Chapter 4

Madison didn’t say anything. She stared at Kara, who was shaking with fear and nervousness. They sat that way for several minutes, barely breathing.

“What do you mean, you’re transsexual?”

“I’m a male to female transsexual. I’m pre-op, so I still have the parts I was born with. I started transitioning to live as a woman almost four years ago. I’ve been taking female hormones and living as a woman all the time for a little over three years. I’ve had a breast augmentation, but everything else about me is a result of genetics and hormones. What else do you want to know?”

“I’m sorry, Kara, you’re gonna have to give me a minute to wrap my head around all this. This is the last thing I would have expected. To find out that the woman I’ve spent the last week falling for was born a man, and still has some very critical male parts, is a bit of a shock. Just, start at the beginning.”

Kara, being careful to give Madison space, did as she was asked and started at the beginning.

“I guess I always knew on some level that I wanted to be a woman. I can remember being a little boy, maybe 4 or 5, going to church in my little suit and tie, being incredibly jealous of the little girls in their pretty dresses. Until I hit puberty, I always got along better with girls than with other boys. Around the time I started puberty, I hated what was happening to my body. I was geeky and awkward and thought that was the reason I never fit in with any group. I tried to make friends with the guys, but I was too uninterested in the things they liked to make much headway. It always felt like they were speaking in some code I couldn’t understand. I tried to be friends with the girls, but I was coursing with hormones and was a teenager, so my bigger focus was on wanting to make out with the girls, more than wanting to be their friend.

“During this same time period, I would dress up in my mom’s clothes every chance I got, usually anytime I was left alone at the house. If my parents found out, which they did every couple of months, my dad would hit me and call me a faggot or a queer. He didn’t believe me that I liked women until I started going out with my high school sweetheart. Her name was Jessica and she’s still one of my closest friends. She and I dated all through high school and into college. I told her about my cross-dressing the spring of my sophomore year, her freshman year.

“She was weirded out by my confession, and didn’t know how to take it. She decided it wasn’t a deal breaker for her, and we married January first the following winter. We were together through the rest of college and she supported us while I went to law school.

“During my second year of law school, I finally started exploring my gender identity in earnest. I started coming out to my closest friends during the summer and then started seeing a therapist right after I started my third year. During the spring semester, I couldn’t take the pressure of living a double life anymore, so I filed to have my name legally changed, came out to everyone and started living as a woman full time.

“During that year, my marriage started to suffer. Jess was unhappy and was having a hard time being attracted to me. Our love life fell off to the point it was nonexistent. I was still in love with her, and just as attracted to her as the day I asked her out the first time in high school. But she was straight. And she now found herself married to a woman. We were still friends, but the romantic aspect of our relationship was dead. We were both 25 and we saw no reason to spend the rest of our lives in a sexless marriage.

“I was heartbroken, but I was free to be the woman I had always been in my heart. I got electrolysis to remove my facial hair and I got my implants a year ago. I’ve almost saved enough money to have genital surgery, but it’s tough to save that much. If you want to know anything specific, feel free to ask.”

Madison was still in shock from the news she had been given. “I — I can’t. I have to think.” She grabbed her purse, tears forming in her eyes, and ran out the door, leaving it ajar behind her, jumped in her car and drove away.

Kara stood in the open door, watching Madison’s car disappear as she turned the corner. She closed the door, laid down on the couch, her knees clutched to her chest and cried as she felt a pain in her chest that was as bad as any pain she had experienced, even her loss of Jess.

She realized that she must have fallen asleep when she noticed the clock saying it was after midnight. Her house was dark and she hadn’t eaten anything all day, her nervousness having destroyed her appetite. She got up and went around the house, making sure it was locked up. She stepped out on her front porch and looked around, wishing for any sign that Madison had come back. There wasn’t.

She went upstairs and collapsed on her bed, not bothering to strip or even to pull back the covers. She cried herself to sleep, mourning the loss of a woman she had grown to love.

***

Madison drove away from Kara’s house, tears streaming down her cheeks. She was upset by the fact that Kara hadn’t trusted her with this sooner. Moreover, if she had known sooner, she would never have let herself see Kara as more than a friend.

I’m a lesbian, for God’s sake. I like women! I like vaginas, not penises. She thought about Kara, and tried thinking of the tall redhead as a man. She thought of Kara’s face, trying to remember if she had felt anything masculine about it. All she was able to conjure up was the sensation of the soft, full lips pressed against her own and the soft smooth skin of Kara’s cheek and throat. When she had kissed Kara, she felt nothing that made her think it was a man in her arms and under her lips.

She thought about Kara’s body, and realized that while Kara had broad shoulders and slender hips, she still had a nice bit of curve at her waist. Combined with her muscular legs, the effect was one of athleticism, not masculinity. And Kara’s breasts. God, Kara’s breasts, if she hadn’t told me they were implants I never would have guessed, Madison thought, remembering how the supple orbs had felt in her hands during one of their steamy kisses.

