“Come on, smile!” Katie urges me. Despite the cold, I beam a wide, toothy grin as Katie snaps photograph after photograph of me in my warm, snuggly outfit. I’m wearing a pair of tight, skinny jeans that show off my increasingly feminine curves, on top of which I have a pair of long, knee-high boots with a chunky 3” platform heel. My warm pink coat covers a tight red wool sweater, and my long brown hair is covered by a light grey woollen hat.

“Please tell me we’re done?” I beg as I try to warm my red-tipped fingers on my coat.

“I’m as cold as you are, remember?” Katie says as she warms her own hands on her coat before returning to her photo taking. “Welcome to the wonderful world of women who are overly sensitive to weather! Regretting your decision yet?”

“Not for a second,” I say with a genuine, wide grin on my expertly made-up face.

“Atta girl!” Katie says with a smile of her own as she finishes her photography and we both eagerly slip our warm gloves back on. “Can’t believe we’ve finally finished our first term, I thought it’d never end!”

“Oh come on,” I say, “you’ve got to admit, it was fun!”

“Yeah,” Katie says with a warm smile. “Especially as I had such an awesome girl to work with!” Katie and I share a quick hug as we head back into her house to upload our photos.

“Hi Nikki!” Katie’s mother greets me as we sit down on the sofa. “Cold outside?”

“Freezing!” I complain. “I wish our tutor had chosen an ‘indoor winter wonderland’ for our assignment!”

“Well you’ve got two whole weeks off to work on it, don’t waste it!” Mrs Henderson advises.

“Mum!” Katie admonishes. “We’ve got to have SOME fun over Christmas!” Katie and I giggle as my friend’s mum rolls her eyes.

Not that the last few months- whilst containing a lot of hard work- haven’t been fun. In fact, they’ve probably been the best months of my life so far. Our ‘gang’- The ‘New Angels’ as we’re now semi-officially know- have been hanging out with each other as much as humanly possible, even despite Katie, Lauren and Dannii all having boyfriends. Every day at college, we meet up for lunch- Dannii joining us when she can- and seemingly every other weekend we have some form of party. Inspired by the ‘real’ Angels, and with Sarah and Lauren being experts at clothes making, we’ve even been throwing the occasional costume party- for Sarah’s 17th birthday last month, the five of us held a formal ‘prom’, wearing our favourite custom-made dresses- naturally, I HAD to wear the amazing blue & lilac bodysuit/skirt Sarah made for me in September! For Halloween the month before, we all dressed up as cats, wearing black long-sleeved leotards and black tights, as well as whiskers, ears, tails, make-up and high heels! My parents were somewhat aghast when they saw that I was going to wear this tight, revealing costume outside- never mind the fact that I wear something similar each week to ballet class- but it could’ve been much worse, as Dannii had her heart set on the five of us dressing up as playboy bunnies!

That particular idea was shot down quickly, mostly out of deference to me- seven months on hormone replacement therapy has finally caused significant changes to my body, but there’s still a long, long way to go. My skin is now a lot smoother and softer, and my body shape is more noticeably feminine, though my breasts are still yet to fully develop- hence why the playboy bunny costumes were dropped. That’s not to say that my breasts aren’t growing, but ‘swelling’ would probably be a more accurate word. They’re very tender- often sore- and not even an A-cup yet (so I still wear my falsies most days), but there is a noticeable ‘shape’ developing on my chest, and for comfort, I now wear a bra all the time. My whole mind-set has changed too, thanks to the hormones. I no longer feel the bouts of depression I used to get when I was a boy, I no longer feel like I don't belong in my own skin. Sure, at times my mood can be unpredictable, often volatile, but now I feel like my body is actually MINE- something that's virtually impossible to explain to a non-transgendered person. The biggest effect the hormones have had, though, is on my sex drive- in that it’s been completely eliminated.

Sarah has long since known that this would happen, and has said all along that she’d be okay with it, but it hasn’t stopped it from causing some tension between us. Sarah still has needs- that I’ve been ‘fulfilling’ as best as I can- but as our relationship becomes increasingly ‘girl-girl’, she’s becoming increasingly uncomfortable. My own feeling for her haven’t changed, libido or no libido, but I can’t help but feel that she… Doesn’t love me as much as she used to. The fact that I spend a lot of my time working with Katie, and Sarah spends a lot of her time working with Lauren, doesn’t help matters any.

Also not helping matters is Dannii. Whilst in theory she should be the ‘outsider’ of our group- being the only one not attend college- if anything, she’s the self-declared ‘leader’. She’s the main driving force behind our activities and our parties, and whilst this can sometimes cause friction with the other girls (except for Lauren, who’s long since been Dannii’s best friend), in the end she is a LOT of fun to be around. It also helps that she’s the only one of us who works full-time, so has the most disposable income! Whilst she can be a bit too ‘alpha female’ at times, Dannii has always been there for me whenever I need to talk, whenever Sarah and I are having difficulties. I think maybe she sees me as a ‘Jamie’ to her ‘Charlotte’, I dunno. Sometimes she even goes as far to say that she prefers hanging out with me to hanging out with her boyfriend!

Whilst I am living my dream, it’s not been all clothes and parties. It may seem like a cliché, but life as a teenage girl really can be very difficult, especially when you’ve not always been female. My ‘status’ is an open secret at college, and has been the subject of gossip numerous times. Whilst I’ve never been overtly bullied for who I am- the college has made it quite clear that there would be a zero tolerance approach to transphobic bullying- I often see other teenagers sniggering, pointing in my direction as I walk past, sometimes even laughing their heads off at the mere sight of me. Even when I’m at work, I sometimes feel myself receiving judgemental stares from people I know from college. Of course, this could just be me being paranoid, but the girls have mentioned noticing this too, which only makes matters worse- people picking on me is one thing, but picking on my friends for associating with me? That’s a whole new level of nastiness.

