Part 2

I finished the bottle, and then Beth washed and dried my face. The bib was removed and shortly after, as they were talking I fell asleep...

I awoke with a start, having had a bad dream, not quite a nightmare, but definitely a bad dream. One where I was bound by hand and foot a thick rope around my waist, held helpless, immobile and at the mercy of the oncoming mean faced nurses, all holding incredibly large hypodermic needles. They were speaking loudly in a childish manner, reassuring me that everything would be fine and the needles I would hardly feel them. SUCH LIES! I started to waken with a nurse walking rapidly by me as she quickly stabbed me in my arm and then the next nurse came by and repeated the act. I awoke in a sweat, wide eyed, and fearful until I remembered where I was and what I had to look forward too.

My arms still ached from the shots I had received the day before, or was that the night? Artificial light, artificial smiles, well, everything here seemed artificial, I was an artificial girl for heavens sake! Nothing new there though, forced to wear my sister’s hand-me-downs; I have looked like a little girl for years now.

Immobile is a horrible way to be, strapped down in a very quiet room only hearing the click of the clock as it ticked off the seconds. Time passed much too slowly. You wake in discomfort, cramped legs, arms, hands and your back can feel every wrinkle in the sheet under you. SORE, and with a child’s energy coursing through your body all at the same time.

Too much time to ponder about things and you slip into depression so easily. No visitors, just nurses, and your doctor who are treating you like a baby girl. You lie there as you are forced to relieve yourself in the diapers you are now forced to wear. I mean even at home, I didn’t have to wear diapers until I was placed in that stupid crib at night.

The other bad thing was I had no way to summon anyone. I had a bell near my bed, but no way to reach it or to ring it for help. If I hollered out, I was disciplined for making too much noise. I was only to holler out for help if it was an emergency or I was in a lot of pain.

Isolation is a horrible thing for a child, and now I was isolated and controlled by others. I was being forcibly changed in mind and body. There was nothing I could do about it. My family, even my mother and eldest sister were no help to me here. I was lost, with no way other than in my own mind to deal with things as I could.

I was sopping wet, my body covered in sweat, my privates bathed in pee and poop. Something else now, my stomach felt queasy and I would soon be throwing up again!

I did just that, I threw up and was forced to swallow some back. I tried to breathe and I choked more as the vile stuff made its way into my lungs. That is what one of the nurses saw as she looked at me through the window at the nurse’s station. She came running in and it took her a minute or so to gown, mask and glove.

The next thing I knew she was pushing this tube in my mouth and down my throat. It made a sickening suction sound as I watched the vomit being vacuumed into a clear glass jar. She has pressed a button on the wall as she came in. It made the lights in my room blink on and off. I could hear a buzzer sounding as well. Soon, more nurses came and a doctor showed up as well.

More tortures awaited me as once she was through making my mouth and throat bleed from all the suctioning, the doctor gave me a shot and I couldn’t move! He then forced a wide tube down my throat and hooked it up to a machine two nurses had wheeled inside.

Now I couldn’t even breathe on my own! This stupid noisy machine forced me to breathe at the rate the doctor set it for. Another IV was set up and this time the needle was pushed into one of my thighs! I tried to scream it hurt so badly, but I couldn’t make a sound. All I could do was silently cry and I felt my hot wet tears trickle from my eyes down my cheeks. Now I hurt everywhere, as my head pounded with each beat of my heart and my lungs hurt with each thumping sound of the new machine.

I did know one thing, daddy would be hopping mad! This was costing him a lot of money we didn’t have. To him I was useless anyway. That’s what he called me a lot of times, useless. To be honest, he only said it when he thought I couldn’t hear him. At least I hope I’m right about that. I know I’m useless. I just don’t know why these doctors and nurses are trying to keep me alive. I think it would be best for everyone including me if I could just die and end all of this. I mean, I’m useless anyway, what’s the point of keeping me around.

You know, my sister Dee told me once that I was supposed to have died before in the hospital, but God didn’t want me because I was broken and just like daddy said, I was useless. If God doesn’t even want me, why am I still here? All I want to do is die, and I don’t even care where I go afterwards. Can hell be any worse than this? I think I’m in hell now! I just want to fade away into nothingness. I give up, let them do what they want, I don’t care anymore. I’m just going to fade away. I can do that!

For some reason I feel better now, much better. Kind of knowing the end to all this pain and humiliation will be over soon and I can be the one to have it all stop. I can’t move at all, the doctor just gave me another shot and all my pain has gone away and my head feels so light and fluffy. Two nurses are in here with me and they start changing me, and cleaning me up as the doctor leaves. They are cooing to me as if I’m just a baby, but I don’t care anymore. That makes me feel better and I try and smile. GEEZE, I can’t even smile! That tube has been taped into my mouth and my cheeks are now covered with tape.

I want to laugh and I would if I could. It takes four nurses to bathe me now, tiny little old me. I don’t even weigh thirty pounds. I have lost weight and now I heard them say the doctors are going to put a tube in my tummy so they can feed me that way. Yup, a couple of shots and I can’t feel or move again. The two doctors give me another shot just over my tummy. The nurses have washed me real well with this brown junk. I watch as one of the doctors cuts me open and moves things around inside me with these shiny tools. A tube is put in and I’m sewn back up. I watch as one of the nurses pours a jar of some liquid junk into the tube. My tummy fills making me feel sick, but I don’t throw up.