Enough. Yes, I like her; yes, she’s a wonderful woman, with whom I could very easily fall in love, but can I get past this? God damn it, she mentally swore, striking the steering wheel with the heel on her hand, I meet my dream girl and she’s got a penis!

When Madison reached her home, she knew she was too keyed up to sleep, and she had to talk to someone about what she was going through. Talking things out had always helped her get through hard times in the past, so why would this be any different? As she ran down her list of people who she considered go to’s, she realized that she couldn’t talk about this with any of them. Kara was open about her sexuality, more than willing to hold hands with her as they walked down the streets of Indianapolis, but this was different. No matter what decision she came to, she knew that it was Kara’s decision and Kara’s decision alone as to who knew about her past. That left her with one choice as to whom she could talk to, her mother, Anna.

Madison and her mother had always had a good relationship that was only strengthened when Madison came out to her mom when she was a freshamn in college. Anna had been accepting and supportive of her daughter and had been there for her during all her ups and downs over the years. It was Anna’s shoulder that Madison had cried on after discovering Michelle’s betrayal.

Not long after her father’s death from a stroke ten years ago, Anna had moved to a retirement community outside of Tampa. Her husband’s life insurance and their careful investments over the years saw to it that she was living a comfortable life of leisure. Madison looked at the clock and saw that it was only seven thirty. If she drove all night, she could be at her mom’s place around noon. If she needed to stop somewhere for the night, she would, but she was so agitated by everything that had happened that she didn’t think sleep was likely for her tonight.

Madison didn’t make quite as good time as she had hoped and arrived at her mother’s closer to one than noon. The elder Roberts had been watching for her daughter’s arrival, Madison having called her once she was close. The elder Roberts walked out to the car to wrap her daughter in a warm hug.

Anna was a few inches shorter than her daughter, with light brown hair that was speckled with gray and bright green eyes. She looked over her daughter closely, worried about her after she had driven all night without saying why. It didn’t help that Madison had sounded so flat on the phone when she called the previous night to tell her she was on her way down. She knew something was wrong, but she was willing to let Madison take her time to tell her.

“It’s so good to see you, Mom. It’s been too long since I saw you.”

“I know. You should come down more often. Why do you think I bought a place with an extra room? God knows I don’t use it for anything but storage.”

“I know, Mom, I know. I’ve been busy with work lately and working on articles.” Seeing the look on her mother’s face, she hastily added, “but I know that’s no excuse. I’ll try to do better.”

“Thank you, sweetheart. That’s all I ask. Now grab your bag and let’s get in out of this heat.”

Anna put her arm around her daughter’s waist and walked next to her as they went inside. Anna instructed Madison to drop her bag off in the spare bedroom and join her in the living room.

When the women were finally settled in Anna’s living room, she looked at Madison and said, “So tell me what’s got you so bothered that you have to drive all the way down here in the middle of the night to talk to your mother about it. Is it a woman?”

Madison sighed, knowing that she needed to get this off her chest, but not knowing how her mother would react to the story she had to tell. “Her name is Kara,” Madison began, noticing the satisfied look on her mother’s face at having her guess proved accurate. “We met last week, when I saw her being hit on by some guy in front of that fountain between the federal courthouse and the memorial. It was really funny,” she explained, laughing softly, “I pretended to be her girlfriend so the guy would leave her alone. From there we had lunch together, then a few beers at a pub on Mass Ave and then dinner. We spent the whole day together and then when we walked back to her car to call it a night, we kissed and it was probably the best kiss of my life.” Madison felt no need to describe for her mom how much the kiss had affected her, though she shuddered slightly at the memory of how wonderful it had been.

“So what happened next? Obviously it’s not all good news or else you wouldn’t be here by yourself.”

“Well, we forgot to exchange contact information, but we did have each other’s full names and where we each worked, so I sent her flowers on Monday and had lunch with her. Again, it was a great date. We talked on the phone every night this week and we had dinner again on Thursday and I told her about Michelle.” Anna nodded, reaching out to rub Madison’s shoulder, knowing how much Michelle had hurt her daughter.

“Then yesterday, she had me over to her house. She had something that she wanted to tell me, but she didn’t want to do it in public. I got there, and she looked like hell. I mean, it seemed like she’d been in a terror about it all day.” Madison shook her head, remembering how Kara’s normally pale skin had seemed almost ghostly the previous evening.

“Well don’t keep me in suspense here, what did she have to tell you? I’m assuming that’s the reason you drove all night.”

Madison took another deep breath. “Yeah, it is. She’s transsexual. Pre-op. She told me her life story. She’s been married before, to her high school sweetheart, and they split up because the wife was straight and Kara’s a woman. I don’t know what to do with this, Mom.”

