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“Because I’ve been a girl for fifteen years. Just wait, it’ll get worse, wait and see,” Show Me The Money! Chapter 16 by Arecee

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Chapter 16
 
I was in my room when the phone rang.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hi Jen, it’s Lindsey, you didn’t call.”

“I’m sorry, I forgot. Mom was giving me a lecture.”

“About what?”

“My clothes,” I responded.

“Oh God, don’t tell me. I get that one all the time. Lindsey, you’re spending too much on clothes, am I right?” she asked.

“How did you know?” I asked.

“Because I’ve been a girl for fifteen years. Just wait, it’ll get worse, wait and see,” she giggled.

I thought of how my day went and I had to agree with what she had said. I’ve been a girl for only a few weeks, and Mom is already getting on my case for the way I dress and spend my money. If it gets any worse, maybe I’ll be a boy after all, just kidding.

“I hope not,” I said.

“Are you doing anything the weekend after next?”

“I’m working

“Not during the day, but like at night?” she asked.

“No, why?”

“Because I’m having a party and I want you to come,” she said.

“Me? Really? Like me, Jennifer?” I asked.

“Of course silly, who else would I ask?”

“Well, Mark,” I said.

“I don’t even know Mark, I want you to come. You’re one of my best girl friends and I want you here,” she said.

Wow, wow, I had a girl friend that wanted me to come to a party, wow. I couldn’t believe it, me, Jennifer, the girl with some serious issues, was being asked to a party by someone that I thought was a bitch just weeks before. How could I have been so wrong? I guess girls think way differently than boys. When I was Mark, I would have never invited an enemy, not that Lindsey was an enemy, but gosh I would have hated that person forever. I wanted to hug Lindsey so bad right now that I could hardly speak.

“I’d love to be there,” I said.

“Do you know anyone else that might like to come?” she asked.

“Would it be alright if I asked Shannon and Kate?”

“Sure, do you know any boys that might want to come?” she asked. “We need more boys than girls.”

“Mmm, how about Jack?” I asked.

“He’s cute, sure, do you know any others?” She asked.

Only ones that want to beat me up.

“No, wait, I do know someone I work with, but he’s a little bit older than us,” I said.

“That’s okay, my mom and dad will be home, so it’s okay,” she said.

“If I bring him, he’s all mine,” I giggled. My nervousness was showing over the phone.

Lindsey was silent for a while before she said anything.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” she asked.

All the merriment had gone out of her voice. I must have said something that bothered her, but I didn’t know what it was.

“No, I was just thinking of a boy I work with, that’s all. What’s wrong Lindsey?” I asked.

“It’s nothing. I shouldn’t have made a judgment.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know, well I hadn’t thought about you liking a guy, that’s all,” she said.

“What’s wrong if I did like a guy?”

“It’s nothing.”

“No it’s not. I said something you didn’t like. We're friends, tell me,” I said.

“Look Jennifer, it’s nothing personal, and I know girls like boys but, God this is so hard to say, shit, I hate this, but you’re not really a girl,” she said.

I felt as though Lindsey had stabbed my in the heart when she said that. Of course I’m a girl, it’s just that, shit, how could she say that? The time I had spent with Lindsey had been some of the best times of my life. I thought she had accepted me, heart and soul, as a girl. How could I have been so wrong? I was at a loss for words. I felt the tears fill my eyes as I pushed the button on my phone to end the call. I was sobbing as I fell onto my bed thinking I would never be accepted or normal.

My mom came into my room later and saw that I had been crying.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” she asked.

“It’s nothing,” I replied.

“You don’t cry for nothing, now tell me what’s wrong,” she asked.

“It was something Lindsey said, you wouldn’t understand,” I whimpered.

“Honey, I’m your mother and believe me I’ve been there, so please tell me what she said?” Mom asked.

“She said, sniff, sniff, that I’m not a girl. God mom, if anyone would stand by me, I thought she would,” I said as I dissolved into tears.

Mom took me in her arms and held me until I stopped crying. All of this was a new experience for me, because mom never comforted me like this when I was Mark. Dad was usually the one to say anything and then it was something like, “act like a man,” he would say. I doubt dad would say that now as the tears ran down my face.

“Honey, you are going to have to put up with that. I’m sure your friend Lindsey loves you to death, but sometimes friends will say something they will be sorry for later, and I think this might be one of those times. What did you say that made her reply as she did?” Mom asked.

“She wanted to know if I could come to her party and I asked if I could bring my friends,” I said.