What did Father Kowalski say? Oh yeah, if I ever need help all I need to do is pray to Jesus and I will get the help I need. Sure, but what if God doesn’t want you? What can His Son do about it? Ok, so I will try. I’ve nothing to loose anyway by trying that. I wait until the nurses leave, but now one is always in the room with me all the time. My daddy is going to be so mad!

I close my eyes, my head still feels light and fluffy, my tummy is very queasy, but I think I can concentrate enough to pray.

Hi Jesus, it’s me Carol, the useless kid your Daddy doesn’t want. Would it be ok if I ask you a favor? (No answer as usual) Could you just let me die and disappear? I mean not send me to hell, or anyplace like that. I’m not a bad kid; I’m just a useless kid. Do you have a place like a dump where broken and useless kids go and just turn into dust after awhile? I think that’s where I belong. The kid dump would be ok. Thanks Jesus.

I have a lot of time now and I’m no longer tied down. I mean they keep giving me shots and pouring that gunk into that tube in my tummy. I can’t move, all I can do is poop and pee on myself. My mommy came by today. All she did was cry and kneel next to my bed and pray while holding her Rosary. You know that string of pretty beads with the cross and the medal on it. She stayed for a few hours and the nurses and my doctor gave her a hug as they shook their heads as they talked to her. She kissed me and left still crying. I think I’m dying. That’s so cool! I can’t wait to just go to sleep and never wake up again. Pretty soon, I will be in that dump with all the other useless kids, rotting away until we all turn back into dust. That’s what Father Kowalski said. We were created from dust and we all will return to dust, just our souls will go on to Heaven. Mine won’t I don’t have a soul. Useless kids like me don’t have souls. We can’t have them, God doesn’t want us, and so we can’t have a soul that lives forever.

Wow, what a nice dream I’m having! It’s the first nice dream I’ve had in a long, long time. My head is lighter and fluffier than it has ever been before! This is so cool, I’m naked with no tubes or needles or anything else sticking into me! It’s as if I’m floating away, and it feels so neat!

NO, NO, NO! I don’t want to wake up! Don’t make me come back to hell! NO!!!!!!

Yup, but its different now! No isolate, no IV ´s, no tube in my throat, but I still have that tube in my tummy. No nurse is nearby, but as I look around I see a few other little kids bigger than me, but kids. OH GEEZE, they are all girls!

Yup, I’m still wearing a girl’s hospital gown. Funny thing is they call them Johnny’s. How can you be wearing a pink ‘Johnny’ with little baby dolls all over it? Isn’t Johnny a boy’s name? Stupid isn’t it? Hospitals are filled with stupid things like that. Yup, I’m still wearing stupid diapers and rubber pants, I can feel them. Wow, I can feel!

My mommy uses a pan to cook with, here you poop and pee in them Giggle, giggle. They call it a bedpan Giggle, giggle. I saw them help one of the girls sit on one while she was still in bed. She peed and pooped in it Giggle, giggle.

OH CRAP! This means I’m still alive and daddy is going to madder than he ever was before! I’ll be sent home and I’ll be kept in the crib for a while. That means more diapers and rubber pants. Daddy will be mumbling nasty things about me again. When he looks at me, I can tell he wishes I were never born. GEEZE, I wish I were never born! Maybe I can do something before they send me home and I can die, as every one really wants me too. Um, oh yeah, I’ll just pull out this tube and then they won’t be able to get food in me.

I reach under the sheet, get a good grip on the tube, and yank! OUCH! GEEZE, that hurt me a lot! The girl’s are asking me if I’m ok. I manage to smile and lie to them. I say.

“Yeah, I’m ok; I just got a pain in my tummy.”

I can feel this hot wet stuff pumping out onto my hands and it does hurt a lot, but I hide it by smiling. I’m so happy I even giggle. That gets the girls giggling and I think this is going to work.

I’m feeling very sleepy now and just close my eyes when I hear the girls start hollering and screaming. GEEZE, I was just about to go to sleep! What’s so scary anyway? I look and they are all pointing at me as the nurses come running in. I look down and see this brown junk and a lot of blood soaked through the sheet and blanket.

Soon I’m put on a smaller bed with wheels on it. They whisk me away as a nurse is pressing on my tummy. I tell her she should let go and just let me die. I’m just a useless kid anyway and I’m not worth anything. I just ramble on because it feels good to be able to tell somebody how I really feel and nobody is stopping me from talking. I tell them my whole story as they eventually wheel me into this big room with a huge light right in the middle of it suspended from the ceiling. A bunch of doctors and nurses are in there wearing these green gowns and all are wearing masks. They have these rubber gloves on too. Soon I’m naked and strapped onto this high bed in the middle of that room with the huge light now shining down on me.

OH CRAP, Needles again and in both arms! Oh, one of them has blood going into me and the other is this clear stuff. A man in a mask put a big black mask with a balloon on it over my face. It smells nasty but he keeps it over my nose and mouth until I get real groggy and then I don’t know what happened. That stuff tastes as bad as it smells!

I don’t know what they did, I wake up, my mommy is holding my hand, and she is crying. GEEZE, I didn’t die! I failed again, I guess us useless kids fail at everything. My mommy sees that I’m awake and calls to somebody named Cathy…

To Be Continued...