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Part 5

In all honesty, winter wasn't that bad. I mean, sure, if you liked sitting on the ice-cold vinyl seat of a school bus - knowing full well the bus driver neglected to turn up the heat until five minutes before it came down your street - then winter really wasn't all that bad. The frigid cold, the snow drenching the lower regions of your jeans, or the fact that every metal thing you touched lit you up like a neon sign; all were enjoyable to a certain degree. Right?

Sure they were. And nothing, absolutely nothing, could be better than riding back to school after Christmas break. Yes, it was still called Christmas break when I went to school. That wonderful holiday seemed to be the one magical bright spot in all of winter. Except for this year, when I received the worst Christmas gift of all time. I got to watch my girlfriend make out in front of me with another guy that was supposedly gay. To top it all off, I was riding to the one locality where I couldn't possibly avoid either one of them; school.

That moment of arrival became increasingly closer. After nearly a half hour later the bus had made it's way into the circle drive of our school. The ride had been way too fast in my mind. I stared briefly at the looming gray building across the walkway. Though I'd never noticed it much before, the building looked as dismal as a prison. Surely they had a discussion about sprucing it up with a little color. It looked absurdly boring as it sat; especially now with the snow and everything around it looking dead.

As I made a move for the aisle, a few eighth grade boys, who had been sitting behind me, shook their head at me as they passed. Not really wanting to leave anyway, I took the hint, and slowly knelt back in my seat; waiting for everyone to pass. I wish I could've disappeared into the bus seat itself. Reluctantly, after the last kid passed me, I followed down the aisle. The slow walk to the building felt like a walk to the electric chair.

I half expected to be greeted by one of my friends at the front door. Even a chance meeting at my locker would have been something. However, I didn't see a single one of them; not Tawny, Tiffany, or even Tracy. I knew I would never see Megan or Vanessa again. Not unless by some miracle they both moved back to the state. And Danielle had been out of the picture for months. For all intents and purposes, I felt extremely alone that cold winter morning.

Everything seemed off. My locker hadn't changed, but I had a new class schedule. Speech class went away, just as Megan had gone away with it. I had no reason to doubt the things Tawny had told me about Megan. Yet, I would still miss her; that cute sense of shyness, and that adorable hint of Korean to her accent. I now had keyboarding class in that block for the semester. What fun; sitting and typing gibberish in silence for nearly an hour each day. At least it was a life skill, and further bolstered my view of the school being like a prison.

The class I would miss the most was art; swapped out for a semester of gym class. It had been absolutely wonderful to express my creativity, all while talking to Tawny and Tiffany. Then it dawned on me; how at the moment I wanted nothing to do with Tiffany. Tawny, perhaps, but I had no desire to even speak to Tiffany after what she had done; after what I had seen. I slammed my locker shut as I thought about the scene at Starbucks.

"Whoa! Take it easy on the lockers."

I spun around to meet a set of turquoise eyes sitting beneath short brunette hair. The girl's heart-shaped face appeared riddled with small features. She almost looked like a cherub with such small childish features. Even her ears were small. Everything she wore screamed preppy, and I knew it had to come from one source. I knew, because I had my very first job at her family's store.

"Hi Jillian," I said, immediately recognizing her. "I never see you walk this way."

Jillian Wilcox tilted her head to the side. Her neatly groomed eyebrows furrowed, as if she were figuring out some elusive equation in her head. I watched as her bottom lip slowly moved to the side. Then her lips parted, as if she were about to say something, but quickly snapped shut. She looked me over for a moment longer.

"Do I know you?" Jillian finally inquired.

My eyes slowly grew bigger. I felt more awake now than I had ever felt in my entire life. My shoulders dropped. A lump formed in my throat. The books in my hand shifted to my other arm, as if it were a subconscious message for me to shift myself into another gear and get the hell out of there. Jillian's face contorted into one of discovery and amusement, as if in slow motion.

