Oceans of Time

Part I

It started innocently enough: a costume contest and a question from an old friend of mine.

“Hey, want to go to the Halloween Ball at the Grande this year?”

It wasn’t a very exciting start to the most terrifying and life-altering experience of my life but then again, some of the biggest things start small.

The person doing the asking was my best friend in the world, Erika Dawson. We had met in high school and had been best friends ever since. She was the first person in who I confided my secret and was the most supportive. She was a lesbian and, like me, hadn’t found much acceptance from her parents. She was tough but feminine and had protected me since day one. That’s how we met, actually. I was short, skinny, and slight of build and my gender identity disorder didn’t lend itself to me being a paragon of teenage boyhood. I had been a target for bullies for years. I hadn’t really added much in the way of height since graduation and topped out at 5’7”.

Erika, on the other hand, was scrappy, despite being kind of short herself, and had a reputation for being someone you didn’t mess with. Breaking the quarterback’s nose with a lunch tray did that when you were in high school. That said quarterback had been in the process of dumping food in my lap sealed her and I, well her, as someone to leave alone. She had been my protector ever since and was more than capable of beating the ever living crap out of most of the jocks in school. A late growth spurt that gave her a few more inches over me helped. Short cut black hair, leather jacket, and combat boots were her style. The several years since graduation had softened some of the edges but not all.

Honestly, if not for her I don’t think I would have made it through high school, let along the years since.

“It’s themed this year and I have an idea that will work perfectly for you, Nikki. You’re filling out nicely from the hormones and your hair is long enough.”

I eyed her with no small amount of trepidation. “What theme, Erika?”

She grinned. “It’s 1920s elegance. I found a place that sells just what we need to make this work for both of us.”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet, Erika.”

She stood up and sat next to me on the couch in her small apartment. “Dear heart, you’re more than ready. There’s a beautiful woman in there and it’s time the world met her. You know you need to start your test soon and what better time than now?”

I sighed. She was right and we both knew it. It was simple fear keeping me from starting my True Life Test. Four years of hormones, electrolysis, and voice lessons had turned me into someone more than passable but I still hid behind layers of clothes. My coworkers thought me an effeminate gay male and generally treated me as such. My parents knew the truth but they hadn’t been very supportive, especially my father.

“I’m scared, Erika. It’s what I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember but the dream…the dream becoming reality is so huge. My job, parents.” I leaned against her and felt tears begin to well up. Damn hormones.

She stroked my cheek. “I know you are, baby girl but it’s time. Time for you to move forward and allow yourself the happiness you’ve long denied yourself. You know I’ll be with you, every step of the way.”

And that’s how it started.

Part II

It was a chilly mid-October day in Seattle when we went to the shop on 24th Ave NW. It was an upscale consignment shop with a large selection of vintage clothing. Erika had found it doing an internet search for costumes and this place had piqued her interest early on.

“They don’t just sell reproductions here, Nikki; some of these clothes are period pieces. We might find actual clothes from the era.”

I must admit to being more than a bit intrigued myself at the possibility and had, at Erika’s suggestion, gone all in for the shopping trip. I wore a leather jacket over a blue sweater and a black skirt with knee length boots. My reddish-blonde hair was past my shoulders and with makeup on there was nothing that said “MALE” about me. I think it was looking at the mirror that did it. I saw a woman staring back at me for the first time, her green eyes wide, not a man in a skirt. I had started crying and had to redo my makeup when I finished. Erika had held me and whispered to me how beautiful I looked.

I had taken one final look in the mirror before leaving. “My name is Nikki Reed and I’m a woman.”

That affirmation had been the last nail in the coffin of Nicholas Reed.

If only I had known how true that would be would I have still gone through with this? This is something I can’t answer, not even three years later. Part of me died that October 31st and something else was born but I was so close to dying for real and the terror in between still haunts me.

The sign read “Elegance in Motion.” The storefront was white washed and very classy. There were some very expensive looking suits and dresses on display.

“This place looks pretty expensive, Erika.”