Anna wrapped her arms around her daughter, Madison sinking in to the embrace and clinging to her mother as she began to sob. “She’s so great in every way, Mom. We just click so well. I’ve never had that happen before, not even with Michelle. Kara just gets me, she‘s everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner, but I don’t know if I can do it. What do I do?”

Anna was stroking her daughter’s hair, giving her as much physical comfort as she could. She loved that they were close enough that Madison came to her with this, rather than one of her friends in Indianapolis. Still, she was just as thrown by this as Madison was. She had always been accepting and supportive of Madison’s orientation, but this was something new. “I can’t tell you what to do, sweetie. I won’t tell you what to do. This is a decision that you have to make for yourself. Let me ask you this, if she had always been a woman, if she and her high school sweetheart had married in Massachusetts or something and then split up, would that be a deal breaker?”

“No. Hell, if Michelle hadn’t cheated on me, I would have considered getting married, too.”

“Then that means the problem is in her pants, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. I hate to say it, but that’s the problem. I don’t know if I can have a physical relationship with someone who has a penis.”

“I can’t answer this for you baby. This has to be your decision. If you care for this girl, you’re gonna have to decide if that’s a deal-breaker.”

“I do care for her, Mom. And looking at her and kissing her, there’s nothing about her that would make anybody think she used to be a man. I mean, her shoulders are a bit broad, and her hips are a bit slim, and she’s tall, almost six foot, but she just looks athletic, not masculine. And she’s so pretty, with just the slightest hint of androgyny to her features, mostly her jaw.”

“Sounds like there’s definitely something there. Are you willing to take the risk of it not working out? I really don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Neither do I,” Madison chuckled, “but I just don’t know. I’m so torn. A part of me is saying that I should run away and never contact her again. Chalk it up as a few good dates and a couple of fantastic kisses and leave it at that. Another part of me is telling me to go for it. You know I’m not the ‘u-haul’ type, but before she told me this, I was already falling for her, hard.” Madison sighed deeply, and leaned against the back of the couch, her head falling back against the cushion. “Mom, I’m exhausted. Would it be alright if I took a nap for a little while?”

“Of course, sweetie, whatever you need. Get some rest and I’ll make us your favorite for dinner.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Madison said, her face lighting up in a child-like grin. “You always know just the thing to make me feel better. I love you,” she said while hugging Anna.

“I love you, too, baby. Now go get some rest and I’ll have it ready for you when you get up.”

Madison went to the guest room where she had placed her things and stripped out of her jeans and bra, leaving her t-shirt on. She slipped into the sheets, sighing with pleasure as she finally was in a fully horizontal position. Do I care about Kara enough to try and make this work? She sighed as she closed her eyes, the last thoughts as she drifted off were about blue-gray eyes and long red hair.

Madison awoke to the smell of frying chicken permeating the air. Her stomach began to growl at the prospect of being filled with her mom’s fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and salad. She stretched, trying to get all the kinks out from the almost seventeen hours of driving she had put in as well as a couple of new ones from sleeping on the slightly too firm mattress her mother had placed in the guest room. She slipped on her jeans and opened the bedroom door, greeted by the sound of the hissing and popping from the oil in her mother’s slick, black cast iron skillet that had been around longer than Madison herself.

She walked down the short hall toward the living room, her mother smiling at her over the half-wall that separated the kitchen and living room.

“It’s almost ready, sweetie. Go ahead and sit down at the table, it’ll just be a couple more minutes.”

“Do you need me to do anything, Mom?”

“No, I’ve got everything well in hand, you just sit down. Why don’t you tell me what else is going on in your life?”

Madison saw that her mother did indeed have everything taken care of, the table already set with a big bowl of salad set out next to an equally large bowl of mashed potatoes. She proceeded to tell her mother about the article she was writing and about the classes that she would be teaching in the fall. Before too long, Anna came to the table carrying a paper-towel covered plate that was loaded up with fried chicken.

“Mom, this looks great. You know how much I love your fried chicken.” Madison was grinning at the prospect of sinking her teeth into the crispy leg that she had decided had her name on it. She snatched it from the plate before Anna had even set it on the table.

“How many times have I told you to wait for everyone present to sit down before you start piling your plate with food?”

“I think every meal we’ve had together from the time I was four up to the present,” Madison answered, already scooping up potatoes and salad.

“That sounds about right. I sometimes wonder why I even bother.”

“Me, too,” Madison said with a grin.

Anna laughed, and trying to keep the conversation neutral, shared the latest community gossip with Madison. The two women ate dinner while sharing a mostly topical conversation, neither wanting to deal with unpleasant things when there was food to be enjoyed. As they talked, Madison would interject the occasional moan of happiness when she took a bite of chicken. Anna enjoyed seeing her daughter’s obvious appreciation of her cooking.

Once they finished, Madison having managed to polish off a large salad, a hefty serving of potatoes, and a leg and a thigh, they worked together to put away the leftovers and clean the kitchen. They made quick work of it and went into the living room to continue talking.

