Dancing Queen: 22

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’You can’t be two people at once !’

Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.


Dancing Queen


A novel


by Louise Anne Smithson

Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved.

Image Credit: Picture from Wickimedia Commons. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported licence.


Chapter 22 Who am I?

‘I understand that you thought Richard and I were having a fling together,’ said Helen, as we walked down the High Street towards our chosen café the following lunch time.

‘Sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion when he took you out for a meal last Saturday night’

‘That must have put your nose out of joint,’ she said chuckling.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well you do look doe-eyed at him at times, Michelle.’

‘I think you’re imagining things.’

‘Am I? Alright, I’ll take your word for it,’ she said sounding unconvinced. ‘Let’s get ourselves something to eat and then you can tell me how you got on together yesterday morning.’

We each purchased a bowl of soup and a roll and took it over to a corner table.

‘So what was it that you needed to talk to me about, young lady?’ Helen asked.

‘As you know, Richard has offered to take me clubbing next Saturday along with you and this guy that you fancy.’

‘His name is Joe, and I wouldn’t say that I fancy him so much as I’m prepared to give him a test drive,’ Helen interrupted.

‘OK, but although I agreed to go with Richard, I’m now beginning to wonder whether it was such a good idea.’

‘Why ever not? I thought you wanted to learn about disco and EDM.’

‘EDM?’ I said, puzzled.

‘Electronic dance music, of course, I thought you were the expert in these things.’

‘If it were only about the dancing there would be no problem. That’s the good thing about being Alan’s partner; he’s a great dancer but at the end of the day I know there will be no complications

‘But you think there might be complications’ with Richard?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘But you suspect so?’

I avoided responding directly.

‘But that isn’t the only thing. What is my mother going to say when he turns up at our place on Saturday expecting to take me out clubbing? In any event, I’ve never been clubbing before and wouldn’t know what to do or what to wear.’

‘Hmm, it seems to me that there are several different issues tied up here. Let’s try to unravel them.’

‘Alright.’

‘First of all, Richard is offering to take you dancing in a night club – that is all. Whether anything else happens between the pair of you afterwards is up to you both to decide; so don’t worry about it. He knows exactly who you are and who you were so you will hardly be deceiving him.’

‘But you are now talking as if Mike is entirely in the past. We will have to work together next year.’

She shrugged.

‘That will be up to you to decide in due course; you never know but you might come to realise that you are better off as a girl.’

I didn’t respond, being unwilling to venture any further into that realm. Helen therefore continued talking.

‘As to your mother, I thought you said to me that she was enjoying having a daughter around, especially one who goes dancing.’

‘Yes, she is.’

‘Well eighteen year old daughters tend to have boyfriends and go out dancing with them. It is a fact of life.’

‘I suppose so.’

‘Now turning to the most important question, we have to decide what you are going to wear on Saturday night. It can get quite hot in these clubs so you are going to want to wear a dress that is fairly skimpy. Do you have anything that fits that description?’

‘Not really, Mum’s dance costumes are all designed for ballroom dancing and the clothes given to me by Louise would not fit the bill.’

‘I expect I’ll be able to loan you something of mine.’

‘I can’t keep borrowing other people’s clothes all the time.’

‘In that case, why don’t we go out shopping together for something for you on Saturday morning? It needn’t cost you a fortune.’

‘I’m not sure, Helen,’ I said, although I was quite sure in my own mind.

It was as if she hadn’t heard my doubts, or else was choosing to ignore them.

‘I know! My parents are going to be away for the weekend and I’ll be on my own in the house. Why don’t you spend Friday night staying in my sister’s former bedroom? We can have a girly time going out shopping together on Saturday morning and then have fun getting ourselves ready to go out. The two guys can pick us up at my place and then you wouldn’t need to explain anything to your mother.’

‘I’d have to tell her where I was going, otherwise she would worry.’

‘But you’re a big girl now, Michelle, surely it is up to you to decide.’

I sighed.

‘I know, but Mum has suffered from depression ever since my father died and I wouldn’t want to upset or worry her if I can avoid it. I must admit though she has been a lot better recently.’

‘Do you need to tell her who you are going out with?’

‘I suppose I could just say that I was going out dancing with a few friends from work.’

‘So that is settled then?’

There seemed to be no point in arguing further.

‘Let me put the suggestion to Mum this evening and see how she reacts. I’ll let you know tomorrow.’

‘Look Michelle, you can’t be two people at once. Either you go back to being a stammering slightly nerdy guy named Mike, or you embrace life as a confident and attractive young woman named Michelle. Take you pick!’

‘Well if you put it like that …’

But she didn’t give me a chance to continue my answer.

‘Talk to your mother, if you need to, but you will soon need to decide who you really are.’

She now sounded quite serious.

‘I guess so.’

‘I shall be out of the office all morning so can you text me?’

‘Alright then.’

‘Good! So now you can tell me how you got on with Richard yesterday.’

~o~O~o~

During the course of the afternoon at work I thought about Helen’s comment concerning my embracing life as a confident and attractive young woman named Michelle. It put me in mind of some lines of verse that I remembered from somewhere.

It is not wise to try to add,
What you’ve got to what you’ve had.
It is never wise to try to share
Who you are, with who you were.

In many respects Helen was right. I had agreed to remain as Michelle until the end of the year for various reasons, but the overriding one was that I enjoyed doing so. In that case why shouldn’t I accept that fact and take full advantage of all the fun involved?

I needed to go out to the bank on work business during the course of the afternoon, and whilst I was there I withdrew two hundred and fifty pounds from my savings account, using the cash dispenser and Mike's bank card. This would delay my purchase of a second hand car, but if I was going to take full advantage of my time as Michelle over the coming weekend I would need some money.