“I did some research and they’re actually pretty reasonably priced. I think we can splurge this year, don’t you? It’s going to be a special year for you. Let’s make this Halloween one to remember forever.”

It was certainly that.

I gave in. Honestly, it wasn’t too hard, looking at some of the dresses in the window. “OK, let’s go.”

I was drawn to the dress as soon as I saw it. It’s like it called to me the moment my eyes fell on it. It was everything I had ever wanted to be and to wear: graceful, elegant, and beautiful. I knew this was the one.

Shimmering gold chiffon and honey gold satin fell to the floor in elegant pleats. It had a fitted strapless bodice with gold and bronze embroidered lace, gold sequins, copper, gold, bronze, and topaz beading and crystals. There was a matching chiffon wrap wrapped around the shoulders of the mannequin. The gown was fitted to the mannequin through the bodice and hips before flaring to the hem. It was…captivating.

It had to be mine.

Erika came to stand next to me and looked the gown over. “Yes, that’s the one, Nikki. You’ll be beautiful in it.”

“I agree, dear, you will be the belle of the ball in this gown.” The voice came from an older woman, elegantly dressed, perhaps late 50s or early 60s. She held out a slender hand tipped with delicate nails. “I’m Elizabeth Baxley, I own this establishment.”

I took her hand in mine and gave it a small squeeze. “You have a wonderful store, Miss Baxley.”

“Please, Elizabeth will do just fine. I must say, you have wonderful taste, my dear.”

“Nikki, Nikki Reed.”

She smiled. “That gown was made in 1928, my dear. It came to me as part of a set of three. The suit next to it was the companion piece, made for the gentleman escort of the woman who last wore that gown.”

Erika took a look at the suit and grinned. “I think I know what my costume will be. Nikki Reed, may I have the honor of escorting you to the ball this year?”

Elizabeth and I both laughed at the gravitas in Erika’s voice. “I think you’ll be a most dashing escort.”

“You said three, what was the third piece?” I asked Elizabeth.

“Another suit, similar in cut and style but the tie and accessories were blue rather than the gray of this one. I sold it earlier today to a young man about your ages.”

“Please, dear, why don’t we have you try this gown on so I can make any alterations it may need in time for the party. You too, my dashing young escort. That suit was made for a man but I’m sure we can make some adjustments for your figure.”

Erika laughed. “Nikki here got the curves; I’m flat as a boy in most places. Luckily I got the brains between the two of us.”

The three of us shared another laugh before Elizabeth helped us take our costumes off the mannequins and to the fitting rooms. “I’ll be right out here when you two are ready.”

I touched the beautiful dress; my hands stroked the satin skirt lovingly. Quickly and with trembling hands I stripped out of my clothes and stepped into the gown. The zipper was on the side and invisible once zipped. I didn’t have on a strapless bra and thought the black straps looked gauche against the gold and honey of the gown so I quickly unzipped it again and removed my bra. My body had responded well to the hormones and I had a respectable bust. I noticed there were padded bust inserts and the bodice was fully lined with boning for support. I wouldn’t need a bra in this gown which, I noticed, fit me perfectly.

My heart rate and breathing increased as I felt the way the gown fit. It felt so natural wearing it. I needed to see how I looked so I stepped out of the dressing room in my bare feet. Elizabeth stood and gasped when she saw me.

“My god, you look beautiful. My dear, with your hair styled, proper shoes, and jewelry you will look as if you had stepped out of a Silver Age magazine or movie. Truly, this dress suits you.”

She walked me over to an alcove with three mirrors and I got my first look at myself.

I was speechless and before long the tears came but tears of joy this time. I felt as if I were seeing the true me for the first time. I was radiant, even with my hair down in a style that did not suit this dress at all. Elizabeth was right; when I was fully made up for the party I would be stunning. “Oh god, Elizabeth, I want this dress so much. I’ll take it; I don’t care how much it costs.”

