I am sitting in Joy’s office. It is almost nine o’clock in the morning and Joy is bleary-eyed and drinking what looks like a really strong cup of coffee that Shauna had brought her. I am sipping on a cup of hot tea. Joy takes a sip of coffee, closes her eyes for a second, opens them and smiles weakly at me. She says, “Sorry, Terry, I didn’t sleep well last night. I had some bad dreams—but you look rested.” I smile back and say, “It didn’t start out that way for me either. I was having some…strange dreams when I first fell asleep, too.”

Joy gives me an interested look and takes another sip of coffee. Then she asks, “Do you remember them? Can you tell me about them?” I sigh and explain, “I don’t really know how to tell you. It was really weird. I think the dream was about how I feel about this whole thing.” Joy nods and says, “That is what dreams usually are—your subconscious working its way through difficult situations.” I nod and say, “In the dream I was a…nothing. I mean I was a guy, but not really—and I was a girl, but not really. Then it sort of transitioned and I was beautiful…as a girl. You know the type of drop-dead gorgeous that every girl would envy and every guy would fall all over themselves for… But I was still not really a girl...”

Joy excuses herself and gets some more coffee. When she comes back in, she asks, “So, does that bother you? You want to be a girl?” I shake my head and say, “No, not really. In the dream, I was this beautiful creature, but I was OK with not really being a girl… It is confusing to say the least.” Joy looks at me and asks, “So, is being that beautiful important to you?” I blush and say after a moment, “I guess I am as vain as anybody. Sure, I want to look good.” Joy asks, “As…or better said, like a girl?” I pause…and nod, slightly unsure. After another moment, I say with more conviction, “Yes, I think so. I can’t explain it.”

Joy takes a sip of her coffee, looking more alert now, and says, “Well, we have talked about some of the things that have stirred this desire in you. It is hard to say whether you would have come to this without the circumstances of the past couple of weeks—but, at this point, it is sort of irrelevant. You are there now. The question is, what do you want to do about it?” I sigh and take some sips of tea to cover my discomfort. Then, knowing she won’t give up, I say, “I don’t know. I don’t know that I have much choice. I went with Mom yesterday, like you ‘suggested’ and told her what we had discussed yesterday. She bought me a fairly expensive bra at VS. I didn’t get more than one because I figured it wouldn’t fit too long. Sure enough, I grew another cup size just last night—it already doesn’t fit. My girl’s clothes are fitting much better. The curves they are cut for are starting to match up with my curves… I am getting a feminine figure… My face is looking more feminine; I even think my nose is a little smaller…I don’t know what to do…”

Joy looks at me, unrelenting, and asks, “Yes, I can see all of that. Yet, you still have not said whether it bothers you. You said you were OK with it in your dream. Are you? I want you to think about that. Think about it really hard. I don’t want an answer right now. What I do want is for you to know that what has been done can be undone—if that is what you want. But this is sort of like in the fairy tales—you only get one shot at this. What my energies can do for you is allow your subconscious to manifest itself. That is why what is happening to you now is happening. When you are ready, I will infuse you with more energy to finish out what was unintentionally started—with M.S. guiding me this time. Whatever you have decided you want, to be your old self, to be a full girl, or where you are going now is what will manifest itself. And, yes, I did say a full girl…that can happen if it is really what you want…”

I sit there and blink. Is she kidding me? No—I don’t think so… Look at what is happening to me now… Finally, I nod and we end the session.

I groan as I look at the clock. Seven o’clock and I have a session with Terri in less than two hours. I put on a pot of coffee and take a long hot shower. My night’s ‘research’ on ‘witches’ was less than satisfactory. I will have to use some of the school’s resources, but carefully…

With strong coffee in hand, my eyes feeling like they have been sand-blasted, I have my session with Terri. I am taken aback by how much more…feminine she looks; just since yesterday. She is getting a figure that won’t quit…and her face…is becoming quite stunning.

I think we are making progress…I am learning as much from this as she is, though. I finally understand that I really didn’t change Terri. I just allowed Terri to change Terry. The problem is that it may have been premature to allow that change…the internal struggle between Terry and Terri had not been settled—it was still too influenced by Christi’s involvement. Well, and the unintentional chaos caused with the girl’s clothing. I now am confident that things will be put right, once Terri decides on what she wants…whatever that may be—although, I have my suspicions.

I leave Joy’s center and take the short bus ride to the mall. My first order of business is to get a new bra. I don’t go to VS this time, since it would just be a waste of money, I am sure. I go into Sears and find a B-cup bra that should fit according to my measurements. I pay for it and go up to NYC. I hug Amanda who has a surprised look on her face—I guess my changes are noticeable to more than just me. I go into one of the changing booths and exchange the sports bra that I had borrowed from Mom for the new ‘real’ bra. It is still the pushup kind that makes me look more like a C-cup; but it has less padding than my old one.