~o~O~o~

Mum and I usually arranged to meet at the Asda Superstore near to where we lived, after work on one evening each week. We would have something to eat in the cafeteria before doing the weekly shopping for groceries and other items and then take a taxi home. I was not scheduled to have another practice session with Alan until the Thursday evening and so Mum and I had arranged to meet on Wednesday.

‘Whilst we are here, I’d like to get myself a few more sets of bras and panties so there will no longer be any danger of me ever running short again,’ I suggested.

‘Yes of course, dear, and it may be as well to get yourself a few extra pairs of tights, as well.’

We made our way over to the underwear counter and spent a few minutes choosing five sets of each and neither of us appeared to be awkward or embarrassed by the matter.

‘By the way I’ve fixed the fastening on that red dress this afternoon; shall we see if we can find you a lipstick and some nail varnish to match?’ suggested Mum.

‘How will you be sure to get the colour just right?’ I asked.

‘I’ve brought the hair ribbon with me so we can check.’

We made our way over to the cosmetics counter and spent a further ten minutes deciding on the closest match, before paying for our various purchases and taking a taxi home.

~o~O~o~

‘Would you like to try on that dress again, now that it is fixed and we have the right cosmetics?’ asked Mum once we’d finished stowing away the groceries.

I was hoping that she would make that suggestion.

‘Yes please, so we can get an idea of the overall effect.’

‘First of all I want you to remove the makeup you’re wearing, including your existing nail polish, so we can start with a clear canvas. When you have finished come through to my bedroom.’

I changed out of my work clothes and put on a housecoat, removed all trace of makeup and tied back my hair. I also took out my earrings as I was now quite sure that the holes had healed. When I came to her bedroom she invited me to sit down at the dressing table. She drew up a second stool.

‘I’ll do your nails first of all, so I can fix your hair and makeup whilst they are drying.’

She filed my nails into shape and then buffed the surface with an emery board before applying a clear base coat. Whilst this was drying she began to apply foundation to my face. Next came two coats of the bright red nail varnish which she expertly applied. In this respect she was equally competent as Joan had been. Mum had helped me with my makeup once or twice before but this was the first time that she’d done my nails for me.

‘That feels nice, I could get used to being pampered like this,’ I said.

Mum smiled.

‘I am happy to help my daughter look her best. Women who only have sons do miss out on some pleasures in later life.’

For some reason I now felt closer to her than I’d ever done before.

‘Mum?’

‘Yes dear?’

‘I’ve been invited to go clubbing on Saturday night with a couple of people from work. Helen has also invited me to spend Friday night and Saturday with her so we can get ready to go out together.’

‘That’s nice dear. When do you expect to be home on Saturday?’

‘It is a night club so I won’t expect to be home until the early hours of the morning on Sunday, long after you have gone to bed.’

‘Well, remember your key and be sure to take care of yourself, won’t you.’

‘Of course.’

‘I assume there will be some young men going as well.’

‘It is a dance, Mum.’

‘Yes, of course. All I would say is to take care and be honest.’

‘What do you mean by that, Mum?’

‘Be honest with yourself and to whoever you are out with.’

‘I will, Mum.’

She then returned to the issue in hand.

‘I’ll just do your face now. Once your nails are dry, we’ll dip your fingertips into ice cold water for a while to harden the nail varnish, then you can put on the dress and we’ll see how you look in that outfit.’

As soon as my nails were dry I sent a quick text message to Helen, whilst Mum was doing my hair for me.

‘Have decided to take your advice and embrace life as Michelle. I’d like to stay on Friday if the offer is still open.’

A few minutes later came the response.

‘Great news, now make sure you stick to that decision! I’m looking forward to our weekend.’

Half an hour later Mum helped me get into the red dress, fixed my hair, complete with the red ribbon and diamonte hair grips, found me a new pair of matching earrings to wear and finished my makeup. I then stood up and put on my black dance shoes.

‘Well, what do you think?’ I asked.

Mum didn’t answer at first but I could see a tear forming in the corner of her eye.

‘Whatever is the matter, Mum?’ I asked.

‘You look so lovely, Michelle. I do enjoy having you as my daughter, but it is not fair on you. I have no right to encourage you in this way. Only you have the right to decide for yourself how you want to live your life.’

I walked over to her and hugged her.

‘Mum you are not encouraging me to do anything against my will. I voluntarily decided to stay as Michelle until the end of the year, and now I’ve made that decision I intend to take full advantage of the opportunities afforded.’

‘But we all talked you into it.’

‘Not really; I didn’t take that much persuading. Perhaps I was little anxious about how you would feel about having Michelle around for three months but if anything it seems to have brought us closer together.’

‘I am so pleased that I’ve had this opportunity to get to know Michelle.’

I smiled.

‘Good, now tell me what you really think about this outfit.’

~o~O~o~

Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise

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Comments

Big decision

Podracer's picture

An important chapter for Michelle; I hope she has a good time on Saturday.

"Reach for the sun."

Well I think it looks just lovely!

I think Michelle is coming to the realization that the only one not expecting Michelle to still be around after the first of the year is Michelle! I just hope that she doesn't wind up becoming resentful of the thought that no one real cares to see "Mike" back again! It seems as Michelle, she has recieved much more support from the people around her than she ever did as "Michael". Louise dear, still lovin' it sweetie! Loving Hugs Talia

I have feeling that

I have feeling that Michelle/Mike will enter the night club Saturday night; however only Michelle will come out of the night club. It just seems this will be the defining point in Michelle's life regarding remaining and living/being a woman permanently; as she comes to understand fully that she is/was and always will be a female. I also believe Michelle's Mum knows this already.
This is a really great story and I do love how you wrapped it up with a dancing theme.

Its Michelle's call

"Only you have the right to decide for yourself how you want to live your life."

true enough.

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