“Which friends?” mom asked.

“Shannon, Kate, and Jack,” I said, as I conveniently omitted Johnny’s name.

“Hmm, that doesn’t make sense, is there something you’re forgetting to tell me?” she asked.

God, how do mom’s know when you aren’t telling them everything? How do I tell Mom that I want to invite Johnny to the party too? She was a girl once, I’m sure she’ll understand that her daughter wants to invite a boy four years older than herself to a party. I know for sure that forgetting to mention his name will go right over her head. No Mom, I didn’t mention his name because I really like him a lot, and no Mom, he doesn’t know I’m still a boy.

“Umm, well, I kind of asked if I could invite a boy from work,” I said.

I felt mom go stiff. I guess that was the wrong thing to say. I couldn’t understand why Mom might not like the idea of me seeing a boy.

“And what did Lindsey say after that?” Mom asked. Her voice was tense when she asked that question.

“She said I wasn’t really a girl,” I said as the tears came again.

This time Mom didn’t comfort me. She just looked at me with one of those expressions on her face that said she agreed with Lindsey. Mom finally spoke.

“She’s right you know, you really aren’t a girl and even more reason you shouldn’t be asking boys out,” she said.

“But mom,” I whined.

“Don’t, but mom me, young lady. In the first place, I wouldn’t allow you to ask out a boy, even if you were a girl, you’re too young. In the second place, Lindsey’s right, you shouldn’t be asking boys out for the obvious reason, you could be killed if your secret was to be discovered. Don’t you remember that girl across the bay that was killed when those boys discovered her real identity? I don’t want that to happen to you, so no boys, is that understood?” she asked.

I remembered seeing something on the news about a girl being killed, but really didn’t pay much attention to it because it didn’t effect me. Now, it did and maybe I owed Lindsey an apology for becoming angry with her. Being a girl in the wrong body was going to have more impacts than just trying to look pretty, it could be something that could cost me my life. I felt a cold fear flow through my body as I thought of what someone like Jimmy Cochran might do to me if he found out about Jennifer.

So far, I’d done a pretty good job of fooling people about my identity, but working in a store like Macy’s was sure to bring someone that would recognize me from school. I didn’t fear my friends, they would protect me, but what about a girl who had noticed me and not said anything to me? Or if I was to lose my cap, then what? Should I quit my job and just become Mark again? I knew that wouldn’t happen because I had become Jennifer and Mark had become the forgotten individual in all this. I could pretend to be him, but for what, to be miserable again?

Mom was right, no boys. I could still be Jennifer and my secret would be less likely to be discovered. Maybe someday I’ll be able to date, but until then I should just concentrate on being a girl and not on one that wants to be with a boy who wants nothing more than to get into her, well you know what?

“You’re right Mom. I was going too fast and I shouldn’t even be thinking of dating a boy. No boys, I promise,” I said.

“Good girl,” she said.

Then the strangest thing happened, Mom hugged me. I’m beginning to think she really does like Jennifer.

I called Lindsey back after Mom left the room.

“Lindsey, I’m sorry I hung up on you,” I said.

“Why did you?” she asked. I could tell by the tone of Lindsey’s voice that she was angry at what I had done.

“Because I was hurt when you said I wasn’t a girl.”

“I’m sorry Jennifer, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just that I don’t think it’s right for you to date boys just yet,” she said.

“You’re right, I shouldn’t. Mom and I talked about it and she explained to me why I shouldn’t.”

“Your mom talked to you about it?”

“Yes, she said something about a girl like me being killed,” I said.

“I remember that a couple of years ago. Gwen Araujo, I remember now, she was really pretty. I love you Jennifer and I’m so sorry for saying something that hurt you. Next time I’ll think before I say anything.”

“Lindsey, you tell me what’s in your heart and I know you do because you love me. Please don’t change. I might be hurt or angry, but I know you’re not saying something to hurt me. You’re just being honest with me. I have to go now, I have a ton of homework tonight, goodnight, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Night,” she replied.

Wednesday was more of the same concerning Jimmy Cochran. It seemed as though he had made me his life’s work. Find Mark and kick his ass seemed to be his mantra. I wouldn’t be at school for more than one minute before he found me, and his fist found my stomach.

“See you tomorrow fag,” he would say, as he walked away with his friends.

My cap had come off when he hit me, but I guess he had his revenge or whatever you would want to call it, so he didn’t say anything about my hair or eyebrows. I guess he was happy with the punch in the stomach, and seeing me on the ground groaning in pain.