"Oh… my… gosh," Jillian finally said. Then her mouth simply hung open as she stared. She looked me over a second time. "You…"

I realized all too quickly my fatal flaw. Jillian, although she had seen me dressed as a girl, knew absolutely nothing about my real gender. Here I had confused her with one of my inner circle. She was an outsider. From a simple affable greeting, Jillian Wilcox now knew my deepest secret. I wanted to reopen my locker and crawl inside of it to die.

"Are you serious?!" Jillian blurted out.

Kids nearby were starting to slow down their walks to classrooms. I felt completely on display out here in the hallway. It felt like it did when I modeled at Jillian's store, in the window, except now she knew. Now Jillian could destroy everything about me with a few simple words. I looked at her with pleading eyes.

Jillian opened her mouth again to talk, but again shut it quickly. She took a step back, and gave me an unsure look. After a quick glance around the hallway, she quickly composed herself. "'Tweens?" Jillian asked.

I nodded.

"And the pool party?"

I continued to nod.

"That explains a lot…"

Jillian then slowly nodded, as if convincing herself. She adjusted the shoulder strap of her backpack. I stepped forward, making her wince backwards.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to lie to you."

"No," Jillian said. "But see, you did mean to."

"Well if you hadn't blackmailed us," I said quietly. The halls were now thinning out.

"Maybe I should do it again," Jillian said, now smirking.

I sighed. "Don't be like that."

"I hardly think you have a say in how I react." Jillian said, then leaned in closer. "Do you get off on it?"

"What?! No!"

"Okay. Look," Jillian said, leaning back out. "I really don't care." She shifted nervously, a look of disgust, cobbled with disappointment, painted all over her face. "I need to get to class."

"Jillian," I said, as she attempted to brush past me.

"What?" she asked, without turning.

"I'm sorry," I said.

Jillian turned her head. "Whatever. I need to go."

My body slumped, and I sighed. The bell rang throughout the hall, signaling two minutes left to get to class. Jillian strolled away, now knowing my secret. I watched her for a few seconds, and then quickly made my way to my own class.

"Great," I mumbled to myself. "This semester is starting off just great."

There were a few things that had not changed for the semester. One of the worst of them being I still had to sit through pre-algebra first hour. The bell rang a few seconds after I had slid into my seat. My mind couldn't budge from what had just occurred. I hadn't run into Tiffany yet today, but I had a feeling running into Jillian was worse. How long could I hold on to this secret of mine?

A sense of despair washed over me. While I wrestled with the problems in my life, along with the ones being written on the chalkboard, my spirits sank a bit deeper. I was beginning to think some form of damage control was in order. An increasing number of people were finding out about my secret, and it wasn't even Tiffany throwing it out there anymore.

Then it hit me. As I sat there and solved for x, I realized the solution had been given to me by Doctor Dinesh. I needed to talk to people. Not only did I need to talk to Tiffany, but I needed to make sure I wasn't making any enemies. Friends were what I needed now. My secret might come out eventually, but I could prolong it as long as I didn't make anyone angry enough to spill it. Maybe with enough people on my side, it wouldn't hurt as much when I did crash and burn. With a new goal in mind, I began to plot my course of action.

"Where have you been?"

I looked up from my locker to see Tawny's electric green eyes in all of their worried glory. "I… just had family stuff to do," I lied. The truth was, I hadn't seen much of anyone but my brother, and a few visits with Nathan, over the break. My parents were mostly at work the whole time. I just didn't want to deal with any of my problems.

"Well I've been worried about you," Tawny said. "How are you doing?"

"I've been fine," I lied again, looking back into my locker for that elusive thing I didn't need.

"Bailey…"

I glanced back at Tawny. Her new expression was one mixed with worry and impatience. "I don't know," I said, turning to face her. "I really haven't…" I watched her get more impatient, and tilt her head to the side. "I haven't even talked to her," I finished, going back to looking in my locker.