“Not as much for you as it would anyone else. This dress has crossed an ocean of time to come to you. I’m going to give you the jewelry and shoes it came with. You need the entire set for the full effect of this dress, my dear.” I just shook my head, unable to speak, and hugged her. She laughed and handed me some tissue. “All I ask is that you come by and see me before the ball. I want to see how you look.”

“We will.” Erika said from behind me. I turned to face her and her jaw dropped. “My god, Nikki.”

An hour later we were on the road, headed back to Erika’s place; the dress and accessories boxed in the back seat, next to Erika’s suit and shoes, a vintage pocket watch added to her pile by the wonderful Elizabeth.

“Nikki, Halloween is going to be a night to remember.”

How right she was.

Part III

“Nikki, we’re going to be late.” Erika called to me from the living room of my apartment.

“Almost there. I want to look perfect.”

Erika laughed. “I bet you already do. It’s always taken you longer to get ready.”

I smiled and put the last earring in. It was real diamond, matching the necklace that draped my slender neck. Elizabeth could have charged me much, much more than she had for this dress and jewelry but the older woman seemed genuinely happy to see the joy in my face.

It was the same joy that radiated from me now as I took one last look in the mirror. My hair was swept in a delicate updo with a few strands framing my face. My makeup was perfect, understated but enough to bring out my eyes and soften already delicate features. The earrings and necklace glittered as they caught the light. Pale shoulders perfectly complimented the gold and honey of the dress. I was captivated at the sight in the mirror, unable to believe it was really me. I felt as if my heart were about to burst, I was so overwhelmed. I slipped the chiffon shawl around my upper arms and went out to meet my escort.

The look on Erika’s face was priceless. She just stood there, gaping as I walked out of my bedroom. I felt little butterflies dance in my tummy. “What do you think?” I whispered.

“Nikki, you look…I have no words, truly. Beautiful doesn’t do you justice. Stunning. That dress was made for you.” I smiled and lowered my head.

Gentle hands cupped my chin and raised my head until I was looking into Erika’s eyes. “Keep your head up tonight, beautiful. Tonight of all nights and every night to come.” I felt my face warm but I kept my head up.

“You look amazing, Erika.” She did, really. She had somehow managed to comb her already short hair into a period appropriate look. She sported a Van Dyke that looked natural and professionally done and she fit the suit perfectly. We both looked as if we had stepped off the Silver Screen from the golden age of Hollywood.

She held out her arm and I linked mine through and allowed her to lead me out to the waiting car. “Are you ready for the first night of the rest of your life?”

“I am. Everything has changed. I know exactly who I am and who I’m going to be. Tonight starts everything, Erika.”

Part IV

It was just after 8:00 when we pulled up in front of the Grande Events Ballroom. Erika and I got out and Erika handed the keys to the valet waiting out front. The building dated back to the late 1890s and was elegant and lovely, speaking of a bygone era. For a fleeting moment I had a sense of having been here before, of seeing this same view, getting out of a car but this was the first time I could recall ever seeing it.

I felt a soft hand on the small of my back and a body pressed against mine. “What’s wrong, Victoria? Have you caught a chill? The voice was pleasantly deep and resonant.

I turned slightly and smiled at my handsome date. “Perhaps a small one, Edward. It is rather chilly tonight.” My own voice was a soft mezzo-soprano.

“Well then, let us get inside and get you warmed up, shall we?” Edward led me up the stairs inside with a hand at my back.

We made our way inside and I stopped, amazed at the lovely ballroom before us and the myriad of people in costume. It truly was 1920s elegance here. I turned and smiled at Erika as we made our way in and handed our invitations to the doorman.

“What do you think, Nikki?”

“It’s amazing. The costumes are beautiful.”

Erika smiled at me and looked around. “I don’t think any of them match your own, though.”

The Grande had several stories overlooking the main dance floor, open air balconies where we could see couples walking. An orchestral band played a soft rendition of “Bye Bye Blackbird” on the raised stage and there were people dancing.

Edward took my hand. “Shall we find our table, my sweet?” I nodded as we walked across the dance floor.

He led me to a table in a corner across from the band, now playing “Deed I Do.” I smiled as Edward held out my chair for me to sit.

