Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you. Honey Bunny Chapter 16 by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson All Rights Reserved.

A couple of hours after my heart to heart talk with Carol, Maria and I were both getting ready to go to bed. I was wearing the nightdress that Beth had given to me and was going through my usual nightly routine of moisturising my face and hands and brushing and tying up my hair. Maria had just finished brushing her teeth. I’d been thinking about my conversation with Carol and what I now intended to do with my life. At last I’d come to a decision.

‘Maria, you once told me that you knew someone who had transitioned from a man to a woman and who was taking female hormones.’

‘Yes, that is my school friend Juan who now lives as Juanita,’ she replied.

‘Where did your friend get the female hormones?’

Maria turned and looked carefully at me.

‘From a doctor in Barcelona, I guess,’ she replied.

‘Would I be able to consult that doctor?’

‘I do not know, Ally. But are you sure you know what you are doing?’

‘Yes, I’m now quite sure. I’ve been thinking seriously about my future over the last few weeks and I’ve decided that I won’t be going back to living as a boy or a man again. I should now begin my permanent transition.’

Maria nodded as if it was an entirely rational decision on my part.

‘You don’t appear to be surprised that I should be considering such a step,’ I observed.

‘No, Ally, I am not surprised. I think it is probably the right thing for you, although of course only you can make that decision. I wondered how long it would take you to recognise that you are not just a female impersonator and that you should have been born a woman.’

‘I’ve always known that ever since I was a young child; it was just a question of accepting to myself that it was so and then facing up to the consequences of that admission.’

‘If you wish, I will contact my friend for you and ask for her advice. I can telephone her when we get to Barcelona again. Maybe we could meet together for tapas, if she is free.’

‘Yes please. I should like to meet her, if she is prepared to talk to me.’

‘I will contact her the day after tomorrow as soon as I can get a signal for my teléfono móvil.

‘Thanks, Maria, but I’d rather that you didn’t mention my plans to the other Bunnies.’

‘Alright, but I think your friends already know that you are ‘transgendered’.’

‘Carol certainly knows and I suspect that Beth will soon do so as well, but I’d prefer to keep any plans to start hormones a secret until I begin my transition and then nobody will be able to persuade me to change my mind.’

‘As you wish, Ally’

My suspicion that Beth would soon also know proved to be true; she came up and had a word after the Bunny Hop the following morning.

‘Carol tells me that you’re now planning to remain as Ally for some time to come,’ she said.

‘Well it looks as if the Bunnies are going to be working for the whole summer and after Maria’s extreme makeover I can’t easily switch back to being Alex, looking the way I do,’ I replied.

‘So will this be only for the summer or perhaps for the longer term?’ she asked.

‘I can’t be sure but the way I feel at the moment, is that I should like the change to be long-term, perhaps even permanent. It rather depends on whether I can get another job and support myself, as Ally.’

‘I can’t say that I’m surprised; you seem so much more at ease as a girl and as time goes on it gets more and more difficult to remember that you were a boy when I met you.’

‘I just hope that my parents will agree with you when they meet Ally for the first time.’

‘You cannot live your life simply to please your parents.’

‘I know and I hope they’ll see it that way. My parents want me to go to University, but I would only consider doing so as Ally.’

‘Well good luck, with whatever you decide to do.’

‘Thanks Beth.’

After that conversation I did my best to avoid any further discussion on my future pending my meeting with Maria’s transgendered friend. However, we eventually docked at the Barcelona Cruise Terminal for the second time on this trip, where a number of our passengers were due to leave the cruise and others join us. As usual, the Bunnies were expected to help organise the disembarkation procedures in the main theatre but afterwards were free to go ashore for rest of the day. Whilst I was occupied with these duties, Maria made the necessary phone call to her friend and then came to find me.

‘Juanita works in a pharmacy near to the Plaça Espanya. They will be closed this afternoon between two and four o’clock and she offers that we meet in a bar nearby at three,’ said Maria.

‘Thank you, Maria, I should like that.’

‘Does your friend speak English?’ I asked.

‘Not very well, but I will translate for you; it will be good practice for me. Is there anything else you wish to do whilst we are in Barcelona this morning?’

‘Don’t you need to visit your parents again this morning?’ I asked.

‘No; not this time. I have told them that I will study for my examination and that I promise to visit them again when we return the week after next.’

‘Now that I’ve decided to live as Ally, I’m going to need another pair of shoes and some more underclothes, although I do not have a lot of money available to spend until we are paid for this voyage.’

‘We will visit Els Encants Vells, where the clothes are not expensive. Also you will get a better price if I speak to them in Catalan.’

I was glad of Maria’s offer to come with me as I knew that Carol and Beth had been invited to go sightseeing with their boyfriends. It would have been a little awkward for me tag along as well without George to make up the numbers. I’d no idea what the Bucks were planning to do this time. We all still got on together as performers but the strained relations between George and I seemed to have created a slight rift between the two groups and we no longer spent much of our free time together. It seemed a pity as previously we’d all got on so well together, before feelings got in the way.

After a few hours of shopping during which I spent a little more money than I’d originally intended in buying myself two pairs of shoes, and various items of underwear, Maria and I made our way by the Metro to the Plaça Espanya. At the appointed time we entered a tapas bar in the Carrer de Sants, nearby, and ordered some soft drinks. A few minutes later a tallish young woman, aged about twenty-two and dressed in black slacks and a pink blouse joined us. Juanita had long black hair tied in a bun. At first sight she passed quite well as a woman although I noticed that there were still slight traces of her masculine origins which had not been entirely obliterated by the two and a half years that she’d been on hormone replacement therapy.

‘Hola Juanita, aquest és el meu amic Anglès Alexandra,’ said Maria, giving the newcomer a kiss on the cheek, and then pointing to me.

She then turned to me and switched to English.

‘Ally, this is my friend Juanita. We will speak together in Catalan and afterwards I will tell you what she says.’

Juanita and I smiled and shook hands with one another and I asked in Spanish whether she would have a drink with us. She asked for an orange juice, so I placed the order with the waiter whilst they began their conversation. As far as I could make out my friend was providing an account of my wish to transition and my need to find a doctor who would be willing to prescribe me the hormones that I was going to need in order to do so. Juanita asked a few questions along the way, and I could perceive that although her looks were ok her voice still needed a little attention to be entirely convincing. Once Maria had finished her account Juanita gave her detailed answer which Maria later translated for me.

‘My friend says that so far you are lucky with your looks and your voice, but you will need to begin to take anti-androgen as soon as possible to stop the testosterone in your body from making you look more like a man. You can do this before you decide if you wish to take female hormones as the effects will not be permanent and will end once you stop taking the tablets.

I already knew this from my investigations on the Internet.

‘Where can I get this anti-androgen?’ I asked.

Maria, knew the answer to this question without referring back to Juanita.

‘There is a drug called Aldactone which is available at most pharmacies. Juanita will sell you some, if you wish, and will give you an address where you can get some more without a prescription.’

‘How much will it cost me?’ I asked.

‘Ninety euros for a three month supply.’

I now regretted that we’d spent most of my ready cash that morning and I would not be paid again until we reached Southampton. On the other hand I was aware that I had a thousand pounds sitting in a deposit account in the U.K., although I’d promised my parents that I’d only use it for something really special.

‘But what could there be more special for me than financing my transition?’ I asked myself, and immediately knew the answer.

‘I have the money available in England, but not with me. Please ask your friend if I can buy them from her when we next visit Barcelona.’

‘I will borrow the money to you, if you wish,’ Maria replied.

I didn’t think it appropriate to correct her English on this occasion.

‘Thank you, Maria. I promise I will repay you as soon as we get to Southampton.’

Maria went to her handbag and gave me a hundred euro note from her purse, which I handed to Juanita. She in turn took three small boxes of pills from her handbag and gave them to me together with my change. As she did so she said something else to Maria in Catalan.

‘You should take one tablet each day,’ Maria translated. ‘There is a leaflet inside which gives detailed instructions, which is in several languages. Once you start to take them you will no longer be able to have sex like a man, but when you stop taking them your body should return to normal.’

‘I understand and that doesn’t concern me.’

I opened one of the boxes and swallowed my first tablet to show them both that I was serious.

‘Now that I’ve started taking the Aldactone, how will I acquire the female hormones that I will need for my transition?’ I asked.

Juanita must have understood my question as she gave another detailed response without waiting for Maria to translate.

‘My friend says that you should consult a doctor when you feel that you are ready to begin taking oestrogen. This is important in the early stages of your transition because the dosage has to be right and it will begin to make permanent changes to your body. Later, once you have worked out the correct dosage you may be able to continue on your own. She knows a specialist in Barcelona who helped her with her own transition. She is very experienced in this field and is also simpatico when dealing with transgender patients.’

‘Please tell Juanita that I’ve been reading about the subject and understand the implications of what I am planning to do. Say that I am ready to begin taking oestrogen as soon as possible.’