"Well I know that," Tawny said, sliding up to the locker next to me. "She's been bugging the hell out of me." She slipped into a mock Tiffany voice. "How's Bailey? I can't reach him. Have you talked to him at all? How was the ballet?"

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked, cutting her off.

"I don't know," Tawny said, shaking her head. She looked about as lost and confused as I did. "I've been handling her like a secretary the past two weeks, trying not to get in the middle of it. But… well… I'm in the middle of it."

"Tawny…"

"What?"

"I had a really nice time with you," I said quietly.

"Yeah," Tawny said. "Until… well, you know."

"No," I said, finding her eyes. "I had a nice time… with you." I searched her eyes for understanding. "I wasn't even thinking about Tiffany, until… well, you know."

Tawny stood up straight. "What are you saying?"

"I don't even know anymore," I said, following it with a sigh. "Maybe I'm saying that this might not be the worst thing to happen." After closing my locker, I started toward my next class.

"Wait a sec," Tawny said, catching up with me. "Are you saying you're giving up on Tiff?"

"Well… what if this happened for a reason?" I asked. "I mean, Megan and Vanessa moved away, and then this." I stopped and faced Tawny. "Things are just… shifting."

Tawny blinked in silence for a moment. "It's like you're in my head," she finally said. Then she quickly shook her head. "No." She shifted her bag. "You need to talk to Tiffany. Sort this out. If there's even a hint of feeling left between you two… You need to find it." She quickly took off down the hallway before I could say another word.

An impromptu bump on my shoulder brought me back to reality. I glanced at the clock above the lockers, and took off toward my next class. Now I was more confused than ever. I felt like I'd sailed my ship into the wrong dock.

"I thought you'd fallen off the face of the planet," Tracy said, as I slid into the chair next to her.

"I've just been busy," I said, taking out my science book.

"You should've gone ice skating with us," Tracy said. "We all had a blast."

"When did you go ice skating?"

"Christmas Eve," Tracy said. "Everyone was there. Except you, Megan and Tawny."

"Wait…" I looked at Tracy puzzled. "Tiffany was there? I thought she was in Iowa."

"Oh, her plans got canceled at the last minute," Tracy said. "Her aunt came down with the flu. Tiff was home all Christmas break. She's really wanted to see you since Christmas Eve though."

"Well she didn't tell you Tawny and I went to the ballet?" I asked, making sure my voice was more sustained.

Tracy shook her head, now looking as puzzled as I'm sure I did earlier. The warning bell rang out, causing a shuffling of chairs in the room. Mister Jackson strolled into the room, slapping a stack of papers down on his desk. He stood like a statue, staring at the clock. I had one minute to ask Tracy the most important question on my mind.

"Was Vince there?"

Tracy squinted her eyes, as if in deep thought, and then quickly nodded. "Yeah," she said. "He was skating with Tiffany most of the time." She smiled at me. "We were all paired up, and they were kind of stuck with each other."

"I see…"

I appeared busy now. As the tardy bell rang out, I acted as if my biology book was a long lost friend. I flipped it open to where I thought we would be picking up from last semester. From the corner of my eye, I could see Tracy looking me over. Now locked into a class, however, she couldn't talk to me; unless she wanted to be in trouble.

The period went so slow. All I could think about now was Vince skating with Tiffany. I pictured them holding hands, embracing, sharing a laugh. They probably grew close that day; just as they appeared close in the coffee shop. Thinking about it made my blood boil. I subconsciously grinded my teeth, as I jotted down the boring notes of Mister Jackson's lecture.

Right now, I didn't give a damn about school. Friends were even starting to become an issue with me. I'd already gathered enough information to know that some of them had no clue. Tracy, along with her boyfriend Jason, probably thought it was a harmless gesture for Vince to skate with Tiffany. I don't think they saw the aftermath at all.