“So have you talked to any of your friends back in Indy about this thing with Kara?” Anna asked Madison after they had been talking for a while.

Madison shook her head vigorously. “No. I can’t. Given the way Kara transitioned, she did it in a way that makes me think she’s not exactly in the closet about her gender identity, but it’s not my place to tell anyone. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do. If I choose to pursue a relationship with her, then if she meets my friends and they already know she’s trans, I have no idea what her reaction would be. That in and of itself might be enough to make her not want to be with me for outing her.

“If she wants my friends to know she has to be the one to tell them. But I had to talk to someone, and I’m fairly confident that she’d forgive me for telling my mom. I don’t know that for certain, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take.” Madison smiled, “I mean, if things don’t work out, you’ll never meet her, and if they do, then she could be your future daughter-in-law, and that’s one of those things that would kind of come up with family.”

“Very true. So how long do you think you’ll stay here?”

“I don’t know. Not long. I’ll probably head back Monday or Tuesday. I only packed enough for a couple of days, so I guess I’ll stay and think away from my usual distractions and hopefully have my mind made up by the time I have to go home.”

“That sounds like a good plan. Well, sweetie, it’s late and I’m going to head to bed. Holler at me if you need anything. Oh, and there’s an apple pie stashed in the oven and ice cream in the freezer.”

“Mom, you didn’t have to bake me a pie.”

“I know, sweetie, but when you called this morning to tell me you were coming, I figured you might like having your favorite dessert to go with your favorite dinner.”

“Thanks, Mom. I think I’ll have a slice and turn in.”

“Okay sweetie,” Anna said, getting up from the couch and placing a kiss on the top of Madison’s head, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Good night, Mom.”

She watched her mother go down the hall and heard her door shut. Madison rose and walked to kitchen, smiling at the pastry as she pulled it from the cold oven. Her mouth was already beginning to water as she thought about the delicious pies her mom had made in the past. She put a slice in a bowl and scooped out some ice cream right next to it. She had always preferred eating pie when it had completely cooled, never really caring for pie warm from the oven. As she took her first bite, making sure to get some of the vanilla bean ice cream on the spoon with the pie, she closed her eyes and sighed. The only thing better than this, is kissing Kara. The thought had come to her unbidden, and caused her eyes to open wide in shock. I cannot believe I just thought that. I mean, yeah, she’s a great kisser, but . . . But what? She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s kind . . . well at least to people who aren’t men hitting on her. Madison smiled at the memory of Kara tormenting the men at the bar Thursday night. And she gets me hotter with just one kiss than any other woman I’ve been with. So I’ve never seen a penis in real life before, but would it really be all that bad if I did? Plus she said she’s been saving up for the surgery. So if we do get together and things work between us, I wouldn’t have to put up with the thing forever. . .

While these thoughts were running through Madison’s head, she finished her pie and ice cream and put her dishes in the dishwasher and went to bed, deciding that she would think about things more tomorrow.

Madison woke up early on Sunday, the smell of bacon pulling her into wakefulness. Slipping on a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, she walked out to the kitchen to find her mom sipping coffee and reading the Sunday paper. A plate of bacon, another of scrambled eggs, and one more with several slices of toast were set in the middle of the table. Madison poured herself a cup of coffee and sat opposite her mother, filling the empty plate in front of her with food.

“How’d you sleep last night?” Anna asked her daughter.

“Like the dead. How about you?”

“I slept well. It’s good having you here. I definitely don’t miss Indianapolis winters, but I sure do miss seeing you more often, sweetie,” Anna said, getting up and placing a kiss on the top of Madison’s head as she placed her empty plate in the sink. She opened the refrigerator and poured herself a glass of orange juice and sat back down, smiling at the fact that Madison had snagged the comics section from her paper and was reading it, just as she had every Sunday morning of her childhood. That memory caused Anna to tear up, thinking about the little girl who had grown into the strong, self-sufficient woman sitting across from her.

Anna sat there, watching her daughter, lost in the memories, until she noticed that Madison had finished with the comics and was looking at her expectantly.

“Anything special you want to do today, sweetie?”

“Not especially, Mom. I’m still sorting out this whole thing with Kara, but I’d love to spend some time with you. I just don’t think I’m really up for a ton of activities. Is that alright with you?”

“Of course. I was thinking about going for a walk once I cleaned up the kitchen. Would you like to join me?”

“Yeah, that sounds great. I’ll help you clean up.”

Just like the previous night, the two women working together made short work of cleaning the kitchen. Madison went to the guest room and slipped on her running shoes and grabbed her sunglasses, meeting her mother by the door.

It was a beautiful mid-May morning. The two women walked together in silence for a long while before Madison finally spoke.

“I think I’m gonna go for it, Mom.” She said this with a very determined look that at the same time expressed her uncertainty as to whether it would work out in the end.

“Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

“Not in the slightest. I can’t explain it, but when I’m with her, I feel more complete than I’ve ever felt before. I’ve got to give it a chance if nothing else. There’s just something about her, and I’ve got to see where it goes.”

“Sounds like you made your decision, then.”

“Yup. It scares me senseless, but it’s what I’ve got to do. I’m sure it’s gonna be tough and there are gonna be some problems, but I just can’t walk away from her. In less than a week, she got in so deep that walking away just isn’t an option. I have no idea what’s going to happen, but if there’s any chance I can make this work, if we can make this work, then I feel like I have to take it. Does that make any sense?”

She looked at Anna, looking a little lost, but so earnest in her desire to give a relationship with Kara a chance that Anna’s heart was aching for the stress her daughter was experiencing. She stopped walking and pulled Madison into a tight hug, feeling Madison’s body relax as she did, and whispered in her ear, “It makes perfect sense, baby, perfect sense.”

They stood there for a short while, Madison soaking up the physical comfort her mother’s embrace offered her. Finally, she pulled away. “I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too. Now let’s go back to the house, there’s still leftover chicken and plenty of pie for you to eat.”

The two women smiled, Madison’s childlike grin making Anna’s heart swell with love for her daughter. They walked back to Anna’s house hand in hand, Madison telling her mother more about the woman who was rapidly stealing her heart.

Chapter 5

When Kara awoke Sunday morning, all she could feel was the pain of her broken heart. She had laid everything on the line with Madison and Madison had run. She had no idea if she would ever see the slender brunette again, and the thought of that happening saddened Kara more than she would have ever expected. She had tried so hard to not fall in love with Madison, but that task had proved far too difficult for her to accomplish.

As she went through her house, she saw that the day outside was bright and sunny. Her guess that it was also warm was confirmed when she opened the back door to step onto her porch and watch Seymour run around and felt the warm air touch her skin. Yet all she felt was cold. She had told Madison her life’s story, or at least a very abbreviated version of it, only to hear her say “I can’t” as she ran out the door.

She sighed deeply, feeling the gloom settle over her. What did you expect, you idiot? Did you really expect that she would stay with you? No woman will ever want you as long as you have that thing between your legs. She lay down on her side on the couch with her knees clutched to her chest and cried.

She must have fallen asleep, because when she came to to the sound of her phone ringing, she saw that it was after one. She looked at her phone’s display, surprised to see Madison’s name written across the screen.

“Madison?” she answered, tentatively.

“Kara, I’m so sorry I ran out like that. You have to admit that what you told me was a bit of a shock. But that’s no excuse for how I handled it. We have a lot of things we need to talk about. Are you free Tuesday night?”

“I’m free now. I’ll make time whenever you want to meet.”

“Well, now would be a bit of a problem. I’m in Florida, but I’m driving back tomorrow. I won’t get in until really late, so I think Tuesday would best.”

Florida, why is she in Florida? “Are you sure we can’t talk about this over the phone? I’m not entirely sure I can wait until Tuesday.”

“I’m sure we can’t talk about it on the phone. There are some things I need to say that I want to say to you in person. Just know that I’m not giving up just yet.”

“What do you mean?” Kara leaned forward, feeling her heart beat again for the first time since Thursday night when she had decided to tell Madison about her past.

“I mean that I want to see you Tuesday night. I can come to your place or you to mine or we could meet somewhere and talk. If you want to hear my suggestion, I’d recommend you come over to my place and I’ll cook for us.”

“Okay, yeah that sounds fine.” Kara’s voice still held a touch of panic that Madison picked up on. “What time do you want me to be there? I can probably be there around eight thirty if you want.”

“Eight thirty sounds fine, Kara. Don’t worry, everything will be alright. Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you Tuesday, okay?”

“Okay, see you then.”

Kara hung up the phone and just stared at it in her hand, slightly dazed by the sudden shift in her prospects. She needed to talk to someone to figure all this out. She ran through her list of normal go-to friends, discarding them all as unsuitable for this task. She needed a woman’s perspective, so she called her oldest friend and the one person who knew her better than anyone else, Jessica Andrews.

***

Lying on a couch in a spacious two bedroom apartment on the south side of Indianapolis, a tall blonde woman with thick curly hair and green eyes had her feet on her fiancée’s lap and he was idly stroking her smooth, toned legs as the couple watched TV. Hearing her phone ring, Jess reached behind her head and felt around for the noisy device, picking it up from the end table. She smiled to see that Kara was calling her.

“Hey, Kar, what’s up?” She sat up, noticing Bill look at her and then looking back at the TV.

“Jess,” Kara began, sounding upset and uncertain, “I really need to talk to someone and you’re the only one I can go to about this.”

“What’s the deal, Kar? Girl troubles?”