“So what do you think, Nikki? Want to cut a rug tonight?” Erika asked with a mischievous grin.

I laughed at the look on her face. “I think that’s a few years away from tonight’s theme. Doesn’t that come from Jitterbugging?”

“I think you might be right. Well, whatever they called it in the 20s, I want to dance. Everyone needs to see the most beautiful woman here tonight.”

I blushed at his compliment. “Oh Edward, there are quite a many beautiful girls here tonight.”

“But you put them all to shame, Victoria.”

Just than a man walked by in a suit that matched the one Erika had on. “Erika, isn’t that Curtis Williams?” She turned to follow my gaze.

“Son of a bitch, yes it is.” She narrowed her eyes. “So that’s who bought the twin to this suit. Looks like his nose straightened some since high school.”

I sighed. “Well at least he won’t recognize us tonight.”

Edward glared at Julian as he walked by, not seeing us. “He knows it’s over and just needs to continue on his way. If he causes trouble we’ll have him removed. The nerve of that man, cheating on his fiancée the way he did.”

I put a hand over his. “It’s alright, Edward. If things hadn’t have worked out the way they did than you and I would never have gotten together.”

“He’s a drunkard and a gambler. He’s probably been to the speakeasy before coming here tonight and you know how mean he gets with a few in him. I’ll keep an eye on him.”

We both watched Curtis as he walked away. “I hear he still hates you for breaking his nose, Erika.”

She scoffed. “I’d do it again, too. Asshole. OK, forget him, he won’t even know who we are and we can ignore him and have a good time.”

We did indeed have a good time. I felt like a princess in the gown and was the center of attention every time Erika got me on the dance floor. Dinner was a wonderful affair and the wine was good. I was starting to feel a bit warm and lightheaded and decided to go for some fresh air. It was getting on towards midnight at the time I made my way to a balcony on the fourth floor that overlooked the city.

It was chilly and there was a slight wind. I wrapped my shawl around me and leaned against the balcony. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of the wind on my bare shoulders and the gown against my legs.

A warm jacket covered me and I smiled, leaning back into Edward as he wrapped his arms around me.

“I’ve missed you.” He whispered. I smelled alcohol. It wasn’t Edward.

Part V

I jerked out of his grasp and turned. “Julian!”

His eyes were red and bloodshot, his skin splotchy. “Hi, baby. I miss you so much.”

I threw off his jacket and attempted to push past him to get inside but he grabbed my arm. His grip was tight and painful. “Let go of me, Curtis!”

“Well look at you, Nicholas; all grown up into the fairy I knew you were. Still packing under that dress? Who’s your boyfriend? Does he know what you are?”

“I’ll scream if you don’t let go of me, Curtis.”

“Don’t be like that, baby. We had great times together. I’m sorry for what I did. Can’t we let bygones be bygones?”

“Julian, no!” I freed my arm from his grasp. “You’re a mean, lecherous man, a drunkard and a cheater. I would never have agreed to marry you had I known your qualities.”

He moved in front of me as I made for the entrance back inside. “Victoria, I didn’t mean to do those things. I can change, I promise you, and I will change. Just come back to me.”

“Get away from me, Curtis. I’ll call the police, I swear it.”

He leered at me. “You think the police will listen to a queer in a dress? Please. Tell you what, you just do what I know you’re good at and get on your knees. I’ll leave you alone once you finish.”

There was a rushing sound and suddenly Curtis was thrown into the wall. Erika was there and everything suddenly changed: the colors, the sounds, noises, smell, everything changed. I could hear the orchestra playing “Lover, Come Back to Me” and Edward was there, his eyes narrowed in rage.

Julian came off the wall swinging and connected once with Edward’s cheek but the blow was weak. He was off balance and drunk. Edward’s fist connected and Julian went down.

“Let’s go, Victoria. We’ll call the police and tell them he attacked you.”

Suddenly there was a loud crack and Edward dropped. I screamed and whirled and saw the gun in Julian’s hand. He turned it towards me. “I’ll kill you, bitch.”