Probably the biggest source of stress, though, has been my family. Five days from now is Christmas Day, and in the past, we’ve always gone as a family to my grandparents’ houses- one in the morning, one in the afternoon for Christmas dinner. This year, however, that’s simply not an option. My dad’s parents still refuse to acknowledge my existence, no matter how much we try to get through to them. We’ve even brought in Beverly and my regular shrink to try to talk to them, but to no avail. My mother’s parents are almost as bad- whilst they still talk to my mum, they outright refuse to accept that I’m now a girl. My Christmas card from them- which I got at the start of December- refers to me as ‘Nick’ and has ‘to a special grandson’ on the front. It’s almost as if they’re prepared to love me, they’re just not prepared to love Nikki, and that’s what hurts the most. My parents will be going to their house for Christmas dinner, as always- but it’s been made very clear to me that unless I go in ‘fully masculine mode’, I will not be welcomed in their house- so for Christmas this year, I’ll be completely alone.

Those thoughts plague my mind as Katie’s mum drives me home. Whilst Katie’s mum is right in that I have a whole two weeks off of college, deep down I’d actually rather be there, and amongst friends, than in a tense home environment.

“Welcome home, free woman!” Dad greets me as I step into my warm living room. “Well, free for two weeks anyway!”

“Thanks,” I say, slipping off my coat, hat and boots and crashing on the sofa.

“Got anything special planned for the break?” Dad asks. “Are you and your friends going to go carolling wearing tiny Santa outfits?” I roll my eyes at my father’s teasing- he may have accepted me being a girl, but if anything that’s made it harder for him to accept me being a grown-up woman!

“Not in this weather!” I joke.

“Good,” dad says, sitting in his chair. “Nikki… We need to talk about Christmas Day.”

“Urgh,” I moan, cuddling a cushion. “Do we have to?”

“We’re going to have to sooner or later,” dad sighs. “You know we’ve all been invited to your mother’s parents’, right?”

“I am NOT going as a boy,” I state firmly. “I’m a girl. End of story.”

“I know,” dad says, looking increasingly uncomfortable. “But- oh god, I can’t believe I’m asking this- is there a chance you could, maybe, compromise?”

“How am I supposed to ‘compromise’ my gender?” I ask, confused and slightly angry by what my dad’s asking.

“Well,” dad stammers, “maybe wear something that’s, maybe, androgynous? So you wouldn’t be overtly female, but not overtly male, either?”

“Are you serious?” I ask, anger seeping into my voice. “Why should I hide what I am? Why don’t you and mum go androgynous as well?”

“Well, um,” dad says, clearly taken aback by my fury. “It’s obvious what myself and your mother are…”

“And it’s obvious what I am, too,” I state firmly. “I. AM. A. GIRL.” Dad sighs, knowing that he won’t win this argument.

“You’re right,” dad mumbles. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I asked you what I just did.”

“Apology accepted,” I say softly. “I’m not going to apologise for who I am. I shouldn’t have to, not even to my grandparents.” Seeing that I’m still hurt from what he asked, dad gets out of his chair and sits down next to me, giving me an awkward, yet fatherly hug.

“Don’t ever apologise for who you are,” dad advises. “On Christmas, you go round to your grandparents wearing whatever you want. No matter what happens, we’ll stand by you, because you’re our daughter, and that’s what’s most important of all.”

“Thanks,” I sniffle, returning dad’s hug.

“Would now be good time to spoil the fact that we’ve got you a really nice dress for Christmas?” Dad asks, making me giggle.

I’m up early for work the next morning, as with it being the run-up to Christmas, the shops are busier than ever. As the days have got colder I’ve found myself more frequently wearing trousers to work, but following last night’s ‘chat’ with dad I have a greater than normal urge to feel feminine, so I slip on a pair of thick black tights and my usual work skirt instead. Once I’m fully dressed, I grab my coat and handbag and head out, making sure to give both my parents goodbye cheek kisses as I do.

After a fairly hectic four hours on the shop floor, I finally get permission from my supervisor to head off for lunch, where I (of course) meet up with Sarah- who is somewhat confused by my attire.

“What’s with the skirt?” Sarah asks whilst greeting me with a hug, before smoothing her own trousers as she sits down. “I thought we agreed we could skip the ‘skirt solidarity’ for winter.”

“Ugh,” I moan. “My grandparents. AGAIN. Just… Really needed to feel feminine today.”

“Oh no, what happened?” Sarah asks, supportively holding my hand.

“My dad,” I sigh. “He wants me to be ‘androgynous’ when I go to them for Christmas, figures that if it isn’t blindingly obvious that I’m a girl, they’ll be more inclined to accept me.”

“Well that’s stupid,” Sarah spits. “It IS blindingly obviously that you’re a girl. It’s about time your old folks accepted that!” Before I can reply, our intimate conversation is interrupted by two new arrivals.

“Hi girlies!” Dannii exclaims excitedly, giving both me and Sarah a hug.

“Hi Snikki!” Lauren giggles, using our ‘couple portmanteau’ name- that Sarah and I both despise.

“Hi Dannii, Hi Lauren,” I say tiredly, returning both girls’ hugs.

“It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!” Dannii squeaks. “What have the cutest couple in London got planned, hmm?”

“Oh, you know,” Sarah says. “Just family, that sort of thing. I’ll probably get dragged around to see my dad at some point. Still haven’t got my brother and sister any presents yet…”

“Ah, the joys of being an only child, right Nikki?” Dannii asks, making me blush slightly.