“Yeah, basically. I met this woman last week and we really hit it off. I ended up telling her about me Friday night and she took off. She called me today and said she’s in Florida but she’s coming back tomorrow. She wants me to come over to her place on Tuesday night so we can talk. I’m really in deep with this one. Any chance you’re free to come over and talk? I’ve got a bottle of lambic in the fridge with your name on it,” she added, sweetening the pot, knowing that her ex-wife and best friend couldn’t resist the call of the tart, fruity beer that tasted like candy.

“Alright, Kar. I’ll be there in about forty-five minutes.”

“Thanks Jess. You have no idea how much this means to me. I’ll see you soon.”

Jessica turned to her fiancée and noticed the scowl on his face. “Honey what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just thought we had plans today. Plans that didn’t involve your friend.”

“I’m sorry, hon, but Kara really needs me. She doesn’t have a ton of friends and she sounded like she’s been crying. And Kara almost never cries, so if she has been, then this girl has really thrown her for a loop. Hell, I haven’t seen her cry in three years.”

“What happened three years ago?”

“Kara’s partner broke her heart and left her,” she answered, while studiously tying her shoes, avoiding eye contact.

“Isn’t that around the same time you got divorced?”

“Yeah,” Jessica desperately wanted to find a way out of this conversation. It wasn’t that Bill was homophobic or anything, but he wasn’t the most enlightened person when it came to issues of gender or sexual orientation and she didn’t want to take the chance that he would react badly. Jess had never told him the entirety of her past with Kara, simply telling him that she had married her high school sweetheart, things hadn’t worked out between them and they had divorced. She had never even told Bill her husband’s last name. She explained that Kara was a friend of hers from high school and they had stayed close friends throughout college and beyond.

“I’ve got to say, this is starting to get old. I don’t see why you’re friends with her anyway. Are you sure she doesn’t want to sleep with you?”

“Yes, I’m sure. We’re just friends and she knows that I’m straight.” Besides, that’s a moot point since she's already slept with me many, many more times than you have. “Look, I need to go. I’ll call you when I’m on my way home and I’ll pick us up something to eat, sound good?”

“Fine, whatever. Go spend my day off with your friend.”

“Look, I wouldn’t do this unless she really needed me. We’ve always been there for each other, and that’s not going to stop just because I’m engaged.”

Bill just glared at her as she grabbed her purse and walked out of the apartment.

Something’s going on with those two, and I’m gonna find out what, Bill thought to himself once Jess was gone, already forming a plan of action.

***

“God, Kara, you look like shit,” Jess offered as she saw Kara’s bloodshot eyes with heavy dark circles under them.

“Thanks. I feel like it, too, to be honest. This girl really got under my skin, and fast.”

“I kind of thought so when you said you’d told her in less than a week.”

“Yeah, but it was our fourth date. We hit it off fast. The last time I felt this way about someone it was you.”

“Wow. So you’re really smitten, then,” Jessica wondered as she remembered back to the awkward teenage boy who had asked her out and after a week and a half of dating had confessed that he was in love with her. “Why don’t you tell me about her while I go grab that lambic you promised me.”

“Well, she’s a history professor and her specialty is Germany in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, you know right after the Peace of Westphalia and going up through the end of the Holy Roman Empire. She’s witty and funny and just gorgeous. She’s a few inches shorter than me, dark brown hair, hazel eyes, amazing legs, a great ass, small firm breasts, just stunning.”

Jessica poured the beer and smiled wistfully, reminiscing about the times when similar praises poured from Kara’s lips about her own beauty. Kara had never been shy with the compliments. “She sounds great, so tell me what happened to bring on your confession.”

“God, she must have thought I was insane. We met last Saturday at that fountain across New York from the federal courthouse,” Jessica nodded to show she knew the place Kara was talking about as she took a sip of beer. “I was sitting, reading, when some guy came up and started hitting on me. He even gave me the ‘haven’t met the right guy’ spiel when I told him I was gay. I was probably only a few seconds from telling him I had a dick to see if that would get rid of him when Madison walked up and acted like we were a couple. We walked away holding hands and she invited me to have lunch with her.

“Lunch turned into afternoon drinks, afternoon drinks turned into dinner, and after dinner she walked me back to my car and we kissed.” Seeing the sweet smile that Kara’s lips formed, Jessica couldn’t help but smile herself. “It was one of the best kisses I’ve ever had, no offense to present company.”

“None taken; go on.”

“We were so lost in the kiss that we didn’t break it up until a carful of idiots drove by, shouting like they’d never heard of lesbians before. She made a comment about calling it a night before stripping me right there or something and I panicked. I barely remember if I said good bye. I just jumped in my car and drove off. I didn’t even make sure she got home alright. God, I acted like such an idiot.