Tawny had been with me. So that ruled her out. Now I began the slow process of getting the story out of everyone, and finding out who knew what, and when they knew it. I wasn't even sure Kate knew. Kate, Tiffany's older sister, had been in the bathroom when Vince and Tiffany were acting all lovey-dovey. Unless they carried that with them the rest of the night, it might even be a secret to Kate.

"So I'll see you at lunch?"

I looked over at Tracy. The rest of the students were moving; abandoning their chairs. As I glanced up at the clock, I realized the class had ended. I'd been so self-absorbed thinking about Tiffany, that I hadn't even heard the bell ring. Looking down at my paper, I realized I'd missed some of the notes as well. I looked back to Tracy.

"Sure," I said, forcing a smile. "I might need your notes too."

Tracy looked down at my paper. She let out a slight giggle. "Yeah… I'll bring them," she said. "See ya!"

"Later," I said, watching her bounce from the room.

For the next two hours or so, my small little life seemed somewhat unaltered. English, and Social Studies went about as fast as English and Social Studies classes could go. Since both classes were on the other side of the building, and I had no friends in either, I hadn't had the pleasure of running into anyone I knew in the hallways. I rarely went back to my locker until fifth period.

I knew that once that bell rang, though, I would be trying to navigate the trickiest part of my young romantic life. Like a ship hoisting the wrong colors, I was off to sail my way through uncharted territory. I didn't know what to say. I hardly knew what to think. The bell would ring in less than a minute, and my heart beat faster with each second that ticked away. What worried me the most is what I would say to that impending question.

"Where have you been, Bailey?"

Tiffany's voice seemed like an ancient memory. A sound I once knew and trusted. In my heart, and in my mind, it felt like there was ruin where our friendship used to lie. I felt nothing could be salvaged, or rebuilt. Nothing Tiffany could say, or do, could get that image of her and Vince out of my head. Nothing.

I grabbed my lunch bag from the locker. My chest rose and fell with a steady breath. I closed the locker, and slowly turned to face her; to face the girl who tore my heart… As soon as I laid eyes upon her, my mouth dropped. A lump quickly leapt to my throat, and my heart nearly collapsed; bringing it with me.

"Tiffany!?"

Tiffany's eyebrows shot up in worry. She shifted nervously where she stood, and shrugged one of her shoulders upward. "Is it that bad?"

My head shook slowly, as if controlled by an apprentice puppeteer. I couldn't peel my eyes away from it. I thought this would be the day that everything changed with Tiffany, but as far as I could see, only one thing had changed. It had changed quite drastically. Suddenly I found myself reevaluating my entire approach to this dreaded conversation. Maybe I didn't know everything I thought I knew.

"When did you get it done?" I asked.

Tiffany reached up to her short locks of hair. "Before Christmas," she said, still a little unsure. "I've been trying to get a hold of you. Where have you been?"

My eyes dropped to meet Tiffany's worry-filled hazel eyes. "Just… busy with family," I stuttered. "Sorry I didn't get a chance to call you."

"Wait a minute," I thought. "Was I really sorry?" This was not at all how I planned for this conversation to go. I needed answers. My mouth opened, but Tiffany's voice filled in the silence first.

"We were kind of busy too, I suppose," Tiffany said. "After school let out, we were supposed to go to my Aunt's, but all my cousins showed up here and surprised us. My aunt had the flu, and her husband stayed behind to take care of the ranch."

I put my index finger up, giving her the universal signal to hold on for a minute. We stood gazing at each other for a long moment. Her hair, once a beautiful long wavy curtain of black radiance, was now cut short, and tussled about like wild grass. Not only that, but it was blonde… very blonde. A lump caught in my throat as I tried to swallow. I took a deep breath, as my heart felt ready to burst.

"You hate it, don't you?" Tiffany asked, now frowning.

"It's just…"

"Too extreme?"

"I wouldn't say that," I said, really not knowing what to say.

"I missed you," Tiffany said, her eyes now smiling with the mixed look on her face.

"Wait," I said. "Before Christmas?"

Tiffany nodded quietly.