Shannon was the first to find me. I was just picking myself up and trying to hide my tears.

“Oh my God, what happened?” she asked.

“Jimmy Cochran hit me,” I replied.

“That bastard. God, I wish there was something we could do about it,” she said.

“What are we going to do, fight back? If you didn’t notice, I’m just a bit smaller than he is,” I said.

“Well, we have to do something,” she said.

Kate and Jack arrived at our side.

“What’s up?” Jack asked.

“That fucker Jimmy Cochran hit Mark in the stomach,” Shannon said.

I had never heard Shannon swear like that, she must have really been pissed.

“Jimmy did that?” Jack asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“I’d kick the shit out of him if he was ever alone,” Jack said, “But he always has his little gang with him. Someday though, he’ll be alone and then, I swear I’ll kick his ass.”

“Let it go Jack, he’s not worth the trouble,” I said.

“Mark you’re my friend and I can’t let it go. He’ll get his one day just wait and see,” he said.

The rest of the week I walked with Jack and Jimmy left me alone. Every time I saw him though he would point his finger at me and sneer. I had no idea as to why he had a vendetta against me. The only thing that made sense was he was pissed off because of the dance and he knew I wouldn’t do anything to stop him from beating me up. God, I hated being short.

Work was getting hectic with the Christmas rush, but my makeovers were selling lots of goods. I could almost count the money I was going to make. I didn’t do much other than talk to my friends on the phone and Saturday night I went to the show with Shannon and Kate. Mom let me go as Jennifer, even though Dad wasn’t too keen on the idea, but it made sense because I had just gotten off work and I really didn’t have time to change.

Mom drove us, and Mrs. Lange picked us up after the show was over. We almost got kicked out because we couldn’t stop giggling. There were some boys that were flirting with us and they were making such fools of themselves. I had to admit though that one was cute in a silly sort of way. All of this interaction with boys is starting to make me wonder if I’m gay or just a normal girl acting like a girl normally does? I’ll have to discuss it with my therapist on Monday.

I worked Sunday as usual, but when I got home, Mom said that I didn’t have to change until after dinner. She wanted us to have a family meal for a change. Mom and Dad had been eating before I got home because of my extended hours at work and tonight she wanted us to eat together again.

“How was work, Jennifer?” Mom asked.

“It’s really busy,” I replied.

“Will you have to work long hours after Christmas?” Dad asked.

When he asked me that, he looked at me, and much to my surprise he didn’t flinch.

“I don’t know, Stella hasn’t said yet,” I answered.

“Are you getting all your school work done?” Mom asked.

“Yes.”

“You look very nice today,” Mom said.

That’s when I saw Dad flinch. He didn’t scowl, but he didn’t smile either. I guess that was progress because a week ago he would have gone right through the roof when Mom said that.

“Thanks Mom,” I said. “Dr. Crane asked me to come as Jennifer tomorrow.”

“She did?”

“Yes, so could you pick me up at school so I can come home and change?” I asked.

“Yes, I suppose I could,” Mom said.

“Don’t you feel awkward dressing like this?” Dad asked.

Finally, good old Dad was back. I wasn’t going to let him get to me though.

“No Dad, I feel awkward dressing as Mark. If I dressed like this all the time I wouldn’t have the problems I have at school,” I said.

“What kind of problems?” he asked.

“Oh, you know, getting punched in the stomach, little things like that,” I responded.

“What do you mean, punched in the stomach?” he asked.

“There’s a bully that likes to pick on me. It happens almost everyday,” I said.

“Well it wouldn’t happen if you stopped this girl stuff,” he said.

He just had to say something like that, what a prick.

“Dad, no one knows about this girl stuff, as you call it. He picks on me because I’m small. If I was a girl all the time he would leave me alone. After all, what kind of guy hits a girl?” I asked.

“Is that why you want to be a girl, because you’re small?” he asked.

“No Dad, I want to be a girl because that’s who I am.”

“Well if you would just stick up for yourself you wouldn’t have these problems,” he said.

“Fine Dad, if that’s what you want, I’ll hit him back,” I said. I know the anger was starting to show in my voice, because Mom stepped in before our argument got out of hand.

“Ken, I won’t have our child getting in a fight just to prove something. I can’t imagine her going to work with a black eye,” Mom said.

Dad finally lost it with that remark.

“Fine, let him be a punching bag,” he yelled as he stormed from the room.