“How can I be an only child,” I ask with a smug smile, “when I’ve got the four best sisters in the world?” The table cheers and giggles at my joke.

“THREE sisters,” Sarah corrects me. “Unless you want to be guilty of incest…” I giggle and give Sarah a quick kiss, much to Dannii & Lauren’s amusement!

“Oh my god,” Dannii exclaims, “I just realised, Nikki, this’ll be your first Christmas as a girl, won’t it?”

“Yep!” I say, smiling outwardly but feeling sad about the conflict with my family.

“That’s so cool!” Lauren says warmly. “Dannii, we’ve GOT to celebrate that somehow!”

“I dunno, it’s gonna be hard getting a party together this close to Christmas,” Dannii says, before looking me in the eyes and grinning widely. “Doesn’t mean I’m not gonna try, though! You free Monday?” I look at Sarah, and almost immediately we’re both wearing broad smiles on our faces.

“I am now!” I say happily, to yet more cheering and giggling!

Lunch passes far too quickly- as it always seems to do when I’m eating with the girls- but as I walk back to work, I get an unexpected surprise.

“Hey!” Dannii says, suddenly appearing alongside me. “Walk you back to work?”

“Sure!” I say- even though Dannii’s presence is exhausting at the best of times and I need all the energy I can get today!

“Need to get some more presents for my mum,” Dannii explains. “Thought I could get them at your store?”

“Dannii,” I say with a coy smile, “if you wanted to hang out with me a little more, you could always just say that!” Dannii giggles at my teasing, playfully holding onto my arm as we walk.

“God, I wish you didn’t have to do such boring work,” Dannii sighs. “It should be you and me modelling together. Especially if it’s for Joshua Benedict!” I smirk at Dannii’s mention of that particular agency, especially as she never told us exactly how her interview with them went two months ago…

“New Angels forever!” I laugh, playfully grabbing one of Dannii’s arms as we walk off, both giggling uncontrollably.

True to her word, Dannii buys her presents and leaves, but not before talking my ear off whilst I try to work. The distraction isn’t entirely unwelcome, though- especially as she’s complimentary about my choice of skirt!

I eventually arrive home at 6:30pm, having accepted my manager’s offer of paid overtime, and collapse on the sofa feeling utterly exhausted- both from work and from Dannii!

“Oh, stop wilting,” dad chastises. “Think of all the extra money!”

“It is a nice thought,” I say with a smile. “I can’t pay someone to make me less knackered, though!”

“Nope,” mum agrees, bringing a hot plate of food through from the kitchen. “That’s what dinner’s for!”

After dinner- during which I find myself wishing that my skirt’s waistband had a bit more give to it- we while away the evening watching television. Mum and I are huge fans of Strictly Come Dancing. Dad is less of a fan, but knows better than to argue when he’s outnumbered by two women!

“God, all their dresses are so beautiful,” I coo at the clothes the dancers are wearing. “I’d love to go on Strictly one day…” Almost immediately as I say that, my phone beeps, letting me know I have a new Facebook message- and unsurprisingly, it’s from Dannii.

“…And that’s all we’ll hear from our daughter for the next hour,” dad jokes as I read the message.

‘Watching?’ Dannii asks.

‘Of course!’ I reply.

‘Abbey's dress is so gorgeous!!!’ Dannii enthuses. ‘Reckon you can get your girlfriend to make us dresses like that? I know someone who might like a ‘Strictly’ theme for her 17th…’ I roll my eyes as I type out my reply.

‘Lol, make me even more like Jamie-Lee, why don’t you?’ I type, laughing as I get a sticking-out tongue smiley in reply.

‘Seriously though,’ Dannii replies, ‘we HAVE to have a Strictly party some time- even though you and Sarah mean that we’ll have two girls dancing together!’

‘What do you say, girls?’ I type out in reply, but before I hit send, I remember that Dannii’s been referring to Sarah in the third person- and checking the top of the screen confirms my suspicions- it’s just me and her in this chat window! I hastily delete my message and type out a new one.

‘Should we get the others in here and see what they say to the party?’ I ask.

‘Oh, you know they’ll all say yes!’ Dannii replies. There’s a brief pause as I try to figure out a way out of this one-on-one chat.

‘Yeah,’ I reply, ‘but Sarah and Lauren are going to have to make the dresses, if we ask them now, they can get a head-start?’

‘Very true,’ Dannii replies, her response seeming unusually curt when not accompanied by the usual army of emoticons. Almost immediately, three notifications pop into the window: ‘Sarah Phillips has joined the conversation’, ‘Katie Henderson has joined the conversation’, ‘Lauren Burnett has joined the conversation’.

‘Hey girlies!’ I type. ‘I take it everyone’s watching?’

‘The Strictly final?’ Lauren asks.

‘Also known as ‘the most important TV show of the year’?’ Katie jokes. ‘Who ISN’T watching?’ I grin wider as I keep typing.

‘Miss Samson here has had the idea that one of us ought to have a Strictly themed party for her 17th,’ I type, feeling simultaneously proud, yet guilty at whipping the rug out from underneath Dannii’s feet.

‘Ooh, me me me!’ Katie types. ‘My birthday’s next!’

‘Slow down!’ Sarah types. ‘I can’t make 5 dresses in 3 weeks!’

‘Lol,’ Dannii types, ‘you can just chuck a bit of fringing on a leotard for mine. My legs are my best feature anyway.’ I roll my eyes at Dannii’s ego’s near-immediate recovery.

‘Lol,’ Lauren types, adding a kissing emoticon to the end of her message.

‘If you can’t make it for January,’ I type, ‘we can always do that for my 17th in March!’ Predictably, this earns me a sticking-out tongue smiley from Katie and a string of smiley faces from Dannii.

‘Oh no no no,’ Sarah types. ‘I already know what I’m doing for your 17th!’ I reply with a kissing emoticon of my own, which Sarah copies into her reply, and we spend the next minute and a half dominating the chat window with our virtual kissing!

‘AHH!’ Dannii types. ‘SO MUCH KISSING!’ Needless to say, Sarah and I exchange even more virtual kisses before more angry messages from Katie and Lauren persuade us to stop.

‘GLF,’ I type with a string of smiley faces after it.

Needless to say, I all but drain my phone’s battery chatting with the girls for the rest of the night, before eventually collapsing into bed just after 11:30pm.

Whilst asleep, I find myself back in my favourite recurring dream. As always, I’m dressed in a pristine white wedding dress, stood at the altar with my bride in front of me wearing an identical dress.

“You may kiss the bride,” the minister says, but as I lift the veil to kiss my new wife, it’s not Sarah’s face underneath the veil, but Dannii’s…

“Aah!” I yell, waking with a start, before relaxing back into my warm, toasty bed. “It’s just a dream,” I whisper to myself. “It doesn’t mean anything…” It doesn’t mean anything… Does it? I get up the following day just after 10am, feeling fully refreshed for the much-needed lie-in despite the fitful nature of my sleep.

“Good afternoon,” dad jokes as I pad down the stairs and slump into a chair in the kitchen.

“What time is Sarah coming over?” Mum asks.

“About 11,” I reply, eating my already-laid out breakfast. “Dannii’s said she wants us to have a ‘Christmas party’ tomorrow so we’ll probably be getting stuff for that.”

“As long as there’s no alcohol, I hope!” Mum orders. “That Dannii’s a strange girl…” I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from agreeing with my mum.

“No, no alcohol,” I say, though knowing Dannii, there’s no guarantee- she can easily pass for 18 and has boasted about getting into nightclubs on several occasions.

“Well, regardless, you have fun both today and tomorrow,” dad says. “Now you’re one of the ‘cool kids’ we’ll just have to get used to seeing you first thing in the morning and last thing at night, I guess…” Laughing, I make sure to give dad a quick hug before heading upstairs to get ready.

After showering, I get ready for what won’t be a typical lazy Sunday. Knowing that I’ll be spending the whole day with Dannii- around whom you do have to ‘keep up appearances’- my outfit for the day consists of a flared black miniskirt, opaque black tights, a tight red turtleneck (similar to the one I wore on Friday) and ankle booties with a 2.5” heel. After making sure my make-up and nail polish is immaculate, I grab my coat and handbag and head downstairs to where Sarah is already waiting for me.

“Hey Nikki!” Sarah says, greeting me with a quick hug. “Are you ready?”

“Given that she’s only been up 45 minutes, I’m guessing ‘no’!” Dad jokes, earning himself a stern glare from me.

“Let’s go,” I say, making sure to give both my parents cheek kisses as I depart.

“Hey girlies!” Dannii yells excitedly, greeting us both with hugs as we meet inside the vast shopping centre.

“Hi Nikki, Hi Sarah,” Dannii’s boyfriend- greets us, though less energetically than his girlfriend.

“Hi Jordan,” I say to the tall young man, though he doesn’t say anything further- like everyone I know, he’s aware of my ‘status’, and has always been a little wary around me as a result.

“Oh my god,” Dannii enthuses, “I’ve had SO many ideas for the party, I can’t wait to get going!”

“Just so you know,” Sarah says, trying to calm our friend’s enthusiasm, “we’ve both spent ridiculous amounts of money on presents and are now skint, so costumes are kinda not gonna happen.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Dannii says dismissively. “Just wear your sexiest skirts and your silliest Christmas jumpers! We ARE meant to be celebrating Miss Thomas’s first Christmas as a member of the best gender, remember?” I blush a little as Jordan shoots another wary glance in my direction.

“There’s really no need to go to so much trouble,” I argue, knowing deep down that Dannii’s mind is already made up.

“Oh, of course there is!” Dannii insists. “Hey, maybe we should do a secret Santa? Like, a proper secret Santa?”

“Lack of money?” Sarah reminds Dannii.

“We’ll make it a £5 limit,” Dannii counters. “Just something silly to open on Christmas morning!” Sensing that we’re not going to change her mind about this- or anything related to the party- Sarah and I simply tag along with Dannii for the rest of the day as she gathers the supplies necessary for tomorrow’s party.

Needless to say, when we arrive back at my house just after 5pm, both myself and Sarah are utterly exhausted.

“Hi girls,” dad says as we collapse together on my sofa. “Oh stop that, you’re supposed to be teenagers! Supposed to be full of rebellious energy!”

“Did you get everything you need for the party tomorrow?” Mum asks.

“Probably,” I sigh, making Sarah laugh. “Dannii didn’t show us where she got her energy from, but everything else seems ready.”

“The reason we’re having this party,” Sarah explains, “is because it’s Nikki’s first Christmas as a girl, and that needs celebrating!”

“Damn right it does!” Dad says with a warm smile. “I mean, she’s our only child so we spoil her every Christmas, but still…”

“Thanks, dad,” I sigh.

“You’re very welcome, Nicola!” Dad laughs. “Do you want to stay for dinner, Sarah?”

“Please,” Sarah gratefully answers. “Actually, my mum’s off seeing my great-uncle in Norfolk today, she’s not going to get back until late tonight, so I was, um, kinda wondering…” Sensing what Sarah’s trying to ask, I finish her sentence for her.

“Can Sarah stay over tonight?” I ask boldly. Unsurprisingly, dad simply sighs and rolls his eyes.

“You’re growing up too fast,” dad moans. “Both of you are.” A brief, awkward silence fills the room.

“Was that a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’?” I ask.

“It was a ‘yes’,” dad confirms. “As if I’d be able to stop you either way!”

“Thanks, dad!” I say with a giggle as Sarah and I snuggle up closer to each other.

“Yeah, thanks, dad!” Sarah giggles. After a hearty dinner and a lazy evening mostly spent watching TV, Sarah and I head up to bed together just after 10pm.

"Your parents are so cool," Sarah sighs as she strips to her bra and panties and huddles under my warm bed sheets.

"I know," I sigh, stripping to my own underwear and snuggling up next to Sarah. "I dunno if they'd be so keen if I was still Nick..."

"Oh whatever," Sarah snorts. "Nikki's so much better than Nick, anyway!" I can help but feel sad, despite Sarah's insistence.

"Yeah, but if I was Nick, we wouldn't just be cuddling now..." I say. Sarah simply smiles at me sadly.

"I've told you a million times," Sarah says reassuringly. "That body part isn't the reason I love you so much. YOU are."

"I know that, I really do," I moan, "but I can't help but feel, like, that I'm letting you down..."

"STOP WHINGING!" Sarah mock-scolds me. "Would it make you feel better if I said that I was into girls all along and I only let you do 'that' to me because you're, well, you?" I look down at Sarah expectantly.

"Is that true?" I ask.

"Well..." Sarah says. "...No, not really, sex with Nick was pretty awesome! But it's sex with Nikki that I want!"

"Sex with Nikki is something you- we can't have," I sigh.

"Whoever said you needed a functioning penis to have sex?" Sarah laughs, diving her head underneath the covers. It doesn't take long for me to join her- and it doesn't take long for us to both reach orgasm at each other's hands (even if my own is a pale shadow of what it used to be).

"See?" Sarah asks, snuggling back into my embrace. "And when you get your proper girl parts, we'll be able to do that every night!" I giggle and cuddle Sarah tighter.

"You know," I say, still trying to catch my breath, "this may be Nikki's first Christmas, but it's our third!"

"I hadn't forgotten," Sarah says with a smile. "I hope when I see you on Boxing Day you'll have several packages of sexy underwear for me to unwrap?"

"I dunno," I tease. "I doubt I'd be sexy wearing THAT many pairs!" Sarah laughs as we while away the night teasing each other about the upcoming holiday, eventually falling asleep in each other's arms.

I wake up the following morning at 8am, still wrapped in Sarah's arms, neither of us wanting to leave the warm, loving embrace.

“Hey, gorgeous,” I whisper in Sarah’s ear, prompting a moan of content from her slumbering form.

“Hey,” Sarah whispers, giving me a quick kiss on the lips. “I don’t wanna get up today…”

“Me too,” I sigh. “Reckon we’d get away with skipping the party and just spending all day in bed instead?”

“I doubt we’d get away with skipping BREAKFAST and spending all morning in bed,” Sarah giggles, wriggling free from my embrace and sitting up. “I’d better shower first, doubt your parents would approve of us going in together!”

“They’re barely okay with us spending the night together,” I sigh as Sarah heads off to the bathroom. “See you in a bit, babe.”

After Sarah’s done in the shower and I’ve taken my turn, we get dressed for the day. Sarah simply wears the same jeans and sweater she wore yesterday- as she obviously doesn’t have any clothes at my house- and I pull on a pair of opaque black tights, a pair of denim shorts and a warm black turtle necked top- though obviously I’ll be changing for the party later on.

Even though it’s our first free weekday in a while, both Sarah and I need to get college work done, so Sarah departs shortly after 10am, leaving me alone to work on my project. I’ve barely started when a knock comes on my bedroom door.

“Can I come in?” Mum asks.

“Sure,” I answer, trying not to divert too much attention from my computer screen.

“You know,” mum starts hesitantly, “I’ve got to agree with what your father said yesterday, you ARE growing up too fast for my liking.”

“I’m not a little boy any more,” I say with a giggle. “I guess I never really was a little girl, either.”

“I know,” mum sighs. “You know how lucky you are that Sarah’s mum and ourselves let you spend the night together, right? If it wasn’t for your ‘treatments’ making it impossible for Sarah to get pregnant it probably wouldn’t happen at all.”

“Oh trust me,” I say with a smile, “I know how lucky I am. The last seven months have been the best part of my life by miles.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” mum says. “Just… Don’t grow up TOO fast, okay? You know at this party tonight there’ll probably be alcohol available to you, don’t feel pressured into having a drink just because all your friends are having one. ‘First hangover’ isn’t a milestone I want you to get to just yet!”

“I won’t,” I say semi-truthfully. Knowing Dannii, she’ll almost certainly have laid her hands on some booze, even if it is just beer or wine. And ‘first teenage rebellion’ is a milestone for any young person, regardless of their gender.

“I wish I could believe you,” mum sighs. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean it like that- I mean- I know you’re not a BAD kid, but you’re still a teenager, and god knows I rebelled when I was younger!” I giggle a bit- I’ve heard stories of my parents’ rebellions before.

“It doesn’t get any more rebellious than changing your gender,” I laugh.

“CORRECTING your gender,” mum says, giving me a quick hug. “I just wish you’d told us earlier so you could’ve been a ‘little girl’, if only for a short while.”

“No point crying over it now,” I sigh. “And it’s not like I’ve missed all the ‘little girl’ milestones. I’ll have my first dance recital in the next few months, I’ve kinda already had a sleepover…” Mum gives me a playful whack on the shoulder as we both giggle.

“Just as long as you’re happy and you stay out of trouble, that’s all that matters,” mum says. “And as for your grandparents, they’ll come to accept their granddaughter soon enough. I won’t let them NOT accept you.” I can’t help but grin as tears well in my eyes at the mention of my grandparents.

“Thanks, mum,” I whisper.

“I’ll let you get back to your work,” mum says, leaving me alone with my thoughts- though in truth, I’m finding it hard to actually get any work done, my thoughts are so crammed with Christmas, today’s party, my grandparents… Sarah…

I change for the party after dinner. As per Dannii’s instructions (and after applying a thick layer of make-up), I pull on a tight black miniskirt with bright red tights underneath and a pair of my highest heels- making sure beforehand that they’re comfortable enough to dance in! When I got rid of my ‘boy clothes’ in May I also got rid of all my old boy jumpers, including my Christmas jumpers, but luckily enough dad still has one that I can borrow (none of mum’s will fit me as I’m too tall). Even wearing my falsies, the jumper’s baggy- but what amuses me the most is that this jumper is the first piece of masculine clothing I’ll have worn in over seven months, and I can’t help but feel self-conscious as a result- even though I’m wearing a short skirt, high heels, red nail polish and excessive make-up.

“See you later!” I yell to my parents as I head out of the house.

“Have fun, and be careful!” Mum yells after me. Beverly gives myself and Sarah a lift to the party as Sarah doesn’t have her driving licence yet, and when we knock on the door, it’s unsurprisingly Dannii who answers.

“Wow,” Dannii breathes, looking at my outfit. “Rudolf with your tights so bright, won’t you join my sleigh tonight?” The three of us all giggle and exchange hugs before heading inside, where there are plenty of people- not just the ‘New Angels’ and boyfriends- already present, all wearing silly Christmas jumpers just like mine & Sarah’s.

“Great turnout!” I yell to Dannii over the noise of the music.

“Yeah,” Dannii agrees. “Pity my parents have insisted on kicking everyone out at 10:30. I can’t wait to get my own place so I can do whatever I want with whoever I want!”

“What’s stopping you?” Sarah asks. “After all, you’re always boasting about how you have a full-time income, after all.”

“Yeah,” Dannii says, “a full-time income that I want to spend on clothes and make-up, not rent and bills!” The three of us all giggle as Dannii hands us both glasses of drink- which, as predicted, has a strong alcoholic smell to it.

“The perks of having a 19 year old boyfriend!” Dannii explains. Even though I’m uncertain, I figure if I don’t drink TOO much, it can’t hurt, so the three of us gulp the drink down and quickly grab another before mingling with the rest of the party.

An hour and a half later, Sarah and I are huddled together on the sofa, already tipsy and tired. We’ve drank, danced and even had a go on Dannii’s karaoke machine- mine & Sarah’s rendition of ‘I wish it could be Christmas every day’ went down well, but naturally Dannii’s cover of ‘All I want for Christmas’ was the real hit, even if she did make a LOT of eye contact with me throughout the song.

“Hey girlies!” Lauren yells excitedly, snuggling on the sofa next to Sarah. “Great party, eh?”

“Yeah!” I agree, straightening my skirt.

“Where’s Michael?” Sarah asks, referring to Lauren’s boyfriend.

“Doing his job and getting me a drink,” Lauren laughs. “Hey, what do you two do when you’re two girls, like, who fetches the drinks?”

“NOT that your suggesting that boys are only useful as butlers, of course?” I ask, prompting a mass giggle.

“Oh, no offence intended,” Lauren says, realising her faux pas.

“None taken,” I say with a smile. “Because I’m not a boy!”

“Pick a name!” Dannii announces loudly, interrupting our conversation and holding an upside-down Santa hat in front of us. I reach in first and pick out the slip of paper, stealthily looking at it before reaching underneath my jumper and stuffing it in my bra (my skirt doesn’t have any pockets on it).

“Who’d you get?” Dannii asks.

“It’s a SECRET,” I reply, prompting yet another mass giggle. Sarah and Lauren quickly pick their names- also refusing to divulge who they got- before Dannii put her now-empty hat back on her head and snuggles next to me on the sofa.

“Where’s Jordan?” I ask.

“Throwing up, the lightweight!” Dannii laughs. “Sometimes I think boys are just useless.”

“No argument here!” Sarah laughs. “Thank god MY boyfriend has seen sense and joined the GOOD gender!” I laugh and give Sarah a long, soft kiss.

“Except I was never your boyfriend,” I giggle. “I was always your girlfriend.”

“And you always will be,” Sarah says, giving me another kiss and stroking my bright red legs.

Despite Dannii’s promise, the party rolls on until well past 10:30pm- though the noise levels do drop out of consideration for Dannii’s neighbours. Sarah and I are amongst the last to leave, just after 11pm.

“So cool,” Sarah sighs as we slide into the back seat of the taxi. “Go on, who’d you get?”

“I said, IT’S A SECRET,” I joke.

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” Sarah teases.

“We have done, several times!” I tease back, prompting a fit of giggles and confusing the poor taxi driver.

“Come on,” Sarah begs. “Don’t make me dive in there and find out for myself!” I take a deep sigh, as I know Sarah will follow through on her threat.

“I got Katie,” I say. “You?”

“Dannii,” Sarah says with a frown. “Dunno what the hell I’m supposed to get her.”

“A mirror?” I joke, making the two of us collapse in fits of giggles. “Oh, call me tomorrow, we’ll go shopping, figure something out.”

I eventually stumble through my front door just after 11:30pm, taking off my heels to make it easier for me to balance. As my parents are both in bed, I quietly creep up the stairs into my room, where I quickly strip off and climb into bed.

“Goodnight, Nikki,” dad tiredly says from his room as I switch off my nightlight. Silently cursing, I lay my head down on my pillow and quickly fall asleep, knowing I’ll have some explaining to do tomorrow…

I’m woken up the following morning by a non-stop pounding on my bedroom door. I blink my eyes open and wince at both the brightness of the sun outside and the noise of the banging. After pulling on a dressing gown, I open my bedroom door and stare into my father’s smug face.

“Good morning, sunshine!” Dad says happily as I wince.

“Do you really need to bang so hard?” I complain as I head downstairs and slump into a kitchen chair.

“I figure the best thing is for you to learn from your experiences,” dad laughs. “Enjoy your first hangover while it lasts!”

“Good morning Nikki!” Mum shouts happily. “I trust your head is throbbing nicely? Here, let me put on the radio for you!” I moan further as the loud music causes my head to start pulsing, before mum laughs and puts a glass of water and two paracetamol tablets in front of me.

“I suppose I was no worse at your age,” mum laughs as I gratefully gulp down the water and the painkillers. “So, did you have fun?”

“Yeah,” I say with a smile. And I did- obviously, I can’t remember everything that happened last night, but the karaoke, the dancing, and especially the snuggling on the sofa with Sarah… Bring on more!

After showering and getting dressed in thick black tights, my warm green sweater dress and my knee-high boots, I grab my coat and handbag and head out into the city centre- stopping first, of course, to give my parents a goodbye kiss each.

I meet up with Sarah at our usual Saturday lunch coffee shop, where she’s thankfully already got a hot cup of coffee ready and waiting for me.

“You are an absolute life saver,” I say, giving Sarah a kiss and sitting down next to her.

“We didn’t even drink that much,” Sarah complains as she sips her own coffee. “Dannii must’ve put vodka or something in that punch. Or whatever the hell that was supposed to be.”

“Well, at least you’ve got an idea of what to get her for her secret Santa,” I say with a giggle.

“If I was 11 months older,” Sarah sighs. “Did you get much of a roasting when you got home?”

“Nah,” I explain. “My parents don’t ground me any more, not now that I pay them board, I think for them me growing up is a bit like me being a girl- something they’re just going to have to accept whether they like it or not.”

“My mum’s the same,” Sarah says with a smile. “You should’ve seen the look on her face the other day when I booked my first driving lesson!”

“…And the drinking?” I ask.

“She wasn’t exactly over the moon,” Sarah sighs. “But, like you, I now contribute to the household… Part of me kinda wishes I had actually been grounded.”

“I know what you mean,” I say. “Things were so much easier when we were kids.”

“Yeah, but much less fun!” Sarah enthuses. I grin and look down at my short dress and nylon covered legs.

“You don’t know how right you are…” I say.

Shopping goes a lot quicker than it normally does, especially with Sarah and I being nearly skint and the shops being nearly empty on Christmas Eve. Fortunately, Katie’s always complaining about running out of memory space on her camera, so I pick her up a cheap SD card and quickly wrap that. Sarah has a harder time- Dannii has a tendency to buy whatever she needs as the need arises, so instead of clothes or cosmetics, Sarah- knowing Dannii’s love of cats- buys her a stuffed cat toy instead. I can’t help but chuckle at Sarah’s panic over whether or not Dannii will accept the gift!

After handing the present over to Jordan (who’s acting as the ‘Santa’ for the group) and being handed my own, I spend the rest of the day at Sarah’s house. Despite what Sarah said earlier, Beverly is clearly unhappy about last night’s party, though as always she’s polite to me, asking the usual questions about my transition, my family life and so forth.

I wake up just after 7am on Christmas morning and almost immediately bounce out of bed, pulling on a dressing gown and heading downstairs, where my parents are both already up and awake.

“Merry Christmas, Nikki!” Mum and dad both yell, greeting me with quick hugs.

“There’s your pile,” dad says, gesturing to the large pile of gaudily-wrapped gifts on the sofa. “Don’t wait for us, get stuck in!” After smiling and giving dad another hug, I do as he commands, quickly opening the presents. As they’d done for my 16th birthday earlier in the year, my parents have gone all out with their present buying- only this time, everything in the pile is something I either need or want. My usual packet of thick, black socks is replaced by packets of sheer black tights, the usual pair of jeans is replaced by a denim skirt, my t-shirts are replaced by cute crop tops and tank tops, my trainers are replaced by a pair of cute heels, my sports shorts are replaced by leggings and a new leotard, my deodorants and shaving sets are replaced by perfume and cosmetics. I even got that new dress my parents promised- a gorgeous long purple gown with long see-through sleeves that I eagerly pull on after showering! I complete my look with a new pair of black tights, my new heels, red nail polish and full make-up. After brushing my hair out, I head downstairs to approving smiles from my parents.

“Wow!” Mum beams. “You look so beautiful in that dress!”

“Thanks,” I say nervously, sitting down on the now-empty sofa and crossing my legs.

“And thanks for the vouchers!” Dad says, holding aloft the vouchers I bought him for the store where I work (they sell menswear too- not that I’m interested in that, obviously!). “A bit unimaginative, but I guess you are a teenager…”

“Are you ready to head out?” Mum asks, holding my hand supportively.

“No sense putting it off,” I sigh, grabbing my coat and handbag and heading out to the car.

The 35-minute drive to my grandparents’ house is conducted in deathly silence, and by the time we arrive I’m fidgeting in my seat, I’m so anxious.

“Take a deep breath,” mum says, grabbing my arms for support. “No matter what happens now, you’re still our daughter, we still love you more than anything. This is YOUR Christmas. Not theirs.” I nod and step out of the car, standing behind mum as she rings the doorbell.

