikey grinned up at me. “Seriously, cuz. How will we remember this?”

“Do you think you could ever forget it?” I gently asked.

He shook his head. “Of course not. But I worry that it will quickly seem unreal. It already seems unreal.”

“Seems pretty real to me” I sighed. “...can't see that changing....”

Suddenly Mikey's demeanor changed. The playfulness evaporated.

“Oh. God... I hadn't really thought about that... I can't imagine what it must be like for you. You've been Katherine 24/7 for.... oh, shit. How are you going to go back to being.... oh shit.... that time with uncle Kevin was a joke... and you had only been Katherine for...” his face went ashen and he looked up at me wide-eyed. “Oh, SHIT!”

I smiled down at him. “...yeah.”

“What are we gonna DO L.C.?” panic began to rise in his voice. “Oh, God... what are YOU gonna do?!!”

I hugged him close and smiled down at him as placidly as I could muster. “I... am going to ...get on with my life.” I shrugged.

He just stared at me. He was not accepting that brief answer.

I sighed.

“I am going to go home. Cash Mr Lehmann's ridiculously large checque... and finally give my father the snooker room he always wanted. I'm getting a place of my own... on my own... as far away from Newstead as possible.”

“As far away from old baggage as possible.”

I nodded.

“As far away from old bullies, old memories... old expectations.” he said quietly.

I smiled and nodded again.

“So you'll be a fresh face in a new place. Just another stranger in a crowd.”

“That's the plan.” I nodded.

“...Just another girl in the crowd...” he muttered and shot me a glance.

“...that obvious?” I frowned.

Mikey shot me a warm gaze. There was a lot of love in that look. And ...acceptance? He smiled and nodded. “Pretty much.”

I blew out some air. “This certainly wasn't what I intended. Nowhere on my 'what I want to be when I grow up' list did I ever put 'lady'!”

Mikey laughed. “I don't think I ever asked. What DID you want to be when you grew up? What WAS on the list?”

I shook my head and let out a small laugh. “Nothing really. About the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up was ...out of the house....”

“Done” Mikey smiled. I nodded at the realization.

“I just really wanted to be away from school... away from my dad.... away from uncle Kevin... as for the rest... I always thought I'd figure that out when I got there....”

“Looks like you have” Mikey said gently.

I barked out a reflexive laugh at the realization.

“...so it would seem....” I murmured. As much to myself as to Mikey, who I pulled into a tighter hug.

“...still... our ride isn't over yet” I said, regaining my composure. “There's still lots of Katherine Keller mischief to inflict. There's a whole untouched hemisphere awaiting the 'Bird invasion!”

Mikey grinned. “Yeah. I'm dying to see Japan and Hong Kong and Korea and Taiwan and Beijing and Bangkok and...”

“Brisbane... you'll roll into town a conquering hero with a big Hollywood press tour. Your old mates will be beside themselves.” I smiled.

“Yeah. And maybe this will get Mum & Dad to finally stop worrying when they see what I've made of myself.”

I smiled politely, hoping he would not go where he then immediately went.

“...And when your mum and dad see what you've made of yourself.....”

I grimaced. “...yeah... still working on that....”

Mikey knew I had no idea how to handle that. I could see on his face how terrible he felt for bringing it up. Despite my own growing despair over the matter, I felt compelled to cheer him up.

“It will sort itself out. Meanwhile, we have 18 cities in 10 countries to dazzle. I need to sit with you and Dennis and brainstorm some ideas. ….what do you know about Otaku culture?”

Mikey's face exploded into a mischievous grin. Distraction accomplished.

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Comments

Kat you are brilliant!

Christina H's picture

End of comment! but seriously it seems that LC is facing up the future and I really hope she comes out the other end of the tunnel in a good shape.

Great publicity stunt which must have taken one hell of a lot of thinking about and writing the whole thing up.

Christina

WOW!!!!

Just WOW!!!!

“It will sort itself out"

I hope so. for now, this ride she's on is amazing!

DogSig.png

Applause

Podracer's picture

muttering like thunder, echoing off the distant hills, what a performance! Our girl is the queen of "follow that", so that other hemisphere had better brace itself. I hope Brisbane has earthquake insurance.
I was almost expecting "It's a wrap", but I do hope to see some of that mischief, and maybe news from home.

"Reach for the sun."

Next time you decide to put on a show like that....

D. Eden's picture

I want tickets! Seriously, just unbelievably well done - and the lyrics were simply hilarious!

Loving every minute of this.

Dallas

D. Eden

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus