Chapter 4 – Begins here
A woman named Dorothy was a cosmetician. I thought my Grandma would have chosen an older woman, I’m guessing she’s probably twenty-five. She looks like one of our young teachers, who is attractive. I don’t say anything but I like when she stands in front of me, smiles, and concentrates on doing my makeup.

“Well young lady, you or someone did very well doing your makeup. I hope you don’t mind if I make you up, doing something differently?”

I say, “No Mam, I think that is what my Grandmother wanted. The truth is, I’m kind of excited too. I know I won’t look beautiful like you or my sister. I’d just like my look if you know what I mean. My sister helps me and I look like a younger girl in our family. When Margaret’s done it, I’m pretty but it's more in her style. Do you understand what I mean? What I’m saying probably doesn’t make any sense.”

Dorothy smiles, “It makes good sense. You, your sister, and Margaret have different colors that work best for each of you; you’re an individual not a clone of someone else. You and your sister could use this pink lipstick and this blush to be attractive and show you’re sisters. However, if you use this pink that has a peachier tone, it will flatter you more than her. As a blush, it causes your smile to glow. She showed me the differences in pink eyeshadow. Many girls probably would not use any yellow, but this one gives a warm sunset glow to it for you.”

“If this is the outfit you’ll wear tomorrow to church; please let me quickly use the combination of colors I would suggest.” She quickly cleans off my makeup and begins with the barest of foundation. “I want you to see how a light amount of makeup is all that is needed for you this time young lady.”

“I’m not…” I stop from saying, ‘I’m not a young lady.’

Dorothy looks intently at me and then at my grandmother and mother. She leans down to whisper in my ear, “Tomorrow and any time you are so beautifully adorned, please be comfortable when someone sees and compliments you as a ‘lady’.” She dabs my eyes softly with a tissue, “No tears, accept that you are attractive and be appreciative.”

“This light blue you’d use as an eyeshadow with the golden yellow glow above it is special to you. Your sister is forewarned not to use it.”

Upon finishing my makeup, she turns to my father and asks, “Dad, what do you think now of how your daughter looks?”

I’m worried as I turn to look at my father and he speaks, “I am taken with how each of the women in my life has their beauty. Jessie, you are a very pretty young woman.” It is then I experience the joy of happy tears.

Dorothy says, “I used a very good mascara, but please don’t test it too much.”

We purchase the cosmetics needed for the morning and then some at my father’s insistence. I did not know which of us had grown more tonight. Dorothy stepped forward and gave me a hug and a small gift bag of cosmetics. I was sure she wanted to say something but hesitated and only wished me well.

Luckily the worship service at Grandma’s church was not until 10:00 a.m. and Rachel let me sleep only until 7:30 a.m. “Jessie you needed to get up and shave this morning, both your legs and under your arms.”

I was in the shower doing as asked when I realized someone else had entered the room. Rachel spoke, “Pardon me, but I felt a need to talk to you, Jeffrey. I want to ask how comfortable you are with being Jessie. I like having a sister, but I didn’t mean to force you to become a girl.”

I give a cute giggle, “I’m sorry but I’m shaving where boys don’t. I got a new outfit last night as well as my makeup. Now you’re asking me how comfortable I am being Jessie. I’m not comfortable going to church as Jessie. What can Grandma have been thinking when she suggested this?”

Rachel is silent for a moment, “Grandma is no religious fanatic, but she’s strong in her faith. She loves you and while she is not likely to be telling others right away, she trusts sharing you with God.”

Our family, Mom, Dad, my sister, and my brother, kind of believe, but we’re not very churchy. If Grandma has her way I will be in a confirmation program next year. If they have a form that says ‘male, female’; I'm amused thinking, instead of circling one I just circle both and write ‘yes’. I’m thinking way too far ahead.

“Sis, I need to get out of the shower and get ready. Please go, I’m not that comfortable in you seeing me as much as you have.” Rachel leaves, I rinse out her conditioner. ‘Am I comfortable? Even before I started sneaking Rachel’s clothes, I liked her stuffed animals and playing with some dolls and her dollhouse. I also like being Jeff, and I don’t like choosing.’

I am going back to my room with a towel wrapped around me. Rob yells downstairs. “Mom, you need to get Jessie her robe, if she’s going to go back to her room as a girl.” With that, I’m embarrassed Rob sees me this way. I’m not being mindful of how I’m walking around.

Mom is soon upstairs. She says, “You need to become mindful of how you’re traipsing around, especially as Jessie. This is an old robe of mine and this is an old one of Rachel’s, please use one from now on Jessie."

She said, “We need to be thinking about what to say to others. This morning when you leave this house in the daylight. The neighbors are going to be seeing two girls leaving this house.”

“Then I won’t be going, I just won’t be going. I don’t want to be caught going looking like a girl. I’m not really Jessie anyway!”

Mom giggles, “Well you’ve had me fooled lately. Dressed up in your new outfit from last night. I’ll help you with your new makeup. You will just be another girl who stayed overnight. But, you are going to church and probably out to dinner with Grandma so plan to relax and enjoy yourself.

“Make sure you’re wearing Jessie’s earrings and not Jeff’s. Helen next door would be amused if I let Jeff get girly earrings and I am sure she would easily recognize them. Ask Rachel if she’d allow you to wear her medium-size hoops." Rachel talks me into medium hoops with a blue stone, going with one of my tops.

Our Grandpa drives up and beeps the horn once. We’re walking down the sidewalk when our neighbor Helen calls over saying hello and waving. Rachel whispers, “Just wave gently and go to the car. Do not act as if you know her and don't talk with her when I do.” Rachel said hello and remarked about the nice start to the day.

I got in the back seat on Grandpa’s side and as I turn bringing my feet and legs into the car, I realize Grandma is closely watching. “My Jessie, you act very much like a young woman.”

“Thank you, Grandma,” I reply. “Thanks again for the outfit and cosmetics. What do you think now that you see it all together? Hi Grandpa.”

“To be honest, I am impressed that you look and act very much like a young lady as your sister does.” I leaned over hugged Grandma and kiss. I think it surprised her at first.

Rachel was soon in the car and we were on our way to their church.

Grandpa spoke, “Jessie, we are comfortable giving you room to discover who you are. But if you are comfortable with it, we'll be telling people today you are our niece. Your mother thought I should be the one to tell you. We’ve had more than one ancestor we know of that wrestled with similar things.”

“Your Grandmother doesn’t seem surprised, but I confess, I’m more than a little uncomfortable seeing you as a girl.”

“That’s okay Grandpa, I’m Jeff, not Jessie,” I say.

Rachel giggles, “That is funny when you say that wearing a skirt and using Jessie’s voice.” Grandma chimes in, “We call it denial. You have something to deal with one way or another.”

I guess at their church this was some kind of a youth Sunday. Several young people were singing or helping out in the service. I saw some teens I knew from Grandma’s community. We played sports together when we were younger.

While a number of them looked at us, no one seemed to recognize me. The songs and service were more enjoyable than usual. Grandma said the young people usually attended the earlier service. Rachel and I clapped and moved to the music. We even liked more what they had to say.

Outside the church, Grandma and Grandpa stopped to talk to friends. A boy I knew Johnny Dalton came over to me to say hello. I was thankful when he said, “My name is Johnny Dalton, I don’t know you but I wanted to say hello and welcome you to our church.”

Two girls my age soon came over, “Johnny’s not supposed to be hitting on you just inviting you to go bowling with us this afternoon if you’re still at your grandparents. My name is Darby and this is Haley. We like the way you did your eyes.”

I say, “How is it that it’s always another girl that picks up on the makeup?”

Darby giggles, “Johnny can get mesmerized looking at them, but it takes another girl to see all that you’ve done to look pretty.”

Haley’s saying, “She’s telling you, he doesn’t recognize how hard you worked to blend and used colors to give you such an attractive look?”

Darby and Haley both have a cute moan, “Oh, funny.” Darby continues, “If he’d say something like that I’d be wondering if he were using or what he wanted.” Rachel and I both giggle with them.

Rachel says, “Jessie, we need to be going.”

Johnny speaks up, “So would you be interested in bowling this afternoon around 3:00 p.m.?”

I tell him, “Even if we’re here, I don’t have a suitable change of clothes.”

Grandma was now coming over and heard my reply. “Rachel has an old change of clothes at my house that could serve you well. Darby, you know where we live; could you pick her up and bring her back? I could get her there if need be.”

Darby smiles and says, “If she’s going, I’m sure my brother would be more than happy to give her a ride. Please be ready by 2:45.” Darby addresses Rachel, “The older high schoolers will have their lanes away from us. I’m sure you’d be welcome if you came.”

We were at one of Grandpa’s favorite restaurants when I finally spoke. “Grandma, how could you have set me up to go bowling?”

She said, “How are you going to know if you are a girl unless you get out and be one? Darby’s nice; I’m sure you will have a good time being with her.” With a slight laugh Grandma says, “If you need help bowling, I’m sure the Dalton boy would be happy to show you.”

“Not funny Grandma. It is bad enough that you got me into this.”

Rachel spoke, “I did not hear you saying ‘no’. I think Grandma is right you need the experience of doing things like this. I bet you will bowl on a team with Darby and two boys. Cheering them on will not mean they are candidates for being a boyfriend, you should join Darby in doing that. Eat lite now as you’ll probably be getting pizza with the group.”

On the way from the restaurant, Grandma had us stop at American Eagle, saying, “Let’s see if we can find a nice jeans skirt, and top. I’m not sure what kind of shape Rachel’s old clothes are in.”

I was tired of arguing and losing so I just did as suggested. Rachel talked me into a short pink jeans skirt and black leggings and a white embroidered top. Grandma was pleased and Grandpa shook his head and smiled.

Doing my makeup Rachel suggested a light natural look, minimum makeup, and light with eyeshadow and lip-gloss. I thought the lip gloss had a glimmering, ‘kiss me’ kind of look. Rachel agreed, “I think it is a good cover for a boy as a girl. It is not overdone like a boy would do. A girl wearing it shows she is confident in herself. You need to become confident like that however you are.”

It wasn’t until I saw Darby drive up with her brother, that I realized he was Matt Jacobs. He was a bit more of a hunk than John Dalton. Darby insisted I sit up front as Rachel had decided not to go. Matt was three grades ahead of Darby and me. He had the choice of which group he would bowl with and chose us. Like Rachel had guessed we were in teams. Darby, Matt, Chad, and I were on one team. Matt was either closely in front or behind me several times.

I wasn’t much of a bowler wearing a skirt, even with leggings, I became even less sure of myself. Matt showed me how to hold the ball, keep my wrist and lift the ball back and swing it forward. It did help my bowling but made for anxious moments when I felt his breath twice on my neck.

The next ball I threw, I knocked down nine pins and made the spare with Matt’s direction. When I sat down Darby said, “Matt’s a pretty nice guy, even if he’s my brother.”

I said, “He looks to be a really nice guy.”

Darby said, “You noticed that, did you? You could come over and see me when you’re at Grandma Stephens. You could see if Grandma would be willing to teach you and me how to make pies as she does. Your Grandma seems to be so neat, I always want an excuse to be around her.”

Darby and the other girls insisted it was better to use the women’s room here instead of the pizza place we were going to. Several girls used that as a time to step out of the jeans they were wearing and put on skirts. No one else paid attention, so I just turned away and took care of myself.

The pizza place was nothing special, the guys focused on the pizza and talked about sports. The girls nibbled on a slice or two with hardly any girl drinking a refill. The boys said something to us when they thought their ideas were better. Other than that they chowed down on the pizza and drinks like they were starved.

I was hungry but felt the need to nibble like the other girls.

It was eight o’clock before I got back to my grandparents. I think everyone was happy that I had an ordinary girl time with the group. I wanted to change and not show my parents I had yet another outfit. Grandma insisted they knew and I was going back home as I was.

Grandma and Grandpa came into the house with us. I think Grandma wanted to see the surprise my parents as they did not know what I did or that I had a new outfit.

Mom said, “Wow young lady, you continue to amaze me. I do think leggings were a good idea for bowling in that skirt. No, stories of a guy kissing you or getting your phone number?”

Grandma said, “I think they might have thought about it, but I’m pretty sure Darby had laid down the law to her brother.”

Rachel asked, “Did you recognize he’s a hunk and that he gave you some special attention?”

“It was kind of hard to ignore it. Especially when he felt a need to show me how to bowl. I felt his breath on my neck. I was praying he didn’t notice how anxious he made me.”

Sis said, “What about him, made you anxious as you say?”

“None of your business! Mom, please tell her not to be so nosy.”

Mom said, “I’d suggest that we not share this part of the conversation with your Dad or Rob.” The men were in watching a basketball game, where I usually would be.

I did shower and made sure I got my makeup off. I moisturized my skin even though I changed over to Jeff mode. I was resting in my bed thinking of today and Saturday with Margaret. Grandma’s words that I was in denial came to thought numerous times. Finally, I went down to Rachel’s room where she was doing the last of her homework.

“Rachel, I am Jeff, though I admit Jessie is a part of me. I don’t know how to talk about having feelings as a girl. I’m afraid, I don’t want to lose Jessie or me and you’re the only one I’m half comfortable talking about.”

I could tell Rachel put her computer on sleep mode. That made me feel good as she gave me her full attention. “Jeff, it is good to hear you are willing to talk. You know you can talk to Mom. It is only by doing that that it will become easier to talk and be yourself. I’m not sure where you’ll come out on this. I’m glad to be your sister and you are relaxed enough to visit with me. I'm sorry if I did this to you.”

“You said you could feel Matt’s breath, can I ask how that felt?”

“You won’t laugh at me?”

Rachel says, “I promise, it is a sincere question.”

“I am not usually comfortable with Rob or any guy looking over my shoulder. It is just too close in my space kind of a thing. Well, it’s not like I felt attracted to him, but I wasn’t uncomfortable either. Somehow it wasn’t the same, I kind of liked his help. If I ever am at Grandma’s as Jessie and go over to their house, it would first be as Darby’s friend.”

Rachel casually says, “But you wouldn’t mind if Matt were there. What if he took you for ice cream or a ride?”

“Sis, can we talk about me as Jeff?”

Rachel asks, “It's important to you to continue to be Jeff isn’t it?”

“Yes, but I’m also worried about changing like Rob. He’s right maybe in two years or so I won’t look good as Jessie if I change like he’s doing. I’m content to have fine features as Jeff. Some guys don’t develop until they’re eighteen or so. I think I’d be comfortable with that. Hopefully, I’ll know what I want to do by then.”

Rachel asks, “What do you mean by you’d know what you want to do by then?”

“Well, I’ve searched online. It sounds like a boy or girl could delay some things for a while and may be able to use something to develop later in how they’re comfortable.” I watch Rachel closely for signs that I’m going too far. The only thing she’s done is draw closer and hold my hand.

It is eleven-thirty when Mom sends me off to bed.

Jeff is glad to get back to school. It is to be a fun day as his sister and the high school choir is to sing at their junior high. Three eighth-grade boys decided they give Danny Smothers a hard time. Danny is a fairly effeminate boy in eleventh grade. Dan was also a friend of Rachel’s and the Preston family.

Eighth-grade boys blocked Danny’s way as he came out of the restroom. There weren’t any teachers nearby. The boys chose to mock Danny for the earrings he was wearing. “Hey Danny, you have a pretty fanny and your earrings are kind of girly.” Danny was big enough that he could have fought back, but he wasn’t like that.

Jeff decided to speak up, “Leave him alone, plenty of us have earrings.” A couple of people said ‘Yeah’.

But the guys said, “Yeah but what other boy has as girly earrings as he has?”

Jeff said, “I do, I have at least two sets prettier than those. But that’s not the point, he came here to do us the favor of singing. He shouldn’t be insulted, you’re picking on him because you are fairly sure he won’t fight back.”

It was then that two football players from the high school choir, Jim Robbins and John McBride stepped forward and said, “He might be, but we’re not. You guys can either step forward and apologize or answer to us. One of the three ran but the other two were blocked from their retreat.

Tami, a girl in my class moved next to me as we were ready to go into the auditorium. “We’re you just trying to distract those boys from picking on Danny or do you have girly earrings?”

I said, “What does it matter, everyone will think I do anyway?”

Tami cheerfully said, “My older sister dated Danny a couple of times and says he’s one of the nicest guys she's dated so far. You speaking up kinda made me interested in you.”

Jeff laughed, “Does that mean if I wear girly earrings you would go to Friday’s dance with me?” His question surprised Tami enough to leave her silent as she thought.

“My Mom won’t let me date until I’m in eighth grade and my parents would have to meet you. We can meet at the dance and you can be with me and my friends, not officially as a date.”

Near the end of the concert, the high school choir director asked, “Are there any junior high choir members who have a brother or sister in the high school choir that feels capable of singing with them?” This was a tradition of the spring concert here to encourage junior high students to continue to sing in the high school choir.

Tami jumped up shouting, “We have two sisters in your choir!”

Mister D. recognized her, “Tami Johnson and Jenny that would be good, who’s the other girl?”

“He’s Jeff Preston, but his voice can sing in our range.” Mr. D looks at Rachel Preston and she shakes her head, yes. He says, “I already poked a song for girls, I’ll need to reset it.”

Tami, who’s pulling Jeff behind her, yells back, “I bet he can sing it.” Mr. D looked to Rachel again who said it was likely. He set the words to the prompter and the fun of singing together began and was soon over.

Jeff, however, was now seen in a different light. One, because he had stood up to the three eighth-graders he wasn’t seen as weak. Singing with three girls during the concert showed his tender side. Tami liked him, he didn’t need to wait until Friday to reap benefits. The next day at lunch Tami called across the cafeteria for Jeff to sit with her during lunch. Tami being cute and popular drove Jeff’s interest and he went and sat there.

No sooner had Jeff sat down in a sea of girls than Tami asked, “Did you bring your girly earrings to show us?” The truth was Jeff had brought two pairs of his earrings to show Tami if they were alone. And if it were somehow helpful to his cause. He didn’t intend to show them to others. Unfortunately, he looked toward his shirt pocket, where he had put them so they would not get damaged.

Tami by impulse reached into his pocket without asking and pulled out the two sets of earrings. April sitting on the other side of Jeff said, “I bet you just brought your sister’s earring to impress us?”

Tami spoke up, “He has two spots for earrings, let’s see if they look like they’re his?” She gave April one dangling earring and another with a pink stone. Jeff tried to protect his ear from Tami. He had a burger in his other hand and April soon had his regular earring out and both holes now filled. The second earring had hurt as that hole was close to closing. When Jeff tried to pull those earrings out; Tami quickly adorned his ear on her side. Jeff resigned to the fact he lost the battle and that others quickly saw him wearing girly earrings.

April said, “They must be his, I don’t know of many boys having spaces for two earrings.” Monica across the table said, “Cute, I think they are his. Jeff, they look good on you.” Ironically the girls finished their lunches as they talked. Jeff who was hungry, lost his appetite and his food quickly turned cold.

Jeff was allowed to replace his dangling earrings with his regular earrings. April and Tami both chided him for not taking the others out as the holes were trying to close up.

Jeff shared two-afternoon classes, with Tami and April and while seating arrangements were set in one class they were flexible in the next. Yes, Jeff sat next to Tami.

Tami hadn’t said anything about walking her home, and Jeff hadn’t thought of it. That is until she waited at the school door for him. “How come you never walk with us? We live in the same direction, only a block apart.” Jeff liked the idea and walked along. Monica was the last to leave them together as her house was the street before Tami’s.

Tami asked, “Did you bring your math homework with you?”

“Yes but I only have two problems left undone.”

“That’s alright you can help me with mine if you want.”

Jeff said, “Well…”

Tami interrupted, “You should if we’re going to get to know each other before the dance. But you don’t need to mention that when my Mom gets home.”

When they got to her house, “I’m going to change up in my room and will be down shortly. We will need to do our homework on the dining table.” The only surprise was Tami’s suggestion, no request, that he was to put his other earrings in.

Jeff had done so and they were only five minutes into their homework when her sister Jennifer came home from high school. “Oh hi, Tami, and Jeff. Tami, you know you aren’t to have a boy in the house alone when Mom or Dad is not here?”

Tami smiles, “That is why we're down here and we waited until you were home.”

It is then that Jennifer notices Jeff’s earrings. “Woe, look it here, Rachel didn’t say anything about this side of her little brother.”

Jeff barks back, “Fortunately she knows, and unfortunately, now you do too. I hope you don’t feel a need to say anything. Tami said you dated Danny, hopefully, your sister talking me into wearing them doesn’t bother you.”

Jenny says, “No, I actually appreciate you speaking up for Danny, he is a good friend. Tami told me she liked this sensitive side of you. I’m not really stunned you’re here. I… I better not go there. Behave and have a good time.”

We were doing pretty well as we heard Mrs. Johnson arrive at her home. I had already changed back to my regular earrings. Tami introduced me to her Mom, who was only a little surprised I was there. “Hello Mrs. Johnson, I’m Jeff.”

“Nice to meet you Jeff, are you the one I heard about with the pretty earrings? The one you’re wearing doesn’t seem girly to me.”

Tami was quickly upset, “I will kill April, I didn’t expect her to tell her Mom. Um… I was to be the one to tell you.”

Mrs. Johnson looks at me, “April Franklin’s Mom and I are close friends and she would have told me if she knew. I suspect you wore them in front of Monica Jones too. Her Mom only calls to help get me upset, but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.” She turns to Tami, “I hope you’re going to tell me you and Jeff weren’t here until your sister was home.”

Tami says, “That’s right Mom, we waited for Jennifer to be home. You can even ask her. Jeff only came to help me with my math homework.”

Her Mom asks, “So Jeff can I get to see these pretty earrings, I see you have extra places for the second set?”

Tami encourages me, “I wouldn’t mind seeing them again if my Mom doesn’t mind. Jeff, please put them in before you need to leave.” She helps me put them in.

Tami’s Mom cleans around my earrings, “Jeff you should leave them in when you go home and continue to wear them until the holes heal. Didn’t anyone explain to you about taking care of them?

“Yes, Mrs. Johnson but I didn’t have two pairs that I was comfortable wearing as a guy.”

I wore the two sets of studs home. Because I was upset with what happened and I was in no hurry to get home, I invented a new long way to walk around the block. That didn’t help either.

Jennifer called my sister before I got there. Rachel and Mom greeted me as I came through the door. Mom said, “You realize, I’m now going to require you to wear those two pairs until your ears are fully healed.”

She said, “I talked to Mrs. Johnson after Jennifer talked to Rachel. I don’t want another Mom thinking you haven’t been instructed properly.”

“But Mom, you don’t want me to wear them to school.”

Mom said, “No, I didn’t but since you decided otherwise, you need to wear them until your ears heal. I will even give you a note for school saying you have my permission. Please remember, tomorrow I need to pick you up at 2:40 for your appointment with Dr. Hunt. If you feel a need to wear one of your skirt outfits please let your Dad and I know tonight. No surprises tomorrow please.”

Mom continues, “Mrs. Johnson said you were a good influence on her daughter. She checked her math homework. She said it was finished and she understood what she had done.”

I had to explain to Mom and Rachel why and what I said the day before. And then why I took and showed the earrings today. “I didn’t put them on Mom that was Tami and her goofy friend April. It’s not like I could have smacked them to stop them.”

Mom and then Rachel hugged me for speaking up for Danny. “I wished I hadn’t spoken up about having girly earrings. It just came out.”

“You were bound to slip up and say something that was going to reveal that other side of you,” said Rachel. “I had wished I hadn’t helped dress Jessie up. Now I’m not sure both were inevitable. Mom the smartest thing about this whole thing was probably calling this Dr. Hunt. I’m not sure you shouldn’t pick him up earlier from school so he could go as Jessie.”

Mom said, “Jeff, it isn’t the earrings, clothes, or makeup that indicate if Jessie is real or not. You are a wonderful child. All that keeps happening seems to be you saying if Jessie and Jeff are real. I don’t have the answers other than we love you.” Mom hugged me and I began to cry in her arms.

To be continued…