“Anyway, I went to call her the next day and apologize for acting like a loony, when I remembered that we never exchanged information. I decided to let it go and move on, just enjoy the memory of a super hot kiss and leave it at that. Monday morning, I get the most beautiful bouquet of roses and lilies delivered to my office and not 10 minutes later, Madison is knocking on my door, asking if she could take me to lunch. After lunch, she walks me back to my office and she closes the door and we have another make-out session. We’re going at it hot and heavy in no time and she starts groping me, which again causes me to panic, cause I don’t want her to grab my crotch. Let’s face it, I’m way too femme to pull off the excuse that I was packing.

“So I send her on her way and we have dinner Thursday night. I make some comment about having no tolerance for cheaters and she tells me about her ex, who cheated on her. Since it was confession time, I knew I needed to come clean about being trans so I asked her to come over Friday so I could tell her.

“I was a total mess. I started bawling the second she opened the door didn’t really stop until this afternoon. I tell her, she has a mini-freak-out and asks me to start at the top so I tell her the thumbnail version, she says ‘I can’t’ and runs out of here.

“I spend the rest of the weekend crying, until the phone rings around one. It’s her saying she wants to talk on Tuesday. She’s in Florida and is coming back tomorrow.”

Kara took a deep breath then and leaned back, taking a long swallow of the glass of beer Jessica had handed her. They sat in companionable silence for several minutes, Kara feeling completely drained and Jessica trying to absorb all the information she had just been given.

“Wow. Did she say anything specific, like if she was gonna keep seeing you or if it was over, she just wanted to do it in person?”

“I’m leaning toward being hopeful, but you know me, ever the optimist. She said she isn’t giving up, so I’m taking that as a sign that she wants us to keep seeing each other. The thing I can’t figure out is why she ran to Florida. I get running, I can understand that, but running that far on such short notice is what I don’t get. She said she drove, too, so I don’t know what to make of that.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. It sounds promising. She sounds like she’d be a good match for you. Just give her time, I guess. Any idea if she’s been with guys?”

“Not a clue. All I know is that her last relationship ended two years ago when she caught her partner with another woman.”

“Ouch. That’s got to suck.”

“Yeah. I’ve never understood how someone could do that.”

“Any idea what you’re gonna do if she wants nothing to do with Mr. Happy?”

“I’ll leave my panties on. The only reason I have anything to do with the damn thing is because it’s attached to me. Besides, you know I’ve always preferred to use my hands or my mouth,” Kara added with a smirk.

“Yeah, I thought I was so lucky to have a husband who wanted nothing more than to spend hours with his head between my legs. Of course it turns out you’re really woman. Damn the luck.”

“Yeah, well, it is what it is. I always damned the sorry luck that you weren’t bi.”

“Yeah, well. People are who they are and you can’t really change them. God knows the two of us tried hard enough.” Jessica reached across the couch and rested her hand on top of Kara’s, the two women comfortable with the silence, having spent thousands of hours in each other’s company, neither feeling the need to say anything, just content to spend time together. They finished the bottle of beer that Jessica had brought with her into the living room, just chatting like the old friends they were.

After they had been talking for a few hours, Jessica finally stood and said that it was time for her to head home. They walked to the door and hugged, each woman placing a kiss on the other’s cheek. Kara held the embrace, enjoying the scent of Jessica’s hair for a moment, before her conscious mind cut in and reminded her that that door was closed, permanently.

“Thanks again for coming over, I really do appreciate it.”

“It was no problem at all. I really mean that. You’re my oldest friend. We may not have slept with each other in years, but that doesn’t mean I care for you any less.”

“Thanks. I think you know that I feel the same. Well drive safe and I’ll call you Wednesday and let you know how things go with Madison.”

“I’m sure things will be fine. She’d be a fool to let you get away.” She saw the grin that started to cover Kara’s face that always preceded a smart-ass remark and quickly interjected, “That doesn’t mean I’m a fool, it just means I like men.”

“Sounds pretty foolish to me,” Kara said with a laugh.

“Yeah, whatever you say. Anyway, I’ll talk to you later.” With one last stoop to pet Seymour, whom the two women had adopted when they were still together, and a wave over her shoulder, she was out the door and on her way to her car.

Once she was on the road headed home, she pulled her phone out of her purse and called Bill.

“Hello,” the flat, serious voice answered, letting Jess know instantly that something was wrong, though she had no idea what it could be.

“Hi babe. I just left Kara’s. Want me to pick something up?”

“No. I already ate. Just come home, because we need to talk.”

“Talk about what?”

“I don’t want to do this on the phone. Just come home and we’ll discuss it when you get here.”

“Okay. Is there anything there for me to eat or should I just stop and get myself something?”

“Just do whatever you want. I’ll be here.”

The silence of the severed call shocked Jessica. She thought over how things had been going in her relationship, and thought that things had been good, except for Bill’s insistence that she spend less time with Kara. The two women had a habit of getting together two or three times a month for dinner and meeting most weekends for brunch or just a quick cup of coffee. Of course then there were the times that one or the other of them would call the other up to hang out, like a few weeks earlier when Kara had called her to see if she wanted to go out to celebrate a big win in court that morning. Kara had extended an invitation for Bill to join them, but he decided to go home after just a few minutes, claiming that he was too tired to stay out long.