“Sandra!” My grandmother says, greeting my mum with a kiss. “Merry Christmas! You too, Chris! And- oh.” My grandmother’s face falls as she sees me stood on her doorstep in all my feminine glory.

“…No,” my grandmother says, shaking her head and pointedly looking away from me. “No, I’m letting THAT in my house. He can either dress properly or he can go home!”

“See you next year then,” mum says defiantly, instantly turning her back on her mother and leading me back to the car.

“Wait!” Grandma shouts after us. “You’re just going to go, just like that?”

“You’ve made it clear you’re not going to accept our daughter, so yes, we are going to go,” mum states.

“What’s happening?” Granddad asks, standing next to his wife in the doorway and bristling when he sees me in my dress and heels. “Why is he here dressed like THAT?”

“SHE,” dad says. “You address Nikki as ‘she’, not ‘he’.”

“Don’t be stupid,” granddad spits. “He’s a boy and he always will be!” By now I’m shaking, both from the cold and from nerves, and my mum’s supporting hands on my shoulders are the only thing preventing me from collapsing in a heap.

“SHE. IS. A. GIRL," dad insists. “Some people are born the wrong gender, and Nikki just happens to be one of those people. Now YOU can either accept it, or we’ll go home and spend Christmas by ourselves.”

“But- but it’s not healthy,” grandma pleads.

“Nikki’s been happier and healthier than she’s been in years,” mum says smugly. “She’s doing well at college, she has a group of friends who care deeply about her, she’s even more physically fit than she was 12 months ago.”

“She doesn’t look happier,” granddad snorts.

“That’s because her grandparents are standing in judgement over her on Christmas Day,” dad retorts. “Also, ‘she’ doesn’t look happier?”

“Oh, um,” granddad blurts, backtracking at having been caught out. Seeing that her argument is falling apart, grandma comes up to me and speaks to me, face-to-face.

“Nick,” grandma says softly.

“Nikki,” I whisper.

“N-Nikki,” grandma stutters. “Is- is this what you really want? I need you to tell me honestly. Are you being forced to do this?”

“Of course not,” I sniffle, blinking tears out of my eyes. “This is what I want, this is what I’ve wanted for my whole life! Even if you paid me a million pounds, I wouldn’t go back to being a boy.” Looking in my eyes and seeing that I’m sincere, grandma leans forward and gives me an uneasy, comforting hug.

“I’m sorry,” grandma whispers. Seeing that the rest of the family is standing against him, granddad slowly walks over to me.

“I-“ granddad hesitates, before lowering his head in shame. “I’m sorry too, Nick-Nikki.” I exchange a very awkward hug with the elderly gentleman, before grandma claps her hands.

“Now than,” grandma says with a smile on her face, “we can’t stand out here in the cold all day!” with a broad smile on my face and tears of happiness in my eyes, I follow the rest of the family into the small bungalow.

My grandparents’ presents to me are, as expected, all masculine- football DVDs, shaving kits and the like- so my grandparents are naturally deeply apologetic, assuring me that they’ll keep the receipts and return them for more ‘appropriate’ gifts after the weekend. By the time the Queen’s Speech comes on TV, I’ve been all but fully accepted by the old folks as their granddaughter, and by the time we finish our dinner just after 6:30pm, it’s as if I’d always been a girl.

When it comes to leave the house at 8pm, I exchange long hugs with both grandparents, with none of the earlier awkwardness.

“Let’s not leave it seven months next time, okay?” Grandma asks.

“You got it,” I say with a happy, contented smile on my face.

“And you bring that girlfriend of yours next time too!” Grandma jokes as my parents and myself start the long journey home.

After arriving home I head upstairs and take off my earrings and replace my dress with my new denim skirt and a new top. Before I head downstairs, my eyes are drawn to one final present that I forgot this morning- my secret Santa present from (one of) the girls. I unwrap it slowly, and gasp at the sight inside- a silver charm bracelet with two charms attached underneath- one letter ‘N’ and one letter ‘D’.

“No prizes for guessing who this is from,” I mumble, slipping the bracelet on my wrist, grabbing my phone and heading downstairs. Once I’m on my couch, I open up Facebook and type out a new message to Dannii.

‘Hey,’ I type.

‘Hey Nikki!’ Dannii replies almost instantly. ‘Merry Christmas!!!’

‘Merry Christmas, secret Santa!’ I type, followed by a winking emoticon.

‘OMG,’ Dannii replies, ‘was it THAT obvious?’

‘A charm bracelet with an ‘N’ and a ‘D’ on it? Kinda, yeah,’ I reply.

‘The charms came from my own bracelet,’ Dannii replies. ‘Used to have D-A-N-N-I-I on it, I spent all the budget on your bracelet so I didn’t have any other money to get two Ks or an L, a K or an S, so I figured I’d give you the N and the D to get you started!’

‘Well it’s really cool, thank you so much!’ I reply, not fully believing Dannii’s explanation.

‘My pleasure,’ Dannii replies. ‘Merry Christmas girlie! xxxxxxx’ I close Facebook and put my phone away- Dannii’s present is a lot more personal than either one bought by myself or Sarah, and I’ll bet it’s a lot more personal than either of the ones Katie or Lauren got. I love Dannii as a friend, and probably always will, but the more I speak to her, the more I suspect she may feel more for me- and that’s something that can never happen. I love Sarah. I LOVE love Sarah. My presents for her- that we’ll exchange tomorrow- are personal and intimate, as they should be between two lovers regardless of age.

I suppose I shouldn’t complain- as mum said to my grandparents, I have great friends who’d do anything for me, just as I’d do anything for them. But- Sarah excepted, of course- that’s all they are, friends. And hopefully that’s all they’ll remain…