The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2550 by Angharad Copyright© 2015 Angharad

---

“Mummeeee,” rent the air and did possible permanent damage to my eardrums. It was followed by a tsunami of bodies clad in school uniform—the girls were back, I suspect they were pleased to see me. I then had to listen to the latest goings on. Trish and Sister Vagina were locked in an argument over quantum mechanics—doesn’t the woman ever learn? Most of the finer points went over my head including the bit where Trish demolished her argument using something called proton tunnelling.

I smiled in the right places while Livvie yawned, Mima whined and Danielle went off to change and do her homework. Eventually Trish either finished or suffered acute laryngitis because it went quiet. “Well?” she demanded.

“Obviously Sister Virginia must be a silly old quark.”

The other two looked at Trish who processed what I’d said and suddenly burst into laughter, they laughed too. “Yes, very good,” she commented on my reply, they went off to change and Trish confided to the others, “She didn’t have a clue did she?”

“Nah,” was the reply. Outgunned by ten year olds I did the only thing I could do, filled the kettle and made a pot of tea. While it brewed I got drinks for the girls plus a digestive biscuit. I also wondered if I should have included a degree in particle physics amongst the qualifications required for housekeeper.

The rest of the evening was more normal with no further conversations about physics mainly because Simon was full of the meeting and Henry’s put down of my dissenter.

“Oh?” said Stella which gave Simon the opening he wanted to tell the story in full. I cleared the table with help from Julie while Jacquie and Phoebe took care of the little ones. While I was up I made drinks for everyone and as I passed a tea to Stella she said, “How come you didn’t mention this character from the meeting?”

“What for?”

“Well, I mean fancy him thinking that banks were there to make money?”

“I don’t have a problem with that provided some of it is shared for good causes as well as shareholders.”

“Given to you, you mean?”

“Yeah—what’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing,” she said and smirked then added, “no conflict of interest then?”

“No, it will all be fully accounted for and overseen by a couple of trustees.”

“You and who else?”

“Dan.”

“The manager of the woodland centre?”

“He is, but the trustees will be from the university. D’you realise we’re second only to Cambridge in importance regarding mammal distribution. We’ve even overtaken Sussex.”

“Is that important?” asked Stella.

“It’s not going to get us into the Russell group, but then we’re too small for them.”

“Apart from that why’s it important?”

“It’s going to increase our appeal to new students, preferably ones who are a little brighter than some of the ones we get now.”

“I thought a degree was a degree.”

“I think you’ll find one from Oxbridge or London carries a bit more weight than one from the smaller universities.”

“Like yours you mean?”

“Ours are being looked at with a bit more favour than they used to be. Daddy started the improvement...”

“And you’ve taken it further?”

“Shall we say I’ve continued the trend.”

“Aren’t you supposed to have published papers and so on?”

“I’ve done three on the survey, all peer reviewed and accepted by three respectable journals.”

“So how many is that altogether?”

“Papers or ones on the survey?”

“Altogether.”

“Ten including a couple on dormice published when I was still at Sussex, I was a co-author with Prof Herbert and another girl Alice something, can’t remember.”

“Springs?” suggested Stella.

“What?”

“You know, Alice Springs.”

I rolled my eyes treating it with the contempt it deserved. “Dungannon.”

“What is?”

“The woman who co authored the paper, Alice Dungannon.”

“What was the paper called?”

“Dormice as indicators of the health of broadleaf woodland.”

“Rivetting, what about the other one?”

“The other paper?”

“Duh,” she shook her head.

“Preferential factors in choice of nestbox use amongst dormice in East Sussex.”

“You do that on your own?”

“Mostly. It was the basis of my dissertation.”

“So what makes a nest box irresistible to a dormouse?”

“Dunno, do I.”

“But you got a BSc for it?”

“All I could do was measure what factors I could identify. They preferred tree mounted ones to posts. I played about with all sorts of data, measured heights from ground, directions they faced, types of tree plus analysed about a thousand records of surveys in the woods we used.”

“So that was what you were doing up in your room while wearing your little skirt and top was it?”

“Don’t forget the high heeled shoes, Stella.”

“So our little swot was all dressed up with lots of data to play with.”

“I spent weeks analysing data or out in the field collecting it.”

“That’s why they gave you a first, was it?”

“Gave who a first?” interrupted Tom having emerged from his study for a fresh coffee.

“Our favourite dormouse wrestler,” Stella teased.

“Och that, aye, wis deserved.”

“I don’t doubt it, Cathy was saying she spent hours analysing data for it.”

“Aye, why d’ye think I offered her a post graduate place here. She wis jest whit I needed f’ thae survey.”

“You head hunted her?”

“Aye, Esmond ken we were trying tae pit it together and told me aboot this clever young thing he had doing her BSc. He telt me aboot a’ the data you’d sorted and hoo ye’d influenced their future system of collection.”

“If she was so clever why didn’t he offer her the post grad thingy there?”

“I am here,” I said blushing.

“I telt ye, he ken’t we were daein’ the survey or looking tae dae it, he also ken’t she needed to move to sort hersel’ oot, an’ I had some experience o’ dealin’ wi’ it.”

“How come I didn’t get a transfer fee? If I’d been a footballer I would have done.”

Tom shook his head, “Ye got a master’s wis that no enough and material aplenty tae dae yer doctorate...”

“And half my wardrobe plus my brother and every waif and stray with gender problems in Portsmouth.”

“Okay, so it was a good move.” The sudden burst of heat through my skin tended to indicate that I didn’t feel half as nonchalant as I suggested. I owed a great deal to two crazy professors, a psycho nurse and her darling brother, and loads of needy children who in fulfilling their own need did the same for mine. I was possibly the luckiest woman alive. A yawn broke through my defences and I also considered I was also tiredest.

It was early to bed that night, almost before the children and I went off as soon as my head hit the pillow. I heard Si come up but didn’t move, he pecked my cheek and turned in himself.

“So you finally understand how we spent much time and effort enabling you to prepare for your task.”

“I thought that was just due to the fact that two professors knew each other and me and were aware that I had certain skills and needs.”

“How d’you think we operate?”

“I don’t know, milady.”

“Catherine, sometimes I feel you haven’t developed as much as you were supposed to. We might have to use Patricia, though she is but yet too young.”

“She is very young. Help me to improve my deficiencies to achieve whatever it is you wish me to do.”

“But we don’t exist outside your imagination, do we, Catherine?”

“I don’t know, milady.”

“So it would seem, Catherine, so it would seem.”