What does he have against Kara? Can’t he see that she’s my best friend and I’m hers? He’s got to be blowing things out of proportion. We just need to sit down and have a calm, civilized discussion. Once we do that, I’m sure things will be better.

She pulled into their apartment complex and parked, happy that she found a spot right in front of the door to the building that housed her apartment. She took a deep breath, readying herself for whatever it was that Bill was going to argue with her about and went inside.

When she got inside, she was completely unprepared for what she saw. Bill was sitting at their dining room table with Jessica’s wedding album sitting in front of him. She could tell that he was angry, no, he was beyond angry at this point.

“Do you want to tell me what your real story is, or should I give you my theory first?” Jess just stood there, looking surprised and lost, unable to believe what was happening. Bill knew. “Here’s what I’ve been able to put together. The name in this album is Adam Jenkins. You said you married your high school sweetheart, but you never said anything about him being related to your best friend.” Jessica sank into a chair, unable to look her fiancée in the eye. “You also told me that Kara had been your best friend since high school, you went to college together. She’s a lawyer, and you told me your ex-husband was in law school when you split up.” Jessica’s mouth was opening and closing, but no words would come. “There’s not a single picture of your ‘best friend’ in this album. And her having the same last name as your ex is too big a coincidence to ignore. So, I think you need to tell me right now what your relationship with Kara is really about.”

“Bill, it’s not what you think. She really is my best friend. She’s also my ex. Kara is transsexual. She was never happy being a man, so while she was in law school she started doing the things she needed to do to live as the woman she is.”

Bill was seething with rage. “My god, Jess! How could you keep something like this from me! The woman who you confide in, who you turn to whenever you need advice, who you go running to whenever she calls is your ex-husband! Don’t you think you should have told me that?! I can’t believe you could do something so selfish!”

“It wasn’t my place to tell you about Kara. She’s my best friend and, yes, my ex-wife. She and I know things about each other that we’ll both take with us to the grave. Even though I couldn’t be attracted to her once she stopped trying to be a man, I still loved her.” This was the absolutely wrong thing to say and she knew that as soon as she said it, seeing Bill’s nostrils begin to flare. “I love her as a friend. Any romantic love I had for her went away a long time ago. We’re friends and only friends.”

“You know what, I don’t need this shit. Fuck you, and fuck her. If you can’t be honest with me, then there’s no fucking way I’m marrying you in two months.” He stood quickly, knocking over his chair as he did so, violently pushing away from the table. “Do whatever you fucking feel like, ‘cause I’m out of here.”

Jessica sat at the table, completely stunned by what had just happened. She was unable to move from where she was as she heard Bill in a bedroom, throwing things around. She assumed he was grabbing clothes to take with him wherever he was going. She summoned up all her courage and stood and walked to the source of the noise. Her guess was right and he was packing a suitcase.

“What the fuck do you want now?”

“Please don’t do this, Bill. I shouldn’t have lied to you, and I know that. I’m so sorry. Please, tell me what I can do to make things better.”

Bill ran a shaky hand through his short black hair. “I don’t know that there’s anything you can do. You were going to have your ex-husband as your fucking maid of honor at our wedding and you never even told me! Do you have any idea how fucked up that is? Jesus Christ, Jessica, what the fuck were you thinking?” He no longer looked like he was seething with rage, he looked like he was about to cry. “How do you not see how messed up this is? Do you still love him?”

“First off, Bill, say what you want to about me and what I’ve done to you, but don’t insult Kara. She’s as much a woman as I am. If she wasn’t, I’d still be with her. I’m straight. She’s a woman. That is the only reason that our marriage ended. I’m not attracted to women, even a woman I had been in love with my entire adult life.” Jessica’s eyes were bright and clear as she rose to her friend’s defense. “If I had been the slightest bit bisexual, she and I would still be married. Yes, I love her. I love her like a sister. I love her like my oldest, closest friend, which is exactly what she is. Hell, she’s completely over me now, she’s crazy about some new woman who’s got her tied in all sorts of knots.

“Most importantly, I’m in love with you. Only you. If I wasn’t crazy about you, I wouldn’t have said yes when you asked me to marry you. Please, don’t do something that you’ll regret later.” Her eyes were large and wet with unshed tears as she made this plea.

“You mean like trusting you? I was uncomfortable with you being best friends with a lesbian because I was afraid she was going to try and get you into bed with her. Come to find out, you’d already been sharing a bed with her for years before I came along. I just don’t know what to make of all this. I’ll be at a hotel. I’ll call you later to let you know where I’m staying.”

He picked up the suitcase and walked out the door, leaving a stunned Jessica in his wake. What the hell just happened?