Quickly I thought of the best way to frame my new approach to the situation. "I swear I saw you in Starbucks Christmas Eve," I said, straining to chuckle.

Tiffany appeared as if she were thinking for a few seconds. Then smiled, and shook her head. "I think I would've remembered that."

"I swear it was you," I said, now getting anxious. "It looked like you and Vince, and definitely Kate."

"Oh!" Tiffany laughed. "Probably my cousin and her boyfriend. She looks just like me." She stood as if lost in thought for a second. "Come to think of it, her boyfriend kind of looks like Vince from behind."

I slumped against the wall of lockers, as Tiffany giggled away. The whole weight of the situation felt as if it had been pulled from my insides all at once. Like the flesh had been pulled from my bones. It left me weak in the knees, and I was trying desperately to hold back tears welling up inside of me. A long steady breath coursed over my trembling lips.

"It's just…" My voice sounded low and uneasy. "I saw them kiss, and I thought…"

"You thought what?" Tiffany's eyes grew twice their size. "Me and Vince?!" She started giggling again, and then stopped suddenly. "Oh…"

Stepping toward me, she slid up against the lockers. Her close proximity caused my skin to erupt into goose bumps. I felt anxious, and uneasy, and a little intimidated. Tiffany's hand rose to my hair, playfully twirling it with her fingers. She leaned in closer, her lips grazing my ear.

"I would never do that to you, Bailey," Tiffany whispered. "Not in a million years."

"This whole time…" I said, breathlessly.

"Is that why you've been avoiding me?"

"I'm sorry," I said, now tilting my head toward hers. "I should've known it wasn't you."

"It's kind of disappointing you didn't trust me," Tiffany whispered. "I think I'm going to have to find a way for you to make it up to me." Her words road on heavy breaths, lazily drifting over my earlobe.

"To be fair," I said, now looking at her out of the corner of my eye. "They had Tawny convinced too."

"That bitch," Tiffany whispered playfully into my ear. "She's been giving me the runaround for two weeks too."

From behind Tiffany, a male adult cleared his throat. It gave us both pause, making us freeze up. Then came the booming voice of Mister Jackson from the same area. "Okay lovebirds… off to lunch you go."

Tiffany quickly pulled away from me. Her face lit up in a relentless blush. Lifting her hand to cover herself a little, she pushed past me toward the cafeteria. I was left alone, with Mister Jackson, still leaning against my own locker. As I looked up to face him, I could feel my face growing with a heat of it's own.

Mister Jackson stood at his door, smiling as he shook his head. "Go on now, Mister Walker. Don't let the pretty girl get away."

Mister Jackson's words stuck with me for quite some time after that. As I looked up at Tiffany, sitting across from me at the lunch table, I realized one thing. I did not want to let the pretty girl get away. I couldn't lose her. Two weeks without her was painful enough, and made me dread what might have occurred today. Circumstances had been drastically different than what I had perceived. How could I have been so stupid?

"What?" Tiffany asked, pausing between bites of her lunch.

"Your hair…" I smiled. "It's growing on me."

"Either he's love-struck, or that's the worst pun ever," Danielle said, as she slid into the seat next to me.

"Whoa!" Tracy said. "What brings the new queen back to our humble table?"

"An invite," Danielle said.

"To…?" Tiffany asked.

"My birthday party," Danielle said, smiling at Tracy and Tiffany. "I'd like for you to come to it."

I looked up from copying Tracy's notes. "Sounds fun, I guess."

"It's a slumber party," Danielle said, turning her smile upon me. "If you can get away with it, I'd absolutely love to see you there." She leaned in closer. "It might be a little too much for you to handle though."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked quietly.

"All those girls in sleepwear, and no touchy," Danielle said, winking.

"I'll pass," I said, turning back to my notes. "I'm trying this whole new thing, where I don't do that anymore."

"That's too bad," Danielle said, turning back to the girls. "You'd look cute in a nightgown."