The fucker called me, him. What difference did it make if Jimmy hit me in the stomach or if my father said something that hurt even worse? I felt the tears forming in my eyes as I ran off to my room. I guess it didn’t mater where I was, I would always be a punching bag for someone.

Mom picked me up from school the following day.

“Mark, would you mind going to therapy alone? I feel a little off today and would like to lie down for a while,” she said.

“No mom, I don’t mind. The bus will get me there almost as fast as having you drive me.”

Mom was always a very cautious driver. You know the one, signal every time she turns the steering wheel and never exceeds the posted speed limit. Other drivers go by her and shake their fists because they become so infuriated. Shannon’s mom is just the opposite. She smokes the tires at every stop sign. It’s fun to ride with her.

“What are you going to wear today?” she asked.

“I don’t know, do you have any suggestions?” I asked.

“You could wear some of your work clothes. You look very nice when you dress for work.”

“Do you think my gray skirt and white blouse would be okay?”

“That would be perfect. You can borrow my black jacket so you don’t get cold,” Mom said.

Holly shit, I almost fell out of the car. Mom wanted to loan me her jacket, her clothes. I guess she has finally accepted Jennifer as being part of her life. I wanted to hug myself I was so happy.

“Can I really borrow it, Mom?”

“Of course,” she said, “I don’t want my daughter catching cold.”

“Oh Mommy, thank you,” I said, as tears of happiness filled my eyes.

We arrived at home. I quickly showered and dressed. I put my makeup on and went to my mother for inspection.

“You look very nice Jennifer. Are you sure you’ll be okay walking to the bus with those heels on?” she asked.

“Of course mom, I wear them all day when I work,” I said.

“Okay, give me a kiss. I’m going to lie down for a while,” she said.

For some reason Mom looked tired. Maybe she was catching the flu bug. A little rest would do her good.

I arrived at the clinic with just minutes to spare. Mandy ran over to greet me.

“Jennifer, God, you look nice today,” she gushed.

“Thanks Mandy,” I said.

Mandy’s twitches seemed more controlled today than last week. I wondered what kind of personal hell she must be living? Everyday would be a new adventure for her, not knowing whether your tics and twitches would be under control or your body would betray you at the worse times. The times when you were at school and your enemies would take delight in tormenting you.

“Jennifer,” the nurse called.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Mandy said.

I walked to the room where Dr. Crane was waiting.

“Hello Jennifer. My, aren’t you pretty today,” she said.

I blushed a little. It felt good being told I was pretty by my doctor.

“Thank you Dr. Crane,” I said.

“Is there anything on your mind that you would like to talk about?” she asked.

The only thing I could think of was the conversation I had with Mom about boys and wasn’t sure if I should mention it?

“Not that I can think of,” I responded.

“Are you sure, you look as though something is bothering you?” she asked.

“It’s nothing, Mom and I discussed it and we decided that I shouldn’t date boys.”

“You wanted to date a boy?”

“I just wanted to ask him to a party. He wouldn’t have been my date, it was kind of like a friend going there with me.”

“Jennifer, when a girl asks a boy to go somewhere with her, that’s a date. You’re much too young and pretty to be asking a boy out. It’s also too early in your sessions to even be thinking of boys, we have to find out who you are and not whether you are popular with the boys,” Dr. Crane said.

“Yes, Dr. Crane.”

“As I mentioned earlier, you’re very pretty today, how do you feel?”

“I don’t understand your question,” I said.

“Do you feel like Mark or Jennifer?”

“That’s silly, of course I feel like Jennifer. I feel like Jennifer even when I’m not wearing her clothes. I am Jennifer, not Mark.”

“How can you be so sure?” she asked.

“I don’t know, I just feel like I’m Jennifer all the time. Even when Jimmy Cochran hits me.”

“Who’s Jimmy Cochran?”

“A boy that hits me almost everyday,” I said.

“Why does he do that?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because he can.”

I felt anger start to fill my insides, as I had to think of the bastard.

“There must be a reason for him hitting you,” she said.

“He hits me because I’m small and he knows I will never hit him back,” I said.

The anger was starting to spill from my mouth as I spoke.

“Is that why you want to be a girl, so you won’t be attacked by this boy?” Dr. Crane asked.

“No! If I wanted him to stop I would just fight him and be done with it. I want to be a girl because that’s who I am.”

“Are you sure you’re a girl? Didn’t you tell me you hated being short and that you didn’t mind being short when you were a girl?” she asked.