Maria translated. Juanita looked carefully at me and must have decided that I knew what I was doing. She wrote a name, address and telephone number on a piece of paper and handed it to Maria.

‘My friend suggests that I should telephone and arrange an appointment for you to see her,’ said Maria.

‘Gràcies Juanita,’ I said offering to shake her hand.

She took my hand and examined my fingernails with the rabbits painted on them. She smiled before saying a few more words of Catalan.

‘Juanita says that, like you, she loved pretty feminine things when she began her transition. She hopes you will be very happy living as a woman.’

I smiled and thanked her for her help and advice.

Maria and her friend spent a few minutes catching up on local gossip whilst we finished our drinks and I thought about the implications of what I’d just done, but had no doubts as to the wisdom of my decision. At a quarter to four Juanita left us to return to her work. Maria then made a couple of telephone calls on my behalf and eventually managed to speak with Dr Concepcion Martinez at her clinic off the Avigunda Diagonal. She spoke quite quickly in a mixture of Catalan and Spanish and so I wasn’t able to follow the entire conversation but it was clear she was arranging an appointment for me.

‘How did you get on?’ I asked, when she had finished.

‘You will see Dr Martinez for one hour appointment in nine days, when we next call at Barcelona. She asked me why you did not go to a British doctor; I explain to her that you work on a cruise ship and that your parents’ home was in Bahrain and so you do not have a British doctor. She will treat you but will charge for her services.’

‘Yes, of course, Maria.’

‘Her English is not very good so she wants you to send her an email, in Spanish, setting out what you wish to discuss with her. I will help you to translate, if you wish.’

‘I’ll think about what I am going to say to her over the next few days at sea. I’m planning to stay on board ship rather than go back to visit my Aunt when we dock in Southampton. Perhaps we’ll have time to translate the email and send it whilst we’re there.’

‘Did you manage to find yourself a new pair of shoes, Ally?’ asked Carol as we were getting ready for the show later that evening.

‘Yes, in fact I ended up buying two pairs, as the shop was offering two pairs for the price of one. By the time I’d bought a couple of bras and pants and some tights, I’d nearly cleared out my bank account, but we should get paid as soon as we get back to Southampton.’

‘So what did you get for yourself?’

‘I bought some blue peep-toed wedges to go with my new dress and a pair of tan court shoes with block heels. I like to have the extra height but these will be more practical than high heels around the ship or when we go ashore.’

‘It sounds as if you’re beginning to build up quite a wardrobe for yourself,’ commented Beth.

‘I still could do with a couple more outfits,’ I replied.

‘That’s what every girl would say,’ commented Carol with a smile. ‘Developing your wardrobe is a never ending task.’

‘Unfortunately any further development will have to wait until we’ve been paid for the voyage,’ I replied.

I now wanted to move the conversation on to another topic before either of them asked what Maria and I had done during the afternoon.

‘So what did you two do in Barcelona?’

‘We went to the amusement park on top of Tibidabo mountain, with Richard and John,’ said Beth. ‘You travel to the end of the dark blue metro line then a tram takes you half way up the mountain. From there you can either walk or else take a funicular railway to the top.’

‘There are wonderful views of the city up there,’ said Carol, ‘you should try it for yourself sometime, Ally, but not when you are wearing your new shoes.’

I smiled and thanked her but thought to myself that the next time I visited the city I would be busy doing other things. I also thought to myself that once I’d begun taking the hormones I would have the courage to face my parents and tell them the truth about what was happening to me and how I’d always felt.

Over the last few days of the voyage I continued to take the Aldactone tablets each day and noticed no adverse side-effects other than needing to go to the toilet more often than normal. I understood that it was intended merely as a preventive and the main changes to my body that I desired would only begin once I’d begun taking the oestrogen. As predicted, I found that it was no longer uncomfortable for me to tuck my penis and scrotum away out of sight so I tended to keep it that way irrespective of what I was wearing. Increasingly I thought of them as unwanted appendages. I also began to wonder about what it would be like to have my own breasts rather than relying on the silicone forms, and how long it would take for them to grow once I’d begun taking oestrogen. Now that I’d at last made the decision, I was impatient to get started as soon as possible.

The Bucks and the Bunnies continued to perform fairly well during the last three days of the cruise but we had sometimes been better and I think that we were all looking forward to taking a break. In my case I wouldn’t be venturing far away from the ship and I was looking forward to beginning the next cruise and returning to Barcelona, where I hoped I would be able to start the next phase of my life. However there was nothing I could do to alter the timetable.