I reached up and grabbed a piece of my sandwich, shoving it in my mouth, before returning to copying the notes. For several more minutes I tried my best to ignore Danielle gabbing on about the details. Pushing the thought of dressing to the back of my mind, I concentrated on feeling what a boy would do in this situation. The average boy would probably throw on a wig and dress to get the slimmest of chances at seeing the other girls naked.

That seemed to be the furthest thing from my mind. Instead, my mind wandered to images of girls painting each others' nails, telling secrets, revealing their crushes and sharing hair and makeup tips. If anything, it would be a fantastic experience to learn a few tricks of the trade; so to speak. I was struggling to not blurt out my desire to join them. It felt like a tug-of-war going on in the pit of my stomach. Suddenly I felt a hand on my arm.

"Maybe we can do something else sometime," Danielle said, smiling sincerely. "Like old times."

"Sure," I said, smiling back at her pleasantly.

"But do let me know if you change your mind about the slumber party," Danielle said, patting my arm. "Nobody would have to know a thing." With a final wink, she was up and walking toward her usual table. She turned back to me and smiled, then sat and started gabbing with her other friends.

"So are you going?" Tracy asked.

"No," I said. "Not that it wouldn't be a unique experience, but I'm done with all of that."

"I think she was asking me, honey," Tiffany said, patting my hand while smiling.

"You know Danielle was kidding, right?" Tracy asked. "There is no way she'd let a boy near her slumber party." She started giggling. "Her dad would chase you down the street with a shotgun if he found out."

"We'll let you know all about it though," Tiffany said, winking.

"I…" Going back to my notes, I avoided further eye contact. "I don't want to know."

"Are you okay?" Tiffany asked.

"I'm fine," I said. "I just…" I pulled my hand away from hers. "I need to finish getting these notes down."

"I can leave if you two wanna talk," Tracy said quietly.

I glanced up for a second at both of them. "I'm fine," I repeated, before returning to the notes.

My assertion at lunch carried me through the rest of the day, and even through the first mundane period of gym class. I was fine. However, I had always been simply average at anything related to physical education. The best thing I had going for me was my ability to run. Leaving the house to jog with Nathan had done wonders to build up my stamina, and I could probably hold my own in a distance run.

Sports in general, on the other hand, were not exactly my thing. I'd grown to at least appreciate football, and respected that people I knew liked it. That didn't make me good at it though. Basketball, soccer and hockey all wonderfully brought out my ineptness in coordinating anything with my hands or feet with my eyes. The only thing I dreaded worse than any of those, however, happened to be wrestling.

The one sport that revolved around pushing your physique to it's maximum limits, happened to be the first on the list that year in gym. Wrestling with my brother, and fighting with other boys, clearly showed me that I had no business trying to pin one of them on a mat. Not only that, but nothing made me feel smaller than our dictator of a gym coach strutting by, and putting me in the lightest weight class.

Together with four other runts, we all took to the mat to fight over who could be the strongest weakling in our class. As the last hour of the day wore on, however, I discovered that I at least wasn't the loser of the runts. I wasn't exactly the winner, but the good old stamina I mentioned earlier helped out a little. For the very least of things, I could manage to outlast three of the boys. The other one was a bit more of a challenge.

But as they say of all things; time flies when you're being humiliated by having your face smothered into a wrestling mat. It wasn't long before we were all back in the locker room, preparing to catch the bus home. Luckily we had the option of showering, seeing as how it was the last hour of the day. Some chose to shower, but along with the majority of the boys, I chose to take a short ride home to my own shower.

Not that it mattered much. The bus driver kept the temperature just above the point of making any sweat freeze to our bodies anyway. As I sat down on the chilled leather seat, I reflected on the day. It had not turned into the horrible disaster I thought it would. Even an old friend had possibly returned to our group. I turned to the window, blowing hot air upon it. Then, lifting my finger, I quickly drew a smiley face upon the fogged up window, and sat smiling back at it.

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To Be Continued...