I ran inside as he fired again and heard the bullet hit the wall. Gathering my skirt in one hand I went for the stairs, running up.

Why did I run up? I need to go down, down to where the people are. I needed to check on Edwa-no, Erik-I’m Victoria. No, I’m Nikki and I need to go downstairs.

I ran upstairs as my ex-fiancée followed with murder in his eyes. He fired again as I rounded a bend in the staircase but missed.

I burst out onto the roof, seven stories above the street and looked for a place to hide. There was another rooftop entrance and I made for that when I heard another loud crack and something slammed into my shoulder, whirling me around and throwing me to the ground. There was a terrible burning and I felt warm wetness running down my body.

Julian stalked towards me, the gun pointing at me. “Not running now, bitch. All I wanted was to say I’m sorry and you spit in my face, parading around town with your new guy, mocking me.”

He came to stand over me, the gun aimed for my heart and I had the sudden realization that this had happened before, over and over. Reality swam and for a moment I was Victoria in 1928, 1949, 1970, 1990, and 2013. I gasped with the sudden knowledge that this scene had played out four times before this and would continue, again and again unless I ended it, here and now.

Desperation lent me strength as his finger tightened on the trigger. I threw myself against the ledge and kicked out at his ankles. His arm jerked and his shot went wide as he began to fall forward. He gasped and sudden realization filled his face. Julian and Curtis both looked at me through the same eyes as he tipped over the ledge. He whispered “I’m sorry” and then there was nothing.

I heard the crash on the street below and suddenly I was looking at the Seattle skyline of 2013, not 1928. My shoulder hurt and I was bleeding badly. I felt different but, at the same time, complete, and the last bit of the puzzle fell into place.

I pushed myself up and staggered downstairs, the sound of sirens beginning to fill my ears.

There was a crowd of people around Edward but he was awake and he was Edward, not Erika; just as I was Victoria. The curse was broken and somehow we had become who we were when it all began, in 1928.

I slid down next to him and rested my head on his shoulder, blood from my shoulder mingling with blood from where Julian’s shot had creased his scalp. The last thing I felt was his arm around me.

Part VI

“So we were being reborn over and over?” Edward asked me a few days later, as we lay curled together on the couch in my apartment. “I remember some of it but my memory is a bit fuzzy from the gunshot.”

I nodded into his shoulder. “We were, in the first life this all happened, Victoria and Edward. Julian and I were engaged but I left him after he cheated on me. You and I became involved and you asked me to marry you. The night of the Halloween party, 1928, he shot you on that balcony than chased me to the roof before shooting and killing me. He went down and shot you again before attempting to leave. The police met him at the door and killed him after he shot at them.”

Edward just shook his head. “Jesus. I remember more now. You had on the dress and he and I had on the same suits.”

“Somehow part of our essence got trapped in the clothes. We were born again and the same dress and suits somehow or another got into our possession again and the murders happened again and again, about every 20 years or so. The last time, in 1990, we decided to try and end it by changing genders in our new lives so I was born Nicholas and you were Erika but it didn’t work. Curtis, the reincarnated Julian, bought the suit and events were once again set into motion.”

He kissed the side of my head. “But now it’s over, right?”

“It’s over. I killed Julian before he could kill me than come down and kill you. The cycle was broken. The dress and suits won’t restore themselves and come into our possession in the next life and I don’t think Julian will come back.”

“Do you think Elizabeth Baxley was part of this from the beginning?” He asked.

“I don’t know. The dress was originally custom made for me by a friend of my father but I don’t remember him in enough detail. If she was part of it she was as much trapped but it as we were, selling us those clothes again and again.”

I shuddered at the thought. Eighty five years and five lifetimes of murder, the four of us trapped in the same pattern but it was over. Edward and I were restored and free to live the lives cut short that Halloween night in 1928.

I smiled and kissed him, resting my forehead against his. “I love you, Edward. I’ve always loved you, in all the lives we’ve had together. Let’s make this one count.”