“That has nothing to do with how I feel. I could grow tall and I would still want to be a girl, because that’s who I am. I’m Jennifer Billings, a girl,” I said.

Dr. Crane smiled at me. God, she made me angry. How dare she question who I thought I was, I knew who I was.

“I’m sorry I had to make you angry, Jennifer. Sometime the best answers to my questions come when you don’t have time to say what you think I want to hear. You might have convinced yourself that you want to be a girl and will say what you think I want to hear. However, when you get angry, you can forget what you want to say and then your real feelings are exposed. From what you have told me so far, you really are a girl, but we have a long way to go before I will be able to determine for sure that really is the case,” she said.

“I know how I feel Dr. Crane, I really am a girl,” I said as my anger subsided.

“It’s going to take more visits before I can make that determination, Jennifer. Let’s talk about something else. If I were to suggest that you live all the time as a girl, how do you think the kids in your school would react to Jennifer?”

“I don’t know. Most of the kids don’t even know me as Mark, so being Jennifer shouldn’t be so hard.”

“You might be surprised at how difficult it can be,” she said. “I’d like you to think about it before I see you next week.”

“Do you want me to come as Jennifer or Mark?” I asked.

“Come as the person you feel most comfortable with.”

“Should I wear heels?” I giggled.

“A girl your age shouldn’t be wearing heels all the time, and it makes you much too sexy looking. Just jeans and comfortable shoes will be fine. I’ll see you next week young lady and remember what I said, no boys,” Dr. Crane laughed.

“Yes doctor,” I answered.

I called home and woke Mom from a nap.

“Hi Mom, I’m finished with Dr. Crane,” I said.

“Oh, okay. I still don’t feel right, would you mind picking something up for dinner on your way home?” Mom asked.

“No, what would you like?” I asked.

“I’m not hungry, why don’t you go by that burrito place by the Bart station and get one for your dad and yourself,” she said.

“Okay mom, I’ll see you in a little while.”

I took the bus to the Bart station and piled on to the train. The cars were full because it was rush hour and everyone was getting off work. I had to stand because all the seats were taken. A cute guy saw me standing and offered me his seat. Why do I think of guys as being cute? Why aren’t they just some guy making an offer and why do I look at them and wonder if they find me attractive? I looked around the car before I answered his question. I saw many men standing and sitting for that matter and none seemed to be cute, or handsome for that matter, well some did. Had my tastes as a girl turned toward men or was I a gay boy? I wondered as I touched my fingers to my hair and smiled at the guy.

“Thank you,” I replied, as I moved to the seat.

“My name’s Josh,” he said, as he extended his hand.

I placed my dainty hand in his and responded.

“I’m Jennifer,” I said, as my face turned red.

“Do you work downtown?” he asked.

I wondered why he would ask me a question like that, but realized that the way I was dressed made me look older than fifteen. He looked to be at least twenty-five and I knew even on the best of days I didn’t look more than eighteen. I felt flattered that an older man would find me attractive, but remembered what Mom and the doctor had said, no boys.

“No, I’m still in school,” I said.

“Oh really, what college do you attend?” he asked.

I felt myself getting squishy inside as I reveled in the attention Josh was giving me. Stop it Jennifer, don’t listen to what he’s saying, put an end to it.

“I don’t go to college, I attend-” I said, as he cut me off in mid sentence.

“I bet you go to secretarial school, you’re very pretty,” he said.

I was becoming flustered and he could see it. I wondered if all young girls acted this way the first time a guy tried to pick them up.

Josh could see the effect he was having on Jennifer. Young girls are so easy he thought. He knew she wasn’t a girl going to college. Josh was the kind of creep that liked young girls because they were easy to get and bed. The only thing he ever worried about was getting caught. He put the old saying out of his mind, “fifteen will get you twenty”, and continued his line of shit.

“I’ll bet you have guys all over you,” he said. He knew an older woman would be turned off by a remark like that, but a treat like Jennifer would think she was princess. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

I thought about what Josh had just said. What a creep. What girl in her right mind would be turned on by a statement like that?

“No I don’t, because I’m only fifteen,” I said, loud enough for most people in the car to hear.

Josh felt his face go red with embarrassment.

“Uhh, I didn’t know,” he said as he slinked away.

“Well done young lady,” the older woman sitting next to me said.

I just smiled. It felt good being complimented on my behavior by a woman who accepted me for who I was, Jennifer Billings.

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