I go through the store and pick out a couple of skirts and some more tops…not worrying about them being able to pass a guy’s shirt, this time. When it is time to pay, I hand Ms. M. the check Mom had written out and only have to add ten dollars of my own money to cover the new purchases. Ms. M. gives me my check that she would have withheld to pay for my stuff before Mom paid and I go back into the mall to get some shoes to go with my new outfits.

An hour later, I am on the bus home…somewhat poorer, but three pair of shoes richer. I get off the bus and walk the short distance to the house. I wave to Mrs. Constance next door, who gives me a double-take. Even though I am in jeans and t-shirt, I guess I just present now as ‘feminine’…

I really need to think this through… What DO I want…? This feels good…right… But IS it right?

Shortly after Terri leaves, Emily knocks and comes into my office. She comes over gives me a kiss and says, “Hey Lover, you look like crap!” I smile wanly and say, “Yeah. It is probably a good thing you couldn’t stay over last night… I got about thirty minutes of sleep. I am running on pure caffeine right now…and you know me; I am not the coffee type.” Emily rubs my shoulders and says, “I guess M.S. is the cause of that lack of sleep?” I smile and say, “Well, her story certainly was. At least it did help me work through some things as far as Terri goes. I have a better understanding of what is happening. I still have no idea how to control it, though.” Emily finds a knot in my shoulder and expertly kneads it out. She says, “Well, what I got from M.S. is that you are not supposed to be able to—yet. I think you just need to be patient with her on that front. Ask questions, certainly. But trust her to guide you through this… I mean, what other choice do you really have?”

She gives me another kiss and goes back to her office. A few moments later, M.S. comes in. Shauna comes in right behind her with a pot of hot tea. M.S. just raises an eyebrow when she sees my cup of coffee. She smiles and asks, “Rough night?” I come over and sit at the table with her and say, “You could say that.” She laughs good-naturedly when I tell her about my ‘Darth Vader’ dream. She just listens as I tell her about my fruitless research on witches. She shows a great deal of interest as I tell her about my insights into my latest session with Terri. When I am done, she smiles and says, “Well, it seems you have had quite a time the last several hours…”

She takes a sip of tea and smiles at the taste. Shauna is becoming quite adept at making it—although, I really need to get a receptionist to do this sort of thing… It is quite below Shauna’s pay grade—not that she is complaining… M.S. continues, “We’ll talk about your dream in a bit. As for your research on witches…well, it will be interesting to see what you come up with.” She smiles and says, “Be careful. Don’t let people realize what you are researching…there would be difficult questions. We can talk about what you find out…it should be an interesting discussion. As for Terri; I am glad that you have settled down on that. Your insight is absolutely correct.”

She sips some more tea and continues, “Now for your dream. I don’t think I have to explain that to you, right?” She smiles as I shake my head. She continues, “So, I assume you do have more questions, though, right?” I sigh and nod…

I switch to a cup of tea and gather my thoughts. M.S. quietly waits. Finally, I ask, “One thing I am trying to understand…you said my…treatment as Joey was a test? First, how could you know that I would put myself into that position? Second, what would have happened if I had failed?” M.S. smiles and says, “Good questions. I had no idea that you would put yourself in that particular situation; although, given your upbringing, that was not a stretch, hmmm? The thing is that you would have been put into a different set of circumstances to test you if you had not let that one arise. As for what would have happened had you failed…? Well, I was confident that you would not, but if you had, I would have removed your memories of what had happened and your scholarship at St. Paul’s would have been terminated—to be replaced with one at another institution; across the country, of course, where you would have started fresh as Joey.”

I nod slowly and let that settle in. Then I ask, “OK. You said that we need to ground our ‘evil’ side, but that it is easier to ground our good side…to act on the side of evil. I have no idea how to ground myself…yet, I have used my energy… How does that work?” M.S. smiles and says, “My, you were paying attention. Yes, you have not been taught how to ground yourself. The thing is, you instinctively ground yourself on your evil side and draining off that energy. We will work on consciously doing that later—on knowing the difference between grounds… It is important that you not use the energy with the intent of something bad, though…you would likely instinctively ground your good side and that would not be good…” I nod slowly and say, “Ok, I guess that makes sense. So, where to now? I mean there is still so much for me to learn…”

M.S. smiles and says, “Patience, Child. It took me decades to learn to fully control my energy channels. Yours are not even fully developed, yet. Keep working on your physical balance and mental self-control. Ballet and yoga will help you there. We will keep taking cases here at the center. Working together, you will learn to read the streams and see the channels for the different elements. After that, we can work on grounding the sides…”