Come back soon…Part one

“So why’d you try and die Mike?”

It’s the first thing that I hear waking up not surrounded by the doctors.

I open my eyes and it’s a struggle with the sedation I’m still under and whatever else they have me on. I feel so weak inside and out.

Teddy…

He’s my baby brother and he’s seven and I look around to see my parents and my girlfriend Marlene outside talking and they look upset.

Well I did chase a whole bottle of ibuprofen with a bottle of cooking sherry.

I look back at Teddy and he’s looking at me and he’s sitting on my bed cross legged and he’s eating a bag of those chocolate coins and a strawberry milk.

What do I say?

What do you tell a seven year old about trying to end it because you can’t live like this anymore?

“I…I was sad…so sad it hurt buddy.”

He pursed his lips and looked really serious and in deep thought. He looks at me. “I still don’t get it, why are you sad that bad…I’ve never been that sad before.”

“Because bud there’s something really wrong with me.”

“Because they found you in girls clothes?”

I sigh.

“Yeah bud, I wasn’t meant to be a boy.”

“But you’re a boy?”

“Not inside, I never was.”

He unwraps a gold foiled chocolate and he moves further up the bed and he feeds it to me. “Here girls like chocolate.”

He just says it so matter of factly it starts to make me cry.

And I’m crying on my little brother hanging onto the little guy like he’s a life preserver.

He pats my head and I just know he’s getting melted chocolate in my hair and it doesn’t matter.

I go through a serious crying jag.

I feel so bad inside he’s my family and he’s my baby brother so how could I even have thought about putting him through this much less mom or dad…or Marlene.

I feel so bad because I’m crying into his stomach for what feels like the longest time.

It feels like the feelings, the hurt going on right now is twisting into a ball in my stomach right now I cry until it hurts literally.

Pills…they might not have killed me but they and whatever they did to save me isn’t being gentle with me right now.

I’m gasping and sniffling still sort of in Teddy’s lap.

“Mike?”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah….”

“Can the doctor make you a girl?”

(Sniffle.) “…kinda, it’s complicated…”

“But you’d be like a girl if they did right?”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah…”

Teddy reaches down and he lifts my head up high enough to look at me. “You know you can’t be a girl if you’re dead right?”

(Sniffle-sob…..) “…………………….”

He kisses my forehead. “Dummy, you’d make a good sister.”

(Sob…!)

I’m crying so hard again it’s hard to see and he hugs me until I’m done crying or this burst of tears…just being out…people knowing open floodgates I never knew I’d sealed up.

He crawls off my bed. “I’m gonna let mum know you’re awake.”

(Sniffle.) “Okay…”

He grins and eats another gold coin chocolate looking at me.

(Sniffle.) “You’re a smart kid y’know that right?” (Sniffle.)

“Oh course I am, I’m named after Teddy Bears and we protect you when you are scared and hurt sis…” He eats another chocolate coin. “I’m just doing my job.” He heads out into the hall and I’m.

Sis…

He called me… Sis.

Is it really that simple?

Maybe? Maybe something kind of feels right inside right now.